It didn't matter in the end how old they had been, or that they were girls, but only that we had loved them, and that they hadn't heard us call; still did not hear us, up here in the tree house, with our thinning hair and soft bellies, calling out of those rooms where they went to be alone for all time, alone in suicide, which is deeper than death, and where we will never find the pieces to put them back together. ...this is the story of a girl. that girl is me. The.Hills.And.Windmills.Of.Cazenovia ♥悲劇的愛this tragic love... we must succumb to the feelings we can never face finding beauty in this concrete jungle... 政治學•politikal ♥ 猩紅色翼•scarlet wings 搶救她•rescue her ♥ 她的資訊•her profile 沈默證人•silent witness ♥ 所有她的文字•all her writings 駕駛•search for her you are looking at ♥ 她的最新的文字•her newest writing follow her footprints ♥ back in time

20 April 2004♥11:39pm mood ♥ worried music ♥ Deftones - "My Own Summer" And everyday it is all the same. These dark streets, the driving rain. The condensation on my window. The 6:20 alarm. The glaring sun rising somewhere ahead of the 7am bus charging along the freeway toward the downtown. And outside the office windows, with all their bars.... The Norfolk pines, the liquid amber trees that never turn amber.... So often I tried to fool myself completely into believing this was another country. So I would have nothing to worry about. But I cannot be satisfied with this reverie for all these years. Sometimes it is like I have nothing left to say. I have already said it all before. Then I find something new to scrutinize... I don't know if I will ever meet my perfect companion. Somebody who has basically no attachment to anything, somebody who is not concerned with MONEY! Never aim to be a debt collector in your life.... Somebody who does not ever want a "home", does not ever want to own a house with all these pointless material possessions. Somebody who only wants to wander the world for all their life, someone who is not afraid of combat photography. I am not talking about a soulmate who I will love for the rest of my life, that does not interest me. It's not the feelings for one another, it's only the understanding that we are driven by exactly the same things. I wish I could still keep in regular contact with a person I met months ago in a political chatroom. Right from the moment I first wrote to him, I felt like he was this person I was searching for. I have never met him. He is an American, a former soldier who lives in South Carolina. I have never even been to South Carolina. How amazing that this person would turn out to be a former soldier...I could never back any military.... Simon was curled up in pain on my bed this evening at about 10pm. He has chronic stomach pains. I feel very sorry for him, but I don't know that there is much that I can do about it. I just shut up (for once, sheesh woman) and gave him some apple juice. And then I said we should go to Saudi Arabia for two months. He shook his head and said nothing. I guess most people reading this would think that I was joking. Why? I could not have been more serious... (Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

24 March 2004♥03:22pm mood ♥ determined music ♥ Linkin Park - "Papercut" It was so lonely last night, sleeping alone, crawling into bed exhausted at 2am. I felt like a ghost as I opened the curtains on my front windows, so I would wake up easier in the morning. In a way I feel guilty for going away, but I cannot live here any longer and still be able to say I am living properly. I feel dead inside my head. He is everything good in my life. Apart from the idea that maybe someday I can escape this place I so hate. Everyday I write these things, it is all the same things, just in different words. Simon and I went to a surf beach on the west coast called Piha a few days ago. There was a yellow sign saying "Danger! No Swimming!" but I longed to just dive into the wild water. I miss hearing the sound of the ocean. There are many riptides at this beach. I took many photographs as we wandered along the beach, of the waves smashing apart on the walls of rock, the huge strands of dried seaweed dumped onto the black sand, the fishermen in their yellow vinyl raincoats, surfcasting off the rocks at the foot of the cliffs, the steps carved into Lion Rock and the life-saving chain driven into the rock itself. So many times I have visited these thoughts and it is always, always the same. It is easier to leave than to be left. (4 Shots | Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

17 March 2004♥01:01am mood ♥ exhausted music ♥ Staind - "Fade" Most people in New Zealand talk of immigrating to Australia at least once in their lives. Except me. I aim higher than just the country "across the ditch", as New Zealanders refer to Australia. But I never belonged here and I have known that for as long as I can remember. From before I even started school and learned that other countries do indeed exist beyond this watery horizon. (Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

03 March 2004♥02:22pm mood ♥ depressed music ♥ Staind - "Mudshovel" I am rarely at home these days yet my boredom has not died at all, like everyone said it would. But it will never be the same as last summer there. There will only ever be that one summer in my mind. (2 Shots | Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

12 February 2004♥12:57am mood ♥ exhausted music ♥ Metallica - "The Unnamed Feeling" Just another victim of the in-house drive-by Hardline, hardline after hardline The tree of democracy shall be watered by the blood of revolution So go plant a seed, plant a seed for harvest I first met you and the ideas you uphold while incarcerated A victim of a social experiment Eventually addicted to your 8-hour injections of hypocrisy and arrogance and greed Forced to sit with complicity in front of my executioners As they bludgeoned me with their so-called superior values and demanded my submission I became an indentured servant in a factory Where I myself was the product Whose useful quality was to protect their palaces Every word uttered from their mouths strangled me So that every thought I express Shall sow the seed for the noose around their necks And set fire to their homes On January 1st, 1994 The indigenous farmers of southern Mexico Declared war on an unjust and illegitimate government Out of the debt of the most wild, the most poor Came a just armed struggle for democracy, justice and liberty And it won't stop until that 65 year old dictatorship, the Partido Revolucionario Institucional is buried in the ground And the people's voice is heard once again They became known as the Zapatista movement and they have a saying: Everything for everyone and nothing for ourselves The freedom to buy things you can never afford The freedom for American Indians to buy corn that once flourished overgrown in their backyards The freedom to die of curable disease I will see my own blood flow before you take my land or my liberty There could never really be justice on stolen land The thin line between entertainment and war The frontline is everywhere, there be no shelter here Trade in your history for a VCR Cinema, simulated life, ill drama Fourth reich culture, Americana Chained to the dream they got you searching for The thin line between entertainment and war American eyes, American eyes, view the world from American eyes Bury the past, rob us blind, leave nothing behind Just stare, relive the nightmare As free-market capitalism and technology expands The third world's fertile soil becomes a desert wasteland Need I say the CIA be Criminals In Action Prominent blacks and whites giving orders for mass slaughters All the assault and battering in the name of intelligence-gathering Your anger is a gift Our freedom or your life Raise my fist and resist Asleep, though we stand in the midst of the war Why stand on a silent platform? Fight the war, fuck the norm When ignorance reigns, life is lost I won't stop because I know the power of the question The status, the elite, the enemy, the rival I'll give you a dose But it'll never come close To the rage built up inside of me Fist in the air, in the land of hypocrisy You better beware of retribution with mind war Now I got no patience So sick of complacence Mind of a revolutionary, so clear the lane The finger to the land of the chains What?! Land of the free?! Whoever told you that is your enemy! Yes I know my enemies They're the teachers who taught me to fight me Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission Ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite All of which are American dreams Just victims of the in-house drive-by They say jump, you say how high Play it again and then rewind the tape And then play it again and again and again Until your mind is locked in Believing all the lies they're telling you Buying all the products they're selling you You're standing in line, believing all the lies You're bowing down to the flag You got a bullet in your head Caught between my culture and the system..genocide The rage is relentless We need a movement with a quickness You are the witness of change And to counteract We got to take the power back I'm inferior? Who's inferior? We need to check the interior Of the system that cares about only one culture And that is why We got to take the power back We have to expose and close the doors on those who try To strangle and mangle the truth I warm my hands upon the flames of the flag As I recall our downfall And the business that burned us all See through the news and the views that twist reality Thoughts from a militant mind Hardline, hardline after hardline The boss's right to live is mine to die I got no property but I'm a piece of it Here comes the hands on the leashes The cross, the capital, the pale families, the fear, the mouthpieces It's my life for their life so call it a free trade A sanctuary that's a fragile American hell An empty dream A selfish, horrific vision Passed on like the deadliest of viruses Crushing you and your naive profession Have no illusions boy Vomit all ideals and serve Sleep and wake and serve And don't think, just wake and serve Pictures of fields without fences Is all the world jails and churches? Weapons, not food, not homes, not shoes Not need, just feed the war cannibal animal I walk to the corner to the rubble that used to be a library Line up to the mind cemetary now What we don't know keeps the contracts alive and moving They remove the books While arms warehouses fill as quick as the cells I'm not the silent one, I'm the defiant one With our flesh and bones The officials build their homes Seize the metropolis It's you it's built on Everything changed on New Year's Day Their existence is a crime Their seat, their robe, their tie, their land deeds, their hired guns They're the crime At last in a Mexican pasture The masked screaming "land or death!" A mass of hands press on the market window Ghosts of progress Dressed in slow death Feeding on hunger And glaring through the promise Upon the food that rots slowly in the aisle A mass of nameless at the oasis That hides the graves beneath the master's hill Buried for drinking The river's water While shackled to the line At the empty well Orwell's hell a terror era coming through The world is my expense The cost of my desire The lie is my expense The scope of my desire I am the noose and the rapist The fields overseer The Agent Orange The priests of Hiroshima The cost of my desire Pick a point on the globe, yes the picture's the same There's a bank, there's a church, a myth and a hearse A mall and a loan, a child dead at birth There's a rebel to tame A white-hooded judge, a syringe and a vein The riot is the rhyme of the unheard There's a mass without roofs A prison to fill There's a country's soul that reads "post no bills" Guerrilla radio, transmission third world war third round The polls close like a casket on truth devoured Was it cast for the mass who burn and toil? Or for the vultures who thirst for blood and oil? The movie ran through me The glamour subdue me The tabloid untie me I'm empty, please fill me Mr. Anchor assure me that Baghdad is burning Your voice, it is so soothing That cunning mantra of killing I need you my witness To dress this up so bloodless To numb me and purge me now Of thoughts of blaming you Yes the car is our wheelchair My witness you're coughing Oily silence mocks the legless Boys who travel now in coffins On the corner the jury's sleepless We found your weakness And it's right outside your door, now testify With precision you feed me My witness I'm hungry Your temple, it calms me So I can carry on My slaving, sweating, the skin right off my bones On a bed of fire I'm choking On the smoke that fills my home The wrecking ball is rushing Witness you're blushing The pipeline is gushing while here we lie in tombs Mass graves for the pump and the price is set Who controls the past now controls the future Who controls the present now controls the past Who controls the past now controls the future Who controls the present now? Asleep, we stand in the midst of a war. (Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

09 February 2004♥12:50am mood ♥ tired music ♥ Metallica - "The Unforgiven" Every single time I hear the thunder of an airplane engine, I look skyward and imagine I am on that plane. (Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

07 January 2004♥01:10am mood ♥ loved music ♥ Thalia - "Baby I'm In Love" I am such a skillful liar. And it makes me feel good that I am so confident in the strength of the elaborate fabrications I make everyone believe. (Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

31 December 2003♥12:58am mood ♥ exhausted music ♥ Jakob - "Nice Day For An Earthquake" Will, where are you? I want to be with you so much that I feel so exhausted I can't get out of bed. You steal all my strength from me but in a way I love you for doing that. Can you even call this struggle "living"? I never feel alive. These melancholy feelings choke out my daylight hours. (Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

29 December 2003♥11:33pm mood ♥ bored music ♥ Hilary Duff - "Where Did I Go Right?" The dreary days in that concrete tower. Everyday I keep getting this scene in my head, I keep remembering the days at the beginning of camp in America when I met Will for the first time and everything was just so beautiful around me, and he made it even more beautiful. The helicopter-shaped sycamore seeds were falling and flying from the trees in the brilliant clear sunlight, turning around and around on their way down. I did not even know what these flying seeds were, I did not even know what sycamore trees looked like when I first saw these flying seeds, but I loved to just sit with Will on the warm grass and look up into the pale blue spring sky and watch them flying on their journey down to the ground. What am I doing stuck all day inside an ugly concrete office tower with all this beauty replaying constantly inside my head? Why am I always tortured with these memories I don't ever want to forget? He could never understand that there is nothing and nobody that could stop me from leaving New Zealand forever. I am yet to meet somebody who wants to escape their wealthy, "first world" Western country more than I do. I am yet to meet somebody who can equal my drive and determination to leave forever. I guess you find someone who somewhat understands the feeling first, then if you are lucky you may find someone who actually wants the same as you do. (Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

29 December 2003♥12:21am mood ♥ tired music ♥ Linkin Park - "One Step Closer" Sometimes I wonder if he has even forgotten who this plain little New Zealand girl is. Every night before I go to sleep I silently ask someone, I don't know who, to let us meet again, if only once more in our lives. If we are like strangers and there is no chemistry between us and the atmosphere is all uncomfortable, I would be sad but I would feel that at least I had a conclusion to our story. If we never meet again then the story will be left incomplete and I will not be satisfied until I know its real ending. (Bullet The Blue Sky) ♥♥ We knew the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to make the noise that seemed to fascinate them. ♥♥

駕駛•search for her you are looking at ♥ 她的最新的文字•her newest writing follow her footprints ♥ back in time