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Tuesday, May 11th, 2004

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    its scary when you have no one and no where to turn to.
    its scary when you know you'll be rejected any way you turn.

    sometimes its hard knowing you're trapped between a rock and a hard place.
    where do you go when you are broken and have no consolation?
    masks. everyone has them. you have them. i have them. people use them all the time. some people more than others. oftentimes i've told people that i'm the best actress they'll ever meet. they think i am kidding, but alas i am not. i wear masks. all the time. only seldomly to i truly open myself to someone. opening yourself means increasing your level of vulnerability. vulnerability means you will get hurt. its inevitable. i have taken all my masks off before. bared my sould to a person or persons. each time, i was rejected. people love the bubbly vivacious mask i put on every day. they dont like the brooding contemplative girl i really am. as much as this realization hurts me, i know its true. critics would say that i should be myself all of the time, and not try to change myself for others. is this really possible? everyone ends up altering themselves one way or another in an effort of conformity. even those goths who claim they are against conforming conform to the stereotypical gothic way of dressing. the archetype so to speak.anyways... i dont know where this is going, and i need to have a very very very important conversation with my brother. if you heard about the party that took place when my parents were out of town, you know what happened, and the confrontation comes tonight. i tried confronting my parents about it, twice actually, but they never listen. its sad actually...

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