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Blurty for Depressed A$$hole.
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| Monday, May 12th, 2003 |
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Well.. throughout the last day my world went from bad to worse... Because of recent events, ive seriously considered being all out gay, either that or just never being with a woman again. What I thought was fine and gone, popped up again and made my life living hell again. Its like every time things start to get a little bit better, something comes along and makes it twice as bad as it was before. Its really a good thing that I dont believe in god, because otherwise, in recent days, my belief would have been totally and completely demolished. Since yesterday I wish there was a way I could just disappear without anyone missing me, because the only other way I can seem to leave my problems is die, and that doesnt work too well. And since it really doesnt matter what I think im just gonna sit here through this whole thing and say "FUCK" but thats ok. Off to think of how badly I fucked my life up again, The Fuckup |
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2003 |
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Lets see. Life... Life has been going pretty shitty. My parents hate me for everything I am, and its only because i had a 2.47 this nine weeks the other day, and now its a 2.6. The fact that they hate me over that scares me, because if I ever tell them that im bisexual I think they might just go jump off a building or something. Anyways, back to life... my parents have supposedly grounded me until im 18. That supposedly means no social life, no computer, no phone, and worst of all, no Jenni >_<. The good part is that im kissing major ass right now to get back on my moms good side, and its kinda working. Everything will hopefully work out, and ill be off the hook sometime during the summer. Today was interesting... I log onto my blurty, and see Sara's new entry... im glad to see that shes joining us in our fucked up way of life ^^. Not that she will be as bad as me... but atleast shes done it once finally ^^. Im so happy for her, and I hope she actually gets some good sex next time, cause she obviously had a faulty guy this time. My advice to Sara... if it doesnt work, send it back. In other words, FIND A GUY THATS BETTER IN BED. Thats all theyre good for anyways, youll find that out eventually. And yes everyone, I know im male, but im not a guy... not mentally anyways. Either that sara, or the other sex sometimes works... its worth a try... :-D Anyways, thats about all I have to report other than the fact that im horny, but everyone knows that, cause I always am... Love always, The Femmie |
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| Thursday, April 24th, 2003 |
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I havent posted in a long long time. I just havent had the time, ive been trying to make things work and be right, but it doesnt seem to work too well. All I feel right now is dead. Life is a pile of shit, but not just any pile of shit, a steaming rotting pile of shit that smells so bad you feel like youre going to die. Cause thats how i feel. Like im going to die. I only wish I could change the way things are. The way I am. Then maybe things could work. But I cant, so they wont. Im just doomed, as I always have said, to be alone. Jenni just called me back as I was writing this to inform me that I need some space so shes not talking to me until monday. LIKE THAT HELPS HOW MUCH SHIT I FEEL LIKE AT ALL. And after all this she still wonders why I dont like to tell people my feelings?!?! I feel so special now, because until monday i get to cry myself to sleep, YAY! Since I was in tears as soon as she told me she wasnt talking to me until monday, and I still am, I know I will. So, today at school was shit, she was mad at me because I supposedly didnt talk to her a lot (which i didnt because I was still mad at her for things she does that she knows I dont like) and then when I did talk to her, she said she was too busy doing work. But, then a little while later she sat there staring at me, and messing around. Yeah, really busy... NOT! The worst part was, when we were on the phone, and she siad she would leave, I told her if she wanted to that bad, she could. I didnt mean that, but I said that because I was hurt so badly. I dont want her to leave, and if she does I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life, but deep down inside I guess if she wants to i'll let her. So now im sitting here, alone, wondering if I should do the horrible things im thinking about. And im sure I will once my parents leave, and im alone, since pain is the only way to get rid of emotional pain for me. And since Jenni isnt talking till me until monday, I might have quite a few scars, but oh well, its only physical. Emily is trying to help me, and its making me feel a lot better than I did. Im glad to have a friend like Emily around. After she got over the Erin thing, she has always been there for me, and im trying to always be there for her. I hope we can get to be better friends, because I really enjoy talking to, and being around her. Off to go think again, and unfortunately do those things I have to do to stop the pain. Most likely be posting my shit again, since im going to be going through a lot of it in the next while, I can tell. OOOH! just thought of something, I might have to go have something to drink, the alcohol normally makes me feel a bit better when im cutting myself! Woohoo! Ok, now im really off, post back soon. |
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| Tuesday, February 25th, 2003 |
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i havent had a working laptop for a while, and its my only computer i can use, so i havent been updating much as you can see. I still dont have it, i just stole my sweetheart's laptop for the night :-p life has been pretty shitty, as always, but i now have my Jenni to keep me happy and... alive we could say. having lots of family issues... really bad ones... so my life is going to be shit for the next while. If I didnt have my Jenni, I probably would not be alive, but oh well, things will work out... they'd better. |
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| Tuesday, February 11th, 2003 |
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| I have decided not to show emotion anymore. Any emotion other than happy seems to upset people. I wish I had some drugs to make me happy all the time, cause I cant seem to fake my emotion that much. I feel the exact opposite of happy, but im now going to pretend like I am all the time. Hopefully now I wont hurt Jenni so much. | ||||||
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| Monday, February 10th, 2003 |
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| This entry has been taken out for personal reasons. | ||
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| This entry has been taken out for personal reasons. | ||
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| Monday, February 3rd, 2003 |
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The past few days have been ok... i guess... Friday, "someone" stayed over and all we did was cuddle... which was still great. But of course, there always has to be something wrong on the good days. My dad decided today was one of his bitching days, so we had to hear him bitch at us the whole way home from NetFX. Saturday, I woke up about 9, "someone" at my side ^.^ and didnt want to get up... do i didnt. I cudled there until about 9:30. We then got ready to go to Rocky's. We were planning to be there at noon, but thanks to my dad again, we didnt get there until almost 2! That was ok though, no one else got there until 5, so we just got in a lot of practice until then. Robbie was getting a little on my nerves by getting a little close, but I eventually decided to ignore it. Jenni seemed to get upset by me going outside with Robbie when he had a cigarette, which surprised me. I was a little shocked that she thought I would do anything other than talk... but oh well. Sunday wasnt actually that bad... I woke up at 8:30 and called my Jenni ^.^ I talked to her until lunch, since my mom made me come down and eat. During the day I was playing Bloodrayne... and well... damn! thats all I have to say... only few people know what I mean by that, but thats ok. I watched '40 days and 40 nights' at 11 when I got off the phone again with Jenni. I thought it was a pretty good movie, and at one point I was actually considering the same thing, just to get a lot of stuff off my mind, but I didnt think i had the will power to do it, hehe. Well, theres one of the best weekends of my life for you, im going to school now so i can see Jenni ^.^ |
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| Tuesday, January 28th, 2003 |
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Im sitting in History right now, and it seems the unpure part of my mind is taking control. Today, all day, people have been saying everyday things that my mind twists into sick thoughts, and they seem to be making me extremely... horny. One these days its not gonna be good... im gonna go back to my thoughts, and im gonna try to clear my mind of all these bad thoughts!!! theyre not good!!! |
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| Monday, January 27th, 2003 |
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Well... today i was so bored that i decided to work on my portfolio website. I just decided to do all this while I was waiting for Jenni to get home from her soccer game. I wasn't even expecting her to get home in time to talk to me, so when she got home early I was so happy ^.^ I'm really tired.. among other things.. so im gonna sleep now, see you all later. |
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Hello again everyone. I was sitting here, really happy, just thinking about Jenni, when I found this really beautiful quote that made me start to cry. I figured, for all those of you who havent seen it, here it is: If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing... Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away... And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Anyways, im going to sleep now, I dont want to miss school tomorrow, Jenni would kill me, hehe. I love you Jenni, youre always in my dreams. |
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| Sunday, January 26th, 2003 |
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I would have to say that last night was the best night of my life!!! (so far that is) I went to homecoming last night with Jenni. I dont normally go to school dances (because of an unfortunate incident that happened to me at a school dance once), so if it werent for Jenni I wouldnt have gone. Jenni looked beautiful, as always, but she didnt seem to believe me. I suck at dancing, so all we really danced to were the slow songs, which wasnt bad since i got to hold her close ^.^ The only thing that would have made that night better would have been seeing Paul that night. He was all alone at home, I hope hes gonna be ok. Well... there would have been other things... but you know... Anyways, thats all for now, see you later. |
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| Sunday, January 19th, 2003 |
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| Today has to have been the best day of my life!!! I woke up today feeling great. At noon i went to Rocky's Replay, and met up with my favorite person in the world (Jenni for those of you who arent smart enough to figure it out). I finally got to meet Robbie too. I know Jenni doesnt like it, but i find him really good looking. I got to hold Jenni today, it was so nice to actually be able to hold her in my arms. I only wish i could do it more often. Oh well...i guess ive got to wait till some other time to do it again... >_ | ||||||
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| Friday, January 17th, 2003 |
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Jenni went to bed...and i was bored...so i took a quiz. For those of you who know me, this should be no surprise:
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| Wednesday, January 15th, 2003 |
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Blurty for Depressed A$$hole.
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guilty.
distressed.
indescribable.
horny.
accomplished.
touched.