[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Thursday, September 16th, 2004|
Christ. I just blew the fuck up. I just saw a picture of my mom for the first time in 7 months, and I couldnt take it, i started crying. it all hit me, i missed her so bad, and now im thinking about how my family used to be so cohesive, and now i barely talk to any one. i wish i could talk to someone now about this, but mike's busy, and i don't know hw my dad would react. all i can think is i miss my mommy. i cant even counter that with all the horrible stuff she has said to me, it wont work. in that picture she looked so old, and her bells palsey was acting up, and i just wanted a hug from her so bad i could damn near feel it. gaf i miss her. i do. and i cant tell anyone. i dont know what to do. i need guidance, i need help. oh god this hurts, i want my mommy. i miss her so bad. i want my mommy.
|Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004|
I'm starting to use blurty again, kinda of as a private thing. noone knows I have this, so while its not really private, it is better then pen and paper. I'm always online anyhow.
Going on and on and on. Love M., hate my job, hate life and my mother. but whats new? she and I have never gotten along well. It depresses me, but I cant have that kind of relationship. I found out recently that she never even graduated high school. Sucks to be her. I really have no sympathy for that woman. She is the one that has to wake up in the morning, knowing she has driven two of her four children away from her. Not me. I refuse to carry on the legacy of mentally abusing my children. And if that means not reproducing, so be it. I refuse.
Things are going well with M and I. I love him, I really do. God that sounds cliche, and hackneyed. But what are you gonna do? These things are cliche for a reason. They've been said so often that they mean nothing anymore. Thats why I hate the English language. Did you know, we have 5 words for pancakes (griddlecakes, flapjacks, etc) and only one to express the highest sentiment for another being? that, in my mind, is rediculous. I feel like we have started to stagnate slightly, there is no forward progression. We've been living together for 5 months, how much more farward can we go? Engagement, and marriage, I suppose, but He doesnt want to rush me, he wants to be sure that I'm sure. And I canunderstand that. But I want the pretty white dress! Ha, like I could wear white without laughing. I've done some bad things in my time. I'm not asahmed of them, I just don't believe they are for public consumption. ANywho, back to stagnation. I want to move forward, break new ground with M, but where can we go? I want to do all the couply things, that everyone else does, like B&Bs, and weekends in the Islands, and other silly things. I often find myself shocked to be thinking this, but I do. I like putting my hard side, aside, and being soft, and nice, and easy going.
I guess I'm just mildly discontent, and will have to wait for it to pass. This is my most intense relationship yet, and I'm still striding forward by being here, arent I? Everyday, I am breaking new ground within myself. M makes me a better person. With him, I am comfortable enough to start exploring the dark parts of myself. And that is saying something. I don't mean BDSM and whatnot (been there, done that), but more the innermost recesses of my psyche. (Ooo, $10 dollar word) Ahh well. I should get up and do dishes. Blah. domesticity takes another life.
|Monday, December 30th, 2002|
The question here is, is anybody interested in knowing whats going on in my head? And should I keep all the truly good bits to myself, for fear of giving others ammo to use against me at a later date. Does that make me sound paranoid, fearing that even something as innocent as this could come back someday and bite me in the ass? Now that I write it, it does... grrr.
Spent all day cleaning and thinking bout stupid shit... found myself more in love with R then i thought i was. crap damn hell... dont need this. Havent seen him in years, but still think about him. I know hes such a fuckin slacker that id end up supporting his ass and living in a double wide, but gods... dont tell me he is my soulmate... i wouldnt know what to do. arrrgghhhhh.... im such a puddle of confusion some days. Also thought about J and myself today. the situations changing, i think... not sure how to interpret it. other problem is, i cant talk to anybody about it cuz there are so many loose lips in that circle. Must wait (acckkk! show patience? is that possible?) to see how it develops. probably just my stupid fucking depression altering my entire world view... again.... i wish i could just go into hibernation, so i wouldnt get these horrible winter suicide attempts. I give it about 6 - 8 weeks before i blow up and do something incredibly stupid. what a way to get out of a depression, eh? spend all day doing something you abhor and thinking about the bad things in your life. Not that J's presence in my life is bad; quite the opposite. Im just not sure how to handle changes in our friendship. need more information. must get C drunk enough to divulge info and not remember it afterwards. C is the only one in that cirlce I think i could really get the info out of without humiliating myself. Everyone else, if approached with certian questions, would just laugh me into a puddle of humiliation and shame. Hmmmm.. must go to bed to insure that I have enough sleep to be able to party tomorrow night w/o passing out and making an ass out of myself.... Goodnight moon and all that other happy shite.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Skinny Puppy vs Front Line Assembly - Dead of Winter