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Blurty for Tear Striken.
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| Friday, February 13th, 2004 |
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haha suckers.... |
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| Friday, January 30th, 2004 |
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My birthday is tomorrow and I'm having so many people coming over! I hope they have fun and stuff. And I'm turning 16.....yea! I don't care about the presents; I care for having company over for my birthday and having a shit load of fun! Midterms this week weren't that bad! I worried and stressed myself over them. I passed the driving test with a 90! yea permit here we come! I'm in a happy mood now! :) Yesterday Neil this really perverted stalker wouldn't leave me alone. I turned him down so many times for being his little "girlfriend." I blocked him and he came up with 10 different s/ns to im me! ugh! Hopefully he doesn't im me. Such in happy mood everything is actually going the way I want it to! Please let this last! |
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| Saturday, January 24th, 2004 |
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When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so fucking special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice when I'm not around You're so fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell I'm doing here? I don't belong here She's running out again She's running out She runs runs runs Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fucking special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here a wonder song creep by radio head. thats how I feel. I like someone more than a friend....i want to tell him. I really do. it's just that i hate rejection. I hate it. So i'm not taking a risk. I never take risks any more. I want to be special. I want to be loved by somebody that i love. i can't have it. maybe its because of im a bitch. maybe i'm not special. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown by the end of the week...maybe in the middle. I don't care for my birthday anymore...i don't care about my party. I hate midterms i hate everything. i want someone to hold me and let me cry and give me love. thats all i need. i want it so bad. and its snowing outside. i hate fucking snow. i was told i was sexy when i'm angry....yea well thats just great. my bestfriend told me. fuck you your the most confusing person i have ever met! you have a fucking girlfriend.....you shouldn't be saying these things to me and its making me think you like me. and i hate you for that! your breaking me down. i'm just a freak that nobody understands. i don't even understand my self. i don't sleep well anymore i cry more and more each day. i'll never make an impact on this world. |
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2004 |
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>******the basics****** >1. Full name: um no >2. Birthday: January 31 1988 >3. Location: yea >4. Where else have u lived: not telling >5. School/mascot/colors: no school spirit >6. How big is your school: small thats how i like it >7. Zodiac sign: aquaries haha little fuckers they made a song about my horo! >8. Shoe size: 10 >9. Height: 5'7" >10. Pets: 7 cats and a dog >11. Siblings: sis and bro >12. Eye color:brown >13. Hair color: wavy brown hair >14. Hair lenth: short >15. Ever died ur hair?: yea >16. What color?:blonde and red >17. Year: what? meaning sop? >18. Are u good in school?: yea i guess >19 hobbies: listening to music, writing poetry and books, drawing, painting, basketball and softball >20. Nicknames: Mogwai >21. What languages do you speak? german >22. Do you play sports? softball and basketball >23. Where were you born? dunno >24. Are you a night or a morning person? night, I'm a vampire >25. Are you ticklish? not telling you >26. Do you believe in god? i dunno still trying to find my religon >27. Do you have any other screen names?: yea >28. What are they?: secret keeping my lips sealed >29. Do you have braces?: yea they fucking suck! >30. Do you have glasses/ contacts?: contacts > >!!!!!!getting personal!!!!!! >31. What do you want to be when you grow up?: art teacher, rockstar, or social studies teacher >32. What was the worst day of your life?: the day i entered school >33. What is your most embarrassing story? um yea >34. What has been the best day of your life? the day i hooked up with my now bestfriend >35. What comes first in your life? anyone that i love, family and friends >36. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? nope only crush >37. What are you most scared of?: seeing the ones i love die in front of my eyes >38. If you had an extra set of eyes were would you put them? is this a question? wtf! >39. What do you usually think about before you go to bed? an alternate universe where I find the best lover >40. What do you regret the most?: losing the best relationship i ever had >41. If you could be anything without consequences, what would u be?:a crazy person...wait i'm already that > >$$$$$$favorites$$$$$$ >42. Movie: The princess and the warrior >43. Song: Down In a Hole by Alice In Chains >44. Band/group: Alice in chains, Soad, A perfect circle, placebo, deep purple so many more! >45. Store: anything that has clothing >46. Relative: no >47. Sport: to play - softball, basketball >48. Vacation spot: a place where i can be alone with my love >49. Ice cream flavor: cookies and cream >50. Fruit: strawberries >51. Candy: reeses >52. Car: convertable dodge viper >53. Class: yea >54. Holiday: any wicca holiday >55. Day of the week: fritag-friday >56. Color: pink >57. Magazine: circus no its not a magzine about clowns and shit you cunt....its about rockbands! >58. Name for a girl: Monika >59. Name for a boy: Stefan or Ivan >60. Sports team: Red Wings >61: month: May >62. Man athlete: dunno >63. Female athlete: dunno >64. Actress: Reece Ritherspoon did I spell that right? >65. Actor: Benno Furmann >66. Tv show: Viva la Bam, Csi, Csi Miami, Wild Boys >67. Web site: www.sinistervisions.com >68. Animal: Cats, peacocks >69. E-mail buddy: never im me or email got it? >70. Joke: boberson >71. Saying: boberson my imgainary friend is my partner >72. Word: ironic, i guess fuck too >73. Brand of shoes: vans baby! >74. Radio station: fuck the radio >75. Room in your house: my room >76. Concert you have been to: ska concerts >78. President: hmm hard one >79. Salad: organic with russian dressing or thousand island >80. Meat: not much meat >81. Pizza topping: pineapples >82. State:no >83. City: no >84. Lake: no >85. Ocean: no >86. Place to be: in back room playing playstation 2 or the sims on the computer >87. Smell: gardenias >88. Sound: the bass of rock and roll! >89. Taste: fruits! >90. Feeling: empty >91. College: dunno yet >92. Number: 13 >93. Book: The Blue Fairy, Anne Rice Novels, and The Last Vampire >94. Vacation spot: um wait i answered this little fucker who the fuck made this stupid survey up? >95. Grandma: doesn't talk to my family anymore what a bitch >96. Grandpa: doesn't talk to my family anymore follows the bitch >97. Cereal: COOOOOKKKKIIEE Crisp |
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| Friday, January 16th, 2004 |
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i'm not going to trash people in here like someone I know. Sam your right people are hypocrites these days. I hate most people in school. I don't even have the guts to tell a guy that i like him, i'm afraid of rejection. why do i have to be scared all the time. all i'm asking is a boy to h/o me in their arms when i'm crying and kiss me and tell me everything is ok. i'm afraid to have a realtionship but yet i want one at the same time. Maybe it's because all of the relationships i did have sucked. Like being cheated on, being called a ugly bitch, or lying to me about how they loved me. It goes on and on. drink up to my shitty life! bottom's up! |
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| Thursday, January 15th, 2004 |
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today I can hardly put words to it. I wanted to just run away and never come back. i'm no longer happy. so many people think I want them to pity me. Don't fucking pity me I don't want anyone else getting depressed because of me. There should be a game, a game on how many times you can make me cry. I bet you would win. I looked in the mirror and saw every flaw. my nose, my eyes, my chin, my lips, my teeth, my eyebrows. I saw myself ugly, stupid, a bitch, an uncaring person, a crybaby, an annoying person, and selfish. I cried alone today, I always do. Thats what makes me cry even more because I have no one to hold. I broke a promise..... |
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2004 |
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I still feel lonely and helpless inside. I'm waiting for that lover boy to come along...I'll be waiting for a long time. I feel like crying I'm sorry I'm depressed all the time...it's just how I am. Maybe nothing can feel this empty space that I feel. I'm corny, I know that already. Cami told me to talk to someone about it...I don't want to. For some reason I just don't want to. She also told me to take care of my self. I'm too busy helping my friends out to care for myself. I care so much for you guys! I would die for you. I hope you know this. I have a feeling you don't know how much I care. I have a feeling must of you are drifing from me. I feel I've changed since last year. For the worse. Everything is bothering me: tests, homework, lack of sleep, basketball, no love life, can't do any thing right, and friends have issues. I always help them I feel its a friend's duty to help their friends. But somthing inside me tells me people are ignoring me. I'm so paraniod. My nights have been dreamless. I'm becoming lazy, I barely get out of the house anymore, and I'm tried everyday. |
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| Monday, January 5th, 2004 |
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Today I felt that no one cared for me. Its just this feeling that I have. I feel that I am drifitng from my friends. It just feels different today. or maybe it's just Monday. I really don't know. I don't feel the same as I normally do. It hard to explain. I said hi to so many people today and alot didn't say hi back. For those of you who don't know, that makes me feel like you don't even feel like I exist. I feel so alone right now. You know right about now I'm sick of hearing love sick of seeing couples in the hallway sick of it all. Maybe it's because I'm jealous that I can't feel love. I'll be one of those old lonely lady that lives in a little tiny home all by myself with a 100 cats. Also the little children would make up little stories of how I am an evil witch in disgiuse or how the little house is haunted. The only things that I would have is my garden and cats. It doesn't make up for a human's compassion though. I'm afraid to be alone. I'm so negative towards my self. I had cami check like a milliond times of my mat board to make sure it was ok. I always think there is something wrong with everything I do. I feel ugly and alone, and I get paraniod that my friends hate me or talking behind my back. I can't even spell....geez. I feel like I'm not doing well in school. Please just make me happy again when I used to be. I wish i was happy again. It just no use. Please Mr. Sandman Bring Me A Dream! |
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| Saturday, January 3rd, 2004 |
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Recap: Babysat for 3 days each 8 hrs and watched 5 kids. Most of the time they were little angels. We played candy land, watched tons of movies, painted, and danced to disney music. Anthony kissed my cheek and gave me a hug. he cried to his mom that he wanted me to stay. So I guess I did a good job! :) made a 160 bucks! hell ya! Got in trouble for not telling my mom I was walking around westville. I forgot to tell her where I was..opps Was supposed to go to a party...he never called to tell me when it was....grr x mas: I got sims makin magic, watch, earrings, logo maker for t-shirts, perfect circle, godsmack, placebo, the smiths t-shirt, clothes, soul caliber 2 for ps 2, the gremlins 1,2 movie, bobble head mogwai, and i think thats it oh and egg nog mix..yum! then a 20 dollars to sam goody...I like best buy better oh well. New years eve....watched tv...very sad lonely eve. Got into alice in chains! love them! Making one of my art projects of layne! and making a shirt! Things for the next 2 weeks: Creative writing: 30 paged story, study for midterms, mat art projects, finish art projects, and I think thats it oh and driver ed test. busy busy busy! Winter break was boring...oh well back to school only one more day...tear tear. |
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| Wednesday, December 31st, 2003 |
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No new year resolutions for me....blah I don't even keep them. I never had a friend who did well at least no one I knew about. I suck at keeping goals. I put them off. i have so many goals. I'll never do them I start them and never finish. I'm so incomplete! I've been babysitting alot....maybe some money so i can get more music cds which inspire a lot of my art works believe it or not. I usually put candles on with some type of music....Usually metal of some type. I get something sweet to drink to bring up with me to my room. I work alone at me easel and stool. Everything has to be neat in there. Don't ask..lol. And then I just work at my porject until I feel I'm done. I sometimes don't finish art work. My goal is that...to finish my art work! I love doing art. I can't live with out that and music. This may sound werid but one thing I like to do is stare out of the car window when I'm going places and look at the faces of all the people. You can tell if they are having a good day or not. I also stare at the woods that I would love to walk through. When I get involved with music...I look up that certain band that I am listening to and learn their life. That helps understand their feelings through their songs. Alot of people listen to just the melody of music. I listen to everything. The flowing of the words rolling of the tonge of talented artists and the melody that some how matches the artist's feelings. I love how music makes you feel. |
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| Friday, December 26th, 2003 |
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I feel so empty....I don't know why. My friend pat hasn't called for what time his party is...oh well one less present to worry about. I'm not calling him...I'm sick of him not caring so why the fuck should I care? He said he'll call... I just want to pull out my hair right now. Winter break is going to go so well I can feel it...yea right! I'll just clean, or get some of my creative juices flowing. Tomorrow's plans=Boringness. Still a little sick..its going away slowly. |
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| Thursday, December 25th, 2003 |
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| I just found out that too many of my friends like the same Guy I truely love. Or so I think I love..thats another story. So anyway as I was saying I dearly adore this person and would give up the world for. Put the one thing I can't do is hurt my friends doing this. They don't know that I like him..good. I'll keep my lips sealed. He'll never find out. I rather hurt myself than hurt my friends. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a caring person But I can't deny what I am. I care too much about people. And I can't take care of my self...my friends and family come first before my well being. I just want everyone to know how I feel. I went out in my cold backyard with out a jacket and cried asking why do I have to have everything happen to me. I cried alone...wishing that anybody was there to hug me and wrap me in their arms. Just let the pain sink deeper.... | ||||||
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Christmas was....ok....I got everythign that I wanted...new clothes, sims makin magic, cds, playstation 2 game, movies, a watch and earrings...but it still seems empty. I wonder what it is. Don't get me wrong I like what my parents gave me and everything and also thankful. Onto the better news, Cami thanks so much for that picture! Your so sweet! muah! wuv you cami! Merry Christmas Rob, Nae, Sam, Pat, Cami, Megan, Jen, Mell, Lindy, Ryan, Heather, Christy, Sam, and anybody else I forgot. It doesn't matter most of you don't read my journal...lol. Still sick! |
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| Wednesday, December 24th, 2003 |
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I was reading about how rolling stone had the 500 greatest bands. Who are they to stay that whos better than who. People have different lists of their favorite rock bands. So its damn near impossible to list the 500 greatest bands. Music is music, people like different bands. A person can't say that one band is greater than another...because another person feels a different way. Yes your to voice what you like but putting it in a magzine just fucked up. Also on mtv the grouped all the greatest bands of rock and roll. My list compared to theirs is very much different. Almost everyones' is. There you have it folks next time you hear someone say I think this is the greatest band of all time, and you disagree; don't argue with them your not going to change their mind. Just say that you like something else, but don't tell them that they are worng. No one is worng and no one is right. Anyway, My head is killing me with the endless snot running from my nose. Grr I hate being sick. Someone cure me! |
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I'm still sick....grr....I lost my voice too. Ny dad is getting cough drops and vapor rub for me. Yuppie! Christmas Eve.....this month went so quick. My room's a mess and I didn't do my chores...I feel like shit. I have to wrap so many gifts. I'm listening to alice in chains right now. I love Layne Staley. Thats the vocals of alice and chains. I love his dark voice. I think they are so much better than alot of the grunge bands like sound garden,pearl jam, and nirvana. Layne Staley is so hot too. He od at the age of 34. Thats so sad. He was an amazing guy. He was found in his Seattle home on April 19, 2002. His body had been decomposing for 2 weeks. I wonder what his last thoughts when he was dying. I always wonder about those things.So here it is kiddies; don't do drugs! I know you have heard it a million times from your parents or from school. So don't join the bandwagon; don't do drugs. Onto a better note, I have a party sometime this week. It's my bestfriend's Pat's Birthday. Yuppie. I'm going to buy him a godsmack t-shirt and play dough. Lol inside joke. And over christmad break I should be hanging out with rob, and having a sleep over with sam and nae. I'm trying to have to a lot of fun before I got back to school. I love music so much. I love how songs have so many messages. I love the fact you feel the pain of the song or the happiness of the song. I can't live without music. |
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| Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003 |
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| The subject of love I think is a very touchy subject. I really never felt love. I told so many of my ex's that I loved them. Did I truly love them? I know most of them didn't truly love me. But how do I know if I love someone if I never felt it? I'm so confused right now; I want to be able to love someone. I want someone to love me! I want to look forward to calling someone after school and exchanging "sweet" conversations. I want someone to kiss me. I want someone to hold me when I'm crying. I want to hold hands with this person and meet them at secret spots of school. Yes I know I'm in highschool, but I want to feel love now! Is this too selfish to ask? | ||||||||
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Sick...and grumpy those two don't mix very well. I had a bio test, which by the way wasn't that bad. I got presents. I wish there was this magica pill that makes you better in a sec. But no there's not. Damn! I'm going to be sick for christmas. Can my life get any fucking worse. I hate being sick. Grr I ms. grinch right now. I was told my nose looked like micheal jackson. grr does it really? Is it werid that I like reading about serial killers? |
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| Sunday, December 21st, 2003 |
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| last night i had like 7 cans of soda and didn't get any sleep. I was at a sleepover. We had a pillow fight, exchaged secrets, makeovers; the usual girl stuff. I have a bio test tues, fuck bio! | ||
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| Saturday, December 20th, 2003 |
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Christmas is coming around and I'm really not that excited this year. Maybe its because I'm not a child and that santa was only fictitious. The hoilday spirit is no longe in me. Yesterday I was shouting out christmas songs on my way to Target. My friends and I were coming from the mall and crossing the busy street. I hate most drivers. They won't even stop. We also saw elf. The movie was cute. I want to be happy but somehow I can't |
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| Sunday, November 23rd, 2003 |
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| This will be my last jounal entry. No one reads it anymore. No comments are left. I don't type in it anymore and I barely leave comments for my blurty friends. So farewell my blurty friends and blurty. I'll leave my old entries for anybody willing to read, but this it my last one. If you want to know whats going on, I don't have enough money for christmas presents, which sucks! my life is boring. Its the same fucking routine. My friend tried to commit sucide. I think I hurt a friend because he had a crush on me and i told him I don't feel that way and that you can't love someone in highschool. I have a crush on a guy but I really think there is no hope. I have a crush on another guy but i don't have the guts even ask him out. I hate school, my lunch table is with two people I really don't like, all my other friend's tables are full. My bestfriend rarely talks to me and I feel like were drifting it feels like he's bored. I wish everything would just be fucking great in reality its hell. So farewell so departing is such sweet sorrow. | ||||||
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Blurty for Tear Striken.
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cheerful.
crushed.
numb.
determined.
weird.
stressed.
sick.