Xaris Delekhan's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Xaris Delekhan

[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Been a while [24 Sep 2003|08:43am]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | Evanescence - Forever Gone, Forever You ]

I think I've finally decided what I'm going to do with this Blurty. I can do whatever I like with it and no one will really notice. So I can be as angry, bitter, or sarcastic as I want and I don't have to worry about facing much wrath.

Anyway, I'm just noticing how someone is interpreting mixed signals from someone else that is female. She's not doing it for his benefit, she's doing it for herself. It's ridiculous but I'm not going to bother trying to explain it to him. I'm also not going to bother explaining that the only reason the day early thing came up is her making back up plans, scrambling desperately to find a way to make sure she gets to go to AWA.

But he doesn't know just how selfish she is about this. Can you blame him, when he trusts her so innocently and naively, despite that he should know exactly what she's really like?
I guess he'll have to suffer at her hands before he starts realizing that I wasn't shitting him. And by that time, it's going to be way too late for me to save him because I'm already moving on. I'm tired of the whole stupid mess with them.
I'm ready for my freedom with a woman that does love me and appreciate me and is always so happy to talk to me. She makes me feel really good, not like I'm having to kautow to her demands and whims or else she'll get mad and start cheating on me.

2 comments|post comment

Life is horrible [13 Aug 2003|10:35am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Christina got back with Charles. It hurt. Badly.
Everything I've done feels meaningless. I feel I've wasted my heart and my efforts with nothing to show for it except the cuts on my arm.
I'm very unhappy. I'm lonely, miserable, and feeling very empty. I think I don't care anymore.
I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to live this empty, unrewarding existance any longer.

2 comments|post comment

I'm glad I use WinME [12 Aug 2003|10:21am]

Well, isn't it amusing that everyone dogs ME so bad, yet none of these crackers actually ever target it with BS like this?
Though I do applaud his efforts - Gates should stop getting rich and actually finish an OS or something.
3 comments|post comment

In Memorum of Leonard Hanks [09 Aug 2003|09:17am]
[ mood | numb ]

Within this post, I bow my head and pay my last respects to one of the greatest men I have ever known. I had the pleasure of meeting this wonderful man in person last March, and originally meeting him by phone in mid 1998. This man was Leonard Hanks, the father of the woman I have come to love most in the world, Christina Lynne Hanks. As of yesterday morning, at 3:35 am, he left this world after a valiant battle with liver cancer. He went to Texas/Mexico border for some revolutionary new treatment that was supposed to help, but alas... it seems to have failed. Perhaps he didn't go soon enough. Perhaps the complications that arose during the treatment made things go awry. Perhaps it was merely his time and none of us knew.
We may never know the answer, just as we will now never know his happiness of being a grandfather, of growing old with his wife, and of seeing his beloved daughter one day be married to a good man that will love her and cherish her for all time. But what we do know is that he is no longer suffering from a disease that, as far as we know, has no cure yet. He is free from pain, free from all mortal cares, with only his memory remaining within each of us whose lives he has touched. I had little time to get to know him, and yet in that short amount of time, I came to respect him and even love him as I would a second father.
I know, wherever he is, he will live on forever in our memories and hearts. I will miss you, Leonard. You were a great man, and they still speak of you over here on the island. No matter what, I will keep an eye out for your daughter and help her whenever she needs it.

post comment

Not a bad day yesterday [07 Aug 2003|10:20am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Hall of the Mountain King - Savatage ]

Yesterday was actually a pretty good day for me.
I went downtown and checked out this place. I got a job! ^_^ I start work on the 18th of August and that's going to be just awesome. I'll be working for a place called "Honcad, Inc." They're a computer supplier company. Basically what I'll be doing is driving a van and making deliveries when I'm not in the office learning Linux/Unix or building PCs, troubleshooting PCs, or loading PCs or PC parts into vans for shipping. It's going to be a pretty awesome job. Should be lots of fun to do and getting to drive again will be very cool.

My brother and I had a long, serious discussion the other night and we ironed out a few issues, buried a few hatchets, and now we're getting along pretty well. We also reached a compromise about my return home. The flight has been pushed back a ways from September 22nd to December 28th. Not a bad date to return home on, I think. It'll be winter time there, just after Christmas and just before the New Year. I should have a bit of wealth to take with me so I can have a good time with my friends, or come back to Hawaii if things go wrong. Speaking of which, if Adam actually does pay me for my car, then I'm kinda thinking that I'm going to hook up with some other means of transportation when I head back. I dunno, I'm kinda not caring right now about things like that.

Christina came on yesterday as well and we talked for like two hours about the wreck she was in, her dad, and our status with one another. The wreck she was in wasn't all that serious - she ran into a guard rail because a moth got in the car and freaked her out. The damage isn't too bad... just some fender and body work to be done. Fortunately, she had insurance so all she has to do is pay $500 deductible and it'll get fixed. The insurance has changed to liability though.. I dunno whether that's good or bad, but the most wonderful part about this is that she's not given up hope for driving. I think that's great!

Her dad is out of treatment and back home again. Apparently whatever they did is supposed to work. The liver is starting to heal and reject the cancer, but he's going to get a little worse before he gets better. But this is simply incredible - if it worked, he's cured of his liver cancer.. I'm so excited! Leonard is such an awesome guy and if this worked, his awesomeness is going to be around for a long time to come from now on. ^_^

As for our status - well, I'm not saying anything other than things are going well, continuing to improve.

post comment

From the pages of LJ.. [04 Aug 2003|05:01pm]
[ mood | shocked ]
[ music | The humming of my computer ]

I posted this on my Livejournal, and I'll post it here too, as I know there are others that read this thing that don't read the LJ. Here goes:

Oh dear god..
Christina was in a wreck recently, like the last 24 hours or so. I don't know how she is, other than what Charles posted on a friends only post that I've not actually seen but was told about. She's still alive and apparently the wreck wasn't so bad, but I still need to talk to her about it and find out what happened. God I'm so worried right now. And I'm not sure when I'll actually be getting to see her again..
I don't really know what to do... I've sent her a couple of emails and I can't call her because I know I'll have to deal with him if I do, and I don't have time to be aggravated with him when I need to spend that time concerned about her. But knowing Christina, she'll block off a lot instead of talking to me openly while he's there... and it just won't work. I need to sit back and wait for her to get ahold of me... but the waiting is so damn hard sometimes.

At least it's this and not something infinitely worse. I hope she'll recover from it quickly and not turn her back on driving. She'll need to be able to do so... but god, I know she's got to be worried. Her dad is going to be pissed... and her mom. Ugh, don't get me started...

*sighs* I feel trapped and helpless right now. And I wish I'd gotten to know sooner.

I wish she'd come on.... I want to talk to her so bad right now. And I shouldn't bite my nails so hard, either... *winces*

post comment

Interesting results.. [02 Aug 2003|09:40pm]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | Offspring - One Fine Day ]

Are you damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

You can laugh at the silly superstitions of the religious, safe in the knowledge that we are only dust and lies. All that will be left of you after you die is a slow decay and some fading memories in the minds of your friends. Hope you're enjoying your life at the moment- there's nothing better to come.

I'm not sure this is the right answer for me... but it is pretty amusing. Heh heh... shows just how jaded I am about promises of afterlife. Live the here and the now, I say, and worry about the dead when the time comes.

But I'm going to take it a couple more times and see what I can get.

Are you damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

You will die a warrior and be spirited away by warbling wenches to the Hall of the Slain. Meat and mead for ever more, well until Ragnarok, anyway, when you will do battle with giants, giantesses, dwarfs, elves and Nidhug, a dragon who likes to nibble trees. Odin is great!

And my second result, which is pretty darn pleasing to me, thanks to my Celtic ancestry and my love of the Norse..

Well, that's it for now. :)

1 comment|post comment

It's odd [25 Jul 2003|10:58am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Mourning - Tantric ]

I notice I write a lot more when I'm unhappy and very little when I am happy. Lately, I guess, I've had little to say, being half-withdrawn and coping with changing emotional states.
Today, I don't even want to function, for some reason. I miss Christina and I hate what's about to happen. I don't want him to be there with her. It's selfish of him, in the first place, to be wasting time and money that he doesn't have when he should be getting a job or some means of transportation so he can make something of himself. Instead, he's wasting both just to go be with a girl that has no money or job and hardly a life outside of the internet.
I'm not dissing Christina, I know her position all too well. But still, she shouldn't be letting him do this if she really cares about him any.
But then again, she is trying to prove something to me - that she can be trusted and had faith in. At least, that is what she tells me. I believe her that she is going to keep herself chaste while he's there and not do things that she shouldn't be doing.
But how will he take that? What if he rapes her? What if he forces her in some manner and she, being all alone and trapped there with him, can't do anything about it and it turns into another Eddie situation? If I remember, Eddie was real nice to her until they were alone... and then he would abuse her badly. First verbally, then physically, then he almost raped her, stopping when he realized, I guess, that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life in prison for raping a minor.

But she's not a minor now... and rapists walk these days.

I really wish it was me being there with her and helping her out, rather than him. I know how to keep my mind on tasks at hand and be able to be sweet and kind to her at the same time. Plus, I can cook, I know how to make food last longer; I'm domesticated to say the least. More than that, I could take care of her if something goes wrong. I know first aid, I know CPR, and I know how to take care of breaks and injuries that need medical attention.

I have a lot to offer anyone that I stay with, even if I don't yet have a job. I can take care of them and make them happy too, even if we're sitting around and doing nothing most of the day.

I don't know... I guess I shouldn't let it bother me so much, especially with how things have gone since the other night after our big fight and our realizations of each other. It hurts, though, knowing what I know, and knowing that there's no getting away from this twist that's happening now. My only hope is that she gets bored of him, or he gets bored of her, or both, and they realize they make better friends than they do a couple.

To be honest, I think he would make a better friend to her than a boyfriend, and I wouldn't object to that.

Charles may be an asshole in general, but he's shown himself on occasion to be a pretty decent guy. His friends speak fairly well of him and he's a hit with every woman that comes his way, apparently; all of them love him. He would be a good friend, if he wasn't so negative about me all the time. Something I've noticed - when he's not being negative towards or about me, I start considering if he might be what his friends say he is and what would happen if I did give him a second chance.
But I'm not going to do that right now, not while he's with Christina. She is a wedge that will remain between us until their relationship ends or until I no longer care for her any longer. And how things are going, I'm not going to stop caring for her for a very long time to come.

Last night, my brother and I got in another of our stupid fights about how I don't do very much around here. Well, we didn't, he just decided he wanted to get onto me because I've done little the last couple of days, most notably not looked for a job or filled out the one application sitting around the house. And he wanted to rub it in my face again that he works and slaves day in and day out and gets to come home to me being on the computer and things aren't to the perfectionist manner he figures they should be. Now, Christina was there for me while this was going on, she stayed by my side and comforted me while my hurt feelings were calming themselves down. She was very good to me last night and I am very grateful to her. It felt just like old times, when we were together and there would be a problem. She even told me that she loved me, something that I've missed a very great deal and it made me very, very happy to hear her say again. I didn't push, prod, or corner her into it; she said it of her own free will. Three times, even.
My heart began to beat again and I started looking forward to life for the first time in a long while. I mean really looking forward to life, not just finding a reason to keep living.
It helped a lot and as I said, I'm grateful to her for what she's done for me and given me and what she put herself through to get through to me the night before. I feel horrible for the pain she caused herself over me, even if it did make us see each other again for who we are and brought out the real reason we broke up.

We fought too much, and I realize that. She swore to me that she would seriously consider coming back to me if I could stop fighting with her, something that I could gladly, and quickly, agree to do. It isn't asking too much of me and it's easily fulfilled. If that is all it takes, then I am relieved to have my chance. I hope that I can be a good boy from now on and show her how willing I am to prove that I can get along with her like she's begged me to do.

She does love me, and care for me, but she's been so upset for so long that she's felt it didn't matter. But it does matter, it matters a great deal to me, and I'm not letting her down again. No matter how much some things might hurt.

1 comment|post comment

0_0 [24 Jul 2003|04:48pm]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | Home Movies - Mr. Pants ]

Once again, Christina manages to shock the hell out of me, this time in a very pleasant way. That is all I will say for now. ^_^

post comment

Harsh summer nights [24 Jul 2003|10:27am]
[ mood | morose ]
[ music | Nightwish - Dead to the World ]

Well... last night was one horrible night altogether. Christina and I got into a terrible fight over Charles' trip to her house for the next two weeks. To not go into too much detail, we cut ourselves, she doing more damage to herself than me. We're all patched up now, but I'm afraid for her. I hope she'll be alright.

Not much to say right now... I'll post more later.

post comment

Another day, another... something [18 Jul 2003|10:46pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Nightwish - Century Child ]

Well, not a whole lot to talk about today. Yesterday, I got a major let down... I won't be getting that awesome job. Apparently, the folks on Ford Island blew off Manpower, so as a result, no job for me.
I'm really disappointed, too. That job was my reason for staying and looking up in hopes the world might be throwing me a straight pitch. Looks like more curveball action in store for the J-meister.

I talked to Megan again today. Wonderful person, I really do like talking to her. ^_^

I also spent a nice, quiet evening with Christina. Things went really well, after I stopped having so much trouble staying online. Our connection is getting worse out here... we're getting dropped just about every day now and I really don't know what's causing it. And neither do the resident technical experts. Anyway, Christina and I were actually nice to each other and she's decided on a different dress now. It's actually quite pretty and the price is nice too. $327. Not bad, no? Now if I can get a job, any job, I'll be able to afford that easy. As for going to AWA... well.... I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford that, rent, and everything else too. *sighs* I really needed that awesome job.

Chris and I spent a good afternoon on the phone with each other. I enjoyed talking with him, as always. We had some pretty good chuckles, and we basically reminded each other that the world has laughter in it if you just bother to look in the right places for it.

Charles actually posted a webcomic that made me grin.

Suou and I've been talking *you might recognize her from my LJ*, and she's been a great help the last two days. More friendage, and am I grateful for it. She's given me a chance to talk and vent and she no longer thinks I'm a crazy nutter. It's made things easier on me to have someone to talk to that's new. The same goes for Nessa and Megan.

I played Spider Solitaire for the first time tonight. I won 2 out of 3 games. ^_^ The first was lost because I didn't know the rules yet.

To be honest, ya'll, I don't know where my life is heading right now. I'm just sort of tumbling, trying to find a flow to go to. I would think that things would have cleared up by now, but I'm going to assume it's going to take a while yet. On the bright side, I've made some new friends and I'm starting to feel better about my situation.

I've some bad news, but I'm not in the bad news sort of mood. I'll post it later, when I get into a sort of mood that suits bad news well.

Take it easy, ya'll. Thanks for reading along with me. And now I leave you with a quote.

"Do you want to know the secret to eternal happiness? Page 247."

post comment

Ahhh, I feel happiness [17 Jul 2003|01:09pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Evanescence - Bring Me to Life ]

I was actually talking to Megan some more today and she seems to be a really nice, sweet girl that only wants something wonderful to come into her life and sweep her off her feet. She's been hurt badly though and that upset me... I want to help her feel better again and learn how to open up once more. She deserves so much better than the raw deal she got.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. ^_^

1 comment|post comment

I wanted Garr, but this works [17 Jul 2003|10:03am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Red Hot Chili Peppers - My Friends ]

I am the 'Prince of Dragons', Ryu! Who are

Take the 'Which Breath of fire II character are you?' quiz to find out!
Quiz by

Had to fix the coding. It was giving me the wrong picture. That's better. ^_^
post comment

New quiz [16 Jul 2003|10:04pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | Bob Seger - Against The Wind ]

You radiate light! Whenever you walk into a room
people immediately notice you and a since of
calm flows through them. You will do beautiful
things in this world!

brought to you by Quizilla

I like the result.

post comment

Kinda amusing [15 Jul 2003|04:23am]
[ mood | restless ]
[ music | Dream Theater - One Last Time Around ]

It seems Charles considers me to be the pot calling the kettle black. You know the difference between us really is, Charles? I've a right to be bitchy and whiny if I want to be. I was the one that got screwed over for a worthless pudsucker. You? The only thing you have to be bitchy and whiny about is the fact that you got caught up in the middle of something you could have avoided if you'd just been thinking with the right head, instead of acting like you had a right to be where you were.
You have no right to be where you are, and the longer you go on ignoring what Christina's told you twice now and thinking I'm just in the past, the distant enough to not be recent past as you try to make people and yourself believe, the longer you'll be an ignorant bitch. I'm not going away, not anymore than you could win a beauty contest.

I'm amused that you try and, again, take credit for something I've done. I've noticed that Christina doesn't actually talk to you, which is rather gratifying. I mean, I can't say that I'm too happy she's letting you delude yourself with these thoughts that you're actually doing something useful, but hey... whatever floats your boat, man.

She's becoming less depressed because I'm striking my deals with her and we're *gasp* settling our issues, one at a time! Holy shit, Dave, look at this! People actually settling their issues and TRYING to get along! What kind of sick shit is that, hoss?

Get on over yourself before you start telling me to get over you or even Christina. You're supposed to be older and wiser than me; I shouldn't have to look down on you like you're an 18 year old brat who doesn't know shit. Or in this case, a 24 year old brat that doesn't know shit, as the case would be.

post comment

Now, down to business [14 Jul 2003|02:14pm]
Christina and I are actually talking, finally, now that she's realized how serious this matter is. She and I are having a communication that we've been needing to have for some time, but as it is, things have prevented it from happening.
Needless to say, Charles is, as always, being a selfish idiot undeserving of respect or quarter, but as it is, I'll deal with him again later. For the moment, my issues are with Christina. He can be extreme, possessive, and selfish all he wants later when I decide he's worthy of my attention.

At some point, I'm going to learn how to make cutid's so that I can shrink my last several posts to comment section size. They're taking up a god awful amount of space on this thing.
post comment

Post #2 - The Log [14 Jul 2003|02:00pm]
Here's the log of proof that Christina gave me. I believe her now that she's tried to come clean with him, but he didn't listen to her or give a shit what she had to say. Read it for yourself. Then read the post below for the details of the aftermath.

Christina's Attempt at Coming Clean )
post comment

Dragonwhiner's post and my reply [14 Jul 2003|01:49pm]
His post:
It didn't take long to put two and two together, last night. Christina had a nice, long, extremely unpleasant conversation with Jeremy last night... which resulted in her getting so depressed and convinced that everyone hated her and that she was worthless, that she grabbed a kitchen knife and started cutting up and down her arm. I spent hours on the phone with her, listening to her tell me that everyone hated her and that no one cared, trying to calm her down, trying to get her to dress her wounds, and talking her into getting a friend to take her up to a local clinic to get herself looked at.
I know Jeremy reads this journal. Why, I'm not sure, but I know he does. A message for him:
You fucking asshole, if you EVER had ANY doubt about how much you were hurting her, THIS should be your fucking proof. You see what you're doing to her now? Maybe she won't tell you, but I will. You weren't the one she stayed up with all night and half the morning, this morning, worried sick about it.
I hope you're satisfied, you heartless prick. I hope you really got your rocks off by bitching at her. Some "love" you're showing. Find another victim, you jackass.
ANY response you may have to this is completely irrelevant and will be wholly ignored. If you feel the need to post something (or ANYTHING, for that matter) on my webcomic, expect it to be muted without even being read. I was quite pissed at you before, but merely protecting what was mine. Now? Dude, you are fucked. I f you wish to continue this any further, I extend an open invitation for you to meet me one on one so I can kill your sorry, lying bitch ass. No "sock puppet" friends, no nothing... just you and me. I'm tired of your bullshit, and your sorry pandering. Grow up, move on, get another fantasy, or I'll be more than happy to end yours personally. Of course, there's always the feint hope that you'll realize what you're doing to the poor woman and let her be on your own... but I don't suppose I can expect you to be that intelligent and forward-of-thought from what you've shown me thus far. You're too far gone in getting her back, whether she wants you or not, just to satisfy your own, sick ego.

My reply which would have gone in his comment's section:

Oh believe me, Dragonwhiner, I know exactly what I've done. Your display here is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to puff yourself up to try and impress someone, anyone who would listen to you.

I read the entire log between the two of you. She sent me a copy. You know what I saw in there?
I saw you whining and moaning and self-berating and trying to draw more attention to yourself than any attempt at actually listening to her or trying to help her. I saw you being the same ignorant, unenlightened bastard as the one that posted this open invitation here.
What do I see when I look at you? I see a spoilt, stuck up little white boy who still lives with his mommy, pretending that he's some great white hope that is far superior to anyone else. In the event that we did meet one on one, you wouldn't have a chance. You, with your under-nourished body, bad eye sight, and over-indulged ability to play pretend, would not have a chance in a real confrontation. As Chris said to you, you couldn't fend off a toddler with a nerf gun, much less an email, no matter how big you talk here and in your webcomic.

Had you actually listened to Christina, instead of thinking with your dick, you would have noticed that me hating her means a shitload more to her than your adolescent prattlings of anime love. She is still more mine than she will ever be yours and that, my ignorant friend, is my proof that I needed to tell you straight out that you lose. You've failed to protect what is mine, you've failed to show me that you are even one scrap better a choice than I am, and quite frankly, I can go on with my life knowing that everything I've said about you and about her is correct. You are a poor excuse for a man, boy. You are all stuck on yourself and don't actually give a real fuck about her. I have the proof of it. And I will post it myself if I don't see a very fast backpedal action on your end.

She's not a woman - she's still a girl. A girl who is trying to carry on a relationship with me through you. A girl who knows very little of the real world, of men, and of how relationships really work. You can pretend all you want that she is knowledgable in the ways of love, but I can tell you point blank that she isn't, based on her own confessions. I can tell you that she has no sense of loyalty yet. And I can tell you that you have no chance of making it with her once I'm out of the picture and no longer providing pressure that keeps you two going. To be quite frank, I've nothing keeping me here any longer. I've proved my points, I've learned how to hate someone that has screwed me over time and time again when all I ever did was be kind to her and give her chance after chance to do things right. If I'm an evil, cold-hearted bastard for that, then so be it. But that judgement is not yours to make. You are scum yourself and have no right to judge me, someone that you know nothing of except your own twisted fantasies about.

Good day, Chuck. Enjoy my girlfriend for me, as long as you can possibly last with her. I know I would be had you never weaseled your way between us.

post comment

MSN Log [13 Jul 2003|12:52pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Log of Christina and I bitching )

She signed off at 12:50pm, my time, which is about 5:50 her time. This conversation isn't over, but for anyone that's curious, this is what went on.

As soon as she gets back on and I'm back from fucking around with my brother, we're resuming this until it's settled.

2 comments|post comment

Hrm.. [13 Jul 2003|11:16am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Nothing, really ]

I don't really have that much to say today. It's just going to be one of those long, slow days, I think. Micah said something about being busy..

I'm not doing much differently, though now I'm starting to shift back from hating to accepting and being kind. I'm such a freaking mess. I wish this could all end well for me so I can go back to being a warm, kind, productive individual.

There's so much that I wish I could talk about with her, yet I can't because it makes her uncomfortable. As a result, our conversations seem to fall off nowadays. *sighs*

Anyway, I'm going to head out. I need to be ready in case something happens here at the house.

post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]