Tesco Mutherfuckin Vee's Blurty

Chef BoyarVee
So I really didn't do anything constructive today. What I did manage to do was chill out back with a book and some beer. At one point I got up to peruse the tomato plants I put in a couple of months back and found that the cilantro I planted had really taken off. God bless the wonders of Miracle-Gro plant food.
SO, in celebration of my newly established "garden", I decided to pillage the produce and whip up some guacamole. I pride myself on my guacamole and fully believe that I could trade a batch of the stuff for anyone's firstborn. Anyway, I decided to snap the pics and attach the recipe. I hope you find a sunny day soon during which you could drink some beer and slip some chips in this delicious, green food, bitch.

Tesco's Fuckin' Guacamole

2 Ripe Avacados
1 Hearty Roma Tomato
Fresh Cilantro
Lemon Pepper Seasoning / Lime
Salt

This dip can be tweaked with so many varying ingredients that I just decided to give you the base recipe. You can experiment with different flavors over time until you come up with the one that twists your cap back, chuckwad.

First, pick off as many cilantro leaves neccesary to meet your taste requirements. If you're not familiar with cilantro you can chop up a tablespoon and add to taste. Younger, lighter green leaves from the plant itself yield a more robust flavor. What is typically found in your grocery store are the mature leaves found near the base of the plant. These leaves will work fine but if you grow your own, I suggest taking the thinner, light green sprigs from the flowering tops of the plant. Next, core your roma by cutting off the ass and head of the mater so you can shove a knife in and remove the watery, seeded pulp inside. Do leave in the firm, bissecting core running down the middle. Rinse off any remaining pulp and then dice that fucker. Set these two ingredients aside.

Next, you'll wanna halve the avacadoes and de-seed them. Seed them out by hacking into the pit with your knife and twisting it out. Deuce those unused balls in the trash, or plant them in a pot for your own fucking tree. You can then quarter the slices lengthwise and peel them out, or scrape the meat out with a spoon. Either way, just get that green shit into a bowl for the processing job.

Once in the bowl you'll be looking to mash the avacado. This part is of the job follows personal taste. Some people like to mash the avacado in a way that leaves behind a chunkier base. I prefer to whip the tar out of it until it's smooth. You'll have better dipping options with a creamier guacamole, especially if your lame ass plunked down coin for some inferior tortilla chips. Look, bitch...that down there is some fine, whipped guacamole base. Word.

Once your done processing your avacado, mix all of the ingredients in a serving bowl, being sure to blend it well so the cilantro and mater is suspended evenly. At this point you'll want to add a citrus juice or flavoring. When available, I'll either add a teaspoon of lime or orange juice, freshly squeezed of course. If you don't have the fruit, you can substitute with a good lemon pepper seasoning, which actually tastes pretty good (you can also dice up some mango in proportion to the tomato for some sweet goodness). Salt-to-taste and mix it all in one more time. Enjoy with a bag of good tortilla chips, cocksuckers.

VIOLA!

If I get around to it I'll post a recipe for BBQ chicken tostadas. Now THAT shit is good.