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boredom... i'm dreading writing what i really want to write about [30 Jun 2004|08:53pm] *Favorites* Color: black Food: thai food Song: photograph by the verve pipe Movie: the crow (the first one) TV show: CSI (the original) Music Artist: the Doors *Fears* The dark: naw man, that's the best part! Mice?: hahaha, only cuz they made cinderella's dress Scary Movies?: i haven't actually seen a super scary one yet Cats/Dogs?: cacti Worms/Ants/Bees/ Any kind of bug: the black widow spider (because that's the mood i'm in right now) *Best peole* Best Friend: a triumverate Best Teahcher: SIXTH GRADE BABY!!! Best Birthday Party: show me one that hasn't been ruined by outside forces *Friend..........* Boyfriend/Girlfreind: nope, despite my feelings of affection, i just recently became smarter than them If so whats his/her name?: Best Friend: mmm... ravenmad, jess, keli, kat Most Annoying: me haha Funniest: jess, that's the only reason that i'm moving to germany with her ;-) Most often talked to online: jess or kat who calls you most: kat :-) *Your House* Is there a bible in your house: hahahahaha, only with the devil's curse upon it If so where would it be found: packed at the bottom of a box in the trash How many Telephones?: dos How Many TV's?: uno Do you have a computer?: oui If so where is it located?: my room Do you have your own room?: i do, how clever of me. If not who do you share it with?: What is the dinner you have most often?: if i could it would be salmon cooked all sorts of different ways, that way i wouldn't get tired of it Do you have chores?: oh yeeeaaahh man Is your room clean?: nope, still "just moved" *Random* How often do you shower?: as often as needed or maybe more Do you wear Deoderant?: yes, i personally run the campaign against people who don't Are you a girl or a boy?: mmm lemme check... yup boobs. Do u listen to R&B, Hip-hop, and Rap?: not unless i'm being tortured somewhere...like a frat party IF not what kind of Music do u listen to?: heavy metal, punk, alternative, classic rock, anything that i like to listen too What are your parent's names?: teber and robert How many siblings do you have?: one, and that's about all i can handle 45 questions about YOU! brought to you by BZOINK! post comment

[30 Jun 2004|11:12am] i don't think anyone understands why kat and i are really good friends. not that there's anything to understand per se- somethings i have learned to take for granted. it's possible that it's because she tends to take my uptight and anal personality in stride because someone has to be the laidback one. she says it's because i make her laugh, but that seems like so little to keep me around for anyway. sometimes i don't know, but most of the time things are pretty clear. last night or early this morning i should say, we hung out kind of weirdly rambling around our sections of route 1. we both decided that we would sit somewhere, smoke and talk. she's starting to have that target summer that i had 2 yrs ago. and being as she was completely there for me at that time, i see no reason why i shouldn't be there for her now. so we went to 711 and picked up some black and milds. we were at 711 like three times because we kept forgetting various things like money and the fact that 711 doesn't have a bathroom. then we roamed across the street to wendys and realized that only the drivethru was open so roamed back by krispy kreme and past this 24hr spanish bar where people outside were snorting something. that was kinda funny and slightly sad. then we drove to wendy's and got free french fries by flirting with the guy at the window and zoomed back to kat's house so i could pee. after getting unstuck in the bathroom (the door doesn't open from the inside), we went outside and walked around her neighborhood trying to light these cigars with matches that wouldn't stay lit. we're like sitting on the street corner trying to get the matches to light, then trying to keep the matches lit long enough to get the cigars going. so first we tried to light a match and do everything the oldfashioned way. then kat had the brilliant idea of lighting a match with a match, which didn't work. then she tried to make a fire on the sidewalk so that we could light them from there. and finally we had to make a group effort with her lighting the matches and me pulling in on the cigar to keep it lit. i went through two of those suckers and couldn't get to sleep until like 3 am. i love how nicotine makes me hyper, although yesterday it only made my brain work better than normal that late at night and the rest of me was mellow and ready to talk about the impossibilities of stars falling... or shit like that. there's so much stuff that people don't think about when it comes to retail. i mean people come in buy their clothes and what have you leave, and spend the entire time thinking of the people who actually work in the stores as nothing but personal servants, available to their every whim. no one thinks about the workers feelings. i know even i dont when i walk into a store. i suddenly become the whiny brat who wants everything and anything i want at once. i hope it's American culture and not something in the flourescent lights, because you can change culture, but you can't change the harsh effect of lightbulbs. i've never felt comfortable in this store because it feels like everyone's completely ready to turn around and stab each other in the back as long as it's deemed profitable by the stabber. i don't think that anyone but the most ignorant feel comfortable in their position, because you walk into your store and know that they're going to get rid of you just for the small sin of having incompatible personalities. most guests who come to return things act surprised that they still see me and so often, and i've only been there for a month and a half. or like how omar (very easily manipulated) is suddenly a team lead in electronics and slowly replacing those who are there with how much attention he gets from upper management. he's extremely nice, but just to prove a point, dumb and readily available to follow orders. anyway, i thought it was just me and my insecurities playing out fears in my mind, but it turns out it's true. kat and i were talking about this last night and she has the proof that my brain already knew through gossip and what have you. people talk to her, but i always already seem to know in my head about stuff like this. to end this being about kat again. my mother says i do too much and she does too little in our friendship, but i just wanted to point out that being friends with me is usually a fulltime job. like the shit the people do for me as friends would seem inconsequential i guess to most people, and i have no way to repay them but do things for them that are easily seen as me being walked over. i mean sometimes people walkover me and i let them, but this is definitely not the case. 2 comments|post comment

[30 Jun 2004|02:14am] A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road... Girl: Slow down. Im scared. Guy: No this is fun. Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary! Guy: Then tell me you love me. Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down! Guy: Now give me a BiG hug. *Girl hugs him* Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me. (In the paper the next day): A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. 2 people were on it, but only 1 survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug 1 last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die. *it does make you wonder how they knew what he was thinking. but wouldn't it be nice if everyone's significant other obviously cared just as much as this particular guy? i don't even care if the guy is real or imaginary, wouldn't it be nice?* post comment

vignettes [26 Jun 2004|07:35pm] i want to be swallowed up holy by some gothic cathedral francais chewed up into tiny little pieces but never spit back out the sunday supper you read about in fairy tales i've had the bottoming out feeling of needing to puke for about 24 hours now, either coinciding with my discovery that i'm not the next Mary picked to start a new religion this month, or the roast beef sandwich i had for lunch. it's like some ungodly reaction to perscription medication, in my stomach, undigested. it's not good. sometimes it bubbles like soup on a stove. i finally got to ride the sky highway, from 495 to 95 south and it was like a dream until i hit traffic. i've never seen traffic on this new stretch of roadway, but somehow i get to personally experience it. watched most of the basketball diaries today with kat after work. i hadn't seen it since like 9th grade. heh, it seemed so much stupider now, maybe because i've read the book and realized the true purpose of the author. the movie holds no secrets for me. i haven't slept in a while. driving to mom's house to drop off ian's shit was a new experience. like tunnel vision but it reallys just being gentle waves of light passing the windows, no form, no sound, no lines, nothing. cars appearing out of nowhere but seeming like unavoidable collisions. stopped but still moving in front of my eyes. and feeling like i was just going to gently drift off the planet into the sky and the car would keep moving. i'm glad i wasn't this lethargic yesterday while i was deciding to ruin my friendship with sarah and have a mental breakdown. cutting would have been inevitable- as it is i just cried and cried and cried, but only after i had to ask permission, which i think must say something about me. that being said, i want everyone to know that this summer wasn't supposed to be slip back into robyndisease summer. really, i had no such plans. i talked to charlie last night and charles all day today off and on. i swear that boy is schizo b/c sometimes he's all about social ability and then sometimes he's just whiny brat. we're checking him for steriods. as for charlie, i don't know. john, i'm only dancing. it turns me on, i'm only dancing. post comment

heh. i always wanted to be her, and probably like every other option they have [22 Jun 2004|11:46pm] Scary in a very good way, you're Fairuza Balk. Intense. What sexy girl are you brought to you by Quizilla 3 comments|post comment

[22 Jun 2004|11:37pm] T Tough H Handy E Emotional M Mushy O Odd R Refreshing R Responsible I Ideal G Grungy A Adventurous N Naive 1 3 Name / Username: Name Acronym Generator From Go-Quiz.com post comment

[22 Jun 2004|11:20pm] luckily, i’m calm now, but earlier i was dangerous. i was so full of energy that i could’ve crashed my car and not cared. driving home from the movies proved to be fortuitous because i’m still alive. that sounds like desperation going overboard but it’s true. i would’ve cut like crazy, but i’ve trained myself not to. i thought about how to solve the problem. i could do the ninety mile an hour over the beltway, but was feeling self destructive and not particularly full of common sense... it would’ve ended in death. i’m not sure where all this crazy hyper angryness came from. I think that it maybe a reaction to the antifeminism of the Stepford Wives, which I saw tonight with Keli. The beginning credits were all those fashionista commercials from the fifties (or fairly good representations) that collectively embodied the women as she should be: the homemaker, dancing in front of the state of the art stove, smiling at her dishwasher, or sweeping up the floor playfully touch her husband’s shoes. OH IT MAKES ME SICK!!! watching that (plus the standard horror music soundtrack playing behind it) scared the shit out of me. i felt like crawling up the walls, as far away as possible from what i see as my almost certain future. but like i said, i’m better now, though not completely with it. i think it had something to do with the AFI special on t.v.: top 100 movie songs. i have no idea why, but it was calming. mmm it’s so funny to have these thoughts today, whereas yesterday i was all about mushy love songs. “i found a millionaire’s dream and i sold for it a penny because i realized that it’s not what i wanted i wanted you instead we were given this chance and brought back together why shouldn’t we get it right this time? it’s not often that two people get the chance to try again why shouldn’t we be together this time” ithat’s all i really remember from it. i guess i decided not to write it down last night because i realized how false it would be. post comment

[20 Jun 2004|10:26pm] mmmm i had so much to write about because there were so many things swirling through my brain. i wish blurty had like an instant uplink connected to my brain because then maybe my intelligence would shine brighter and be instantly enhanced, because it's definitely unenhanced by the passage of time. lol, like diluted or something. mmmmm friday, i got to play with the dishes while cleaning them, and it was actually fun to do for once because the bubbles from the soap kept slipping into the air and dancing around. one even boinked on my nose, i guess because i was in the way or something. dish soap bubbles are way more cooler than regular blowing bubbles because they last 10x longer in the air, honestly. my little brother spent the weekend at the house, which was just odd because then the male to female ratio is OUT OF CONTROL and i felt all spastically alone. it took us two nights to watch JAWS and yet still haven't finished it. the whole fam minus Mom went for a bike ride, and I only really died like once on the 6-8 mile journey, which is pretty damn good for the fat out of shape girl. i like riding bikes, i really do, but it just seems such an effort to go anywhere with it, but it's very relaxing and rewarding when the next day you have leg muscles. MWAHAHAHAHA!!! ok i'm calm. during the bike ride, we stopped at an estate sale, which turns out to be a yard sale for the EXTREMELY rich. we stopped thinking that we could pick up a few trinkets from people who were dumb enough to lose all their money at once, BUT the smallest trinkets were like 50 bucks. and out fron they were selling the mercedes for like 15,000 dollars. i dunno, the house was materially beautiful though. I've never met anything that made me feel the need so much to get instantly rich. honestly. for like a 15 second period, i was completely jealous. and oh it was wretchingly awful anger at being poor. but i'm not even that poor, and that was the kicker. right in the middle of my face. 1 comment|post comment

movie mania [15 Jun 2004|10:55pm] i saw Saved! tonight. Slightly niave and endearing and worth the movie price. everyone was really good at acting their roles, so that it almost felt like highschool which is surprising since i think the only actor close enough to actually be in high school was jena malone. i don't know though, even as i read the reviews, i still optimistically hoped for a smart and intellectually funny satire, and really they were just poking fun at religion. like a children's satire. not too much thinking involved. keli and i have initiated a movie night, once a week... beginning next with the Stepford Wives and culminating with who knows what. I know i'm definitely making her watch certain fantastic movies such as * Welcome to the Dollhouse * Monty Python and the Holy Grail * Empire Records * Boondock Saints * Dogma * The Crow * The Truth About Cats and Dogs Does anyone have any suggestions. although i'm sure i will come up with more as the weeks go by. She's supposed to come up with a list as well. It'll be an interesting sort of meeting of the minds because everyone has different favorites. For instance, I absolutely died crying watching Love Actually, but she didn't really get a thing from it, or so she says. One of the big movies I want to watch this summer is Secretary. Has anyone seen that? Currently I'm reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance for like the 3rd time. :-) Love that book. I could I guess possibly credit it partially for ending my depression. The more I read of it, the more I remember of reading it the first time, and the reactions and feelings I felt. Yesterday for instance, I finally got to the point where we meet Phaedrus, and how his mind works, split from the authors. It's indescribable :-) Works going pretty good I guess, but I really wish I didn't have to go all the time. Charles and I had a short conversation today about how all the people that work at this particular Target are part of the zombie parade and it's true. That was the first thing Dad and I noticed when we first visited the store. And I thought I was good by at least being lively most of the time, but according to Linette, a manager, however they measure the coolness that is Guest Services... it declined. I feel like I should quit now, because I'm obviously not doing any good at all. I mean, yes it's a job, shoot me, but it means a lot more than that. I take helping people to task quite literally, even if it's only the small shit that i can help them with. Still unpacking from all the shit Mom decided to give me even though she doesn't like me. Somethings I wish about myself could be different. And that's probably been my general attitude for a while now. I'm becoming more accepting of my faults (the real ones, not the ones i make up, which generally includes the fact that i guess i make up faults?) Anyway, not very confident at all. heh. mmm i think i'm going to go to bed. i have to work at 3pm tomorrow, but I'm the exhausted girl. 1 comment|post comment

[12 Jun 2004|12:40am] oh god oh god oh god ohg od i miss him :-( send me someone interesting and noteworthy so i can forget he exists. i'm begging you post comment

i'm on my way out of debt suckers!! [11 Jun 2004|10:25pm] woot woot PAY DAY!!! this is the chick that got like 650 dollars today!!! ::mumbles:: if they hadn't fucking invented taxes she'd have like 800 and something, but who fuckings cares, me duh 2 comments|post comment

movies you buy to satisfy that inner need to burn a hole in your wallet ::shakes head sadly:: [08 Jun 2004|08:34pm] so everyone knows about those cracked out people that want to be vampires, they hang around in little groups, drink dark red wine, and generally laugh about the fact they can't get dental work done because someone might find out. but little does everyone know the inspiration for all this idiocy- it's a little movie called the Lost Boys. and it sucks. lol. although it does make the whole vampire scene look really good up and until certain death and bad fashion. gotta love the eighties. and who knew vampires were supposed to have bad breath? certainly not i. i'm pretty sure i laughed at all the wrong parts. but jason patric is kinda hot, heh. 2 comments|post comment

written during some boring workday [07 Jun 2004|09:36pm] if i see silent lights blinking their warnings at people who can't comprehend the danger i become their messenger- ineffectual. full of miscommunication. how am i to know what's really going on? how does one interpret silence into sound? if i hear a shouted warning falling upon deaf ears who am i not to pass it on as best i can i become their alarm system- noisy. an ignored omen. for how am i to know what's happening? how does one translate noise into understanding? if i can taste the salty tears of tales of woe how could i forgive myself if i didn't weep as well i become their gothic novel .... and that's where some customer probably interupted me, lol. is it good enough to convene with a past self to try and finish it? post comment

...and i'm so about to quit my job and fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a bum... [01 Jun 2004|05:03pm] saw shrek2 yesterday and everyone MUST see it. i love how it has completely unexpected twists and still manages to root for the ugly people. :-) not to mention the hilarious take off on cops. "catnip." "'snot mine!" i went and saw it with mel and my brother. ian sat all the way up at the front cuz mel and i are the uncool kids i guess. i am so incredibly fat and need to fix that. ugh... tomorrow i go to the doctor and start physical therapy. ikes, ikes, ikes. 4 comments|post comment

[30 May 2004|09:54pm] mmm...so the older i get (by days, not years, this being the formative years of my life...well maybe months) the more i realize something. i totally just lost my train of thoughts. it has jumped OFF the track roamed into the woods and was eaten by a bear. drats. so i moved this weekend. the house is killer disgusting and completely fixable. i want to help fix the "fixer upper" because i feel as though it will be something meaningful that i have done, because i don't do many meaningful things. like today i put together my futon after rescuing it from mom's house and i felt like i had conquered the world. people claim it's the little things, but it really is the little things-that keep me going anyway. maybe because i can jump from thing to thing, ya know because they're little- there are lots of them. like from driving 80mph while singing music offkey at the top of my lungs to the futon assembly to cooking dinner to eatting frozen grapes. yes they're quite excellent. but i'm not trying to pretend like i don't have lows. cuz there are fucking depressive pits everywhere there isn't a little thing. the big things fuck you over, like the fact that i'm working 50+ hours a week for the man and he doesn't see fit to pay me yet. this citrus power person wrote about how horrible money was recently (i skimmed, so sue me if i got it wrong) and ugh, but oh i soooo need it: to pay credit card bills, rent, car repair, keep the monkey off my back, buy shit for college, build up my savings...blah blah blah. OR how this was supposed to be my summer of fun and freedom, and instead it's my summer of red and khaki, entrapment, and controlling parental units (just the other half). i haven't done anything social really, but i say that in jest. it's just not like spring vacation when i did like 40 thousand things a day. plus working the morning shift really fucking kills me; i wasn't meant to be a morning person. i go to bed early just so i can get up early. none of this 4 am shit for me. like it's gotten so bad that i use sleeping pills for their intended purpose on a regular basis because i am a closet insomniac. the highlight of my summer thus far has GOT TO BE the HFStival, which FUCKING ROCKED!!!! I got my pictures back today and Robert Smith is still hot as a blurry far away blob. :) and the Offspring turned out as black pictures, but I was there and I know that he cheated me and Jess out of the water hose experience but not getting close enough to the edge of the stage. and i saw the yeah yeah yeahs and that sharon o. had the crowd like riotting until she mentioned her b/f at the beginning of the Maps song. poor lonely horny teenage boys now left to masturbate to her pink makeup and fishnet stockings, because she won't be there in person. ummmm and me starting smoking again. oh well. it's a good thing i don't know about the whole packing thing because that's the only thing that keeps me from buying them, lol. mmmm...but anyway robert smith is a dream even close to 50 years old and i almost came out of my body while they were playing their new song, appropriately titled the end of the world. they didn't play any of the my humongously obsessed with songs, but that's ok because they played everything else. actually they just played and that was enough for me. :-) lemme break it down for ya.... it was better than sex. i got my eye on the electronics guy. :-) pray for me, k? and i get to see shrek 2 tomorrow!!!! everyone keeps reminding me of how i was going to marry him after that first movie, and how he got married to cameron diaz as the poorest excuse for an ogre ever. hell i'm fatter and uglier... i'm just missing the green :-( post comment

stolen from someone's xanga- [12 May 2004|05:02pm] Life and death There are things worth dying for. I would kill to save my own life. I would kill to save the life of a loved one. I would give my life to save another. I would give my life to save the life of a loved one. I would kill to avenge a wrong done against me. I would kill to avenge a wrong done against a loved one. I would kill to avenge the rape and/or murder of a loved one. I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees, I would kill out of love. I would kill out of hate. Fear I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of living. I am afraid of other people. I fear for the safety of my loved ones. I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of heights. I am afraid of water. I am afraid of fire. I am afraid of insects/arachnids. I am afraid of enclosed places. I am afraid of wide open spaces. I am afraid of crowds. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of what I am capable of. Sorrow and Regret I have sinned. I have done things that I regret doing. I have hurt people who didn’t deserve to be hurt. I have perpetuated a cycle of retaliation. Honor and Virtue I take responsibility for my own actions. Sometimes I feel responsible for the actions of other people. Sometimes I feel responsible for things I have no control over. I have a code of Ethics that I live by strictly every day. I don’t lie. I don’t lie, unless it is to protect someone else’s feelings or to prevent conflict. I don’t cheat. I don’t cheat, except to beat other cheaters. I don’t steal. I don’t steal, except from those who have already stolen. I believe that Honor is its own reward. I am trustworthy. I am Honest. I am Honorable. I am a good person. I will stand up for what I believe in. I will stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. I will protect the innocent. Duty and Loyalty I am Loyal to my Faith. I am Loyal to my Nation. I am Loyal to my loved ones. I am Loyal to myself. I ALWAYS put other people’s needs above my own. I Usually put other people’s needs above my own. I feel the need to give other people all the help I can. I do what is right, not just what’s best for me. I am a leader. I am a follower. When a task comes to me, I see it through to the end. post comment

rantings of an obsessive person, part 1 [12 May 2004|02:08pm] but only because i have a feeling, it's going to continue- i can't seem to keep my nose out of anyone else's business, but at the same time, i seriously feel as though he's a manipulative, deluded bastard who deserves nothing more than to get his ass kicked. he makes her cry, he pisses her off, he makes her upset, he doesn't let her have her space, and sometimes she feels as though that's the way it's supposed to be... that's not the way it's supposed to be. if she ever reads this, guessing from various other responses to my recording my life, our friendship's gone, but then again it seems as though it already is. i just can't help but stand up for people who seem like they can't stand up for themselves. but she is and that just makes him all the worse. am i being out of line? ( i should've just kept my mouth shut ) 2 comments|post comment

end of the year. leaving tomorrows. [05 May 2004|11:25pm] it hit me about an hour ago, that i have failed again at a relationship. i'm not going to say anything about what's going on with him because i honestly don't know. he dumped me at like 2 am this morning, deliberately waiting until i put up an away message and went idle. at least i was going to call. on a better note, my dad finally bought a new house, so i'm moving and i get the basement!! woot! and he also got a new car, so if we can fix it all up by the end of summer, i get his 2001 jeep cherokee. maybe today i should be materialistic, because all this news makes me happy. :-) so does passing my bass jury and getting a B in human anatomy.... beat that suckers a freshman can get a B in a junior level class (but that might be only at radford lol) tomorrow i have my last counseling appt down here for the year, and i'm going to have to admit that she was right, and attempting to date charlie again was a bad idea. there's going to be all sorts of crying. there's a small silly part of me that wishes emotions could make up for all kinds of shortcomings, but obviously it's not true. i love the guy with all my heart, but it really doesn't do a thing for him, nor does it save me from being a failure. 2 comments|post comment

[03 May 2004|08:58pm] someday i'm going to learn how to say no reasonably and not feel dumb for "being mean" post comment

friday night [02 May 2004|07:04pm] i just want everyone to know that Virginia Tech police have complete control of their campus. In fact, there must be so little crime on that campus that they need to stop two young innocent girls taking a walk around the duck pond and horse farm. well you think i'm kidding, but erin and i got stopped friday night for attempting to climb a tree. no, the tree didn't file a complaint, but apparently it's suspicious behavior to attempt to excersize soberly. i was informed that i can't climb trees cuz "you know, you might fall." you'd think with the 13 people falling out of windows, 5 feet to the ground wouldn't be that big of a priority. people wonder why we're all against moving and shaking in this society...because we get arrested for it, that's why. so, anyway, we were pulled over by this police car after the fact (yeah, i know what you're thinking but he definitely put on the lines and pulled over behind us and started following us on the side of the road- very unhealthy for the grass) because he saw us on his way to a very important spot (the u turn spot, i don't know what it is). he asked for our ids and reported us on his cute little walkie talkie- "yes i'd like information on radford id number 694014 and hokie passport id number..." and when we asked him why he needed to put that all out there, the policeman got all flustered "well you know....just in case someone does something around here, you might be a witness later on." AKA "it's the credible way to blame you for the criminal act cuz you were in that particular spot at some point during that nite." GENIUS...why didn't i think of being that anal retentive? by the way.....the tree was too fucking huge to be successful at climbing otherwise i wouldn't taken some nuts and thrown them at the police car for being an idiot. it was hella funny at the time anyway. shouldn't the cops be busting drunk people? i mean i saw those all over VT friday night, yet they got to act dumb. discrimination!!! post comment

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