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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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They Say It's Your Birthday- The Beatles |
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I am not feeling chipper...at all. I have been depressed off and on for the past few weeks. It really doesn't feel good. I don't know. At the same time as longing deep connections, sometimes I almost wish I could be more detatched from everyone. Sometimes it just seems easier. And I wouldn't be disappointed. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too passionate and emotional for my own good. I just have such strong feelings, and then I get disappointed. Maybe other people are just not like that. I can't even go too into depth because...people just, they don't understand. It's not like they couldn't relate, or that they're not physically capable of comprehending. It's just that, the world's not on your side. Even the people you think are your closest friends. It's not like I have friends that are manipulative or shallow or anything. I have great friends. It's just that there are very few people that can see you inside and out, good and bad, who can see you cry, and who can see you scream, and who can see you break down...and all the other things that lend to human vulnerability...there are very few people who can see all that, and still see you, despite everything else, your soul, unobstructed. It's almost like people only open up to a certain extent, and then they shut you out. Like, "Woah, that's a little much." There's always a point where they're going to judge you. And, yes everyone judges, it's natural. We do it all the time. But I mean, there's always this breaking point, where there's something about you that's too real, or too raw, and then people shut down. To the extent that from that point on, things aren't the same, and you know not to tread there again. But we're human. I can't live like that. I can't live like this. I just need to get out of this place.
When I was in Montana, I had this conversation with someone. We were talking about how when someone gets hurt, they protect themselves by being 'careful' the next time. I argued, that this is the smart thing to do. Who wants pain? Of course you're going to protect yourself the next time around. The person I was conversing with argued that it's sad that someone is led to hold back a part of themself the next time around. I couldn't see this. Why would it be sad? If anything, I thought it would be a happy thing to think that you're going to have a more stable future if you correct mistakes you've made in your past. But somewhere along the way, I don't know if it was that day, or if was since then, but I later changed my mind completely. Chris was right. You are punishing a potentially innocent person by holding something back from them because of what someone else did to you. That's not fair. What if the next person is completely harmless, but you are forbidding them of something that they never lost their rights to? Why should the next person suffer? It is sad. For people to seal themselves up and not let go. And by 'protecting' yourself, you aren't only punishing someone else, but you are punishing yourself. You could be limiting yourself to something meaningful just because you won't open up. I don't know why i couldn't see it before. I'm not saying one shouldn't be cautious. After all, as far as we know, we only have one chance at this life thing, so of course we want to make it as happy as possible. But people place so much emphasis on practicality. But the truth is, you can't avoid it. It's life. Pain is life. People cry. And people get hurt. And it's terrible. Horrible things go on around the world. It's sad to think about. I wish I could help. And I will try. Sometimes it's good, though, to just be. Just live. On instinct. There is no right decision for every situation. Which is why I feel that the best way to go about things, is to do what you think is right. Or compromise. I don't know. All I know is...that person...the one that never closes their heart. The one who I argued about, the one that I originally said should protect themselves from hurt. The one who I later changed my mind about, the one who I later decided was doing the right thing not to guard themselves to heavily. That person is me.
Based on my revised firm belief, if the latter Sarah were to advise the Sarah above, she'd tell her to keep doing what she's doing...never hide
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enraged
excited
melancholy
crazy
hungry
anxious
thoughtful