Blurty for super fallen star.

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Monday, March 31st, 2003

Time:7:27 pm.
Music:ani difranco; "roll with it".
fugg it.

um, i never update here anymore. if any of you have livejournal, i update there A LOT more.

normal journal
http://www.livejournal.com/users/cultstars

&

writing journal
http://www.livejournal.com/users/_venux

add me & i will of course add you back.

i may still update here time to time.
but life is really too hard right now for me to.
<3
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Monday, March 24th, 2003

Time:3:26 pm.
i hate existence sometimes.

i hate feeling pain.
i hate being alone.
i hate being scared.

i just want to curl up & hide away.
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Thursday, March 20th, 2003

Time:5:44 pm.
how many people have to die before we realize war is not the answer?
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Sunday, March 16th, 2003

Time:2:42 pm.
Mood:annoyed.
Music:bob dylan; "all along the watchtower".






animal activist terrorists make me happy.
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Saturday, March 15th, 2003

Time:10:18 am.
Music:rage against the machine; "testify".
money really is the root of all evil.
Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.

Saturday, March 8th, 2003

Time:7:31 pm.
Music:tori amos; "ghost".
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Time:2:51 pm.
Mood:aggravated.
Music:anti-flag; "die for your government".
i highly dislike it when i'm randomly added to communities without my consent. not only did i find myself added to some political debate community, but the community itself seemed like nothing more than a giant community filled with gun-toting right-winged over-the-hill pissy parents still moaning and bitching about liberals and bashing left-wingers with trite and vapid statements.

"if you liberals support the first amendment so much why not the rest of the constitution like the right to bare arms !!".

perhaps if you actually had a brainstem you would stop and realize that the 2nd amendment is nothing more than rements to the revolutionary war, where british soliders were housed in colonist's homes, and the country itself was barely formed. it has little, if no, baring today. also, if you took the time to read up on information instead of huming every government-approved bush speech that is gargled into your conservative ears, you'd realize that guns are not only out of control in this country, but unnecessary in many instances. if you own a gun, you are more likely to shoot a family member or friend than an intruder. it also leaves you susceptable to an intrudent taking the gun and killing you. guns are not tools of self defense, they're weapons. don't give me any of that backwater redneck garbage about the "right to bare arms" because it's bullshit.

as for this entire war thing, NO, i do NOT support killing innocent people, saddam cannot "bomb us" considering he has no missles with the capability of reaching here, and he is complying with UN wishes, so i don't believe in overriding the opinion of the world so bush can fill his veins with iraq oil.

and finally, the bullshit of this "we fought for your rights, so shut up" business that conservatives cling to - you fought for our right to freedom of speech, so then as soon as we use that freedom, we're ungrateful? it's like saying we have the right to say and believe what we want, as long as it's what you believe and doesn't go against what you think.

isn't that just a tad hypocritical? if you're going to fight for freedom of speech, then do just that. not freedom of speech for those who are willing to back you up.

i'm sorry for the angry post. but i'm quite annoyed right now.
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Time:11:47 am.
(i feel like i'm hanging by hooks
in the cellar for you)
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Thursday, March 6th, 2003

Time:9:12 pm.
Mood:longing.
would any of you find me dorky if i told you 'the crying game' is one of the most beautifully romantic movies i've watched? i really love it; i'm watching it again right now. it's just so wonderful.
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Tuesday, March 4th, 2003

Time:5:34 pm.
Mood:sore.
Music:ani difranco; "indepence day".
it's been forever since i've updated. sorry about that. not like life has been progressing at a powerful rate.

i was actually in pretty good spirits today. i think wearing my blonde wig actually gives me a slight confidence boost, as ridiculous as that may seem. i like playing with image. my therapist told me that, basically, i'm an escapist, so i suppose the idea of dressing and becoming someone else makes sense.

standardized testing really gets to me. i hate the structure. we had to read two [terrible] poems and answer questions on them. i scribbled in the test booklet quickly - "to dissect poetry, despite how bad it may be, is blasphemy, if art is your religion". i give off that artsy-fuck vibe all too much.

blonde wig/boredom )
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Saturday, February 22nd, 2003

Time:6:56 pm.
Music:bob dylan; "tangled up in blue".
a toast to the rain. i've missed it as a reflection in these times of misery and self-pity.

anyway, yesterday i breached that fragile bond of teenage-dom and became sixteen. i feel like i was sixteen years ago. i feel like my physical age is taking too long a time to catch up to my spirit. either way, i had an enjoyable birthday, though i did miss toni, who didn't get to come or sleepover. next week, though, she'll be over to have a sleepover involving massive amounts of photography and movies, not to mention a dive into fake hair.

i'm so tired. physically & the like. i need hibernation.

a little photography. )
Comments: Read 14 or Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 20th, 2003

Time:9:27 pm.
Music:bruce springsteen; "streets of philadelphia".
still suffocating. but at least the sun is still shining (cutting
a deep line between shadow and light -
i notice this as i watch from behind a window/beneath a roof/above a carpet
the jagged spray of UV cut in slices)

and now i'm stripping down as much as i can
exposing my insides
raw and fluid
as i can to you, yet you still reject the notion
of us existing as more than physical.
(we're both light and sound, speeding through alternate realities,
our souls fusing slowly to one)

here we go again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
note; in class today we dipped lightly into the idea of free will and the "original sin". god views us as sinners for having choice, for eve taking of the fruit and adam delighting in it as well. let us all rejoice in the fruit from the tree of knowledge, let it's blossoming bounty fatten and sweeten in our mouths, tongues absorbing its bounty. sinners we may be, but free men we are more.

(sorry to anyone who senses blasphemy.)
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Tuesday, February 18th, 2003

Time:6:58 pm.
Mood:tired of fighting.
Music:prodigy; "smack my bitch up".
i feel torn in half.

half of me realizes the ridiculousness of this "illness", belittles myself in my head for being weak, and for knowing this. for not plastering on a smile and throwing my myself into a head-on collision with a grin. for not being able to deal the way everyone else does, for being a faulty model, for even coming off the shelf without some preemptive warning.

half of me knows that something is wrong. and knows that i'm justified in feeling how i do. i know i can't help my emotional cripple, and that no one is right to judge me because they can deal with worse much easier. i am messed up. i am faulty. but i'm still human. and i'm allowed to survive by whatever means possible, right? so what's so wrong with me needed a little help, requiring a little fucking assistance in fighting demons.

you don't have a right in telling me i'm wrong. this isn't right and wrong. this isn't yes and no. this is my fucking life.
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 13th, 2003

Time:3:17 pm.
Music:blur; "song no2".
at least i can stand on my own.

that's more than you can say, hon.
that's more than you could ever breathe.
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Friday, February 7th, 2003

Time:7:06 pm.
Mood:exactly how you assume.
Music:aquabats; "strange & beautiful".
i listened to pete yorn sing "EZ" and for one second,
i missed you.
it was the fiercest blink i've ever experienced.

but anyway, it was frigid out today and the skin on my arms pricked upwards and met stiff against the wind. i don't like the flucuation between humid hell and pseudo winter in this state. this state...it's more than a state of mind. it's like a cell, with my hands wet with sweat causing a click against the rusting walls. i'm too tired to think about anything anymore.

i get to have a pleasant sunday. feet into the pool, ready for a dive, i'm submerged in bliss for minutes for once.
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Wednesday, February 5th, 2003

Time:6:30 pm.
Music:bruce springsteen; "brilliant disguise".
i'm so tired of this. i just want to get away.

i want to be unaffected by everything. i don't want to have to choose between people, i don't want to work things out, i don't want to argue and avoid and fight with one more thing in my life. i just want to go far away & take no one with me. disappear in the backdrop of some city with a beautiful boy and take life on from there. no more drama, no more scripts, no more reheresed arguements in front of a mirror. end this opera now, i've sung my final solo, now let me be victim to the edit.

i'm surrounded by actors and apathy.

i want to be surrounded by truth.
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Monday, February 3rd, 2003

Time:5:36 pm.
Music:the distillers; "girlfixer".
excessively long day. i'm sitting around in each class clasping my stomach and writing fragments of stories. i'm bored / had no stuff / worked zilch. i need more drive than i have. it's just all this damn fog around my head. other people's mania and problems are all blurred.

i'm feeling exhausted. other people are too much baggage, too much work. i tried fixing them but to no avail. i just get thrashed in the process. i want a new set up. new girls = happiness. especially ones who give mixcds as greeting gifts.

um. the imposing behavoir of some people are setting me off. i feel like isolating myself to a few friends for a while. give myself time to catch the ground again.
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Sunday, February 2nd, 2003

Time:9:37 pm.
Mood:fucked.
Music:les savy fav; "tragic monsters".
so fucking anxious & nervous i can't breath. i feel like my own mind is smothering me, keeping me down, drowning me. i want to cut/break/hurt. i need to get out of here. i justjustjust. god, i don't know anymore. i'm tired of feeling this way. my soul is telling me something bad is going to happen.
Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Time:4:55 pm.
Music:hole; "violet".
i sit on the edge of my bed in the center of the night and wonder about you. the stars are streaking the sky and fade behind artificial lights. i realize (in the pit of fruit that is my thoughts of you) that i'll never see true night. never lie staring at the sky without the echo of cars and the splash of florescent.

sometimes i think you're like that night,
like i'll never know you really are. i peeled back your faces as far as i could before i lost you
and i still don't know.

(buteitherway,)
i lie back down in my sheets and curl to match the pillows and empty space. i get lonely (ohsolonely) sometimes, when i'm lying there surrounded by dead air and a thumping heart. but it wouldn't matter if i were with someone else, i'd feel just as lonely still.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:1:05 am.
Music:pj harvey; "big exit".
!! kick off into the new world;

a brazen little grin marking the face / i stir in my own skin, feeling slight discord with the braces of reality. i step forth ( not in body )

& find a new place for my thoughts to settle.
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Blurty for super fallen star.

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