| BCUZ...somebody commented I have good news. | ||||
| 09:34am 26/11/2003 | ||||
Andrew got me a ring. It's a gold band and it has two rubies on it that look like <3's and then a row of diamonds. Yup. Therez the good news. Hope you enjoyed it. ~Cherice [Let.Me.Out.] |
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awake| Suicide Poem | ||||
| 09:25am 26/11/2003 | ||||
Tear filled eyes Red and puffy Crying for hours Endouring the pain Reliving the embaressment Engulfed in vunerability Enraged by lack of control Ashamed of mirrored reflections Casting judgement upon self Never accepting The deeper definitions Of self description Covering your eyes To the obvious Obstructions of true beauty Upon tiled floors Drop after drop Crimson liquid pools Draining the essence Taking along the shame Ending the embaressment Shattering mirrored reflections Of a lost soul Vunerable and alone To proud to ask for help To scared to continue on Six feet under In a cold dark grave Lies the truth in reality Dressed in white Adorned with flowers Laying in wait Of an angelic guide ~Cherice [Leave.Me.Alone] |
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depressed| POEMZ | ||||
| 11:28pm 24/11/2003 | ||||
Fallin' from grace an unforgivable face tear my heart apart & I'll tear you limb from limb don't every try it I'm tired of everyones triumph it's my turn to do this tiem for me to succeed so I'll toss you aside before you tire of me I'll raise from my fallin' grace fly up to the highest ranks you never had me as your own but I'm gonna move up all alone *Andrew Poem!* All my life I've tried to die I said to myself no reason to live I'm still alive to this day my life I've not taken at least not yet but fear not I say my life I will not take I've got more reason to live now that I've found you *I want to critiqu Your Insanity* I saw your eyes once. I want to breath into your mouth and steal your words. I want to taste your poetry. I want you to pour yourself all over me. I want to have a romantic pornography. I would like a moral kiss with a side of demon sauce. Is it possible to.... no nevermind. lovely lusty whisper. This is a marvelous floor I am crawling across. My tongue is making its way to disaster. Your thoughts often have the aftertaste of adrenalyne and also the honey rings of saturn. Her wings are so yesterday. or wait... Did I love you yet? |
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| I love these things | ||||
| 09:22pm 24/11/2003 | ||||
(2) Straight/gay/bi?: Um yeahI have a BOYFRIEND, people! (3) Single?: NO!!! 4) want to be?: no!! (5) Your birth day: 6/25 (6) Age you act: oh, about 17... sometimes 5, tho (7) Age you wish you were: 21 (8) Your height: 5'1" (9) The color of your eyes: Gold (10) Happy with it?: sure (11) The color of your hair: currently fading out and i hate it with a passion (12) Happy with it?: if you can read, look right above you (13) Left/right/ambidextrous?: right (14) Your living arrangement?: with parents & Andrew (27) Your family: Andrew and my Cuzin and my Sister...and my best friends Chris and 'Nemo' (29) What's your job: being the sexy bitch i am (30) Piercings?: yea. some where you will never see! *unless youre andrew!!* (31) Tattoos?: not until x-mas (32) Obsessions?: too many to count...fairies, Majick, wicca...look at my profile... (35) Do you speak another language?: french, pig latin, good english, bad english (36) Have a favorite quote?: lots of them (37) Do you have a webpage?: not really DEEP THOUGHTS about life and you in it (38) Do you live in the moment?: NO! I live in 2004 years in the future (39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: sometimes (40) Do you have any secrets?: yes (41) Do you hate yourself?: no...all beacuse of Andrew. I mean really people....if it wernt 4 him i would hate myself with a passion...but he makes me feel sexy so yeeeeeeeeeeah... :) *smile smile* (42) Do you like your handwriting?: yup (43) Do you have any bad habits?: HELL yes (44) What is the compliment you get most from people?: i can dance. I love to dance. Dancing is life. (45) If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: "Cut" (46) What's your biggest fear?: lonlieness (47) Can you sing: everyone can sing, The question is: Can i sing WELL?! (48) Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: no (49) Are you a loner?: no (51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: probably not- i hate myself (52) Are you a daredevil?: YES! (53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: yes (54) Are you passive or aggressive?:depends, usually passive (55) Have you got a ?: HUH? (56) What is your greatest strength and weakness? strength- dance and acting weakness- im over dramatic (57) If you could change one thing about yourself? EVERYthing (58) There are three wells, love, beauty and creativity, which one do you choose?: creativity (59) How do you vent?: cut, have sex. :O (60) Do you think you are emotionally strong?: i used to, byut im not so sure now (61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: yes (62) Do you think life has been good so far?:not really (63) What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: live for the moment (64) What do you like the most about your body?: my eyes (65) And least?: tummy (66) Do you think you are good looking?: no (67) Are you confident?: no (68) What is the fictional character you're most like?: ohhhh i dunno... lets just say...someone from the IWTV 69) Do people know how you feel?: not usually (70) Are you perceived wrongly?: sometimes DO YOU... (71) Smoke?: yea (72) Do drugs?: :i (73) Pray?: not to a Christian God (75) Go to church? no (76) Talk to strangers who IM you?: yeah (77) Sleep with stuffed animals?: mmhm (78) Take walks in the rain?:yeah (79) Talk to people even though you hate them?: no (80) Drive?: no (81) Like to drive fast?: yes HAVE YOU EVER... (82) Liked your voice?: huh? (83) Hurt yourself?: ...yes... (84) Been out of the country?: yes (85) Eaten something that made other people sick?: yes! i once ate a cockroach for 150$. Go me. (86) Burped?: HELL yeah! (87) Been unfaithful?: no (88) Been in love?: I am NOW! (89) Done drugs?: yes (90) Gone skinny dipping?: yes (92) Had a surgery?: yes (93) Ran away from home?: yes (94) Played strip poker?:yes (95) Gotten beaten up?: yes (97) Been picked on?: yes (98) Been on stage?: yes (99) Been so drunk that you know you're supposed to go out on a date with someone, but you can't remember with who or when and that you faint when you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, not to mention your breath?: um.. no? (100) Slept outdoors?: yes (101) Thought about suicide?: ive TRIED IT! (102) Pulled an all-nighter?: yes (103) If yes, what is your record?: like, i dunno, 2 dayz and then i fell asleep with *Andrew* (104) Gone one day without food?: yes (105) Talked on the phone all night?: yes (106) Slept together with the opposite sex without actually having sex?: yes (107) Slept all day? yes (108) Killed someone?: ooooooh yeah, you know me!!! i am a vegitarian, yet i kill someone! c'est moi! (109) Made out with a stranger?: yes (110) Had sex with a stranger?: no (111) Thought you're going crazy?: yes (112) Kissed the same sex?: yes (113) Done anything sexual with the same sex?: ... (114) Been betrayed?: yes (115) Had a dream that came true?: yes- I have andrew (116) Broken the law?: yes (117) Met a famous person?: yes (118) Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: no (146) Stolen anything?: yes (147) Been on radio/TV.?: yes (148) Been in a mosh-pit?: yes (149) Had a nervous breakdown?: yes (150) Considered religious vocation?: huh? (151) Been criticized about your sexual performance?: YES! (152) Bungee jumped?: yes (153) Had a dream that kept coming back?: yes CLOTHES and other fashion (154) Shoe brand?: Volitile...and Bakers and Victorias Secret for SEXY stuff (155) Brand of clothing?: KikGirl, Caffine, Victorias Secret...:O and assorted others (156) Cologne/perfume?: Vanilla Sugar, cuz it turns Andrew on (157) What are you normally wearing to school/work?: tshirt and pants...but I have a skirt Fetish. *ez access* OH! I did NOT just say that! (159) Wear hats?: sometimes (160) Judge other people by their clothing?: sometimes (161) Wear make-up?: sometimes (162) Favorite place to shop?: hot topic (163) Favorite article of clothing?: skirts (164) Are you trendy?: uhhuh!! (165) Would you rather wear a uniform to school?: no BELIEFS (166) Believe in life on other planets?: yes (167) Miracles?: yes (168) Astrology?: yes (169) Magic?: MAJICK! yes. (170) God? : sorta (171) Satan?: no (172) Santa?: no (173) Ghosts?: yes (174) Luck?: yes (175) Love at first sight?: kind of (176) Yin and Yang?: yes (177) Witches?: Heh. Je souis une. (178) Easter bunny?: no (179) Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes (180) Believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: yes (181) Do you wish on stars?: yes LOVE, and all that (182) Did you get frightened or uncomfortable seeing that as a section title?: no (183) Do you remember your first love?: yes (184) Still love him/her?: ... (185) Do you consider love a mistake?: no (186) What do you find romantic?: Andrew and all the things he says to me (187) Turn-on?: ANDREW! (188) Turn-off?: a WHOLE lot of stuff....especially saying "f-u-c-k" (189) Do you base your judgement on looks alone: no (200) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?: Hey, its their loss! (201) Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going "blind"?: knowing them (202) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?: not particularly (203) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?: yes (204) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: And how exactly should I know that?! (205) What is best about the opposite sex?: Heh. Heh. (206) What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: sometimes they cant be there when you really need them (207) What's the last present someone gave you?: IF YOU WILL LEAVE A COMMENT I WILL TELL YOU,DAMNIT!! (208) Are you in love?: YES! YES YES YES YES YES!!! (209) Do you consider your significant other hot?: yes (210) What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guy/girl standing on the sidewalk?: um.. continue walking? WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON... (211) That haunted you?:...Robin (212) You wanted to kill?: Killing is bad. (213) That you laughed at?: Nemo. He was playing with MJ (214) That laughed at you?: Andrew (215) That turned you on?: Andrew (216) You went shopping with?: Andrew (217) That broke your heart?: ... (218) To disappoint you?: myself ... and... my...nevermind. (219) To ask you out?: Andrew (220) To make you cry?: I dont cry. (221) To brighten up your day?: Andrew, Nemo and Chris (222) That you thought about?: Anthony...and Nemo and Chris. Always andrew. (223) You saw a movie with?: Out or in the house?? (224) You talked to on the phone?: My MOM! i tried calling Jessie but her line was buzy...grrr (225) You talked to through IM?: Anthony (226) You saw?: My mom (227) You lost? Andrew. At wal mart. We were buying condoms and omg i could not find him for ten minutes. it was halarious. (229) You thought was completely insane?: NEMO! He picked me up today a whole buncha times and I SQUEALED! (230) You wanted to be?: Marilyn Monroe (231) You told off?: My MOM (232) You trusted?: Jessica...and Andrew and Ashley. And Chris McGlau...okay i cant spell his lasnt name. Yea- hez my bestest best guy friend including Nemo cuz Nemo kicks ass. (233) You turned down?: Anthony WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU (234) Smiled?: today (235) Laughed?: today (236) Cried?: ... (237) Bought something?: today...off of EBAY! (238) Danced?: today (239) Were sarcastic?: today...a few questions ago (240) hugged someone?: today (241) Talked to an ex?: ? (242) Watched your fave movie?: yesterday! well, i watched one of my favorites. The Nightmare Before Christmas. :P (243) Had a nightmare?: last night, strangly. I havent had one in a while (245) Talked on the phone?: today (246) Listened to the radio?: today (247) Watched TV?: yesterday (248) Went out?: dont you know me?! I always go out! (249) Helped someone?: today (250) Were mean?: Im a strong believer in Karma- I dont like to be mean (251) Sang?: today (252) Saw a movie in a theater?: forever ago (253) Said "I love you"?: today (254) Missed someone?: today...my Daddy.... (255) Fought with a family member?: today (256) Fought with a friend?: week ago or so (257) Had a serious conversation?: today (258) Got drunk?: not in a while (259) Had sex?: Heh. Heh. You may never know.... ~Cherice [Comment.Or.I'll.Die.] |
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accomplished| 08:54pm 24/11/2003 | ||||
DAMNIT! ~You flippin know who so why the HELL do i have to even sighn my damn name? AAAAAAAAH! P.s.- are you people like anti- comment or something? OH! I HAVE GOOD NEWS! If you leave me a comment i will tell you later!!! ***commentcommentcommentplease!!!*** |
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| okay, so, yeah... | ||||
| 08:47pm 24/11/2003 | ||||
~Cherice [Leave.Me.Alone.] |
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| uuuuuuugh | ||||
| 05:17pm 18/11/2003 | ||||
~Cherice [let.me.out.] |
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bitchy| This is from my AOL homepage | ||||
| 01:05pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
I am a strong believer in Karma. You get what you deserve. You always will. I believe if you treat the Earth and all creations in it with respect, then you will be treated with respect back. The trees have eyes and the wind has ears. I'm Wiccan. I am not a devil-worshiper, so please do NOT ask. I do not sacrifice anything....Well, if my little brother were around that may be different.... (ha ha that was s'pose to be a joke, okay? jezz...you people have no sense of humor...) My philosophy is that not everyone in this world is going to like you, but not everyone is going to hate you, and you have to accept that fact. if you make a bad choice, you have to live with the consiquinces, and accept the fact that you did something wrong. The bad things in life makes us stronger. If you cant get thru something bad, youre not going to be able to get thru anything at all. you have to learn how to survive in this crazy place we call life. its survival of the fittest aout there, dog eat dog, and you have to realize that.life is hard, but the rewards are endless. You christians are so hypocritical. You say one thing and do the complete opposite. First of all, I kinda sympathize with you. I mean if I believed everything I heard, maybe I'd be the same way towards gay people. Man is sinful. Man wrote book. Man lies. Man says: "Oh, well God came to me and told me what to write." Do you think if that stuff happened today anyone would believe it? NO! Of course not...that's because the shit has been embedded into people. Just because Christianity is popular as well as the bible, it doesn't mean it's all true. Believe what you want....but you know what.... What if one day everyone criticized you for who you were? What if YOU were a minority? One day heterosexual christians will be. And I can't wait until that day comes. (IF YOU DONT WANNA HEAR IT, DONT READ IT!!! *everything from now on is safe* ) Kool Merde Pastime: acting, hangin out w/my sisters,ashley and Sundena... dancing, but most of all, doing DDR Food: anything chinese...whipped cream...noodles... and i like mashed potatoes... and what most of y'all like to call 'rabbit food'...ima vegitarian Colorz: red and black...but secretly my favorite color is pink. Dont tell anyone, though... Actress': Nicole Kidman and Marilyn Monroe Movies: All the movies that have Marilyn Monroe in them... THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED!!!! The Vampire Cronichles, and Cruel Intintions, all LOTR, SLC Punk, and The RHPS (if you dont know what that is, you are not worthy) Cd's: GREEN DAY GREEN DAY GREEN DAY!!! I LOVE GREEN DAY!!! Tsunami Bomb: Invasion From Within, anything Tsunami Bomb (hence teh s/n)... Queen of the damned soundtrack , TOOL,and Tatu...oh, and Marilyn Manson is GOD! Books: The Vampire Chronicals (Anne Rice), 'LOTR' (J.R.R. Tolken) , 'The Hobbit'(J.R.R. Tolken) , 'No Flying in the House' and 'Fairies:Myth or Fact'? Guyz: my wonderful georgous sexy cute wild fun great boyfriend, Andrew,and my best guy friend, Anthony Class: French, Forinsics Songs: Hmmm... anything by Tsunami Bomb... Tatu 'all the things she said' and 'Not Gonna Get Us' , Disturbed 'forsaken', Simple Plan 'i'd do anything' , and TOOL 'schism', and pretty much all old songs by ppl like Jewl and the Wallflowers...oh, and did i mention marilyn manson is GOD!? LOL Heh yeah fun stuff...but my all time favorite hands down dont even doubt it favorite band is GREEN DAY! All Time Favorite Quotes: Through any morning fog I see The visions of the things to be Their pains are all withheld from me I realize, and I can see that Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take it or leave it If I please The game of life is hard to play Im gonna lose it anyway The losing cards are one day late So this is all I have to say Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take it or leave it If I please The sword of time will pierce our skin It doesn? matter where it begins But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger, watch it brim Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take it or leave it If I please A brave man once requested me To answer questions that I keep Is it to be, or not to be? And I replied, why ask me? Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take it or leave it If I please And you can do the same thing If you please *** * Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test, and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life. So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life. ~Green Day * "Evil is a point of view. God kills, indiscriminately, and so shall we. He takes the richest and the poorest, as so shall we, for no creatures under God are as we are, none so like Him as ourselves. Dark angels not confined to the stinking limits of hell but wandering his earth and all it's kingdoms."- The Vampire Lestat ** "I never lie...Atleast not to those I don't love."-TVL ** "There are too many other inexplicable things around us--horrors, threats, mysteries that draw you in and then inevitably disenchant you. Back to the predictable and humdrum. The prince is never going to come, everybody knows that; and maybe Sleeping Beauty's dead."-TVL (favorite Quote) ** "I can't help being a gorgeous fiend. It's just the card I drew." -TVL ** "I'm a perfect devil. Tell me how bad I am. It makes me feel so good!" -TVL ** "I want to affect things! To make something happen!"- TVL ** "Don't be a fool for the devil, darling!...Unless he treats you a damn sight better than the Almighty!" -TVL ** "Speak to me of the Dark Gifts- I use them. I'm Gentleman Death in silk and lace, come to put out the candles. The canker in the heart of the rose."-TVL ** "I've always been my own teacher, and I must confess I've always been my favorite pupil as well." -TVL ** "None of us really changes over time; we only become more fully what we are." -TVL ** "Sometimes I become spellbound in the middle of Wal-Mart." -TVL (LOL- I like the next few Quotes quite a bit) ** "Rules, rules, rules. They always wind up talking about rules. And I love to break the rules the way mortals like to smash their crystal glasses after a toast together against the bricks of a fireplace." -TVL ** "And my dark soul is happy once again, because it does not know how to be anything else for very long, and because the pain is a deep dark sea in which I would drown if I did not sail my little craft steadily over the surface, steadily towards a sun which will never rise." -TVL (can you tell that my favorite books include teh Vampire Chronichals?) }~~~~@ |
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| last coupl eo entries | ||||
| 12:56pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
~Cherice [Stop.The.Pain] |
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| Randomness | ||||
| 12:55pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or Saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs. Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own....when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had. * What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye? *What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? *What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore) *What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? *What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them? what would YOU do??? ~Cherice [Stop.The.Pain] |
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| Religon | ||||
| 12:54pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
Most Christians believe that the pentacle and pentagram are symbols of 'Satan' and that anybody that wears one is Satanic. They believe that the pentagram(five pointed star) represents the five wounds of Christ. The pentacle has been associated with Pagans for a long time, even before Christianity came along. And how could those who wear the pentacle be called Satanic if we don't even believe in Satan or any kind of devil? Some Satanic people insist that the pentacle is a symbol of their religion, but it has really just been adopted in the past few decades by the Satanic goth crowds. Contrary to popular belief, Witches are not Satanic and you don't have to be a goth to be a Witch. The pentacle is a friendly symbol representing the elements, earth, fire, water, and air. The top left point represents the element earth, and truth. The bottom left represents water and wisdom. The top right point represents air, and love. The bottom right point symbolizes fire, and knowledge. The top point of the star, of course, represents spirit. It also is the point of power. Some Satanic people use the inverted pentacle (upside down) as their symbol, because it shows spirit at the bottom and has it as inferior. The pentacle has been added to the Satanic religion recently, and doesn't have the same meaning, same quality, same purpose, or same importance as it does in Witchcraft. ~Cherice [Stop.The.Pain.] |
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| More Poems | ||||
| 12:53pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
Someone saw the light in her eyes, Though they were closed. Did he understand her at all? Would he grab her if she'd fall- Wipe away her tears, Gently kiss away the pain of her cuts? Someone heard the laughter of her spirit, Though she could not speak. Did he want to watch her grow- Would he give her strength when she was weak? Someone felt the warmth of her heart, Though there was no beat. Would he find her on a dark night, Guide her undauntedly into the light? Someone could taste the purity of her soul, Though she was nowhere near. After she ran away, Would he still let her in? Wash away the shame From the places she had been? Then, like a surge, it all made sense- She was alive, complete, Wrapped in love so intense. She was not alone- And from within she heard a song. He had been there with the answer- He was inside her all along. by:me "MY WORLD" You came into my life, Like a bat out of hell. Making things clear, I would be with you. Our love is damned, Thoughts blocking our way. Though I think I am in love, Something keeps me at a run. Somehow I know, this feeling inside is for you. How does my life go on, I will never know. This great fear of mine, Is love. What I feel inside. I am sure of it now. Now that I have found you, I will never let you go. Because YOU have broken the dam, And showed me happiness. You slowed me down, And showed me the right path. Now on that path, I am yours. Everything the earth Is made of, Can never compare to what I feel for you. And why this is.... YOU ARE MY WORLD. by: me both poems are © chericefoster, 2003, for all you little pervs who want to STEAL MY WORK!!! mwa hahaha u cant- i'll sue you! |
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| Who AM i!? | ||||
| 12:52pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
That is death. We are bound with all these people that help make this world what it is. Whether we love to hate it, hate to love it, or we can live in peaceful contentedness, we must respect that. We will never be more than that same kid who came out. One day we will go back to the ground the way we came and we will never ever be able to take anything with us. Admit it..everyone is too wraped up in their own thing to really notices how much time you put into your outfit today. Instead..sit back with knowing eyes. breathe. have faith. live. ~cherice. [Stop.The.Pain.] |
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| something for nothing | ||||
| 12:51pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
My heart. These two worlds combat over my actions. To achieve an equilibrium between the two is to eliminate the existence of either. It as if they are at war, and there is no compromise. At times, I try to make myself believe that one value can indefinitely exist without the other. Ha. Should one challenge the other, I am faced with several, inevitable circumstances: ...sooner or later, one of those values will be challenged, and I will defend it as if I didn't need the other. A dire mistake. ...sooner or later, I will be thrown into that amalgam of chaos, insecurity, and bleak atmosphere only to become indecisive as to what path I should take. How will I ever know what is right, if I cannot value one of those over the other? ...sooner or later, I will be become incensed because of that indecisiveness. That rage will eventually become so evident that the feelings I have repressed in front of my unknowing friends will become written all over my face. ...sooner or later, I will cry. A lot. And it will be a relief, because I have been unable to cry about anything for several years. Maybe not today, or a week, or a year. But I will. That day will be one of the most dynamic and crucial in my life, whether negative or positive. But most critical: Out of this mental anarchy, I believe I will make a mistake I will never forgive myself for. I believe that in all this, I may hurt someone. je souis, et je ne souis pas ~cherice [Stop.The.Pain.] |
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amused| yet another lil tidbit | ||||
| 12:49pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
So many times I want to go back to the real me. The old me. The black haired girl whos only color she knew was black and vocabulary consisted of 'f--- you' and 'i dont care'. I want to express how I feel and I want to bash out in anger and punch a hole in a wall of bricks. Most most of all...there is the urge. The urge to have something sharp in my hand and feel it sliding down my wrist, making a trail of bright, pure, red, human blood. I want to see the color sliding down my wrist. I want to feel the pain and emotion go away like it used to. When I used to cut myself, after is was done, and even in the proccess, I could almost feel all of my worrires and problems dissapear. And I was proud of myself. I wore my wounds on my arms like trophys. I treasured them. They were the only things that kept me from going insane. I was so addicted to the pain I felt it was the only way to live. I remember the first time I did it. I was in my room, back when it was in the basement. I was mad at Marty as usual. But this time I didnt think I could take it anymore. I remembered seeing a commercial about self-mutalation. It sounded like a good idea. The only thing sharp in my room was one of those fake icikles. You know, like the ones you put up at Christmas...when its hot outside? Well...it was the only thing i could find. I looked at it, and I sat there and thought "I wonder if this would dull the pain. even a little." so i took the tip of it and i got it hot over one of my lighters. I brung it to my wrist...slowly. Savoring every sense of pain. I pushed down on the icicle and slowly gave it my all and pushed down on my skin. It took longer than I expected it to to see the blood...but when it came, it was like a tidal wave...it was like for those breif moments every pain, every peice of hurt or anger in my body dissapeared. It became better for the moment. And then it got addictive. Every time I got mad, I would inflict pain upon myself in whichever way possible. I tried everything...knives, razors, even something metal i tore off of my bed. But never again the icicle. It was special. I never resorted to drugs...so I thought I was alright in that sense. And I never did it anywhere but on my arms or wrists...I think I might've dont it so everyone coud see. I mean, dont get me wrong, it is NOT like I went up to people and said "hey, look at me! im a freak! i cut myself!" but...I guess i starved for the attention. But even if i hadnt gotten the attention I think I still would have done it. I thought I was okay...it was my problem. It was my was of coping. But then I got set straight. I dont remember what or who did it, but after three years of cutting almost every day, something hit me: "This isnt right. I shouldnt do this." So I stoppped. Or at lease I tried. I got help. But every once in a while...it will come back. Every once in a while...i want to do it again. note- the beginning was aimed at my mom, none of you. Love, Cherice [Stop.The.Pain.] |
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| something from my old journal- a POEM!! | ||||
| 12:46pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
So you finally set me free But in doing so you made me cry You’ve broken my wings And told me to fly You said it was over And you pushed me away Its not working out Words I hoped you’d never say I wanted to know why Why did you break my heart Did you do it on purpose Did you even love me from the start? So you walked into her arms And left me here to cry You hurt me so bad I truly wanted to die But I want you to know My wings have finally mended Your harsh words forgotten And my love for you has ended I no longer run to the phone Wishing its you Your no longer the only thing I care about Now that we are through So as I say goodbye There’s something I want you to know I hope you enjoy your life The life involving you and the friend, who I found to be a foe. |
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| C'est Moi | ||||
| 12:36pm 11/11/2003 | ||||
CHERICE! Yes, I now have a blurty.... Doesnt that just make you happy inside? I am going to have to work my ass off for this to be as good as my other one.... BUT I CAN TRY!!! heh. heh. ~Reecy |
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| thegypsybelle | ||
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