fuck love....   
09:34pm 16/03/2004
mood: contemplative
music: the cosby show
am i really that unlovable????? I really just don't get it.I'm one of the least conceited people you'll ever meet but I know what my good qualities and while I am defintely not perfect I am lovable in my opionon(I know i spelled that wrong but i don't care).I've been dating this guy Shawn for about three month's now and just....ughh....i don't even know how to put what i'm thinking and feeling into words and thats why it's so hard to talk about.I used to think me and him were different....we've known each other for about 7 month's and for about four of those month's we were just friends...not just friends...best friends....we went every where together...called each other all the time when we weren't together...everyone referred to us as ceitlin and shawn or shawn and ceitlin never just one or the other, even when we were "just friends".We had and still have everything in common....we just "get" each other I guess.But I know alot about how him and his last serious relationship was and i see how he was w/ her and then how he is w/ me and its just different....not good different either as far as I'm concerned.They might not have been meant to be together but he treated her like they were.I once read a letter he wrote her and it just made my heart ache.....he sounded like he couldn't do anything w/ out thinking of her and how he couldn't live w/ out her and he's never once talked to me like he did to her in that letter and that just hurts. Then I spent the night hanging out w/ our mutual friend Mike and that just made things worse. He told me how Bri and Shawn were when they dated and how they couldn't keep their hands off each other and how they were ALWAYS together and how he used to WALK to her house EVERY day and that just made my heart ache more.....I want to be the one who Shawn can't go one second w/ out thinking about and I want to be the one who shawn can't live w/ out...he is that one for me and thats why its sooo hard for me to think about actually breaking it off w/ him. Whenever we said I love you and talked about being together forever and getting married I meant it.Whenever big life decisions have been thrown at me the past several month's i've always thought how it would affect "us", not me,not him,US.He doesn't seem to do that he thinks as it being his decision and his life only.Maybe we just see things differently but to me if you REALLY loved and cared about someone and they really were "the one" then i think things like that would be automatic and it would just come to you to think of things like that as "us" and not just yourself.I always have when it comes to shawn....I really do love him and I really do feel like I couldn't breath w/ out knowing he's w/ me.It literally breaks my heart to think about ending it w/ him but I can't keep living my life for someone who might not being doing the same.I need to get MY LIFE together on my own and figure shit out. I do know one thing though...I know i have a tendenacy to act like I'm not much of a romantic but I really am.I need someone who just surprises me w/ gifts and flowers and little love notes every once in a while.To me thats part of what being in love is.It's constantly doing things the other person likes because all you want is to make that person happy. I'm not saying live for that person and forget who you are but do things that make them happy. Whenever i make shawn happy that makes me happy. I love him and i don't want this to end but I know my needs and i can't keep doing this.
01:40am 04/03/2004
mood: tired
i'm surprised this thing is still here.... haven't used it in forever....
09:32pm 20/10/2003
mood: pissed off
I'm so fucking sick of guys!!!!......Why can't I get a guy who says he cares about me and actually shows it.Words don't mean shit to me,its your actions that show how you feel.You don't fucking say I'll brb and then go talk to your asshole friend who you can talk to practically whenever and not come back until I say something about it.You don't fucking choose jacking off over talking to me. At least not if you give a damn....
09:50pm 04/09/2003
mood: pleased
music: Adema cd
so yeah.....I haven't updated in forever.There's some new stuff goin on I guess.I started school and its alot cooler than I was expecting it to be.I actually kind of like going now....except today when I skipped 4th period w/ Shawn,Ashley, and Rebecca.lol.It was fun though.I also have a boyfriend...his name is Josiah.He's pretty cute,he looks like Steve-O from Jackass only Josiah's skinnier.He's a frickin' stick man...I feel like such a cow going out w/ someone that skinny but oh well,I'll get over it.He was acting kinda weird today at lunch when I told him I was skipping so I don't know if he was mad that he wasn't going or if something else was bothering him.He has this habit of running off to hang out w/ his friends and ditching me which really pissed me off today but I haven't said anything to him about it because its probably just a stupid high school guy thing that even if I talk to him it won't change anything.So....yeah.I'm tired of having fucked up relationships and I really want to try to make this one work.The whole Bill thing is over because I found out he's been trying to get back w/ his ex behind my back.I find it kind of interesting how he bitched at me about hiding things from him and kept going on and on about how he tells me everything and I should do the same and shit but then the very next day I find this shit out..........FUCKIN' LYING PIECE OF SHIT.From the sounds of it not even his ex wants him back.I wonder why,William.........But yeah anywayz.Besides that everything is going really good and I'm glad all the negative energy is out of my life for right now....I'm doing good in school,actually going to school(HAHA),have a boyfriend who for the most part everything is going really well w/,meeting some pretty cool people,have a cool job.....yeah I'd say I'm doin' pretty damn good right now.
     Read 1 - Post
That's my boss...I'm redneck undercover w/ my guitar here ready to play   
09:09pm 05/08/2003
  Dude,I've been working so much lately....I worked saturday, monday, today, then tomorrow, friday, saturday, monday and who knows what else.Its good though I REALLY need the hours.I have to buy school clothes and clothes are expensive man.Plus I have to put an extra twenty bucks in the bank because of my mom making me get money out for stupid crap.Luckily found my new favorite store...Target...haha...they have some nice stuff for cheap and thats exactly what I need.On Friday when I get paid I'm going to go there and buy a pair of jeans and a skirt I saw tonight that I really liked and the jeans were on sale so hey.Anywayz.I'm going to try to get my haircut this weekend, maybe early Saturday morning before I go to work.Oh, that's another thing I have to spend money on getting my hair dyed and cut because having me try to put highlights in my own hair is just a disaster waiting to happen.I want to get plugs too but I think I'll wait for that...maybe somtime after school starts when I have a pretty good amount of money in the bank.......................................... My dog Georgi is sick:( she was just laying around acting really weird for her this morning because usually she's really hyper and running all over the place,and she hadn't eaten in two or three days and wouldn't drink anything either, plus she had alot of blood in her urine which is NEVER good, so my mom took her to the vet today and we found out she has a intestine problem,but luckily its minor and it can taken care of and the vet said we should be able to bring her home tomorrow. I almost cryed when I found out because I already lost one dog from having it get really sick, I don't know what I would do if I lost my Georgi too.But anyways.Happy Happy thoughts. My uncle and cousin are gone so now its just back to normal w/ the occasional grandma run in but thats alright so far I guess.

I'm done.
     Read 3 - Post
11:48pm 02/08/2003
mood: giggly
STOP sleepin' all the damn time! I had funny stuff to tell you and now by the time I talk to you I will have forgotten.

P.S.I'm not mad incase after reading this you think I am...love ya....I'm going to bed now.
long day....   
08:50pm 02/08/2003
mood: geeky
My family's here and I found out that I'm cool enough to be talked about behind my back at work...

P.S.My uncle pushed me into the gatorade at Walmart...
04:30pm 01/08/2003
mood: full
I HATE fighting w/ you...



I think we should go back to the second one.........love you
     Read 2 - Post
02:32pm 01/08/2003
mood: discontent
can i be someone else?...I don't like being Ceitlin anymore.

I probably won't be online much this week because of my grandma,uncle,and freakin' cousin.
My throat itches.......   
09:14am 01/08/2003
mood: hungry
Maybe I'm just being needy
Maybe I'm just being dramatic
Whatever it is I wish this feeling would go away.
04:48pm 31/07/2003
mood: anxious
music: Evanescence cd
I have to close tonight because I took Rebecca's shift.............
12:59am 29/07/2003
mood: drained
Had to work tonight and I didn't get out until 12:30 which was an hour after the time I was supposed to get out.Plus I had to close Studio Eats and I had no fucking clue what I was doing so......that sucked.This guy tryed to ask me out and wouldn't leave me alone until I finally just said that I had a boyfriend and then he was like oh really okay and finally shut the hell up.OH MAN.....this guy from smackdown came into the theatre tonight.Kori told me his name was A-train but I wouldn't know since I don't really watch wrestling but damn he was HUGE! HaHa.Anywayz.I wanted to talk to Bill but he's not on damnit.
12:44am 28/07/2003
mood: pissed off
i tired of dealing w/ my life and all the bullshit thats consistently in it.........
being sick and stuck in the house sucks ass....   
06:19pm 27/07/2003
mood: hot
Age you hope to be married: not later than 26 hopefully
What would be your Dream Wedding: the beach.

What do you want to be when you grow up: I want to be everything. I hate thinking about limiting myself to one thing. there’s sooo many things I want to do. but mostly a mama. and a damn good one.

What country would you most like to visit: italy or australia

Current Clothes: some jeans and a grey shirt my brother got me from thailand

Current Mood: sick of being sick

Current Taste: gatorade

Current Hair: tied up in a bun cause i'm lazy

Current Annoyance: not having enough money to buy a car

Current Smell: adida's cologne

Current thing you ought to be doing: taking some tylenol for my headache

Current Desktop Picture: some forest thing my mom put on it

Current Favorite Groups: eh

Current Worry: school and what its gonna be like w/ my grandma here

Current Crush: bill

opposite sex:

Best eye color: dark brown or light green.

Best hair color: dark.

Short or long hair: short. messy.

Best personality trait: his.

Best height: anything over 6ft is good

Best articles of clothing: boxers

Best first date location: doesn't matter as long as its fun

Best first kiss location: does't matter as long as it happens

What's the first thing you remember wanting to be when you grew up?

Describe a dream you remember. The first one that comes to mind:
being chased by that creepy guy from the poltergeist

What book are you reading?
I’m not.

What colour are your sheets?
winnie the pooh. DON'T LAUGH!

What song is in your head right now?
no song

Waitaminnit... Where are you?
not where I want to be.

I am afraid of...:

Your day job/dream job:
being a stay at home mom......i've never been big on jobs.haha.but if not that then something where i could travel all over.

What movie have you seen the most times?
either ferris buellar's day off or dirty dancing.

One question for Jesus, or Buddha or Muhammed, etc:

The guilty pleasure you'd really rather not admit to here:
rap music

Comfort food of choice:

What's the last video you rented?
final destination2 and some other one i forgot.

Who do people say you look like?
someone told me i look like julia stiles once but i don't see it.

Where would you like to grow old?
i'm not sure about the where part but w/ bill

The question you get asked ALL THE TIME!!!:
“did that hurt?” (pointing to either my tattoo or my eyebrow ring) or "how do you say your name?"...I HATE THAT. its CAITLIN people not SEATLIN

Your favourite season:
late spring/early summer or middle of winter when everything's covered in snow

In my last lifetime I was probably:
a selfish bitch

1.) If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to?
not all one person. it would be split up.

2. Who is the one person that you could stand spending a straight 24 hours with and not get the slightest bit annoyed with? either bill or nina

3. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change(personality and looks)?
personality- to be more patient. looks- too many things to pick just one

4. What is the one thing you just have to do before you die?
go to australia

5. If you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars?
buy a car.move. save. invest. shop.

6. What do you want people to say about you when you die?
“that girl was a BITCH!” ;)..haha...i don't know

7. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
5 to 10 minutes if i've already showered and about 30 if i haven't

8. What would you like to be reincarnated as?
same girl different family

9. Do you make fun of your friends?
all the time

10. Do you enjoy talking to your self?

11. What's your biggest fear?
lets not go there

12. What would you have liked to be named?
i like my name......but i was almost a meredith

13. What's your most prized possesion?
I dunno.

14. What songs bring back the most memories?
too many and they hurt so no. I’m not thinking about it.

15. What's the largest organ in the human body?
i wish bill was the largest organ in my body..hehe... ;)

16. Do you have a bar trick?
I don’t do “bars.”

17. Could a pack of wolves done a better job raising you than your parents?
I consider my mom to be a pack of wolves.

18. What do you look for in the opposite sex?
someone who can make me laugh. and has dark hair and is taller than me

19. If you were given one day to live what would you do?

21. What's your best physical feature?
I dunno you tell me.

22. What's your summer job?
its not really a summer job but tinseltown baby

23. What was the worst punishment your parents inflicted?
lets not go here either

24. What have you learned about love?
nothing I didn’t already know. it’s not as hard as people make it out to be to understand.

25. How have you changed in the past year?
i'm not sure....but i know i have

26. What's your way of escaping reality?
sleeping or listening to music

27. What hair problems have you had?
it being too straight and never staying the color that i want it to be

28. Can you do anything related to gymnastics or whatever?
feet behind my head???

29. What's the most annoying thing people tell you about you?
that i speak my mind too much and should try to show respect even if i don't mean it which i think is bullshit and i will never do
30. Have you met any celebrities?
12:24pm 27/07/2003
mood: sick
1. What is your name? Ceitlin
2. Age? 16
3. How old do you look? i've been told 17-19
4. How old do you act? depending on my mood it ranges from 7 to 30 haha
5. What is the last song you sang? "when i'm gone"-3 doors down
6. Have you recently become a member of anything?blurty???
7. What did you do yesterday? woke up at about noon i think,took a shower,ate wendy's,went to work,then to subway and target,then back to work,then home and i talked to bill
9. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed? closed.
10. What is the sexiest thing about the opposite sex?eye's or lips
11. Do you sing in the shower? yes!
12. Are you in love with anyone right now? yes
13. Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it? yeah to my dad cause i feel bad if i don't say it back
14. Does anything on your body itch right now? my head.........
15. What color is the carpet in your bedroom? brownish beigeish
16. Have you ever had a member of the opposite sex in your room? HAHA YES!
17. If your house was on fire and you could only save one thing, what would you save? my homies
18. Who was your first best friend? this boy luke when i was 2
19. Who is the next person you'll buy a birthday gift for? my brother
20. What's your favorite number? 21.
21. Have you ever gotten detention, if so what for? yes for being a smart ass and talking back
22. What is your fave place to go on vacation? florida
23. Have you ever given/received head?: haha yea
24. Do you like playing truth or dare?: not since middle school
25. How many times a week do you bathe?: 7, sometimes more
26. Perfect wedding song? hmmm....i'll have to think about that one
27. Do you have a boy/girl friend? no
28. What is your deepest, darkest secret? if I told you it wouldn’t be my deepest darkest secret.
29. Funniest joke you ever heard? tooo manyyyy.
30. Saddest movie? the pianist
31. Last movie you saw in the theatre? LXG
32. When's the last time you rode a bike? years ago.
33. Who is the last person who asked for your phone number? kyle????
34. What is it like outside? sunny but wet cause it rained last night
35. Last show you went to? hmmm....i don't remember.its been a long time
36. Next show you are going to? i don't know.....my parents are weird about letting me go to concerts and stuff
37. Have you ever had phone sex? no............
38. Do you know how to wash clothing?yeah,no bill i won't do your laundry,haha,j/k
39. Do you have any piercings? yea but i want more
40. What do you wear to work? the uniform that they make me wear
41. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? yep.
42. Food you can't live without? starbucks, its not food but still
43. Do you own handcuffs? no
44. Do you like your friends? HAHA yea.
45. Are you a flirt? yeah
46. Do you miss anyone right now? bill
47. Are you very ticklish?: very very very
48. Would you ever go skinny-dipping? yeah
49. Have you ever kissed someone you weren't going out with? yeah
dum de dum de dum.....   
01:31pm 26/07/2003
mood: chipper
Waiting til its time to go to work is so boring.I feel like I'm about to faint cause I haven't eaten in a while.I got my 3 month evaluation last night at work.It was bullshit but I wasn't surprised considering conners was the one who filled it out. It said stuff about how they had to keep telling me to take out my eyebrow ring which was way back when I first started working there. I swear they are sooooooooo two-faced.I told them when they interviewed me before I even started that I had just gotten it done and wouldn't be able to take it out for very long for another couple weeks and that the reason why I wore my barbell instead of a retainer was cause I had been to like 5 different places and all of them were out and the managers told me that other people who have their eyebrow pierced were saying the same thing so they KNOW I wasn't just making shit up because I was lazy and hadn't gone and gotten one yet.BUT then they go and put it in my eval. Ugh,this is why I'm probably not a big people person.Stupid bitches. But anywayz.I talked to my mom today.She's alot happier and easy to talk to when she's in a completely different state.Hmmm....today is Ms.TitsandAss's last day and then Aug.13th is Conners' last day.I'm happy.
09:25am 26/07/2003
mood: awake
music: All-American Rejects
09:03am 26/07/2003
mood: crappy

you're girl, interrupted. you're fun and friendly, and just a little bit crazy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the slinkstercool community.
01:37pm 25/07/2003
mood: crushed
10:30pm 24/07/2003
mood: rejected
guys suck............