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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
anthony's Blurty:
| Tuesday, August 26th, 2003 | |
| 12:46 am | whatever well today was just another day, that fucked up bitch im'd me today saying she is sorry for all the fucked up shit she did to me, she goes that she appologizes for not giving me a reason for y she did what she did and she told me she did it because she didnt know what she wanted and she just wanted to be friends, that is bullshit, she is the one that made all the advances at me, the straight up fact is i dont really think i liked her at all, i think i just fooled myself into thinking i loved her. the fact is i know we wherent right for each other, but the fact is i dont think i will ever fall in love with a girl, i fooled myself so i could feel whole, so i could feel complete but i didnt feel complete and in the end she made me look like a fool. i dont really care, the fact is i dont hate her but i hate the way she makes me feel. and she still dont realize that, i dont care though, i dont think i will ever fall in love with anyone, there is one girl i have found that is perfect in every sence of the word she is cool, beautiful and makes me laugh, and she always says we r equal i wish i was as real as she is, i just doubt myself too much to be equal to her. my life is a joke and i am going no where, and the funniest thing is i dont even care whatever happens happens lol i dont care about myself aslong as my friends and family are ok i dont care at all |
| Friday, August 15th, 2003 | |
| 1:07 pm | blackout 2003 all i got to say about yesterday is hollly shit, let me explain my day, i was working at newsday and all day the machines where fucking up then at 2:30 my machine whent down and we where waiting till about 3:50 then they said we could go to lunch lol it didnt bother me i didnt do anything since 2:30, i whent to the break room, i was watching the family feud on the break room tv that is alll they watch in there lol, well like after two minutes out of nowhere the whole power goes off, it is pitch black noone can c anything, the doors to the break room are electric sliding doors, so we where stuck in the break room, then the back up power whent on but only lit like 3 lights wich didnt do much since the warehouse is huge, none knew what was happening, they made us go out of the building and wait in the back loading dock, finally we where aloud back into the building but had to stay by the back loading dock, then we found out noones cell phone worked everyone was confused as all hell, noone knew what the fuck was happening finally someone found a radio that ran on batteries,when we found out what happened there was only one thing people where worried about, it was already 5 and we had about 300,000 papers to insert and before we can insert them they have to be stacked by the stack down people, if we started then we wouldnt be done till atleast 10 at night, that would be aslong as the night shift came in to relieve us at 10, but the only problem is there is no power for the machines to run hahaha, then they told us we need to wait till the generator to start up, this made noone happy because it was dark and obviousely not much work was going to be done, they refused to let any of us leave, so me and a few of my friends from there just chilled haha then finally the generator started up at 7:30 but there aint noway in hell we r gonna work fuck them they r gonna keep us here till this late hell no, so me my friend bob, derek,orlando,mike and a few others where hiding out till we could leave lol we where walking around the whole building hahaha. finally at 9 we where all getting verry pissed especially since we found out every single night shift person called in sick, we all said fuck this and walked out, they cant keep us there fuck them, then i get home and my friend gaspar comes running up to me, he says anthony your whole family is looking for u, they whent down to your job, they couldnt find u they are at your dads and they are all worried, great that is the last thing i need lol, but i whent to my dads and luckily they where drinking and where verry relaxed and didnt really care lol it was all good,overall it was a crazzy night but definitly one i wont forget |
| Sunday, August 10th, 2003 | |
| 1:20 am | well what a night my moms wedding, it didnt really hit me that i had my own house till my dads g/f asked my aunt if she could smoke inside and my aunt said dont ask me ask anthony its his house. it fealt weird, i am 19 with my own house how many people can say that. i fell as if my mother abandoned us, my dad says i should always love her, i am mad at her and i am the type of person that holds grudges if u do me wrong i will make sure u know about it. i fealt the wedding was a joke, but the truth is my whole life is a joke, i am a 19 year old with a house. i dont know i guess i shouldnt feel sorry about myself but i cant help it i feel empty inside and the more i try to act happy the more angry i become i feel like i am putting on an act and i am pissed i just want things to be back the way they where, today i feel as if i lost a part of myself and in the ceremony when i gave my mother away to gill, the fact was i was in reality giving her away she has always been there and now she wont be. it is sad but i guess that is life, life is about change either u keep swimming or drown. the way things r looking now of days all i got to look forward to is a burial at sea |
| Wednesday, August 6th, 2003 | |
| 12:55 am | hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha lol all i can say is i am glad tonight, i love my brother, but at the same time i hate him, tonight he invited my cousin over wich i was happy about i was going to chill with them and have a great night, but then he invites this bitch and her friend, me and my bro have fought over this bitch many times i told him when she comes to hang out do not expect me to hang out, i cant stand the bitch i hate her,i told him that i wouldnt even talk to them if she comes out, and that is exactly what i did, when she came over i left them and blasted my music as loud as possible and tried to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible,but in the end it blew up in my brothers face that made me so happy i cant explain, he deserved it soo bad, when it comes to women my brother is a total asshole,he gets me very pissed, adn tonight,he was hanging out with that bitch and she made a rude comment about him it made me soo happy my bro got mad and said she would never come over again, i am glad now i can rub it in his face and i never get to c the bitch again, i hate her, my bro got what he deserves fuck them both, i have come to realize when it comes to women i cant trust anyone, it seems everyone fucks me over, my brother my friends, you name it and they have fucked me over well all i can say is fuck my bro he got what he deserved -anthony |
| Friday, August 1st, 2003 | |
| 12:08 am | lol well what can i say i been under alot of stress lately, today was a big breaking point, i whent to work and they put me by myself and made me do double duty from 11:30 till 8 with no o.t no nothing, then i get home and my father is flipping out on me because of my car, i told him i didnt want to get into an arguement so he decided to come by my house and yell at me,frankly i dont need the shit that has been happening to me, it seems like i got a great weight put on my shoulder, i dont know how to get better, i dont know what to do, i try to make the best of a bad situation, but this is really hard it seems my life keeps going down the drain, i will say though there have been some people that have just talked with me, and sometimes we just talk about nothing but even talking about nothing makes me happy, atleast happier than i am feeling now. well everyone that has been there for me i appreciate it, this has been the hardest time in my life in a long time, the last few years have been really bad for me actually, dont get me wrong there have been good things, but the bad things out way the bad, i know i aint looking at it in the best way, i should be focusing on the good stuff, but it has been so long since something good has come along i almost forgot the feeling of being happy.well i know i must keep it together, i know that i have to do this not for my mothers sake or my fathers sake, in my eyes they aint my family, there r few things that make me keep getting up in the morning, but the things that always seem to be there is my brother, and my cat, plus i keep waking up because i have hope, i have hope that i will once before i die meet this girl that has meant the world to me. i have known her for like 2 years and she is just really cool, and she has always been there.the bad thing is she lives about 4 hours away wich sucks, but i need to keep hope. well till next time i guess i will be seeing you around -anthony |
| Wednesday, July 30th, 2003 | |
| 5:05 pm | patton speaks whats on my mind "i believe in death i believe in disease and i believe in injustice and inhumanity and torture and hate i believe in murder i believe in pain i believe in cruelty and infadelity i believe in slime and stink and in every crawling putrid thing every possible ugliness and corruption you son of a bitch i believe............in you" -patton |
| Saturday, July 26th, 2003 | |
| 1:05 am | fuck you i swear i am feeling fucked up, i am mad and pissed and sad all at once, i am confused i dont know what i am feeling, i am sick of being placed third everytime i chill with my bro and cousin and women, i am sick of this shit, my bro wants me to back off a girl so he can get with her, he already took 2 girls away from me, i hate him so much sometimes he acts like a real pain in the ass. straight up i feel weird i want to scream but i cant i feel like i am locked up in a little room that i cant get out of, no matter how i try, these fucked up feelings wont leave me, i feel like my brain is starting to shutdown, the fact is i have stopped caring about anything, i dont care about anything, i really dont any more.life in my eyes is a joke.it is pointless i mean the only reason i stay here is because i would miss my cat, to some people that is a joke, but it is true, my cat is the only thing i love everything else in my eyes is fucked up, thats all i got to say |
| Sunday, July 20th, 2003 | |
| 5:33 pm | tap and move hey whassssupp people nothing here, just chilledout last night at my friends weenie and sondra's house it was weenies 21st bday, me and matt whent we had fun then i came home my bro came home, mycousin came home, and they brought home two chicks, that where hotttt, then tina jill and steph came over, i didnt want to chill with tina or steph, so i whent outside and chilled with my cousin and the two girls,lol i was chillin with them the rest of the night and got my drink on, and then one of the two girls named karin and i had our own little party :) another notch in my belt hahaha i tapeddddddd it lol. it feels good to be back to tapping and moving hahahaha till next time keep chillin,cya around anthony |
| Saturday, July 19th, 2003 | |
| 5:49 pm | i am backkkkkkk heyyyy whassssuppp everyone the old anthony is back and i am ready to party this shiznit up u know ho i do it, fuck that chick she is a slut cunt and will get what she deserves i dont miss her or anything lets all hope she keeps up this bollemic shit and dies soon :) . lol but onto other things, i am partying tonight, it is gonna kick ass, i partied last night it was fun as alll hell lol it was awesomeeee alot of cool people, some dicks but who cares lol we left all the dicks and started our own party at my house hahaha it kicked asss lol. my house is once again aprty central :) i am back the tap and move law is back into effect, i am drifitng my way through life now having myself a fun time and not letting shit bother me |
| Friday, July 18th, 2003 | |
| 1:22 am | tears of nothing lie awake its a quarter past 3 im screaming at night if i thought u'd give me, yeah my heart is calling you and nobody knows it but me how blue can i get you can ask my heart when like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all appart a million words couldnt say just how i feel a million years from now you know i'll be loving you still..........i couldnt have said it better myself.y do i sweat this girl so much yyyyyyy man lol it is confuseing, but i think if i talk to her i can get her to come back to me, i just dont know y i want her back i wish someone could telll me yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. lol, i dont know what to do.i have shed all the tears i think i will i just cant live with myself if i dont give it one last try at getting her back. i need to go down fighting i justdont want to look like a fool. |
| Wednesday, July 16th, 2003 | |
| 4:58 pm | what did i do today, nothing i aint been felling up to doing anything, i have just been thinking alot, taking in trying to absorb the things around me, trying to find something that will make me want to keep waking up every morning. the outlook aint too good, i am still upset, but i am moving on, i accepted all the bad things that has been happening, not just my girl, but the thigns with my parents and with my house and all the changes that are gonna be happening, i guess i just have to move on, now i just have been trying to get my life straightened out,i keep wrighting in here it helps but the truth is a million words couldnt say just how i feel,i miss my girl, i miss alot of things, i wish i told her more how i fealt, i tried to talk to her and unload my heart in hopes she would come back to me, but i couldnt do it, i couldnt bring myself to call her number i was real close too, but i just couldnt, well hopefully everything will work out, i just cant help think if i told her how i fealt maybe she would be here right now |
| Monday, July 14th, 2003 | |
| 6:39 pm | i swear i cant believe how shitty my life has become, today me and my mother are having dinner, i cant stand her, she starts talking about leaving and how she really doesnt want to but has to, then she starts crying, what the fuck am i supposed to do, i have her crying, my girl just broke up with me, i am so depressed i aint been eating or sleeping, i have been wrighting in this stupid journal 2 times a day what the fuck man, y cant everything go back to the way it was, my fucking birthday is next week and i almost forgot about it, how the hell am i supposed to think about my birthdaywhen i have so much shit going on in my life right now, i will tell u my girl used to tell me how her x left her at a really bad time in her life and how she hated him for that, well guess what u just did the same thing to me, this is the worst time in my life and u left me and dont even give a shit, i seen u today in the supermarket i lost my breath i cant keep doing this to myself. people wonder y i drink alot, they wonder y i am overly happy alot of times, y i am the life of the party. the truth is because i dont give a fuck about my life, i drink so much because i wish i was dead, i hate myself and i hate everyone around me, i put on a mask for u people making it look ike everything is alright, well nothing is alright, i miss certain people i hate having my feelings locked inside, i hate the fact everything is changing, i hate myself most of all |
| 1:44 pm | the last day of my life i been reviewing the last few days and i think i do love this girl more than she will ever know that is y i am gonna make one last attempt, if she still says no i am just gonna take a break from my life go away for a little bit, cut loose from reality, reality is a bitch sometimes, i will never forget her or the times we shared, i always try to take something good from all the relationships i have been in, i think i took the greatest memory of all from this one, i have fealt the closest thing to heaven that i will ever feel, i dont know if there is an afterlife, i dont really even want to know, but what i do know is if heaven is half as great as the way i fealt when i looked into her eyes for the first time,i am gonna try my hardest to get in. from this relationship i have learned to be a better man, and i thank you for teaching me that,even though we didnt last long the memory will remain with me forever, the first time i can truely say i was in love, i wasnt in it for sex, i wasnt in it out of boredom or loneliness, i was in it because i loved her with all my heart,i didnt need to cheat on her, well this is anthony, saying goodnight to everyone who reads this, goodnight to the people i love and goodnight to the girl who stole my heart. maybe we will meet again someday |
| Sunday, July 13th, 2003 | |
| 8:12 pm | lastnight was the worst night of my entire life,i got a call from my girl and she tells me she thinks we should just be friends, she says she isnt ready for a relationship, when she told me that i was shocked, it came out of nowhere we never got into a fight, we never even disagreed on anything, how could she do this. this was the first girl i stayed true to, i didnt care about any other girl, and anyone that knows me knows it is hard for me to stay with one girl, but one girl is all i wanted, when she told me i was just really pissed, she wasnt ready for a relationship, y didnt u say something before instead of stringing me along for over a month, i feel like i've been played like everything she said was a lie, she said she missed me, how can i believe her, she never returned my phone calls , shows how much she missed me,i loved this girl from the minute i talked to her y did she do this, i dont know, she wants to be friends, i cant, i cant stand to c her with another guy, i cant stand to be around her and not kiss her. how am i supposed to controll myself when i hear her voice, i am in love and nobody cares, plus lastnight more bad news, me and my bro got into a huge fight, i hate when we fight i hate screaming i hate when things dont go the way they should, right after i fight with my bro she calls me at 11 after i called her 9:30 and she tells me she isnt ready for a relationship,i swear god must fucking hate me, he must have a personal problem with me because when everything is going alright in my life he messes it up. i know i didnt make it easy for her, i was nervouse, i never fealt like i did when i was around her, i wanted everything to be special,so many things could have been for us, but i guess we will never know, i still ove her and i always will, i hope we can work things out and get back together. i hate my life i wish i was dead, i wish i would get a break one day, i wish god would help me out, i wish i didnt have to feel pain Current Mood:  sad |
| 1:34 am | i wish i weas dead :( Current Mood:  blank |
| Friday, July 4th, 2003 | |
| 1:39 am | how am i feeling tonight, well all i can say is pissed at the wolrd is an under statement compared to how i feel tonight, everything is backfireing on me, and i am just annoyed at everyone who is around me, i am sick of people bullshit, i am sick of the lies and i am sick of the games people play, why cant people stop acting like totall assholes. i will tell u i found a girl that i really like, maybe even love, but tonight everything was thrown in my face, i had a shitty day and maybe i am over reacting but i am just pissed, i think godhead said it best "i hate today".i hate today i hate tommorrow and i hate every other day that i have to put up with total bullshit, i just get sick of life sometimes, y must people live with so much pain. this world is a fucked up place and the people in it make it even more fucked up. i just sometimes wish it would all end, i cant stand people bullshit anymore i wish everyone would leave me alone.maybe i am saying this out of anger or maybe i am just saying it to blow off some steam, but there is a possibility that this is the most rational thing i have thought about. maybe the best thing is for me to start over without everyones bullshit bothering me and ruining my life. Current Mood:  aggravatedCurrent Music: ship of fools- by the gratefuldead |
| Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003 | |
| 1:02 am | should i run for presidnet of the united states hmmmm well well well, i guess i should start talking about tonight. hmm yeah that sounds pretty good,i didnt do much today, worked at newsday, it sucked but whatever, then tonight i played an amazing game of mini golf wich i kicked ass if i do say so myself,and thats all. monday sucked i was supposed to go with a great girl to one of my friends parties, my damn car broke down and i spent all damn day trying to get it back home, the girl called my cell phone, sorrrrry i didnt call back i was working on my car :(well i hope she knows i missed her, she is a truely great girl i always have fun with her, she is the greatest thing that has happened to me in a long time. well other than that i would like to say i am verrry disapointed noone left a message saying how i should be times "man of the year" obviousely you people dont appreciate my stunning great looks and my extraordinary ability to drink alcohol, but its alllllllllllllllllllllllllll good lol well till next time cya around keep chillin go to hell and all that other good shit lol. Current Mood:  accomplishedCurrent Music: road house blues-by the doors |
| Saturday, June 28th, 2003 | |
| 12:05 am | borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrringggggggggggggggggggg lalalalalalalalalalaallalalaalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalallalalalalalalalala alalalalalaalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala boredom is funny sometimes. it can make u go crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy lol well since i got that out of my system, sooo whassssuppppp nothing much here just chillin like a villan on penisilin. u know how it is. i didnt do much today, i worked at newsday u know how it be, hittin up the papers hahaha, then i came home to mi casa and chilled in the fucking A.C. lol it kicked assss man well not really but whatever its allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll coooool. u know some one said i should be the new york times man of the year, i would have to agree. i am that damn good.sooo if u feel i should be new york times man of the year put in your comments. :) welll till next time i willll catch u on the flip side and all that other shizzznit. soooo peace out keep chillin got to hell and all that other good stuff. ohhhhhh yeahhhh before i forget there is one chick in particular u kick assssssssss. Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: the pusherman |
| Tuesday, June 24th, 2003 | |
| 5:24 pm | i am mine whassssupp people, nothing much here just chillin, i just got home from work wich was surprisingly awesome, my boss is on vacation and my friend is in charge wich kicks asss. yesterday i didnt do much, ran errands for my dad, then chilled with the coolest girl everrr lol. we didnt do much but it was all cool. i always have fun when i chill with her, the only girl i know where even when we dont say a word we say so much.spending time with her kicks ass we always have fun, even if we aint really doing anything. well besides that nothing else is new in my life. same old stuff, i started talking to a friend of mine that i havent talked to in a long time wich kicked ass, she is doing good, that made me happy, she deserves to be happy.it seems like everything is starting to look better. well hey till next time keep chillin cya around Current Mood:  sillyCurrent Music: "i am mine" by pearl jam |
| Friday, June 20th, 2003 | |
| 9:11 am | work is a bitch yesterday fucking sucked, my asshole boss put me on the hardest machine at my job by myself and then all the machines on one side of the ware house shutdown, instead of sending those workers to help they sent them home, and gave us there work. it was bullshit and it made me pissed they had me there from 11:30 till 9:40. i was dead tired and really pissed. now i got work again today. aint that a bitch, oh well thats the way life goes sometimes, i get all the work dumped on me.but other than work sucking there aint been much happening.wednesday night i chilled with the coolest girl in the world it was awesome we whent to genovese and i gave cleo the cow a new home :) cleo kicks asss haha. well hey i guess thats all i got to say till next time, keep chillin cya around. Current Mood: annoyedCurrent Music: bush "come down" |