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[01 Aug 2004|06:48pm] hey guys. i'm done here. i've just got a new journal for the purposes of allowing some people to get on with their lives. and quit wasting (their words) time on me. i don't know if you want to know or not, but i'll add you to my new one if you comment. i just want to make absolute positive sure that i can be myself without bothering people. 6 comments|post comment

[30 Jul 2004|11:18pm] amazing a small tear in the fabric of skin rips open to reveal stars spinning words of affliction soothing words of dreams gone awry a complete envy of all that could've been if only i were watching it break apart if i could just reach out- if i could just reach out and touch them touch you mark your life with my finger skin masterbating skin unbearably soft my blood beating on yours and lonely, the tears slide down a drop. at a time of reckoning and turning red as they pass through the wound and my dark eyes dying for help reflected in yours post comment

no, really. i'm fine, just miserable. [30 Jul 2004|10:49pm] i've definitely managed to put myself in a place that i can't get out of. i just want to constantly cry. it's not that purposeful crying, in fact most of the time, it's just goddamn pathetic that i can be so washed up. i've gotten used to talking to sebastian every night before i go to bed. i make him to call to tell me goodnight because i love his voice. he tries to get me to sing for him because he's delusional like that. but anyway, i'm going on night number 2 of not talking to him, although he left me messages this morning. my point is that i got used to a ritual and i'm not good with change and this happens to be a perfect example of why. we've only been talking every day on the phone and online for like a week and a half. he told me he was falling for me the other day, and i didn't have the heart to tell him that it was stupid. he makes me laugh, all the time, but he's certainly not someone to have a serious discussion with. like his life is all light and me entering it would completely destroy his equation. i feel closer to him than i actually am, but that's what night does to you. it makes you more open and vulnerable and crazily able to jump 30 minutes just to visit someone. although, i haven't yet because i've just been crazily busy with all the stupid shit that my mom wants me to do, and cleaning up all my junk with my aunt and her roommate. all the pictures are hung in my room including the painting ellyn did based on my drawing. all that's left to go up are the 5 paintings that i did. i love my room 10x more now. i just want to stay in it and not talk to anyone except maybe someone who's lying next to me that i can lazily brush my finger down their face while looking them straight in the eye. not POKING them in the eye, just caresses. i want to write so bad. i know if i just write, i could get it out and feel much better. because i'll never let my tears escape. i had something the other day, screaming to get out, but i left it behind at the stoplight on route 1. i couldn't remember it long enough to write it down. so anything that comes out now will pale in comparison to what could've been. 2 comments|post comment

[29 Jul 2004|11:13pm] i'm hoping i can get everything out before i lose interest in writing in something that i choose to profane. i guess it's just a weird way of comforting myself with the thought that it wasn't me. i mean there's a lot of stuff that i've done or that's happened to me that i want to write down, but it seems difficult to write it in here, just because it means that it happens on the same plane as, well, the cutting. i guess chronological order is best because it's easiest. period started. charlie left for georgia, and it hurt, but not as much as i expected. i swear that sometimes the feelings don't seem that strong. somedays i'm like charlie who?, but then the next day i'll wake up and all that's in my brain is him. like he's invaded every single cell in my body, but i feel too good to care. and i'll be at work paying attention to some no receipt return, but can't even be comprehending what they're saying, because i'm thinking about how i should be home making out with him, touching him, talking to him, loving him. then i feel dumb, because it's just that- dumb. retarded. stupid. he doesn't feel the same way, it's all a penis problem to him. and maybe that's not really what he's thinking, but he can't articulate anything else. and being told i'm good for "mr. peppy" is just not my idea of showing affection. and if saying, "i love you", doesn't come naturally, then it's just not there. and it's not there, unless i force it. i was visiting before he left for georgia, and what i needed was comfort and "i love you"s from someone who loves me. he can't do either and i think if anything makes me cry, that does. i just have no idea what to think and what to believe. and it has bullshit to do with "believe what you want to believe" because hell if i'm going to hurt myself for no reason. it's just too fucking complicated, and i'm pretty sure that if love exists, then it reeeeallly isn't this complicated. otherwise people wouldn't go for it. if anything convinces me that love is dead, it will be this faux pas of a relationship. it's going to kill me. and anytime i talk about it with him, he acts like it's some chore that he does for money. "i wish you wouldn't come over, because when you leave i feel bad." then why the hell ask me to come over? and what the fuck does feel bad mean. there are too many half truths running around his aura. so i had my first conversation with charles. he turns around during break one day and asks, "do you know any songs with your name in them?" and i can only think of the 60s bebop hit, "rockin robin", and he laughs and says it's older than that. and i'm thinking count basie maybe had lyrics to his songs, but charles busts out with the fact that the song he's thinking of is a madrigal. and then he does a little dance when i cut him off to tell him that i know what a madrigal is. and what followed was a pseudointellectual conversation (with him being the intellectual, and me being the "hey, i took a class about that freshman year at college"). he's going to bring in the cd and let me listen to it. i'm so excited i can hardly blink. lol ok, that's all i can handle for right now, but it can only get better. i'm trying to put this in order of coolness, so i end up feeling better by the end of it. post comment

gotta get this in here before i forget [29 Jul 2004|12:04am] "Let them think what they liked, but I didn't mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank, but that's not the same thing." *kudos to whoever said this, i forgot to copy that from someone's info. but it's a fantastic thing, to read this. i have so much to say, but it always seems that after i've been myself, i avoid my journal with a passion. maybe i'll write something not particulatly newsworthy, like boys, or maybe drum up a bit of poetry to reassert myself with my journal. post comment

i long for the things i never had [22 Jul 2004|07:25am] the first cut is the most difficult, but only because you're slipping back into a habit, previously stigmatized with the name horrible. after that, it's like a little bit of heaven. bold strokes made without fear or hesitation marks. the sensation of tears welling up behind your eyes, but liquid drops running red down your skin. i haven't hit below the skin yet, but these are dull scissors and i'll just press harder. my body is filling up with the pure energy of anger that i can't otherwise express normally. it's been so long, but it is its own kinda of ecstacy and right now, i can't believe i ever stopped. who did i stop for and why? who was worthy enough (and i say it sarcastically) for me to give up my crowning achievement- a coping mechanism that works. and i hope you're happy. oh to bleed for a purpose. i pray you're part of the solution, not the problem. ~raven post comment

a small parade of tears [21 Jul 2004|11:33pm] i carry around with me a lot of silly fears. no, they aren't silly to me, just to the people who can see right through them. i never purported to be the strongest person or to be the one who highdives off the tallest diving board just because it's there. i'm just me, and sometimes i get tired of being teased or made fun of for who i am. i'm scared of cops. yes, i'm scared of the complete package. i'm scared of the uniform, the terribly short hair, the hats, the cars, the lights, and the attitude that comes with the wanton misuse of power. this definitely doesn't mean that all policemen are exactly like that, nor does mean that i've met some like that. in fact, most of the cops i've met are fairly nice, decent people who have dedicated their lives (i'm not to judge on foolishly) to helping people by arresting them or sometimes just giving them a stern talking too. so i guess it's supposed to mean that it's an irrational fear, but i beg to differ. who else is out there monitoring your activities, your stupidity and your lies, on a regular basis. clearly it's not the physical presence, but it's the social obligations that come with having a police force readily available to detain you for anything that doesn't go along with a set order. i have no idea if it's because i dated people who were legal when i wasn't, a constant reminder of how they could go to jail just for being with me and more subtly, how socially inept i was amongst my peers. i have also been told in my past that i am a member of society that doesn't fit. someone crazy, maladjusted, and a throwback to bad genetics that couldn't ever get along with normal people. i have no idea if any of that could cause the problem, but i'm scared of cops. i'm scared of being pregnant. i'm scared of having this little person that's growing inside me. i'm scared of the responsibility of having someone that's half you, that will grow, and in doing so, be adversely affected by anything you say or do. i'm scared that it would turn out fucked up, just like me. i mean, of course it would, because i would be one raising it or handing it off to an orphanage or for uncertain adoption. and i can't say for sure that if i became pregnant, that i would get the abortion- the choice i rally for. whether a child can skip a life for a better one next go around, or maybe that there isn't a next time. that i would be choosing a final death for someone who should've chosen it themselves. it would be a stupid thing to do at this point in my life anyway. i have no history of longterm relationships, and although i would know who the other half was, it doesn't mean that they would be there. and if i ever have children, i'd want there to be another half; it means the possibility of balancing out my neuroses. i have no way to care for a child. i have no love, no money, and no selflessness that could possibly be put to good use. i have no support system that could possibly handle that. it would just be me and this child, who completely deserves better, just as i might've early enough in life. i won't ever believe that it's wrong to think ahead about this sort of problem. at the same time, it's ironic that i choose to have sex, albeit with protection, then choose to have this paranoia every time afterward until my period begins. each time i feel that it won't start, which sends me into this depression. the thought that i could seriously ruin someone's life and that i would be completely responsible for it. i'm scared of being pregnant, so sue me. other than all that, i'm scared of being alone. i already feel that way much of the time, so it can only be true to me that i have cause to worry. i don't think i push people away anymore or i desperately try not to because i long for companionship in any sense. i like people, friends, lovers and i selfishly want them all, first to arrive, and then to stay. they rarely arrive, and when they do, they certainly don't stay. i want someone i can talk to, someone i can cry to, someone who will be there with me as i have stupid days, or horrible ones; sometimes i have good days and i want whoever to know about those as well. i want someone i can trust. i want someone to love me, and be able to say it outloud where i can hear them, not pretending like it's said all the time, but that i'm just not paying attention. or that they're incapable of the word, but i should already know psychically what they're feeling. i want someone to be excited when they see me, or even to hang out with me without me preempting the idea. i'm tired of playing these dumb games. i'm tired of always being the one to call. i'm tired of being the one expected to maintain the friendship when it clearly doesn't matter to anyone else. i'm tire of being alone, but i'm scared i'm always going to be that way. nothing can cheer me up from it. post comment

on the late night trip to wendys [13 Jul 2004|12:59am] r: so imagine it's like 12:30 at night, and you're coming across route 1 from wendys (which is across from krispy kreme) and u r hindered by a black lady pushing a giant grocery cart in the right hand lane s: k r: its not funny to you? r: some lady push a cart up the street in the middle of route 1? s: no s: oh rs: like she was pushing the cart like it was a CAR or something s: oh hahahaha r: and just traveling in the road r: we turned around to watch her r: like not only was she driving a cart, but she was fucking weaving in and out of the lane s: hahahaha r: like onto the sidewalk and then into the middle lane r: and then sometimes she would stop and look around and play around in her EMPTY cart r: and then continue r: i couldn't breathe i was laughing so fucking hard s: hahaha r: i think the best part is... she didn't fucking get run over by some car r: she must be a regular s: hahaha r: so thats my story s: hahaha r: some lady strung out on crack was traveling in the right hand lane of route 1 r: behind a cart post comment

on the subject of him being a cool cucumber and how that makes me completely unconfident [11 Jul 2004|02:10am] r: i keep having the cool cucumber disease r: or the people i date rather... which usually ultimates leads to the profound revelation that they didn't like me at all...that's how they managed to stay so cool cucumberish c: um r: but it all didn't matter as long as they got play so ::shrugs:: c: but i'm like that all the time c: its just me c: you have a trick c: that c: makes me not like that c: but i ammm most of the time post comment

[10 Jul 2004|12:33am] even though the last journal entry started out as merely musing on my part, i've dragged myself into some deep dark abyss. i need to talk to someone otherwise there will be lines all over my legs. i've just told one of my best friends to stop talking to me. and i'm thinking that i'm going to change my screename, not tell anyone, and then start over. maybe this time i can get it right. 1 comment|post comment

[10 Jul 2004|12:30am] although i like to think i'm not perfect, maybe sometimes i act like i am. i try to think of it as me being overzealous and wanting the best for everyone, but i'm afraid it comes out like i'm pretentious, conceited, smarter than everyone else, and more experienced. i'm really not and i wish i could change this ridiculous behavior. i hope everyone doesn't think badly of me for subconciously being like this; it's almost as if i have no control over what i'm doing. if i feel as though i can help, i will, even if no one asks. sometimes i'll even butt in to save face, by adding my two cents to the conversation if i think it's even remotely related. sometimes i whisper gossip in corners, afraid to say the shit to their face (i.e. what i'm thinking). i'd like to think that most of the time i'm truthful, and have something to say. i'd also like to think that what i say is relevant, worth everyone's time, and is going to helpful eventually in some way, like unwanted advice that people will eventually realize they need and be all the better for it. i asked kat yesterday if i came across like this and she said no, but i can think of lots of times where i really could've kept my mouth shut. i think i try to fix things to make up for the fact that i really have no way to empathize. i was born without all those human rational feelings that people are supposed to get. sometimes i feel cold and uncaring because that's the way it is. sometimes i feel empty inside because there really is nothing to fill me up with. i think that's why if i feel something i latch onto it like it's the next messiah; i really do intend for that passionate response to carry me through until another one comes along. they're few and far between, a rare jewel that most people can relish instantly. but sometimes even that line of thinking feels flukey because i know that i want to feel. i want to go somewhere inside my head and just have emotions like most daytime soaps. running through me in a river, like some out of body experience. as horrible as they make me feel, i don't think i could ever be tired of them. but for an example, one of my friends is having a rough time of it. i wish i could lay down exactly what was wrong, but i honestly don't know and she has no plans to tell me. or maybe i just don't have plans to attempt to understand. i think it's the latter possibility because i wouldn't be helpful at all. i'd just pull out the self rightious side of me that automatically "knows what's going on and how to solve it." how does someone hurting respond to an overbearing personality like that? it does them no good, probably makes them feel worse, and certainly isn't helpful in any way, shape, or form to help them get where they're trying to go safely. i always act like i'm judging people. for instance, calling Target an "intellectual wasteland". Kat says it's true, but that's not the point. There's no reason for me to say it, because I'm only thinking of my own misery. and that's what this is really about. i'm a very selfish person. it's something i can deal with because everyone should be selfish in their own right, but there is always a limit. therein lies the paradox. even if i started trying to act more in the interests' of others, it would still be for my own motivation (to be less selfish). so really the cycle perpetuates. there is no end. 2 comments|post comment

[09 Jul 2004|11:55pm] so my brother has learned the art of masturbation, but not the subtleties of social niceties... like NOT doing it while me and family are trying to watch a movie. eeeeewwwww post comment

[08 Jul 2004|11:53pm] there's a reason why krispy kreme donuts are sold around the world to the waiting mouths of children and adults alike. excuse me while i gorge myself like the fat child that i am. depression has this funny way of sneaking up on you and laughing uproariously. and adding calories to your thighs, later, as an afterthought. post comment

[08 Jul 2004|10:07pm] so i visited him on tuesday night. almost thought i wasn't going to make it, because i finished watching movies with keli at like midnight and couldn't find an open gas station to fill up on to make it down to woodbridge. by the way, i want everyone to know that Cold Mountain and Big Fish are great movies, especially Big Fish- that was fantastic, but i watched that Wednesday and that would probably be a whole separate journal entry. so i came home, took a shower, and was off. I got there around 1:30 and stayed until 7:18 (and that's probably exact). i'm so glad that i made it home and i want to apologize to EVERYONE that was on north 95 and north route 1 on wednesday morning. i'm really not that much of an idiot, and falling asleep at the wheel is not a common occurence, but I was sooooooooooooooo tired driving home. and there was no place to stop, that was the worst part. I just had to keep going until I got home and could collapse. fortunately i made it and without accidents...or at least none that i was awake for. and there are no new scratches, dings, etc on the van. so happiness all around. all in all, i feel it was a good night. i'm going to spare people the details, even though i really want to describe in detail. i finally got a straight answer out of him. one that i can understand and perhaps working on believing. but i think that certain things he says are true. he's been around for almost a year, what does that say? well alex was around for 2, but sometimes you really do need to question motives... heh. but i think now, i should probably stop. because when i'm not being all analytical and questioning stuff and wondering why he doesn't need to talk to me all the time, i'm kinda content. post comment

my july 4th [05 Jul 2004|10:41pm] i want everyone to know that i started out writing this journal on real paper with a real pen. it's a very soothing activity, anxiety slowly diffusing in between the lines, creating order out of chaos. it's a great feeling. i hate that when it rains it pours. at the beginning of the summer, jackshit happened. i got up, went to work, came home, ate, then slept and of the course the deliberate wasting of time on AIM. now i'm doing shit all the time and i'm definitely not complaining, but i hate prioritizing activities and people. that usually means that someone gets left out because i'm not very good at it. normally, it doesn't matter because there's all the time in the world to reschedule and make up for lost time, but this time there's a little bit of an issue. normally i know there's an understanding that being shortchanged is not a personal slight. but NOW with charlie, in particular, all self confidence in that theory vanishes. i have no clue what's going on. he wants to see me, but is it hook up time? he likes and cares for me, but what does that mean in his world? i want a relationship, but know that it won't work. i know that it's all about him and will be for a while, so how much will i emotionally screw myself by participating in a hookup situation only. i can't fool myself into it being something less superficial unless i know. most importantly, why am i analyzing this so much? it's constant debate in my head as to what is going on. and the closer to july 24th i get, the more i panic because he's going to georgia and won't be back until after i've left for college. that whole tangent actually kind of leads me back to my original reason for this entry. this weekend was July 4th. so i should spend it with people i care about, which generally doesn't include my parents. so i made plans to hang out with my friend Okey. On July 3rd, we were supposed to go out to dinner or dessert or a movie, but it didn't happen. In addition to that, I had talked him into helping me move some of my mom's furniture to her new house. some of that shit was fucking heavy- needed a strong manly man to help move it type deal. well, okey arrived an hour and a half late for various reasons: dryer emergencies, homecooked meals, and "Okey" time. he literally showed up as mom and i were walking out the door. (boo to my mother for inviting herself along. i hate driving with her in the car because she curls her fat self up into the passenger seat, squeezes her eyes shut, and bitches. she bitches about how fast i drive and how unsafe it is, how i can't park, and i can't follow directions carefully. in short it pisses me off and i fantasize about running the passenger side of the car into a tree in hopes of maiming her mouth). i could've killed Okey for eing the last sttraw in a really bad day. I was channeling Cypress Hill like mad and I seriously kicked him when he walked through the door. July 4th started out so fucked up. First, I was working and NO, moe people did not flock to the store just because it was a holiday and they were paying me time and a half. then i go home on my lunch break, and charlie starts hinting at how i should visit him a la last week. i was feeling pressured to go, because everything in my body was screaming for it, but circumstances prevailed. i drove my van to mom's house and it died. it managed to run out of oil in a month. and mom wouldn't let me go get some, she wanted me to spend the night for whatever reason. so i was pissed because that meant that we would be driving to woodstock granny style, not to mention that we had to move all of the furniture from my car to hers. we won't take the time to go into my fear of lack of independance in this entry. it kinda went uphill once we started out on the road to woodsock and it stopped pouring. i rode part of the way with okey, after having to listen to my mother exclamate on how much she loved okey, and how much i was obviously in love with okey, not to mention how she could hear the patter of little mixed race children. i'd rather listen to okey's horrible music selection. why can't girls and guys just be friends? this is seriously becoming a problem, or maybe it always has been, but i wasn't so irritated at how everyone was sooo completely wrong about my feelings. okey and i have been friends since 7th grade, and that's never going to change. at all. mmm... while we were in woodstock, we decided to get dinner and went to one of the yokel local fake italian restaurants. basically they had a little rascist fit at the sight of Okey and wouldn't seat us. it was the sweet sachharine voice disguised as concern for the timely delivery of our orders should we sit. she said they only had two waitresses and were extremely behind on orders. it was just too darn bad that plenty of tables were open, and everyone who had been served was in the middle of eatting. i was disgusted. we went to arby's instead, where someone asked me if i was pregnant. i think the best part of the trip was driving hom eon the highway and being able to watch each town's fireworks, but not actually having to deal with any of the noise. it was the best display i've ever seen. it made for a nice ending. post comment

[03 Jul 2004|10:43pm] i was doing some random blurtying... meaning that i was hitting random and reading the various journals that came up. what is with the large population from singapore on here. i mean it's awesome that blurty is so worldly conscious or interconnected or something, but 3 out of 6 is a little ridiculous. heh. it was a little bit scary, but cool at the same time. ooooooohhh, another thing. there are a lot of people who suffer from the exclamation mark disease. this might make me a bitter person for being upset, but seriously, how excited can one get about a haircut. (of course, i shouldn't mention that if i had their problem i might be a perfect example of ignorance is bliss and my life could be better). i'm slightly jealous; is their life really that much better than mine? are the most exciting and least trivial things in their life haircuts? and cookie cutter camps about God? and nothing wrong happens to them? if all this is true, then someone got the short end of the stick. and i'm suing. post comment

how i'm feeling (lyrics chosen spastically) [02 Jul 2004|10:18pm] ( Black Eyed by Placebo ) ( Lost by The Cure ) it's been a rough night. i mean sure, it started out good, i went out to dinner with sarah at chipolte, then we walked through a farmer's market to burger king in search of cheesecake for my roomie. we ended up getting those cheap hersey pies that are somehow so incredibly good. we talked about random shit, nothing that seems incredibly important until you think about the fact that we're just connecting, which most people thought could never happen. i'm going to miss not seeing her as much next year, but maybe this means there will be less arguing. lol. i finally figured out the problem with my parents. i know i've probably said that before, so maybe it's just a huge insight in the the cogworks of their brains. my mother hates me and my brother, specifically for those parts that remind her of my dad and my aunt Cathy (well that whole side of the family anyway). my father admitted to me tonight that he seriously thinks i'm just like my mom. and even if i really wasn't, he's going to take everything i say as though it were her saying it. doesn't that defeat me as a person from the beginning? he doesn't see me as my own person, but rather a "teber" clone. i left my mother because she acted the same way only vice versa. not to mention how hard i've worked to get out from underneath her presence and suddenly run up against the brick wall here. and even worse than that, the whole thing is my fault, just for him seeing her in me. when do i get to be my own person? with my own personality? and stop being someone else's mirage... post comment

[01 Jul 2004|11:52pm] if she had the green eyes reflected in me, she could see beyond the world and know what’s hiding behind your faux pas maybe she could write a letter and let me know what’s going on inside your head i’d rather us continue in this friendly fuck vein i’d rather know that i’m miserable because it’s a surface relationship then spend my time curled up in the chair wondering why it doesn’t ripple at all when i throw my anger at it if she figured out anything about what was going on, i’m immediately ahead of the game that is consistently being played without my knowledge because now i know nothing and it’s killing me with a harsh silence post comment

[01 Jul 2004|11:07pm] tonight, dad and i did some exploratory surgery in the house to add a telephone line to his study. this oh so cool telephone line is going to be my savior for it wil have a DSL line so I can quit stealing this person’s wireless internet. although i shouldn’t complain, it really does me no good because a) it promotes the immorality of my personality and b) only really lets me chat online, promoting my addiction to the AIM life. but contrary to popular opinion, it’s going to be a while before instant internet is available to me, probably around september, which by that time, i’ll be back at radford and not need it. nothing much else is going on, but i get to eat dinner with my roomie of yore tomorrow and i’m excited because i miss her. okey and i are supposed to hang out this saturday night too :-) so much for doing anything constructive. hehehe post comment

i didn't actually get to where i wanted to go in myself [01 Jul 2004|12:00am] so i want to talk about how i’m feeling. it’s just how i’m feeling, but it’s important to me. and it’s my journal so i should be able to speak my mind in it. and if people read it and are starring in it, that’s their own fault. and if it’s thought that i’m speaking badly about them, well all the more power to them. if you don’t want to read about me and how you affect me, well stop. so i went over to charlie’s house monday night because he requested it. it’s amusing how just the day before i had been talking to sarah about how easy this would be to start talking to him again. i just couldn’t visit before july 24th, because that’s when he was leaving for georgia. all i had to do was resist temptation for a month and everything would be fine. i lasted what, a whole day? that’s really pathetic of me. first, i guess, it must be said that i know that i’m in love with this guy. it could be the same old cry for male attention i suppose, but it doesn’t seem that way. and not to mention that everything seems purely illogical when talking about him or how he affects me. it’s not a BRAIN thing, that’s for damn sure. if not, i’m sure those higher human centers could resist him telling me to come over because he was bored and wanted company, but would allow me to sleep. how stupid do i feel now for falling for that. it wasn’t even stupidity because i wanted to. i wanted him to hold me. i wanted to live in a some sort of dream bubble, well forever. heh, but a night would do. it took me about 30 seconds to make the decision. and before you know it , i was redressed and out the door, completely forgetting that my dad would probably kill me if he knew what was going on. so driving on the way over, i decided that i maybe wasn’t as tired as previously thought and would at least watch cartoons with him. i guess maybe just try to see what all the fuss was about. so it started out as a tickle fight which led to wrestling which led to me on the bed and him on top of me trying to convince me that i should kiss him. it didn’t help that every thought in my head was telling me that i should kiss him as well. yeah so you can imagine, given my rate of success so far in this story, how long it took me to kiss him back. and it went downhill from there. well at the time it was definitely uphill. it was going good, really good, fantastically good. despite all my misgivings. i didn’t really feel loved, but i felt at least liked. that should have ticked me off to the situation. i didn’t really feel cared for. it’s most likely my perception because i didn’t feel completely comfortable in the situation, but that was completely overwhelmed by my feelings. may i take a break to say how disgusted with myself for sounding all romantic and mushy and gross? i feel so vulnerable writing this all down because i know it’s going to somehow screw me over in the end. i’m baring my soul here lol and it hurts. the fact that i’m still managing to type that i’m laughing only confirms it. so we messed around for a while, and then i ended up falling asleep just like i promised and he woke me up at like 5 so i could go home before his stepmom woke up. i can’t believe that the whole thing happened, but we got away with it. i’m talking to charlie now, but i imed him. he hasn’t imed me to start the conversation once since we started talking again. everytime he answers back should be a little victory, but it really isn’t. how many cracks can you put in something before it breaks completely. mmm but he was saying how i didn’t say goodbye. and i don’t know, what would have been appropriate? how do you say goodbye to someone you don’t want to leave? alright, well it’s a couple of days later anyway, and so of course we have all the doubt swirling around in my brain because damnit, i wouldn’t be me if that didn’t happen. so now the big question has become- was i just being used for play? or was it supposed to mean something? i feel very alone here because no one can give me answer. and i’m sure he could, but is it trustworthy? this is no good. i have no idea what to do, and i’m soo lonely with no one to talk about it with. and i can’t talk about it with myself because we all know i don’t see straight. i think i’m going to go cry, not because it’s productive, but because i can’t figure out anything else to do. 1 comment|post comment

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