~Questioning Reality~'s Journal


		10:31pm 21/11/2005
	Take the quiz: "How Fairfield County are you?" Youre the definition of Fairfield County. If the OC was the FC, you'd be one of the characters. You are the definition of Fairfield County. I bet you know the backroads by heart, trails through the woods, where the back entrnace of pizza works is. Look at you...Mrs. Fairfield. If there were a contest for who could represent the classic Fairfield child the best, you would win. Either this, or all of youre friends are FC kids...Wow. Aren't you special?
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		01:26am 17/10/2005
	where have all the cool people gone? Everywhere I go, all the parties that I attend, I have yet to find a decent human being. Im not one to be the center of attention, nor do I want to be. I like spending my time in the corner watching people sipping a drink, and just watching. What is it that people always have to talk about, why dont there mouths stop moving for a breif second and allow their eyes and ears to work for a while. What are we all trying to do? What are we looking for? People move all around Boston in search of something. Friday and Saturday nights are most commonly spent intoxicated moving from place to place trying to feel like we belong, but we never do so we move on...and try again...please excuse this mindless rant....as it is just a bunch of things shooting through my brain that should be recorded... Why are people so fake? Every girl I talked too at the party I attended last weekend seemed to be hiding behind layers of makeup and jewlery. Kind of like a really awful painting that has been put in a really cool, shiny frame so people will look at it. They all look the same, fake blond hair, $400 purse (or a cheap knock off...which really pisses me off, if you cant afford it, why pretend like you can??), light beer in hand, always talking to whoever the dumbest guy, with the biggest muscles and mouth in the room. I guess I just miss intelligent conversation for fun. Just once I would love it if someone just came and sat down next to me in my corner and said wow! people really try way too hard. Don't they? ...or maybe im just lonley... ~ A
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		12:55am 11/05/2005
	my roommate sucks...
		Read 1 - Post

well I cant sleep...what a surprise

02:48am 21/04/2005

mood:

calm

music: nothing...roommate is passed out

Hmm, maybe I should see a doctor. Can't sleep once again. So once again ill write for a few, not like anyone reads this thing but it helps. So as I lay staring at the ceiling I started to think of the last time I was happy. Not happy as in the opposite of depressed kind of happy, but actually happy. The English language needs some more basic words. So then as my brain likes to I started to analyze and think more. So I started to think of the last 3 and then 5 times I've been happy, and they are: 1) standing out on the roof of my friends apartment for hours watching Boston in the early morning...so strangely peaceful and yet so chaotic, a beautiful mess. 2) driving from Boston to canton, ny to visit Kirk. One of my favorite things to do is travel, even by myself. Just relaxing and not being able to do anything else but drive and listen to music for 7 hours was really, really needed after the stress of transferring schools, and the empty, curvy back roads in upstate ny were amazing. 3) Laying on the bow of the boat with my dad watching the sunset and the stars come into view.. 4) Sitting on the beach in the middle of the night playing with Carrie’s dog...5) Hiking up Cadillac mountain and watching the sunrise..

..
~ A

Post

Ms. Kindle...UP YOURS
		03:00pm 20/04/2005
	so yeah. I never thought I would be happy simply saying I PASSED, but after Discrete Mathematics, the class where 3/4 of the people in it were taking it for the second time. I am willing to be happy and say that I PASSED DISCRETE MATHEMATICS!!! So yeah this goes out to my third grade teacher who said that I would never be able to amount to anything but a day laborer, my 5th grade teacher who wanted to put me in "remedial" math classes and to everyother person who thought that I couldnt do math. UP YOURS! ...a
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ehh

03:02am 20/04/2005

mood:

blank

music: Grace is Gone ~ DMB

Tell me do you think it'd be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone
Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found
To take its place...

Post

so long and thanks for all the fish....

02:22am 13/04/2005

mood:

indifferent

music: The Misfits ~ Skulls

so its after 2:00 in the morning. Yet again I am awake. I thought this project would have to be completed by now...but alas it isn’t. So today was one of the crappiest ive had in a long time. I had an interview at a company that I really wanted to work for. But given its me, and I tend to fuck everything up, I got lost. Making what should have been a 15 minute drive into about an hour and a half. Oh well, they were a military contractor anyway...and I don’t know how well I would have been able to deal with the fact that I was somehow helping kill people. Heh...life goes on, im just not sure how much longer my bank account will, I really hate mooching off my dad. He always give me such a hard time when I borrow money, and is really quick to hold it over me. I swear he doesn’t let me pay him back because it allows him to have some leverage over my life. The credit card bills are starting to roll in and are quickly adding up to much more then happens to exist in my checking account, and I really don’t want to liquidate any of my investments yet. So if I don’t get this job I may be living on Huntington ave picking up cans and asking people for change. The sad thing is that when you think about it, bums actually have more money then I do. They at least have money, given its only a few dollars. But I, and most of middle America live in perpetual debt...negative money. So I think they should be giving me money out of charity. (I am really joking of course...have you ever tried to by crack in this state, let me tell you it isn’t cheap (once again a joke...)) So yeah I need a job...and an answer to my problem. Damn structural recursion, and accumulators. On top of it all for some odd reason ive been feeling wicked lonely the past few days, I don't really know why, I figure I would be used to it by now. But that is another story, for another time.

so long and thanks for all the fish... ~~ A

Post

01:02am 12/04/2005

mood:

drained

music: Moby - Inside

ok so 10 hours into my program and this is all I have done...I hate being stupid.

(define-struct slot-machine (w-l w-m w-r))
;; A slot machine is a structure where (make-slot-machine (symbol-a symbol-b symbol-c))
#|
Template for slot-machine
f : Slot-machine ->
(define (f asm)
...(f (slot-machine-w-l))...
...(f (slot-machine-w-c))...
...(f (slot-machine-w-r))...))
|#

;;rando : list -> symbol
;;takes a list and randomly chooses one of the elements from within the list
;;first wheel randomizer
(define w-llist (list . . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . .))

;;randomizing function (los -> symbol)
;;returns a random symbol from a list of symbols
(define (w-l list)
(nth list (random (length list))))

(define (nth l n)
(cond
[(zero? n)(first l)]
[(empty? l) empty]
(else (nth (rest l) (- n 1)))))
;;second wheel randomizer (w-l w-clist)
(define w-clist (list . . . . . .
. . . . .
. . . ..
. . . . . .))

;;third wheel randomizer (w-l w-rlist)
(define w-rlist (list . . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . .))

;;;make the slot machine
;(make-slot-machine (w-l w-llist)(w-l w-clist)(w-l w-rlist))

;;structure -> image
;;imageslot : (make-slot-machine w-l w-c w-r)--> (make-slot-machine image image image)
;
;(place-image
;(on-key-event r (make-slot-machine (w-l w-llist)(w-l w-clist)(w-l w-rlist)))
(define (draw-slots symbol)
(cond
[(symbol=? 'run symbol)(place-image (w-l w-llist) 80 80
(place-image (w-l w-clist) 200 80
(place-image (w-l w-rlist) 320 80 (empty-scene 500 180))))]
[else (display "you suck")]))

(define (win? placed-slots)
(cond
[(symbol=? 'run placed-slots)
(cond
[(equal? (draw-slots 'run)( .* *))"you win"]
[else (display "bite me")])]))

(define writeln
(lambda (args)

(for-each display args)
))

...shoot me please

Post

I loved you all along...
		04:17am 10/04/2005
	what the hell is wrong with me? I am a fake. That is it, all I am is one made up excuse for an existance.
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yeha

12:32am 08/04/2005

mood:

discontent

music: Sane - Meshuggah

and so the semester is coming to an end. I am still alive and what seems to be no worse for the wear. I feel like I am starting to find my place here at NEU a little bit. My place being...no where. I took a stupid online quiz (see below) and it pointed me as a "loner" and I guess that is sort of what I am. A social, loaner. I cant say that I really have, or have ever really had a "group" of friends. I mean i have my close friends, but they have always been different from oneanother. Oh well. It gets kind of lonely sometimes i must say.
I really want to travel. I NEED to travel, but I am going to be stuck in boston, taking classes...when i dont even know what I want to study. i dont know, I think i want to transfer into international business. It sounds kind of cool, and I would have to become fluent in a foreign language inorder to graduate...which is tre` cool. I really want to wander around, of go driving. This weekend should be cool though, less than jake, moby and the dropkick murphys. on the other hand I have sooo much fucking work to do....I need a hug, I havent had a good one of those in a while. I mean ive had hugs, but not one that really mattered..its hard to explain. I miss my fairfield friends, and after this summer most are going to be gone, or will be so shot from drugs that well i doubt the will even be human to me anymore. But that is a story for another night. i dont even know where i was going with all this...
later a

Post

er yeah

12:18am 08/04/2005

You scored as Loner.

Loner

63%

Stoner

50%

Punk/Rebel

50%

Drama nerd

50%

Goth

38%

Geek

38%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

13%

Ghetto gangsta

13%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

Post

yeah...
		01:35am 31/03/2005
	hey so i know that i posted earlier but i didnt really say anything... oh screw it i had crap to put here but i dont really feel like it so here are some song lyrics... hahah At Cavanaugh Park We used to get high Watching teams as they fought They loved my friend Adam But he always got caught Man, that kid made fucking up look cool Aren't we all so cool? No, No... And there was never any place For someone like me to be Totally happy I'm running out of clock and that Ain't a shock Some things never do change Never do change.... and thats it for tonight kiddies
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01:32am 31/03/2005

mood:

discontent

music: roommates laptop fan...

hey so i know that i posted earlier but i didnt really say anything... oh screw it i had crap to put here but i dont really feel like it so here are some song lyrics...

hahah

At Cavanaugh Park
We used to get high
Watching teams as they fought
They loved my friend Adam
But he always got caught
Man, that kid made fucking up look cool
Aren't we all so cool? No, No...

And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change....

and thats it for tonight kiddies

Post

ehh randomnes

09:08pm 30/03/2005

mood:

lonely

music: Keane -- Bedshaped

So I guess that I really should start using this damn thing. I guess it might be a good outlet or something. So if you are reading this, and you /actually/ know who I am....please realize that this is an outlet, take it all with a grain of salt. But for now a survey type thing...later some more thought

LAYER ONE:

full name: Alan Jeffery Gordon (I guess my English name should be good enough....)
birth date: July 8, 1985
birthplace: Bridgeport, CT
current location: Boston, MA
eye color: Blue
hair color: reddish-brown
height: 5' 10"
righty or lefty: lefty...lets hear it for being possessed by the devil

LAYER TWO:

0your heritage: Russian, Jewish...so basically nothing in the end. (its a long story and requires a few lessons in Russian and Jewish history...damn Diaspora)
your perfect pizza: veggie?
goal you'd like to achieve: save the world

LAYER THREE:

your most overused phrase on AIM: umm does '...' count?
your thoughts first waking up: wow that was f***** up...or wow I actually slept, weird
your bedtime: if I do sleep, 2 or 3 am
your most missed memory: oh so many, hiking in new Mexico, bonfires and parties in the woods at Wes’s house, nights on the beach at UNE half drunk smoking cloves watching the ocean...I don’t know, so many happy times have been had

LAYER FOUR:

McDonald’s or burger king: eww?
single or group dates: well for serious dates single...group things are really impersonal when I comes to the whole dating thing
chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
cappuccino or coffee: espresso?. or European style coffee

LAYER FIVE:
smoke: yeah, sometimes...not regularly anymore. and weed makes me paranoid...
cuss: on occation..usually in Yiddish
sing: yeah I like to, I need to practice more though
take a shower everyday: yeah I guess...we all have those moments when we don’t...don’t we?
have a crush: yeah...and we are going to leave it at that
do you think you've been in love: don’t get me started...
do you want to go to college?: Yeah I like it here so far...what kind of a biased question is that??
like high school: I like my friends from high school...but Fairfield can do dirty things to your mom...
want to get married: I guess at some point, if the right person comes along. I’m in no rush
believe in yourself: ehh sometimes
think you're attractive: not really
think you're a health freak: I used to be...and I just don’t really care anymore...I like to be healthy...but as my great grandmother used to say...everything in moderation
get along with your parent(s): yeah, most of the time...they are good people. A little nuts but all in all good
like thunderstorms: yeah, esp. when they are snow storms
play an instrument: guitar

LAYER SIX:

In the past month...

drank alcohol: Yes.
smoked: yeah...damn cloves...tasty little fuckers::hangs head::
done a drug: well what is a drug? hard drugs (ex. coke, crack, heroin)? no way..
made out: yes
gone on a date: umm...sort of
gone to the mall?: prudential center count?
eaten an entire box of Oreos: nope.
eaten sushi: yep...mmm
been dumped: No.
gone skating: no
made homemade cookies: nope
gone skinny dipping: no
dyed your hair: surprisingly no!...that will change shortly
stolen anything: ehh i've never been able to bring myself to do that...stupid karma

LAYER SEVEN:

Ever...

played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes.
been caught "doing something": something. no, someone? now that’s a different story
been called a tease: hmm..
gotten beaten up: no
shoplifted: Nope
changed who you were to fit in: nope

LAYER EIGHT:

age you hope to be married: I don’t know
numbers and names of children: 42
Describe your dream wedding: umm..i don’t know
how do you want to die: climbing the side of or falling off of something impressive...
where you want to go to college: well im at Northeastern, I wanted to do go to UC Berkeley...but my dad wasn’t thrilled with me on the other side of the country
what do you want to be when you grow up: Please, someone give me ideas...superhero?
what country would you most like to visit: the most?? oh geesh..well right now Russia or Israel...maybe India..

LAYER NINE:

In a boy/girl..

best eye color? blue or green
best hair color? blue
short or long hair: short or really long
height: normal
best weight: ehh it varies...I guess proportional
best articles of clothing: t-shirt and shorts
best first date location: Acadia
best first kiss location: no idea...

Post

12:39am 30/03/2005

mood:

nostalgic

music: Paul Simon ~ America

yeah i know its been ages. But alas i am here once again. I really have no clue what i have written here in the past, but for some odd reason i feel like i need to make my self known tonight. I cant sleep...oh well. So im here in boston, one of the great cities in the United States, yet alone the world...yet I feel so damn alone. I miss having friends I could call at all hours of the night whether it be because i was freaking out over something, or just simply to talk. Last year, sitting outside of west with Ben and Linsey...at 3:30 in the morning just because i couldnt sleep, ya know those nights when you toss and turn and your damn brain just wont turn off and all of a sudden it feels like the weight of the world is falling on you. All i had to do was go over to my computer, take down my away message and all of a sudden lins ims me shocked that I was still awake. Within a few minutes I am outside infront of my dorm with ben and lins, shaking while I spilled everything that i was worrying about upon attentive ears...after i finished we sat for a bit longer chain smoking talking about how we wish things were different, what we wanted to do. Its nights like that I felt as if someone cared, and i felt that they knew that I would do the same for them...and on many an occation I did. Then everone went on their own ways...and i was left behind. Northeastern is a great school and I am having an ok time here. But i just miss the closeness of my friends at UNE and home. I guess part of this is stemmed from going home for the weekend. I had a really nice time...saw skull at quinnipiac, but that is a story for a different time. I went to the beach and just sat and staired at the sky, then i saw jana and shannon...gosh how I miss those girls. and now my brain is starting to slow down as i realize that I have to be up for an 8 am Discrete Structures class...ahhhh how i hate math...oh well we all make mistakes. I really just want to be back on wes's boat, in his back barn with the banana crew, shooting the shit, daydreaming, playing with the bonfire, sleeping in my car........

ohh..under the weight of life, things seem brighter on the other side.....

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01:59am 23/08/2004

mood:

annoyed

music: Tiny Little Fractures ~ snow patrol

So yeah, I know I havent really updated in a while. There arnt many people who look at this anyway, so it isnt like it really matters all that much. But yeah a whole lot of shit has happened in the last couple of weeks that I really need to bitch about...(I really need to remember to update this thing when I have good news, anyone who reads this must think I am some kind of deranged manic depressive...) but yeah that all set aside. To start off I think I am addicted to cigarettes, and that is a bad thing...i really only started because it was an excuse for me to go outside when I was on duty but im not too worried being that I can control myself from buying them, and the people who I used to smoke with arnt going to be at school for another month, which should give me enough time to get over the nic' fitting. But I can only hope that will be the toughest thing I will ever have to conquer in my life. So I finally have been home (in CT) for an extended period of time and it has been very nice. Last Sunday, I drove down from school in Maine to CT to attend our annual "cousin's club" meeting (a family reunion of sorts) it was very nice to see my relatives. The weather was really crappy, it was torrential rain the whole 4 hours trip down. But hey I guess that is New England for ya.
Tuesday with help from my brother we spent the day moving one of my dads clients into a sort of old age apartment complex of sorts. The man was very nice and seemed like a fairly sane individual, but the other people that lived in the building were a little nuts. They all wanted to know everthing about the person and got very angry when we told them that we really didnt know anything. Then to top it all off, as my brother and I were bringing some furnature up in the elevator a old man gets on with us and starts asking questions about the person that we were moving in. When we told him that it was a man, he got very upset with us and said that we couldnt move any men into his building. Due to the fact that he wanted all the ladies for himself. He went on like this for a while, but before he got off he said somthing that I think will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life "Hey, what can I say! Im 83 years old and my private still gives me the ol' solute every morning." So yeah my brother and I kind of look at each other just trying to figure out if we should cringe or laugh after the guy got out of the elevator. But when all was said and done I was about a hundred bucks richer for about 5 hours of work so I guess I really cant complain too much.........

ahhh crap its 2:00 am...and i am tired...so yeah more later

the lesson for tonight is that decent women have ASSHOLE ADDICTIONS!!!! that is all

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hey...

09:55pm 28/04/2004

mood:

weird

music: LBC ~ Atari

Well its been a while since ive updated, but ive been very busy. Finals are quickly approaching and I can't seem to find enough time to keep my sanity let alone update. So yeah, now that I have gotten that out of the way on to new business. I had a very interesting weekend. Friday night I went out to my friend Chelsi's house down the road where we all chilled and BBQed...I ate over a pound of swordfish...mmmm. But like all things that I seem to get involved with it had its problems. First, I arrived at my friend's house at around 7:00 pm to find that they were all half if not fully cocked...which wasnt too bad until we tried to do the barbque thing...I drag the grill out to find that no one had charcoal...so being that I was the only sober one I went out with Lana to Biddo an picked up charcoal...only to arrive back to find that there was very little lighter fluid. So I used what I could find and it seemed to work ok. Except for the fact that it took forever to get going, which inturn caused everthing to take forever to cook. So I sat outside and watched the grill while everone around be continued to get drunker and drunker...the night went on and I still stayed the only sober one, like ususal. Well chels had her boyfriend ryan up, who I really do not get along with very well, simply due to the fact that he is a chauvinistic pig and I really don't like the way that he treats girls. It is guys like him that give males a bad name, because most girls tend to go for guys like him and then bitch to guys like me about their asshole boyfriends wondering why they cant meet a nice guy...well enough on that. I was really, really tired so i decided to go to sleep a little early (2:00 am) Chelsi and Ryan passed out drunk about an hour earlier and a few of my other friends decided that it would be funny to draw on them with marker. At around 4 am Ryan wakes up and walks to the bathroom and sees the damage that was done. I was half asleep and all I heard was "Im going to fu***** kill you bi***" Thinking that he was being serious, being that he already threatened to kill another friend of mine, I spring awake only to find that he was joking. At this point I really couldnt put up with anymore bullshit so I left and drove back to campus. I finally fell asleep at around 5:00 as I watched the sunrise. Well then on Saturday I woke up at around 12:00 and went to Jamfest, which was supposed to be this huge end of the year blowout...only to find that it too followed the theme at this school....LAME!!! There was no one there...because everone was still passed out or hung over. At least one good band played..Allister. But they only played for about 30 minutes...but yeah. During their set they announced that they were going down to UCONN to party, so I went up to them afterwards and talked to them. I wound up telling them that I knew a bunch of people from UCONN and it finally boiled down to the fact that they were going to party with a band that was formed in my hometown, Grover Dill. So they invited me and my friends Danielle and Suzi to come down and party with them. Slight problem there, my friend Suzi didnt get out of work until 10, so we decided that we would meet them there. So the band's manager (of sorts) took my cell # and said that he would give us a call around 12. So yeah, we leave UNE around 10 ish...drive down to Connecticut and get there around 1:30...after getting turned away by many cops due to the fact that it was UCONN's spring weekend and anyone who watches the national news knows what happens then. So I talk to the band, only to find that they were tripping on mushrooms and had no idea where they were or even how to get there...it basically ended with one of the members dropping the cell phone, which then got stepped on and broken...or so it sounded. So yeah, there we were 3 kids fresh out of the Maine woods dropped in the middle of one of the craziest campuses in the USA....with nothing. So I called a friend of mine who I hadent spoken too for a while and she came and met up with us. We chilled with her, her brother and his roomates for a bit...but they were all drunk to some effect and eventually passed out. So we left at around 5:00 am and drove back to Maine. We got back to UNE at 8:00...to be welcomed as the famous crazy people who left UNE at 10...because there is no life here after 11 at night...on a weekend. But one cool thing that we noticed was that people were playing frisbee at 5 in the morning at uconn...too bad we had to get back so that Suzi could work...but all in all it was a good weekend. Well I have also decided what I am going to do with my life now. I think i am going to stay here for another semester and then transfer to Uconn and change my major to Environmental Science with a minor in Political science.....UNE is going up to over $30,000 per year and it really seems worthless to spend that much to go here when I could be going to a much better school, for my major for less than $10,000....but yeah that is what i am thinking...and now I am off to sleep
More later!!

~A

Post

I dont know
		10:36pm 05/04/2004
	I don't have any clue what I feel. I am so sick and tired of feeling numb to the world. Behind what may seem to be a lonesome sad face is really a happy, intelligent person. This dosen't even make sense....well yeah, there are so many times that I wish I didnt got to this school. I love the people and the location, but yet at the same time I cant stand it. The people are great, except they cant keep their mouths shut, it seems like a gossiping disease has plagued the campus worse then cholera would if sodexo ever decided to serve sushi. So yeah on another note...today is the first night of passover, I wish I could go to my dad's house to see the family, but yet again I go to the University of New England, where their idea of diversity is having both Protestants and Catholics...so yeah no understanding there. But yeah there is my bitching for the night A
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First entry
		06:55pm 05/04/2004
	So yeah...
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	thebrokenplate
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