Its Bittersweet That You Run To Me's journal

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Monday, April 5th, 2004
10:53 pm - blah
today sucked, im slowing seeing that i have no one, and its making me miserable as all hell, i have no life, no friends, i have nothing and i hate it...but i cant think of any way to change it, i swear only 3 of my friends even really like me, the other ones just use me for someone to hang out with or a ride somewhere, someone to complain to, never actually because they care whats going on with me and my life...i should just stop caring but for some reason i cant let myself do that...i think i need to go see a doctor this always depressed thing is starting to get really fucking old

the only good thing i found out today was that nick from runner up is filling in for ed at the cv show with sugarcult, so that made me happy, i bothered trevor for awhile today, i do that alot, im really going to leave him alone one of these days, so drews on and i havent imd too much of a pussy to talk to him, and that just isnt cool at all, one of these days i get the balls to IM him or maybe i wont...who knows...someone said something to me about him today, they were joking but it hurt, they still dont know that it bothered me, i gonna go now, no more petty rambling hopefully no one still reads this journal..

current mood: apathetic
current music: fall out boy - saturday

(Say It If You Mean It)

Monday, March 8th, 2004
10:16 pm - BNO

i cant go because i already have tickets for laga but im trying to work out a way to go to laga, watch cv play then leave to go see BNO its insane but then again its BNO i finally get to see them live, no more living two hours away in fucking altoona messing up my plans to see them...if i cant work out a way to go to that show im going to the one at mr. smalls...on the 18th or not sure i just know im insanely happy because BNO is coming...*smiles*

current mood: ecstatic
current music: Funeral For A Friend - 10:45 Amsterdam Conversations

(Say It If You Mean It)

Saturday, March 6th, 2004
11:51 pm - Friday
it started out sucky because i had every intention of going down to laga at around 12 30, 1 but my mom and sister had gone to Hell (Altoona) so they didnt get home until almost 2 30 and we didnt get to laga until a little after 3, when we got there we saw 3 of 5 senses fail guys within seconds of crossing the street towards the door. we saw Buddy tearing apart the van looking for something, Dave changing his shirt in the trailor...drools ok teenie moment sorry...then we saw Mike taking merch inside. after we said hi to Mike we went up to see if the line was massive or not, when we got to the top of the stairs we were surprised to see their was no one in line at all, so we left to go get something to drink from the Rite-aid across the street. as we were walking down the stairs Dave was walking up so we stopped and talked to him for a few minutes about the lackage of people and how we all hoped more people would show up later, but of course we were assholes and didnt ask for pictures or any of that shit. so after we talked to him we walked down the rest of the way and went across the street where we had another lovely run in with the homeless guy who yells about alligator people, he was talking to the brick wall outside Rite-aid which was quite entertaining. we got iced tea and some gum before we went back over laga.

when we got there we heard someone talking and got worried because we thought massive amounts of people had shown up but when we got up the whole way we saw it was just Nikki, a girl we had met before at mest in State College, so we were happy it was someone cool. kaycee and I stood around talking while Nikki talked to her friend on the phone, after awhile i sat down on the stairs to play a game on my phone, a few seconds later i heard key clinking together and figured it was Dave again since he had keys on his chain and they made alotta noise. he walked past me a few minutes later so i waved and he waved back before walking down the stairs, i swear he was holding a lunchbox, kaycee says it was a cd case and Nikki said she wasnt paying attention so we have no idea what the hell he actually had with him. Nick, the SF merch guy, walked past us and we all waved just being nice and when he walked past us we all saw that it said VAGINA really big on the back of his hoodie, we all started cracking up and Nikki completely stopped in the middle of a sentence and just laughed so that was very amusing. after another few minutes Nikki hung up with her friend and we all started talking, but 4 there was still no one inline, until 2 guys came and got in line, we found out their names were Dave and Eddie, we all talked about our odd encounters with homeless people in oakland and our favorite ones, like the crazy crackhead guy, the alligator dude, the guy with the marockas (i cant spell), and the guy who plays acoustic guitar for money. awhile later 2 kids who came all the way from Baltimore got in line, their show sold out before they got tickets so they came to pittsburgh of all places to see Senses Fail. we all started talking and acting like idiots, 2 friends of Daves came and got in line but i only caught one guys name, it was Matt and i knew that because he was writing Matt really big on the railing ha ha.

i sat down in the chair by the desk where the ticket person sits to take tickets and everyone who walked past in a band showed me their pass like i worked there, it was very fun because everyone kept talking to me like i worked there and i just went along with it. the senses fail guys however knew i didnt work there so they didnt pay much attention to my being in the chair. Buddy walked past us a couple times before i even realized it was him, he had his hood up hiding his new hair so i couldnt tell. Dan walked past us about a half hour before doors and i almost fell outta the chair when i realized it was him, which of course the guys laughed at me for, Garret walked past a little later so Nikki goes 'hi Garret' he said hi back and then preceded to almost fall up the stairs, i actually did fall outta the chair laughing at him. we were all worried there would be baracades because there was for mest, and everytime Buddy walked past i forgot to ask him if there were any, finally Nikki remembered and asked him as he walked past and he told us there wouldnt be any because 'they dont do that shit' so that made me happy because no baracades means really fun show. eventually Nick walked past us again and Nikki asked him if she could take a picture of his hoodie and he gladly let her after telling us he had it specially made and he was obviously shocked that a bunch of girls liked his hoodie.

by the time doors opened there was barely anyone in line but by the time the show started it was packed. we were getting smashed inbetween the crowd and the stage so hard that i thought my pelvis was gonna break but it was worth it. kaycee almost broke her arm during SFs set because a crowd surfer landed it on her at a weird angle and slammed her arm down into the stage but she wouldnt leave because i asked Dan for a drumstick after the set and he told me hed bring it to me so she wouldnt get out because he is her favorite (we're playing favorites here) the time the show was finished i could barely walk, my hair was soaked with sweat, mine and other peoples *makes disgusted face*, and Sean (guitar tech) was spraying the crowd with water during the set so i was also soaken wet but kaycee got her drumstick and was now on a mission to meet Dan.

we tried to make our way over to the merch but there was too many people so we went looking for the guys, we met Mike and Buddy first, they signed our cd case, and tickets before taking pictures with us, then we went and talked to Dave because we saw him before anyone else. he was in the backstage part of laga so he had to climb up over the railing to take a picture with us. we finally went and bought merch after we didnt see any of the other guys, i had to be complicated and need 3$ in change for merch which Mike didnt have any ones so he had to go searching other merch booths for my change and i felt bad but he said it was no problem. after we got our merch we headed outside because kaycee couldnt unbend her arm but we were hoping Dan was outside because she wouldnt leave until she met Dan. when we didnt see him we decided to go to mckie dees, we got a drink and then went and talked to Dave (from in line), Eddie and Matt for a few minutes. some fucker was messing with me about my Sex Pistols shirt, he was telling me how it wasnt 1984 anymore which was fucking lame because Sid was already dead in 84 but yeah he was a prick. after we got Dave and Eddies sn's we walked back out to head over to the vans to wait around for Garret and Dan. Nikki had stuck around too so we all stood around waiting, Buddy came out and i took a pic of him with Nikki because she hadnt been able to get a picture with him upstairs cus no one was around to take the picture. after awhile Garret came out and we talked to him, had him sign our stuff and got a pic before we stood around some more waiting for Dan.

my mom called my phone asking why the hell i wasnt at the car yet, i explained to her that we were waiting for Dan and about 3 seconds later he walks outside so i hang up on her after yelling for Dan. i told him i hung up on my mom because he walked outside and he found it funny, we told him we were waiting around for him and he seemed amazed, i guess no one ever waits around for Dan, i dont see why. after he signed our stuff and took pics with us and Nikki we all stood around talking about the Skate and Surf and other random things. as we're talking i look up to see Sean climbing on the hood of the beautiful mistakes van, i started laughing and took a pic because Sean is an awesome kid. we were all laughing because he was on the hood then he climbs up on the roof of the van and starts acting like the kid in TeenWolf. he was doing handstands and walking on his hands across the roof while everyone took pictures, random people yelled TEENWOLF at him and Buddy yelled that he was a fucking ass. it was very amusing and i made an sn SeanIsTeenWolf because that just made my year. after Sean got safely to the ground without falling and dying we told everyone good bye after getting Nikkis sn and then walked down the block to meet my mom at the car. Kaycee still couldnt move her arm but she was refusing to go to the hospital so we went to walmart to get some junk food then we went home. about a half hour later she could bend and unbend her arm so we figured she was ok.

so after everything she was ok, she could move all her fingers and her arm, but we're both really fucked up, i have bruises about the size of a fist on each of my hips, huge bruises on my thighs and my arms are covered from both the Mest show and the SF show but it was all completely worth it and i hope SF really does come back with rufio, Buddy said they were but the rufio site says they arent..i dunno but i hope they do.

Funny Things
random kid: is that Dans drumstick?
me: yeah
kid: ill give ya 5$ for it
me: nope sorry shed kill me *points to kaycee*
kid: are you sure?
me: positive
kid: ill rape you for it
me: no thats quite alright

Dan: you got a drumstick, sick dick
me: yeah some kid offered to rape me for it
Dan: thats really weird
me: you think its weird im the one he said it to

*Garret almost falling upstairs, me falling out of the chair laughing
*i take bitches down - Nikki
*i wrote a book called im hotter than jennifer love hewitt -Dave
*it says VAGINA on his hoodie!
*i have the attention span of a goldfish...
*do i really look like i work here?
*i bet 5$ this guy shows you his pass
*since everyone thinks you work here you should start saying you have to take all wallets and 4 tickets because we all need tickets and wed rather not pay for them....
*Daves Lunchbox/Cd Wallet
*Buddy trying to go in the wrong door
*the GO UPSTAIRS sign
*the guy who mumbles about us being there too damn early
*Garrets card and his picture
*whos youre favorite weird homeless person in oakland
*only in oakland
*we dont do that shit
*let me mount this man
*Dave is a cliche ponder-er
*blame Sean for your broken arm if the fucker hadnt stopped catching crowdsurfers
*ok so you girls think getting pushed into those metal things hurts, i have a dick and it hurts more
*Matt just got pulled outta the crowd, shit we're gonna die
*me *to the singer from the beautiful mistakes leadsinger*: this is rather painful
him: painful?
me: yeah theyre kinda pushing really hard and i feel like im being ass raped
him: can everyone back up a little please? some people up here are in pain
^^^woo he rocked my socks. i already liked the beautiful mistake but he made me love them more*^^^
****i think thats everything but im sure ill remember more***

current mood: tired
current music: Atreyu - Dilated

(Say It If You Mean It)

11:48 pm - Thursday
ok this took awhile because ive been being really lazy lately..ha ha, this weekend (2-26,2-27) well thursday and friday, were the most fun nights ive had in a really long time, they made me happy again, its been a long time since ive smiled and meant it but since those shows ive been smiling constantly and wishing the early november show was sooner...i wish laga wasnt closing

current mood: tired
current music: Thrice - Stare At The Sun

(Say It If You Mean It)

Thursday, February 19th, 2004
8:13 pm - I Guess We'll Never Know
so im sitting in computer class doing nothing and wondering if the rufio tour with senses fail is gonna come to pittsburgh because alotta people skip us...i tried to check the site but the flash on this pc isnt high enough for the site to open right so i dunno...theres also some shit going on with jordan that i want to help with because i think its my fault, i have this talent for destorying everything i touch and well it sucks...i cant update my journal from school because the site is blocked because of the over 18 shit on it, so i have to write this now and post later so now its actually only 12:30 but by the time i post who knows what time itll be...

mest is in a week and senses fail is the day after that, i cant wait next weekend is going to be the best weekend ive had in a long time. i get to go to the cv/runner up show tomorrow which rocks cause i want to see them with the new is going with me because why would i go see cv without her and kaycee? ha ha it just wouldnt be right, jordan is hopefully coming too because she wants to and if she can get the money shes coming so itll be lots of fun...everyone decorated my locker for my bday, a day late but had this big pic of mest and it was just the most awesome thing...but im gonna go the bells bout to ring...later


current mood: bored
current music: TSL - Up And Go

(Say It If You Mean It)

Monday, February 16th, 2004
12:07 am - Me And Jordans Random Convo About Dave Rocking Anything She Wants Him To ha ha
Auto response from totallylost27:
'what, bitch, what' -dave miller
ha ha he rocks my socks..

totallylost27: what does he rock if you dont have socks?
JadedWreckless: ha ha
JadedWreckless: thats a good question..
totallylost27: lol
JadedWreckless: shoe laces?
totallylost27: i know
totallylost27: what if you dont get them
JadedWreckless: how bout he rocks whatever you want him too..ha ha
totallylost27: lol
totallylost27: eyebrows?
JadedWreckless: ha ha sure

so yeah thats just a random convo we had last night..jordan is great i -heart- you kid...

*i got 'say anything' on yeah im all happy now ive already watched it almost 2 and a half times..jordan im gonna come to your house this weekend and we're gonna watch that, ferris and grind...itll be fun, im inviting myself ha ha, i also got an alkaline trio and a sex pistols shirt, and my senses fail tickets finally but yeah im gonna go..later


some guy on tv just said he had a fetish with bugs...he liked it when chicks stepped on bugs....and now i cant stop laughing, my moms like ive heard of some strange fetishes but thats just insane...

current mood: amused
current music: Alkaline Trio - Trouble Breathing

(Say It If You Mean It)

Sunday, February 15th, 2004
1:56 am - You'll Never Know...
today was really boring i just sat around the house but at like 5 30 we left to go the clearview/runner up/almost cool/vacancy show, of course being us we didnt even get to las house to pick her up until almost 6 and by the time we drove the 45 minutes to the show we had missed clearview which sucked cause i wanted to hear the new singer but we didnt miss almost cool or runner up so it was ok.

almost cool set was pretty fun because i started to learn the words last time we saw them. the band after them was good too so that was pretty cool. about half way thru their set my sis points out this guy on the side of the stages and goes 'isnt that chris from anti flag' so i look and my eyes get huge as i start nodding, she just laughed at me. i figured theyre from pittsburgh they must hang out at local shows but then i started thinking they were still on tour and wouldnt go talk to him being the chicken shit that i am. so i just didnt talk to him figuring the guy just looked a hell of a alot like chris, then during the vacancys set they said 'our friend chris is gonna come help us out with this next song' so obviously it was him ha ha. after the set i went and found him, i asked for his pick and we took a picture because i didnt have anything for him to sign. the only thing was my battery was dead so there was no flash, but the lights were on really bright so hopefully it took. he was really nice and if i ever hear anyone say anything bad about anti flag ill flip ha ha.

the runner up set was the best, the same kids from a few weeks ago were there and started a pit during 'lost conclusions' which i always get in because that my favorite song, and i always end up getting hurt too, someone stepped on me and cut the shit outta my ankle but it was worth it. its a battle scar ha ha it was funny because i wasnt actually trying to get in the pit cause those guys kick ass girl or not which normally is awesome but i wasnt trying to get killed ha ha but i got pulled in at one point and just never got back out until the song was over and it wasnt cool because no one else will ever mosh with me and im always getting my ass kicked by myself ha ha but im going to go now, probably to talk to jordan and mel about god knows what, something random im sure...everyone go listen to anti


current mood: happy
current music: Thursday - How Long Is The Night

(Say It If You Mean It)

Saturday, February 14th, 2004
3:07 am - Distorted Eyes When Everything Is Clearly Dying
this week went by really fast and odd, i kept thinking it was the wrong day or i just had no clue what day it was...i guess thats what happens when you dont get much sleep...
we just found out a few days ago that clearview now has a new lead sis is all worried they might not be as good but i hope that are, we might get to go to the show tomorrow night in hopewell and 'check out the new line up' but who knows.

i spent last night in altoona, i swear its like the forgotten part of the world, we stayed at some hotel where we could get espn which was happy about until i realized winter x was over about a week ago, so i figure ill hook up my dvd player and watch grind, which my mom bought me, and i find out the tv is cheap and nothing can be hooked up to it, so i basically just watched late night talk shows like jimmy kimmel and conan with my mom before i fell asleep.

then we spent part of the day up there with my dad, we went out to lunch and all that quality family time, as quality as it can get when we're a broken home. then we dropped him off at his apartment and left, we got back here around 3 30, joe (kaycee) and me watched grind then we decided to go the mall and blow some of the income tax, so i got new shoes, a new hoodie, cheshire cat gloves, cheshire cat stationary, a labirynth (sp?) pin, a new cd player, a new atreyu cd, and a 'say anything' shirt with john cusack on it, so yeah today was a pretty fun day, we went to a video store that will remain nameless, but heres a hint it started with a h and ends in ollywood video, and they didnt have any copies of 'say anything' the lady looked at me like i was insane when i asked. it wasnt cool at all, ive only seen the movie once and i dont even really remember it, just that i know i liked it enough to buy the shirt when i saw it.
but yeah i hope tomorrow is fun if we go to the kinda bias to keith cus i loved cv when he was singing but i gotta atleast give the new singer a chance before i bash him..but im going to go probably sleep who knows...


current mood: tired
current music: Senses Fail - Ground Folds (acoustic)

(Say It If You Mean It)

Monday, February 9th, 2004
10:32 pm - When Happiness Is Based On Lies Its So Hard Its Too Hard To Tell The Truth
so today was a typical monday, boring beyond belief, i was so tired im sure people thought i was stoned...ha ha...i heard the new senses fail song 'buried a lie' and im addicted to it, i cant shut it im going to be posting those getting worried because im afraid the senses fail show is going to sell out and i swear ill cry, ok not really but i might break something...we were on the message board today and it seems like everyone who goes to sf shows meets atleast one of the guys if not all of them, because they just like wonder around whatever city theyre in and a girl from pitt. actually said laga is the best place to meet them so im all happy hoping i meet them.

i also had a kinda sucky day because i found out something that i think a friend of mine should know but i kno itll hurt that person so i dont want to tell them so yeah that sucked but other than that today wasnt for those lyrics ha ha

-Senses Fail- -Buried A Lie-
Rest in peace girl, your death is such a shame
The paper said a bullet got in your way
But I smell foulplay, possible poisoning
I had to bring her in for questioning
I went to your grave, dug up your body
Brought it to my house, where you lay

So lets play doctor babe
We'll operate today
Incisions must be made
You could help solve this case
For me...

I headed downtown, to share what I had found
It's not a suicide, it's a crime
I have a witness, it's clearly evident
There had to be someone else present
At the time of death, poisons in stomach
How could she pull it, if she's dead?

So lets play doctor babe
We'll operate today
Incisions must be made
You could help solve this case
We need a scalpel now
Under white lights you lay
We've got to hurry up
Before the flesh decays

I'll catch the murderer
And send him away
I'll get the evidence
From your last day

Your last day...

So lets play doctor babe
We'll operate today
Incisions must be made
You could help solve this case
We need a scalpel now
Under white lights you lay
We've got to hurry up
Before the flesh decays


i cant get it outta my head, ive been singing 'lets play doctor babe' since computer class this morning when i heard the song ha ha lovely line to be singing all the gonna go later.


current mood: ecstatic
current music: Senses Fail - Buried A Lie...what else would it be?

(Say It If You Mean It)

Sunday, February 8th, 2004
11:26 pm
DESTROY SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL....i kinda just did that..i was making my dave background and well kaycee hit me and i drew all over his nose and face..then his hair wasnt cooperating, him and his fro were just screwing everything up..althou according to kaycee 'the fro is sexy' althou he isnt her favorite she actually likes dan cus hes only 16 and can play drums ha ha gonna go no more useless info..

current mood: amused
current music: Senses Fail - Steven

(Say It If You Mean It)

10:01 pm - new background...
the senses fail show is in about 19 days so every so many days until then im going to be changing my background to a different guy from the band...this week its mike..woo itll be dan next probably cus i already have his half made, then ill probably make garret to make kaycee happy cus she says i dont care enough about him ha ha then ill do dave and buddy last because making him before anyone else makes me feel like one of those lil teenie yeah im gonna go help kaycee finish up this english paper...later

current mood: happy
current music: Senses Fail - Dreaming A Reality

(Say It If You Mean It)

Saturday, February 7th, 2004
4:30 pm - Like Violence You Have Me Forever And After
last night was lots of fun, we didnt go to the show because las dad didnt want to because he heard there was going to be alot of fog so i just hung out over there and eventually i ended up staying. we went out to eat with her dad at this place where everyone looked at us like we were freaks, which well we are but yeah little kids stare so much. then we went to the video store and got GRIND *smiles* and Jeepers Creepers 2 which id seen before but it still scared me. then we watched X games cus yeah it was on and rather interesting so yeah last night was fun.
insiders from last night
-youre my bobble head
-wat up yo?
-he looks like a giant grasshopper..
-dont eggs have eggs?
-rabbits dont lay eggs so why does the easter bunny leave eggs
-why are u attached?
-isnt it great when lil kids stare at u
-that light is ugly
-wat the hell is hillcross?
ha ha la that was fun, we gotta do it again...

we're going to see runner up tonight at angels..*smiles* i cant wait, hopefully its lots of fun cus its probably the last time we'll see them for awhile cus theyre playing out in charleroi and hopewell...and if my car doesnt get inspected before next weekend we're missing the valentines day show with clearview and runner up..ill cry..ok not really but im gonna go so yeah...

current mood: excited
current music: Robert Smith & Blink 182 - All Of This

(Say It If You Mean It)

Thursday, February 5th, 2004
8:11 pm - Thats Right Im Blaming This All On You
today was boring again, i dont think i have a life, i was supposed to go to chads concert but it got cancelled i think because we're getting a buncha snow, i dunno. i really hope we can go to the clearview show tomorrow night, i need to get outta the house and spend time with people who arent in my family, althou kaycee will be with me im still not with my mom fighting with her for hours on end. for some reason im in a really excited mood, and i have no idea why but i have been for like 3 days now so i guess something good is going to happen cus it isnt a bad feeling....

i cant thank la enough for everything she does for me, really she takes care of me like im family and i heart her for that. all my other friends do it too, u guys all take care of me and that means alot to me even though it makes me feel weak because i cant help myself its ok because u guys make me feel better about everything. la, niki, jess and chad, u guys have been there for me alot lately and im sorry for dumping all my problems and fucked-up-ness on u. but thanks for all the help and cheering up cus we all know ive needed cheering up alot lately.

i also just found out from my sis that we're probably getting uniforms next year so yeah that sucks, i dont think uniforms are right i think they limit a persons self expression and how can u be urself when u look just like all the other yeah my hair will be like bright purple the second we get uniforms so people will know im not like everyone else, ok thats enough with the randomness, im gonna go now. later kids.

current mood: excited
current music: Something Corporate - Down

(Say It If You Mean It)

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
10:13 pm - Arent You Tired Of Being Weak
so ive been freaking out because i hadnt had caffeine in over 48 hours, im addicting to it if i dont have it i actually go through withdrawl and it isnt pretty. so i get all happy cause i get to go to school and have monica buy me a pop, so i go to the cafeteria take one drink of my pop and the teacher takes it from me! so i was freaking cause i had some and couldnt get anymore...its really pathetic actually, but she was nice to me cus i have her for foods and put it in her fridge so i could drink it during lunch *smiles* so i was happy i got my caffeine in lunch then right before the lunch bell rings an annoucement comes on telling us because of a new law thats being passed, students arent allowed to drink pop during lunch so i had to sit in the foods room drinking my pop do no one knew it was quite yeah that was about the suckiest thing that happened today...

then when i came home i took a shower and dryed my hair before falling asleep for about 3 hours then getting up, straightening my hair...which i hate, everyone else likes it but i hate it..meh...then i went to wally world with my mom to return a brush i bought that was suposed to be 99 cents and it ended up being five bucks and we didnt realize it til like 2 days later so we returned that and bought some pop *yay* and yeah thats a big plus.

im also sad because im probably not going to get to see clearview this weekend because we dont have the money to get the car inspected so its illegal to drive but im going to beg my mom..this is the first show in like a month so i really want to go that and i told kaycee id get her trevors pick after they play last time we saw them and i forgot so i owe her a pick so thats my goal for the night. i also got bored today and started spelling my name with band names and people from bands names it interesting and u can tell i was so fucking bored it wasnt funny..

T sunami bomb
A lkaline trio
B oys night out
I ncubus
T hursday
H 2o
A treyu

N ew found glory
I ll nino
C auterize
O ur lady peace
L ost prophets
E ve 6

S enses fail
T he used
E arly november
V room
I ron maiden
C old
K ill hannah

T om Gryskiewicz << thats probably spelled wrong...
A lex pappas
B uddy Nelson
I an Grushka
Tony lovato
H unter
A ndrew McMahon

S teve avery
T im armstrong
E d reyes
V innie acardi
I cant think of one ha ha
C onnor lovat-fraser
K enny vasoli

T he quiet things that no one ever knows
A sip of wine chased with cyanide
B etter off dead
I wont make you
T he leaving song
H urricane
A s you sleep

N o seatbelt song
I hate everything about you
C ut here
O n my own
L emonaide
E ight of nine

S o long
T aste of tears
E very sunday
V iew from heaven
I want to save you
C hoke me
K illing me

yeah i have no life...and that just proved it..ha ha later

current mood: sad
current music: Soco - Only Ashes

(Say It If You Mean It)

Monday, February 2nd, 2004
11:05 pm - I want to be emo and cry
well i just checked the warped site and i was all happy cus SENSES FAIL comfirmed then i read the next line and who else confirmed fucking good charlotte, that means every teenie and their mom are going to be at warped again, just like last year for simple plan only so much fucking worse, i want to scream because i kno warped will now suck because of the teenies. but im ignoring them and trying to have fun, its nfg, alkaline trio, fall out boy, thursday, senses fail, tbs, coheed and so many more that i love so ill just kick their asses when the pits start...thats all for now, i just wanted to share the awful news with everyone else, if this was 2 years ago then gc at warped would be great but now with the 'trendyness' and the 'sell out' status theyve achieved i dont even want to go now...blah it SUCKS! later


current mood: sad
current music: silverchair - emotion sickness

(1Say It If You Mean It | Say It If You Mean It)

10:41 pm - You Got What You Wanted Now
today was boring because well i had school which means nothing happened worth caring about...
i just realized that i dont remember very much about the last year, i dont even remember last new years very much. i dont know if its because the year was just so bad that it isnt worth remembering or if i just kinda forget all the bad memories trying to feel better and now i cant get them back *shruggs*. i have no idea but i know that i dont like it, i guess there wasnt anything worth remembering, i remember some of it though, i remember most of the summer because it was just fun and i remember meeting die trying because i dont think i could forget that as long as i live, i remember the civic tour and how much i hated the staduim but nfg walked out and everything just seemed ok..creepyness...

'id give anything to know the reasons behind the wreckage'...i really would give anything to know why my life fell apart, im talking shattered into millions of tiny pieces, they say everything happens for a reason but i cant think of one fucking reason why my life had to just become hell. was it to show me i could survive anything or that music is the only thing in my life worth caring about, if i wasnt for my music i think i would have died in state college, as sad as that sounds. i had nothing else, most of my friends turned their backs on me and most of the new ppl i ment didnt like me much because i wasnt just like them so i had nothing.

i swear i never ate, i can remember one day in the car my mom was like 'want to go to burger king' and i said 'no im not hungry' so she asked 'when was the last time you ate?' and i honestly couldnt remember, and its not like im annorexic and was trying not to eat i just didnt care enough to get out of bed and eat, i slept almost constantly because when i was awake all i did was think about how much i hated my life there or missed my friends, and im starting to whine like a little bitch so i think i better change the subject.

id really like to see Boys Night Out, althou im sure i never will because i just have that great of luck...HI LA, since i kno ur like the only one who reads this bullshit i write, i hope im making sense to you cus im not making much sense to gonna go to bed now...or atleast go try to watch my tsunami video that wont load cus its being mean to me, later


current mood: apathetic
current music: Die Trying coming from my sisters stereo, 'So Long' i think it is

(Say It If You Mean It)

Saturday, January 31st, 2004
2:17 am - We Were In Ohio?!?
tonight was lots of fun...althou it was kinda bad at first cus my mom didnt get home to drive us to the runner up show until 6 30 and by the time we picked up kayla and sam we didnt get there until around 8 and we were worried we had missed runner up but we didnt miss any of the bands we wanted to see so it was ok.

we got Rishi (space pimps), to tell kaycee happy birthday during their set and we asked Seth (runner up), too and he said he would just to remind him and well we forgot so he didnt say it but we reminded him after and he told her happy birthday anyways...we also got her favorite space pimps guy, Jared, to give her a hug and sign the drumstick we got during the set for yeah hopefully we made this a kick ass birthday...

the pits for runner up were fucking insane i didnt even want to get in them but i got pulled in a few all the same and got my ass kicked too, well actually i just got stepped on alot, damn shortness...but yeah it was fun as hell and i cant wait to see runner up again cus their crowds always go off like its the last show ever or something...i hope the next time we see them its just as fun and that when we see clearview again we can get the crowd to actually move and act like theyre interested ha ha...

me and sam danced around quite a bit cus we always do, we were trying to make letters with our arms to remind rishi to say happy birthday, kinda like YMCA only HAPPY BIRTHDAY, we only got the H and he remembered but it was fun. we tried to get the crowd going for second before the crash but it just didnt happen so we danced around and sang the words that we knew...

on the way home we got rather lost...actually it was alot lost, we ended up 15 miles from Ohio and had to turn around and attempt to find our way home so we left the show at about 11, 11 15 and got home at 1 30...but it was funny as hell cus we were being such assholes the whole time...and then we drop sam off at her house and my mom mentions ohio and explaining it to her mom if she asked and kaycee goes 'we were in ohio!?' and we just all started cracking yeah it was a fun night and i hope the next show is as much fun..without the getting lost thing thou..later.


current mood: tired
current music: the early november - all we ever needed

(Say It If You Mean It)

Thursday, January 29th, 2004
11:05 pm - I Know You Wanna Hit That, Hit That
today was pretty lame, we watched this movie in science that everyone kept telling me was so sad, it was about this little kid who gets this diease thats going to kill him. and it didnt depress me so im thinking im heartless...

however in good news....we probably are going to see runner up!! *smiles* but yeah im not sure yet, hopefully there is a show and they arent like stuck in there houses ha ha but im gonna go...later...also Sam has me listening to Bright Eyes...thanks a bunch babe...


current mood: happy
current music: Bright Eyes - If Winter Ends

(Say It If You Mean It)

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
7:17 pm - ...Boys Dont Cry...
today was reeaaaallly boring...we didnt have a delay althou we should have and i thought i was going to die on the bus this morning..dieing on the way to that hellhole would just suck. then the day went by really slow, nothing good happened today but nothing bad either so i guess it was a pretty good day. i saw the new blink vid in typing class and its pretty damn creepy but i still like it ha ha. i entered to win toms guitar and some macbeth shoes althou i think theyre really fucking ugly ha ha.

so yeah i have nothing to write about cus today wasnt ne fun so im gonna post this song cus its a kick ass song

...Something Corporate - Break Myself....

im on fire and the day is feeling hopeless
youd see me burning but the burnings turning smokeless
so i wont feel at all, no
its electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
the layered sadness and the madness it revolves
bringing down the walls where you found love, no

but im willing to break myself
to shake this hell from everything i touch
im willing to bleed for days my reds and greys
so you dont hurt so much

now im static as your sky is turning purple and grey
im learning that the further that i crawl the further that i fall
is that ok? no
and youre in pieces as your world becomes a rain storm
youve got no shelter im a thousand miles away
youll survived the day you say youre leaving say youre leaving

but im willing to break myself
to shake this hell from everything i touch
im willing to bleed for days my reds and greys
so you dont hurt so much
so you dont hurt so much

never again will we fire this gun
no never again your the only one
never again but your already gone

im willing to break myself im not afraid
im willing to break myself im not afraid
im willing to break myself im not afraid

im willing to break myself
to shake this hell from everything i touch
im willing to bleed for days my reds and greys
so you dont hurt so much
so much so much so much so much

current mood: bored
current music: Lost Prophets - Last Train Home

(Say It If You Mean It)

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
11:11 pm
Senses Fail, The Beautiful Mistake, Moneen, and Folly
02.27. Club Laga 9$ in adv. 10$ at the door
doors 7...all ages

...if anyone wants to come tell me....

current mood: ecstatic
current music: Beautiful Mistake - on a building

(Say It If You Mean It)

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