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Jun. 26, 2003: 10:11pm
I'm alive, I'm alive. And now I've found out that everyone is moving.

I always stick with the crowd, so you know; bam. It's been fun while it lasted.
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Jun. 20, 2003: 10:58am
I feel... impassible.
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Jun. 14, 2003: 05:59pm
mood satisfied
music Now It's Overhead - A Skeleton On Display.

Today has been interesting, relieving, and amazing.
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Jun. 13, 2003: 04:28pm
mood guilty
music Boy Sets Fire - Drunken Third.

Why is it, my promises always seem to be broken? They disappear before I even begin to work on them. I promise this, I promise that. Un-spoken, un-touched lies I pile up in the center of my room. I stare at for hours wonderful what the hell to do with them now?

I want someone to answer these questions for me, I want her to know the answers, and promise me I’ll change. I want her to know all this, and more, but I can’t bring myself to say a bit about it.

This girl, she’s the one un-touched, un-spoken. A mystery. I wish she was standing in the center of my room, like a jewelry piece, or even a master piece. I would watch her for hours, my promises wouldn’t need mending anymore. There would be no more promises.
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Jun. 3, 2003: 03:19pm
mood curious
music Blood Brothers - Ambulance.

So, today’s my birthday. Twenty years old, Ha. 20. Twenty, twenty. Another candle added to the birthday cake. Another year closer till I’m looked down upon and buried underneath ground.

What a marvelous day.
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May. 30, 2003: 06:09pm
mood irritated
music The Faint - Syntax Lies.

Nicotine is all I need.
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May. 26, 2003: 12:28pm
mood restless
music The Good Life- Tell Shipwreck Im Sorry.

I didn't sleep in my own bed last night. After a while of doing the same old thing you start to recognize the endless pattern you've gotten yourself into. I slept in the small patch of grass outside my bedroom window, expiring the night. From the increase of humiliation and cigarette smoke that surrounded me, I waited for sleep, I could see the chill in the air and the fireflies working throughout the night.

Yesterday came and went and I wasn't present. The weeks were laid out like pavement work; and drink and sleep repeat. Aimlessly I wait for nothing other, but I wonder what became of all of this.

A few weeks ago I would be found stuck in the alleyways, of the slum drunken town, hopelessly waiting for anything of a bit of interested to rescue me. I'm needing to be rescued now. I'm stranded on myself. And I can't escape from this island I've made. I'm afraid I never will.

Quite possibly, I might be hoping for to much, to soon. I get to carried away with the outside, I can’t succeed to finish the beginning. I’ll try to describe all of this, but maybe another time. In my mind, every virtue that could adorn it was centered. A sensibility too, tremblingly alive to every affliction of my friends, my acquaintance, and particularly to every affliction of my own, was my only fault, if a fault it could be called.
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May. 24, 2003: 11:20pm
mood curious
music Death Cab For Cutie - Company Call.

I walked the streets; hung out in the courtyard alone, staring at nothing but the birds that passed by, and the masses of people raving on nothing other than the prom. I said a bit about it before, but I truly don’t understand the concept of it all. You go there, dance around, get a little bit drunk, and then basically, get screwed over by your date. Great, great fun.

As I spent most of my evening hidden beneath the trees, I vaguely stumbled myself into the pleasure of meeting Parker, herself. We talked a bit, then stopped into a small café that I’ve been hiding in the last couple of days, nights. Whenever. We talked about music, and everything of that sort, guitar, drums. Whatever, whichever. It’s nice to know that at least one person isn’t as dull minded as I once thought, when I first begun.

Anyway - after that I retreated myself back to my dorm, and sat in front of my television, watching old films about nothing other than love. A great night to have become fond of all of that. I played my guitar for a few, cleaned up my room a bit. But later on, I found myself back in the park; sitting in the down pour of rain that just begun.

I’m not really sure what I’ll do for the rest of the night; I’m not really sure if I’ll last the rest of the night. But whichever happens, I’m sure something interesting should happen. It always does.
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May. 24, 2003: 03:23pm
mood uncomfortable

I’ve only yet become new to this high school; and I’m already sick of the all the conversations about prom and everything of that sort.

Maybe it’s just me, depending on nothing at all to compose a hated for today, who knows really. But I really am sick of all this nonsense. And yet, it’s only my first day.
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May. 22, 2003: 05:29pm
mood anxious
music Thrice - The Next Day.

So let’s see if I can put aside all my insecurities, all my faults, my inanition. And maybe put together a decent summary about myself that most people won’t even spend five minutes from their precious lives reading.

Names Tar. I’m eighteen, the golden year. I’ve lived in the same house through-out my life; My parents, both musicians, seem to have sprung their ambitions, talent and passion upon myself. I guess you can say I’m one of those kids hoping to be noticed, but just don’t seem to have the strength to make it big. I’m lost in my own world most of the time; that blurry, eerie curtained pulled upon my surroundings. I’m not your average boy. Most people call me the asshole, or the a sarcastic prink, a freak, or a number of other things, but really, I’m not even sure what I am anymore. I have over 100 notebooks, with feelings scribbled all over the pages; I guess it’s sort of a collection; a storybook, about every awkward and/or amazing moment that’s happen in my life since I’ve been able to compose a decent sentence.

A lot of things seem to be holding me back. I don’t think I can ever put that all aside and actually begin to live. So, as I see it, I can drown myself in my music; hide myself from the world, and everything will be alright as long as I get pasted this burning feeling inside my chest that won’t stop beating, and these voices in my head quit their screaming. But we won’t get into that; I wouldn’t want to waste anyone’s time with my overwhelming confessions hidden behind these walls.

Nothing hurts like nothing at all.
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