Jessi Leigh's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Jessi Leigh

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some certain people [25 Sep 2003|03:24pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | THE BIG FAN!!! (by the fan) ]

are driving my crazy. he is like giving me two different signals! grr at guys and their stupid mixed signals. coughahemrahemcoughahemruthknowsacough..
just so its not obvious.
Unless you know..then you know.
And thats the end of the show.. tonight 4-c and then THE SEASON PREMIERE OF ER!!! DUN DUN DUN

[(4)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

rants and raves [23 Sep 2003|03:34pm]
[ mood | numb ]

So yeah - sitting here at school not doing a damn thing..Talking to Rey about other peoples problems..well..about how they occured anyway..I talk too much haha...and I know way to much but oh well. It's cool Don't type fast..Why I have no idea...Greg's idea..
As for whats been up with me lately not a lot..trying to help a bunch of people out and unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working but I guess there is only so much that I can do and if its not enough ...well I'm sorry.
I've been sorry for a bunch of things lately..and silently hoping for other things to happen just so a lot of people can be happy....
This makes no sense so maybe I should just write as I write..
The sun is shining in some other land but not here at home, the darkness is closing in and I'm trying to see inside. Inside your motives and evil mind where I can't seem to find the answers to what you've been asking.
Memorizing your selfless lies and trying once again to stare them down in every oppurtunity so I recognize them in the future. One to many things have gone wrong and you are the basis of them all..At another time in another place I will hope to find you, to chide you, to tell you that you're wrong but even then I know I couldn't, because I'd still be in love with you then. I hate that we cannot be and I hate all this will live in me, like some kind of immoral being.
Don't know..just wrote all that..but this is to a special friend in Arizona:
It's funny how many times I look around to see if you are there..or how many time I check to see if I have that goodbye email that you never sent...or how many times I want to ask Liz if she has heard from you...It's funny because after all this time I still don't realize that you are gone. You are no longer here to longer a part of what I am. Just as quickly as you came to me, you are once again gone. I never met you and I cry now because I know I never will. Things are over and I should move on, but from you I don't think I can. I look for you everywhere I go..hoping for some reason that you will come back here..that for some reason I will make a difference in what you've feared. I want so badly to know that you are holding on to me, hanging on to me..not ever letting me go...but the disappointment I feel everyday is real..and I should move on..
But I won't. I can't stop loving you..Even though it wasn't a real based on so many things, I still love you so much and in so many ways. I was in love with are the one that I can truly say I loved..Maybe I'm crazy..but its all because of you. You made me crazy..and I'm still crazy and in love.
Now I've just gone crazy and lost the love that I wish I could find again...I know you said it'd be better for you to be out of our lives, but this is something I can't handle. Please come back Lucas. Please....
I know he won't ever read this..or if he does he will never say anything so its useless, but at least it means something less for me to carry around for a day.
As for the REAL situations that I can REALLY obtain..he's taken, again..even though its not really what one would call "fatal attraction" lol right Jamie?
Anyway...Thats how that goes...I've written to much as it is and my gum tastes hah..later.
(hey shannon..)

[(1)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

Stupidity [11 Sep 2003|11:52am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Nothing more than stupidity, nothing less than the way things go, it's another average day, where fifteen make it to me in advance. I hate knowing that you're going to tell me something I don't want to hear, and I hate knowing that no one can make it right. It doesn't matter how much I try, how much I am myself, or how many times I try to apply the rules of teenage years to my life.
Just that single lie from you has broken my heart, and just the fact that I thought that I could trust you makes me crazy.

[(1)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

so crazy [30 Aug 2003|11:28pm]
Yea, that's what me and Saleh have figured out...everyone is crazy, but we are the craziest..even though we never make sense. but ah well. good times. especially light switches.
anyhoo, i'm a chickenshit and its showing..but i think ill go call him now. maybe.
I dunno
I'm out.
oooh, and if someone pllllllleassssse wants to do a layout for me that isn't so happy and perky i'd love it..
preferably like black background with this image *click to see* on far right, centered in the page, with text boxes extreme left..
white and baby blues.. yea.

cuz this looks gay and perky :) Ya!
[(3)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

Some writing... [19 Aug 2003|07:49pm]
[ mood | restless ]

This is where I begin and where I end, the end is near, and so are you. I can hear you breathe and I can sense your presense. You're hiding in the deep darkness that covers all the memories that I wish I could forget. But no - you won't let that happen. That'd be to easy and that would be one less heart you could break. It's not that I want to live like this, I just do. Things go wrong, and I blame it all on you. Who you are I don't know who you are. I do know that you live somewhere in my blood, feeding off my weakness and I can feel it making you stronger as I shrink back inside myself.

Desperation rings in my ears as the wind howls during the storms that keep me awake night yet somehow it lulls you to sleep. And for one brief instant at 5 in the morning when nothing really matters, I feel free. Free from you, free from the world, and free from myself. Nothing is wrong and I'm smiling. It's one of those fleeting instances though, because any happiness in me shakes you out of the deepest slumber and just as fast it was there, it vanishes. The smile fades back to the usual grimace and the light heartedness fades back to its usual miserable weight.

I can't regret what I've done, but I can regret what I haven't. I've never loved and sometimes I wish that I could be numb to all emotion, lead my life devoid of emotion or passion for anything. I sit up late and wonder if it would really make any difference at all. I wonder if I wouldn't be sitting up like this all the time. If I could fall asleep easier and just be content with what is and what isn't. I wish that I could see in black and white, with no gray area in the middle. Like back in elementary, when your biggest problem was finding someone to walk down the hall to the bathrooms with you in class. Something was either right or wrong, fun or not fun, dangerous or completely safe. The only thing in my life that reminds me of that time are the crayon colored pictures and the school pictures. At one time I wished that I could erase all those memories, because I was just such a child. Now I want to relive them again and again, simply because I was just a child.

[(1)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

tears floating down my cheeks [18 Aug 2003|10:01pm]
hey baby girl. i miss you. i hope that your doing okay. i'm sorry about jayce...kinda...i've heard lots about him from liz. yes it's sad he died...but yah...
sorry i haven't talked to you in forever...i've jsut been so busy with working and all. I got to see Jarrod. He spent his whole spring break with me. It was so great to see him...But i will be online more soon. I'm getting more and more time off.
I love you.
yours always, I wish this was still holding true, I miss you more everyday.

This is all I have to say. April..was the last time I talked to him...and it will be the last. If for any reason you are still keeping tabs on me..please just let me know, somehow. I miss you, god I miss you.
[(4)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

I hate HTML [15 Aug 2003|02:56pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Wow, ok, I've been attempting to redo my diary since last night, it's not working. I get some of it, but it doesn't work...
anyway, i gotta get ready for the gameth tonight, and know, find clothes. yea.
so..ill try to figure it out later.

[(1)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

On the subject of salutations [10 Aug 2003|09:54pm]
[ mood | numb ]
[ music | tear drops ]

Of all the things that I hate knowing I never got to say to you...
It's hello, it's goodbye, its I Love you too,
It's good mornin, its good night, it's see you later baby,
it's okay, its alright, we'll make all seem better
I hate that most of all, I never got to say goodbye to you...
But more than that, I hate that I never got to say hello.

I know I'm not supposed to hold on to you anymore but what about the goodbyes I never got, and the I love you I never heard not even once.
Lucas. I miss you. Come back just once. At least give me that....
you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are'll never know dear, how much i love you...please don't take my sunshine away....

[(2)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

[08 Aug 2003|04:07pm]
[ mood | miserable ]
[ music | the raindrops ]

I hate knowing that I can't like who I do. And even worse I hate knowing that now he likes me too. I hate knowing that this summer has been one of the worst times in my life. I hate knowing that I am going to be stuck inside their little protective shell for the rest of my life. I hate knowing that its a 50/50 chance of me getting that little paper signed saying that I can go off for lunch. I hate knowing all this, and I hate being away from the people that really matter. I hate how its changed. I hate a lot of things..but most of all I hate how I hate them. I wish I could be optimistic, but after these last few months, I just don't know.
I really don't.

[(1)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

quotes [28 Jul 2003|10:43pm]
Life is not about who you love and who you hurt, it's about keeping your trust, it's about what you say and what you mean, it's about judgments you pass and why, it's about jealousy, fear, and revenge, but mostly of all it's about using your life to touch or poison other peoples hearts in a way that could have never have occurred alone." -Unknown

..You know, even as Impossible As it may seem.. A broken heart continues to Beat

You live and you breathe and then you die. In between, if you’re lucky, you fall in love. Some loves stay forever; others are lost in only a day. But its still there underneath all the hurt, pride and years. If its true love, it’s never forgotten. So when someone says they’re in love, don't tell them they can't be. Don't say they’re too young, or it’s too soon. Love knows no age or length of time. Love is a feeling, deep in your heart, that squeezes you tight and you never want to let it go.

These are some of my most favorite quotes. They were in my old diary, but I want them here as well.
[(6)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

shitty mcshit shit that I wrote [26 Jul 2003|02:58am]
I guess I never really knew until this day exactly what it meant. I never really knew, because I never knew the pain that always came with the happiness. I wonder why fate decided to show itself right now, in this beautiful time. I just want to know why we can never get as close as that again. Why did things have to change…? Why did we? Couldn’t we have had those days forever if we tried?

Have you ever cried, like me, because we couldn’t go back to those happy memories? Have you ever tried to think back, but couldn’t get past the locked door…? Have you ever lied to yourself thinking that we could go back…go back to yesterday…back to the new year, back to the old years, back to the time when we were happy, aren’t you scared of what’s to come?

What I’m trying to say, in case it hasn’t become clear quite yet is that I wanna go back, have it all there again, and I know that I wasn’t happy then, but you all were, and that was good enough for me. I just want to try. I just want to have us all back where we were smiling and there wasn’t an unhappy ending anywhere, we just went with it. You know the times where we didn’t care, we just were.

We just were us and that was good enough, good enough for us. We could smile, we could laugh, we could cry, and at the end of the night, we’d fall asleep together, and dream of tomorrow…Cuz we were alright, we were okay..we were together and that’s all we needed to get on with our lives, face the lives we led…and get on with our lives, side by side…we could get there if we tried, we knew, cuz we had eachother…we had it all…

We had it all…back in that old time…back at the new year, back when were all miserable, but we were all okay and we were alright…

Now whats changed in those memories..I don’t know. Now whats changed in all of us, I can’t tell. I know that each and every night your in my dreamless sky. You are the faces surrounded by stars. You are the names, flashing in lights all around. You are my angels you are my heros, you are the action packed comedy movies I see in my dreams. You are the people that make me laugh til I can’t see but here we go…you know how we are..

We’re all alone….We’re all lone…
We’ve changed and we’re different than we were back then…and I don’t know about you…but I know that I want it back, I want it all back. I want you I want me I want him I want her I want us all to come back and see what we’re missing… we can’t go on like this forever…We can’t say I miss you and leave and never say goodbye, never say I love you one more time, never hold eachother again while we cry…never make you laugh so hard you can’t see straight, so loud you can feel the earth quake we can’t go on like this forever, it’ll make us go crazy.

Crazier than all those nights together, laughing and talking, and seeing and smiling..all those nights we just set together and we were alright…..crazy friends alone at night..who knows where that goes? I know where we are, I know were we can go but who knows…I don’t know anymore but I know I’m afraid..
I’m afraid of the changes that I haven’t made I’m afraid the things that will go unsaid, I’m afraid you’ll never know…exactly what those nights meant..and you’ll never know how much I loved them..or how much I love you still…
Or how much..I miss you now.
if you don't know who this is directed to, DUMB.
until next time.
[(1)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

[23 Jul 2003|08:24pm]
It's funny...I was told today that finding a boyfriend wasn't that hard...
I must be an idiot then, especially since I've been single for way too long. Not to mention that because my parents are complete racists...(i am a little as well, but only to certain people aka "niggers" and "wiggers" and "trailer park trash rednecks"[not to be confused with decent black/white/tralierish..people?]). Anyway ..yea. I don't even feel like I should persue anything with this person. Which sucks ass because I'm really attracted to him. Not to mention he's much older. Woops. Why do I always have to be attracted to off limit guys?

Someone find me a good one, or I'm going to be one of those scary old ladies with 50 cats in a big house, with a hoverround that gets impounded (lol).
I love you guys.
And Liz, I'm sorry, but I still think we need to talk things out, because I still feel like that was total craziness.
[(3)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

Hold on, we'll see. [05 Jul 2003|11:22pm]
[ mood | rejected ]
[ music | Have you ever -Brandi ]

I don't know where I'm going and I'm tired of being wrong. I know that things are messed up and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like I've failed you. Can't we both just be happy? Or should I go away so you can be truly first..and not worry about the second best. I know I love you, you're my future, you're my shield, you're my freedom. You're the spark in my smile, the light in my laugh. You make it all okay, I want to cry and have your tears mingle with mine, that way we are both happier at least for the moment....
But I'm also wondering about this..cuz I don't want this to come between us..but I don't think you have any idea...who knows maybe itll make it better..but if it makes it worse, it wont happen. you mean to much to me for that.....

you could say, i feel like a butterless roll with out you, but that'd bring back a few too many good memories, and not to mention its cliche. But who cares, i love those moments i cherish.

(not completely true, but smiling...feels good. and i smiled a lot today.)

[(7)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

Disappointing, really.. [23 Jun 2003|12:23pm]
So things haven't been in tip top shape lately, but oh well. I feel a little bit better! (Thanks Troll, I love ya.) I've got a kind of busy work schedule this week, so eh. It's kind of weird, I always have this like lurch in my stomach when I know I have to go to work, like I'm going to screw up terribly. Maybe its the drawer or something ... I'm determined to get even. On Tuesday - I'm going to make it even. *nods* Yesterday was kind of funny though, besides the whole getting up insanely early. I dumped about 10 boxes on my managers head. Woopsy... It's not my fault though! I've never had to count how many boxes we needed or put them away, Jihad would always do that. Ah well. I'll figure it out or something. Or just get Terri to do it. *nods* That's what I'll do! lol
[(2)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

im cool! [20 Jun 2003|10:33pm]

what kind of junkie are you?
make the sun set for me

The Wrong Way [18 Jun 2003|08:42pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]
[ music | Lonestar - Front Porch Looking In ]

Sometimes you just think that you're headed in the wrong direction so you stop to think about it...and meanwhile oppurtunties slip past. You never know it, but they do and who could really tell you what they might have been?
The world is a cruel and heartless place, and who can save you now? You've abandoned all that really care and all your left with is your own tears that you hadn't shed for years. You could something over in your mind a million and twenty-nine times, but whos to say that it'd be okay after all that time? You'll still be you...unless you change, but who can really do that?
As for me, I'm sure you know that I'm quite myself. I'm odd and different, loud and shy, and I try to hide away all the times I've ever cried. But this is exactly what I don't want..I want you to know and to be there to hold me, to tell me its all ok. I want to feel comforted and not rejected, not some temporary toy. I miss knowing that I can go to you..and missing that you care. I hate that she can make you fall head over heels, and I can't even make you stumble. I've tried and its true and so obvious by now, I'm nothing but a second best and a first place loser, just like they had always said.

So what's new? I'm enjoying most likely, my last day off. Yay. I get a very minimal paycheck for two weeks. HOORAY. (note: sarcasm). Lately...I've just been kind of lost. I don't really like sitting home all day doing nothing but housework for my mom and my sister and somehow..still getting money taken away from me ...*shrugs*. I talked to Rey last acctually talked to him. It was pretty cool..I hadn't ever sat down and had like a real conversation with him, so yea. I found out a bunch about him that I didn't know..and that he sounds a LOT different on the phone. Hah, why is this relevant? (laura, no I'm not boycrazy! hah....yet) Anyway we're trying to make plans to hang out at the Avenues or something. He's gonna have to be like my tour guide, hah! Cuz I've only ever been to the Avenues like 3 or 4 times. It should be interesting. Well, If it happens. Stupid parents and them..being parent like. It's quite annoying.
So yea. I'm kind of anxious to get back to work, just so I have something to do. Hopefully they have me scheduled tomorrow. *pleads*
Oh yea!!!! If you know the song thats talking about a dad giving his car to his son that goes "hold on to her boy with all your might she's got so much to give if you treat her right" Then let me know, I'm looking for that songgggg I <33333 it.
[(4)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

Burial [13 Jun 2003|11:54am]
Well, today my dad went and put Prissy down. You know, my little black dog? Well - she had been getting worse lately, could hardly walk, barked and yelped if anyone touched her, had trouble breathing..Well this morning when my dad got up she had fallen on her side and couldn't get up, she could only move her head, and when he tried to pick her up she yelped and everything..
So my dad took her and got her put down. Thats what we had decided to do. To put her down if she was in pain..And if you can't get up and move, you've got to be in pain. So shes buried in one of the gardens...
[(3)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

Cancelled [10 Jun 2003|01:51pm]
Well, this blows mighty amounts of chunks all over your brand new suit. Erf. I'm not going to Arizona. We cancelled the trip because of my mom being sick, my sister being hurt, and numerous other reasons. I'm just really bummed about it. Anyway..I don't have much else to say....If you want to do something this week, get in touch with me, because I took the 11-18th off from work.
[(2)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

(Optional, for use on longer entries) [08 Jun 2003|06:53pm]
Yea, neat subject huh? Yea. Anyway. So school has been over for a week or two now and so far, all the people I've seen are Beth, Liz, Jaysen, Mike and ....Kimmy and Amber. Yep. That's it. And that was all from Beth's birthday thing. That and when Beth came and ate at Joseph's yesterday! Wee! :) Hopefully you liked everything. :) Tasty Tasty.
Anyhoot. I miss everyone, and I really miss a certain person, and for some reason I keep thinking I got an email from them talking about he was just messing with me and leading me on or something, but I know I didn't. It's really weird. Anyway I think I'm gonna write him an email or something, See what he is up to. :) Yay.
On to other news - I'm leaving for Arizona Wednesday Morning. Going to be there until the 18th. Parents business conference do-hickey. And thinking of Arizona makes me think of Lucas and how he hasn't emailed me like he said he was going to. At one point I had hoped maybe just maybe (heh) I might have been able to meet up with him for a little bit in Arizona. But I guess thats going out the window, along with talking to him ever again. Liz knows what I'm talking about, we both do. I dont understand it, but whatever. I miss him, and yea..not going to get into it.
My coworkers are major dorks. Take Saleh, one of the pizza cooks, and Darryl, one of the other ones. They are always messing with me and are like "you're beautiful *whistles* lol and yesterday Saleh unzipped the POCKET to his pants and kept looking from me to his pocket and I was like..."what...?" And hes like "yea , get in my pants, now!" It was so funny, and I called him a dork, like always. Hope he didn't take that wrong way. Yeeep. ;)
So yar. I'll be missing them when I'm there, but ah well. I should be getting a good paycheck when I come back. At least I better be. I'mma be really mad otherwise.
Why is it that I can't write like I want to? ERF this is making me mad.
Love you guys :)! *waves*
[(3)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

[29 May 2003|06:20pm]
Mmm. Last update was a while ago. *shrugs* Updating a few times a week. I dont' know.
To be honest, I haven't been writing because I have too much too say, and I feel to weak to say it. I am completely afraid of whats going to happen. I kind of talked to Beth about it today...but it just didn't get out. Tomorrow is the last day of school. I am so incredibly lost, I have no idea whats going to happen to me. I hate feeling like that because there isn't a reason to. I mean - yea . I'm loosing a lot of people I care a lot about and something just tells me that I'm growing up and getting out way too fast. Thats definately something I never thought that I would say....
As to what is next I don't know. I just know I'm scared. You know how I never cry at the end of school? I think I will...unless I go like I'm planning too.
Come cry with me and I'll cry with you, let the words drip down our faces, drink it up and say our graces. The places we will go are tasteless, but at least with you I can never say a word.
[(4)] thought that they couldmake the sun set for me

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