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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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12:43p - So drain out my lungs. Before the fluid brings a choke. I cannot inhale the sparkle of your voice.
Can you see the signs?
Can you sense the changing of the winds?
Can you sense the stillness in the air?
Calm will remain, oh so shortly
Tomorrow me and emily are going to putnam after school. to buy the tickets for pinocchio from jennifer. we had a journal thing in waibel's class about religion. and i felt kinda stupid cause i dont know jack shit about my religion. i'm lutheran and i havent gone to that church since i was a very little kid. like.. 4th grade maybe. the last church i went to was emily's cause she hated it so i was there. i remember when we slowly took the belt off of a chick's jacket while she was sitting in front of us. then i took it. that was funny. cause emily and i stayed after cause emily wanted to ask, or more state to, the dude that since you can be forgiven by god for everything then a priest could rape boys and as long as he asked to be forgiven then he would go to heaven. and before emily talked to the guy about that the girl was freaking out asking if the guy had seen her belt. and i had it in my pocket. but emily soon told her parents that she was athiest and they got angry and she didnt go to church anymore. but i cant blame her for not believing anything cause her parents kinda forced it on her when she was little. she went to a catholic school. and went to church a lot. and.. one of the nuns said that her pets wouldnt go to heaven when they die. i think that's what triggered it.
When the teachers walk by and im writing in my journal they think i'm doing some kind of typing work. heh. i really need to get my ass into gear. i'm failing waibel's cause i didnt do the papers. well. i did the persuasive one. but he lost it and i had already deleted it. so that sucked bad. i would be passing if he had it. pshh. i constantly play spider solitaire and now freecell. bad habits. bobby, emily's older brother, might go to the ccc program in new urban next semester. but emily's mom doesnt want him to cause she thinks that he's trying to just find an easy way to pass. he'll be gone next year. and that'll be weird. but his room's gonna be turned into a 'party room?'. iono. the fun room. it'll be cool.
I just found out that i have to get a note from ms. fritz saying that i'm passing all my classes to be able to go to the yearbook meeting. and im not passing waibel's. so i have to write the story within the next hour. god damnit.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: "The Shooting Star That Destroyed Us" by A Static Lullaby (comment on this)
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6:07p - The purple background takes the cake.
Today.. is a day that will go down in megan's history. we walked home today. nice scenery, yes. we got food. wendys. but before that. we had a yearbook meeting. oh yes. and uh. me and emily got a job. a.. very nice job. we got to add the grade onto everyone's name. so we saw everyone's school picture. wow. wow. we got to see everyone. there's one very nice picture. mine sucks to hell. very bad. "mine sucks too" - emily. i love that picture. it's my new best friend. he's pretty. i like his picture. its very nice. i will stop now. "it is very nice" - emily. the floating.. torso..
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: "Miss America" by Something Corporate (comment on this)
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9:05p - They finally caught the killer. found the skin beneath her nails.
Squeeze him hard enough and he'll confess
He swore a solemn oath
To never disobey
But then he took our wives and kids away
The vendetta red cd reminds me of way back when. at camp collins and oaks park. maybe i was listening to the cd during that time. iono. aww. now i feel really bad for adam. him and his 'love life'. okay. there's this chick at my school. kourtney. i dont know her. never talked to her before. but she glares at me all the time. what the hell. she's always glared at me though. since the beginning of the year. and now at emily too. maybe she's the type that just.. doesnt like people for stupid ass reasons. dont get me wrong. i dont want to be her friend or anything. frankly, i think she's a complete bitch. but i'm scared of her. she's tall and big. if she ever read this and asked me about it i would pee myself right then and there. but seriously. what the fuck is her problem. i think of her as one of the huge women from futurama. i love that show. that one and family guy. 'what's your fatass doing here'.
Suicide: The Permanent Solution To A Temporary Problem
Ask the 25-year-old who tried to electrocute himself. He lived. But both his arms are gone.
What about jumping? Ask John. He used to be intelligent, with an engaging sense of humor. That was before he leapt from a building. Now, he's brain-damaged and will always need care. He staggers and has seizures. He lives in a fog. But, worst of all, he KNOWS he used to be normal.
What about pills? Ask the 12-year-old with extensive liver damage from an overdose. Have you ever seen anyone die of liver damage? You turn yellow. It's a hard way to go.
What about a gun? Ask the 24-year-old who shot himself in the head. Now he drags one leg, has a useless arm and has no vision or hearing on one side. He lived through his "foolproof" suicide. You might too.
But... Who will clean your blood off the carpet or scrape your brains from the ceiling? Commercial cleaning companies may refuse that job--but SOMEONE has to do it.
Who will have to cut you down from where you hung yourself or identify your bloated body after you've drowned? Your father? Your mother? Your wife? Your son?
The carefully worded "loving" suicide note is of no help. Those who loved you will NEVER completely recover. They'll feel regret and an unending pain.
Suicide is contagious. Look around your family. Look closely at the 4 year old playing with his cars on the rug. Kill yourself tonight, and he may do it ten years from now.
You DO have other choices. There are people who can help you through this crisis. Call a hotline. Call a friend. Call your minister or priest. Call a doctor or hospital. Call the police. They will tell you that there's hope. Maybe you'll find it in the mail tomorrow. Or in a phone call this weekend. But what you're seeking could be just a minute, a month, or a day away.
You say you don't want to be stopped? Still want to do it? -Well, then, I may see you in the psychiatric ward later. And we'll work with whatever you have left.
Remember: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
IF YOU’RE READING THIS, PLEASE STEAL IT AND PUT IT IN YOUR JOURNAL, TOO
Faith exposes us
(Ashamed of who we are)
When they're cursing your name you'll be falling apart
current mood: jubilant
current music: "Suicide Party" by Vendetta Red (comment on this)
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