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Tara Lynn Winegarden

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Feeling so Powerless [16 Jul 2003|06:08pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I hate not being able to do anything. I can see so clearly that Steve is broken down, but I can't do a damn thing about it. I hate Abby....truely i do. I can't even express how much I wish she was dead. She's been horrible, she is slowly killing steve and she even knows it! And she has the nerve to torture me even more by sending me these damn letters telling me about how much she's hurting him! It's not fair...it's just not fair! I don't know if I still have feelings for steve, and I only say that because I don't know if anyone could have feelings for steve, not in the condition he is in right now at least. I just care so much because I want him to get better, I want him to be the way he was. But I think I've obsessed over this for long enough, I'm going to try to change my line of thought.
I decided against going on that cruise ship, mostly because I'm not in the mood to mingle right now. I just needed some peeace and quiet and I'm actually glad the castle has been so empty. It's basically just me harry, hazel, and a few others....and I haven't run into very many people....and I don't think I'd want to run into harry and hazel, well not togetehr at least, just because I'd probably get an eye full, I envy those two more then I can say. Harry is the cutest thing I have ever seen, even if he has become a bit anti-social lately, I guess thats alright, seeing as he's got it worse than anyone here and still manages to stay normal...I think we all have hazel to thank for that. It's so damn adorbale to see how much she loves him, and how much he loves her. They've been married for quite a while now..almost 2 months I think..maybe longer, I lost track, but still I wish them the best, because I don't think either of them could survive on their own.
I don't know what else to write but for some reason I don't want to stop writing right now. I think writing seems so much safer then thinking about reality, at least when I'm writing about it I can still pretend it's all a story, that none of it is real. That's something I love doing, imagining it all as story...well all I can say is I hope the writers turn things for the best because I'm in major need of a strong dose of happiness.
~*Always and Forever - Tara*~

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Highly Regretting "wanting to talk" [30 Jun 2003|02:24am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Is not eating for three days unhealthy? Yes, I though so. But I just can't seem to keep a single thing down. I swear, the goal of this school and all the horrible people in it is to cause everyone to have a mental breakdown. And no...I'm NOT exagerating. Alright, I'm going to start this from the begining. I hadn't talked to steve in over a week, far to long since we were supposedly "going out", and I was really getting quite annoyed...which I think was completely justified. So I finally got fed up and decided to go down to his room and talk with him, just talk, something we hadn't been doing lately, since he seemed to be hybronating in his room (to my unfortunate revelation...he was hardyl hyrbonating) So, I walk into his room to "talk" and what do I see...nothing less then a full out lust session between him and abby. I don't think I will ever...EVER be able to get the picture out of me eyes...at that moment I seriously considered removing my eyes and throwing them at the two of them (of course they probably wouldn't hit them, since of course my aim would be horible without the aid of sight!). But you'd have thought steve would have the deceny to tell me! or TO AT LEAST LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR! now I am permanently scarred...(oOo, Just like harry!). I'm trying to poke fun at all of this because if I talk about it seriously I think I'll just break down into a mad convulsion of sobs...I've been in my room for what seems like forever (apparently two days being heart broken and alone seems like forever) and I can't get the sight, or thought of steve and abby out of my mind. I'm sorry, am I not good enough? Could I not pleasure him in the ways he so needed...sorry I didn't BEAT him like abby likes to...sorry that when I kisssed him I didn't draw blood! I think someone needs to throw steve a very large book on "healthy relationships" because my god..he needs some knowledge. I am so sick of loving him so much it hurts! I'm sick of actually caring that he is sleeping with abby, I'm sick of wishing with everything in my soul that I could just make him happy. thats all I ever wanted to do...make him happy...and it seems it was the only thing I couldn't manage. God, out of all the people why abby? why! I mean I'd rather have walked in on him and hazel...well ok maybe not...that would have had worse reprocussions, but still...abby...abby who used an unforgivable curse on him and made him hurt the people he loves...abby who almost killed a hell of alot of people...abby who forced harry to lseep with her...what the hell is wrong with steve! He can not balem this whole thing on his god damn depression...I'm sick of this...and I think I'm going to be sick again...amazing how one can thorw up even when they haven't eaten a damn thing.
-Tara

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To dance or not to dance? [10 Jun 2003|11:05pm]
[ mood | impressed ]

Well, now I'm not even sure where to begin! Last night was the ball, I didn't stay long...I got all dressed up and fancied up and looked my best (damn hot if I do say so myself) and I only ended up stay for about 20min. A total bust? Oh of course not! I always have reasons for leaving a party! I waited for Steve to show up, I knew he would, I'd talked to him earlier that day, and well we made plans to meet up later. This of course, was why I left the dance, he stayed for awhile to talk with people, you know steve, the social butterfly, but afterward we met up down in his room. Now don't go getting those dirty thoughts! None of that hap....ok I'm lying...but if I were a good wholesome girl nothing would have happened...luckily, I'm not and I shagged him senseless.
It was a wonderful night really, and I hadn't expected anything from it, just to talk, which is something steve and I haven't been able to do in a very, very long time. It was nice, no actually, it was perfect. He was so sweet, and charming, and I think his goal that night was to sleep with me (honry boy!), but it's ok...I kinda had the same plans for the evening. What can I say? Whenever me and steve get together...good things happen.
Oh and there was one more thing which I found very funny..I had a dream...a dream about Harry and Abby, and exactly what wen on during their night of well..whatever the hell you want to called that fucked up shit. Well here is how the dream goes...

Abby: Hey Harry...glad your here...now kindly remove your pants
Harry: whatever you say...just don't kill me
Abby: I'll try not to but God knows WHAT STD' I've picked up along the way...
Harry: That's just grose
Abby: yes I know...pants...floor...now
Harry: Can I have my wand back before it at least?
Abby: No..you can have the wand once you show me YOUR wand
Harry: Oh God
Abby: That's right...now come on it won't be that bad
Harry: Yes it will...I think I'm going to have a severe metal breakdown once this is all over and done with
Abby: yes your probably right...I tend to do that to people...
Harry: Yes you do
Abby: I'm getting impatient...I've almost killed about 50 people just to see you naked...now DROP THE PANTS!
Harry: Fine...but I don't like this
Abby: hmmm....well it looks like you do
Harry: Shut up...I'm guy what do you expect
Abby: exactly what I'm getting...lovely Harry truely...but I'm slightly disappointed
Harry; well...now that you've insulted me....
Abby: What can I say...I expected more from the great Harry Potter
Harry: I'm famous for my scar...not my...well...god
Abby: I know I know...but I had high hopes...now get over here and do me!
Harry: well isn't that romantic
Abby: It isn't ment to be but I'm an insane nut case who is forcing you to sleep with me so do it now or I will bite off your head...and no I will not specify which head
Harry: EEEP!

I woke just about there....it was rather funny..if you think of it in a none serious light...oh well...what can I say..I have a strange imagination....

~*Always and Forever Tara~*

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This is Madness [06 Jun 2003|04:06pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Harry did it...god he did it. I don't know HOW he did it, but he did. He slept with Abby, he fucked her, he slammed her! He dunked her doughnut! He gave her dog a snausage! He stuffer her like a Thanksgiving turkey...ok you get the point. I feel sick just thinking about it...it's like when steve did...but you know what i'm not going to talk about that...BECAUSE HE DID IT WILLINGLY! What the hell is wrong with people here. I mean, I know why Harry did...he would have died otherwise, although from the state he seems to be in right now, death may have been a better thing. Poor guy looks like a zombie...can't blame him, if I'd had to sleep with abby I think I'd be acting the same way. I hope Hazel can help him..I know she can, shes probably the only one who can...I'll have to giver her my advice again...sex and lots of it! No I'm kidding, my perscription for all this actually isn't sex, she needs to talk to him, make him talk about it, make him snap out of it. Not that sex would in any way be a bad thing..but I'm just going to shut up now. So there is my rant on all of those happeneings. I'm still disguated...and I hate abby...god I hate abby! We are going to have to start taking numbers for who wants to kill her...or crucio her...I'd be third in line...right after harry and hazel.
Oh yeah, now that I remember, Abby even knoecked me out...I woke up in the hospital wing a few hours later, I was completely fine, excpet for a faint headache, seems alot happened wheil I was unconscience. Steve had been hurt (damn I need to see him....talk to him) and Hazel got hurt as well, they are fine nowe, i just wish I could have helped kick abby's ass. I also heard Hazel used an unforgiavble curse...but I won't say anything more because if anyone found this journal and saw that, she could be in a hell of alot of trouble. I don't blame her if she did though...I'd have done the same...or worse.
So thats about it...fuck I hate abby and I need to see steve...its been far to long since we've really talked.

~Always and Forever Tara~

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WE've planned, and we've talked [23 May 2003|03:27pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Things are so weird right now. The plans to basically destroy Abby and Dru haven't gone as well as I would have hoped. Our one real chance, to get Harry or Steve to get close to Abby and then steal her wand, well Steve won't help at all...he's too far gone right now...god that boy needs help. And I don't think Harry will allow himself to, just because he knows how much it will hurt Hazel to know that he would have to...well get THAT close to abby. Seem's that all of my good guy friends have either slept with abby or come damn close...god she's like the slutty wana be world leader...seriously, she has major mental issues. Since no one else knows what to do, I think I may confront her...not in a violent way, but I want to find out some things...some things about her past. I mean, yeah she is fucked out of her mind...but why? I don't think any of us have stopped to ask ourselves what made her that way. And myself, being the curious little bee that I am, is going to findo out, yes tonight, I'll find her, and ask, I'll bring backup of course, maybe steve will help...I'll have to beg him to...but I'll try. Oh and something else, we were playing this game of "truth", me hazel, elvo, cadence, yeah it was a hllof alot of fun, found out some really interesting things, but I forget who it was, but they asked me who my first was....well, being the insigator I am...said Harry, which was a lie...a completely lie...I mean I've NEVER slept with Harry...unfortunately...but yeah, then once I said it was ajoke..no one belived me! UGH, honestly these people! It was ajoke though...I've never done more then kiss harry, and even that was AGES ago, I mean so long ago I can barely remember...ok I'm lying I remember it all, but like I said, long ass time ago. So thats about it...off to find abby...if I die...and somene reads this..pass on these words of wisdom.
-FUCKING KILL ABBY!
~*Always and forever Tara*~

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That Feeling [16 May 2003|03:34pm]
[ mood | worried ]

You know that feeling...that feeling that your about to die, that feeling that signifies the fact that you've been rippedin two and left to die, yeah...thast the feeling I'm talking about. That indescribable pain that eats away at your heart, torments your mind and basically leaves you a souless zombie...am I exagerating? No. I feel like I should be dead right now...burried in a casket far beneath the earth. I can't belive what has happened. I am so angry, I am so...so...damn there isn't even a word...utterly horried at the events of yesterday.
For some time now I have been trying so hard to work up the nerve to talk to Steve, to tell him how I feel, but o, I can't seem to be able to just go and do it, and now I fear I have waited to long. Last night Hazel did the STUPIDEST thing she could have EVER done...she kissed Steve. Now lets think about this, she KNOWS i am in LOVE with the guy...but she kissed him...she's married...so she cheated on harry fucking potter...who cheats on harry potter! Damn her...she has the whole world and she still decides to throw it down the drain, and for what! A kiss...a kiss that ultimately led Steve to try to commit suicide! I wanted to to sream bloody murder at her when she told me everything, but she looked so hurt, so...helpless I couldn't...I just couldn't be mean. I tried to console her...pat on the back...it'll all be ok sort of deal, but really, it won't. She betrayed so many people...me...Harry...and ultimately Steve. She KNEW he was in love with her...she KNEW that even being in the same room with her killed him..so why the FUCK would she kiss him! She can't even explain it...yeah steve is gorgeous...steve is amazing, steve has this presence about him, but I don't care you can't just do what she did! She needs to open her damn eyes and stop being so SELFISH! i don't know how else to say it...it's not all her fault, of course not...there were others...abby...fuck that bitch. I fouind out steve slept with her...just another way of telling how screwed up he was...is...whatever. She took advatnge of him...in the worst way possible...god I don't even want to THINK about him fucking her...god...uhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am so damn angry right now! She needs to die...I don't care how..no wait...yes I do...she needs to die slowly she needs to understand how much pain she caused...if steve dies...I....I on't know what i will do, but she will not live to see anopther fucking day...and thats for damn sure. Hazel showed me the note steve wrote to her...told her to kill abby...I don't blame him...and I don't blame her for wanting to completely comply to his requests.
I need to go to the hsopital wing...I need to see steve..I need to....even if he can't hear me...I need to....just tell him how I feel, how much I fucking love him....and if he wakes up that he needs help...he really does...people have to stop fucking with his mind...hazel especially...abby as well...just everyone. Maybe I'm to blame as well....I could have done something...I could have told him how I felt sooner...I don't know if it would have helped but maybe it would have given him a reason...a reason to live...maybe the fact that I cared would have changed something...but I never told him...so I'm just as much to blame...fuck this...FUCK THEM ALL! god I can't...I just need to go.
~*Tara*~

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There is SOMETHING wrong with me! [12 May 2003|06:17pm]
[ mood | ditzy ]

Ok so, I am contuing to be a spineless chicken, seeing as I can't get the nerve to talk...I mean REALLY talk to steve. I walked in determined to spill my guts but Hazel had him in a...compromising position, which couldhave looked bad, but I'm sure it was just a comfort hug...or at least that BETTER have been all it was. Either way I left really fast, no explanations wanted or needed...I'll try again some other day I suppose.
Perhaps it's just hormones, or perhaps it's a girly crush but I can't get my mind off Harry. It's horrible I know, and I would never act on these feelings, if that is what you want to call them...more just like physical reactions, but oh well...he's just so...fuck...he's so damn hot! There are probably goingto be a thousand journal entries in here about him...oh well at least I can spill my guts to the paper and not to anyone else..because God forbid Hazel ever found out that all my recent fantasies have put me and her husband in very interesting positions! LOL. One thing I do want to do, and I don't know why...is touch his scar...I mean it sounds so corny...and whern I think about it it is completely stupid but it is just so...legendary? Agin a corny lines but I'm fascinated by it...by him...oh well, I'll state my usual saying "Hazel is so damn lucky"
Ok off the Harry tpoic, for I feel I am bordering on obsessive, I should think more about steve...or should I? He hasn't npticed me much lately...well he never notices me much unless of course he's horny...wow that sounded bad..but fuck it's true...I think I'm begining to see the "whole picture" I mean, I think all I am to steve is a friendly fuck, and if thats all it is...then fuck him...but like I said I need to talk to him about all of this...I need to know to what level he is using me and to what level he actually has feelings for me. If he has any feelinsg at all...I suppose I shoulnd't assume anything at all. Well I hope Hazel and him sort throuigh all their shit...because God knows they have alot to sort through. I know I'm not in the best position but I wouldn't want to be in either of their shoes right now...well maybe Hazel...but thats just because...oh nevermind...MUST STOP HAVING BAD THOUGHTS ABOUT HARRY! ok...i've calmed down LOL.
Back to reality, I've written alot and I could probably blab on forver, because well thats just how I am...but what can I say...I ned to vent..I need to sort things out and since they don't make all that much sense in my head I figured they just might make sesne on paper. After re-reading this I have found out it is all just as fucked up on paper...oh well..the story of my life!
~*Tara*~

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Time keep moving by [07 May 2003|03:31pm]
I have come to realise that things for me have been far to quiet. I am especially refering to Abby, and how I am sure she is planning my death at this very moment, and I would be lying if I didnt say that scares the hell out me. I'm not some brave gryffindor here...nope, just a hufflpeuff who is most likely going to be hurt in someway very soon...thanks to Abby, and thanks to my horrible temper at times. Oh well, all I can do is wait, and pray that she will hopefully leave me the hell alone. Truth be told, in a battle she would win.
Ok off that subject, it is making me go insane if I havr to think of it anymore. I have to say that I talked to steve breifly. I didn't say much...didn't have a chance to and I'm still FAR to chicken to say anything truely meaningful to him. He's still pretty out of it so I think I'll wait for a while before I really let him know how I feel. The history between us two is so weird...I mean, he was just an ass to me sometimes, and he used me alot as well..but for some stupid reason I just keep crawling back...I'm like a damn lost puppy...so pathetic! Oh well, he's different now (yeah utterly dperessed) but still, I hope things start to look up fpor the both of us, because I miss steve....he is such a great guy....and so damn sexy I can't even put it into words! That thing he does with his tongue on my neck..oh I'm going to stop or I'll start screaming!
Oh one more thing, Harry....yes Harry Potter, who else? I've been noticing him, not in a bad way...well I suupose since he is married, it has been in a bad way but I can't help it damn it! That scar...that hair...those muscles...ok ok again I need to control myself...but really, he is the hottest seeker this side of...well hottest seeker ever! If he's that agile on a broom I'm wondering...ok ok...again bad thoughts! I'm so bad really...I wish I could just get all the dirty little details out of Hazel...and I mean EVERYTHING....but she is rather secretive about her and Harry that way...I probably would be to...but still...I wana know damn it!
Ok enough writing...I'm in desperate need of a potion to curse this headache! And maybe one to work up some nerve...but oh well!
~*Tara Winegarden*~
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I need to work up some nerve [04 May 2003|12:12am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Well Steve was apparently planning on leaving today (heard it throgh the grapevine) and I can't believe him! If he he thinks for one damn second that I am going to let him leave this school then he has got to be ratehr dumb! Seriously, how selfish is he being? wanting to just up and leave like that!? Is he not taking evryone elses feelinsg into concideration?! I love the damn guy, if only I could tell it to him...I can't even go see him now...mostly because I want to confess my undying love to him and he's still sulking over Hazel (who is married HELLO!!!! get over it steve!)
Ok i'm being insensitive...but come on here...steve has become the "male drama queen" and I love him for it, but really..he just has to move on...things happen, life happens, people fuck up...thats what happens, he needs to DEAL! I mean come on I was pregnant with his fucking child when he was dating Hazel...I didn't fall into pieces (ok so i did but that was different..I was having horrible mood swings) alright enough ranting and raving for one night..but steve NEEDS to get over it and move on...I am so very jealous of Hazel...she gets to shag the boy who lived whenever she wants (which my guess is pretty damn frequently) and she gets to have the slytherin heartthrob drooling over her as well...really not fair...all us other girls need a guy to..perhaps she was never taught to share lol I'm kidding of course...good night sleepies!
-Tara (I was informed today by some friends that Tara backward is "A RAT" what a lovely discovery! lol)

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The Letter [02 May 2003|09:45pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I woke up this morning and had the horrible unfortunate luck of finding a letter written to me by none other then "Abby". It was just lovely...actually I think I'll write the actual letter here, that way I will always remember just how much I hate abby, and exactly why!

To Whomever may have picked up this letter, please give it to Tara Winegarden, and do not continue reading, for it is only common courtisy to not read others mail.

Dear Tara,

I have no intentions of making this a friendly letter, quite on the contrary, I want to let you know a few things...something that may, shall we say, enlighten you. I have seen how you are rather obviously infatuated with Steve, which is, I am guessing, why you suddenly decided to attack me. But see dear, it is pointless. You may be stuck on him, but the cold fact is that he doesn't have any feelings for you. I am amazing myself at how calmly I am putting this, but really, I know alot about him now, and the stupid git is still stuck on Hazel. It does seem we have one thing in coomon, the need to take her out of the picture.
Now do NOT think for one tiny second that I am about to let you off for what you did to me, hitting someone in the face when their nose is still freshly broken is far from kind. I will deal with this at a later time, I want you to think about that though...I want you to wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from having dreams about me standing over your bed with a knife. Keep that mental imagine, for it may be reality all to soon. But for now, I need your help. Well I don't really need it, it would just make my job a hell of alot easier if you would be so kind as to comply.
Seeing as Hazel stands in my way still, she is clinging to Harry as if she he were oxygen, it is sickening, and leaves me little time to try to get him alone. Now what I need your help with is some informtaion. Meet me at the lake, tomorrow at 5 pm, he sharp, if you are not there on time, I will call this whole meeting off, and I may...decide to take that punishment for you...not only out on you...but perhaps some of your other friends...say Steve? I'm sure he is so weak he could easily be subdued...so I strongly advice you to be a sport and play along.
-Abby Blackstone

That was the letter...horrible eh? Yes, I think so and if she thinks that I am going to comply to her will for even one second, she has another thing coming! Seriouly, who the HELL does she think she is! Sure...7th year, I got it, but she isn't "god" which is what she acts like! She almost killed Steve...I still haven't talked to him, and really..I'm scared to. I missed him so much and I was so...so...horror stricken when I found out he slipped into a coma that I could hardly breathe. But thast what it is always liek with him...I can hardly breathe...oh well seems thats the story of my life "girl loves boy who will never love her back"no sence in dwelling on it I suppose.
So tahst the sad story of today...I desperately NEED to find Hazel or harry...if I could get them out of the bedroom long enough for a talk maybe I could tell them just how cracked abby is. Anyways unilt later
-Tara

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