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Sunday, July 13th, 2003
12:27 am - two beds and a coffee machine..
..actually, it was one king-sized bed and an old tv. but it was that and me and BB and hours alone in private spent holding on. (holding out because we wanted more)

holding each other. hugging, kissing, feeling, relaxing.

hopefully she's coming here in august. and we'll have more. more time, more closeness.

more us.

current mood: loved
current music: Tatu - All The Things She Said

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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
10:36 pm - I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind..
You know what sucks?

When you have potentially REALLY good news, and the one person you can't wait to tell it to, the one person who matters more than anything, has horrible news that your good news can't fix because, well, first of all it's not so easy to just fix bad news, but on top of it, your good news is Your Good News. Not theirs.

And then you feel like crap because you don't deserve good news, and they do. You're the one who deserves to be constantly shit on, not them.

This world is fucking backwards as all hell.

current mood: guilty
current music: ewan mcgreggor - your song

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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
10:29 pm - life is like a game sometimes.
I think Angel is all some big tripped-out dream of Fred's.

No, seriously. Hear me out. There's a lot of focus on Fred, and most of her story is So. Fucking. Out there.

I bet she's still on some acid in college and she's just tripping hard, and she'll wake up and go "Dude, that was some fucked-up shit." and then suddenly get sucked into Pylea and the whole thing will start over again, except she'll get it on with Tara at some point.

Oh. Yeah.

current mood: sympathetic
current music: avril - naked

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Thursday, April 10th, 2003
1:02 am - They should have stuck with "Clorox".
i just don't get joss anymore.

not at all.


"can i just ask you--what the hell are you people doing?" - faith

current mood: depressed

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Saturday, April 5th, 2003
8:47 pm - I know a whoopee spot.
Well. I see a lot of familiar faces around here. Lacy, Cassie, Lizlet.. and a few other people I don't particularly recognize but know I know them from Eljay just the same.

Abortretryfail.. I'll give you a shiny nickel to tell me who you are. Because I thought you were Mary, but your profile says united states. I suck and i"m drawing a blank.

Anyway. Um. My life kinda sucks right now. But I don't wanna talk about that at the moment. Suffice to say that as of today, I have another nervous breakdown under my belt.

FEBulous.

We bummed around tonight.. went shopping and I got pink ballet slippers (actual slippers, not the dancing kind, but I can pretend just the same. And BB said she'd give me a pair of her old slippers anyway, which mean much more to me than store-bought.) and a tanktop that has blue paisley on it.

CM HATES paisley. This is my subtle revenge.

Lee Greenwood came here today and performed "God Bless America" and "Proud To Be An American" at this rally for the troops we had. Unfortunately, I missed it because it was too damn hot outside and we didn't know what was going on. We were just coming back from seeing Chicago. What a fucking fantastic movie.

I *am* Roxie Hart.

And all that jazz.

current mood: confused
current music: Mama Cass Elliot - Make Your Own Kind of Music

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1:36 am - and i have felt the same.
sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that she might take me back one day.


and the only thing that ruins that for me is the knowledge that she never will.

current mood: lonely
current music: lifehouse - simon

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Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
10:21 pm - i danced myself into the tomb..
dancing on my grave. that's me. in my head, anyway. i've been filled with a sort of blistering sadness since yesterday that seems to be burning my skin like the summer sun. i feel the urge to utter the melodramatic phrase, "my life is ruined". because, really, it is.

i ruined it myself. i allowed the disease and sickness to take over my mind and now my life's been ruined. i find no joy in anything, and when i do get a moment of happiness, it's over quickly. like a flash of rainbow-streaked lightning that is at once jolting and thrilling and then dissipates so quickly that it's as though it was never there.

i just want to put on a pair of ballet slippers once more. let them slide onto my feet and feel the power surging up both legs right to my heart.

regrets? i have a few, maybe.

maybe i'm meant to be what i am. maybe i'm an example--the poster child for what not to be when you grow up.

once upon a time, i had so many dreams.

dust to dust. ashes to ashes..

we all fall down.

current mood: depressed
current music: t. rex - cosmic dancer

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Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003
9:26 pm - i danced myself right out the womb..
I always knew it was in my heart to dance. I felt it in my very bones when I was five and I put on my first pair of ballet slippers.

Then it died. Slowly at first, in the locker room. The other girls laughing at fat little La, her dreams of being a fairy in pointed slippers slowly folding deep within her.

But I kept doing it. I kept slipping on that leotard in the bathroom stall, the door locked tightly so no one would see. Soft shoes sliding on. Padding down the hall to the gym and sitting cross-legged on my "po-po" and watching Mme. Noelle pace back and forth, telling us that we were messy and imperfect and that we ought to be less concerned with everyone else in the class and more concerned with where our feet were.

We stretched and took our places at a fold-out barre next to the padded gym wall. We plied and bourred across the floor.

We jazzed to Ice Ice Baby as a cooldown. I took my backpack, stuffed with my clothes, and went home in my leotard. I loved it.

I loved dancing.

Then we moved. And CM didn't sign me up for more lessons. And I got older.

And now I am here. And I have kept this folded within myself for years.

And the minute I get the courage to speak it aloud.. to share my fragile dream with someone else.. Na tells me that I can't go back. No money. Too far.

I'm folding again.

current mood: numb
current music: T. Rex - Dancing When I Was 12

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3:27 am - i'm losing the fight to stay alone.
Usually I tell BB everything.. but I can't seem to admit to her that I might be sick. Everytime I put anything in my stomach for the past few weeks, it hurts and I get nauseous. Now for the past few days, my stomach has been rolling and cramping--making it difficult to breathe.

Something's not right.

I just don't know what it is.

I just don't want her to worry.

current mood: owch.
current music: donna lewis - falling

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1:54 am - but what if i'm a mermaid?
Thud. Thud. Thud.

Thick solid echoing beats. Soft tissue turning purple with my drum solo, vulnerable wrist-skin meeting hard chairarm and turning turquoise, blue, purple, black.

I could have ropeburn on my wrists and they bruise and I get free and I cut, cut into flesh and kill it. Kill the big bad, I'm fighting evil. Evil in me. In you. Always in you.

I could be a rock star, all glitter-glam banging on the skins.. skin.. Oh, yeah. It's black now, so I'll stop.

The walls are small. No. The room is. They're closing in and I'm suffocating, bleeding out through my lungs. They contract like the walls and twist, moving around and around. Closing and opening and pumping and forcing something out.

It hurts but I can take it.

I can take anything.

current mood: tired
current music: tori amos - silent all these years

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
11:31 pm - not seventeen.
planning to go out for a smoke and then come in and decorate my pants some more. i am putting.. stuff. writing. all over these jeans. Na shall flip. but i want to cover them in words.

words are the be-all end-all of everything. they are communication, emotion, expression. they can be poetic and drawn out, or short and to the point. but words are important.

i was always told as a kid to use my words. i have a tendancy to keep everything inside until i burst. now i've learned to use my words and dammit, i'll wear them across my arse if i want to.

so there.

current mood: sad

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