| Tears form behind my eyes, But I do not cry. |
[12 Oct 2008|09:21pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
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music |
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Timbaland - Too Late To Apologise. |
] |
Lately my life has been pretty stressful. Senior year is definitely not the easiest... it's actually pretty hard. I hate my biopsychology class. It's so boring and it's at 8:45 in the morning which sucks even more. I'm in the process of applying to grad school. I'm applying for the Central PA program for the SW masters degree through Marywood but the classes are located at the Bloomsburg University campus. I figure it will be closer to home and easier for me, not to mention cheaper for me too.
Other than that, I've been working at Muncy on Sunday's... getting some good experience as far as mental health goes and some extra money. I've been trying to conserve the money that I do have and so far it's been working. I can't wait until I graduate and am able to get a job in my field that pays decent. It will be exciting!
Brandon and I are doing well. We have been getting along great for the most part lately which is always good. I'm with him almost every weekend. It's nice to be able to relax on the weekends with him. When I'm with him, all my stress goes away. it's a good feeling. :)
Next weekend is Lancaster weekend! I'm super excited for that. It will be a blast as it always is. the next couple of weekends are going to go by fast since i have so many things to do. but i'm going to try to enjoy them one day at a time. sometimes i tend to be worried about the following week and then i miss the here and now of things... i need to work on calming down and taking one day at a time. i've always been that way though... it's hard to change.
anyway, yeah. thats pretty much it. i love my life.
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| thoughts. |
[18 Sep 2008|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
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music |
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Hinder - Better Than Me |
] |
I started my practicum at Gaudenzia two weeks ago. It's a drug/alcohol outpatient facility in Sunbury. So far it's been what I expected. Since I've been exposed to the programs before I knew what to expect mostly. But one thing I wasn't expecting was being reminded of things in my last relationship. I'm sitting in on individual and group sessions with clients and they are talking about their experiences and I'm being reminded of stuff. I don't know how to feel about it. I must have REALLY repressed a lot of the stuff I dealt with in my last relationship. Little things that have happened pop back into my mind and I really don't want to think about that stuff anymore. It's hurtful and it's not something I want to think about, ever again.
This field is going to be really emotionally draining for me, I can just tell. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with drug/alcohol shit. I want to help people who want help, but at the same time, I have a hard time separating other people's pain from my own. I take on their pain and I get really upset over other people's situations. I want to fix everything for them and I know it's impossible for me to do that.
So far it's been a learning experience. Some days I love it, some days I'm thinking, Can I do this for the rest of my life without going crazy? I guess we'll see how it goes. I think a lot of my stress has to do with this semester and the classes I am taking. Biopsychology is killing me... it's soo hard and I'm not interested in it at all. So I'm stressed about that, I'm stressed about grad school stuff, I'm stressed because I don't get to see Brandon as much as I'd like, im stressed over my car situation and money issues... the list goes on.
I miss not having to be so responsible. But then again, I want the next 3 years to fly by so I can be with Brandon every day.
it's crazy.
but i love Brandon. and things with him are good. <33. and he loves Gage now which is beautiful. we're like a family. :)
ok, im done.
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| ~The sun is always in my eyes.~ |
[03 Aug 2008|08:35pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
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music |
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Third Eye Blind. |
] |
So the summer is coming to an end and school is about to start up again... in another week the summer camp will be over, then I work a few days at Muncy... then I go on a beach trip with Brandon to the Outer Banks. I've never been there before, and I hear that it's amazing... so I'm excited about that. (other than the money situation).
But anyway,
I think I have decided to go to graduate school. I'm going to apply to Marywood and see if I can get in for the social work program. If I get accepted, I am going to rent an apartment for the 2 years I will be going there, and I'm planning on taking Gage with me. I don't want to be up there alone... I'm pretty sure I won't do well if I'm completely alone... so I'm taking Gage.
I know it's going to be hard on Brandon and I and our relationship but I feel that this is something that I need and want to do. I gave up going to Marywood for Dougie and I regretted it... I don't want to make the same mistake again. If Brandon and I are meant to be together, things will work out. If not, then we were never meant to be together.
So yeah, that's pretty much it.
Work. Work. Beach. School. Work.
That is pretty much my schedule for the next few weeks. haha.
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| *I used to get lost in your eyes* |
[06 Jul 2008|06:51pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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Michelle Branch - Goodbye to you. |
] |
So lately my life has kind of mellowed out... after Buddy and Rufus both passed away, we started the process of moving on with our lives. It went quickly for me since right after I started both of my jobs so I was able to keep myself busy and I was able to not get myself more upset and depressed than I already was. It's really hard especially for me when I lose someone or something that I love. It hurts me a lot and I tend to dwell on things more than i should... it's unconscious for me and I don't think that it's something that I can really change or even work on. It's just how I am naturally... i'm an emotionally intense person and it's just the way i am.
Anyway, I still miss Buddy and Rufus and there are days when I see the whole thing with Buddy happen over and over again in my head... it truly was a horrible day... but yeah... life goes on whether we are happy or sad.
So moving on... I started at Muncy and to be honest, I think that it's a great job for me and I love the environment and the people I work with. However, I wasn't trained very well and therefore, I have no idea what I'm doing... seeing as how I only had 2 days of "orientation" and I go in on the 19th and 20th BY MYSELF, I'm a little worried about it... my plan is just to ask questions constantly to make sure I am doing things right. They are just going to have to realize that I wasn't told much about the job... and help me.
I start working at the summer camp tomorrow and that will last until August 8th... I think it's going to be fun for the most part. I'm a little worried about the kids I'll be working with but I think that it's all a matter of getting used to them and the job itself... after the first week, I'm sure I'll have the hang of it and feel comfortable doing my job.
It's looking to be a good end of the summer... as far as jobs go. Brandon and I are having some problems but I think that we're past the worst parts... and we can focus on just trying to understand each other more and just work on making the relationship work... I really do love him and want to be with him and I know he feels the same way about me... we just have our days every once in awhile.
That's pretty much it...
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| R.I.P BUDDY AND RUFUS |
[22 Jun 2008|06:56pm] |
We love you both. Always.
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| There's always something in the way; there's always something getting through. |
[16 Jun 2008|09:42pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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Switchfoot - You |
] |
I started one of my jobs today... kind of. I went in for training from 9-1:30 and got to meet other camp counselors that I'll be working with this summer. I am pretty excited for the camp. All of the other counselors seem really nice. One guy actually graduated from SU with the same degree I am going for so it's pretty sweet. I think it will be fun.
Muncy prison also called me about starting there around July 1st which I am kind of also excited about although working two jobs at once may be draining. Who knows. All I know is I am going to be gaining valuable experience in my field and it will be pretty awesome to be able to use it on my resume.
Also, I went out for my 21st last Friday night and got a little drunk. It was a lot of fun though. It was 80's night and Laura came along. We had a great time dancing and having fun. And Brandon came down at the end of the night to spend the night with me, so I was happy about that. The next morning wasn't much fun though.. haha.
OK, that's pretty much an update on my life.
It's peachy.
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| How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? |
[03 Jun 2008|09:51pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
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music |
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Michelle Branch - Goodbye to you. |
] |
This is what love looks like...
Hahaha,
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| I need you to feel this. |
[26 May 2008|10:58pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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Tool - Prison Sex. |
] |
So I'm still jobless which sucks so much. I have another interview on Thursday so hopefully this one works out because if not, I don't know if I'll be able to take it anymore. It's sooo hard to find a decent job... it's annoying as hell.
Brandon got a motorcycle... it's pretty cool and will save him money as far as gas goes. It should help out a little which is a good thing.
Uh, my 21st b-day is coming up in a couple weeks. I am quite excited, although it really isn't a big deal for me. I don't drink very much at all anyway so it will be just another birthday I think.
On Sunday Brandon and I hung out with Laura for the day/night and we had a campfire. Logan came out for an hour or so and we had a nice talk in front of the fire. It was nice to catch up with friends. I don't really get to see them anymore as much as I'd like to. Everyone is so busy these days...
That's pretty much it.
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[03 Apr 2008|05:43pm] |
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You want the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and can't change? Here's step 13: everything disappears. Love, trees, rocks, steel, plastic, human beings. None of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time, or you can be grateful that when your body rubs against somebody else's it explodes with enough pleasure to make you forget even for a minute that you're a walking pile of ashes. Now that is the truth.
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| I wonder, Is there anything I'm gonna miss? |
[31 Mar 2008|10:21am] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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Third Eye Blind - How's It Gonna Be. |
] |
So I'm waiting to leave for class in a few minutes and thought I'd write in this. Lately my life has been pretty normal...nothing too drastic has happened. Brandon's birthday was yesterday so I spent the day at his house. It was nice. I spent the whole weekend with him which is great... too bad it's not going to last once I start working this summer. :(
Other than that, I'm just dragging myself to class and back... doing homework and seeing Brandon as much as I can. Only a few more weeks and I'll be done with school until next semester and then I'll be a senior! i'm kind of excited. and soo ready to be done with it so I can get a job and start saving money so I can move out. As much as I love my family, I want to get out and have my own life. Whether that be with Brandon or just with Gage, I don't care. Actually I'd rather it be with Brandon AND Gage, but we'll see what happens with that. I'm not even getting my hopes up when it comes to relationships. Anything can happen in a year or so.
So yeah, I have nothing else. My life is great. My dog is great. My family is great. Brandon is great. etc.
OK byeee.
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| I hate how I am sometimes. |
[07 Mar 2008|11:45pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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None. |
] |
Ugh. I really hate feeling like this. I'm upset about nothing... or maybe about something but I can't even say what. I get in these moods maybe once a month. And yes, something normally triggers it. I just need to be held by someone who cares honestly.
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| Blog that I agree with. |
[13 Feb 2008|10:14pm] |
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"I am voting for Mike Huckabee because he is the best man for the job. The Presidency is a job, and you should be interviewed accordingly. Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards all want to have government-controlled healthcare. How has government-controlled elder care (i.e. Social Security) worked for America? Also, a Republican should be consistent. Mitt Romney has been anything but that. John McCain has good experience, but not executive experience, which we need desperately at this time. And although Rudy is very popular, he is so close to Clinton and Obama on most of our issues today that he might as well run as a Democrat. Mike Huckabee is the only candidate with the values, plans, and experience to lead this country to REAL CHANGE (since that's so important all of a sudden in 2008), and a brighter future for America."
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| You know my heart is true. I can't stop lovin' you. |
[10 Feb 2008|07:54pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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Can't Stop Loving You - Van Halen. |
] |
"I wonder how many people never get the one they want, but end up with the one they are supposed to have."
One of my friends from school had that as her away message today, and I think it's a really good quote. Kind of saying that while we may at one point think we want something, but have no idea that something better is waiting. At least that's how I take it.
Anyway, yeah I am completely bored. It's been snowing off and on and there is nothing to do. For some reason I don't feel good, which isn't surprising but eh. This weekend was fun. Brandon stayed Friday, Saturday and then went home Sunday. We went ice skating and bowling. I made pot pie. It was a fun weekend. I'm sad it's over.
Um... yeah, I have nothing else.
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| I'd break in two for you |
[03 Feb 2008|11:23pm] |
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I feel disappointed.
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| I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down. |
[03 Jan 2008|01:41pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Photograph - Nickelback |
] |
So this not having anything to do is starting to get old. I think I'm ready to go back to school... but I know that once it starts I'll want to be on break... hahaha. Oh well. Christmas and New Years came and went, and a fun time was had by all... at least that is what I am assuming. I had fun... Christmas ended up being different than most years because of my great gram being in the nursing home and not being able to go up the steps. But I guess the change wasn't that bad... I just like to stick to tradition.
This weekend (or at least Friday and Saturday during the day) I'll be in Connecticut at a hotel. Dad is going to a Kidrock concert and me and mom are going along. We plan on swimming at the hotel all night... or at least I plan on making her swim with me. Hahaha, it should be fun either way. The only bad thing is that I won't be able to see Brandon, but I guess it won't be that bad. Brandon and I have been spending muchoooooo time together which is good... so maybe we need a break from each other. Or maybe not. I don't feel like we do, but it might do us some good.
Other than that, I have no plans. School starts in less than 2 weeks. This next semester is going to be difficult... I won't get home till 4:30-5 every day... so that sucks. But I really had no choice... some classes I just needed to take. So yeah, that's about it.
Back to cleaning my room....
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| Every second I'm without you I'm a mess. |
[21 Dec 2007|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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The Used - I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes). |
] |
It seems lately that I am always sick. I wake up most mornings feeling like I'm going to throw up...but I never do. Then the rest of the day is a mixture of feeling good and feeling sick. It's kind of annoying. I am half afraid to go to the doctor because I'm afraid that I have some kind of disease or something. I don't know...
So anyway, other than my being sick my life has been pretty good lately. Brandon and I are doing okay. We have our days when we end up fighting over something dumb, but I think the fact that we talk about it makes it easier for us to get past it. I feel like our relationship is getting stronger because of that. It's easier now to talk with him because I feel like he actually knows the real me and I feel comfortable talking to him more now. I think he might feel the same way.
Dougie came down last week to visit. That turned out to be way more dramatic than it needed to be. I thought that maybe I wasn't ready to see him but I wanted to find out anyway. Brandon was uneasy about it which is understandable... but it happened. And it went fine, and I realized that I really am over Dougie. My realizing that Dougie and I can actually be friends and not have lingering feelings I think just made my feelings for Brandon that much more meaningful. I think that seeing Dougie and being able to spend time with him as friends really solidified the fact that I am in love with Brandon.
Umm, Christmas is coming up. Brandon is coming down tonight and we are going to exchange presents since we won't really see each other after this weekend until after Christmas. It will be exciting... and then we are going to watch a scary movie and it will be cute.
So yeah, I am waiting for him to get here and i'm bored. That's really all that I have... my life isnt that exciting. ;)
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| I shouldn't have to be doing what I'm doing. |
[16 Dec 2007|06:33pm] |
Homesickness is just a state of mind for me.
I'm always missing someone or someplace or something
I'm always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere
My life has been one long longing.
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| he tried to give me a hairtie that wasn't mine. |
[18 Nov 2007|10:41pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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music |
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None. |
] |
For some reason, that sentence, although so simple and about something as stupid as a hairtie,
is really sad.
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| I’ve heard it’s pretty where you are |
[17 Nov 2007|12:20pm] |
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mood |
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awake |
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music |
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BSB - Love Will Keep You Up All Night. |
] |
Writing this paper about love is tough because there isn't just one way I view love. There are so many different kinds of love and it's hard to tell the differences between them sometimes. There is obviously a difference between your first love, and all of the others that follow. But it's hard to explain that difference. And since I've only really loved two guys in my life (so far) it's like I have to do a comparison, and that's shitty. I think this paper is dumb.
Other than that, eh. Family problems are dying down at least for now, so that's good. I need Thanksgiving Break. I feel like all I do is worry and work. And that's also shitty.
But I'm optimistic? Things will get better. They always do. They already have actually.
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| This is the reality of Love. |
[12 Nov 2007|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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None. |
] |
As much as I'd like to disagree, it's pretty much true.
"This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together."
~*~
Or maybe i'm just depressed and am trying to find other reasons to add to my misery? Who knows. All I know is that my life is taking a bad turn. Isn't that the way it goes? I feel so misunderstood. I feel like nobody knows me truly besides my family and Laura. I feel like I don't understand other people in my life. I feel like I can't help the people I want to help. I feel like I should want to be helped by other people, and I don't. I feel like I should be able to talk to certain people in my life and I can't. Instead I find myself wanting to talk (or talking) to people who I shouldn't want to talk to.
And what hurts the most is thinking about my past and how reversed the situation was. I was happy for the most part up until the break up with Dougie and a few months before that. I felt like I knew what the rest of my life was going to be like. I felt secure. I felt loved. I felt everything that I wanted to feel. Now I find myself comparing what I have (and lack) now with what I had back then.
It's stupid, really. I always do this when I'm upset. I make the situation way worse off than it really is. I tend to make irrational decisions and then end up regretting them later.
That's my nature. At least I'm aware of it?
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