| I Love You, Don't Ever Fucking Question That |
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| 09:41pm 05/07/2004 |
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mood:  tired music: "Change" by the Deftones
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Summer school...blah blah....Steve's home...YAY!!! arguing right now....peace |
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| I Wub Da Pose |
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| 10:58am 07/06/2004 |
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mood:  grateful music: Beethoven in my head from last night
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Yesterday, me and Pose just spent some quality time together...It was awesome.. She cut my hair, then dyed it and then she helped me put dreds in it....I feel hella like, whole...I haven't kicked it with friends for hella long and It feels hella good....I wish Katy could kick it with me more too, but I'm not gonna say anything...when she wants to, she's always invited...Even though Steve's still gone, the people around me seem to soften the blow....so now, no more complaining...just take it like a man and kick it with my friends... |
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| He's Gone and I'm Lonely Again |
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| 10:28am 04/06/2004 |
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mood:  lonely music: The Descendents
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So, he finally went to Mexico....Without me and I totally miss him. He left so suddenly and it seemed as if I didn't get enough time to spend with him...Well, I guess I'll live, even though I gotta watch three weeks go by as slowly as posible. I love you Steve...I'm waiting |
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| It Only Hurts When I Breathe |
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| 03:23pm 16/04/2004 |
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mood:  cranky music: It Only Hurts When I Breathe by Shania Twain
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so....today was good. went to the movies with mommy and uncle John...fun...Saw Kill Bill 2...wasn't as good as the first...but Steve....made me angry...and someone told me there is no such thing as anger...it either disappointment, or sadness or something like that....so I guess I was disappointed...he said he was gonna ask his mom if he could come spend time with me in Fremont, but instead only asked if he could go with the fam. to the movies....thats only the beginning.... then he called back and asked if we could still go and get him...i was happy....any other time anyone called while i was in the shower i would have been upset.....then, right after i put my eyeliner on...he called and had Mike ask if he could stay with him! Steve's a big boy, he can make decisions on his own...just let me know....and besides, i am totally pissed off at Mike and Katy for calling me a whore....yea...they did...i guess im more hurt, especially because they told that to my boyfriend behind my back....but yes....then my moms are fighting....Mer has been flaking and my mom broke up with her...im sad but i gotta just let nature take its course....blah blah blah...oh yea...im taking vocal lessons...my mom is more excited than i am...but i have a sure record deal...meh, wateva makes money i guess...so peace all..... |
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| "Could a Manequin Have a Nicer ass?" |
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| 03:38pm 10/04/2004 |
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mood: cheerful music: No Regrets by Aesop Rock
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Yestaday, the immediate family went to the mall...we saw Avril Lavign...i feel bad cuz she looked horrible...hella anorexic and shit...hehe...i flipped her off and told her to die...childish? meh....cnat help it....i felt kinda sad when Mike said Katy was his best friend...why? i dunno, i guess i always wanted a guy to say i was his best friend...but Katy is best friend material...she's mine too... welll .....toodloooo peace...im out this bitch...
thought i forgot about you mom, huh? nope...i still miss you as always and i love you more than i can say... |
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| Hmmmmmm.... |
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| 08:37pm 06/04/2004 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: BOB by NOFX
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Sociability |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Activity Level |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Excitement-Seeking |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Enthusiasm |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 68%
Trust |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Morality ||||||||||||||| 42%
Altruism |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Cooperation ||||||||| 30%
Modesty ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 63%
Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Neatness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Achievement ||||||||||||||| 42%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Cautiousness ||||||||||||||| 42%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Volatility ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 42%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 42%
Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Introspection ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 42%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Hmmmmmm...... |
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| AWWWWW...the little Gremlin wants to Play With Fire.... |
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| 06:44pm 28/03/2004 |
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mood: annoyed music: London Dungeon by The Misfits
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well little Kendra....your blood will soon be on all of our hands...just wait...u are very lucky i didn't twist your pretty little neck into a pretzle...next time i see u....ur mine...and that would be a promise... |
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| Steve wants a gumball to Replace the ones Rosie hit |
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| 11:36am 23/03/2004 |
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mood:  drunk music: RAT PLAYING GUITAR
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We're all hella smashed.....gotta love it......Corona...mmmmmm....Rosie's yelling at Espresso....but having fun.....im gunna kill mike's attacker.....ill fucking kill u....and if its Claudia.......ILL REALLLY KILL U!!!! bye guys..... |
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| I Do........ |
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| 12:41pm 20/02/2004 |
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mood: cheerful music: Blackout by Dropkick Murphys
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Oh dear lord....It was the most Beautiful reception in the whole world...As soon as i got there Jenee made me cry....how i miss them both so terribly much...Josh got smashed and we did some shots together....Talk about bonding! He wants me to come up here to Humbolt county for the summer, I can hardly fuckin wait...i love it here...Peter, Jenee's lil brother is my age and wants to show me how to surf...IM SCARED! I can barely fuckin swim in a pool! but yea...what else....oh yea...DRAMA and i dont mean, "THE SUN, DANCES ON MY FACE..." i mean she's breaking my heart he's being too possesive...." but i love everyone...kat's right, we are all hella fucked up! but i gotta go to lunch with the Newlyweds....peace |
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| Steve is tempting me to Smoke!!!!! |
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| 04:37pm 16/02/2004 |
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mood: infuriated music: Matando Guerros by brujeria
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Can u believe fuckin Saul called Steve and told him to tell me to get off of his nuts......some balls....watta bitch...he confuses me...he killed ME!!!wat the fuck does he want....and i don't know who my friends are anymore....(or do I have Any?)it seems like my kat always picks my boyfriends over me....anyway.....but yes....i love my Steve....gotta go....going to go to Union City.... |
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| New semester blah blah... |
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| 11:46am 20/01/2004 |
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mood: annoyed music: Britney humming
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noisy ass kids roaming the halls, yelling across the quad...exchanging schedules...who fucking cares?I have a dickheaded asshole for a history teacher...a sassy bundle of lipstick ans stilletoes for a math teacher and a wispy haired gentle creature for a drama prof. i outa 3 not bad so far...i still have to go to fourth...i can feel the excitement bubbling inside of me...Mathematics...how i hate thee......ms. Romero is too....what's the word...cute...attractive...a tease? yea all of those...nobody can really take her seriously...they're all popping their zippers everytime she bends at the waist to anitial our schedules...now she's giving us 20 min. of free time...how productive...i just cant wait to take a death defying leap into the wonderful world of slope intercept forms and the absolute values of x...yea so Rosie and katy got lip rings...they look nice...but it makes me want more rings....more.....yea...i think i want at least 2 more....so anyway...just hope that i survive nouns and pronouns in english... |
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| do i ...really? |
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| 11:52am 28/11/2003 |
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mood:  devious music: "all by Myself" by Celine Dion
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well...i step on people...i guess...or is it that my enemies like revenge.....sex....kisses....i suppose this is what i deserve....but i have my mom....so everyone who hates me and wants revenge....FUCK OFF!!!!!! maybe you all are jealous of what i have...with no need to be...i have a MOM....i dont need you all anyway...im still alive and im doing good....so if you hate me....squirm...if not...so be it....im tired now...so i guess i'll sleep....there's my mommy...ahhhhhh |
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| "Now, tell me again....Why?!" |
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| 01:52pm 27/11/2003 |
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mood: excited music: Karma police by RadioHead
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Hello, my family, my friends (or ex-friends i should say)...i miss you guys...you know who im talking to...my girls...ummm yea so boyfriend, infidelity, for the 2nd time....can i cry yet? but other than that im alrite...im at my mom's for the turkey day...excitement....im also doing good with school....but i still cant wait to get home!!!!!but i should go, granny needs help in the kitchen...you know how Greek poeple can get...haha....love and thoughts forever... |
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| Good News yet, Broken still... |
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| 10:38am 19/09/2003 |
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mood:  determined music: The Thoughts In My Head...
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Guess who I'm sitting right next to right now? Yep, Melinda....she cut herself...WAY worse than mine...i got 5 stitches...she got like, 30...but I suppose I'm happy she's here...but I don't want Saul to be angry with me...I love him...she realized her mistake and I forgive her, but it's not the same...
Yea, so I might be going into a group home...I'm praying in hayward (cross your fiingers guys) so I can Be with my Kat and Saul...I miss them ssoooooo much...It's hard to speak...but my mom might be getting out soon...I talk to her P.O and she said she's gonna let her out JUST for me...because I need her...my stomach is killing me...I think I should eat...but yes...I'm relieved and I'm gonna pray that everything falls in place.... |
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| End up Just Like Everyone else... |
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| 10:03am 18/09/2003 |
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mood: pessimistic music: No Home by Coal Chamber
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I guess I'm supposed to be going home today...I'm not really excited...
I don't get to hang out with any of my friends and I still havent spoken to my mom's P.O...
I guess she called me when I was in group, but the fuckin' staff didn't let me talk to her...
Only bad things are going through my head right now...like, what if my mom has to go to prison for years...
or life? Where the fuck would I be then...again, no hope...no home...no heart...I feel like I have been asking for a long time to know what thoughts go through Saul's head...
dark and shadowed...but now I know the pain and suffering that goes with it...But, I wish I didn't....
I want to be little innocent Rayna...naive, and simple...but where do I go from here?
I have no place to call home anymore, except, my mommy's arms, and in the hearts of those I love...
Katy, Saul...I miss Rosie, but there is no hope, again...I feel like I killed something that could have been great...but I always fuck things up...I have to learn to stop being so damn selfish!
I don't think I deserve to have fun anymore...I make people cry and I break people's hearts...just typical
"Ray" shit...My mom used to try to explain the consequences of "Me always thinking about what I want"
But I never got it...because I'm hella hard headed...I don't accept critisism...
When I have a better life, I will look back onthis whole situation, and cry...I guess you never really do know what you have, until it's gone...but I always learn things the hard way...
So I guess I'm just gonna end up like everyone else... |
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| Pain Always Hurts... |
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| 11:18am 16/09/2003 |
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mood: crushed music: "Hate Me" by The Distillers
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Again, I am hurt...again I cant find a reason to live...Again i have to weigh out my entire existence...Life always throws me curve balls, just when I'm getting the hang of it...My mom is gone, again...this time I cant even find hope...I talked to Saul and he talked to Katy...She was crying...and I cried...No matter what I do I always hurt people in the process...especially the ones I love...I feel stupid...stiches and blood...no way out....
Always, I always get hurt...but coping takes time...Mindy called me...big surprise!!! I cant believe the gall of her! She has nerve, and I chose her over the feelings of my best friend! Never again will that happen...I have to evaluate my priorities...then get help!!! I love you, Katy...I miss you more than I miss the freedom of the outside world...I will come to you, please, Wait for me... |
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| Why Does Pain Hurt? |
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| 12:44am 12/09/2003 |
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mood:  enraged music: "Hurt" by NIN
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I cant believe it!
"I dont wanna relationship!"
How many fucking times have I heard that?
I hear it so much that I keep forgetting that it happens,
Every fucking time!!!!
God! I seem to set myself up for this shit!
Then I turn around and whine about it!
Hate, no...
Pity, no...
Pain, yes...
In massive amounts...
What the fuck ever...I hate it, but then again,
I asked for it.
I saw "Danny" today
I love the D-boy
he takes good care of me
But yes...please feel no pity, i sit alone again...
Just as it ends up always... |
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| Somewhere I Belong |
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| 02:17pm 10/09/2003 |
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mood: drunk music: "Time on my Hands" by Billie Holiday
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i had quite an eventful week...i got to "have fun" with a couple of guys...im going to a show soon...but im not quite familiar with things here...far from everyone, no turning back....i spoke with an old fling of mine...oh how i missed him... he seems much more relaxed now....no more cranking out for him...yes...hmmm i feel very relaxed, it is very bleak here, no sunshine. Just the way i like it. A friend of mine who i spoke with was oddly contemplating suicide and he asked for my help! MY HELP!!!! I could barely help myself in that aspect but i seemed to tell him what he wanted to hear. I'm glad, i really care for him...Some one very dear to me told me never to throw the word love around...it can get you hurt. I know all about that! so now i find myself, instead of telling people how i love them, telling them how much i care about them and how much they mean to me....Love is a very complicated subject, it really is...(I find myself thinking a lot when i am in the state im in) The males here, wow! i seem to keep staring...i dont know why! I watched a movie last night, called "Goth" it was about this psycho ass broad who is trying to show some poseurs what being a Goth is....bullshit....Goth is all about the fucking music...not about killing people and snorting "White Light" i cant wait to go to the show....i feel so alive right now! i want to drive! yea, thats it! I'll go drive, just to nowhere! i love driving there....good bye all of my fans! |
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| Something's gotta change again, im losing my inspiration's gone..." |
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| 05:28pm 02/09/2003 |
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mood: peaceful music: "The Girl" by Tim McGraw
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its all gonna be over soon
i feel it
with every inch of me
i sense closure
somehow my life begins here
here, where it should have began all along...i love you, mami
you and i will be together...
TILL DEATH DO US PART...
(Such a glance, the softest of skin, wax dripping so paper thin...) |
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| "Its better to burn out, than to fade away..." Kurt Cobain |
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| 01:14pm 26/08/2003 |
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mood: relieved music: "Sweet Dreams" covered by Manson
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Its insane
Through all of this pain
And all the bloodstain
Keeps me awake...
These thoughts in my head
I wish i were dead
I could be somewhere instead
Just lying with her...
That's fucking it!
I'm sick of this shit
So i take another hit
As i fall to the floor...
This isn't healthy
And whenever I fell, she
Would just lie there with me
Until i fell asleep...
And when it's all over
And i awake sober
My mind will think slower
And soon i cant speak...
The truth has been spoken
And my heart has been broken
So i'll leave you this token,
My limp body on the floor...
As my eyes keep on staring
The expression i'm wearing
The point when you stopped caring
Has brought us here...
Just always remember
That early September
One last dying ember
Was drenched in cold blood...
I hope you regress
Through all of the stress
You wanted to test
This Brown Eyed Mess... |
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