[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, November 14th, 2007|
so it's been a while since i've sat here and sorted out my thoughts. shannon and i have been talking more and working toward organizing our future. i think he's made up his mind not to extend here. he is under the impression that his warrant officer packet wont be finished by the time we leave, so he's been exploring other options. he researched some training nco opportunities at fort benning, fort stewart, and fort gordon. these jobs are non-deployable and last at least a year. i could also try to get one of these jobs, though i would much rather have a civilian job on/off post. however, i think i might end up getting a training job so that my health insurance, etc. is covered still. i think i also still get bah and all that crap. as a specialist, i dont make a whole ton of money, but pretty much anything's better than nothing right now.
i'm feeling pretty good about this right now. today is two months together, and we're stronger than ever. we made an agreement last night to try and not sweat the small stuff anymore, because in the future, we'll have bigger problems than bad breath and ugly pictures (haha). i have so much faith in God that he will continue to bless our relationship with happiness.
|Saturday, October 20th, 2007|
what an ominous word. i have so many thoughts about my future running through my head. i want so many things, and i have this penetrating feeling of despair and a sub-conscious realization that i will probably accomplish few or little of said things.
i guess the thing that i want most to work out is my relationship with shannon. we come from two completely different backgrounds. i'm 20, a weekend warrior, circuit city customer service associate, and a college student. he's 28, divorced, father of a 4 year old son, and he's going back to active duty. we have a great (though very co-dependant) relationship. we're even fine when we're away from each other for extended periods of time, so long as we both put forth the effort to stay in contact while we're separated. there are so many things i love about him. he is absolutely amazing.
i've already pretty much made up my mind that i wont be returning to school next year. that's fine. i dont have enough money or patience. plus, thanks to some really sweet friends, i dont have anywhere to live. whatever. since i wont/dont really have any ties connecting me to any given place, shannon and i have given much consideration into moving in together when his permanent duty station is established. here are some thoughts on that.
he wants to get stationed somewhere like ft. campbell, ky. that's exciting, because i love the countryside. but really, it's pretty isolated out there and it'll be a really, really big change from what i'm used to. not only that, moving to a new place will be different for me than it will be for shannon. shannon will have the house, he will have a steady job, and he'll have the opportunity to go out and make new friends through networking on base. i, however, will be living in his house, will have to find a job (which will probably be crappy), and i wont have the same amount of opportunities to go meet people. i could try meeting people through his work, but it'll be weird associating with the military wives, while i, myself, am not one. (hopefully, sometime in the future we can change that.) i dont know. i'm afraid of ending up like johnny cash's first wife in "walk the line" when johnny goes out and does a bunch of stuff and leave his wife all alone. except i wont have kids and i wont be his wife. i will, however, have a dog! yay.
yeah, i dont know. i just have so much running through my head.
mtf. Current Mood: contemplativeCurrent Music: "between the river and me" tim mcgraw
|Wednesday, September 5th, 2007|
hello, non-exsistent readers!
i have been MIA from my blurty for quite sometime, pretty much something like two years or something ridiculous like that. i kind of decided on a journal revival just to track my progress here and to give me something to do while i work everyday to surpress my boredom.
i hardly know what to write or whee to begin. i'm sitting in my work tent right now, typing at my computer while staring at myself in a small mirror. a previous self would not even recognize me now. shoulder-length black/brown highlighted hair pulled back into a loose ponytail with long sideswept bangs. somewhat metallic pink lip gloss and black eye liner adds a little rock-n-roll edge to my mundane uniform requirements. pencil thin eyebrows. clear even skin tone accented with a splash of scatteed moles. i've taken off my acu blouse and my arms are surprisingly more tan than my face. pretty disappointing. my new tattoo looks pretty decent on the outside of my right bicep. it wraps around the top part of my arm and reads "in deo speramus" or "in god we trust/hope" in latin. my bubble tape gum in "awesome original" has gone bad in my mouth. sublime's "date rape" plays around me. i love that song.
i miss home. i'm so bored. i've typed so much here, erased it, and typed more in a vicious cycle for the pat three or four hours. i have nothing to say to the world.
i miss and love my friends.
|Saturday, June 11th, 2005|
yeah i'm fucked up right now. not in the way i want to be. not in the way i have been for the past week or so. the whole week was a crazy blur. i remember hitting the beach, the boardwalk, the admiral pool, and various other places. i remember sleeping at the place i rented only 3 times out of the 7 nights i was there. i remember getting pretty shit-faced (or close to it) almost every night, with the exception of two. the last three and a half days consisted of waking up at 11, eating, going to the beach/pool, starting the party at 4, playing strip poker/walking on the beach and boardwalk/streaking, then passing out around 7:30 the next morning. twas joyous until last night.
last night things got out of control. my friend justin was arrested, six people were evicted, brandon got sick.... and a BAD thing happened. i guess i wont go into details. but it fucked my head up really really bad. i stayed at the party (it was on 24th street for the last 3 nights in rooms 312, 412, and 103) for a couple more hours... two watching brandon puke and holding his head up (his girlfriend ditched as did all 5 of his room mates), then i went upstairs and visited 312, which harbored a mellowed out group which included people that had been there, people who got evicted from 412, and a shit load of other random-ass people. i couldnt stand it and left.
after the shit that happened last night, i feel like i lost all of my self-respect, though i know it wasnt completely my fault. i walked the 8 blocks home in silence. i came back to my room to find my room mates missing. i called them and apparently they stayed with some PA friends of ours on 8th street. just my luck. i cried for 2 whole hours. i needed to talk, but i didnt know who i could call at 3 in the morning. i couldnt do anything but cry. after that i stared at my ceiling for a while, seriously considering just leaving and wandering around... catching a bus out of town. i flipped my cell phone open then closed it again. over and over and over again. i almostg called sean 902834508543 times. i wanted to so badly. i guess i thought about it, and he's the only person that was ever really there when i needed him. my best friend, my crutch. i didnt though, which now that i think about it was good, because though my life is fucked up as shit, i really didnt want to ruin his. i actually saw him when i walked on the board walk with ash and po one day, and my heart dropped. it kills me still i guess.
but yeah. i got fucked up so badly last night. i think i'm gonna lay off drinking for a while. people are bad, and i am stupid. so fucking stupid. until next weekend when the partay is at my pad. this time ill have THE MAN to look out for me. THE MAN being my big brother. god.
if anyone reads this, which i doubt anyone will... PLEASE give me a call on my cell phone tonight, because i cant get my mind off last night. i was -and still am- desperate to vent. thanks guys, i love you all. you're the reason for my existence.
Current Music: bring me to life- evanecense
|Sunday, May 16th, 2004|
oh yea. i 've done it again. actually for a first time, but i've done it nonetheless. i have become the Spring IAAM Pole Vaulting Championship Gold Medalist of 2004. i ponder to myself... could i ROCK even more? maybe.. maybe. so i and the young one went to the mall in search of a birthday present for chris who turns 19 on the 19th. he's back from william and mary as he's finished his freshman year there, so we will have a little 'za party for him on wednesday. tomorrow is sports awards at the dumb little mount.
i went to the o's game yesterday for st joe night. i only saw 6 st joe guys that i knew, and two of them came with me. bummer. during the last inning and a half the wind really picked up and started blowing bundles of trash onto the field. one of the funniest things i have ever seen was watching an angel's outfielder attempt to catch a fly ball going to left field, but catching a chicken bucket instead and having the ball drop about 5 ft to the left of him. priceless. anywho, that was fun because i didnt have to pay for anything.
so yea the cicadas are out. they buzz. they fly. they annoy the shit out of me.
so i have $23 in my life savings account. im not a big spender. really im not. i work my ass off paying for everything i own. i pay for all of my food, clothes, entertainment, and more. this summer, i have a 35 cent raise, to bring my pay up to $6 an hour. that's ass. i wonder how im going to pay for college. my goal is to have minimal student loans taken out, as you always hear the horror stories about how people get stuck in debt because of them after college. i kind of want to go to James Madison, which is about $20,000. that's a hell of a lot. there's scholarships, i know. only too bad im jsut barely in the mid-50 range of their student body, i wouldnt bea particularly shining student. this frustrates me. a lot. but according to some SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING people *cough,Sean, cough* its not a present day concern so i shouldnt worry about it. i, however, am scared shitless and am in panic mode a year and a half too early.
|Tuesday, May 11th, 2004|
masks. everyone has them. you have them. i have them. people use them all the time. some people more than others. oftentimes i've told people that i'm the best actress they'll ever meet. they think i am kidding, but alas i am not. i wear masks. all the time. only seldomly to i truly open myself to someone. opening yourself means increasing your level of vulnerability. vulnerability means you will get hurt. its inevitable. i have taken all my masks off before. bared my sould to a person or persons. each time, i was rejected. people love the bubbly vivacious mask i put on every day. they dont like the brooding contemplative girl i really am. as much as this realization hurts me, i know its true. critics would say that i should be myself all of the time, and not try to change myself for others. is this really possible? everyone ends up altering themselves one way or another in an effort of conformity. even those goths who claim they are against conforming conform to the stereotypical gothic way of dressing. the archetype so to speak.anyways... i dont know where this is going, and i need to have a very very very important conversation with my brother. if you heard about the party that took place when my parents were out of town, you know what happened, and the confrontation comes tonight. i tried confronting my parents about it, twice actually, but they never listen. its sad actually...
its scary when you have no one and no where to turn to.
its scary when you know you'll be rejected any way you turn.
sometimes its hard knowing you're trapped between a rock and a hard place.
where do you go when you are broken and have no consolation?
|Monday, May 3rd, 2004|
|my god... or lack of one
- a belief that there is no god
so first period today sucked. in ap psych, i just so happened to be bitched out by a loud irritating OLV girl whose name shall be withheld for my own personal safety. needless to say, i CAN'T STAND
her. so anyways, we are talking about the way that religious beliefs can alter one's situational views and personal ideals, and someone asked me what religion i was. i said that i was atheist and i don't believe in god. personally, no offense intended to my friends of other religious beliefs, i believe that god was simply created by man, because man is weak and could not deal with his own problems, and therefore mentally created a "spiritual" being onto which he could in turn displace his fears, insecurities, sins, and troubles. well the other girls in my class were apalled by my atheism and mocked me ruthlessly. they then found it necessary to attempt to convert me, which was a complete waste of their own time. personally, i feel that if i dont tryp to impress my religious beliefs into the minds of others, they should pay me the same respect. but hey that's just me. end.
oh what a weekend
birthday of caitlin ryan and katherine reis.
day of hell.
follow the monotonous routine of waking up, eating the standard sunday donut from weis: apple with vanilla frosting and cinnamon sugar on top. eat cereal. watch a half an hour of tv. skip work i should have gone to do. talk to sean. get of the phone hopeful, or so it seems, though quite possibly not. i dont have any control over my emotions anymore. i dont even know i how i feel. work on saint project. eat lunch. go to sleep. wake up when doorbell rings. talk with neighbor and new fosterchild amanda, who i like instantaneously. continue conversation for an hour. miss sean's two calls. call him back but its too late; he's at the play. work on saint project. pay little sister to aid my efforts. help little sister study for tests/quizzes. paint nails hot pink. eat dinner. help little sister study. call sean. hang out with sister. prank call sean. prank call sean. prank call sean. prank call sean. call sean - 11 more times. he should have been home. go to the computer and converse with rudy. receive a call from partying sean, who is currently raving at jake's. super. hang up somewhat angrily. keep iming rudy. lose two games of pool, and win two. go upstairs. call rudy. converse for an hour-ish. talk to sean. break up. talk to sean. get back together. hang up. hard thinking. sleep.
sadly, this has been my routine for a while. a month and a half. break up. get back together. sometimes i wonder if the relationship is worth the heartache that it causes for sean and i. he hurts. i hurt. we both hurt. it might be that we have outgrown each other's company in the past months. im torn because i feel that i can't sit back and do nothing. i've tried improving. i've tried, i honestly have. at times i've also given up. sometimes ther's nothing more to do. i can honestly say, fully certain of myself and feelings, that i do truly love sean with all of my heart. i am certain he feels the same about me. i am positive. why then, do we fight constantly? there lies the confusion. not one to be easily perplexed, this certainly poses quite a dilemma. most times when we were together we were ok. sure we'd have occaisional fights during the weekdays, but i think that was stress caused by the fact that we were basically unable to see each other. now we have started to see each other more often, but one of us always ends up snapping and the other gets upset. it is seemingly and endless cycle of monotonous drama that does nothing to benefit either party. its awful. i cant stand being the cause of this insanity half the time. im tired of hurting sean and being hurt. but i do love him. i know that breaking up will hurt him a million times more than the fights will. but now the constant arguments are starting to disintegrate our relationship. more recently, we haven't even been happy when we were with each other, prom and saturday for example. i know sean is tired of the fighting too. we both are. its riduclous, and in a strong relationship this wouldn't happen. i dont know what to do anymore, and not knowing is killing me. i know that sooner or later, if this continues, i will break. sean is stronger than i am, but i have so many personal problems, that i will not tolerate my relationship adding stress to my life. i acknowledge that everyone has problems, but surely some are worse than others. lord i wish there was something i could do to relieve the pain that i feel inside. i know i've somewhat opened myself through this journal today, but i still feel trapped, as if i have no real emotional outlet. i an so tired and emotionally drained. aid me someone. give me the strength and courage to carry on.