multi fascited   
04:44pm 18/04/2004
 
mood: NOT productive
music: December- Collective Soul
I WISH MOTIVATION WAS TANGIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED A PHYSICAL PUSH TO GET ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES NUERONS TO GET DONE!!!!!! homework homework work home workhome work rokw mohe.. its moot
 
     

(booties)

 
key   
11:59pm 07/04/2004
 
mood: worn
music: "Beautiful Day"-U2
Do you ever go to bed at night and hope that you wont wake up until the next momentous event in your life occurs? I find that to be a rather common feeling lately. Like, I dont want to deal with any empty space or "alone" time... and not even because i want to be active or surround myself with people, but more because im scared to be left alone with my thoughts... not by any means in a way that i have some sort of "shining" or scary,out of normal persona-type thoughts that come into my head, but rather because of my extreme harsh judgement. And of course everyone's toughest critic is themselves, but "myself" makes me hurt and makes me feel completely emotionally worn out. I severely analyze every word that ive said through the course of every day, and how it was reacted to, I then proceed to venture into the idea of how a more intelligent person, or a more witty person, or a more socially successful person wouldve handled that situation. Its becoming such a part of everything i do.. almost as though its a separate entity that is somehow interfering, now, into my social life where i find myself criticizing the comments i make while in the process of making them. In the past five weeks, i have gone through a complete emotional breakdown in public about 3 times, blaming it on what i claim to be "internal conflict".. which i suppose it is.. but it scares me that im not fully aware as to what causes its potency to slip out of my mental control. It terrifies me that there are elements of internal conflict which full meanings i cant attain. However, i think my constant self criticism might just scare me a little bit more. shall i choose an emotional beat down?..or what i feel to be, complete vulnerability..? is there even a choice..? im not quite sure what im saying anymore, i think i need some other thoughts to occupy my mind.
 
     

(1 sat on their | booties)

 
"What should i have for breakfast?"-Elise Nicole Mesa   
11:17am 21/03/2004
 
mood: disappointed
music: "One Thing"-Finger Eleven
People really surprise me sometimes. I find it to be a very strange occurance when you think you know someone so well, but can still manage to be so drastically surprised by something they do or the way they act. I was told to update my blurty.. im not feeling very creative
 
     

(2 sat on theirs | booties)

 
I'm horny!   
05:35pm 16/03/2004
 
mood: horny
music: YOU AND ME BABY AIN'T NOTHIN BUT MAMMALS!
and I'm BACK IN ACTION
 
     

(1 sat on their | booties)

 
im almost 18!   
10:24am 28/02/2004
 
mood: thirsty
music: Van Morrison- "Moondance"
grr. The Passion of The Christ. My friend works at a movie theater and i saw a screening of the movie on monday.. before its public release on wednesday.I suppose i shall not give complete detail of my opinions.. but I'm just feeling a little irritated/inquisitive. I am so sick of the extreme view points of this movie. Everyone gives it either an "A+" or an "F" (about 85% gave the "A+"). Mel Gibson was denied making this film for Paramount because they didn't want to take the extreme controversial risk, because in the view of our close-minded society.. the common response was completely indeterminable. Mel Gibson attained from this denial that if this "expression" would be so controversial.. it must definitely be worth conveying. He immediately got to work.. keeping in mind the intense controversial and disturbing element of the film.. but also keeping in mind that it was.. a MOVIE, which needed movie appeal. I read a review that compared this movie to "The Clash of the Titans".. which i thought was very understandable, yet a much more mild approach to a historical event. I went in to this movie willing to view it through every stand point i could think of. I was born Jewish.. i don't practice Judaism in any way, however, i still understand the basic principles. In the process of questioning my religion I found it fascinating to explore others.. namely Catholicism.. which i very often compared to polytheism.. which is not that much a like in principle.. but very similar in theory, in that the human mind was blind to what it wanted not to examine. This film depicted Jesus Christ's death in a very brutal, cruel, and saddening way. I felt bad for a human being.. who's only crime was being so passionate about what he believed in.. or what he wanted to "give" to human kind.. that he willingly suffered and was brutalized for it. The surrounding believers were touching only because they did not feel it necessary for him to be so horrendously murdered.. this didn't mean that the by-standers were good and pure because they believed that this man was the son of god.. but merely that they weren't inhumane sickening barbarians. Christians that walked into this movie preparing to be so deeply moved by what they already knew.. and wanted to view as real as they could on screen, got what they wanted.It was anti-Semitic if you walked in expecting an anti-semitic approach. I don't think that this movie offered anything to either side of the spectrum. Christians watching this movie already had in the back of their head, the idea that it was Jesus.. and that the bible's "story" was accurately displayed on film.. For those that didn't have much knowledge on it.. they were viewing a man being dehumanized in a terrible manner.. with an unnecessary amount of bloodshed.. and a lack of story or explanation or belief motive. who was this man? I don't think this movie was thought provoking.. or controversial.. but just kinda there.. just a story that everyone knows being explicitly displayed on the big screen.. with varying intensity or power. In french class I was talking about what i thought of it.. and after i gave my opinion, a boy next to me said "see, thats why i don't waste time with stuff like that". Waste time with stuff like that? what does that mean? waste time on the chance to experience controversy? waste time on understanding difference of opinion? how will you ever grow.. or ever believe in what you believe.. or ever even have an opinion if you don't know and make it a point to gain as much knowledge or view point as you can.. it just seemed like the most illogical comment i'd ever heard. People are so hard to understand.. i think it would be beneficial to all of society.. if they'd open their eyes a little bit more.
 
     

(4 sat on theirs | booties)

 
box   
10:32am 16/02/2004
 
mood: indescribable
music: Damien Rice- Older Chests
Sometimes I find life so fascinating. Its so strange how you can view reality as reality..or sometimes not even acknowledge it as reality at all.. Like, I can look at the world and see so much promise which fades into security.. which fades into routine. And i can still appreciate it and realize that there is so much out there and so much to love and so much to experience on this large, but somewhat confined spectrum. But, then i can look at the immense beauty of one night.. in one house.. with only 2 people and it is the most truthful, beautiful, amazing thing that (at the time) the world could ever possibly offer. Last night, me and Lara spent the night a Mick's house. Mick drank about 9 beers and a shot of scotch any time i wasn't there to hide it from him. Lara and I were completely sober. It was so strange to just view someones emotional enhancement roller coaster, but not awkward in the least. Lara and i have this absolutely phenomenal relationship that very often makes me cry. We have this connection where we know what each other is going to say before we say it, and what we're going to do before we do it and every prior thought process behind the actions we take. Our opinions are almost identical, though our way of expressing them is what give us our own intriguing and unique personalities. In most cases, this type of relationship would cause two people to clash, completely, and even though they might still have a strong connection, their constant likenesses would be intolerable to each other. But i love her so much.. and i know she loves me.. and our connection is so intense that sometimes i love her so much that i hate her, which sounds cliche but is so true and so unexplainable. Every time I'm with her or talk to her or "feel" our connection i feel as though all of my emotions rush to the center of my chest and tense up and fill me with this immense feeling of want and need and purpose. She makes life seem so much more beautiful and worth living. Last night I felt as though that span of 6 hours could've been the extent of my entire life and i would have been completely content and satisfied with it. And.. although Mick was the only one that was intoxicated.. we didn't notice or feel out of place.. because this extreme emotional enhancement that was caused by alcohol for him.. was caused by the mere connection existing between us.
 
     

(6 sat on theirs | booties)

 
tactics   
07:54pm 02/02/2004
 
mood: complacent
I was never really "attracted" to him in any way. I dont really think it was ever a "looks thing" or even character flaw. He was very indecisive and weak in his ability to maintain truth. The most poinient physical display of his, in my mind was his typical "awkward silence filler". Any time confronted with someone of higher stature or even someone of no matter at all.. he'd hide behind his inhibitions and let the speaker's opinion mold him into whatever would be a pleasing response. There'd always be a yawn. Exhaling as loud and soothing and farmiliar as a yawn could be, yet always, to my ears, intollerably fake. Silence completely lost its beauty and truth with the yawn, displaying to the entire room his feeling of misplacement and lack of confidence. Walking along the street kicking sand up from the ground and onto bare, natural feet, a friend exposed his minds offerings.. but they were not taken in, but rather, questioned. i heard the sound of real air filling real lungs.. and i felt myself beginning to blush.
 
     

(2 sat on theirs | booties)

 
what is it for?   
06:01am 02/02/2004
 
mood: worried
i havent had a "real" class since 9th grade, and now i have 3. i have been up since 4 o'clock in the morning because im too freaking lazy to have done my homework this weekend. what the hell is wrong with me? i feel like i cant handle these classes, and not because im lazy, but what if im just not smart enough. i think im so lazy because im scared i might try hard and figure out that it wasnt my laziness that was holding me back, but just the fact that im not intelligent enough. im so so scared, like to the point of crying. i dont know what to do. maybe i just need a little time to warm up to having a real class again. i hope so. what if i cant? what if i fail all of my classes and then cant go to college or what if i just do what i "need" to do to "get by". i dont want to just "get by" i want to do it. i want to do all that i can do. but what if im not good enough? im so so scared of being ..stupid.
 
     

(1 sat on their | booties)

 
tainted love   
03:39pm 25/01/2004
  i hate not being able to communicate with a human being. I think interaction is one of things in life that makes me happiest and i feel that this "blurty" holds me back from conveying my feelings to an actual person who can give their own insight and varying opinions to whatever it is that i talk about. The only thing i'd ever be tempted to talk about on a "blurty" would be very vague and inquisitive, in which case, actually talking to someone would leave an oppurtunity for more questions to arrise or opinions to discuss. i think without that listening and response to my feelings it would gradually make me a more closed-off person. I find that sometimes i am unable to express myself through my words but by putting my feelings into a computer for all to read i am not only hiding behind that sparatic inability to express myself by i am also taking away all personal elements of the way i feel, and i believe that everything, no matter how hard it is to convey, should start by being personal.  
     

(3 sat on theirs | booties)

 
   
12:35pm 25/01/2004
  I AM THE MASTER OF DRIVE..ASTER...!  
     

(booties)

 
cars and animals   
09:54am 25/01/2004
  i have this stupid drving test today, im going to be 18 in a freaking month and i have NO idea how to drive, i mean i can drive around the neighboorhood (..woohoo) and im SOOOO uncomfortable and nervous..oh... and uh.. animals are kinda fun.  
     

(1 sat on their | booties)

 
   
05:35pm 24/01/2004
  hi  
     

(1 sat on their | booties)