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Champagne Supernova

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[20 Aug 2003|09:50pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

::sings happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear meeeee... happy birthday to meeeeeeeeee!::

Yeah, I'm 18 today.
As is Becky. Happy birthday dear!! ^_____^

Today was nice, glad I decided to go out instead of wallow sitting at home crying over my childhood fast slipping away. Sigh Oh, the drama. ::rolls eyes:: Bah. =)

Well, it was better than last year ... at least I didn't have some (by some I mean 25) barbiturates with some strawberry shortcake. Heh...

So today I am eighteen; for the world, an adult.
No longer able to claim the sanctuary behind the gauzy silhouette of childhood.

What of it?

I’m an adult. What of it?

I don’t feel any different from yesterday; the day I was still seventeen. I still have my little girl voice and I’m still half blind without my glasses. I still bite my nails and chew the inside of my cheeks when I’m worried...

"I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottom of my trousers rolled…"


Off course, how could I NOT quote Tommy on my birthday of all days? ;]

I must say turning 18 has been better so far than turning 17 was. But what do I know -shrug- I've been 18 for less than a day.

2 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

[19 Aug 2003|06:40pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Your Name: afroza hossain
Your Date of Birth: 8/20/1985

Past

Algiz - Protection, fortunate influences, fate on your side, victory and success, good luck and personal strength.

Present

Isa - Cessation of energy, freezing an issue where it stands, cooling relationships, separation, division.

Future

Perdhro - Unexpected gains, hidden secrets coming to light, discovering that which has been lost, spiritual evolution.

2 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

[21 Jul 2003|11:00pm]
[ mood | blah ]

-shrug- all the cool kids are doing it...

The Soundtrack for my life:

Album Title: A.S.H. is to ashes (having cool initials rock, no?)

Title Song: "ashes to ashes" David Bowie
Opening Act: "bittersweet symphony" The Verve
Childhood: "two beds and a coffee machine" Savage Garden & "burn" The Cure
Family: "lake of fire" Nirvana
Friends: "no excuses" Alice In Chains & "stand by me" Oasis
Life: "heaven's coming down" The Tea Party
Seduction: "taste" Lorna Vallings & "dance of envy" Dil To Pagal Hai
Petulance: "just a little girl" Amy Studt
Hope: "it can't rain all the time" Jane Sibbery
Love: "judith" A Perfect Circle & "tainted love" Marilyn Manson
High: "around the world" ATC & "i wanna be sedated" The Ramones
Society: "atmosphere" Joy Division & "closer" Nine Inch Nails
Me: "walking wounded" The Tea party & "gutter ballet" Savatage
Background Music: "messiah" Handel & "the sound of atom splitting" Final Fantasy (The Techno Mix)
Finishing Act: "the end" The Doors

I'm going to burn myself my life's soundtrack for my 18th birthday. Wheeee

On a side note: Got my AP scores today.
AP English: 5 (eat dirt Ms. Kaufman, hypocritical condescending bitch that you are)
AP American: 5 (was a piece of cake, slept for the last 40 minutes of it)
AP Calculus: 4 (bah, math sucks anyway)
I now have 18 acceptable college credits. Insomnia during the last two years of HS paid off well.

And... I point and laugh at Judy Chen with her 2 in English, which is probably one of the easier APs. Dr. Cocchiarelli might crucify her if he ever gets his hands on her ... and I just might watch, for amusement.

1 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

[21 Jul 2003|12:02am]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Marilyn Manson "tainted love" ]

Big unexpected party today. In spite of myself, I had fun. And I was so close to pulling off that sulky, fuck-you-all teenager thing too. Damn!

My dad's childhood best friend, who now lives in Jersey came over, he's also related to my mother through her first cousin or something.
Really cool people.

Their son, Jason, is the same age as Trisha. They drew a picture together and Aklima took a gazillion pictures of them together! So cute! I kept teasing Trisha that Jason is her boyfriend and she kept getting mad at me and telling me that boys are ugly and gross. Hahah, poor Jason looked crushed and got all huffy and puffy. Sigh. Being five is magical, no?
The other child, Mehnet, is one, and is the most adorable baby in the world ... minus the drooling thing. I adore children, all my maternal instincts come out when I'm in a large group of children. Thats why Meg and Trisha likes me more than they like Aklima. ^____^

My dad's friend is a Comp Sci professor at Rutgers, they live 2 streets away from the main campus. And I, now, have an invitation for a week/[end] around early August to New Brunswick. They supposedly have a really nice historic house with an attic guest room! &&& a picturesque pond with ducks! Ducks!! These people have ducks! ... Ok, so the idea tickles me more than it should because I'm such a city kid, but ducks!!! -runs around crying ducks for a few minutes-
Anyway going to Rutgers [or near it] means I get to see Steve and Amanda. So Yay.

And speaking of invitations, Dad's cousin just had a new baby so he called this morning and asked Mum if Aklima and I would like to go to the naming and such party-like things and stay with them for two weeks toward end of August ... in California! He has offered to pay for half the ticket expense and what not so hopefully, we'll be allowed to go even though Aklima is less than thrilled with the idea. She doesn't want to miss out on her summer program thing. Bah. I'll have to sweet talk her into it.
I'd like to go. Anything to get away from *them* for a few weeks. And my youngest Uncle from that branch and I get along really nicely. He's really cool; he's this uber geek who just graduated from Berkeley this year. He majored in Chemical Engineering with a minor in Ancient Greek (yup, he's cool!). He's one of my favorite relatives actually, and the fact that we're so close agewise leaves no room for the whole uncle-niece formalities shpiel.

Lets see, getting back to today, one of my dad's far off cousins was also here. His two year old son is a terror but I love that baby! He has beautiful eyes, eyes girls are going fall right-and-left for in about 14 years or so. I've baby-sat him a few times so now he's all chummy with me and when he saw me, he ran/waddled into my room and planted a big slobbering kiss on my face and imperiously climbed into my lap and started banging on the desk.
Did I mention how lovable children are!?
They are the only beings who know how to love you properly; unconditionally.
I detest my aunt though, materialistic bitch that she is. Bah.

My mother's younger sister's friend is visiting from London and she popped by also. She's hot, and pretty brilliant. Her favorite poet is Ezra Pound!! She can, flawlessly, quote a big chunk of Cantos! But what really got me was the fact that she loves The Tea Party!!!!!!!! I think my eyes got marble sized and I kept thinking, "Will you marry me? ...and subsequently take me away from this horrendous place to skip into an anglosunset with you??"
She just got her Masters from London University, so she isn't that old.

Mum, because she probably felt guilty for not letting me go to the Siren Festival yesterday, made all the dishes in my favorite way. But I'm not Afrosty the Snowbitch for nothing, let her suffer. I will not be speaking to her anytime soon. Yeah .. I'm well aware I sound like a brat. But I really wanted to go, but she had to be sadistic and bitchy and ruin it by putting me on house arrest.

Found out some weird stuff about my father from his childhood friend. Hahah! My father used to be at the top of his class all through his childhood well into his adolescents. And get this, he used to be shy! Whoa, my s.o.b. father, shy!
And the world shall never cease to amaze me.

Tra laa la...
I think I'll go stuff my face with chicken palau, mango chutney, and some fresh lychees now.

There's Nothing But the Night

[19 Jul 2003|01:02am]
Meaningless updates. Singing along to Tea Party now.

1:00 AM and I'm still here, much to my brain's chagrin. Go to sleep! it screams. Go now before more havoc is created!

Bah. Trying to kill time, brain going into overload and I can't think anymore. And I think I think too much
There's Nothing But the Night

[19 Jul 2003|12:50am]
12:50 and we've now gone beyond the realm of weird.

By the way, everyone should listen to Tea Party because they are awesome.
There's Nothing But the Night

12:32 and I'm wide awake [19 Jul 2003|12:32am]
[ mood | weird ]

R.B. scares me. I wish he won't say some of the things he's saynig... and wants to say.

Sigh. Such complications. Lemme go hide under the blankets and ignore this. Maybe it'll go away when I come out.

There's Nothing But the Night

[17 Jul 2003|03:05pm]
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.

I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
-Sylvia Plath

"Then came human beings; they wanted to cling but there was nothing to cling to, and that was unfortunate. For them.
As for me, I forgot. I never remembered anything but myself."
-Albert Camus
There's Nothing But the Night

[17 Jul 2003|02:44pm]
I want to be Stephen Dedalus' mistress.
There's Nothing But the Night

[17 Jul 2003|12:46pm]
[ mood | listless ]
[ music | Elton John "your song" ]

I have a list of songs to listen to when I wants to reminisce about the past and prepare for changes, big big changes. I've been listening to the songs constantly since last night. when was it? 2:00 AM that I had my epiphany, damn Charles, dammit. I didn't want to think about all this, it's only the middle of July! I am not ready for changes!
I want to stamp my foot and pout and sulk, the 5 year old in me is having a field trip.

I wish people won't constantly remind me of the changes awaiting on the horizon, I don't want things to change. But being childish about it will not get me anywhere. I'm thinking about all the could-haves and the would-haves and I'm realizing what an idiot I've been for the last four years. Fuck. This hurts my head.

Yesterday was such a weird psychedelic day because of all this. After talking to Charles on Tuesday night, or Wednesday morning if you prefer, about fucking changes, I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night long and kept waking up to get drinks of water. Sigh. I need absinthe and valium. Or maybe some unadulterated vodka.

I don't want to let go ... my friendships mean a lot. At the end of the day, they are the only meaningful things I have left...
Fuck it! I don't like this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to say good bye. And you people can't make me! So there! Don't you even try giving me the clichè goodbyes, I do not care for them.

Blah.

The picnic on Tuesday was really great, I had fun despite very wet underclothing. It was really good to see all my friends together in one setting. I'm glad I organized this Ides of July Central Park picnic. The only thing that didn't go according to plan was Ewa getting lost and thus missing it. Water fights, random gay guitarists, runaway puppies called Sarah, great smelly goat conversations, donating leftover food to homeless women are only a few of the highlights of that day. Sigh. Everyday should be as nice as my Ides of July was.
Lets see, I should thank all of the people who came, so here goes...
Ming, Gloria, Charles, Siobhan, Howard, Diana, Linda, Mattheuw, Gail, Nick, Benish, Kathy, Henry, Winnie, Alan, Aklima, Mary, and Deo.
Thanks guys, for a perfect day.

I hate good byes... I'm sorry. I will probably not say the things you will want me to say, or do the things you will want me to do. I will probably seem fake and detached. And you will probably end up hurt and resentful becasue of my lack of displayed emotions. I am sorry.

I think I'll go pop some amitriptyline pills with advil now and sleep. I don't want to think, thinking is bad. Bad bad bad.

There's Nothing But the Night

[12 Jul 2003|08:12pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I started a community!
Please join and make me feel loved, ts_eliot

Thanks guys. *mwah!*

^___^

1 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

the caption with the picture was too funny to not share [12 Jul 2003|06:26pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

Democrat
Threat rating: High. The Bush administration is
concerned that it may not get a second term.
Therefore, we are going to change the rules so
that each Democrat vote only counts as 0.2
votes because Democrat is a shorter word than
Republican


What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

There's Nothing But the Night

[10 Jul 2003|10:26pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Dyed my hair for the first time in my life, icks! What an experience! The smell is still making me a bit dizzy and my neck hurts a bit from craning it so much to wash the gunk off while trying to not get it in my eyes.

They ripped me off, saying one bottle of it would do just fine but that was NOT the case with hair as long as mine!
They should have signs warning you that waist-length hair requires two bottles of dye. Blah.
But the nice conditioner made my hair smell apricot-y and yummy.
Mmmm... -sniffs a strand of wet hair-

Anyway, the hair looks good. ~> Conclusion: Afroza happy.

quote of the day: Ow! Pain hurts!" -Christine
My toe hurts like a bitch. Being the graceful ballerina that I am, I dropped a knife on it yesterday.
Supposedly I'm lucky that I didn't severe the whole damn thing off. Lucky... yeah, that's it. =/

But ...
a mutilated toe + a slight limp + nothing to do = a new lj layout!
I really like this one, got to incorporate Bradbury, Eliot, Dali, and Alceste in it!
...Oh wow, I sound like the uber dork. 0__o

1 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

Anais Nin at 1AM is magical [10 Jul 2003|01:01am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, and interest.

I am finished with myself, with my sacrifices and my pity, with what chains me. I am going to make a new beginning. I want passion and pleasure and noise and drunkenness and all evil. But my past reveals itself inexorably, like a tattoo mark. I must build a new shell, wear new costumes.

There's Nothing But the Night

[10 Jul 2003|12:40am]
[ music | Amy Studt "just a little girl" ]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE!!
I LOVE YOU KATELYN AMELIA PAYNE.

5 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

4 AM poetry sucks [07 Jul 2003|04:56am]
Just some human touch

Something to hold on to,
something to run my hand over.

I’m starving in this oasis of lushness. Just
somebody to talk to, no constraints.
Just a little conversation, meaningful or not.
Something that flows from the beginning, no
need for formalities or ends.

Just some human touch.

Just some silly talk. Someone
to read my favorite poem to.
To build a sandcastle with,
with sunburned elbows
and purple denim hats.

No wonderwalls and no landslides.
No need to build me a woman ten feet tall.
No Laylas and no songs.
No defining nor psychoanalyzing.
Don’t want to be dazed and confused baby.
Don’t want my whole world to change.
Oh no,
no.

Just want some fun.

A simple conversation and a cup of absinthe,
maybe.
A giggle fest and a effortless smile.
A golden afternoon
and a cat napping in a wicker basket.
A lingering kiss and the West Wind.
Some dandelion wine.
Bashful youth
and hand holding.

Garlanded with honeysuckles
and cricket symphonies.

I don’t need much.

Just a little unconstrained conversation that flows.
Rain making applesauce and all.

Just someone to break this shell of loneliness
and sweep it away … just some human touch.

Just for a little while.

Just this much.
2 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

[05 Jul 2003|10:56pm]
Made some watermelon smoothie today, odd surges of inspirations I have to do something useful. Wanted to surprise Mum when she came home, "look Ma! I made some smoothie for you!" Hug. Kiss. "Aw, what a sweet thoughtful daughter I've got,"
...Too bad I spilled it all in the kitchen sink.

Split watermelon smoothie and a messy, sticky kitchen countertop renders me tearful.
A shaky reality, this. Crying over crushed watermelons and paper cuts. Paper cuts; thin red lines that slowly effuse on the precise horizon that is one's skin. Almost like Apollo's chariot at the start of its daily journey, but on an infinitesimal scale.

Sit and cry on the toilet seat. What a pretty bathroom, so peachy. Makes me nauseous.

Look in the mirror. A small brown girl with hair too long, eyes too big, glasses too thick, and nails too short. Damn things, refusing to stay short. I bite and bite till they bleed. Still they grow. Spiting me. Defying me.

Why are those red lines on my eyeballs so prominent? Are they the reason why lately I've been waking up in a kaleidoscope of colors? Maybe I'm going blind. Being blind won't be so bad; maybe I'll end up like Tiresias. But what famed adventurer will travel across Lethe to seek my wisdom? Wisdom? Or foolishness? Who can tell the difference?
I bet it's from staring at the sun too long. Oh but it blinks, it blinks at me! And the pretty colors! Cornflower and magenta dancing on my irises. Sigh. Icarus didn't listen, why should I?

Peek at the top of the medicine cabinet, all my former medication still here. An empty bottle of Valium. A half empty bottle of Zoloft. And an almost full bottle of Amitriptyline. Maybe I should start taking my "happy drugs" again, as Jason used to call them. Zoloft? Or Amitriptyline? Sigh. What I want the most, I'm not allowed. I need some Valium. No, I crave some Valium. Those fabulous dreamless stupor full of absolute nothingness.
Even in sleep, I think. And I think I think too much.

Why couldn't I think of something useful or beneficial if I was going to waste all this time just thinking? Maybe find the cure for a neurodegenerative disease like I always wanted to do. Oh my, you've found a way to eliminate those beta amyloids that form the plaques in an Alzheimer patient's hypothalamus? Bravo! Give the girl a Nobel Prize!

I wonder if any of the great intellectuals of this species ever thought that he thought too much. I've always wondered if Einstein ever thought of snot and it's adhesiveness while taking his daily walk to McCosh Hall. What's in snot? I remember feeling so giddy the first time I sat at McCosh for a lecture, "Wow! I'm being taught in the room where Einstein once taught!" Too bad I missed most of the scarps of knowledge Prof bear-belly threw at us. Daydreaming is the equivalent of Satan-worshipping. Funny really, the only thing I properly learned at the place where Einstein lectured daily was the art of playing footsie.
Yet again, the Universe wins "Funniest Entity Standing." Why, what did you do today, Mister Universe? I've smitten a fellow down because it tickled me to do so.

That reminds me of Lauren, pretty Lauren with her cute lame jokes. It's her 16th birthday in two days. She'll be sixteen and pregnant. Pregnant at sixteen. Sixteen and pregnant. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear pregnant Lauren. Happy birthday to you! And lemon flavored Italian-ices look like virgin snow.

...I need to stop thinking before my head bursts like those in the Gusher commercials, like the watermelon kid. Wait; was it the watermelon's head that burst or the orange's? Sigh. Another secret that the Universe can gloat with over me. Say, Universe, what's the fucking meaning to life again? Sigh. I can feel the veins in my eye growing bolder and louder.
My own tell-tale vein.
I am so special.
2 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

[04 Jul 2003|10:22pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

"Oh, didn't you know?" he cried, laughing. "Yes, I have been guilty of several monographs. They are all upon technical subjects. Here, for example, is one 'Upon the Distinction between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos.' In it I enumerate a hundred and forty forms of cigar, cigarette, and pipe tobacco, with coloured plates illustrating the difference in the ash. It is a point which is continually turning up in criminal trials, and which is sometimes of supreme importance as a clue. If you can say definitely, for example, that some murder had been done by a man who was smoking an Indian lunkah, it obviously narrows your field of search. To the trained eye there is as much difference between the black ash of a Trichinopoly and the white fluff of bird's-eye as there is between a cabbage and a potato."

::Sigh:: What a wonderful man! I wish 22B Baker Street really did exist.
You know what would be the best 18th birthday present? The complete works including A Study in Scarlett.
Yeah, I think I'll save up for that this summer, the complete works in a rare hardcover edition, or maybe leather bound! Ahh, the little thing that give my life meaning. Sad really.
=)

There's Nothing But the Night

[03 Jul 2003|11:33pm]
July 3rd, 2003. 12:19 PM EST.
I'm going to put that pretty notebook I bought at Chinatown last week to use.
I'm sitting here in a coffee shop killing time. Being a passive observer of humanity, the world of astute observations awaits me. God, I need some Barbiturates … or maybe some Lithium, that makes me think of Nirvana. Teen angst rocks, all the cool kids have it. I feel agitated and overwhelmed by my observations; sensory overload. How can you ever think that you think too much? You just don't. You can worry that you worry too much but surely you can't think that you think too much.

I think that middle-aged couple yonder noticed my strangled mutterings because I have a feeling that they are talking about me. Am I doing something I shouldn't? Maybe I smell bad. I am sorry if I'm emitting a rancid odor. Wait, do I smell? I showered this morning. Sigh. I'll go home and take a few more showers. Maybe it's my ears, maybe those new piercing are making my ears rot. Ah, what a lovely couple. I bet they've been married for a long time, I wonder how they fell in love. Were they as scared of love when they first met each other as I am of love at eighteen? Look, they are holding hands under the table. I hope they have some incurable disease like Herpes or Gonorrhea. I think I have cancer. I don't know though, because I lie to my doctor about everything and passively nod when she talks to me. I hope I do. That weird uneven dot on my right breast could almost pass for a lump. Then I could go over there and we could share heartfelt stories about our misery-ridden countless trips to the hospital. I bet I could make the woman cry if I just sigh the right way looking at her and explain about how I couldn't attend my high school prom because I had to sit in some hospital room waiting for the results of my MRI test. I should bite my lip and make the lower one tremble a bit when I do that. Wow, poor me. No high school prom pictures standing around drinking watered punch with some boring date who can't dance and has acne. My imaginary prom date sounds a bit like that kid Mark from AP American History. He used to try so hard to sound cool. Poor bastard.

Maybe I'm a schizoid. I shouldn't be always talking to myself. Why do they look at me funny? Shouldn't they be discussing their marital problems and his viagra use? Or their "punkrawk" kid who got his lip pierced last weekend by his friend? My iced coffee tastes funky, as if the waitress excreted something malodorous in it. I wonder if it's because I didn't tip her as much as I should've the last time I came here. I hope not. I really like my coffee here. Caffeine is a demi-god. But there is a Star Bucks down the street in case she did attempt some funny concoctions with my coffee. Star Bucks has good espresso, eight shots with cream. But the poor Columbian children, child labor is not nice. But then again, there are so many children. Didn't they ever read of that guy what’s-his-face who clearly explained that the food supply of the planet goes up linearly while the population expands exponentially? No, off course not. How can they? They are to busy procreating to do so. And the fact that they are illiterate doesn't help. Those poor kids, working 12-hour days and dying of starvation.

Speaking of starvation in 3rd world nations, why am I stuffing my fat face? That Callista Flockhart worshipping lady reflected on my napkin dispenser must find me repulsive. "Oh my, what obesity! She should get some anti-leptin shots." Wait, she doesn't look like she'd know what leptin was, hahah. Wouldn't it be funny if she carried "Nature" or some other scientific journal in that leather Saks purse? I bet she ordered that salad because of me; maybe I grossed her out from eating pastries ever again. That should be my contribution to society. My tombstone should read something like, "Here lays Afroza. She suffered from a sycophantic adulation for strawberry scones and thus helped mankind."

Look at that fat bald guy reading the NY Times. I don't think he's really reading it. Probably stuffing his triple chinned face behind it with that carrot cake on his table. I wonder if the Saks lady ordered the salad because of him too. Look at these people! Pretentious bungholes, all of them. Why bother reading the newspaper? Does keeping up with current events make one an intelligent and caring entity of society? I don't read the newspaper. Haven't in at least a year. Only the obituaries, they amuse me. "So and so died last night in his sleep. He had an eventful life, shooting crocodiles on the Nile and being one of the first to know of Agent Orange in Vietnam. The funeral is set for 4:00 PM… yadi yadi yada." Where do you go after you die? I want to be cremated; ASH is to ashes.

I wonder what it would be like to be burned alive, like those child brides in ancient India who had to die on their husbands’ funeral pyres. Why didn't they do the same if the wife died first instead? No, the poor lonely man had to remarry. For the sake of the poor motherless children. That reminds me of what Mum told me once; she read in the newspaper somewhere that more and more people in Asian countries are using ultra-sonograms to find out their fetus’ sex. My great-grandfather married a second time because my great-grandmother kept having daughters. Isn't it funny that it's the sperm that decided the sex of the unborn child? I did always say the universe has a sicker sense of humor than me. If I end up marrying some Bengali guy that my parents pick for me, I think I'll divorce him if he keeps giving me daughters. My great-grandfather did it, why not me? You disappointment of a husband, you! Hahahah! I crack myself up.

Sigh. I should go; the waitress is definitely giving me dirty looks now. I can't sit here under any more pretexts; even the ice in my iced coffee is gone. I'll leave a nice enough tip to compensate for the last time I was here. If I think of this as a way of helping those Columbian children, I won't feel so bad about leaving her a big tip …But what now? Where to? To do what? I have the whole day, should I go home and call my friends to go hang out? But I don't want to. Hanging out would require making small talk and I don't feel like it. What now? Walk to Astoria Park? It's only a half a mile walk from here. But then what? Sit by the East River? And do what? Read? I don't want to. What do I care about what some century old tight ass intellectual had to say about his society? Fuck him. Bet he fucked his laundress on Sundays after Church. Or little boys. If I were the right kind of solipsist, I'd doubt his existence. His words. His superfluous theories. Sigh. Everyday I go through the same mundane routines. Task accomplished, I ask the same questions, what now? … What's next? I guess I'll pay my bill and leave the waitress a big tip and head off to the park. And then maybe I'll buy some cyanide.
1 Desiccated Soul // There's Nothing But the Night

La di laa [01 Jul 2003|11:20pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | Jane Sibbery "it can't rain all the time" ]

Today started off slow, I did my Audrey Hepburn layout for Blurty and then took an afternoon nap.
Had the weirdest dream whilst napping, which gave me the inspiration to dye my hair raven black! It should look nice, the whole long-black-wavy-sexy look.

Went for a walk with Aklima and ended up getting two more holes on my ears, whoo! 6 all together now. Aklima beats me by 4 but getting a piercing that high up will hurt like a bitch, so I shan't bother. I'm content with my 6.
The guy who did it was cute, the most striking thing about him was his deep sexy voice, it's very attractive me thinks.

Akki and I were betting on how old he is because she thought he was being obscene when he touched my ear; she says he touched it in a very sexual manner ... me? I was too busy trying to not feel that stinging sensation buzzing around my head as he stapled those earrings on me.
Anyway, she thought he was 28ish but I said he was probably just out of college. Turns out he's 23, and now I'm $5 richer! ^__^

Came home to something unexpected, the whole family ready for an outing, at 6 PM! So my mom's friend's family and we headed off for the lake at Fresh Meadows Park. My mom's friend's husband makes awesome BBQ chicken, mmm chicken!
Read a good portion of Turgenev laying on a very scary pokemon blanket there.
As "punishment" for taking Aklima's 5 bucks, she swung me higher than I usually prefer to go on the swings. =/ Sisters can be mean sometimes.

After eating, I took a solitary walk to see the sun off to rest.
No matter how many times I see a sunset, I still manage to be awestruck by the magnificence of it all. The rubied sun setting over the horizon and a pale lake suddenly raped with crimson. Simply beautiful. The drab highway yonder with it's speeding cards seemed unreal compared to that dazzling beauty.

Got lost in my reverie till a kissing couple under a big, fanning Willow tree made me snap back into reality. If it wasn't for the woman's happy giggling, I probably would've stayed there till one of those West Nile virus carrying mosquitoes bit me back to reality.
Heh, a flash of green light from the highway across the water made me feel like Gatsby hopefully waiting to catch a glimpse of his Daisy.
And the happy couple under the willow tree hit me with the realization of how lonely I've been feeling lately. *sigh* Being a romantic fool is rather cumbersome at times.

The drive back was most soothing, dozed off for a good portion of it.

*sigh* The smell of BBQ, fresh cut grass, and golden sunsets cling to me. I like the smell, very satisfying. A nice day overall.

There's Nothing But the Night

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