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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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1:47 am - I need a change
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So it's been a really long time since I last wrote in here. I don't think it's necessarily the fact that I'm busy, just lazy. It's pathetic, I know. It's just that nothing ever happens, I mean anything good to write about. I didn't do anything today, it's Saturday, I don't have to! I did go buy Lizzy some cigs. I know, I am a terrible person for helping the youth of America. And umm, I watched Final Destination 2. AWESOME, AWESOME movie. Stuff like that doesn't scare me so much, it just makes me think about death a little too much. Is that bad? To think about how I will die when my time does come. I think weird things like will it hurt? How old will I be? Where will I be? You might think this is a little strange, but when I leave to go somewhere, I always tell my mom that I love her, or my dad for that matter. You never know what could happen, I could die tomorrow, and I wouldn't get to tell my family or friends how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I always think the worst of situations too. Like say my dad is late from coming home when I thought he should already be home. I think something might have happened to him. Is it just me, or do a lot of people feel like that? I mean, I am not a morbid person by any means I just think the worst at times.
So I realized that my life is quite boring at the moment. Has been for a while, and I need to fix that. I am serious. I need a big change. Not like dying my hair pink or dressing differently. I am just talking about something needs to change. I don't know what exactly, but just something. It's not like me as a person is boring, just the situations I put myself in. People tell me I am really awesome to hang out with, maybe they're lying, I dunno, but I don't go out and live my life to the fullest like I should at my age. I am almost 19 freaking years old and I haven't experienced half the things I've wanted to by this age. I just need to get out more.
After high school I am moving. I told my dad this tonight, he just gasped. I was like yeah, deal with it. I am tired of my life, and Wake Forest, and this is something I want to do. I think I might move in with my aunt in Toledo, Ohio. Yeah, I know you're thinking good God, that's so far away, but it might do me good. I don't know, it was my idea, my dad was like I don't know, it might could work out. I will definitely update you on everything that goes on after graduation.
Well, it's late. I need sleep, but I don't really feel like it. I need a good book, or My So-Called Life on DVD. My birthday is approaching, so that's a hint! : )
current mood:  contemplative
current music: "Maggie May" -Rod Stewart
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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1:16 am - Can we say GIDDYISM?!?!
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OMG OMG!!! Yes (the band) in Concert Tuesday, April 27th at the Greensboro Coliseum... yeah buddy!!! : ) Wow, you just don't realize how much I have grown to love this band over the past couple of years. You can just say that daddy raised me well. I am very open-minded when it comes to my taste in music. Yes is the greatest band in classic rock history, well, besides the obvious Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Who, etc, etc. You get the point. But oh wow YES. Most know them for their songs like "Owner of a Lonely Heart" and "I've seen all good people" but they are not just about that. Songs like "Roundabout" , "Long Distance Runaround" "Perpetual Change" now that stuff is the shit man, let me tell you! I am overly excited that they are coming and you know what excites me even more???? Christene might possibly go with me. Now that chick rocks! Oh man, I hope we end up going together ... how spectacular that would be!!! Somehow, some way, we will make it there! I can make sure of that my friends. Well, it's late, I'm too excited to sleep, but too tired to type anymore so later dudes!
But I will be spiffy and leave you the words to some cool Yes songs... enjoy! : )
Move yourself
You always live your life
Never thinking of the future
Prove yourself
You are the move you make
Take your chances win or loser
See yourself
You are the steps you take
You and you - and that's the only way
Shake - shake yourself
You're every move you make
So the story goes
Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than - a
Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Say - you don't want to chance it
You've been hurt so before
Watch it now
The eagle in the sky
How he dancin' one and only
You - lose yourself
No not for pity's sake
There's no real reason to be lonely
Be yourself
Give your free will a chance
You've got to want to succeed
Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than - a
Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
After my own decision
They confused me so
My love said never question your will at all
In the end you've got to go
Look before you leap
And don't you hesitate at all - no no
Owner of a lonely heart
Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than - a
Owner of a broken heart
Owner of a lonely heart
(repeat)
Owner of a lonely heart
Sooner or later each conclusion
Will decide the lonely heart
It will excite it will delight
It will give a better start
Don't deceive your free will at all
Don't deceive your free will at all
Don't deceive your free will at all
Just receive it
-Owner of a Lonely Heart
I see the cold mist in the night
And watch the hills roll out of sight.
I watch in ev'ry single way,
Inside out, outside in, ev'ry day.
The sun can warm the coldest dawn
And move the movement on the lawn.
I learn in ev'ry single day,
Inside out, outside in, ev'ry way.
And there you are,
Making it out but you're sure that it is a star,
And all you see
Is an illusion shining out in front of me,
And then you'll say
Even in time we shall control the day,
When what you'll see
Deep inside base controlling you and me.
And one peculiar point I see,
As one of many ones of me.
As truth is gathered, I rearrange,
Inside out, outside in, inside out, outside in,
Perpetual change.
And there you are,
Saying we have the moon, so now the stars,
When all you see
Is near disaster gazing down on you and me,
And there you're standing,
Saying we have the whole world in our hands,
When all you'll see,
Deep inside the world's controlling you and me.
You'll see perpetual change.
You'll see perpetual change.
And there you are,
Making it pit but you're sure that it is a star,
And all you see
It's an illusion shining out in front of me,
And then you'll say
Even in time we shall control the day,
When all you see
Deep inside base controlling you and me.
As mist and sun are both the same,
We look on as pawns of their game.
They move to testify the day,
Inside out, outside in, inside out, outside in,
All of the way.
Ah, Ah.
-Perpetual Change
current mood:  giddy
current music: "Leave it" -YES
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| Monday, January 26th, 2004
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10:09 pm - Snow day... woo!
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Well well, gotta appreciate snow getting us out of school. Right on man! I love lazy days, they're the best. I was woken up by my bro and dad around 10, they definitely ganged up on me and succeeded...annoying ass things! BUH! Well, got up, dad cooked me a yummy omlet and I drank my OJ, and watched an old episode of Dawson's Creek. I was good to go. Then I got on here, been listening to music and watching tv all day. Oh, I did go to the grocery store with my dad, that was fun. The roads are in really bad shape. The parking lot looked inviting to have some fun! HA! Dad did donuts from the house, always a good time. I loved today. Fell asleep on my couch watching an old episode of Step By Step. Slept for a good while, felt good. I mean, that's basically all my day consisted of..good times man, good times. My back yard looks like an iceskating rink. HEHE. Of course we don't have school tomorrow, which means tomorrow is bound to be the same....another lazy, great day. : )
current mood:  cheerful
current music: "Awake and Dreaming" -Finger Eleven
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| Sunday, January 25th, 2004
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4:34 pm - Let it snow!
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Well, it's been a while, but not much has happened to really talk about anyway. It snowed today. Quite a bit too. It's always nice to see snow falling on a sunday. I think we got at least 3 inches here, that's pretty awesome. But now comes the ice. ICE = BUH! It's cool, just don't let the power go out. We don't have school tomorrow...how thrilling! Yeah, I could certainly use a day off ... I think we all could. And plus, it might supposedly snow again next Sunday AND Monday... hell yeah! : ) I'm going to pray. Anything to get me outta school. Well, it's back to hot chocolate and most likely watching LOTR.
current mood: happy
current music: "Breathe" -Leaves
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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7:21 pm - still not okay... i hide it well
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Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights the TV and the radio but still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to me crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize, gone away
And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops runaway
Left me in the vaccuum of my heart
What is happening to me crazy some will say where is my friend when I need you most gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow beside the news of holy war and holy need
Our's is just a little sorrowed talk, just blown away
And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world (I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world (I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world, every world is our world, every world
-Duran Duran
current mood:  irritated
current music: "Lady Picture Show" -Stone Temple Pilots
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| Monday, January 19th, 2004
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3:30 pm - I've never hurt so much...
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So last night/into this morning was awful. I was fine up until about 12am. Well, I had been online on the laptop, and this random guy IM's me. I'm thinking who the hell are you. Go away. And boy did I mean that. This guy was so incredibly annoying. He made me feel like shit and I didn't even know this guy. SAD. What an asshole. But anyway. Wasted like an hour on him listening to him put me down so much, I was tired, so I was like look, I am going to go. Goodnight. Well, then Jon came back, and I needed him to lift my spirits a little, so I IM'ed him. He was all like, it's ok, you don't even know the guy and he has no right to put you down. His thoughts don't really count for much considering he didn't even know you. So I am like ok, thank you. I feel better. Well, then idiot me had to go pry into his business when I would have been much better off not knowing this. I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He's like "Why does it matter to you?" And I'm like "Because it just matters" then he's like "But why do you care" and I'm like "DAMMIT, because I care about the things that are going on in your life, and I'd like to know." Well, by this point, I know he is. He is. "Sort of" he says. What the fuck does that mean?! What does sort of mean??? And then he was like "Is that bad?" and I was like "Well, it doesn't make me feel good." Anyway, I could just feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. And this is a big deal for me because I've tried to be really strong and non-wimpish about things lately. I haven't cried in over 3 months, I know. I still love Jon. I never really stopped. And for a while, I thought there was a chance that I could make things right again, and I'd be happy again. The only time I was ever truly happy, was when I was apart of his life. And God, now I just don't know. My heart hurts so much right now. Greg called me last night. I was crying. I felt bad for crying to him because I don't even know him that well. He was really sweet about it though. He made me feel better I'll give him that much. Usually he jokes all the time, and I never thought there was a serious side to him. Guess so. Anyway, maybe I'll eventually get over this and be happy again. But I know that's going to take a long time. Be patient with me please for a while.
Love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
All my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes
Love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive
And all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
-Peter Gabriel
current mood:  crushed
current music: "Move On" -Jet
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| Sunday, January 18th, 2004
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4:11 pm - Sunday bloody Sunday
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Still falling
Breathless and on again
Inside today
Beside me today
Around broken in two
Til you eyes shed
Into dust
Like two strangers
Turning into dust
Til my hand shook away the fear
I could possibly be fading
Or have something more to gain
I could feel myself growing colder
I could feel myself under your fate
Under your fate
It was you breathless and tall
I could fee my eyes turning into dust
And two strangers turning into dust
Turning into dust
-Mazzy Star
current mood: happy
current music: "Around My Smile" -Hope Sandoval and The Warm Inventions
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| Saturday, January 17th, 2004
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7:18 pm - a place for me to put my bottled up thoughts
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Well well. I have to be cool like everyone else and share my life day by day. Nah, but this is good for me. Better than keeping all my thoughts to myself. Well, today. Let's see... I accomplished nothing...YAY me! I have got to be the most laziest person I know. Well, on the weekends that is. But I have the right to be a lazy ass bc of all the work I do at school...it's rough! My mom bitches about me not doing anything around the house, which is true, but I figure when I move out, I'll get that way. I know how to be domestic...not that hard. I seriously can't wait til graduation. The thought of moving out of this house and going to college and not being told what to do all the time just makes me so happy. I have been thinking about that idea a lot lately. Having roommates that take care of me and not my mother, going out all the time, going to bed whenever I want (I do that anyway) But still, I just can't wait to get away from this town. I can't wait for my life to get exciting. I mean I know there's some down sides to being a college kid, but hell, I will deal with that when it comes. Also growing up. Wow, why am I so eager to "get older" fast??? What is so thrilling about being older. I am 18. I thought that was a big deal, but I was wrong. Nothing changes. Sure, I can buy cigarettes and go to strip clubs and whatever else there is to do, but that stuff isn't so much important. And I know it's not just me feeling this way. Why is everyone so eager to be older. I feel like when I do reach 23 I will be at least a little smarter, more wiser and I will be able to make more mature decisions as apposed to now. I am so weird. And I remember being 16 and wanting to date older guys. Why is that? What makes THEM so damn special? Sure, they're older, and a little wiser than me, but my parents are like that, and that's not cool. I don't understand the way people are sometimes. I guess this is the point in my life where I am supposed to be figuring out who I am and all that bullshit... or is that later? Wow, you see what I mean? And it's like this inside my head 24/7... can't make it stop. OK, enough for today.
current mood:  discontent
current music: "Dissident" Pearl Jam
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