Blurty for quiEtLy lOsing cOntrOL. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website (My Website). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Tuesday, October 19th, 2004

Subject: i am flawed...but i am cleaning up so well...(only not) Time: 9:45 am. Mood: angry. Music: dashboard :: vindicated.

a push, a shove, a slight twist of the arm. "peer pressure, i'm far too sensitive" that can't always be the case. i can make my own choices. they may not always be the right ones. they may never be the right ones. in fact, they won't ever be the right ones. and they will always have consequences that i don't really care for. but i'll go back to you. and you. and maybe, once in a while, you. just for the feelings. those warm fuzzy feelings. just for the feelings. for the rush. for the fun. for the high. for the happiness. yet it can only last so long. then i begin my waiting. waiting for the landslide. waiting for the crash it's gonna be a big one this time. i posted that on my deadjournal. probably not a good idea. i might have to delete it. i am so angry at myself. last night was a monday night. and i drank. then smoked. i hate myself. like, really, i do. this college thing is giving me waaay to much freedom. i need to like buckle down and realize my future is kinda-maybe-sorta, i duno, DEPENDING on this. i can't fuck around. and i'm trying so hard not too. but i suck and i can never make the right choice. ahhhhhh. i still havent crashed yet. i am waiting for it. it's going to be massive. i've had 3, almost 4, weeks of happiness. and not all of it was under the influence. but now that im starting up again, it seems i need it to make me happy. i need to draw the line right here and stop. no more wednesday night drinking, no more monday night smoking. i dont even think thirsty thursday is a good idea. friday and saturday will be the only day i'll allow myself to moderatley let loose. this won't last. i wont stick to it. i can't. but maybe ill try. maybe ill begin to focus on why i came here. to be a teacher. x

[nothing happened]

Subject: you lost your grip and I slipped right through your fingers. Time: 3:38 pm. Mood: drained. Music: Cauterize :: Killing Me.

blah blah blah. i have cramps. =( i just want to lay around and do nothing. i was 15 minutes late to my first class today because my alarm didnt go off. i think it had something to do with marguerite texting my phone at 3am. anyway, i woke up at 8:01. my class starts at 8. it sucked. i like power walked there, and we were just writing our papers. i didnt want to skip it though. i now vow never to be late to that class again. or any class. ahhh. i have to plug my real alarm clock in now. it's just been one of those days. i want to curl up in my bed and sleep but i feel so anti-social. its thirsty thursday. i dont know if maggie julie and sam are going to the frat tonite and if ill be invited. i dont know if i even want to go. ahhh. damn my womanly problems. i have a problem giving up on people. i called devin last night. his phone was off so i left a message. he wont call back, this i know. i just wanted to see how he was though. hopefully he hasn't fallen off the wagon! then i talked to ant online. he might come up and visit me. allie probably will not let him, but oh well. then i talked to dan. he gave me his cell phone number. i shouldnt have put it in my phone. i dont want to call him intoxicated and say things i dont mean. IM TOO SAD FOR HIM ANYWAY. ha. ahhh. i have a lot of reading to do. i have to get my act together like right this second. I NEED As THIS SEMESTER. holy crap. i hate school work!!! meh. x

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Subject: you're so beautiful...did you hear a word i said? Time: 6:30 pm. Mood: content. Music: matchbook romance.

well a lot has been going on around here, let me tell you. ha. i started my first semester at west chester. i've been here for about 2 weeks. i went home last weekend to beach it with hutch. my last beach day of the year. anyway, back to wCu. i like it here. i like it a lot. i like college. i mean, the courses are hard, most of my professors are tough, and i have TONS of reading to do, but i'm on my own in a new place with new people. at first, i was incredibly lonely. never homesick though. just lonely. but now that i've met a few people and gone out a few times, i'm really beginning to enjoy myself. of course i miss my friends. namely lyss and jimmy. but i'm learning to deal. i pretty much talk to them every day online so it's all good. i feel like we've all been gone for a really long time, and we havent. it also still doesnt feel like this is college. but whatever. im happy. i just thought i'd let you all know that. :) i got out of my class early. i think im going to go make some easy mac. :) x

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Time: 5:10 pm. Mood: anxious. Music: yeah yeah yeahs .... black tongue.

wow. very long time, no write. i've been up to no good, as usual. went to warped tour. rock on, right? saw john mayer and maroon5. that was right up there with GREATEST CONCERT EVER. leaving for school on thursday. holyfuckingshit. oh well. maybe ill start writing in this thing at another time.

[1 hoped for the best |nothing happened]

Subject: i'm trying to get this right...yeah, cause i'm ridiculous like that. Time: 8:26 pm. Mood: mellow. Music: matchbook romance . the greatest fall of all time.

howdy. i never update this thing. nobody reads it anyway. it's more for my angry vents. i'm not angry today though. i'm just blah. college in a month. holy moley. i was just saying hi on this thing. i'll write some more later. i promise. matchbook romance is pretty nifty. it's all i've been listening to lately. devin is no longer my fuck buddy. =( we haven't even kissed in a really long time. i met him like a month ago and already we fizzled out. oops. i gave in too soon. but oh well. it was an experience. i miss ant. i don't know why. yagermeister (however the fuck you spell it) fucks me up really fast. jimmy and i had a colin/xtina night and it rocked. i was so gone after 2 shots! it was raaad. i love him so much. i really don't know what i'm going to do without him. or alyssa. or katie. even though we haven't really talked in a week. meeep. work is okay. i guess. it's money. one liners. yaaaay. i love adam lazzara and i am going to have his babies. even though i don't want to have babies. ever. eh. tomorrow i'm hanging out with bec! she's crazy. lyss and i saw her in target. lyss and her are somewhat alike and she also has some hutch (the tall/skinny part) thrown in there too. hahaha. im excited to have an adventrue with her trying to get to marguerite's party. wooo. oh well. i wrote more than i thought i would. *

[nothing happened]

Subject: nOw i'm lying on the table with everything you said... Time: 12:14 pm. Mood: dirty. Music: taking back sunday::this photograph is proof(i kno you know).

well hello. i graduated. with honors. ohh baby. i am now the real world's for the taking. so take me, real world, and use me. graduation night was kinda beat. i shoulda stayed at jimmys party. but instead, katie, alyssa and devin came here and it was drama filled, as always. who is this devin i speak of, you ask? my new friend. my friend i get frisky with. =) he's actually in california for 2 weeks, probably getting loads of action while i'm stuck here in new jersey, horny and in need of a good make out session. blah. i don't know what we'll become. i just met him. but we hung out like everyday from the time we met til he left. crazyness. blah. i am a lush. and i'm okay with it, i guess. i wont lie. i like alcohol. i like boys. i like to have fun, without being sad. some say i'm only filling the void with dirty deeds and alcoholic beverages and cigarette smoke. and those some are indeed correct. but it's my void and i'll fill it however i damn well please. i am white trash! =) not really. at least i hope not. ahhh! oh well. *

[nothing happened]

Time: 8:08 pm. Mood: contemplative. Music: third eye blind :: motorcycle driveby.

i hope you take a piece of me with you -third eye blind tomorrow is graduation. i am graduating high school tomorrow. 13 years of school ends tomorrow. a new chapter of my life begins after tomorrow. maybe if i think of 397 more ways to say it, i'll begin to grasp the fact that i am, indeed, growing up, and with growing up comes change, the thing i hate the most. i don't want to lose the friendships i have forged along this bumpy road of high school. few will stay in my hearts as i move on with my life, and that makes me sad. i wish i could bottle up all the good times i have had with various people, and wear it like a perfume on the days i'm feeling down. or i wish i could take pictures of everything, and make a flip book of the fun times as well as the sad times. i am almost an adult. i am almost in college. holy crap. i am scared shitless. =)

[nothing happened]

Subject: words of advice... Time: 11:35 am. Mood: contemplative. Music: ataris :: 8 of 9.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99 If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra quation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen… -Baz Lurhman I enjoy that song. i want to try to make up my own version for my graduation in 10 days! holy crap holy crap. high school is over! i'm moving on up in the world, scared shitless. someone help me! =)

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Subject: you live. you learn. you grow. Time: 5:56 pm. Mood: hopeful. Music: yellowcard:: back home.

so for the past couple of hours months, ive been dwelling on the past. ive decided i need to get over all of that nonsense. nothing can just fall back into the way it used to be. which hurts and sucks, but life is all about hurting and sucking. i figured, i'm on my way to being a new person. i got my hair cut and dyed. i'm a whole new me. not. i wish i could just turn around, go balls out, and be fucking crazy and just party up and live it up. i've got 5ish months left in this joint and its high time to make memories. memories that will be sooo wonderful, i'll carry them with me to next year, so i won't be as sad to say goodbye to all that's here. i hate change. and next year involves a whole fucking lot of it. i'm going to be living over an hour away from home. ah. scary thought. no friends nearby. no car (unless i can work something out...). its gonna suck and im probably going to cry a lot. but i need to get through it to show i am an awesome person and i can kick ass when i want. why am i so damn positive all of the sudden? xx

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Subject: oh why can't i be what you need... Time: 9:44 pm. Mood: crushed. Music: taking back sunday :: you know how i do.

i want to delete my memory. i want to delete everyone from my life. that sounds so mean. but i don't really think i'm going to make it through next year. i am going to be so alone. yaay. except not. i want to start losing my friends now. operation:push people away starts right now. it's a pussy's way out. but it's the only way out for me. i hate change motherfucker. i hate it. *screams* i'm such a LOSER. i'm just like the people who irk me. i'm whiney, needy, lonely and jealous. i'm so fucking ahhhh. i make myself so angry. die bitch die. i texted mike again. i suck. he texted me back though. we may be going to nyc to go to jeckly and hydes in a couple of weeks. yeah right. let me hold my breath. *turns blue* this entry is all about me. and how much i hate myself. yaay for postive-ness. this is why i have NO FRIENDS. :)

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Subject: i need the smell of summer... Time: 10:57 pm. Mood: exhausted. Music: taking back sunday.

i'm a total beach girl.sand in the crOtch, mussed hair, broken flip flops-the whole nine yards. i need the beach. ive been daydreaming about it since the beginning of time. and the beginning of school. i shouldve applied to monmouth. fuck. if i was sad, i couldve walked to the beach and jumped in the ocean; my petty little problems pulling me down to swim with the fishies, in a non-sopranos way. i would love to just dive into the ocean and become a part of it. going to visit west chester tomorrow with my mommmy. i hope i hate it. itll give me something to complain about. im only complaining to keep myself busy

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Blurty for quiEtLy lOsing cOntrOL. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website (My Website). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.