My journal has been set to friends only and i'm not updating this one anymore...probably start a new one, so leave a comment if you want the name of it or to be added as a friend on this one.
Yeah, I just realized that I'm almost 20 years old. It's crazy. I can't be that old. In only 3 more years i'm going to be completely out on my own with a real job. Will I be married? engaged? have a boyfriend? it's so stressful trying to imagine. What do I really want? Do I want to get married? I'm not even sure. But the thing is (especially at my school), do I even want to get into a relationship? I mean basically at this point in my life you have to carefully look at relationships and decide if its possibly for forever. This isn't a jr high boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It has to be for real. You dont know for sure that it'll be over in a few weeks and then you can move to the next boy. How do you even handle that sort of thing? It's like my mind can't fathom something like that. I don't want to grow up. I want to just be friends with boys forever. Or have the right person just fall into my life one day and just KNOW. knowing is the hardest part. What should I do? I have to be incredibly careful because i've never had a boyfriend who actually treated me well. I don't know if I know how to react. I'm so used to being treated with extremes and not knowing what to expect and fearing the guy i'm with. it was either extreme lovingness and kindness or extreme hatred and cursing at me. What's it like to be in a healthy relationship? I dont want to be afraid of the guy i'm with anymore. relationships seriously scare the hell outta me.
My roommate is driving me absolutely insane right now. She is acting like sarah's roommate used to. Oh my God, I'm going to kill her. She's making me feel bad, because for the first time since i've been in college, i actually have friends to go out and do stuff with. i used to hang out with sarah, but basically i'd sit in the room. now i go out every night and i think she's jealous. i think i know why too. i mean she has other friends. she's never really hung out with me and sarah unless it was in the dorm or at a meal. i was fine with that. i usually hung out with sarah and she usually hung out with her surfer friends or whoever. but...
now, all of a sudden, she wants to spend EVERY FUCKING WAKING MOMENT WITH US!!! She likes this guy that we hang out with and she makes it so obvious. we all can tell. she wont tell us though and is acting like we're these evil friends who keep leaving her and not hanging out with her. even though she never has before!
the other night, we were playing cards with the guys (like we do almost every night) and she calls and wants to knwo where we are. she started calling me and sarah every half an hour lately to see where we are. we said we were playing cards. which was TRUE. well, she didnt ask where and i didnt say. well, of course she wanted to come because stephen was probably there, so she heads down to the cafe where we usually play. however, we were in the lobby of Ave. she got all mad because "we lied to her that we were playing cards". what the fuck? well, she ended up finding us and proceeded to make a fool of herself. she was acting all girly and giggly and completely different than she ever has before. i hate how she changes around different guys she likes. she was acting weird and it was so awkward while she was there. she always has to be the center of attention. when me and sarah hang out with the guys it's not weird because we dont fight over attention. we ALL talk together. with her, she has to have all the attention on her. it's so irritating. thats really why we dont want her hanging out with us. its not fun anymore. and because she's totally using us to get to stephen. oh then it gets really great:
she decided to pee in her pants to do something crazy to impress stephen. she came in announcing to everyone that she peed in her pants. what she doesnt realize is that no one thought it was funny. they actually thought it was really gross and that she's really weird now. that was really awkward too. see what i mean about the attention having to be on her? another thing she does is always try to bring up her weight and say she's fat to get attention. the thing is that she's fucking 100 lbs and a size 0. how fucking annoying is that when people who are the lowest size possible say that they're fat?
the other day she was on the phone with her friend from home and was saying how she peed her pants and it was so funny and she was hanging out with all these guy friends of her playing cards like she does all the time. um yeah. she was actually hanging out with me and sarah who were hanging out with the guys. and that was the first time that she ever played cards with us.
and another thing is she always says to me and sarah how she doesnt like jason..until we told her that he was best friends with stephen. so now she's all of a sudden great friends with jason.
yesterday at lunch she told nick that we "left her and went to the beach without telling her where we went or inviting her". she fucking knew exactly where the hell we were going. we told her last night. she could have went. she said she had homework. i even woke her up before we left and she told me to have a good time. so yeah, she knew exactly where the fuck we went. she had no right to tell everyone that we left her.
so last night, sarah and i went to play tennis with stephen and hang out in the cafe and lauren went to someones room to watch a movie. i thought that she had left the building and locked our door when i left. well, she didnt leave the building and i accidently locked her out. well of course since i'm out to get her, she thinks i did it on purpose and left this message on my phone telling me that shes really getting pissed off because i wont answer the phone when she calls. well first of all, if i did i'd never get anything done because she fucking calls every 15 minutes now. but i was in the cafe and the phone did not ring. so she had nick call me to tell me to unlock the door and for some reason it rang that time, so she thinks i was ignoring her. the one time i actually wasnt.
well i gotta go to orlando.
Sarah is driving me insane right now. she is in one of those "moods" where she is obviously upset about something but refuses to tell anyone or even acknowledge that she's upset. Its so fucking irritating. I mean if you're gonna deny it, then at least PRETEND that you're ok. she's obviously not. she's acting just like jeremy. she won't talk to me, lauren, or nick anymore, she lies to us, she always makes excuses to not go places with us anymore or decides at the very last minute that she doesnt want to go. she's being really flaky and i'm getting pissed.
Well, for anyone who actually cares (basically, no one) or who has been reading this thing for a while (again, no one) I finally told my ex to leave me alone. I'm really gonna try to stick with it this time and not call or see him. I really need to just move on. I told him nicely that I needed to move on from him and blah blah. He didnt' take it so well, but he understands that I don't want him in my life anymore. I just feel absolutely horrible for hurting him. I know he hurt me, and he really has no right to control what I do or say, but I think it's partially because I'm scared of him and scared of what he's capable of doing. I just hope I never run into him again. The last time I tried to stop contacting him, he found me. And I just about had a nervous breakdown. I'm not even kidding. I get chills thinking about how scared I was of him. It ended up him charming me back into being "friends" or whatever. But we can't just be friends. I realized that its not even him. It's me. Every time I'm near him, I just want to kiss him. Like last time I saw him last summer. i went to his house with him and he was actually respectible and told me I could wait for him to shower and stuff in the living room downstairs. But no, I was the one who decided to go upstairs with him and then proceed to lay all over his bed. Come on. That was totally my fault no matter what I want to believe. I completely initiated it. I can't let that shit keep happening though. I'm not either. I'm starting over. Next month, it will have been 3 years since we broke up! It's BEYOND time to start breaking away. He's not good for me. But I love him. And always will. But I'm serious about it this time. I just hope he doesnt find me.
Ok, as for some different news, this girl down the hall is still driving me fucking insane. she still invites herself places and still asks annoying questions all the time. my poor roommate had to drive her to walmart the other day after she completely "invited" lauren to take her.
valentines day can kiss my ass.
i have no fucking clue what i want to do with my life right now. it's so frustrating.
I'm just so fed up and stressed almost to the breaking point. I have tons of classes, work, and on top of it problems with people. One in particular. I have this guy "friend". I'm not really sure if we're friends anymore or not. He tells me that we're friends, but tells one of my best friends here at school that he thinks I'm "playing games with him to get his attention". That's such bullshit. Like I'm in 4th grade and play games to get boys attention. Come on. Even if i DID want his attention, that's not how i'd do it. It's so pathetic. I've just been trying to avoid him because its obvious that he doesnt want to be around me and i'm sick of him making shit up. if i talk to him, then he thinks that I "like" him, but if I dont talk to him, then i'm playing games with him. i wish he'd make up his fucking mind. I'm sick of HIS fucking games. I dont even want to be his damn friend anymore, I just want to know what the fuck is going on. He cant fucking tell me, he has to tell everyone else and then pretend that everything is cool with me. He does the same thing to my friend. he tells her that they're friends and shit and then tells me that he cant stand her. he's a pathological liar. this is not helping my stress level. i bet my blood is literally boiling. redheads DO have tempers.
I talked to Micah for a while today. It was really nice. I miss Micah. He's a really awesome guy. The only thing is that he's kinda like Shaun in the sense that he's SO intelligent, that they sorta make you feel stupid. I mean I know that I'm perfectly capable of having an intelligent conversation, but they just sorta make you nervous b/c they're so deep and smart. But Micah's cool. And speaking of him, I haven't talked to shaun in FOREVER. I wonder what he's up to? Chris F. actually IM'd me a few weeks back. That was really weird. I havent talked to him for a long long time. He's not much of a conversationalist thought, but I thought it was cool for him to say hi.
I finally got over my thing about not putting up my david bowie posters because they freaked out my roommate. we rearranged our desks and stuff so I have like a little cubby hole/corner thing and I put my posters up. I like it. I like my corner. I like having a corner.
I seriously think I'm becoming an insomniac. Its almost 4 in the morning and i'm seriously not even tired. it's so weird. i'll be exhausted all day long, then at night, i'm WIDE awake. I've even stopped having caffeinne later than afternoon. It's weird.
I fucking hate where I live when I'm home. I HAVE to get a good job this summer, but unfortunately I live in hell. I have no options of where to work. Seriously. You have NO clue. basically there are like 3 fast food places and thats IT. i live in like the worlds smallest town. i was arguing with my mom about it on the phone earlier and she just doesnt get it. i ended up hanging up on her i was so frustrated. i cant believe she didnt call me back. i dont like arguing with her when i'm this far away.
i'm just so stressed right now. I really need a break. I cannot wait til spring break. sarah (hopefully) and I are driving to north carolina to the beach house and meeting jesi and aj there. I'm so happy i get to see jesi. and we're gonna have so much fun. jesi and aj are gettin some alcohol and we're gonna actually act like we're in COLLEGE. I cant wait.
well, i should probably attempt to go to bed. does stress affect your sleep? or lack of sleep? maybe thats it.
For one, I'm the ONLY fucking person on this hall who hasnt been invited to this one girls damn wedding. I'm such a loser. It just pisses me off that they invite all my friends (including my roommate) and not me. I mean come on. I hate wedding anyway and probably wouldn't even go, but its just the fact of it.
Oh and this stupid girl who is roommates with my friend is fucking pissing me off. She keeps fucking inviting herself EVERYWHERE. It's so fucking annoying. I don't even like the girl. I can't fucking stand her. She just keeps inviting herself like I'm her personal driver. Like tonight she invited herself to go to walmart with me and my friend, but neglected to even fucking ask me about it. She invited herself along wiht someone that I invited. I'm the fucking one driving! she could at least fucking ask me. She's just getting on my last damn nerve and I do not want to take her anywhere. Oh and yesterday, I was gonna go shopping, and she invited herself of course with me and her roommmate. well, my friend told me that she didnt want to go anymore and wanted me to just take the annoying girl. she knows i cant fucking stand her. i was like no way in hell and i going with just her. so i just got up and left and went myself. i'm so mad about that. i dont know what i'm gonna do about tonight b/c i dont want the stupid girl going with us!!!
Okay, yes, i hate Petersburg, and WV in general, but I missed my friends and family. Wow. New Years eve was awesome. I finally got to do something bad after being stuck at school. I got totally trashed at Ben's house. It was awesome. I've never been that drunk before. I had 4 or 5 rum and cokes (well one was half rum and half ginger ale..i was too drunk to realize how much alcohol i had poured in and they were outta coke), like 5 jello shots, and a shot of some shit and i dont even know what it was...anyways, I had fun. There was only like 5 of us there and we watched the ball drop and stuff. I smoked like 2 packs of cigarettes too and got really sick from that because i've never had more than like 1 or 2 at a time...it was so nasty i'm never smokin again. i could taste them for 2 days after. oh and dont try to walk up or down stairs while drunk. it doesnt work well.
well yeah, that was my excitement over winter break. back to jail. i love my college, but geez. curfew?? i'm 19 frickin years old, and should be able to decide when i want to come in. yeah.
well gotta go, i have to get up early and its already 1:30 in the morning.
Okay, I was watching Wuthering Heights again last night (yeah yeah, i know, i need to stop watching that movie b/c it ALWAYS makes me feel bad) and i was thinking. I really worry that I'm gonna end up like that. I mean thats such a tough decision: decide between someone you truly love, even though he had a terrible childhood and doesn't know how to express love without being possessive and angry or someone who treats you really well, but that you don't love. I mean what if I find a guy that treats me good and loves me but i never feel the same way about him as i did about gavin? It wouldn't be fair to stay with the guy. but is it fair to myself to go back to the guy that treats me like crap sometimes? That's assuming i even find another guy. i just hope that doesnt happen to me. i hope i find another guy who treats me good AND i love him back. but i'm really scared of having to make that decision one day.
WELL...college is fun...except i want to go home for a little while. i'm schooled to death. i need a break.
I kinda feel like i'm missing out on the "real" college experience. I mean I love my college and I'm sort of glad that it has rules and stuff to where I can't get too out of hand and I feel safer, but sometimes I just want to do bad stuff like everyone else does in college. I've been through almost a whole semester of college without so much as one drink of alcohol or one party. I mean come on. It's COLLEGE. That's part of the experience. Not saying I have to get drunk and party every night. But you know. Just have a little bit of "bad" fun. The worst think I've done here is smoke a couple cigarettes, which really isnt that bad considering its totally legal and on top of that, pretty gross.
Oh and I'm thinking of making my journal friends-only. I mean I like getting comments from random people, but I honestly dont want anyone I know to read this stuff. So any comments on that idea? Like anyone even reads this. ha.
yeah yeah. I thought i'd gotten over him. obviously not. Its just that everytime i seem to forget about him, i suddenly miss him so bad. Like I see people that I think are him. It's just weird and confusing and I hate it. I just wish everything was simple and that I could just be with him. I just miss him so bad it hurts. Sometimes I just want to quit school and move up to be with him and just marry him and we could be together forever. I know it would never be that simple and happy though. I'm gradually accepting that more and more though. Which is good I guess. I gotta think of all the hurtful things he did to me and not just the good parts of our relationship. as much as i try to put him up as this loving guy, he did some pretty bad things to me and i can never fully forget how much he hurt me too.
yeah i'm stupid. someone needs to bash me over the head with a lead pipe.
Well, I have this newfound love for Jay and Silent Bob movies...mainly Clerks and Mallrats. Funniest movies i've ever seen. Fucking hilarious.
I just got back from Thanksgiving break. It was nice getting to see my mom and stuff again, but I'm really ready for Christmas break. I'm schooled to death right now. Just wanna go home.
Oh, I got a car on Friday. Spent fucking 8 hours in a Honda dealership and finally came out with a hunter green 97 Honda civic. It's cute, even though I was looking more for a Toyota or VW. But oh well, Honda's are good. I'm just glad I got a car.
Oh and Jeremy wrecked his car, so now he's carless. I took him to dinner tonight (don't worry, it was a non-date) because they dont serve dinner here on Sunday nights. We went to Popeye's and ate chicken. Oh and Sarah's roommate saw us leaving out the window and thought we were dating and stuff. People around here are so stupid. Everything has to be a big deal and has to be told to EVERYONE. You can't be friends with anyone. It drives me nuts. I DO NOT LIKE JEREMY. Geez. I can't even have a guy friend. I mean at home i'm good friends with jared and i dont even like him most of the time. so i dont have to even like you at all to be your friend. yeah. sorta.
okay gotta go, jesi's having ANOTHER crisis. yea. again.
Um...yeah. I take back the last entry. My friend and I went out for a little bit...smoked a few cigarettes...played pool in a bar...and talked. He did not go on a date with the slut. She asked him to drive her and her roommate to the movies. So he did. She just was talking like it was a date with just her to make Sarah upset. And sarah is currently bawling her eyes out on my bed because of the guy. They're fighting and even I'm not sure what about. I dont think they know either. I just dont want in the middle of it. I want to stay friends with both of them.
Okay well, I smell like a bar and/or an ashtray right now, so i'm gonna go to bed. Just wanted to take back the whole jerk/asshole thing. Sorry bout that.
Guys are total assholes. Even the ones that you think are different and they aren't. Yeah right. This guy that I thought I liked, but then didnt, but then was friends with, is now an asshole. I thought he was such a nice guy. My friend Sarah was really close friends with him and today at dinner he ignored her when she said hi and went and sat beside this girl who lives on our hall. This girl is a total slut. She thinks she's gorgeous (I dont even think she's that pretty, personally, she sorta looks like Cruella Deville with blonde hair) and she's got the worst personality ever. So its nothin to even like. He's going to the fucking movies with her AND to a movie that he promised my friend that they would go see together. I mean, he can fucking date whoever he wants, but he doesnt have to be an asshole and forget that he has (or had) friends. He really hurt my friend plus I'm just totally in disbelief that he could be so superficial and shallow after all that shit he spews out about dating and girls like he's an expert. He's like them all:
Girls: NO matter what a guy tells you, they'll ALWAYS pick the dirty whore over the nice girl.
The stupid people at this college are insane. Every fucking person here wants to get married RIGHT NOW. It's so goddamn annoying. You can't be friends with someone because you might want to marry them or they might want to marry you. People start judging on whether or not they want to marry a person before they even fucking meet them! And with there only being 1 boy for every 5 girls here, that causes a LOT of fights and stupid high school drama shit. What the fuck do I have to do? Wear a goddman sign that says "I JUST WANT A FRIEND"? Seriously now. This is bullshit. Since when did college become a place to find a husband instead of a place to get an education? If i just wanted a husband I'd try somewhere a little less expensive.
So Jeremy and I had a really, um..deep i guess is a good word, conversation last night. I haven't had someone to just freely talk to like that for a long time. It felt really good, even though i felt bad for pouring all that shit from my past on him. He's a really great friend and it's nice to have someone I can talk to.
Well, Lauren's going home this weekend and my grandma is coming down to visit, so hopefully I can get to Orlando to stay the weekend with her.
I'm way to lazy right now to even attempt homework.
Okay, so yesterday was a blast. The night before sucked, but hey. Anyways, I went with Sarah and Jeremy to do this campaign thing where we go door to door and tell people to vote and get paid a lot of money to do it. So we drove around and got lost and stuff. We ate like 4 times during our 8 hour shift and took a break at a huge music store. I tried to play the drums. It was horribly bad. I really wish I could play though. Jeremy was trying to show me. It sounded horrible.
I figured out why I have this journal and depend on it so much. I can't talk about my feelings. I suck at stuff like that. So I write it all down. This is the real me, inside I guess. Weird.
Fuck you. Fuck you for making me feel like this. Fuck you for making me feel guilty for your mistakes. Fuck you for being an asshole. fuck you for making me have to HIDE from you just to get on with my life. Fuck you for not letting go. Fuck you for everything you've ever did to me. fuck you for making me love you. fuck you for your abuse.
I don't know what to do or think anymore.
I had a weird weekend. My roommate accidently OD'd on pills, one of my other friends got kicked out of college, and my legs itch like hell. Yeah. I went camping. Stupid idiot me. I had to sleep in the back of an SUV with two of my friends. It was absolute hell. I have so many bugbites, I look like I have chickenpox. It is absolutely repulsive looking. We did not sleep at all. The three of us had to spoon with each other just to fit in the car.
However, the day before the night of hell was pretty fun. We went to the beach, we went back to the beach and played guitar and sang, then we smoked a lot of cigars. Yeah, it was funny. I've never smoked cigars before. And we made smores. Except without roasting the marshmallow because we couldnt get a fire going.
Oh and another weird thing...I think I like this guy. And one of his close friends thinks that he likes me. But I don't want to get my hopes up if nothing happens. I hate that. But then if i do nothing, then nothing will probably happen. Why do the guys that actually are forward about liking me always guys that I don't like back?? It's so annoying.
Well, it's like 2:30 am and I have class tomorrow.
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