||Mourning - Tantric
I notice I write a lot more when I'm unhappy and very little when I am happy. Lately, I guess, I've had little to say, being half-withdrawn and coping with changing emotional states.
Today, I don't even want to function, for some reason. I miss Christina and I hate what's about to happen. I don't want him to be there with her. It's selfish of him, in the first place, to be wasting time and money that he doesn't have when he should be getting a job or some means of transportation so he can make something of himself. Instead, he's wasting both just to go be with a girl that has no money or job and hardly a life outside of the internet.
I'm not dissing Christina, I know her position all too well. But still, she shouldn't be letting him do this if she really cares about him any.
But then again, she is trying to prove something to me - that she can be trusted and had faith in. At least, that is what she tells me. I believe her that she is going to keep herself chaste while he's there and not do things that she shouldn't be doing.
But how will he take that? What if he rapes her? What if he forces her in some manner and she, being all alone and trapped there with him, can't do anything about it and it turns into another Eddie situation? If I remember, Eddie was real nice to her until they were alone... and then he would abuse her badly. First verbally, then physically, then he almost raped her, stopping when he realized, I guess, that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life in prison for raping a minor.
But she's not a minor now... and rapists walk these days.
I really wish it was me being there with her and helping her out, rather than him. I know how to keep my mind on tasks at hand and be able to be sweet and kind to her at the same time. Plus, I can cook, I know how to make food last longer; I'm domesticated to say the least. More than that, I could take care of her if something goes wrong. I know first aid, I know CPR, and I know how to take care of breaks and injuries that need medical attention.
I have a lot to offer anyone that I stay with, even if I don't yet have a job. I can take care of them and make them happy too, even if we're sitting around and doing nothing most of the day.
I don't know... I guess I shouldn't let it bother me so much, especially with how things have gone since the other night after our big fight and our realizations of each other. It hurts, though, knowing what I know, and knowing that there's no getting away from this twist that's happening now. My only hope is that she gets bored of him, or he gets bored of her, or both, and they realize they make better friends than they do a couple.
To be honest, I think he would make a better friend to her than a boyfriend, and I wouldn't object to that.
Charles may be an asshole in general, but he's shown himself on occasion to be a pretty decent guy. His friends speak fairly well of him and he's a hit with every woman that comes his way, apparently; all of them love him. He would be a good friend, if he wasn't so negative about me all the time. Something I've noticed - when he's not being negative towards or about me, I start considering if he might be what his friends say he is and what would happen if I did give him a second chance.
But I'm not going to do that right now, not while he's with Christina. She is a wedge that will remain between us until their relationship ends or until I no longer care for her any longer. And how things are going, I'm not going to stop caring for her for a very long time to come.
Last night, my brother and I got in another of our stupid fights about how I don't do very much around here. Well, we didn't, he just decided he wanted to get onto me because I've done little the last couple of days, most notably not looked for a job or filled out the one application sitting around the house. And he wanted to rub it in my face again that he works and slaves day in and day out and gets to come home to me being on the computer and things aren't to the perfectionist manner he figures they should be. Now, Christina was there for me while this was going on, she stayed by my side and comforted me while my hurt feelings were calming themselves down. She was very good to me last night and I am very grateful to her. It felt just like old times, when we were together and there would be a problem. She even told me that she loved me, something that I've missed a very great deal and it made me very, very happy to hear her say again. I didn't push, prod, or corner her into it; she said it of her own free will. Three times, even.
My heart began to beat again and I started looking forward to life for the first time in a long while. I mean really looking forward to life, not just finding a reason to keep living.
It helped a lot and as I said, I'm grateful to her for what she's done for me and given me and what she put herself through to get through to me the night before. I feel horrible for the pain she caused herself over me, even if it did make us see each other again for who we are and brought out the real reason we broke up.
We fought too much, and I realize that. She swore to me that she would seriously consider coming back to me if I could stop fighting with her, something that I could gladly, and quickly, agree to do. It isn't asking too much of me and it's easily fulfilled. If that is all it takes, then I am relieved to have my chance. I hope that I can be a good boy from now on and show her how willing I am to prove that I can get along with her like she's begged me to do.
She does love me, and care for me, but she's been so upset for so long that she's felt it didn't matter. But it does matter, it matters a great deal to me, and I'm not letting her down again. No matter how much some things might hurt.