I don't know where to start. I want to cry... but I'm not sure if that's because I'm so very happy or if it's because I'm making a big mistake. Driving to work this morning, my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest... I was filled with love and just the most amazing feeling about J. Now, I'm wondering about it again.
Last Sunday night, I went to have dinner with him at his cousin's place, where he's house sitting. I got there and was amazed. He looked... like I wanted to jump him. LOL. He's lost some weight too from rock climbing and although I loved him as he was, he just looked damn good. I got there and we talked for a while and I was standing back and so was he and it was like neither of us wanted to touch each other, or at least, we didn't know if we should. We chatted and I met Missy, Mel's beautiful English Mastiff... who still barks at me (go figure, she's a funny thing). Anyway, he eventually took me into the back room to show me the lizards they have, which are beautiful and we stood there watching them for ages. When we left the room, he stood just past the doorway and I stood behind him in the doorway and he reached out and touched me and then he pulled me to him and we hugged, he kissed my hair numerous times and we both cried in each other's arms.
From then on, it was him reaching out to touch me or hug me and tell me how much he missed me. He told me how good I was looking and how beautiful I am, adding that I always looked good regardless. He kept kissing my hair when he hugged me and my head and then my nose until he gently kissed me on the mouth and asked me if that was ok. From then on we couldn't keep our hands off each other. He told me that he had been so lost and upset without me and that nothing felt right and from the moment I left him a month ago he wanted me back but thought that it was better for me if we weren't together. He cried again and while telling me all of this he told me he loved me. I noticed too that he's wearing my ring again, which along with him saying he loved me meant the most to me because he'd stopped wearing it before the end of the year. I asked him about it and he told me he'd been wearing it since the day after I left last time because he wanted to feel close to me.
We cooked dinner together talking about stuff and how much we missed each other and we sat on the couch watching a movie as we ate. From not long after that, the movie was forgotten and with 2 bottles of wine in our system and cuddled up on the couch in each other's arms, we ended up kissing passionately... and one thing lead to the other, in the lounge and then in the bedroom. The thing that gets me everytime is when we're together having sex and he whispers that he loves me... I can't begin to convey how that feels... it is the most amazing feeling and to have him whisper it to me as we were having sex for the first time in so long made it even more special. Laying there afterwards in his arms was everything to, having him kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am. I left there at about 12.30am and went home happy.
We'd talked about trying again, about seeing where things went and it all felt good and he asked me to go rockclimbing with him on Tuesday night. We didn't end up going because I was a little scared, so instead I went over there and we went to dinner over the road (must mention, had the most awesome chicken burger at the pub!) We came back and had a bottle of wine and put a movie on and cuddled and kissed and then it started all over again. We went from couch to couch, down to the backroom to the couch there then back to the bedroom, lounge room and bed again. LOL. We tried to get the spa going but for some reason it kept shorting all the power to the house! We talked about how being together again wasn't going to be easy and that we had a lot of hard work ahead but that we thought we could do it. We talked about how our friends felt about it, we talked about each other. He told me that not only was I his girlfriend, I was also his best friend and that every time he did something in the last month he always asked himself what I would think or say and how much he missed my opinions. We both broke down and cried at different times, me because I was happy and was so scared of going through all this pain and crap again, him because he was sorry for everything he had done. Finally it all seemed so very different and so very right.
Thursday night he was going to call in on his way home from work (10pm) but Bx just wouldn't go to bed because he had a short day on Friday, so I messaged him to tell him that Bx was up and I was sorry. We both wanted to see each other and he asked me if he could pick me up and take me back to Mel's and drop me home in the morning. I was reluctant. In fact, I changed my mind a trillion times... but in the end he did. I can't even begin to explain the night. We weren't up for very long after getting home because I had to be up early but we had sex again and then fell asleep with each other for the first time since he moved out of my house. Sleeping with him, next to him, being able to wake up and touch him, was everything to me... I was so happy.
Something happened though. It was 6.40am and I'd stayed much later than I should have and when he went to drop me home he picked up his phone and took it with him. Instantly a sick feeling washed over me, like his phone had been on silent all night and he wanted to take it with him to check it as soon as he could. I was plagued with every negative emotion possible and the drive home I tried to be normal but I knew I was distant. From then on I was filled with a sense of horror and foreboding.
Friday night I got a message from him saying he was scared and I asked him why, he wrote because I'll never be able to trust him again and that he's not coping with that. I told him that I was trying but it was going to take time and that we really needed to talk, he agreed and I asked him when and he told me he didn't know. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone and not see him again and his reply was he didn't know and that was the problem, he just didn't know what he wanted anymore. I was terrified. We'd spent the last 5 days telling each other how much we really wanted to work on things and be together and there he was telling me that he didn't know what he wanted. I was confused and upset and went to bed crying.
Saturday morning I broke down. I cried and cried and cried. I was distraught thinking it was over and that just when I thought it could be right all the pain was going to come crashing down on me again. My heart was breaking. He sent me a message telling me he missed me and apologising for being a pain. I asked him when we could talk. He told me he didn't know when we could see each other and talk (we were meant to go to a party he had to go to together that night and then I was going to spend the night with him). I rang him, bawling and he was upset too. He told me he couldn't handle the fact that I didn't trust him and that whenever he talked about his friends my face would change and I would act strange. I wanted to slap him and tell him why the fuck did he think, given everything, but I didn't. We cried and sat silently on the phone for a while and worked out I'd go over there on Sunday (yesterday) to talk.
Saturday night I went to Ryan's for a few hours because my plans for Saturday day time had changed and also obviously for the night, considering I wasn't seeing J. I didn't mind my day plans changing - I spent the morning cleaning - but in the afternoon I managed to mow my lawn, hoorah! It only took me 3 hours. LOL. It was 3 feet high in some places and like a jungle out there for Sage to prowl through. So yes, felt very desperate and upset but also very accomplished after finishing that major task which I'd been trying to find time to do for the last 3 months - appalling, I know.
Saturday night at Ryan's we talked and watched a movie. I was trying to keep my distance and I knew he was wondering about it. That said, I wasn't prepared to tell him that anything was going on with me and J because I didn't know what was happening but I didn't want to risk that by something happening with Ryan either. He came and sat next to me on the floor and he tried to tickle me several times (but I'm rarely ever ticklish when I'm depressed or upset over something) so that didn't work and he tried to kiss me twice on different occassions and I just moved my head to keep him at bay. I let him hug me and that was about all. I left there feeling even more lousy than when I got there.
Yesterday came around and I took 2 bottles of wine and an e with me. Why? Well, I really don't know. I knew we had to talk and that I had to be honest about how I felt with him and that they might help. I didn't exactly think he'd take half with me... although I thought there was the possibility he would (and I almost took one each but thought that wouldn't happen and these ones are quite strong, seeing as he's really not done them before). I got there and we went and cleaned up the yard a bit because Mel and Haoni get back today from their honeymoon. I told him I'd pick up Missy's poo because he's just not used to doing that sort of thing and he picked up the plastic she'd torn. We then played with her little tyre and ran around with her (and miraculously she decided she didn't need to bark at me anymore once I'd played with her, strange dog!) We went inside and had half an e each and opened the bottle of wine and went to the couch to sit. We hugged and sat and talked about going to see the Da Vinci Code but I pointed out if we did that, we wouldn't talk because the movie's like 2.5 hours. So we sat.
Eventually the conversation came up. I asked him why he was scared and we talked about how he was having problems coping with me not trusting him. The conversation and points I'd spent 2 days churning over spilled out. I told him openly and honestly how it hurt me that his friends were telling him to be careful about seeing me again - because although I understand their concern for him - what they were truely missing about the whole situation was that he only ever got hurt as a consequence of what he did to me... I never hurt him with anything I did, he got hurt because he betrayed me and because of the situation that arose from his actions.
I told him that Michael (I lied who said it, because it was actually Bx who said it and has really been getting angry about me seeing him again) pointed out to me that it didn't matter what happened I was niave to think that he wasn't still acting the same way towards his female friends, particularly those who were the issue before... they are still his friends, they haven't disappeared and the fact that I've lost weight doesn't mean that he's any less likely to do exactly the same things to me again. I told him that I couldn't help the way I reacted when he mentioned his friends, that my body just locked up with fear and I had no control over it and he had to understand exactly why it happened and why I couldn't control it. I told him the fear I had about it happening again and that if he could arrange to catch up with someone in the way he wanted to catch up with Michelle that I can't just forget that and say it's all cool and not worry that it wouldn't happen again.
I told him how I remember when we met and how it felt unlike anything else... how it was weird and from the moment I first saw him I felt something there, how I imagined a future with him but how I was always so scared to tell him that is what I wanted. I told him how I felt this sense of connection to him that I hadn't felt with anyone before and how he felt like home to me.
I told him how I knew by the sheer fact he had contacted me and wanted me back in his life that he didn't have the intention of getting me back to hurt us in the same way again and that I truly believed he wanted us to be together BUT it didn't change the fact that things had happened in the past and that because of that there is going to be that little voice in my head for a long time telling me to be suspicious and that won't let me trust him yet but that I thought maybe one day it would go. I told him I loved him and I wouldn't be there putting us both through all of that if I didn't want it to work and didn't believe that somehow it could work.
He got terribly upset. He cried and cried and told me that everything I was saying said that I could never trust him again and that it wouldn't work. I objected and he told me he didn't want to end up like his mum and dad with his mum never trusting his dad, that he could never live like that. I kept trying to tell him that we needed time to work through things. He ended up pulling away a bit and basically saying that he needed some time and asked me to leave. I was devastated and got up and got my things and came back. I was bawling, he was bawling and I told him I really didn't want to leave him like that... I was worried about the alcohol and the drugs and leaving him alone. I told him I'd go sit in another room or outside I just didn't want to leave him on his own. I don't know how it happened but we both ended up on the couch and I was holding him and comforting him and he calmed down. I asked him if he ever thought of the two of us having a future together and he said of course, how could he not. I asked him if that meant growing old together and he said yes and starting a family too. We sat there, just me holding him for a long while. I got up and went to the toilet and when I got back he got up and took me into the bedroom and started taking all my clothes off.
We started having sex and it was lustful and emotion charged and hot. I was on top of him, he was on top of me, he was whispering he loved me and I was telling him how much I wanted it to work, then we were playing and then back to having sex and then he asked me to go with him and we got into the shower and were in there for over 45 minutes before we went back to the bedroom again. That was what would have to be the most passionate sex we've ever had together.... and the longest we've had. All in all we were going at it for over 2 hours, which, with him is a bloody long time (normally it's under 20 mins).
After that we went over to the pub for dinner, another chicken burger, mmmmm. Their menu is rather limited but hey, it's a bloody good burger. We were sitting there watching this little girl push chairs around the place waiting for our dinner and just holding hands and I asked him if he'd ever thought about a future with any of his other gfs and he said only one, his first gf. I'm cool with that... I mean, after all I imagined a future with Nathan all those years ago.
After dinner we went back to Mel's put on another dvd and sat there talking a bit and then we had a bong and tried to drink the second bottle of wine, which was a cheapy someone recommended that tasted like shit. White Shiraz. Blah! Oh well. Again, we ended up in the bedroom and then I helped him with the dishes and played with Missy, who by that stage was wanting lots of love from me, before coming home.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before. I really want this to work. I really want to build that trust between us again. I know it's not going to be easy and he knows that too... but the underlying theme is we both love each other and want to be together. Could it truly be a once off mistake that he made? I want to believe so. Am I a fool for trying to work through this? Maybe. I've imagined my future with him whilst trying not to imagine it at all. I want to be with him. Maybe I am stupid. Bx keeps telling me to look at the big picture and what he can offer me. Do you know what? I really don't care about the whole materialistic side of things... it's the way that I feel that matters and the way that he feels.
So the big questions are, can this truly last and am I being a total idiot to believe it can?