Fuck You's Blurty

Time:

3:17 pm.

So, for anyone following this, I'm back home for the time being. I should have wrote more in this over the summer, and for that I apologize. I sort of became useless over the summer and a complete hypocrite and parody of myself. I feel like I had progressed forward a tremendous deal during the last few years and now, being back for a few days have realize that I have now, some how reverted back to a middle school state.

Speaking of intellectually de-evolving, I had to go back to school a few days ago. To keep myself busy I've been reading a lot of zine, especially anarchist zines - something that I haven't been interested in for a while. The Match and Deathship and amazingly awesome. Since there hasn't been much intellegant in this journal for awhile I'm going to share this thing I wrote in math class yesterday, which I'm sure has been said like a million times before, but oh well, I think it's a pretty good article. I'm thinking about starting a zine, like i've said a zillion times before, but it would be a cool project for this year, and might put this article in:

By the media and clothing companies using the anarchy symbol as a sign of rebellion in youth culture (ie selling patches with the circle A in stores like hot topic) by the upper years in high school youth views anarchism as "immature" in an attempt to sound more intellegent than those who buy into the "anarchy patch fad."
In this there are two ways the media is deterring youth from exploring true anarchist theory. Those who buy in feel that if can buy it, they own it and there is no need for further exploration/ knowledge beyond a simple definition. Those you feel this is "stupid" or "immature", as to make an intellectual distinction between themselves and those who buy into media created fads, often start to feel media creation is what anarchism really is and believe anarchy to be nothing more than rich kids trying to be rebellious and feel no need to explore true anarchist theory, nor will they adopt the title of anarchist for fear they will be associated with the new trend of buying $5 anarchy patches at chain stores. Buying anarchy sign patches at hot topic and the like is exactly what mainstream media whats American youth to. Once again the government has used consumerism and reverse pyschology to deture adolescents from exploring anarchist or any radical theories - something that will last into adulthood and make them good, voting, patriotic citizens.

I don't know if its good enough for a zine. It's sort of immature-ish. I don't know, tell me what you think.

-Fuck. you.

(2 Spat on those under twenty-one | Kill Your European Son)

Subject:	Oh, why hello again.
Time:	1:56 pm.

I haven't updated this thing in a long time. I'm in exile location number 2 for the summer. I've got stories but not very interesting. I'm in an elementary school class room in Grand Junction, Colorado Um, interesting where we end up. and blaring X on my head phones. Johnny hit and Run paulene is the fucking best X song. . Grand Junction is where my aunt lives who I'm staying with for the next two weeks. Grand Junction is this small suburb communitee where all the houses are the same varing in paint color slightly. So, needless to say I'm highly bored. I go for walks in the real late after noon around 8 or 8.30 so I can smoke and some of the sun sets are like fucking amazing.

I hate elementary school teachers. Well, not my aunt. I don't know why, but they annoy the shit outta me. But, I need computer access and this is the only place I'm going to get it. I was in Denver for a week which was actually really cool. The bus schedual is really easy to figure out you can go anywhere pretty much if your willing to do some walking. There are a ton of record stores there, and really good ones - if you take the bus downtown and lots of thrift stores, but they were sorta shitty thrift stores, and some good used book stores. I was staying with my cousin who's really cool. Buys me cigarettes and a little booze. Well, that's cool and everything but not really why I like him alot. He's like one of those gay men who were really cute and a big slut and stuff in college and know he's fat and almost 30 and hates his job, but he's really funny about it. I wish I lived in Denver or some other city instead of a shithole in New Jersey. I hate where I live but I want to be home so much. I'm just fucking tired of not being able to be in my own house and there are some many things I want to do at home and I know that I'm not going to have as much time after school starts. I'm coming home on Aug. 27th, but I don't know what's going to happen when I come back. I'm going to go back to Denver on Aug. 24 and then fly back. I'm thinking about leaving either sometime in the fall or later on a trip or something for a few days or like a week. I want to go someplace cool though, I just don't have any money or anyone to stay with someplace far. I mean some place far that I could get too. Fuck, I really want to be home.

Fuck you.
FUCK YOU.

(Kill Your European Son)

Time:

3:13 pm.

Yeah, so call this the squeal or some gay-ass shit like that. I'm not ready to give up my online journal, not when I am this far from civilization.

If anyone is wondering were I currently am, well, the story is the I'm not "welcome" in my house, well not for the summer at least, my mom (and dad) gave me the "we'll see" about next year, which means that I can come back if my brother decideds to go back to school, which is very likely at this point, so that's not really a concern. Anyway, since I can't stay at home and my friends are all still in high school living at home I can't stay with one of them, fate has put my way out in the boon-docks of upstate NY with my aunt for the remander of July then to Colorado for all of August then "we'll see" about what is going to happen in September. Which means no booze, or drunk times for the rest of July, which is like my number one concern. I have to be really careful about cigarettes too cause I don't want my aunt to know about my smoking. (I'm not sure what will happen in Colorado, we'll deal with that when it comes.) Don't get me wrong, my aunt is super nice.
Yeah, anyway, my aunt lives in the middle of nowhere. I don't mean no where like by a couple of run-down barns and cows, I mean like a house with nothing but miles and miles of grass and trees, which is really awesome. I mean, I would rather be at home, but it's alot better then in some run-down gross town. But, anyway she works at Ithica college and she is taking me to work with her, which is sorta boring but I don't have to do anything and I get off at 2 and can do whatever until 5 when she gets off, so I'm here at the library. It's not a bad library, very private and has an extensive music/ book collection, numerous floors. A very few number of students attend in the summer, so the library is really quite and there isn't any students discussing their papers on Neon-Marxism or some fucking bullshit like that, thank god. I don't know if I want to go to college, the people are so fucking stupid and pretentious and think that they are fucking geniuses because they were idiots in high school and then come to some sort of intelletual "revelation" (i.e. they reach the intellegece level that I reached in 8th grade.) And it's just like high school but bigger and a lot more pretentious. I don't know. I mean, I want an education in art but so many really good artist and writer and etc. are so fucking different from the college/ post- college mentality. Woah, this is way off topic, more about this later.

I'm actually at the library about thats all that I can get to cause it's my first day here and I have no idea where the fuck anything is, and the compus is kinda boring too. I think there is some sorta bus that goes to the town of Ithica or some shit but I have no idea about that cause, like I said, I've only been working for a day and I have to be back at 5, when my aunt gets off from work cause I have no other way of getting back home, cause it's like a 45 minute drive. Yeah, but at least I'm not in the boon - docks 24/7 for three weeks. It's really lonely though, I mean aside from not being able to have drunk times for the whole summer, there is no one at all to talk to, which I am pretty used to, so it's not that bad. The thing that I'm not used to is the constant um... how do I put this... ah.. adult supervision. It's not exactly like my aunt purposely supervising me but that's just the why things have to naturally work out. Like, my mother was always out when I was home and I was always out when she was home (strategically planned out by the both of us. ) But my aunt and uncle don't have any place to go because their house is so isolated and I work with my aunt and go home at 5. It sucks a lot, but it's not as bad as I could be because my aunt is really nice. I just have to be like really careful about smoking and shit. Yeah, don't ask why I got kicked out of my house because there is no logical reasoning behind what my mother does. I could go into an indepth analysis of my hatred for her, but I'll spare you all the "punk rocker, middle class teenager anger at their parents" spiel.

Sorry, this entree was kinda dumb. Boring bullshit about my life, yes, but it was also written really poorly, my appyies. This was less a general entree on my random abservations of the world, more letting Jessie know what I'm up to, although I've already written her two letters in three days. If anyone else finds this though, that's cool.

-Fuck YOU. (yeah, YOU.)

(2 Spat on those under twenty-one | Kill Your European Son)

Time:

8:11 am.

It's eight o'clock (am). I leave at 10.30. I feel indescribably horrible. It sucks to have no control over your life or what is happening in it. I feels like shit to have made something for yourself just to have it taken away, like it has been repeatedly. But, I just feels sorta weird to not be welcome in your house anymore. Yeah, it feels horrible, but it a sorta lucid sort of way, more like terror than upset or hurt. I don't care about my house or my mother, I wish there was somewhere I could stay close to Jessie and Ashley and etc. but unless I want to take up residence on a patch of concrete against a brick wall I've got to go pretty far. I won't give you all the shit about making the best of it, etc., etc., fuck you. Things aren't going to be the same for me, I don't know what it is, but I can just tell.

For those people reading this that don't know me, if there are any, none of this probably makes any sense to you, there have been a lot of gaps and random entrees in this journal.

I might stop keeping it after this entree.

-Fuck YOu.

::scene changes to black and white image of me in a chair against a white back round. I give a half smile. Than I look to the side, tighten the area between the bottom of my eyes and the top of my cheeks and close my eyes. ::

::roll credits::

(1 Spat on those under twenty-one | Kill Your European Son)

Time:

6:22 pm.

Woah, drunk times last night! Pretty depressing night though. People are happy and I'm not. It's alright though.

Did some drinking, did some thinking.

I guess it was depressing because I'm leaving really soon and stuff. It wasn't so much other people making it depressing, people are just doing what they feel which is better than what I do.

The best part ( and possibly the only good part) about living in a small town in New Jersey is that you have one diner which is your default setting place at 1.30 in the morning, drunk, to get disco fries and coffee. Every single time I've drunk in my town i've some how ended up there. So I left everyone and walked home by myself and sat by this river and watched reflextions in the water which were really cool cause a smoked some really good pot. The whole night I was thinking about how maybe what I've chosen for my life and the course that it's followed through out this year, i.e. distance, a-sexuality, is all wrong, all bullshit maybe. Does it really made you smarter, more of a martyr, more fucking elite. Is their really a difference between hypersexuality and a-sexuality? Will one fuck you more up in the end? Maybe I have chosen wrong things this. past year. Not that I think that "become a normal member of society as quick as possible" is anywhere near the right thing to do, nor is it anywhere near what I am going to do. I'm not going to stop isolation either. It's just that what is the point of total isolation? Why even be alive then? Whats the point in a-sexuality?

This isn't what depresses/ freaks me out. I can figure out stuff on my own, you know? What freaks me out is that I found some people that maybe, no, are worth my time/ friendship/etc. but I have no control over the level of isolation I will have. The fact of the matter is that I will be almost totally isolated or totally isolated, which is in total contradiction with what i think, no, what I know is right for my life now. Forced isolation,by these assholes in authority, from people you don't want to be away from is just as fucked up as forced interaction with people, i.e. like in school, from people you need to be isolated from in order to better yourself. And we wonder why people can't relate to each other. We wonder why true friendship is made damn near impossible. No wonder why people are so divided, blowing up countries/ races of people we don't even now. You do realize that the human race is fucked up beyond any repair.

I went to a flea market in the park by my house today. This guy was selling all these really awesome records for really cheap. I got 9 for 30 bucks and the guy complimented by taste and marked down prices cause I bought so much. Not bad human interaction for a society totally fucked. It's good to have great music.

Walk on the power lines and fry,
-Fuck You.

Blurty for Fuck You.

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