dripping with sin, do it again   
01:52am 03/03/2004
mood: pensive
music: Mars Volta- Inertiatic
well, it's been quite some time since i updated this shit.
heh, oh the lazyness...

whatever. so anyway stuff has been going alright i supose, i don't think things could be too much better or too much worse ::sigh:: we've been having friend problems lately, and i'm beginning to worry that our little group is drifting apart, that scares me, since i'm used to my close circle of friends, and i don't think i'm ready to make new ones. i don't open up easy enough to just flat out make friends where ever i go, i'll talk to anyone, but making friends is a bitch for me.
janelle has only gotten stranger lately and she's serioulsy scaring me/us. i've known her for close to 10 years now and it seems like in the last few months she's changed so much, i almost feel like i don't know her, we're all afraid we're losing her, and i soooo don't want that to happen. i couldn't bear losing her as a friend, 10 years down the tubes is quite a lot if you ask me. i just hope it doesn't come down to that, and i hope she just opens up to us and tells us what's wrong. i know someting is eating her up inside, i just wish i knew what it is. i've never had long bouts of depression myself, they just seem to come and go, just like any normal person, but with her, we've been noticing an obvious trend. she hasn't formally said anything about being depressed, but considering how long i've known her, i'm pretty sure that has to be an underlying cause. it absolutely kills me, KILLS ME to see her like this. i know this isn't her.

this weekend was quite good, friday i got a call from jess asking if i wanted to hang out and see a movie, so me, her and melissa chilled at sunset place, ate a johnny rockets, then watched the movie twisted. erm, that was a waste of 7 bucks...saturday rolled around and i woke up late, considering i didn't get home 'til after 1 and then stayed up to talk to kevin for a while longer <3...so anyway, saturday, once i woke up, my mom wanted to go bargain hunting, which i have absolutely no problem with, it's great, i seem to always find the coolest shit at cheap stores...so when i got home, i got a call from jess again saying that her friend annalee got free tickets to see a hockey game, and being me, i was like "hm, hockey=hot guys, hell yes i'll go" so i showered, drove my ass to jess's house and we went from there. after the game, we went to sunset again and saw the movie club dread, erm another waste of 7 bucks...but 'tis all good, heh. we were fucking hungry so we stopped by wendy's grabbed a bite around 12:30 am and headed back to jess's so i could get my car and go home. sunday was a rather uneventful day, we had planned dinner with everyone, me, janelle, melissa, keri and jessica...but last minute, janelle called jess to cancel, like she always seems to do...so i suggested that we move the evening to my house for pizza and make it a blockbuster night...that went over well...everyone came over and things went very smoothly, even janelle seemed to be in a fantastic mood, i wish we could have more nights like that, just all of us hanging out, being goofy and being friends...fuck the world, why has it corrupted us so that we cannot just enjoy having friends?!?!?!

so my week began quite the same as every other week seems to...boring and pointless, school is so uninteresting to me lately, i truely loath it. i swear, i absolutely dread waking up to go to that hell, the highlight of my week are only the times i get to see kevin, if i could only get the balls to tell him how i really felt, my life would be gravy, but being the spineless fuck that i am, i have done no such thing as of yet. i do all kinds of things for him, stupid, little things, i'm currently working on a comic strip for him to add to the collection of my drawings he has on his bedroom wall, i love thinking that he has a little shrine to me through my art, it's the greatest feeling. ^_^ but seriously, i never would have thought the on my first day of fall semester i'd come across some guy in a backwards cap, who would turn out to be one of the people i'm closest to...damnit jackie, stop being such a pussy ::sigh:: anyway, he's getting me somemore kickass hardcore music, <3, i love it now, hardcore is so freeing, it's so alive. i love everything about it.

so i've almost gotten pierced about 3 times in the last 2 weeks! i swear, i'm just going to go do it and get it over with. i've decided on an industrial, not too obvious and still strange in a good way. hehe so yeah, if i ever get my ass out to do it, i'll write about it.

well, that's all for now
09:35pm 24/02/2004
mood: relaxed
music: Blind Melon- No Rain
09:24pm 27/01/2004
mood: amused
music: ventrilo
12:22am 26/01/2004
mood: confused
music: anah aevia
i'm so hopelessly in love with kevin.
it's so great to finally just be able to flat out say that, technically, we're not "dating," but from what it seems like, we could be moving in that direction someday. we got "married." one day not too long ago, we were talking and he said something to me like "you hate me don't you" and i said "yes kevin, i do." and he was like "so it's a love-hate relationship" and i was like "yeah, i don't know if i love to hate you or hate to love you" and then he says something like "well, that's how marriage goes" at that point i was like "umm...? kevin, did we get married without my knowing?" and was like " yeah, like 2 months ago, you were drunk." so...that's been the standing joke between the two of us ever since, but he really takes it more serious than a joke sometimes it seems...he calls me honey, sweetie all those things...so anyway,he recently got me into hardcore music, he just wanted me to listen to it, but when i told him i liked it he got really excited, i've really changed. i was telling him that i had my friend in the car and i was playing some hardcore and they said something to the effect of "jackie, what the hell happened to you?" and kevin thought that was great, he responded to me with something like "i think i'm in love" that kind of took me by surpirse...i don't know if he just has a problem just telling me that he likes me, i'm seriously confused, i'd love to tell him i like him (it's not like i haven't sent him enough ideas) but i really do like our friendship and i'm so not the type to just tell a guy that kind of thing...grrr...i'm seroiusly pathetically confused it's eating away at my brain...
thrusday was keri's birthday so we decided to go out on saturday to celebrate with everyone...that was semi-diasterous...and that's putting it lightly, we went ot P.F. Changs, don't get me wrong, that's a great restaurant, but on a saturday night, the wait is fucking insane...we waited probably close to 2 hours, TWO FUCKING HOURS...i was ready to scream by the time we finally got seated, but dinner went well, janelle's cousins from new jersey are in town so they came with us (which was not a problem until later in the evening, which i'll get to eventually) so we ate dinner, the cute waiter made the evening slightly more tolerable...but he wasn't kevin (who i really wish could have been there), but anyway, after dinner we decided to go bowling...big mistake. we all piled in to the cars and met at Don Carter's and of couse, there is an hour wait for bowling and an hour wait to play pool...so that was out of the question too...all this led us to the parking lot of the bowling alley where we decided to cut the cake and let keri open her presents (IN THE FUCKING PARKING LOT) so, after that, janelle and her cousins kind of broke off from the group and had a talk, while they talked, the rest of us talked and decided to go to blockbuster, rent a movie and go to jessica's house which was close by and watch a movie...so we pitched the idea to janelle and she informed us that her and her cousins decided they were going to go home (mind you, janelle does not drive) so at that point we were like "and how are you going to get home?" she was like "um someone can drop us off?" so after some arguing about who knows what, i was like "fine, i'll drive them home, you guys go to blockbuster and i'll meet you guys at jessica's" which would have been fine...so i dropped them off (i flew over there btw) and called keri's phone to tell her i was leaving janelle's house. keri told me they were still at blockbuster and couldn't decide on something and that they would wait for me there, meaning i had to go to blockbuster...ok, at this point i was getting annoyed, i felt like shit because i'm catching a cold and i have NO voice whatsoever...which really made it hard to call people on the phone...heh...so anyway, i got to blockbuster and melissa was on the phone and keri and jessica could not decide on anything to rent...so after walking around for a few minutes, we picked up a box, saw jimmy fallon on the cover, and were like um "we're tired, just ge this and let's go" so we left blockbuster and went to jessica's house, we played some video game (which i am absolutely horrible at) then around 12 or so, we put in the movie, which turned out to be really, really bad...oh man, was it bad...so we took it out and jessica had the movie down with love, so we watched that, which also turned out to be, well, pretty fucking bad too...jeeze, i don't know what the hell was with that movie, it was bad though...so then i took melissa home, and then went home myself, feeling like shit and ready for bed. i talked to kevin for few minutes before bed, which made me feel a little better :) and then i passed out.
well that was my "fantastic" saturday night ::sigh::
oh well
p.s. Kevin's zodiac sign is cancer, coincidence? heh
off to find my cancer in shining armor...   
09:53pm 13/01/2004
You should be dating a Cancer.
21 June - 22 July
This mate is protective, kind and compassionate.
Though this crab can often be possessive, moody
or crabby, he or she is strongly attached to
his/her sexual partner.

What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
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today has been the BEST day ever   
05:02pm 08/01/2004
mood: dorky
music: NIN-Closer >:]
AH...well it's been ages since i updated this journal and i know i shouldn't be so damn lazy, because writing in here has been pretty therapuetic, it feels great to just vent. well, school started back up again ::cringes:: well, i can't complain too much because it's not nearly as bad as last semester. monday and tuesday were slow and draggy, and i didn't know ANYONE in any of my classes :( i was all upset. then i was talking to kevin online and we were telling eachother about our classes and it turns out that he had some crazy-ass teacher for his western civilization class, and i said that mine wasn't too bad. so skip forward a day, and he informs me that he wants to drop his western civ class, he asked me about mine and told me he was thinking about picking it up to replace his, and that he missed chilling with me, he said he could use the company of a friend! that just made my whole day, so i told him to go for it. i went in the shower and when i came back, he told me that he was in my class now X) so i got to class today and then kevin came in, it was so great, i'm so happy to have a close friend with me in class, he's going to keep me sane. kevin is such a nice person. then when i got home today, i came in and the 2 dvds that i had ordered from drive-thru records had come in the mail, so now i'm just in a super great mood! the first thing i did when i got them was to text message melissa, she's the one person who understands my insane little quirks, maybe because she's the same way, melissa is one of the coolest people i know and she's the one who introduced me to my favorite band (something corporate) she and i are totally on the same page most of the time, especially when it comes to music and crazy weird things like the type of guys we like. so anyway, hmm, i'm really hungry. i haven't eaten since like yesterday ::sigh:: maybe i should eat something? on a less happy note, i haven't had my normal computer since like saturday...i've been using my dad's laptop instead, i'm really getting tired of using this thing...my computer's USB ports both died and the sound card too, so anyway, when my dad took it in to the shop, they said it had four viruses...FOUR...and who knows how long they were there...it sucks, so they are trying to fix it and i don't know when i'll get it back :( that's all for now...byee
06:08pm 23/12/2003
06:04pm 23/12/2003
  Something Corporate  
more conor for me...yay   
02:17am 11/12/2003
mood: ecstatic
music: Hopesfall- April Left With Silence
Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes

*Who is the perfect Emo Singer boyfriend for You?*
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02:06am 11/12/2003
mood: pleased
music: The Offspring- Hit That
lookie i'm a something corporate shirt yay!
band shirt
You are the band shirt. You LOVE music, and can't
go a day with out it. ROCK ON!

*What piece of clothing from Hot Topic are you? (For girls)*
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oh conor, you complete me :)   
11:45pm 10/12/2003
mood: amused
music: Bright Eyes- Lover I Don't Have To Love
musical conor
conor oberst. ahhh..a deep one you are. yes. you
must appreciate bright eyes if you're that
deep. conor's big eyes and dimples can't hurt
much either.

Who Is Your Ideal Male Celeb?
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lip kiss
kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but
quite daring. you move for the kill confidently
knowing the other person wants the same thing.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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You represent... insanity.
You represent... insanity.
You're quite a quirky little creature. You're
emotions are varying. You may appear childish
and innocent, but you have a tendency to freak
out. You're incredibly random, but it's good
to be unique. People know you're an odd one,
but you certainly don't mind.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
big pink pearls...   
02:02am 10/12/2003
mood: determined
music: I Think I Love You- David Cassidy & The Partridge Family
so i'm sitting here, bored to all hell...it's 1:35 am and amazingly i'm not tired. i swear i have insomnia, no lie, i'll be tired like the whole day, night comes and BOOM i'm awake?! go figure, what the hell is my problem? hmm...i want cake, is it weird to want cake at 1:37 in the morning? yeah i suppose it probably is...oh well, i'm watching recess, how pathetic is that?! i used to love this show when i was in like middle school...oh and pepper ann, yeah that show was the shit! hm, i'm thirsty now, and i still want cake argh...
so tomorrow i have to go to work...bleh, but at least i get paid...50 bucks more than i had today...that's the way i see it...jessica called me today to ask me if i didn't mind feeding her dogs when she goes out of town for christmas, they are going to pay me like $100 or something that is going to be sweet! 100 bucks for driving to her house and putting food in her dogs' bowls, hell yeah baby! dude that's piercing money...i decided, i'm getting my tongue pierced...i wanted it like a long time ago then didn't, now, kevin and i were talking and he asked me about whether i thought he should do it and it just brought back all my old desires to have it done. so that's what i'm going to do, maybe when adam comes down to visit next week, it's going to rock so much ass...hey i just invented a new phrase there heh...rock ass...i want a boyfriend...i have never been one to complain about not being in a relationship, but lately it's been on my mind...probably because i have this enormous crush on someone, i mean bigger than i've ever had, and they are pretty much oblivious...i think...and that kills me, because i see them all the time and talk to them all the time and he runs through my mind constantly, i don't know what to do, i don't think i've ever had it this bad, mostly because my other, previous crushes have been kind of unattainable, and this one is just within my grasp...he's like a drug for me, i love to think about him because it makes me happy, almost like a high...it's so incredible, this is the effect he has on me and i don't even have him...maybe i'm crazy, or in love, i wasn't sure if i believed in "love at first sight" until now, because the moment i saw the BACK OF HIS HEAD, the first day of class, i was sure i liked him, it wasn't until i saw his face that i knew he was the guy that i wanted to be with...that's gotta be love, or at least infatuation...he and i are pretty close, and i like that, but i want to be close on another level, a relationship level...fuck friendship...and i lied when i said i was cool with him liking other people, the more i thought about it, the more i realized that was bullshit and i was just fooling myself...i could go on for hours, so i'll stop now
California Here I come...   
11:38pm 08/12/2003
mood: weird
music: Never Heard Of It- Veronica
California is where you should live. Unless of
course you lied on the quiz which would be
stupid. It's crowded as balls there but the
weather is perfect, except for the occasional
earth quake.

What State Is Perfect For You?
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07:18pm 07/12/2003
mood: silly
music: Hopesfall- Endeavor
Where the hell have you been?! Benji's been
looking for you!! Lucky you. Benj is awesome.
He, like you, loves punk music, tattoos, pizza,
and people watching. (Yep, people watching ;)
But underneath his wild exterior, Benji's
actually pretty shy when it comes to girls; he
doesn't like to make the first move. (The poor
guy's afraid of rejection! :*( So you gotta be
nice to him!) But when it comes to hanging out
and being himself, he's a total animal - so you
better be spontaneous or he might get bored.
Have fun with your Kid Vicious!

>>> Which Good Charlotte Boy is Your Love Match? <<<
brought to you by Quizilla
he's kinda hot in a weird way...their music isn't exactly my favorite though...
12:57am 07/12/2003
mood: artistic
music: Green Day- Welcome To Paradise
so i'm back from islands of adventure...i had a surprisingly awesome time!! my cousin and i luckily have a lot in common (like music taste, dress, that kind of shit) and so her friends also are very much like how i was at that age, just a little more updated...so it was really great...shit there is so fucking expensive though...that really sucked...
so my crush and i are on great terms again, i guess it's a little more awkward for me because whenever i see him/talk to him, it's kinda in the back of my mind that i have a bit of a thing for him (he's still none the wiser as far as i know), that wasn't there before, but in any case, things are very good. i got the new blink-182 cd like when it first came out, it's so great! kevin called me a punk queen today, i loved how that sounded haha, i'm a punk wueen looking for my garage band king in shining armor...kevin gave me an amazing cd too, it's ill nino-confession, it kicks quite a bit of ass, i haven't really listened to that kind of music in a long time, but now i remember why i used to like it, so not only am i into punk, but once again into heavy metal...yay...the weather is really cold, i don't know if i like it or not, at least the humidity is down and my hair cooperates, but, it's cold and i don't know what to wear lol, been doing some drawing and sketching, i'm really happy with how my art has been coming out lately!
well that's all for now, enough of my bullshit lol
quiz time   
12:18am 03/12/2003
mood: bouncy
music: nirvana- rape me
You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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you're social. you like your friends, dedicated.
you're you, dont change

do you hate 'are you a goth' quizes
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Sid Vicious
you are sid from the sex pistols..punk as fuck.

what celebrity are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
another someone...   
11:13pm 02/12/2003
mood: geeky
music: eve 6- inside out
so i'm chilling in front of my computer one day, a while back, and i get an IM from this guy in a band called punos...so anyway, we talked for a while and he is so awesome! he's a drummer and he's hot, then again, any guy behind a drum set is usually hot, so are guys with guitars and basses, those are the three SEXIEST instruments ever!
so anyway, punos is a North Carolina band, damn too bad...well they are going to start touring so maybe i'll get to meet him someday, or at least see the band, i'm a concert junkie, i could go to concerts everyday...lol they are something corporate fans too, ultimate plus...he let me listen to their music and it was acutally really, really good. i would totally promote them if they needed promotion in miami!
so anyway...   
10:45pm 02/12/2003
mood: pleased
music: marcy playground- sex and candy
Yeah so yesterday i guess i was in a bad place, i don't know, just one of those days that you are kind of sad and rejected...the blahs...yeah. I'm better now, i did however decide that i'm going to find a guy or someone i can be close to and talk with...unfortunately my best friends and i aren't nearly as close as we used to be...probably because we don't go to the same schools anymore and can't be that close...my crush's a nice person, but if he's looking in other directions, it's really ok with me, it's not like either of us ever showed any intrest in the other anyway, we became close friends really fast, like we rushed into a friendship that most people don't have until they've know eachother for a while, like i can really tell him any thing and vice versa...
i had a few drinks...not much though, so i'm still in my right state of mind, but enough to be slightly buzzed, it feels good, like stuff is going well for a change...haha, i can make sense of the world
i've been really careful with what i've been eating, and it's so paying off! for the first time in probably 2 years i'm beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin...it's such a great feeling, my pants are too big and my tighter shirts actually fit me, yay...i honestly can't find anything to complain about right now, except for maybe school but other than that stuff is unusually good for change, go figure, well that's all for now...
damnit, the buzz is gone :(
10:48pm 01/12/2003
mood: happy
music: the IM noise
life is good again!! i'm happy...
03:26pm 01/12/2003
mood: rejected
music: korn- falling away from me
ok so i'm sitting here just enjoying the quietness of the house and i get an IM from this guy i like...and he tells me he's making this little thing for this girl he likes...it's a little heart with lights and stuff...and damnit, it just hit me like a fucking brick wall, i think i have a little crush on him...i'm like "omg!" i don't know why it never really struck me 'til now, i guess it's hearing him say that he likes someone and he's doing things for them, that bothers me, any way you look at it, :( i guess it's because he and i have become pretty close friends like we talk until 3 in the morning and i made him brownies and he helps me with like everything...aw i'm such a dork...i think it's just been so long since i've been with a guy, i'm getting withdrawls...haha, it's not that important, i'd rather not screw stuff up i have screwed up so damn bad in the past with such great guys and that's probably why i've avoided relationships since...
eh i'll get over it