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Angel of the tempest

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[20 Jul 2007|01:02pm]
[ mood | lost ]

"Never take your loved ones for granted: they could be gone tomorrow"
All of my dreams seem to fall by the side
Like a discarded thought or the day's fading light
But I know that if I could just see you tonight
At times we may fall,
Like we all tend to do
But I'll reach out and find that I've run into you
Your strength is the power that carried me through

Your kindness for weakness I never mistook I worried you often,
Yet you understood that life is so fleeting,
These troubles won't last
Inspired me truly you did from the start to not be afraid
And to follow my heart
There's a piece of you with me they can't tear apart

Forever I'll find you, forever we'll be
Forever your power and strength stays with me

~ Forever ~
Dropkick Murphys
tear me open

[20 Jul 2006|11:41am]
[ mood | angry ]

I can't believe it. My phone just messaged. After all this time. After all this pain. After all the tears....



How dare he?

Now the dreams make a little more sense. I'm not going to fo this to myself again. No. NO.



6 cuts| tear me open

[20 Jul 2006|09:33am]
[ mood | stressed ]

~ Solu Music ~ Fade ~

Look at me, stare inside.
Take my place, in my mind.
Capture me, follow through.
Validate, wanting you.

It's been a long, long time.
Since you been on my mind and I...
I must forget about us.

Turned away. What to do?
Let it go. Follow through.
Lost within. Endless eyes.
Lusting calls. Logic cries.

Baby this seems so right. Baby this seems so wrong.
Hour after hour, so long, day after day, so long,
year after year after year...
And now we're here.

Never fade from my mind.
Shower me and give me life.
Never fade from my mind.
Always there when I close my eyes.

Hesitate. Pull me in.
Breath on breath. Skin on skin.
Loving deep. Falling fast.
All right here. Let this last.
Here with our lips locked tight.
Baby the time is right for us...
to forget about us.

Shelter me. Give me light.
Sexy days. Sensual nights.
Ain't no way, you'll be gone.
Cause I'll be here still holding on.

Baby it's been so long, and it could be tonight.
Hour after hour, so long, day after day, so long,
year after year after year...
And now we're here.

Never fade from my mind.
Shower me and give me life.
Never fade from my mind.
Always there when I close my eyes.

Give me life.
Give me life.
Give me life.
Give me, give me, give me life.

Never fade from my mind.
Shower me and give me life.
(Give me love and give me life)
Never fade from my mind.
Always there when I close my eyes.

Never fade...
In my life.

This past week I've been struggling... but I'm pretty much doing ok. It's hard to believe I was so blinded by love that I let things I shouldn't have slip past. I ignored warning signs because I wanted to believe what I was being told was the truth. I was naive. I'm sad... but I'm trying to leave that behind me. I'm trying not to think about him. I'm trying to shut all those feelings out. Feelings of love, feelings of foolishness, feelings of longing, feelings of missing, feelings of everything really. I want to put it behind me, I want to move on. Why won't I stop dreaming of him???? The dreams, they haunt me, mock me.... I don't know if I can handle sleeping anymore if I keep dreaming of him. He is the past. He is not the future. I held on for much too long, when I should have let go and walked away a long time before I did.... now that I'm walking, why, why do those dreams haunt me?

Life. It's hectic. Battling my feelings. Trying to fit everything in. I get up at 5.45am, I walk, get home, shower, dress, do dishes, put rubbish out, spend some time with Mr Darby, sometimes with Zeph if he's out of his hide cruising around, finish getting ready for work, feed Mr D, grab something for lunch, leave. I get to work about 8.40am and start, 20 mins early. I work all day. Eat lunch at my desk while I work, sure I surf a bit during the day if I have a chance or want to look something up, but I continue to work. Answer phones, reply to emails, do the books, do whatever other things I need to do, contracts, advertising, profiles, pay accounts, it goes on. I leave work, sometime after 5, go home and get changed, go to the gym, come home, make dinner and then I study, normally from about 8pm onwards for a few hours. There's not enough hours in a day.

I don't study nearly as much as I should. I try and do it 4 nights a week, with the other one night when I go up home for dinner or I catch up with someone. I try and spend at least 4 hours a day on the weekend studying. I can't get into the swing of things. I'm struggling. I don't even know if what I'm doing is right. I'm scared that I'm never going to be able to do this. No-one seems to understand that I have time constraints and that I can't sit on the phone and chat aimlessly for an hour or so or that I can't catch up with them more often. Hell, if I caught up with everyone who wanted to catch up more often I wouldn't be able to do any of this. It's all good for half my friends, they don't work fulltime and they definitely don't study. I would hate to have a family and be trying to work fulltime and study... I really admire people who can juggle things so well and work everything in. Maybe I'll get to that stage once I establish a bit of a routine or once I'm more used to studying. I've seriously been thinking of writing a schedule just to help me out a bit. It doesn't help that Bx does practically nothing around the house so I have to add to that most of the household chores and then listen to him whinge that when I do go out, it's for too long or I go out too often. Ha! I love when he throws that one at me.... grrrrr! He likes to put guilt trips on me when they aren't necessary... when they aren't even true! So that when I do go and catch up with someone or I go out and have a night out, once every blue moon, I can't enjoy myself because I get a barrage of guilt thrown at me. *sigh*

Enough whinging. I just feel so lost.... again. I actually thought I'd moved through that but I haven't. Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and leave everything behind, run away...

Things haven't been so bad. I just really need to get my head together. I need to sort my time out.

My motto for the moment is Reshape and Recreate.

I need to stop focusing on what everyone else wants and needs and start to be selfish and focus on me for a change. I can't be there for everyone and I certainly can't keep trying to rescue everyone who comes to me needing help. I will always be there and try to help them as much as I can but I can't take that responsibilty on and make other people happy when I can't find happiness myself. That's what reshaping and recreating is about more or less. Well, there's more to it but it's time to wrap this up, I've got to get back to work.
1 cut| tear me open

[11 Jul 2006|02:57pm]

So it goes another lonely day
You're saving time but you're miles away
Your flowers drowning in some bitter tea
Forseeing lost opportunity
Find your mirror
Go and look inside
See the talent you always hide
Don't go kid yourself, well not today
Satisfaction's not far away

Hold on now, your exit's here
It's waiting just for you
Don't pause too long
It's fading now
It's ending all too soon you'll see
Soon you'll see

Your coffee's warm but your milk is sour
Life is short but you're here to flower
Dream yourself along another day
Never miss opportunity
Don't be scared of what you cannot see
Your only fear is possibility
Never wonder what the hell went wrong
Your second chance may never come along




Soon you'll see
Soon you'll see
Soon you'll see
Soon you'll see

~ * ~ Opportunity ~ Pete Murray ~ *~

Love this song, for lots of reasons...

Have faith in who you are. Have faith that life is leading you in the right direction. Have faith that no matter what happens, good or bad, it happens for a reason. If something painful happens, just refer to the bold.... there will always be opportunity... don't let yourself miss it.

x x x x
2 cuts| tear me open

I Try... Macy Gray [25 Jun 2006|10:29pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together, babe
But we're not
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy, I need your touch
Your love kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
(but I'm dreaming of you babe)
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feigning

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(when you are not near aahh)
Goodbye and I choke (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble (hey, hey, hey)
Though I try to hide it, it's clear (sick of love)
My world crumbles when you are not near (your love, kisses and)

Goodbye and I choke (I'm choking)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(when you are not there, yeah, yeah yeah)
Yeah, yeah..

1 cut| tear me open

[20 Jun 2006|09:54am]
I've sent J a text message this morning. I've asked if I can see him on sunday night in order to say goodbye properly. It's over, it was precious... I want a chance to farewell it properly.
1 cut| tear me open

[19 Jun 2006|10:29pm]
I don't know where to start... and I'm torn in two. This afternoon at work I received a text message, only it wasn't just any text message, this one said goodbye. Someone I consider to be a very good friend of mine, someone who's had to deal with some extremely emotional and trying things to deal with, was ready to end it. I'm not going to go into specifics but when I got the message I phoned them and they told me what they had done. The call was brief and I couldn't keep them on the phone. I kept ringing and messaging them. They wouldn't answer. They turned their phone off. I didn't know where they lived because they'd just moved, although I knew the suburb. I didn't know how to get a hold of anyone that knew them, except one person who I couldn't contact. I rang the police and could only give them limited info. I then looked up an address for them and called the police back along with contacting their mum, who's number was listed as well. Their mum told me that their brother just found them and they were unconscious and had stopped breathing but was able to be resucitated and was on the way to hospital. Thankfully they were reached just in time. I now know that their carbon dioxide levels are high and they will need to be on oxygen for 6 or so hours but should be ok... well ok in a health sense. They are keeping them in hospital forcibly for 48 hours due to the risk of it happening again... and they will see someone in the hospital whilst they are there.

I can't begin to explain the helplessness or the panic and fear that washes over you. This person is one of the funniest people I know. They are always smiling, well mostly, even through their pain. They are kind and gentle. They are jovial and usually cracking jokes, the type of person that you warm to instantly. My heart breaks over and over for them with regards to the situation they have been in. I can see things from both points of view... but it's theirs that I'm most sympathetic too for many reasons and none of which I really want to get in to now because this isn't about that.

This person is someone who has wanted to end their life before. They don't see what I see and what so many others see when they look in the mirror. They don't realise how wonderfu they are and because they only have one thing in sight, they can't see beyond that, they can't see what they have to offer. They can't let go.... and letting go is what is so imperative here. I deviate again.

My heart is with this person... my prayers and all the energy I have is being directed to them. I can't imagine not being friends with them, not seeing them or hearing from them. They're one of my valued friends I care about them deeply. I trust this person and I don't really trust many of my friends at all.

Here's where my head is at. I see suicide from both sides of the coin. I have had several friends commit suicide. I've seen what's been left behind... the outpouring of sorrow, pain, guilt, love, massive loss.... I've felt it. The tradedy of a beautiful life extinguished. The coming to terms with their loss is just devastating for those left behind. I've also seen it on a different level. My second oldest and very close friend's dad committed suicide 3 years ago. I've watched how that has changed their family's lives forever... I've also seen how it has destroyed her sister, also a very close friend, and the one who found him. It has messed her up for life. She will never again be the same person. You never want to find that, it tears your world apart. I mean, what can I say... there's nothing....

Then there is the part of me that knows suicide as an old friend. I've stood at that threshold several times before and I've failed... ever since I was 12 I've known those feelings. The anguish and desperation for it all to be over. Those thoughts still taunt me... they still come back and the only thing that stops me is having seen it from the other side and I don't want to inflict that upon anyone I love... I'd rather endure it and cut.

I don't see suicide as a sin. I don't see it as a sign of weakness. Do you know how much guts and strength it actually takes to do something like end your own life? It takes a shitload. I don't blame this person for wanting to end their pain. My heart goes out to them.

The thing is, if this is really what this person wants, then who am I to do anything but support them? I mean really. I love my friends... I love this friend, so what kind of friend am I if I don't look at this from their perspective and say if you're really sure this is what you want and you are aware of just what you're doing, not just to yourself, but to those around you, and you still want it, then it's ok.... I understand.

It sounds so screwed up. I don't really know where my head is at. I just know what it's like to be on both sides of the fence and to feel it from both sides. I can't promise this person that it's going to be ok... because it won't be for a long time. They have a lot of things they have to accept and let go of. They have a lot of issues and emotions that they need to deal with before they can move on. All I can do is offer support. So..... if I can't guarantee them that things will get better, that there are lots of positive things in store for them..... ugh. Am I insane?

I want my friend to live. I want them to hold on and give it another chance and of course I'll be there to support them... but if that's really not what they want....

I think I need to stop. I don't know what my thoughts on this will be on the morning. I don't know if I'm being rational or not. All I know is that right now I pray for my friend.
1 cut| tear me open

[16 Jun 2006|10:42am]
[ mood | sad ]

It's Friday morning and I'm sitting at my desk looking like a real mess. I probably should have washed my hair this morning but I didn't. My eyes are puffy and swollen from too many tears. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to think. I actually really just want to get stoned and sleep. I want to sleep for three or four months and wake up with this all behind me. I hate not knowing. I hate that I haven't heard from him. Is it over? Is he just thinking? How am I to know? How long do I leave it go like this? How long do I wait? I wonder if I should write him a letter. I wonder if I should call him. I wonder if I should just walk into the path of an oncoming bus.

Things were falling into place. My life looked promising again. I was happy. I was more than happy. I was in love and I was content and I was looking forward to the future. I had him. I had my python, I had the interview with Marnie, I had the house around the corner and plans, I had the gym and fresh motivation. Without him it seems bleak. I sound pathetic. I hate the fact that I am so damn in love with someone and that my happiness is so pivotal on that person. I hate that he can't see that I've given him everything unquestioningly, I've loved him wholeheartedly, I've been the one he can turn to at any point. I hate that he can't see that he's destroying me again. It's not that I don't want him to see his friends. It's not that I don't want him to hang with his friends, female or otherwise. It's just that he has no regard for me or my feelings. All I want is for a little compromise... for him to do that at normal hours and not the middle of the night when I'm left wondering if they're snuggling up on a couch together. I can't help but think those things after reading the conversations he had with his female friends online. I can't help but worry. It was he who brought those fears to life, it was he who created them with his words and actions. Yet I still love him and want to be with him and I wish like hell he could understand and just make one little compromise to make me, the person who is his supposed angel, his everything, his love, feel comfortable. Is that really so bad? Ugh. I know. It's all I go on about. It is all I think about. I hate it.

My love for him burns so deep within me. I've never truly loved anyone before. I want to walk away, to leave the thoughts and the pain behind, to end the heartbreak. Why isn't it so easy? I don't know what to do. I want him so badly. I cry my eyes out all the time. It shouldn't be this hard. I want there to be a pot at the end of the rainbow with him....... but maybe that isn't meant to be.

Why doesn't someone who claims to love me so desperately want to sit and talk to me and work through what's happening? He told me that day he'd do anything for us to be together.... so what is this?

The worst thing about all of this is that I really have no-one to turn to. Everyone has basically implied they told me so. I know. It's my own fault. I am a fool. I desperately want to sit with someone and pour my heart out and have them hug me and just let me get it all out. That never happens with me though. I'm always the shoulder, always the one to take someone's hand and comfort them and support them, it's never in reverse. The hardest thing is, if it were... I wouldn't know how to do it. I'm so closed off emotionally from people when it comes to my feelings, I don't know how to talk about them or express them. I've bottled them up for so long because no-one really wants to know anyway. They look at you kindly and say, "tell me what's wrong" and as soon as you start, they change the subject. I don't even bother anymore. Why start telling someone, confiding in someone, how I feel when they're going to instantly shut you down and turn the conversation back to themselves again? It's pointless.... and so I come here, which is really my only true emotional outlet and probably why I pour out all the darkness that fills my soul onto these blurty pages.

Actually, Ryan is talking to me again after having stopped when he found out I was back with J. The night before last he asked me to tell him what was upsetting me so much.... but how could I? Two days beforehand he'd sent me a message telling me that he'd fallen in love with me and that he had trusted me and that he had all these feelings and was heartbroken. How am I supposed to tell him what is upsetting me when it would hurt him more? I sent Michael an email last night, because he had been hinting at me I hadn't emailed him in ages (even though we spoke for hours when I was off my face with G and Nols on SUnday night). I told him about all the good stuff and gave him a quick paragraph rundown on that part of my life - getting back with J and the other night incident and he's been so beautiful. He sent me a text telling me he's going to send me a book he wants me to read which I will benefit from and he's writing me an email back today. He's my cousin's ex bf and he's just moved to Queensland after they broke up. He was heartbroken by it and I guess in a way, the situation is similar because of the age difference between him and JB.

I bought a tarot reading off of ebay yesterday. Hahaha. Yes, I know, you think I'm a fool. That's fine. I've wanted to see someone for a reading for a while now but haven't come across any decent referrals. So at my computer yesterday I put tarot in the ebay search engine and a whole myriad of things came up. Now, normally the last thing I'd do would be to trust someone who's selling tarot readings on ebay. However, I saw someone's face that I recognised come up. She's a lady here in Adelaide whom I've met at various Pagan events around the place and I know she's genuine and has been well known in the pagan scene here for many, many years. I know her real name, although she advertises under a different one and I thought ok, I'm going to do this. I'm going to buy a reading through ebay!

An ebay tarot reading! Ha! She does the reading and sends a word document with photos of the spread and her reading, which is intuitive as well as based on the cards. There's a choice of having 3 questions answered or having a general reading... and of course I have one question burning on my mind. I need guidance with the J situation, I need to know where it's headed, although I'm sure it's nowhere... I need to prepare myself. So my 3 questions are as follows:

1) Please tell me about my current relationship and the direction that it is heading.

2) Please tell me about my living arrangements and what path I need to take in order to change them for the benefit of myself.

3) Given all that has happened in the last several months, which direction is my life headed in?

I struggled with the 3rd question so it's pretty broad. I'm nervous about what the cards will reveal and I've thought about doing a reading for myself with the tarot or my runes but I'm too emotionally invested in the situation to be able to do so and to be honest I haven't done a reading in such a long time.

It's funny to think that last year, two days ago, J moved into my house. Well, he stayed the night after the blow up with his dad... it wasn't until a few days later it was decided it would be permanent. I've never experienced so much joy in sharing my life with someone. Waking up beside him every morning. Having him make me breakfast, me making him breakfast. Walking in the door after work and into his arms. Sitting with him doing my own thing as he painted or read. Cooking dinner with him. All those things. All those memories. They make it that much harder to walk away. I don't want to walk away. I don't want him to walk away either. Why is it I hope against hope that this whole situation will turn itself around again?

1 cut| tear me open

Written monday night [14 Jun 2006|09:16pm]
Tonight the moon is full. Tonight ordinarily I would be celebrating an esbat but now the coven is no more. A full cycle has passed, both in the sense that it has been a month since the coven's demise and also in the sense that the coven itself lasted the cycle of a year. With the coven being over, I find myself as a solitary once more. This requires something more on my part; it requires me to be discipled and to commit myself to upholding my practice, which isn't always so easy to do when you practice alone. I'm not in the right frame of mind tonight and although I had some magick and a divination to do, I will leave it until tomorrow night. I have some cord magic planned but without the drive and focus to put the required energy into it, there is no point.

Discipline. A word I'm going to have to get used to.

Friday I had my appointment with Marnie, the principal of SA College of Natural Medicine. Marnie is a lady I've known of since I was about 14. She is a Naturopath and has been on radio shows here as well as writing articles for papers and magazines. She also has her own herbal remedy and herb brands and her name is well known. She wasn't what I was expecting, but then again, I had no idea what to expect. I was sitting in the waiting area and from downstairs comes this old woman with long grey hair, a flowing skirt and rings on all her fingers. I didn't realise it was her at first because she was juggling several bags and trying to stop things from falling. Soon she introduced herself and we went into the office area to chat. I asked all sorts of questions and she answered all my questions.

The college moulds courses for people so that the student can choose what they want to study while gaining other skills, ie I want to study an Advanced Diploma of Naturopathy and in to that can be built things like a Diploma in Remedial Massage, Diploma in Iridology or other components. One of the Diplomas the college offers is Natural Animal Care, which is a 2 year course on its own merits. I tld Marnie I wanted to enrol then and there and asked her if there was anyway that I could have that built in to my course and we chatted about a few things and she said she could work it in for me. The aura from her was amazing, it was like being in the presence of the wise Crone and I felt mostly at ease. She gave me a hug as I left and I am going back to see her and enrol tomorrow night after work. From what she said, she may well be my contact at the college instead of one of the lecturers, which I gather is quite unusual from what she said but hey, I'm not compaining in anyway if she could become some semi-mentor and I can gleen some wisdom of her.

I'm going to be studying within 10 days. It's strange to think that I'm actually excited about it. It's going to be a long haul. I think I'm actually going to be doing the Advanced Diploma of Naturopathy Honours, which takes 4 - 5 years fulltime and I'm going to be doing it via flexible learning, which means studying at home of a night after work. Discipline is going to be the key. I'm sure the initial excitement isn't going to last too long!

My Diamond Python is still unnamed. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever come up with a name for him... I've been searching and although I've had a few ideas, nothing has stuck. He spends most of his time hiding so it's all rather boring in his vivarium. I'm hoping once I add a few fake plants it will give him some more hiding spots and as he gets bigger he won't hide as much and will become more active. He's only around 3 months old and is about 40cm long. Given time he will reach anywhere between 6 - 8 feet. Being a Diamond Python, he is one of our slowest growing pythons. Speaking of which, ewwwwwww! I fed him for the first time on Tuesday night. That's not something I ever think I will get used to. At the moment he eats "pinkies", baby mice who haven't even got fur yet. They get defrosted and fed to him. I put gloves on, got one out and thawed it out in front of the heater (yes, bloody vial) and then popped the little thing in his cage. Unfortunately I was exhausted and didn't stay up to watch him eat his first meal, but eat it he did. I wasn't sure he would because sometimes they won't after being moved to a new place due to stress, so I was pleased.

I'm still getting used to sleeping in a soft red glow. I feel like I should be living in a red light district with his red infra red light on most of the time (it's on a thermostat which keeps the vivarium at 25 degrees celcius, perfect for a hatchling's first winter and next year he will be allowed to cool naturally, which means letting the temps drop to what they would in his natural habitiat because he's actually a temperature climate python and has to be kept accordingly to avoid Diamond Python Syndrome which can claim Diamonds suddenly. It's strange falling a sleep and waking up to a room filled with dull red light but given time I may get used to it.

I joined Curves, an all female gym this week. I feel quite good about it and need something more to keep me on track. I have managed to keep my weight in the same vicinity for the last 2 months roughly and it's not good enough, I need to start loosing again and I'm hoping this will help. I've always been too self conscious to join a gym (there's one which is 2 mins walk from my house but I won't go because guys go there). It's stupid to be self conscious because I know everyone's there focusing on themselves but it's not something I've felt I could do. An all women's gym is just what I need.

I'm getting brief because I want to go to bed. I'm exhausted from a big long weekend with little sleep. The weekend is another blurty altogether and whether I have time to write about it or not, who knows. I just wanted to get my week written out, or at least the main things because all in all it's been a pretty huge week on a lot of levels.

Around the corner from my house, there is a house for sale. It's a deceased estate and in the lower price bracket (auction with bidding from $130,000). Bx kept saying how it was badly timed and he'd have loved to have been in a position to buy it. He's just commited to buying a $90,000 truck for his job and even though he earns considerable money, a finance company would never finance a truck and a house at the same time. It was then that my head kicked in to gear but today my hopes have been dashed. At that price range I knew the house would need a lot of work... but it was much, much, much worse than first thought when we went to the open inspection today. There was no inside toilet, which I knew, but the "outhouse" was appalling. The walls in the shower were bare exposed walls, the tiling long since having fallen off. You couldn't pay me to use either the bathroom or the toilet. There were major cracks, which were expected and the place was majorly run down.

To make it liveable, you'd need to throw at least $30,000 at it before you could move in. The potential is there for someone who has the money to renovate it but it would need around $60,000 spent on it to make it presentable, more to make it homely. The whole back lean-to would have to be demolished and re-done. I was so incredibly disappointed. I had a plan. I only spoke to mum about it on Friday night and then I told Bx. What I had intended was to bid at auction and hopefully buy the place. I told Bx that I'd get finance approval (based on the equity in my house) and the mortgage would be in my name but if he could live in the house and he wanted to do it, it would simply be a matter of having a legal document drawn up to say that the house was his, he was actually paying the mortgage and when the bank would approve finance for him, we'd transfer the house into his name and all he would have to do is give me back my deposit with interest... and of course, move into the house. It was what seemed like the perfect solution. It would get him out of my house into a house of his own and it wouldn't be like I was actually booting him out. It was the ideal opportunity for both of us, me most especially because I can't keep living like this. Upon seeing the house it was over. I didn't want to finance enough to buy the place and throw all that money into it to make it liveable for him and by the time the maths was done, it wasn't financially viable to do it. Watching that opportunity slip through my fingers was hell and on the way home Bx said he's going to save hardcore for a year to get up a deposit and buy somewhere. The only problem is, it won't happen in a year... it'll take much longer for him to get out and I don't think I can truly cope with this living situation much longer.

Lastly, J. We haven't spoken since Wednesday. He needed time to think about things. I don't even want to talk about it at the moment. I'm so lost and not hearing from him makes it seem so much more dire. My whole week has been overshadowed by my heart breaking slowly again trying to figure out what to do and realising I might really have lost him for good. Maybe more on that later for now it's 10.10pm and I need and want my bed, I need a decent night's sleep.
6 cuts| tear me open

[07 Jun 2006|03:21pm]
Why does this keep happening?
tear me open

[07 Jun 2006|02:31pm]
Well, I thought I'd better post some pics of my diamond for you, see what you all think!

Not quite what you were all expecting, is it? LOL. More on him later.

I told J last night how I had issues with him going to visit a female so late at night. He didn't take it very well. He just can't understand where I'm coming from. Am I really being so unreasonable? I would have thought anyone in a relationship wouldn't be all that comfortable with that scenario (unless they knew the friend). I left there last night saying I needed to think about things. We both love each other. That is definitely not the issue. It's trust. I'm trying so hard. He thinks I should just be able to trust him again like that. He doesn't get how distraught it makes me.

I know that there's a half way point and I need to relax and give him a chance. The thing is, he keeps running back to his female friends... and I'm wondering if that's the biggest sign he's not ready for any kind of relationship. It's not the fact that he's friends with them, it's the fact that he's inconsiderate about me when he goes to them. I don't know.

This morning I decided I want to be with him, despite it being hard. What's the point in walking away at the first rough spot? I spoke to him. He's not so sure. He now needs time to decide whether he wants to be single. How much heartbreak can one relationship cause?

I can't write any more, all I am doing is crying at my desk again. ugh.
5 cuts| tear me open

[06 Jun 2006|10:47am]
Looked in the mirror this morning and what did I see, I saw a beast, standing there, staring back at me.
2 cuts| tear me open

[06 Jun 2006|10:02am]
How am I supposed to feel or what am I supposed to think when my boyfriend goes to visit a chick friend at 11.30pm.... to watch a movie?
1 cut| tear me open

My Diamond [03 Jun 2006|07:03pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Well... finally, it happened! Yes! And (I know, never start a sentence with 'and' but meh, I'm allowed today).... and, I'm EXCITED!!!

I've spent my entire day running around with the biggest grin on my face, squealing and jumping up and down and making a total excitable ass out of myself..... but hey, you get that. It's one of those days, you know the ones that you dream of and hope for but you somehow you're never really sure it's actually going to happen. Well, it happened!!!

After spending close to $1,000, I have one and it's magnificent, an absolute beauty. The second I saw it I fell in love, the minute I touched it, I wanted it. Now it's mine. I've been dreaming of it since I was 8 years old. It still feels kinda unreal.

3 cuts| tear me open

A meandering road into the future.... [25 May 2006|01:20pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I asked him last night if he ever thought of us in terms of the future. He said yes he did but sometimes when he was upset or depressed the future he saw didn't have me in it... I asked him if there was someone else there in my place and he said no. He said he saw us with children, I asked how many and he replied 2 or 3 and asked me how many I wanted. I told him 1, maybe 2. He said he was ok with that and asked what if I had triplets LOL. He told me that if we had a boy he was sure to be a geek. LOL. Then he went on to say he never wanted to give his war gaming up... and I told him I'd never expect him to.

Future planning... I've never really done it before. Most of my friends had their 5 year plans and 10 year plans... mostly my dearest Casey, who never had a chance to fill her plan. I've just drifted though life, taking each day as it comes, seeing where it leaves me. There's never been any real thought for where I want to head exactly or what shape I want my life to take. Lately, I've been thinking about it a lot.

With the re-realisation that I want to study naturopathy, I've come to formulate a little plan of where my life is to head. On the naturopathy thing, I've finally found the place I'm going to enrol... the next step is doing so...

My star's in this week's Messenger:

Pisces: You should act on anything you have been thinking of putting in place. The opportunity is there but could easily pass you by. once you have set things in motion you have to be prepared to keep a regular routine. It is not about any pleasure you might miss out on now. It is future security that is important.

If that isn't saying get to it, I don't know what is!

The good thing is that I was looking at interstate college's to do the course through via distance education. This college is right here in Adelaide and I can still do it by distance education, with the added benefit of being able to do my clinical hours in their clinic (which is the major thing) plus I can meet face to face with an assigned lecturer if I have any questions, etc. It seems like it's a cheaper option too, by about $5,000. The last thing I need to do is decide which course to study exactly. Yes, I would like to do Naturopathy but they do double Diplopmas, so I'm thinking I might do that and get one in Naturopathy and Western Herbal Medicine (I could elect to go for Homeopathy or Massage but I think the herbalism side would be something I would be more attuned to). The course will span 3 - 4 years, depending on the length of time I take to complete it. On top of that they actually offer a course on natural treatments for animals, which goes for 2 years and I would love to incorporate - however, I'm not sure if it would be possible to intergrate that into the studies or if I'd have to do it on it's own - another 2 years.

So, my 5 year plan involves study and lots of it to get the career that I want. Once the 5 years is up I hope to be working as a naturopath, in some sort of practice - preferably my own, however, I don't want to rush that being inexperienced so at that stage I may be employed by someone with views to starting my own practice down the track.

I would have finished paying my car loan and so that will be one less thing I have to worry about finance wise. I've decided that my house has been good to me and although I love it, I plan on either selling it and buying a new house to live in or I might keep it as an investment property and rent it out... I'm not certain which yet, but in 5 years I would have owned it for 10 years and I think already it's getting time to move on. If I sell, I can use the money I've made in buying the place (it's doubled in value since I bought it) to pay for a decent chunk of another house. Alternatively I could keep it as an investment and use the equity I have in it to buy my next house (or re-finance so I can negatively gear it as an investment and put the cash towards the new house). Ideally, I would love to keep it as an investment and buy another home... but it will depend on the work that needs to be done on it and also the circumstances of my life at the time. So, that's the major financial stuff out of the way.

In 5 years I'll be 34 (eeeek) and by that stage I would like to have settled down with someone, be living with them, sharing our lives together (I'm not jumping in and saying J, although I guess if you look into my heart you'll see that wish inscribed - but if the Universe has other plans for me, well, who am I to stand in their way?) It's around this stage that I would also like to have a child. In fact, if it were to be 2 children, then I wouldn't want the second much past 35 - ideally, I wouldn't want a child after turning 35 at all, I'd like to have them much before then as opposed to later on in life... but at 29, well, I'm not going to jump the gun and rush into things, so I'll have to wait and see what happens.

Of course, me mapping these things out in my head doesn't necessarily mean they're going to happen. That's up to fate and the Universe to decide, as well as me, along the way. This is just what I've been formulating in my head as the place I want to be headed to. Five years sounds so long away in some instances and so short in others. So much can happen.... so it will be interesting to see where I end up. Although hell, I'm not in any hurry at all to reach 34!!!!!! LOL.

3 cuts| tear me open

Breasts [25 May 2006|10:49am]
Ok, just thinking, given the state of mine (still feel like glass and sending suggestive messages to J lol). What do you call them?

Breasts.... well to me, thats rather formal - reserved for talking to doctors!
Tits....sounds a bit yobbo-ish but I do say it sometimes.
Titties.....well, I save that for talking dirty.... why? I really have no idea, it just sounds better! *blushes*
Jugs...ha! Does anyone even use that term (unless they grew up in the '50s)
Hooters... Ha, again. Very American.
Bossoms... lol... don't think so!
Bozzies... not really something I call them either, reminds me of my cousins lol
Melons.... oh dear!
Knockers.... another oh dear!
Boobs.... I don't know, I tend to call 'em boobs... but at the same time, I think, boobs, sounds so... I don't know... funny in a way, I can't explain... but looking at some of the other options, so much better!

Can't think of anything else on the spot, so that list will have to do.
5 cuts| tear me open

Sushi Train whinge [25 May 2006|10:10am]
I love sushi... I love sashimi. Japanese food rocks in my opinion, I can't get enough. Last night, for Jo's bday, Gabbins, Jo and myself went out to dinner. The Sushi Train. We walked in the restaurant and I was not impressed one bit. It was a far cry from Genki, my favourite Japanese restaurant. Unfortunately Jo didn't want to go there because last time we went she got sick (let's just say that it wasn't so much the food but the quantity she consumed which made her sick).

So it was the Sushi Train. An island in the middle of a room with sushi being made in various flavours and forms, surrounded by a conveyer belt on which there are several types of sushi and sashimi as well as a few sweets. The idea is as you see what you want come around you take it off the conveyer belt and dig in, taking as many plates as you want until you are full. The plates are colour coded, so you can tell how much a plate of whatever costs. Plates range from $2.50 to $7.00 and will have as little as one piece or up to 6 pieces of sushi. Sashimi was $6 for 5 pieces of fish, which were a little smaller than normal sashimi size.

The girls new instantly I was not happy and were ribbing me about it. I didn't care. The sushi all tasted the same, no matter what it was. There was a reasonable choice if you liked a lot of your chicken and fish deep fried. I just couldn't get enthusiastic about it and it was an exceptionally expensive way to eat. Some of the sushi was going around and around and around and you had to wonder how long it had been on the conveyer belt for. Yes, the staff were constantly making new rolls and they were being added but you couldn't be sure how long they'd been travelling the ring for.

I tried Black Sesame Ice Cream. Ummm... interesting. It started out I wasn't sure what I thought of it, I couldn't tell if I liked it or I hated it, it tasted interesting. Slowly I thought I began to like it, so I continued to eat it and then... come the last of it, I hated it. It was revolting. What the hell was I thinking? Jo was the same. Ick.

So, the moral of this story is, when in Adelaide, don't go to the Sushi Train, instead opt for Genki!
1 cut| tear me open

Boobs made of Glass [25 May 2006|09:07am]
[ mood | freezing with aching boobs ]

I dragged my ass out of bed at 5.50am this morning, as per usual, to greet a freezing cold morning. I've got no idea what the temperature was, but of course it's not going to be anything like what it's like in Europe or some parts of the States, etc... I mean, we simply don't get snow here, so it wouldn't be that cold. Maybe -1 or -2 or so. I get up, pull on my trackies and a thin jumper, which is hooded, put on my beanie (I look so disgusting in beanies!) and even pull out a hooded sleeveless polar fleece vest Akeliana had given me to head out on my walk. Why the hell do I do that to myself when it's so bloody cold? Am I insane? I believe I might be. LOL.

I do my 4km walk, opting not to go any further because although by the time I'm almost home, my hands are like blocks of ice. I should really buy some gloves... that or leave the weight and water bottle I carry with me home. I get back home and the house is barely warmer than outside. I'm breathing frosty air in my lounge room. I think I need some form of heating, other than the fan heater.

I'm at work now and the heater is on here, although, the ceilings are like 18 feet high in the beautiful old building I work in and it's still freezing. I have my winter jacket on, which is brown cord and really funky. I probably shouldn't wear it to work because I never take it off during the day... it just doesn't warm up sufficiently. I love this jacket though. I'm finally able to button it up again too, yay!!! I'm also sitting here with a knee blanket on, yes I'm such a nana!!! Anyway, the whole point of this entry is to say that my boobs are aching. They feel like they're made of glass and are about to shatter at any moment. I hate when I get this cold, boob aches are the worst and no-one I know gets them... maybe I'm crazy? All I feel is throbbing in my boobs. It is the most uncomfortable and painful thing. It makes the cold feel so much worse.

8 cuts| tear me open

[22 May 2006|03:48pm]
Ummm... there's an awful lot of sex in there. LOL.
4 cuts| tear me open

[22 May 2006|09:49am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I don't know where to start. I want to cry... but I'm not sure if that's because I'm so very happy or if it's because I'm making a big mistake. Driving to work this morning, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest... I was filled with love and just the most amazing feeling about J. Now, I'm wondering about it again.

Last Sunday night, I went to have dinner with him at his cousin's place, where he's house sitting. I got there and was amazed. He looked... like I wanted to jump him. LOL. He's lost some weight too from rock climbing and although I loved him as he was, he just looked damn good. I got there and we talked for a while and I was standing back and so was he and it was like neither of us wanted to touch each other, or at least, we didn't know if we should. We chatted and I met Missy, Mel's beautiful English Mastiff... who still barks at me (go figure, she's a funny thing). Anyway, he eventually took me into the back room to show me the lizards they have, which are beautiful and we stood there watching them for ages. When we left the room, he stood just past the doorway and I stood behind him in the doorway and he reached out and touched me and then he pulled me to him and we hugged, he kissed my hair numerous times and we both cried in each other's arms.

From then on, it was him reaching out to touch me or hug me and tell me how much he missed me. He told me how good I was looking and how beautiful I am, adding that I always looked good regardless. He kept kissing my hair when he hugged me and my head and then my nose until he gently kissed me on the mouth and asked me if that was ok. From then on we couldn't keep our hands off each other. He told me that he had been so lost and upset without me and that nothing felt right and from the moment I left him a month ago he wanted me back but thought that it was better for me if we weren't together. He cried again and while telling me all of this he told me he loved me. I noticed too that he's wearing my ring again, which along with him saying he loved me meant the most to me because he'd stopped wearing it before the end of the year. I asked him about it and he told me he'd been wearing it since the day after I left last time because he wanted to feel close to me.

We cooked dinner together talking about stuff and how much we missed each other and we sat on the couch watching a movie as we ate. From not long after that, the movie was forgotten and with 2 bottles of wine in our system and cuddled up on the couch in each other's arms, we ended up kissing passionately... and one thing lead to the other, in the lounge and then in the bedroom. The thing that gets me everytime is when we're together having sex and he whispers that he loves me... I can't begin to convey how that feels... it is the most amazing feeling and to have him whisper it to me as we were having sex for the first time in so long made it even more special. Laying there afterwards in his arms was everything to, having him kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am. I left there at about 12.30am and went home happy.

We'd talked about trying again, about seeing where things went and it all felt good and he asked me to go rockclimbing with him on Tuesday night. We didn't end up going because I was a little scared, so instead I went over there and we went to dinner over the road (must mention, had the most awesome chicken burger at the pub!) We came back and had a bottle of wine and put a movie on and cuddled and kissed and then it started all over again. We went from couch to couch, down to the backroom to the couch there then back to the bedroom, lounge room and bed again. LOL. We tried to get the spa going but for some reason it kept shorting all the power to the house! We talked about how being together again wasn't going to be easy and that we had a lot of hard work ahead but that we thought we could do it. We talked about how our friends felt about it, we talked about each other. He told me that not only was I his girlfriend, I was also his best friend and that every time he did something in the last month he always asked himself what I would think or say and how much he missed my opinions. We both broke down and cried at different times, me because I was happy and was so scared of going through all this pain and crap again, him because he was sorry for everything he had done. Finally it all seemed so very different and so very right.

Thursday night he was going to call in on his way home from work (10pm) but Bx just wouldn't go to bed because he had a short day on Friday, so I messaged him to tell him that Bx was up and I was sorry. We both wanted to see each other and he asked me if he could pick me up and take me back to Mel's and drop me home in the morning. I was reluctant. In fact, I changed my mind a trillion times... but in the end he did. I can't even begin to explain the night. We weren't up for very long after getting home because I had to be up early but we had sex again and then fell asleep with each other for the first time since he moved out of my house. Sleeping with him, next to him, being able to wake up and touch him, was everything to me... I was so happy.

Something happened though. It was 6.40am and I'd stayed much later than I should have and when he went to drop me home he picked up his phone and took it with him. Instantly a sick feeling washed over me, like his phone had been on silent all night and he wanted to take it with him to check it as soon as he could. I was plagued with every negative emotion possible and the drive home I tried to be normal but I knew I was distant. From then on I was filled with a sense of horror and foreboding.

Friday night I got a message from him saying he was scared and I asked him why, he wrote because I'll never be able to trust him again and that he's not coping with that. I told him that I was trying but it was going to take time and that we really needed to talk, he agreed and I asked him when and he told me he didn't know. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone and not see him again and his reply was he didn't know and that was the problem, he just didn't know what he wanted anymore. I was terrified. We'd spent the last 5 days telling each other how much we really wanted to work on things and be together and there he was telling me that he didn't know what he wanted. I was confused and upset and went to bed crying.

Saturday morning I broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I was distraught thinking it was over and that just when I thought it could be right all the pain was going to come crashing down on me again. My heart was breaking. He sent me a message telling me he missed me and apologising for being a pain. I asked him when we could talk. He told me he didn't know when we could see each other and talk (we were meant to go to a party he had to go to together that night and then I was going to spend the night with him). I rang him, bawling and he was upset too. He told me he couldn't handle the fact that I didn't trust him and that whenever he talked about his friends my face would change and I would act strange. I wanted to slap him and tell him why the fuck did he think, given everything, but I didn't. We cried and sat silently on the phone for a while and worked out I'd go over there on Sunday (yesterday) to talk.

Saturday night I went to Ryan's for a few hours because my plans for Saturday day time had changed and also obviously for the night, considering I wasn't seeing J. I didn't mind my day plans changing - I spent the morning cleaning - but in the afternoon I managed to mow my lawn, hoorah! It only took me 3 hours. LOL. It was 3 feet high in some places and like a jungle out there for Sage to prowl through. So yes, felt very desperate and upset but also very accomplished after finishing that major task which I'd been trying to find time to do for the last 3 months - appalling, I know.

Saturday night at Ryan's we talked and watched a movie. I was trying to keep my distance and I knew he was wondering about it. That said, I wasn't prepared to tell him that anything was going on with me and J because I didn't know what was happening but I didn't want to risk that by something happening with Ryan either. He came and sat next to me on the floor and he tried to tickle me several times (but I'm rarely ever ticklish when I'm depressed or upset over something) so that didn't work and he tried to kiss me twice on different occassions and I just moved my head to keep him at bay. I let him hug me and that was about all. I left there feeling even more lousy than when I got there.

Yesterday came around and I took 2 bottles of wine and an e with me. Why? Well, I really don't know. I knew we had to talk and that I had to be honest about how I felt with him and that they might help. I didn't exactly think he'd take half with me... although I thought there was the possibility he would (and I almost took one each but thought that wouldn't happen and these ones are quite strong, seeing as he's really not done them before). I got there and we went and cleaned up the yard a bit because Mel and Haoni get back today from their honeymoon. I told him I'd pick up Missy's poo because he's just not used to doing that sort of thing and he picked up the plastic she'd torn. We then played with her little tyre and ran around with her (and miraculously she decided she didn't need to bark at me anymore once I'd played with her, strange dog!) We went inside and had half an e each and opened the bottle of wine and went to the couch to sit. We hugged and sat and talked about going to see the Da Vinci Code but I pointed out if we did that, we wouldn't talk because the movie's like 2.5 hours. So we sat.

Eventually the conversation came up. I asked him why he was scared and we talked about how he was having problems coping with me not trusting him. The conversation and points I'd spent 2 days churning over spilled out. I told him openly and honestly how it hurt me that his friends were telling him to be careful about seeing me again - because although I understand their concern for him - what they were truely missing about the whole situation was that he only ever got hurt as a consequence of what he did to me... I never hurt him with anything I did, he got hurt because he betrayed me and because of the situation that arose from his actions.

I told him that Michael (I lied who said it, because it was actually Bx who said it and has really been getting angry about me seeing him again) pointed out to me that it didn't matter what happened I was niave to think that he wasn't still acting the same way towards his female friends, particularly those who were the issue before... they are still his friends, they haven't disappeared and the fact that I've lost weight doesn't mean that he's any less likely to do exactly the same things to me again. I told him that I couldn't help the way I reacted when he mentioned his friends, that my body just locked up with fear and I had no control over it and he had to understand exactly why it happened and why I couldn't control it. I told him the fear I had about it happening again and that if he could arrange to catch up with someone in the way he wanted to catch up with Michelle that I can't just forget that and say it's all cool and not worry that it wouldn't happen again.

I told him how I remember when we met and how it felt unlike anything else... how it was weird and from the moment I first saw him I felt something there, how I imagined a future with him but how I was always so scared to tell him that is what I wanted. I told him how I felt this sense of connection to him that I hadn't felt with anyone before and how he felt like home to me.

I told him how I knew by the sheer fact he had contacted me and wanted me back in his life that he didn't have the intention of getting me back to hurt us in the same way again and that I truly believed he wanted us to be together BUT it didn't change the fact that things had happened in the past and that because of that there is going to be that little voice in my head for a long time telling me to be suspicious and that won't let me trust him yet but that I thought maybe one day it would go. I told him I loved him and I wouldn't be there putting us both through all of that if I didn't want it to work and didn't believe that somehow it could work.

He got terribly upset. He cried and cried and told me that everything I was saying said that I could never trust him again and that it wouldn't work. I objected and he told me he didn't want to end up like his mum and dad with his mum never trusting his dad, that he could never live like that. I kept trying to tell him that we needed time to work through things. He ended up pulling away a bit and basically saying that he needed some time and asked me to leave. I was devastated and got up and got my things and came back. I was bawling, he was bawling and I told him I really didn't want to leave him like that... I was worried about the alcohol and the drugs and leaving him alone. I told him I'd go sit in another room or outside I just didn't want to leave him on his own. I don't know how it happened but we both ended up on the couch and I was holding him and comforting him and he calmed down. I asked him if he ever thought of the two of us having a future together and he said of course, how could he not. I asked him if that meant growing old together and he said yes and starting a family too. We sat there, just me holding him for a long while. I got up and went to the toilet and when I got back he got up and took me into the bedroom and started taking all my clothes off.

We started having sex and it was lustful and emotion charged and hot. I was on top of him, he was on top of me, he was whispering he loved me and I was telling him how much I wanted it to work, then we were playing and then back to having sex and then he asked me to go with him and we got into the shower and were in there for over 45 minutes before we went back to the bedroom again. That was what would have to be the most passionate sex we've ever had together.... and the longest we've had. All in all we were going at it for over 2 hours, which, with him is a bloody long time (normally it's under 20 mins).

After that we went over to the pub for dinner, another chicken burger, mmmmm. Their menu is rather limited but hey, it's a bloody good burger. We were sitting there watching this little girl push chairs around the place waiting for our dinner and just holding hands and I asked him if he'd ever thought about a future with any of his other gfs and he said only one, his first gf. I'm cool with that... I mean, after all I imagined a future with Nathan all those years ago.

After dinner we went back to Mel's put on another dvd and sat there talking a bit and then we had a bong and tried to drink the second bottle of wine, which was a cheapy someone recommended that tasted like shit. White Shiraz. Blah! Oh well. Again, we ended up in the bedroom and then I helped him with the dishes and played with Missy, who by that stage was wanting lots of love from me, before coming home.

I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before. I really want this to work. I really want to build that trust between us again. I know it's not going to be easy and he knows that too... but the underlying theme is we both love each other and want to be together. Could it truly be a once off mistake that he made? I want to believe so. Am I a fool for trying to work through this? Maybe. I've imagined my future with him whilst trying not to imagine it at all. I want to be with him. Maybe I am stupid. Bx keeps telling me to look at the big picture and what he can offer me. Do you know what? I really don't care about the whole materialistic side of things... it's the way that I feel that matters and the way that he feels.

So the big questions are, can this truly last and am I being a total idiot to believe it can?

8 cuts| tear me open

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