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yawwwwn [28 Jun 2004|03:52pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | u make me wanna-usher ]

Dear Diary...

omg i am soo tired. today i woke up at 3 and then again at 7 with madison. she just wont sleep a whole night and itz startin to wear me down. im so tired during the day that i cant keep up. my house iz a mess we hav no food and i havent done laundry in like 2 weeks. shit i should do some of that today. around 8 i got up to take Haley to vacation bible school and ended up staying to help them out bcuz they needed volunteers. it waz fun i love kids! haley met thiz boy and it waz so adorable lol hez gunna come over thiz weekend i think. lil girls just dont kno what their getting themselves into haha. after that i pretty much just came home, talked to kevin for a lil bit and then took a nap. kevin went to get hiz truck and i figured he wouldnt b home for awhile lol. men and their stupid trucks i dont get it.

another note...we finally set a date. july 31st we r gunna meet and itz going to b so awesome...right? i sure hope so. im soooo fucking scared tho itz crazy. me and robyn r going to go to erics football game and then back to my house for the night...ya kno...if all goez well. i love him with all my heart so i kno itz going to work out. itz gotta b natural to b scared and uneasy... i can just picture us being totally speachless at first lol. itll b memorable i kno that much. we can talk so easily on here that im hoping itll b the same. i cant expect a whole lot just yet tho. hez going to meet madison after the game too. im nervous about that too. not as nervous as him meeting me but still. what if hez hesitant once he sees that shes really there. or doeznt wanna deal with having a baby so young. i dno theres so many things that keep goin over and over in my head that i just cant get out. i havent really slept well the past few days im so nervous and everything.

thatz enuff for today...

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i havent updated in awhile [25 Jun 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
[ music | rock the boat=aaliyah ]

dear diary...

i havent been updating as much as i would like... i guess i just dno how to write down how i feel or what im thinking... i guess ill start with yesterday.

Yesterday: i went to work around 5...i felt so awful leaving madison with my mom she waz screamin when i left i almost cried... i hate when my baby girl cries! i worked til only 1130 instead of 330 like i waz supposed too... so me and robyn went to theresas house cuz she waz having a party but everyone just stayed til like 130 and then left... we stayed at theresas cuz her brother waz home and hez hot haha...we played ping pong and talked and blared music...it waz great. but i missed kevin and madison soooo much. i dno if i can handle many nights without them.

Today: i ended up going to bed at 430ish and getting up at 8 only to discover i couldnt go back to sleep! so i just went home and saw my baby finally...she waz so happy to see me. i love the feeling i get when she looks at me and smiles. shes gettin so big i cant stand it! well around 1ish i got online to talk to kevin. we talked for a lil bit and it waz really awesome i missed him so much. around 530 or 6 i went to the mall with madison and robyn and cayce. i havent hung out with cayce in awhile so that waz cool. i bought a few things for myself but of course splurged on madi lol. i got her the cutest bathing suit ahh i love it! shes so chunky i just cant stand it haha. my brothers call her chunk =/ haha. itz cute but it wont last long i hope. i also got a frap at starbuck...ahhh heavenly! haha. i came home around 830 and put madi down for a nap and got on just as kevin went away. =( i waz really sad... i miss him sooo much and hez not on. i dno where he went! i want him to come home.

-ashton haz really been a dick lately. i just wanna scream at him sometimes. hez alwayz all over robyn and makin jokes about me or madi and itz just not funny. in october tho im gunna regret being mad at him i kno it...when he leaves im really going to miss him. im going to miss mike and adam too! omg my house iz gunna b so empty...=/ and then in december cayce iz leaving! atleast in july brian comes home. haley iz counting down the days its so cute. she made a lil calander and theres a big smiley face by july that says daddys coming home on it...awww i love that lil girl so much! shes been callin me mommy tho sometimes and i dno how to make her stop...like i dont wanna b like u dont hav a mommy u cant call me mommy ya kno? i dno hopefully when he gets home hell explain it to her. we hav been writing him letters but he haznt written back. i hope he doez soon cuz i miss him like crazy!

thatz enuff for today...madisons up i gotta go tend to my daughter lol

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Lotz on my mind... [17 Jun 2004|07:45pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | movie-Against All Odds ]

well... ive been thinkin about getting a journal since i used to hav one and it helped me sort things out. i really need to sort things out right now. jeanna asked me today how me and kevin were doing. i wanted to say awesome but i really dont believe thatz what he would say. he tellz me some things sometimes that really just make me want to curl up in a corner and die. they make me feel so awful. he doeznt mean to and i kno that but he doez. i never kno what to say and i dont think that helps what he feels. i really wanna just scream and get up and leave. but i cant. i couldnt do that to him... i really care what he thinks and what he feels and the fact that i make him feel so insecure and scared and unwanted makes me feel so shitty. i just wanna be there and hold him and tell him everythings ok but i cant and thatz not going to change and him asking me to change that just makes me feel worse. i understand what he feels i really do and he haz every right too but i just dno what to do nemore. im so scared. im so scared to call him and hav everything change. i love how things r right now. i want them to change but in a way im afraid for it to change. im so afraid that what happened to shannon could happen to me. i trust him with all my heart we hav been thru so much and it would just kill me to learn that he could be that cruel. he stayed with me thru my whole pregnancy and it waznt even hiz. hez willing to be with me and accept my daughter. now that i hav a daughter it changes everything. nuthing i ever do will just affect me. i constantly hav to think about her and how whatever im doing will affect her. i love him so much and i want my baby to hav a daddy. he iz one of the most important things in my life right now and id give nething to change the fact that hez not her father. i want so bad to be a family but the fact that hez not here and itz up to me to change that and take the big step iz almost to much to handle. ill do it... i couldnt live myself if i didnt... but ill do it on my own time. he doeznt understand that and y i dont wanna talk about it. damn im so difficult.

i love you kevin christopher... more than nething in the world...

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