Below are 10 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Lindsey's Blurty:

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Saturday, September 13th, 2003
2:29 am	well i didn't go out tonight for once...i didn't go to eatnpark for the simple fact that i dunno...it has something to do with jesse but im not sure what it is yet...hes i dunno special....just special....and he makes me feel i dunno not worthy and he doesn't do it on purpose acutally i do believe but he does...and i just didn't feel like dealing with it...and dan...let me just update you on my feelings on the whole dan situation...i miss him...i miss the old him the friend that i had and lost and i just want to call him up and talk to him but u know what if he wanted to talk to me he would call me and i just want him to call me to talk to me even if for 5 mins because i miss him...i miss him like i missed bitner and it took me over a year to finally get over the break off of our friendship and that was really hard for me...the people i care about the most just seem to hurt me the most except for katie...i love katie...i love her so much...and i love cass shes my girl those 2 girls make life great for me...and so does my eatnpark crew...they make my life better except right now im wearing my ring that matches katie and well jesses ring before he gave it julia i don't know what else to say Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Sublime- Lets Go Get Stoned (Comment on this)
Friday, September 12th, 2003
5:24 am	i already live my life in fear...my whole life is nothing but constant fear...im scared to live scared to die...its a no win situation...i've always been like that my whole life but since my car accident and matts accident its been so much worse that anything can set me off into shear panic...movies...thoughts...songs...dreams...hallucnations...or just the fear that i am hallucanating...i have no clue if i am or not because im so scared that some day i will end up like that in the loony bin...or maybe thats what would be best for someone like me...scared to think scared to be alone scared to be in a huge group of people scared to get too attached to people scared that i'd be missing out if i don't scared just plain terrifyed and i don't want to be like this any longer i just can't handle it...i've been out of counseling for only 3 months and before i left and finished it i thought i was ready i could handle things as they came and now i know that i can't that i can't even handle my own thoughts without going into a state of horrofying panic...im trying to explain myself for others to understand what goes on in my head that its not as funny as people think it is...yea laugh it up guys its so fucking funny how would u like one day ur completely normal just like everyone one else then the next thing you know ur scared of everything including your thoughts the things that should keep you going keep you strong keep you stable and they are the things that make you unstable...scared that todays the day your going to go even though you know everyones going to die someday someday you will die but for some reason your so obsessed with it and it consums you....you have the same thoughts at the same time everyday and everyday you get the same reaction and even if you don't have the same thoughts everyday everything goes back to the main thing that worries you...not just death that scares you ...illness...fake friends...um getting struck by lightning...being alone in the world...take your fears and double it maybe triple it and thats what it feels like...i may have been semi like this my whole life or had these feelings but let me tell you it was nothing compaired to this...and i don't find my situation very fucking funny...walk a day in my shoes...watching your back every step you take ...if your driving and u hit a bump thinking taht its a baby or a person and that you just killed someone if im alone i will go around and check and if i hit it again i'll go around and check again but if i have people in the car with me i can just keep asking them repeatedly if i hit something what it was if they were sure it wasn't a person being stuck in my head obessesing over everything until i have it right ...just keep thinking and thinking my escape is eatnpark...for some reason most of the time that place is the only place i feel safe and i don't worry once in a while i do but for the most place its all good....its also like at work...i don't have time to worry about such things i just work and talk to cass thats about it well i went to eatnpark...jesse was there cute as usual...i miss him...the happy him...hes in a funk or something...mickey was fun though....I JUST CACKLED hehe that was funny...mark eatnpark mark...i bet hes now scared...which he should be...paul was annoying as usual...jon was strange...and yea thats bout it...i must go to sleep now Current Mood: scared Current Music: elvis-roustabout (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003
2:08 am	first day of school tonight i went to eatnpark with katie and it was cool i've missed my katie lee my katie bear shes my girl! but anyways jesse, josh, paul, mickey, kristy, and jeremy were there and leeanne was working so it was fun...but jesse poured rasberry icetea w/o ice on me because i slap jack willy or something like that some bill clinton thingie... with beans in it we've been spending a lot of time together lately...and its great but the more time i spend with him the more i just want to kiss him hehe and just be with him because he is really a great guy yeah he has some down falls thank god because i do know hes not "perfect" which makes him more attractive than ever...because when girls have crushes they think that the guys are perfect and all that and then it is just a big let down...but thank god im not stupid or blind...because then its not a crush its something more real than a crush...and im not even sure if i don't know...and i miss justin terribly y did he havta go to college :o( hes so f'in cute paul let me tell you i can't take him any longer i feel like im going to kill him one of these days just because hes fucking annoying as hell! i can't handle it any longer!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: groggy Current Music: hilary duff- so yesterday (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
3:29 am	I really like jesse i really do...hes such a great person and i don't know where i'd be with out him in my life at the current moment...same for justin...hes great those 2 together bring so much happiness to my life...its so great i never expected to have such wonderful friends...speaking of wonderful friends same goes with katie abbie and melissa there the greatest so are cassie and melissa s. its so great to have such wonderful friends weither im depressed or not when they are around i feel so much better so much more calm cool and relaxed...i know that jesse doesn't feel the same as me about him but i feel like that could change on friday or saturday we're supposed to go see a movie together which would kick so much ass!!! we're supposed to see freddy vs. jason which i don't know might be scary but at least jesse will be there so i can feel calm...i accidently burnt jesse tonight...i didn't mean to :o( but mickey burnt me so i would feel better and it blistered hehe and then i was trying to keep jesse and mickey in eatnpark and i put my arm and the door and jesse tryed to kick it open yea my arm hurts....but thats ok yea and this weekend me jesse abbie are going to party...drink a alot yippie Current Mood: okay Current Music: so yesterday- hilary duff (Comment on this)
Friday, August 15th, 2003
2:29 am	jesse? justin? i got a car today im pretty stoked about that but yet jesse....acting weird we usta be so cool until i that message that we left for him about me wanting to fuck him...well yea ever since then he has been acting weird...i don't know like he treats katie the same but me...i dunno everytime i talk to him he gets grumpy and then hes all im tired and sick and its like no shit so am i but 2 seconds ago u were just being all cool with katie...i don't know what i did wrong its not like i left the message so what the fuck...im not blaming katie or anything im not saying that at all im saying we were fucking smashed out of our minds hello cut me some slack i get horny when im drunk duh! but whatever im acutally starting to like justin a lot though however thats jesses bestfriend yea this girl has problems...i can't help it hes so nice and cute and cuddly just like a little teddy bear and he doesn't treat me oddly...oh yea so about this car dan has the same kind of car and the same year so now i feel like a total retard...write more later Current Mood: blah Current Music: hilary duff- why not? (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 14th, 2003
1:42 am	Today we went to eatnpark as usual and well jesses acting weird i have this feeling he likes katie i don't know what makes me think this but i watch him and its just i dunno....call me crazy if you want...and i gave him a letter yesterday expressing my feelings about him and he didn't even mention it once...not once...what is that about? and then i find out that sarah hates me and i don't even know why i go out of my way to be nice and she hates me...its absolutly insane! i try so hard and i know not everyone is going to like you and i know that alot of people don't like me but still when there is no reason not to like someone its like what the fuck?!?!?! i don't know i have no fucking clue and well i got a car today an 88 honda accord...its gray and well shes my baby i'm picking it up soon :o) Jesse doesn't like Good Charolette how can you not???? i mean they are so kick ass but niether does justin and where the hell has just been lately? i miss him hehe its only been 2 days but he kicks so much ass its not even funny i'm so glad i met those 2 they make life so much more exciting...and i saw poopy today...my crotch....my kristy :o) Friday me and the doo are going to go to meatheads again and drink so this weekend should be fun...i think im spending time with katie and im spending time with mel my wife my melanie...my pants are green i am so confused right now and i dont' even know why im so confused i have nothing to be confused about well this is the update on dan...im done i saw him the other day and he treats me like shit and i have no idea why i go out of my way to make sure hes happy or try to make him happy i would do everything in my power to do what he needed or wanted i tried so hard to be the best friend i could be to him and well look how he treats me he makes me upset and makes me cry...its not fair he says all these things to me and its just like i tried so hard to be nothing but the bestfriend that u needed at the time because he was going though some big shit and i don't know i don't know what i did to deserve this from him i mean if he had a problem with me why not just fucking tell me??? is it that hard??? let me see whats going on in my life thats good ....well hell yea the best thing im getting my car tomorrow!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: confused Current Music: Good Charolette - Wondering (Comment on this)
1:38 am	old entries from diaryland 2071-07-10 5:32 a.m. quizzes Well for starters my name is Lindsey I'm an 18 year old girl that is so confused in her boring little life. Its so sad that im going to take some quizzes very fucked. what fucked version of hello kittie are you? brought to you by Quizilla I am 50% Goth Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself. Take the Goth Test at fuali.com You're a perky goth! You have a more positive outlook on life, and are not afraid to use ::gasp:: colors. Yay! Are you a goth? brought to you by Quizilla Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You? How dumb are you? What Pattern Are You? Take the Affliction Test Today! Find Your Warped Personality this quiz was made by mysti Which Evil Criminal are You? Which "Natural Wonder" are you? I will be stung by a swarm of killer bees How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test Which tarot card are you?I am 68% Raver I may not be freaky like those Candy Kids, but I do know how to party. I am well connected in the scene, but may be getting a little tired of it. Take the Raver Test at fuali.com 2003-07-0 12:48 a.m. good vs. evil danny well let me get started by saying that i am not a slut...and next thing is to all of u that hate danny im sorrie but i don't i know him for who he is or maybe i think i do because thats just really who i want him to be well whatever it is....i know him and i know he would never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally...he doesn't have it in him...at least i dont think....god this is so confusing...everyones telling me all these different things about how hes just using me and he doesn't care about me and all this other shit but when i talk to him i just don't get that vibe from him because i believe everything he says maybe im just nieve or however u fucking spell it i dont know its just i know that the truth hurts but all my life i've always believe its best to think with your heart instead of your head and well my heart and my brain are telling me 2 different things...my brain is telling me that maybe i should just listen to everyone else that hes "evil" or whatever it is that they say but my heart tells me that hes still the same danny that i met in 9th grade that same cute sweet innocent kid that i grew to love and that for some reason i would let myself believe that he could somehow change esp. overnight or ever since the fucking 2 fast 2 furious movie came out i mean seriously thats when jr. stepped into the picture and as soon as jr. stepped into the picture all hell broke loose. He changed he was no longer the sweet innocent guy that i loved he was this mean kid with a really bad attitude about things...yet i still love him and care for him because its an unconditional love no matter what he will hold the same place in my heart...same with bitner...i still love him as much as ever and thinking of that i saw him today...when i was on my way to work from bakers house...it was interesting but i dont' think he saw me ofcourse he wouldnt because im acutally flipping him off....wow it feels so much better to clear some of my mind from this shit...talk to yall lataz peace 2003-07-01 11:46 a.m. adam and mike well my family just left to go back to dallas texas...you know ever since i can remember me and my cousin adam who is only 6 months older than me have been close...and last time he came to visit i don't know why but i just couldn't stand him and i didn't even think about missing him this time and bout maybe spending more time with him and shit but now that hes been here for a week and i've had the time to chill with him we were as close as ever it was like we were never apart just like it was every other time and i miss him like crazy...the only reason why we usta be close is because they usta live here and then they moved to fort worth and then he moved to dallas which in reality is like a part of it i dunno he tried to explain it however this is the first time in history that me and my favorite aunt in the whole world didn't even talk really or go out or do anything...she was upset because she didn't get to spend much time with adam and well we were joined at the hip or whatever and well thats how its always been though. Hes going to the army soon and then hes going to come back he truely is one of the coolest people i've ever met but of course he would be since hes related to me haha well...in other news my brother is a nut he is way over protective of me...like its insane...before hes never gave a damn about me but he did i dunno how to explain....when i was born it was exactly a week after his 8th birthday so he was upset that we had to share birthday parties....he was the first grandchild and i was the second so he went 8 years of being the only child and only grandchild and then i had to go and screw everything up for him and to everyone around him but me and my mom he hated me i ruined his life blah blah blah but secretly he loved me and was always protecting me and keeping me away from all the "bad things" if his friends said something bad about me when i was little he would beat them up because well mike hes violent...but at the same time he would beat me up in front of his friends...he was just the strangest and hardest thing to understand while growing up i mean he has a.d.d. really badly, he also has bipolar disorder but now that hes older (hes 26) and we are pretty much on the same wavelength not sure how but yeah we are...he watches over me and has to check out all the guys i date and he has to approve of them and yea hes just weird well the wife (his wife) and yea im going to go talk and chill for a bit i'll write back later 2003-07-01 12:11 p.m. quizzes again Feng Shui Quiz: Invite Harmony into Your Home You scored 50% Stagnant Ch'i Whether you believe it or not, by simply blocking the path to your front door, you could be blocking the flow of good fortune into your life! Perhaps you don't really take into consideration the decor or arrangement of your home. You may want to contact a Feng Shui expert for a professional consultation or check out a book on the principles of Feng Shui from the library. If you're too busy, stressed-out or feel that redecorating through Feng Shui would put too much of a strain on your pocket book, know that taking just a few simple steps toward harmonizing your surroundings could make all the difference to your luck -- and your mood! Read our quick tips below for ways to get started! You scored 30% Partially-blocked Ch'i You scored 20% Positive Ch'i Your Dream Wedding Quiz -- What's Your Bridal Style? You scored 61.5% Fun-loving Fire In your mind, your wedding day is the one time that you can be truly self-indulgent without feeling guilty -- after all, the whole day is really about you! As someone who most likely has some Fire Signs in her chart (Aries, Leo and Sagittarius), you crave attention and excitement, so it's perfectly natural that you fantasize about the "oohs" and "ahhs" that your guests will utter as you glide down the aisle, looking the most gorgeous and happy that you've ever looked. However, you are just as focused on making sure that everyone has a great time, as well. Your generous nature inspires you to go the extra mile for your guests, whether it's making sure there's a vegan meal for your cousin or bringing some small trinkets to amuse and relax the nervous flower girl. So wear that revealing gown and make a long-winded toast to your groom -- the spotlight is all yours, and you've earned it! You scored 15.4% Warm-hearted Water You scored 15.4% Elegant Earth You scored 7.7% Refreshing Air Let the Stars Reveal Your Mr. Right You scored 70% Air In romance, you're drawn to the qualities of an Air Sign. You're turned on by a man's intellect and sense of humor more than his net worth or fine physique. You desire a mate who will match you wit for wit and keep you up all night talking. Air Signs prefer to keep things light and even, so if you want love that's playful, you might be most turned on by a Gemini, a Libra or an Aquarius mate. Read more about these Sun Signs to discover more about their motivations and desires. You scored 20% Water You scored 10% Fire You scored 0% Earth and i got a 115 on my iq quiz and they said that was average 2003-07-02 12:26 a.m. Vent well i just got back from work ...i got home and my fucking retarded mom was flipping out everything i say to her some how links back to dan and i don't get it???? i say car she thinks to go see dan i say eat n park she thinks shes secretly going to see dan i say mall she thinks oh dans there its like no matter what i do everything relates back to dan and its not right...MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND DAN!!! damnit dan (thats right its all ur fault hehe) it just feels like no one wants me to be happy...my own mother is making me miserable...y doesn't she just want to see me happy...don't i deserve some happiness? no i guess not, that would be asking to much. I want to move out asap but the problem is i can't live by myself...i wouldn't last i would be way to lonely and scared for my own good...another problem is...i wouldn't want to live with another girl unless it were katie but thats not going to happen so i refuse to live with a girl i mean refuse...girls are so bitchie and catty (jon i know what it means yippie!!) and like to stab each other in the back hell no i think not so yea there that... I'm supposed to be getting a car soon but that'll never happen at the rate my moms at...geez.....AHHH i just wanna fucking scream and cry and i dunno but i know if i start i'll never stop so i must put on my i'm happy face and pretend like everything in the world is going right for me because damn it would be a sin if i didn't do that. My fucking family has been talking about me behind my back yea i love them to pieces but don't talk shit behind my back that makes u just as bad as the reason why ur talking about me behind my back maybe even worse say it to my fucking face please! sorrie guys just venting and it acutally is making me feel better haha yea i know i ramble and don't make sense but u know what i don't fucking care! i like not making sense it keeps people confused and well i guess thats fun so the plans for tomorrow are as followed: carni till around 9:30 eatnpuke till around 12:30 sound fun?? fuckin right it does u know y because i love eatnpark...i love sitting there for 5 hours doing nothing but drinking my coffee and coke and talking to jesse (hes so cute!) and paul and justin...they are a bunch of fun people who can make me feel happy :o) well im going to take some nyquil now and go to bed night night 2003-07-03 2:44 a.m. sad vent well let me just say that my family is fucking crazy...treating me like a 5 year old little girl that doesn't know a damn thing about anything. I NEED TO FUCKING MOVE OUT! i need a new job, a car, and well i don't know. I just don't know anything really i have no fucking clue about anything. i just wish i did because then my life would be a whole lot easier! If i knew what i wanted out of life, all i really ever wanted to be was a mother...nothing else really and well can't do that duh so now i havta figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life and let me tell u this is way to much pressure for me i just wanna have fun, just chill, be a bum, nope nope can't do that, hmmm....i don't know..acutally when i was younger i wanted to be a primatologist just like jane goodall *(sp?)* that would be fucking awesome but i couldn't do that because well i just couldn't...oh wellz such as life. Lately i've been feeling unwanted, lonely, just a lot of different shittie emotions and it just fucking sucks ass, thats probably because i skipped my meds for 3 days and just started taking them again...but who knows i just don't feel like im good enough for anyone i know thats not true but thats just how i feel and it fucking sucks ahhhhhhhhhhh im sorrie guys i just need to ramble and as soon as i get this shit off my chest even if im not really telling anyone and i just type it ..i feel so much better and i can go on with my life 2003-07-03 3:01 a.m. yet again more quizzes avoidant Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Lactating Barbie? What the fuck is wrong with you? Snap out of it and kill the kid while you still can! If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by Quizilla You are Love. You love life, you love all those around you and the world that you live in. You are happiest when you are doing something for someone else or for the common good of mankind. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla you're a bro! How can I label you? brought to you by Quizilla You wouldnt kill even if the circumstances were live or die something to represent your kind How would you kill someone brought to you by Quizilla You are Bob Marley! Who are you? brought to you by Quizilla You do that fanart stuff! Don't deny it! You are a particularly foul breed. Why Will You Go To Hell? brought to you by Quizilla You come from Heaven. You're the purest of pure, a saint. You're probably an angel sent directly from Heaven. Where Did Your Soul Originate? brought to you by Quizilla you are the "you suck, and that's sad" happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit brutal. which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla Hey Princess! Get off your cell phone and listen up! There is more to life than the mall, boys, and your hair. You are the typical look- obsessed, popular "cool" girl. What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you? brought to you by Quizilla Green Eyes What Color Eyes Should You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Shy Flirt What Kind of FLIRT are you? brought to you by Quizilla YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!! what's YOUR deepest secret? brought to you by Quizilla 2003-07-06 1:19am drugs are bad well i dont know anything anymore i don't know shit...i know that this creepy guy at eat-n-puke is always staring at me and its so scary...hes like 50 something...its creepy i feel all out of sorts today i fucking spit in hand for no reason felt something crawl across my face that wasn't there and then i was staring at katies street slowing down and trying to turn into nothing i'm so sick of work i have to work a 6 day stretch is hell today was my day off but i had to go in for judy which isn't a problem and now i have next saturday off but shit oh yea and i melted my pants...yea i burnt my leg and melted my pants and didn't realize it for 10 mins what the fuck..ok yea so i have off on wed. 2....i miss dan..i know i know i shouldn't hes "not my friend" and maybe im stupid but i dunno i know in my heart that hes not a bad guy yea he makes some stupid fuckin choices but i know in my heart he doesn't mean it i just know and i prefer to think with my heart instead of my brain can't you tell...i just miss the kid i haven't talked to him since thursday but i haven't seen him since well....let me think bout that for a moment...june 23....it took me 5 mins to come up with that by the way hehe... I really miss my bingerman....we were soooo fucking close so fucking close...and now we hardly talk and we do its hey whats up and thats it....i love him so much and always will...i hope that someday we can be as close as we once were fucking drugs I HATE YOU! 2003-07-14 3:00 am well its been awhile since i've had my last bitch so lets get crackin haha Tonight we *(katie and I)* went to eat-n-park to meet paul jesse and justin of course and mike was there and he was being such a dick to me i mean royal dick and then as im leaving hes like im sorrie blah blah blah i was only kidding i was trying to make you laugh and i dunno it just made me mad and jesse well i dunno the more we hang out with him the more i like him yet i don't its really weird and hard to explain this being alone thing sucks everytime i like say something to someone about how it sucks they're all like well how hard could it be to find a boyfriend....well im not just looking for a boyfriend i want to be with someone who likes me as much as i like him or visa versa...i've dated guys that i didn't like because they liked me and kept asking me out so i said yes and it was just a horrible thing and i've dated guys who didn't like me as much as i liked them and it just doesn't work out i don't wanna be in a relationship just to say im in one or just to be in one i want to be with someone who likes me for me the real me and i know that could be a lot to handle believe me i hear it from a lot of people but i can't help it its just the way i am and im not about to change for anyone but me because thats just what i believe in im just a stupid girl bitching because there is nothing better to do really but u know justins kinda cute in a hairy way hehe he is very cute what am i talking about and now hes opening up yay! its so much fun! Blah blah blah i don't have much else to say really but work sucks but my life is great seriously i believe i am living a great life but i just need to bitch and this is the perfect way to bitch so yippie 2003-07-15 11:24 p.m. eatnpark rules!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!!!!!!! no matter what dan does to me or how he ends up making me feel even if he "doesn't mean to" well i have a way to make myself feel better EAT-N-PARK!!!!! yay! first let me tell you that we *(katie and i)* were going to pick up paul from work and we even went but both of us were scared to go in because we didn't see him in there and it took us like 10 mins to walk in and then like another 5 just to ask for him and ofcourse i had katie do that because i felt stupid so i had to walk in first haha i felt like a total reject! but as it turns out he had gotten off work early and he was already at eatnpuke....then we got there told him about our adventure hehe and he thought it was nice and blah blah blah and he started talking about his hero i forget his name and like 45 mins later jesse justin and coleman came and nobody like sat beside me and jesse always just sits down beside me and i was like ok my ass isn't that big i swear someone else and sit here with us *(of course katie and i sit beside each other)* so justin was walking over to sit beside me but jesse sat down first and we all talked for a while and while justin was in the bathroom paul brought up how i was the vip of the hot chicks and i was like uh yea not quite and then jesse was like uh yea and he said some big word that means yes that i didn't know and then his friend coleman said samething...i thought it was sweet...and what else happened um justin coleman and paul went to wally world and while jesse was in the bathroom for like 20 mins takin a shit hehe hes so cute! and then he came back and it was just three of us and that was one of the best parts....then we played poker for cigs and well lets just say me and katie make the best fucking team when we think we have shit cards yea it ends up we have a straight yippie and we won a pack of cigs pretty much and then i when we were done i had so many of jesses cigs that i was like uh do u want them back and everyone flipped out and i was like what the hell i can offer them back if i want to and NNNNNNNNOOOOOoo thats against the "guys code" well excuse me paul...haha and lets see what else ....i've learned that the poker face is very scary...esp. on jesse and paul...what else...OUR CARDS WERE ELVIS CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KICK ASS SHIT!!!!!!!! what else what else....so i dunno people started getting tired and when we thought we were going to go we didn't we all went out to the lobby area and i gave justin a hug and he taught me how to give a "real" hug haha and i started pinching his ass because he was so funny when i did it hehe and then i gave coleman and paul a hug and then katie a hug she picked me up and it was soooooo fun and pauls in the background saying don't you sometimes wish you were katie and i was just thinkin ooohhh myyy yea because shes hot! but haha thats besides the point and jesse was shitting yet again and he was in there for quite sometime so katies like do you mind if we go in there and see what hes doing and i started playing with the urnals (sp?????) yea they're fun to play with! automatic we don't even have automatic anything in our bathroom and then justin was gonna pee in the urnial beside mine and paul walked over and was like your not going to pee and he started playing with it and poor justin didn't get to [ee for awhile so then paul and coleman were talking about how katie picked me up so she did it again and slammed me against the wall twice and they kept commenting on my facial expressions but hello my tailbone was being smashed into a fucking hand dryer thing ofcourse i was going to be making faces because it fucking hurt and then i lost my libret ball and i couldn't find it and then we went outside and we were going just to get my pants and for jesse to tell us his address and we got to see his dominos thinger majiger and then yea when i gave jesse a hug outside then he picked me up to it was all so strange and paul in the background was saying don't you sometimes wish you were jesse and jesse kissed my finger because i hurt it awwh but i asked him to hehe but i didn't think he would because my hand was in his shoe trying to fix this thing that was fucked up and well yea i dunno it was odd but he kissed it then saying it tasted bad not my hand just his shoe i was like oookkaayy and i dunno katie let me know if im missing anything because its all so much fun to remember i don't wanna forget...oh and i picked jesse up and justin and then i gave jesse a ride on my shoulders and i swear hes like a foot taller than me so that was hard jesse is just so cute *(hes hot as hell acutally)* and hes so sweet funny and just i dunno....a great person AND SO IS JUSTIN HE IS NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! so :P coleman so we were at eatnpark from 11 to 4 another fun 5 hours at eatnpark and that was my fun and exciting night can't wait til friday ;o) 2003-07-17 2:52 a.m. happy I'm so happy! there is just something about jesse that is so unbelievably different from any other guy i've ever met in the whole entire world...i know i think that bout every guy i meet pretty much but this time i know its true...he told me he was gonna get me flowers on friday :o) whether he does or doesn't its still sweet and he even wrote it on his hand and he called me "the hot chick" and everytime i say something he listens with total undivided attention and hes gonna let me and katie dress him up which is going to be total fun...he told me hes a horrible person however and that when we are going to be there for a couple hours hes going to explain to me how hes a horrible person and he needs to be shot but i don't believe it not for a second...i might not know him very well but what i do know of him i like a lot and there is no way he could be horrible!!!! hes been nothing but nice to me and my girlfriend and thats all that matters...i have a good feeling about this one..and everytime i have a good feeling something bad happens uh oh well see I'm so happy for katie, with all the love she has from matt and for matt, i just hope one day i could be as happy as she is and have all the love that she has that would be great! Friday is going to be so great hanging out with jesse paul justin maybe mike? that boy mike hes something else hes always making fun of me but u know what hes acutally starting to grow on me...and well paul is starting to really drive me crazy i mean i love the guy don't get me wrong but im starting to be so unattracted to him its not even funny like tonight at eat-n-park i sat beside him and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever! he like started rubbing my back and ewww i just couldn't handle it and the fact that i was sitting on the other side of the table for the first time in my life and i couldn't stand that either so i had to move and poor katie i love that girl she switched me spots shes so sweet i love her soooooo much she deserves the best and damnit MATT YOU BETTER BE THE BEST OR ELSE hehe....so yea friday night my parents are going out of town and we're going to be hanging out with the boys :o) im so excited i even bought a brand new shirt for the occassion :o) oh katie bear my katie bear i love thee thanks for being there for me 2003-07-22 2:23 a.m. drunk Well i decided that i really like jesse and i hope he feels the same about me but i dunno....sometimes....i just don't know....soemtimes he asks as thought he could like me and then other times he acts as though he can't stand me....i know i don't have a very good selfesteem but can you blame me? really? because walk a day in my life and then you'll understand not saying that you don't have a shittie life with bad things and all that and im not saying my life is shittie...i have a great life with great friends and a life...great place to hang out but i don't know im just not happy the depression is comeing back hardcore...i just want some stability ...i just cant handle people walking in and out of my life people have been doing that a lot to me lately like bitner did, abbie did pretty much, dan, fuckin nicole, almost the most importatnt people in my life and they just walked away like it was nothing and i can't handle that people are important to me my friends are my family and when they leave me its so hard because they go and get new and "better" friends or its because of the boyfriend/girlfriend or cousin of yours....which ever and i just need my family to stay together because they are the ones that keep me sane that ones who make me the person that i am today and when people choose drugs over me it kind of hurts a lot....but i never got to write about the night we went to pauls house and got drunk...well my parents went out of town friday night and we made plans a week before to meet paul jesse and justin at eatnpark well then 2 nights before danielle wanted to come with us shes a waitress at eatnpark... and so then the next night we went and we decided that we were going to go drinking and that we would meet there at 11:30 because i had to work till 11...so then we get there and we had to give paul a ride to his house for him to change and spray himself with something that stinks....then we went back and we decided that we were going to drink at pauls house...so jesse and paul went to go get the drinks because well im only 18 and katies 17 jesses 19 and so is justin.....danielle is 20 and paul is 23... so while they were getting drinks justin katie danielle and i went for a smoke run to wallyworld and justin was telling me bout how he feels like paul doesn't like him and i was like yea well paul freaks me out and we were talking about how paul just freaks me out and everything and then we got the smokes and left and then they pulled in right as we got there we i pretty much made justin come with us because well paul freaks me out....and we got there and he had all kinds of shit and we were sitting around drinking...and then we went outside to play cards and well....at some point i was laying across justins lap and jesse took my picture and let me tell you the look i made looks so fucking evil its insane but anyways...we went outside and played bullshit while listening to tom waits and i've never played before and let me tell you it was fun the most drinks i've had to take was 9...and um...lets see i won :o) i was out of cards first and paul was so smashed and so annoying it was driving me crazy...he also asked danielle out haha poor girl....and then danielle told me she wanted jesse and well that didn't really fly with me but what could i say and anyways hes not my man so i can't say anything i can't be like back off bitch hes mine because well yea it doesn't work that way but believe me i wanted to and how she kept comin on to him errrrrrrr but yea...so anyways.....i sat with justin on this little chair it was funny and i almost passed out on him which would have been funny and oh yea i fell on katie because she fell backwards and then i fell on her and it was just funny...then paul got the idea to break into the pool and so we went and broke into the pool and of course there i was in a silk shirt with no back besides the connecting shit and im wearing no bra a polyvinol skirt and see through skibbies which are lace by the way...yea so i wore danielles bra which was wayyyyy to big for me and my skibs and we went swimming....and then i got the bright idea to take my bra off hahaha and i was riding around on justins back or in jesses arms getting dunked and then i had to pee so then i had to climb the fence again thank god for jesse or else i might still be in that pool right now....and then we got back in and im telling you i tried so hard to dunk jesse and the only time i did he got me at the same time i got him it was a mess....then we left got out and i was frizzen so jesse gave me his shirt :o) which smelled good to me it smelled like sweat however because the boy doesn't shower often but thats ok because it just is....katie doesn't either ;o) i love you girl!!! and then we went to pauls house and he was flipping out because he had to sit with me katie and justin in the back seat....and jesus but then me and katie drove ourselves to eatnpark and we were there for like an hour and we left it was 6:04 i ran a red light haha and it was so fucking foggy then we got home and went to bed around 3:30 jesse called and said that he had just got off work and then we told him that we would meet him at 5 at the mall yea he didn't show up til 5:30 hehe but its ok and we stayed there til 8 went home had girls night went to nicoles and aarons saw the kitten major and watched the mothmans prophcies (sp??) and girl interupted and then i passed out towards the end...which was 7 am woke up at 2:30 just in time to go to work and i had to be there at 3....went to eatnpark afterward hung out with jesse paul and some chick....went home got online talked to katie, baker, and david passed out went to work got of work went to eatnpark after judys and judy came with us and katies sister tasha and ryan were there and so was paul, jesse, justin and some josh guy and yea its now 3 in the morning it took me forever to write this jesse is just i dunno different from anyone else i've ever met and hes so special.......katie if im leaving anything out tell me and i'll add it later peace love ya girl 2003-08-06 4:57 a.m. jesse?? danger?? well let me say this...im very worried about jesse...very very worried...i think i saw a track mark but i don't know if it could be old or new or what and it worries me because i don't want anything bad to happen to him... and katies going through a rough time and so is abbie and melissa and i kind of am but not as bad they are all having trouble with there men and well i don't have a man but thats where the trouble is coming from and if i find out that jesse didn't really quite i will shit my pants i don't know what i'd do i care about him so much and i don't want him to ruin his life with drugs and he jokes about things like that like what he uses to tie off his vains and shit and i just don't if hes being serious or what and it just really scares me so if you happen to know anything about this please let me know and i don't wanna hear any bullshit about how bad it is for you because duh i know this this is why i don't know anything about herion because i won't go near the stuff...penis and his girl are back together stupid fuckin shit...i don't know i just don't know hes been calling me all the time and everything and partying with me and hes been really sweet and shit and chillin with me and then bammm he has a girlfriend again and ofcourse its meghan the girl of his dreams i guess and im not even sure why yea shes a sweet girl and i love her and all but still.....penis......and then lets see who else am i having problems with kyle won't even talk to me because"im retarded" because i went partying this weekend well big fucking deal u know he is so stuck on himself sometimes hes all im not giving you advice anymore and i just wanted to be like when did you ever every time i came to you for advice you never listened the only time you care is when we are talking about you...YOU HAVE BAD TASTE IN WOMEN BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY SUPERFICAL simple as that....don't ask anymore your soooo worried about lookin good in front of your friends so your not a loser or whatever and looks mean the world to you its so sickening....katie is having trouble in paradise i guess matt broke up with her for no reason we have no clue if anything shes been the best girlfriend in the entire world and i would know because she is mine hehe...but matt should be treating her like the queen she is not a piece of shit she'll never be...so you know what yea thats right...matt and abbie are having major problems and its so weird because i don't know shit seems to go down when im around according to matt...we went to eatnpark tonight tasha and ryan were there and so were jesse justin paul john and leighanne it was fun but dave the manager or whatever he is picked me up and carried me out of there and locked me out how rude...i guess now that i think about it i am a natural flirt because i guess i was kind of flirting with justin and i just now realized it sitting here looking back on the situation...well its 5:11 i should go to bed now i'll write more tomorrow prolly.... love you all except a few u know who u are....night 2003-08-07 1:56 a.m. jesse? weird? i really like jesse i really do...but i don't understand ever since i've came home from maine hes been acting so odd...i don't know did i do something? is it even because of me? or has he just been acting like that?? i don't know he keeps calling himself a pompus dick but i don't think so..he told me last night that he had fun at the mall with me and that when im around he always has fun but i don't think he would lie to me about that i don't think he would lie to me at all but who knows maybe he would i dont' really know the guy that well i mean i know him but not inside and out but i would love to change that i know if he gave me a chance i would treat him soo good and i could be good for him and he would totally be good for me he could teach me so many things but thats ok because hes my friend and being my friend is good enough to me...i love having him in my life... Katie is great im so glad i have her in my life shes my best friend shes my sister she helps me no matter what and she has a good head on her shoulders shes wonderful where would i be without you?!?!?! i love you so much if you ever need me just tell me and i'll be there i swear and if matt is still being a dork then he doesn't deserve you...u are a fucking queen and thats all there is to it Melissa is my bestfriend as well i love you we've had many ups and downs ok maybe a couple but i love you u are truely great and you deserved to be treated like gold...michael is the greatest little shit i've ever met ur so lucky to have the greatest little boy in the world when i have time i have to tell you guys all about the party (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 10th, 2003
12:33 am	all my old entries from diaryland 2071-07-10 5:32 a.m. quizzes Well for starters my name is Lindsey I'm an 18 year old girl that is so confused in her boring little life. Its so sad that im going to take some quizzes very fucked. what fucked version of hello kittie are you? brought to you by Quizilla I am 50% Goth Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself. Take the Goth Test at fuali.com You're a perky goth! You have a more positive outlook on life, and are not afraid to use ::gasp:: colors. Yay! Are you a goth? brought to you by Quizilla Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You? How dumb are you? What Pattern Are You? Take the Affliction Test Today! Find Your Warped Personality this quiz was made by mysti Which Evil Criminal are You? Which "Natural Wonder" are you? I will be stung by a swarm of killer bees How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test Which tarot card are you?I am 68% Raver I may not be freaky like those Candy Kids, but I do know how to party. I am well connected in the scene, but may be getting a little tired of it. Take the Raver Test at fuali.com 2003-07-0 12:48 a.m. good vs. evil danny well let me get started by saying that i am not a slut...and next thing is to all of u that hate danny im sorrie but i don't i know him for who he is or maybe i think i do because thats just really who i want him to be well whatever it is....i know him and i know he would never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally...he doesn't have it in him...at least i dont think....god this is so confusing...everyones telling me all these different things about how hes just using me and he doesn't care about me and all this other shit but when i talk to him i just don't get that vibe from him because i believe everything he says maybe im just nieve or however u fucking spell it i dont know its just i know that the truth hurts but all my life i've always believe its best to think with your heart instead of your head and well my heart and my brain are telling me 2 different things...my brain is telling me that maybe i should just listen to everyone else that hes "evil" or whatever it is that they say but my heart tells me that hes still the same danny that i met in 9th grade that same cute sweet innocent kid that i grew to love and that for some reason i would let myself believe that he could somehow change esp. overnight or ever since the fucking 2 fast 2 furious movie came out i mean seriously thats when jr. stepped into the picture and as soon as jr. stepped into the picture all hell broke loose. He changed he was no longer the sweet innocent guy that i loved he was this mean kid with a really bad attitude about things...yet i still love him and care for him because its an unconditional love no matter what he will hold the same place in my heart...same with bitner...i still love him as much as ever and thinking of that i saw him today...when i was on my way to work from bakers house...it was interesting but i dont' think he saw me ofcourse he wouldnt because im acutally flipping him off....wow it feels so much better to clear some of my mind from this shit...talk to yall lataz peace 2003-07-01 11:46 a.m. adam and mike well my family just left to go back to dallas texas...you know ever since i can remember me and my cousin adam who is only 6 months older than me have been close...and last time he came to visit i don't know why but i just couldn't stand him and i didn't even think about missing him this time and bout maybe spending more time with him and shit but now that hes been here for a week and i've had the time to chill with him we were as close as ever it was like we were never apart just like it was every other time and i miss him like crazy...the only reason why we usta be close is because they usta live here and then they moved to fort worth and then he moved to dallas which in reality is like a part of it i dunno he tried to explain it however this is the first time in history that me and my favorite aunt in the whole world didn't even talk really or go out or do anything...she was upset because she didn't get to spend much time with adam and well we were joined at the hip or whatever and well thats how its always been though. Hes going to the army soon and then hes going to come back he truely is one of the coolest people i've ever met but of course he would be since hes related to me haha well...in other news my brother is a nut he is way over protective of me...like its insane...before hes never gave a damn about me but he did i dunno how to explain....when i was born it was exactly a week after his 8th birthday so he was upset that we had to share birthday parties....he was the first grandchild and i was the second so he went 8 years of being the only child and only grandchild and then i had to go and screw everything up for him and to everyone around him but me and my mom he hated me i ruined his life blah blah blah but secretly he loved me and was always protecting me and keeping me away from all the "bad things" if his friends said something bad about me when i was little he would beat them up because well mike hes violent...but at the same time he would beat me up in front of his friends...he was just the strangest and hardest thing to understand while growing up i mean he has a.d.d. really badly, he also has bipolar disorder but now that hes older (hes 26) and we are pretty much on the same wavelength not sure how but yeah we are...he watches over me and has to check out all the guys i date and he has to approve of them and yea hes just weird well the wife (his wife) and yea im going to go talk and chill for a bit i'll write back later 2003-07-01 12:11 p.m. quizzes again Feng Shui Quiz: Invite Harmony into Your Home You scored 50% Stagnant Ch'i Whether you believe it or not, by simply blocking the path to your front door, you could be blocking the flow of good fortune into your life! Perhaps you don't really take into consideration the decor or arrangement of your home. You may want to contact a Feng Shui expert for a professional consultation or check out a book on the principles of Feng Shui from the library. If you're too busy, stressed-out or feel that redecorating through Feng Shui would put too much of a strain on your pocket book, know that taking just a few simple steps toward harmonizing your surroundings could make all the difference to your luck -- and your mood! Read our quick tips below for ways to get started! You scored 30% Partially-blocked Ch'i You scored 20% Positive Ch'i Your Dream Wedding Quiz -- What's Your Bridal Style? You scored 61.5% Fun-loving Fire In your mind, your wedding day is the one time that you can be truly self-indulgent without feeling guilty -- after all, the whole day is really about you! As someone who most likely has some Fire Signs in her chart (Aries, Leo and Sagittarius), you crave attention and excitement, so it's perfectly natural that you fantasize about the "oohs" and "ahhs" that your guests will utter as you glide down the aisle, looking the most gorgeous and happy that you've ever looked. However, you are just as focused on making sure that everyone has a great time, as well. Your generous nature inspires you to go the extra mile for your guests, whether it's making sure there's a vegan meal for your cousin or bringing some small trinkets to amuse and relax the nervous flower girl. So wear that revealing gown and make a long-winded toast to your groom -- the spotlight is all yours, and you've earned it! You scored 15.4% Warm-hearted Water You scored 15.4% Elegant Earth You scored 7.7% Refreshing Air Let the Stars Reveal Your Mr. Right You scored 70% Air In romance, you're drawn to the qualities of an Air Sign. You're turned on by a man's intellect and sense of humor more than his net worth or fine physique. You desire a mate who will match you wit for wit and keep you up all night talking. Air Signs prefer to keep things light and even, so if you want love that's playful, you might be most turned on by a Gemini, a Libra or an Aquarius mate. Read more about these Sun Signs to discover more about their motivations and desires. You scored 20% Water You scored 10% Fire You scored 0% Earth and i got a 115 on my iq quiz and they said that was average 2003-07-02 12:26 a.m. Vent well i just got back from work ...i got home and my fucking retarded mom was flipping out everything i say to her some how links back to dan and i don't get it???? i say car she thinks to go see dan i say eat n park she thinks shes secretly going to see dan i say mall she thinks oh dans there its like no matter what i do everything relates back to dan and its not right...MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND DAN!!! damnit dan (thats right its all ur fault hehe) it just feels like no one wants me to be happy...my own mother is making me miserable...y doesn't she just want to see me happy...don't i deserve some happiness? no i guess not, that would be asking to much. I want to move out asap but the problem is i can't live by myself...i wouldn't last i would be way to lonely and scared for my own good...another problem is...i wouldn't want to live with another girl unless it were katie but thats not going to happen so i refuse to live with a girl i mean refuse...girls are so bitchie and catty (jon i know what it means yippie!!) and like to stab each other in the back hell no i think not so yea there that... I'm supposed to be getting a car soon but that'll never happen at the rate my moms at...geez.....AHHH i just wanna fucking scream and cry and i dunno but i know if i start i'll never stop so i must put on my i'm happy face and pretend like everything in the world is going right for me because damn it would be a sin if i didn't do that. My fucking family has been talking about me behind my back yea i love them to pieces but don't talk shit behind my back that makes u just as bad as the reason why ur talking about me behind my back maybe even worse say it to my fucking face please! sorrie guys just venting and it acutally is making me feel better haha yea i know i ramble and don't make sense but u know what i don't fucking care! i like not making sense it keeps people confused and well i guess thats fun so the plans for tomorrow are as followed: carni till around 9:30 eatnpuke till around 12:30 sound fun?? fuckin right it does u know y because i love eatnpark...i love sitting there for 5 hours doing nothing but drinking my coffee and coke and talking to jesse (hes so cute!) and paul and justin...they are a bunch of fun people who can make me feel happy :o) well im going to take some nyquil now and go to bed night night 2003-07-03 2:44 a.m. sad vent well let me just say that my family is fucking crazy...treating me like a 5 year old little girl that doesn't know a damn thing about anything. I NEED TO FUCKING MOVE OUT! i need a new job, a car, and well i don't know. I just don't know anything really i have no fucking clue about anything. i just wish i did because then my life would be a whole lot easier! If i knew what i wanted out of life, all i really ever wanted to be was a mother...nothing else really and well can't do that duh so now i havta figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life and let me tell u this is way to much pressure for me i just wanna have fun, just chill, be a bum, nope nope can't do that, hmmm....i don't know..acutally when i was younger i wanted to be a primatologist just like jane goodall *(sp?)* that would be fucking awesome but i couldn't do that because well i just couldn't...oh wellz such as life. Lately i've been feeling unwanted, lonely, just a lot of different shittie emotions and it just fucking sucks ass, thats probably because i skipped my meds for 3 days and just started taking them again...but who knows i just don't feel like im good enough for anyone i know thats not true but thats just how i feel and it fucking sucks ahhhhhhhhhhh im sorrie guys i just need to ramble and as soon as i get this shit off my chest even if im not really telling anyone and i just type it ..i feel so much better and i can go on with my life 2003-07-03 3:01 a.m. yet again more quizzes avoidant Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Lactating Barbie? What the fuck is wrong with you? Snap out of it and kill the kid while you still can! If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by Quizilla You are Love. You love life, you love all those around you and the world that you live in. You are happiest when you are doing something for someone else or for the common good of mankind. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla you're a bro! How can I label you? brought to you by Quizilla You wouldnt kill even if the circumstances were live or die something to represent your kind How would you kill someone brought to you by Quizilla You are Bob Marley! Who are you? brought to you by Quizilla You do that fanart stuff! Don't deny it! You are a particularly foul breed. Why Will You Go To Hell? brought to you by Quizilla You come from Heaven. You're the purest of pure, a saint. You're probably an angel sent directly from Heaven. Where Did Your Soul Originate? brought to you by Quizilla you are the "you suck, and that's sad" happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit brutal. which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla Hey Princess! Get off your cell phone and listen up! There is more to life than the mall, boys, and your hair. You are the typical look- obsessed, popular "cool" girl. What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you? brought to you by Quizilla Green Eyes What Color Eyes Should You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Shy Flirt What Kind of FLIRT are you? brought to you by Quizilla YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!! what's YOUR deepest secret? brought to you by Quizilla 2003-07-06 1:19am drugs are bad well i dont know anything anymore i don't know shit...i know that this creepy guy at eat-n-puke is always staring at me and its so scary...hes like 50 something...its creepy i feel all out of sorts today i fucking spit in hand for no reason felt something crawl across my face that wasn't there and then i was staring at katies street slowing down and trying to turn into nothing i'm so sick of work i have to work a 6 day stretch is hell today was my day off but i had to go in for judy which isn't a problem and now i have next saturday off but shit oh yea and i melted my pants...yea i burnt my leg and melted my pants and didn't realize it for 10 mins what the fuck..ok yea so i have off on wed. 2....i miss dan..i know i know i shouldn't hes "not my friend" and maybe im stupid but i dunno i know in my heart that hes not a bad guy yea he makes some stupid fuckin choices but i know in my heart he doesn't mean it i just know and i prefer to think with my heart instead of my brain can't you tell...i just miss the kid i haven't talked to him since thursday but i haven't seen him since well....let me think bout that for a moment...june 23....it took me 5 mins to come up with that by the way hehe... I really miss my bingerman....we were soooo fucking close so fucking close...and now we hardly talk and we do its hey whats up and thats it....i love him so much and always will...i hope that someday we can be as close as we once were fucking drugs I HATE YOU! 2003-07-14 3:00 am well its been awhile since i've had my last bitch so lets get crackin haha Tonight we *(katie and I)* went to eat-n-park to meet paul jesse and justin of course and mike was there and he was being such a dick to me i mean royal dick and then as im leaving hes like im sorrie blah blah blah i was only kidding i was trying to make you laugh and i dunno it just made me mad and jesse well i dunno the more we hang out with him the more i like him yet i don't its really weird and hard to explain this being alone thing sucks everytime i like say something to someone about how it sucks they're all like well how hard could it be to find a boyfriend....well im not just looking for a boyfriend i want to be with someone who likes me as much as i like him or visa versa...i've dated guys that i didn't like because they liked me and kept asking me out so i said yes and it was just a horrible thing and i've dated guys who didn't like me as much as i liked them and it just doesn't work out i don't wanna be in a relationship just to say im in one or just to be in one i want to be with someone who likes me for me the real me and i know that could be a lot to handle believe me i hear it from a lot of people but i can't help it its just the way i am and im not about to change for anyone but me because thats just what i believe in im just a stupid girl bitching because there is nothing better to do really but u know justins kinda cute in a hairy way hehe he is very cute what am i talking about and now hes opening up yay! its so much fun! Blah blah blah i don't have much else to say really but work sucks but my life is great seriously i believe i am living a great life but i just need to bitch and this is the perfect way to bitch so yippie 2003-07-15 11:24 p.m. eatnpark rules!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!!!!!!! no matter what dan does to me or how he ends up making me feel even if he "doesn't mean to" well i have a way to make myself feel better EAT-N-PARK!!!!! yay! first let me tell you that we *(katie and i)* were going to pick up paul from work and we even went but both of us were scared to go in because we didn't see him in there and it took us like 10 mins to walk in and then like another 5 just to ask for him and ofcourse i had katie do that because i felt stupid so i had to walk in first haha i felt like a total reject! but as it turns out he had gotten off work early and he was already at eatnpuke....then we got there told him about our adventure hehe and he thought it was nice and blah blah blah and he started talking about his hero i forget his name and like 45 mins later jesse justin and coleman came and nobody like sat beside me and jesse always just sits down beside me and i was like ok my ass isn't that big i swear someone else and sit here with us *(of course katie and i sit beside each other)* so justin was walking over to sit beside me but jesse sat down first and we all talked for a while and while justin was in the bathroom paul brought up how i was the vip of the hot chicks and i was like uh yea not quite and then jesse was like uh yea and he said some big word that means yes that i didn't know and then his friend coleman said samething...i thought it was sweet...and what else happened um justin coleman and paul went to wally world and while jesse was in the bathroom for like 20 mins takin a shit hehe hes so cute! and then he came back and it was just three of us and that was one of the best parts....then we played poker for cigs and well lets just say me and katie make the best fucking team when we think we have shit cards yea it ends up we have a straight yippie and we won a pack of cigs pretty much and then i when we were done i had so many of jesses cigs that i was like uh do u want them back and everyone flipped out and i was like what the hell i can offer them back if i want to and NNNNNNNNOOOOOoo thats against the "guys code" well excuse me paul...haha and lets see what else ....i've learned that the poker face is very scary...esp. on jesse and paul...what else...OUR CARDS WERE ELVIS CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KICK ASS SHIT!!!!!!!! what else what else....so i dunno people started getting tired and when we thought we were going to go we didn't we all went out to the lobby area and i gave justin a hug and he taught me how to give a "real" hug haha and i started pinching his ass because he was so funny when i did it hehe and then i gave coleman and paul a hug and then katie a hug she picked me up and it was soooooo fun and pauls in the background saying don't you sometimes wish you were katie and i was just thinkin ooohhh myyy yea because shes hot! but haha thats besides the point and jesse was shitting yet again and he was in there for quite sometime so katies like do you mind if we go in there and see what hes doing and i started playing with the urnals (sp?????) yea they're fun to play with! automatic we don't even have automatic anything in our bathroom and then justin was gonna pee in the urnial beside mine and paul walked over and was like your not going to pee and he started playing with it and poor justin didn't get to [ee for awhile so then paul and coleman were talking about how katie picked me up so she did it again and slammed me against the wall twice and they kept commenting on my facial expressions but hello my tailbone was being smashed into a fucking hand dryer thing ofcourse i was going to be making faces because it fucking hurt and then i lost my libret ball and i couldn't find it and then we went outside and we were going just to get my pants and for jesse to tell us his address and we got to see his dominos thinger majiger and then yea when i gave jesse a hug outside then he picked me up to it was all so strange and paul in the background was saying don't you sometimes wish you were jesse and jesse kissed my finger because i hurt it awwh but i asked him to hehe but i didn't think he would because my hand was in his shoe trying to fix this thing that was fucked up and well yea i dunno it was odd but he kissed it then saying it tasted bad not my hand just his shoe i was like oookkaayy and i dunno katie let me know if im missing anything because its all so much fun to remember i don't wanna forget...oh and i picked jesse up and justin and then i gave jesse a ride on my shoulders and i swear hes like a foot taller than me so that was hard jesse is just so cute *(hes hot as hell acutally)* and hes so sweet funny and just i dunno....a great person AND SO IS JUSTIN HE IS NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! so :P coleman so we were at eatnpark from 11 to 4 another fun 5 hours at eatnpark and that was my fun and exciting night can't wait til friday ;o) 2003-07-17 2:52 a.m. happy I'm so happy! there is just something about jesse that is so unbelievably different from any other guy i've ever met in the whole entire world...i know i think that bout every guy i meet pretty much but this time i know its true...he told me he was gonna get me flowers on friday :o) whether he does or doesn't its still sweet and he even wrote it on his hand and he called me "the hot chick" and everytime i say something he listens with total undivided attention and hes gonna let me and katie dress him up which is going to be total fun...he told me hes a horrible person however and that when we are going to be there for a couple hours hes going to explain to me how hes a horrible person and he needs to be shot but i don't believe it not for a second...i might not know him very well but what i do know of him i like a lot and there is no way he could be horrible!!!! hes been nothing but nice to me and my girlfriend and thats all that matters...i have a good feeling about this one..and everytime i have a good feeling something bad happens uh oh well see I'm so happy for katie, with all the love she has from matt and for matt, i just hope one day i could be as happy as she is and have all the love that she has that would be great! Friday is going to be so great hanging out with jesse paul justin maybe mike? that boy mike hes something else hes always making fun of me but u know what hes acutally starting to grow on me...and well paul is starting to really drive me crazy i mean i love the guy don't get me wrong but im starting to be so unattracted to him its not even funny like tonight at eat-n-park i sat beside him and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever! he like started rubbing my back and ewww i just couldn't handle it and the fact that i was sitting on the other side of the table for the first time in my life and i couldn't stand that either so i had to move and poor katie i love that girl she switched me spots shes so sweet i love her soooooo much she deserves the best and damnit MATT YOU BETTER BE THE BEST OR ELSE hehe....so yea friday night my parents are going out of town and we're going to be hanging out with the boys :o) im so excited i even bought a brand new shirt for the occassion :o) oh katie bear my katie bear i love thee thanks for being there for me 2003-07-22 2:23 a.m. drunk Well i decided that i really like jesse and i hope he feels the same about me but i dunno....sometimes....i just don't know....soemtimes he asks as thought he could like me and then other times he acts as though he can't stand me....i know i don't have a very good selfesteem but can you blame me? really? because walk a day in my life and then you'll understand not saying that you don't have a shittie life with bad things and all that and im not saying my life is shittie...i have a great life with great friends and a life...great place to hang out but i don't know im just not happy the depression is comeing back hardcore...i just want some stability ...i just cant handle people walking in and out of my life people have been doing that a lot to me lately like bitner did, abbie did pretty much, dan, fuckin nicole, almost the most importatnt people in my life and they just walked away like it was nothing and i can't handle that people are important to me my friends are my family and when they leave me its so hard because they go and get new and "better" friends or its because of the boyfriend/girlfriend or cousin of yours....which ever and i just need my family to stay together because they are the ones that keep me sane that ones who make me the person that i am today and when people choose drugs over me it kind of hurts a lot....but i never got to write about the night we went to pauls house and got drunk...well my parents went out of town friday night and we made plans a week before to meet paul jesse and justin at eatnpark well then 2 nights before danielle wanted to come with us shes a waitress at eatnpark... and so then the next night we went and we decided that we were going to go drinking and that we would meet there at 11:30 because i had to work till 11...so then we get there and we had to give paul a ride to his house for him to change and spray himself with something that stinks....then we went back and we decided that we were going to drink at pauls house...so jesse and paul went to go get the drinks because well im only 18 and katies 17 jesses 19 and so is justin.....danielle is 20 and paul is 23... so while they were getting drinks justin katie danielle and i went for a smoke run to wallyworld and justin was telling me bout how he feels like paul doesn't like him and i was like yea well paul freaks me out and we were talking about how paul just freaks me out and everything and then we got the smokes and left and then they pulled in right as we got there we i pretty much made justin come with us because well paul freaks me out....and we got there and he had all kinds of shit and we were sitting around drinking...and then we went outside to play cards and well....at some point i was laying across justins lap and jesse took my picture and let me tell you the look i made looks so fucking evil its insane but anyways...we went outside and played bullshit while listening to tom waits and i've never played before and let me tell you it was fun the most drinks i've had to take was 9...and um...lets see i won :o) i was out of cards first and paul was so smashed and so annoying it was driving me crazy...he also asked danielle out haha poor girl....and then danielle told me she wanted jesse and well that didn't really fly with me but what could i say and anyways hes not my man so i can't say anything i can't be like back off bitch hes mine because well yea it doesn't work that way but believe me i wanted to and how she kept comin on to him errrrrrrr but yea...so anyways.....i sat with justin on this little chair it was funny and i almost passed out on him which would have been funny and oh yea i fell on katie because she fell backwards and then i fell on her and it was just funny...then paul got the idea to break into the pool and so we went and broke into the pool and of course there i was in a silk shirt with no back besides the connecting shit and im wearing no bra a polyvinol skirt and see through skibbies which are lace by the way...yea so i wore danielles bra which was wayyyyy to big for me and my skibs and we went swimming....and then i got the bright idea to take my bra off hahaha and i was riding around on justins back or in jesses arms getting dunked and then i had to pee so then i had to climb the fence again thank god for jesse or else i might still be in that pool right now....and then we got back in and im telling you i tried so hard to dunk jesse and the only time i did he got me at the same time i got him it was a mess....then we left got out and i was frizzen so jesse gave me his shirt :o) which smelled good to me it smelled like sweat however because the boy doesn't shower often but thats ok because it just is....katie doesn't either ;o) i love you girl!!! and then we went to pauls house and he was flipping out because he had to sit with me katie and justin in the back seat....and jesus but then me and katie drove ourselves to eatnpark and we were there for like an hour and we left it was 6:04 i ran a red light haha and it was so fucking foggy then we got home and went to bed around 3:30 jesse called and said that he had just got off work and then we told him that we would meet him at 5 at the mall yea he didn't show up til 5:30 hehe but its ok and we stayed there til 8 went home had girls night went to nicoles and aarons saw the kitten major and watched the mothmans prophcies (sp??) and girl interupted and then i passed out towards the end...which was 7 am woke up at 2:30 just in time to go to work and i had to be there at 3....went to eatnpark afterward hung out with jesse paul and some chick....went home got online talked to katie, baker, and david passed out went to work got of work went to eatnpark after judys and judy came with us and katies sister tasha and ryan were there and so was paul, jesse, justin and some josh guy and yea its now 3 in the morning it took me forever to write this jesse is just i dunno different from anyone else i've ever met and hes so special.......katie if im leaving anything out tell me and i'll add it later peace love ya girl 2003-08-06 4:57 a.m. jesse?? danger?? well let me say this...im very worried about jesse...very very worried...i think i saw a track mark but i don't know if it could be old or new or what and it worries me because i don't want anything bad to happen to him... and katies going through a rough time and so is abbie and melissa and i kind of am but not as bad they are all having trouble with there men and well i don't have a man but thats where the trouble is coming from and if i find out that jesse didn't really quite i will shit my pants i don't know what i'd do i care about him so much and i don't want him to ruin his life with drugs and he jokes about things like that like what he uses to tie off his vains and shit and i just don't if hes being serious or what and it just really scares me so if you happen to know anything about this please let me know and i don't wanna hear any bullshit about how bad it is for you because duh i know this this is why i don't know anything about herion because i won't go near the stuff...penis and his girl are back together stupid fuckin shit...i don't know i just don't know hes been calling me all the time and everything and partying with me and hes been really sweet and shit and chillin with me and then bammm he has a girlfriend again and ofcourse its meghan the girl of his dreams i guess and im not even sure why yea shes a sweet girl and i love her and all but still.....penis......and then lets see who else am i having problems with kyle won't even talk to me because"im retarded" because i went partying this weekend well big fucking deal u know he is so stuck on himself sometimes hes all im not giving you advice anymore and i just wanted to be like when did you ever every time i came to you for advice you never listened the only time you care is when we are talking about you...YOU HAVE BAD TASTE IN WOMEN BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY SUPERFICAL simple as that....don't ask anymore your soooo worried about lookin good in front of your friends so your not a loser or whatever and looks mean the world to you its so sickening....katie is having trouble in paradise i guess matt broke up with her for no reason we have no clue if anything shes been the best girlfriend in the entire world and i would know because she is mine hehe...but matt should be treating her like the queen she is not a piece of shit she'll never be...so you know what yea thats right...matt and abbie are having major problems and its so weird because i don't know shit seems to go down when im around according to matt...we went to eatnpark tonight tasha and ryan were there and so were jesse justin paul john and leighanne it was fun but dave the manager or whatever he is picked me up and carried me out of there and locked me out how rude...i guess now that i think about it i am a natural flirt because i guess i was kind of flirting with justin and i just now realized it sitting here looking back on the situation...well its 5:11 i should go to bed now i'll write more tomorrow prolly.... love you all except a few u know who u are....night 2003-08-07 1:56 a.m. jesse? weird? i really like jesse i really do...but i don't understand ever since i've came home from maine hes been acting so odd...i don't know did i do something? is it even because of me? or has he just been acting like that?? i don't know he keeps calling himself a pompus dick but i don't think so..he told me last night that he had fun at the mall with me and that when im around he always has fun but i don't think he would lie to me about that i don't think he would lie to me at all but who knows maybe he would i dont' really know the guy that well i mean i know him but not inside and out but i would love to change that i know if he gave me a chance i would treat him soo good and i could be good for him and he would totally be good for me he could teach me so many things but thats ok because hes my friend and being my friend is good enough to me...i love having him in my life... Katie is great im so glad i have her in my life shes my best friend shes my sister she helps me no matter what and she has a good head on her shoulders shes wonderful where would i be without you?!?!?! i love you so much if you ever need me just tell me and i'll be there i swear and if matt is still being a dork then he doesn't deserve you...u are a fucking queen and thats all there is to it Melissa is my bestfriend as well i love you we've had many ups and downs ok maybe a couple but i love you u are truely great and you deserved to be treated like gold...michael is the greatest little shit i've ever met ur so lucky to have the greatest little boy in the world when i have time i have to tell you guys all about the party (Comment on this)
12:23 am	all my old entries from diaryland 2071-07-10 5:32 a.m. quizzes Well for starters my name is Lindsey I'm an 18 year old girl that is so confused in her boring little life. Its so sad that im going to take some quizzes very fucked. what fucked version of hello kittie are you? brought to you by Quizilla I am 50% Goth Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself. Take the Goth Test at fuali.com You're a perky goth! You have a more positive outlook on life, and are not afraid to use ::gasp:: colors. Yay! Are you a goth? brought to you by Quizilla Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You? How dumb are you? What Pattern Are You? Take the Affliction Test Today! Find Your Warped Personality this quiz was made by mysti Which Evil Criminal are You? Which "Natural Wonder" are you? I will be stung by a swarm of killer bees How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test Which tarot card are you?I am 68% Raver I may not be freaky like those Candy Kids, but I do know how to party. I am well connected in the scene, but may be getting a little tired of it. Take the Raver Test at fuali.com 2003-07-0 12:48 a.m. good vs. evil danny well let me get started by saying that i am not a slut...and next thing is to all of u that hate danny im sorrie but i don't i know him for who he is or maybe i think i do because thats just really who i want him to be well whatever it is....i know him and i know he would never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally...he doesn't have it in him...at least i dont think....god this is so confusing...everyones telling me all these different things about how hes just using me and he doesn't care about me and all this other shit but when i talk to him i just don't get that vibe from him because i believe everything he says maybe im just nieve or however u fucking spell it i dont know its just i know that the truth hurts but all my life i've always believe its best to think with your heart instead of your head and well my heart and my brain are telling me 2 different things...my brain is telling me that maybe i should just listen to everyone else that hes "evil" or whatever it is that they say but my heart tells me that hes still the same danny that i met in 9th grade that same cute sweet innocent kid that i grew to love and that for some reason i would let myself believe that he could somehow change esp. overnight or ever since the fucking 2 fast 2 furious movie came out i mean seriously thats when jr. stepped into the picture and as soon as jr. stepped into the picture all hell broke loose. He changed he was no longer the sweet innocent guy that i loved he was this mean kid with a really bad attitude about things...yet i still love him and care for him because its an unconditional love no matter what he will hold the same place in my heart...same with bitner...i still love him as much as ever and thinking of that i saw him today...when i was on my way to work from bakers house...it was interesting but i dont' think he saw me ofcourse he wouldnt because im acutally flipping him off....wow it feels so much better to clear some of my mind from this shit...talk to yall lataz peace 2003-07-01 11:46 a.m. adam and mike well my family just left to go back to dallas texas...you know ever since i can remember me and my cousin adam who is only 6 months older than me have been close...and last time he came to visit i don't know why but i just couldn't stand him and i didn't even think about missing him this time and bout maybe spending more time with him and shit but now that hes been here for a week and i've had the time to chill with him we were as close as ever it was like we were never apart just like it was every other time and i miss him like crazy...the only reason why we usta be close is because they usta live here and then they moved to fort worth and then he moved to dallas which in reality is like a part of it i dunno he tried to explain it however this is the first time in history that me and my favorite aunt in the whole world didn't even talk really or go out or do anything...she was upset because she didn't get to spend much time with adam and well we were joined at the hip or whatever and well thats how its always been though. Hes going to the army soon and then hes going to come back he truely is one of the coolest people i've ever met but of course he would be since hes related to me haha well...in other news my brother is a nut he is way over protective of me...like its insane...before hes never gave a damn about me but he did i dunno how to explain....when i was born it was exactly a week after his 8th birthday so he was upset that we had to share birthday parties....he was the first grandchild and i was the second so he went 8 years of being the only child and only grandchild and then i had to go and screw everything up for him and to everyone around him but me and my mom he hated me i ruined his life blah blah blah but secretly he loved me and was always protecting me and keeping me away from all the "bad things" if his friends said something bad about me when i was little he would beat them up because well mike hes violent...but at the same time he would beat me up in front of his friends...he was just the strangest and hardest thing to understand while growing up i mean he has a.d.d. really badly, he also has bipolar disorder but now that hes older (hes 26) and we are pretty much on the same wavelength not sure how but yeah we are...he watches over me and has to check out all the guys i date and he has to approve of them and yea hes just weird well the wife (his wife) and yea im going to go talk and chill for a bit i'll write back later 2003-07-01 12:11 p.m. quizzes again Feng Shui Quiz: Invite Harmony into Your Home You scored 50% Stagnant Ch'i Whether you believe it or not, by simply blocking the path to your front door, you could be blocking the flow of good fortune into your life! Perhaps you don't really take into consideration the decor or arrangement of your home. You may want to contact a Feng Shui expert for a professional consultation or check out a book on the principles of Feng Shui from the library. If you're too busy, stressed-out or feel that redecorating through Feng Shui would put too much of a strain on your pocket book, know that taking just a few simple steps toward harmonizing your surroundings could make all the difference to your luck -- and your mood! Read our quick tips below for ways to get started! You scored 30% Partially-blocked Ch'i You scored 20% Positive Ch'i Your Dream Wedding Quiz -- What's Your Bridal Style? You scored 61.5% Fun-loving Fire In your mind, your wedding day is the one time that you can be truly self-indulgent without feeling guilty -- after all, the whole day is really about you! As someone who most likely has some Fire Signs in her chart (Aries, Leo and Sagittarius), you crave attention and excitement, so it's perfectly natural that you fantasize about the "oohs" and "ahhs" that your guests will utter as you glide down the aisle, looking the most gorgeous and happy that you've ever looked. However, you are just as focused on making sure that everyone has a great time, as well. Your generous nature inspires you to go the extra mile for your guests, whether it's making sure there's a vegan meal for your cousin or bringing some small trinkets to amuse and relax the nervous flower girl. So wear that revealing gown and make a long-winded toast to your groom -- the spotlight is all yours, and you've earned it! You scored 15.4% Warm-hearted Water You scored 15.4% Elegant Earth You scored 7.7% Refreshing Air Let the Stars Reveal Your Mr. Right You scored 70% Air In romance, you're drawn to the qualities of an Air Sign. You're turned on by a man's intellect and sense of humor more than his net worth or fine physique. You desire a mate who will match you wit for wit and keep you up all night talking. Air Signs prefer to keep things light and even, so if you want love that's playful, you might be most turned on by a Gemini, a Libra or an Aquarius mate. Read more about these Sun Signs to discover more about their motivations and desires. You scored 20% Water You scored 10% Fire You scored 0% Earth and i got a 115 on my iq quiz and they said that was average 2003-07-02 12:26 a.m. Vent well i just got back from work ...i got home and my fucking retarded mom was flipping out everything i say to her some how links back to dan and i don't get it???? i say car she thinks to go see dan i say eat n park she thinks shes secretly going to see dan i say mall she thinks oh dans there its like no matter what i do everything relates back to dan and its not right...MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND DAN!!! damnit dan (thats right its all ur fault hehe) it just feels like no one wants me to be happy...my own mother is making me miserable...y doesn't she just want to see me happy...don't i deserve some happiness? no i guess not, that would be asking to much. I want to move out asap but the problem is i can't live by myself...i wouldn't last i would be way to lonely and scared for my own good...another problem is...i wouldn't want to live with another girl unless it were katie but thats not going to happen so i refuse to live with a girl i mean refuse...girls are so bitchie and catty (jon i know what it means yippie!!) and like to stab each other in the back hell no i think not so yea there that... I'm supposed to be getting a car soon but that'll never happen at the rate my moms at...geez.....AHHH i just wanna fucking scream and cry and i dunno but i know if i start i'll never stop so i must put on my i'm happy face and pretend like everything in the world is going right for me because damn it would be a sin if i didn't do that. My fucking family has been talking about me behind my back yea i love them to pieces but don't talk shit behind my back that makes u just as bad as the reason why ur talking about me behind my back maybe even worse say it to my fucking face please! sorrie guys just venting and it acutally is making me feel better haha yea i know i ramble and don't make sense but u know what i don't fucking care! i like not making sense it keeps people confused and well i guess thats fun so the plans for tomorrow are as followed: carni till around 9:30 eatnpuke till around 12:30 sound fun?? fuckin right it does u know y because i love eatnpark...i love sitting there for 5 hours doing nothing but drinking my coffee and coke and talking to jesse (hes so cute!) and paul and justin...they are a bunch of fun people who can make me feel happy :o) well im going to take some nyquil now and go to bed night night 2003-07-03 2:44 a.m. sad vent well let me just say that my family is fucking crazy...treating me like a 5 year old little girl that doesn't know a damn thing about anything. I NEED TO FUCKING MOVE OUT! i need a new job, a car, and well i don't know. I just don't know anything really i have no fucking clue about anything. i just wish i did because then my life would be a whole lot easier! If i knew what i wanted out of life, all i really ever wanted to be was a mother...nothing else really and well can't do that duh so now i havta figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life and let me tell u this is way to much pressure for me i just wanna have fun, just chill, be a bum, nope nope can't do that, hmmm....i don't know..acutally when i was younger i wanted to be a primatologist just like jane goodall *(sp?)* that would be fucking awesome but i couldn't do that because well i just couldn't...oh wellz such as life. Lately i've been feeling unwanted, lonely, just a lot of different shittie emotions and it just fucking sucks ass, thats probably because i skipped my meds for 3 days and just started taking them again...but who knows i just don't feel like im good enough for anyone i know thats not true but thats just how i feel and it fucking sucks ahhhhhhhhhhh im sorrie guys i just need to ramble and as soon as i get this shit off my chest even if im not really telling anyone and i just type it ..i feel so much better and i can go on with my life 2003-07-03 3:01 a.m. yet again more quizzes avoidant Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Lactating Barbie? What the fuck is wrong with you? Snap out of it and kill the kid while you still can! If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by Quizilla You are Love. You love life, you love all those around you and the world that you live in. You are happiest when you are doing something for someone else or for the common good of mankind. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla you're a bro! How can I label you? brought to you by Quizilla You wouldnt kill even if the circumstances were live or die something to represent your kind How would you kill someone brought to you by Quizilla You are Bob Marley! Who are you? brought to you by Quizilla You do that fanart stuff! Don't deny it! You are a particularly foul breed. Why Will You Go To Hell? brought to you by Quizilla You come from Heaven. You're the purest of pure, a saint. You're probably an angel sent directly from Heaven. Where Did Your Soul Originate? brought to you by Quizilla you are the "you suck, and that's sad" happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit brutal. which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla Hey Princess! Get off your cell phone and listen up! There is more to life than the mall, boys, and your hair. You are the typical look- obsessed, popular "cool" girl. What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you? brought to you by Quizilla Green Eyes What Color Eyes Should You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Shy Flirt What Kind of FLIRT are you? brought to you by Quizilla YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!! what's YOUR deepest secret? brought to you by Quizilla 2003-07-06 1:19am drugs are bad well i dont know anything anymore i don't know shit...i know that this creepy guy at eat-n-puke is always staring at me and its so scary...hes like 50 something...its creepy i feel all out of sorts today i fucking spit in hand for no reason felt something crawl across my face that wasn't there and then i was staring at katies street slowing down and trying to turn into nothing i'm so sick of work i have to work a 6 day stretch is hell today was my day off but i had to go in for judy which isn't a problem and now i have next saturday off but shit oh yea and i melted my pants...yea i burnt my leg and melted my pants and didn't realize it for 10 mins what the fuck..ok yea so i have off on wed. 2....i miss dan..i know i know i shouldn't hes "not my friend" and maybe im stupid but i dunno i know in my heart that hes not a bad guy yea he makes some stupid fuckin choices but i know in my heart he doesn't mean it i just know and i prefer to think with my heart instead of my brain can't you tell...i just miss the kid i haven't talked to him since thursday but i haven't seen him since well....let me think bout that for a moment...june 23....it took me 5 mins to come up with that by the way hehe... I really miss my bingerman....we were soooo fucking close so fucking close...and now we hardly talk and we do its hey whats up and thats it....i love him so much and always will...i hope that someday we can be as close as we once were fucking drugs I HATE YOU! 2003-07-14 3:00 am well its been awhile since i've had my last bitch so lets get crackin haha Tonight we *(katie and I)* went to eat-n-park to meet paul jesse and justin of course and mike was there and he was being such a dick to me i mean royal dick and then as im leaving hes like im sorrie blah blah blah i was only kidding i was trying to make you laugh and i dunno it just made me mad and jesse well i dunno the more we hang out with him the more i like him yet i don't its really weird and hard to explain this being alone thing sucks everytime i like say something to someone about how it sucks they're all like well how hard could it be to find a boyfriend....well im not just looking for a boyfriend i want to be with someone who likes me as much as i like him or visa versa...i've dated guys that i didn't like because they liked me and kept asking me out so i said yes and it was just a horrible thing and i've dated guys who didn't like me as much as i liked them and it just doesn't work out i don't wanna be in a relationship just to say im in one or just to be in one i want to be with someone who likes me for me the real me and i know that could be a lot to handle believe me i hear it from a lot of people but i can't help it its just the way i am and im not about to change for anyone but me because thats just what i believe in im just a stupid girl bitching because there is nothing better to do really but u know justins kinda cute in a hairy way hehe he is very cute what am i talking about and now hes opening up yay! its so much fun! Blah blah blah i don't have much else to say really but work sucks but my life is great seriously i believe i am living a great life but i just need to bitch and this is the perfect way to bitch so yippie 2003-07-15 11:24 p.m. eatnpark rules!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!!!!!!! no matter what dan does to me or how he ends up making me feel even if he "doesn't mean to" well i have a way to make myself feel better EAT-N-PARK!!!!! yay! first let me tell you that we *(katie and i)* were going to pick up paul from work and we even went but both of us were scared to go in because we didn't see him in there and it took us like 10 mins to walk in and then like another 5 just to ask for him and ofcourse i had katie do that because i felt stupid so i had to walk in first haha i felt like a total reject! but as it turns out he had gotten off work early and he was already at eatnpuke....then we got there told him about our adventure hehe and he thought it was nice and blah blah blah and he started talking about his hero i forget his name and like 45 mins later jesse justin and coleman came and nobody like sat beside me and jesse always just sits down beside me and i was like ok my ass isn't that big i swear someone else and sit here with us *(of course katie and i sit beside each other)* so justin was walking over to sit beside me but jesse sat down first and we all talked for a while and while justin was in the bathroom paul brought up how i was the vip of the hot chicks and i was like uh yea not quite and then jesse was like uh yea and he said some big word that means yes that i didn't know and then his friend coleman said samething...i thought it was sweet...and what else happened um justin coleman and paul went to wally world and while jesse was in the bathroom for like 20 mins takin a shit hehe hes so cute! and then he came back and it was just three of us and that was one of the best parts....then we played poker for cigs and well lets just say me and katie make the best fucking team when we think we have shit cards yea it ends up we have a straight yippie and we won a pack of cigs pretty much and then i when we were done i had so many of jesses cigs that i was like uh do u want them back and everyone flipped out and i was like what the hell i can offer them back if i want to and NNNNNNNNOOOOOoo thats against the "guys code" well excuse me paul...haha and lets see what else ....i've learned that the poker face is very scary...esp. on jesse and paul...what else...OUR CARDS WERE ELVIS CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KICK ASS SHIT!!!!!!!! what else what else....so i dunno people started getting tired and when we thought we were going to go we didn't we all went out to the lobby area and i gave justin a hug and he taught me how to give a "real" hug haha and i started pinching his ass because he was so funny when i did it hehe and then i gave coleman and paul a hug and then katie a hug she picked me up and it was soooooo fun and pauls in the background saying don't you sometimes wish you were katie and i was just thinkin ooohhh myyy yea because shes hot! but haha thats besides the point and jesse was shitting yet again and he was in there for quite sometime so katies like do you mind if we go in there and see what hes doing and i started playing with the urnals (sp?????) yea they're fun to play with! automatic we don't even have automatic anything in our bathroom and then justin was gonna pee in the urnial beside mine and paul walked over and was like your not going to pee and he started playing with it and poor justin didn't get to [ee for awhile so then paul and coleman were talking about how katie picked me up so she did it again and slammed me against the wall twice and they kept commenting on my facial expressions but hello my tailbone was being smashed into a fucking hand dryer thing ofcourse i was going to be making faces because it fucking hurt and then i lost my libret ball and i couldn't find it and then we went outside and we were going just to get my pants and for jesse to tell us his address and we got to see his dominos thinger majiger and then yea when i gave jesse a hug outside then he picked me up to it was all so strange and paul in the background was saying don't you sometimes wish you were jesse and jesse kissed my finger because i hurt it awwh but i asked him to hehe but i didn't think he would because my hand was in his shoe trying to fix this thing that was fucked up and well yea i dunno it was odd but he kissed it then saying it tasted bad not my hand just his shoe i was like oookkaayy and i dunno katie let me know if im missing anything because its all so much fun to remember i don't wanna forget...oh and i picked jesse up and justin and then i gave jesse a ride on my shoulders and i swear hes like a foot taller than me so that was hard jesse is just so cute *(hes hot as hell acutally)* and hes so sweet funny and just i dunno....a great person AND SO IS JUSTIN HE IS NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! so :P coleman so we were at eatnpark from 11 to 4 another fun 5 hours at eatnpark and that was my fun and exciting night can't wait til friday ;o) 2003-07-17 2:52 a.m. happy I'm so happy! there is just something about jesse that is so unbelievably different from any other guy i've ever met in the whole entire world...i know i think that bout every guy i meet pretty much but this time i know its true...he told me he was gonna get me flowers on friday :o) whether he does or doesn't its still sweet and he even wrote it on his hand and he called me "the hot chick" and everytime i say something he listens with total undivided attention and hes gonna let me and katie dress him up which is going to be total fun...he told me hes a horrible person however and that when we are going to be there for a couple hours hes going to explain to me how hes a horrible person and he needs to be shot but i don't believe it not for a second...i might not know him very well but what i do know of him i like a lot and there is no way he could be horrible!!!! hes been nothing but nice to me and my girlfriend and thats all that matters...i have a good feeling about this one..and everytime i have a good feeling something bad happens uh oh well see I'm so happy for katie, with all the love she has from matt and for matt, i just hope one day i could be as happy as she is and have all the love that she has that would be great! Friday is going to be so great hanging out with jesse paul justin maybe mike? that boy mike hes something else hes always making fun of me but u know what hes acutally starting to grow on me...and well paul is starting to really drive me crazy i mean i love the guy don't get me wrong but im starting to be so unattracted to him its not even funny like tonight at eat-n-park i sat beside him and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever! he like started rubbing my back and ewww i just couldn't handle it and the fact that i was sitting on the other side of the table for the first time in my life and i couldn't stand that either so i had to move and poor katie i love that girl she switched me spots shes so sweet i love her soooooo much she deserves the best and damnit MATT YOU BETTER BE THE BEST OR ELSE hehe....so yea friday night my parents are going out of town and we're going to be hanging out with the boys :o) im so excited i even bought a brand new shirt for the occassion :o) oh katie bear my katie bear i love thee thanks for being there for me 2003-07-22 2:23 a.m. drunk Well i decided that i really like jesse and i hope he feels the same about me but i dunno....sometimes....i just don't know....soemtimes he asks as thought he could like me and then other times he acts as though he can't stand me....i know i don't have a very good selfesteem but can you blame me? really? because walk a day in my life and then you'll understand not saying that you don't have a shittie life with bad things and all that and im not saying my life is shittie...i have a great life with great friends and a life...great place to hang out but i don't know im just not happy the depression is comeing back hardcore...i just want some stability ...i just cant handle people walking in and out of my life people have been doing that a lot to me lately like bitner did, abbie did pretty much, dan, fuckin nicole, almost the most importatnt people in my life and they just walked away like it was nothing and i can't handle that people are important to me my friends are my family and when they leave me its so hard because they go and get new and "better" friends or its because of the boyfriend/girlfriend or cousin of yours....which ever and i just need my family to stay together because they are the ones that keep me sane that ones who make me the person that i am today and when people choose drugs over me it kind of hurts a lot....but i never got to write about the night we went to pauls house and got drunk...well my parents went out of town friday night and we made plans a week before to meet paul jesse and justin at eatnpark well then 2 nights before danielle wanted to come with us shes a waitress at eatnpark... and so then the next night we went and we decided that we were going to go drinking and that we would meet there at 11:30 because i had to work till 11...so then we get there and we had to give paul a ride to his house for him to change and spray himself with something that stinks....then we went back and we decided that we were going to drink at pauls house...so jesse and paul went to go get the drinks because well im only 18 and katies 17 jesses 19 and so is justin.....danielle is 20 and paul is 23... so while they were getting drinks justin katie danielle and i went for a smoke run to wallyworld and justin was telling me bout how he feels like paul doesn't like him and i was like yea well paul freaks me out and we were talking about how paul just freaks me out and everything and then we got the smokes and left and then they pulled in right as we got there we i pretty much made justin come with us because well paul freaks me out....and we got there and he had all kinds of shit and we were sitting around drinking...and then we went outside to play cards and well....at some point i was laying across justins lap and jesse took my picture and let me tell you the look i made looks so fucking evil its insane but anyways...we went outside and played bullshit while listening to tom waits and i've never played before and let me tell you it was fun the most drinks i've had to take was 9...and um...lets see i won :o) i was out of cards first and paul was so smashed and so annoying it was driving me crazy...he also asked danielle out haha poor girl....and then danielle told me she wanted jesse and well that didn't really fly with me but what could i say and anyways hes not my man so i can't say anything i can't be like back off bitch hes mine because well yea it doesn't work that way but believe me i wanted to and how she kept comin on to him errrrrrrr but yea...so anyways.....i sat with justin on this little chair it was funny and i almost passed out on him which would have been funny and oh yea i fell on katie because she fell backwards and then i fell on her and it was just funny...then paul got the idea to break into the pool and so we went and broke into the pool and of course there i was in a silk shirt with no back besides the connecting shit and im wearing no bra a polyvinol skirt and see through skibbies which are lace by the way...yea so i wore danielles bra which was wayyyyy to big for me and my skibs and we went swimming....and then i got the bright idea to take my bra off hahaha and i was riding around on justins back or in jesses arms getting dunked and then i had to pee so then i had to climb the fence again thank god for jesse or else i might still be in that pool right now....and then we got back in and im telling you i tried so hard to dunk jesse and the only time i did he got me at the same time i got him it was a mess....then we left got out and i was frizzen so jesse gave me his shirt :o) which smelled good to me it smelled like sweat however because the boy doesn't shower often but thats ok because it just is....katie doesn't either ;o) i love you girl!!! and then we went to pauls house and he was flipping out because he had to sit with me katie and justin in the back seat....and jesus but then me and katie drove ourselves to eatnpark and we were there for like an hour and we left it was 6:04 i ran a red light haha and it was so fucking foggy then we got home and went to bed around 3:30 jesse called and said that he had just got off work and then we told him that we would meet him at 5 at the mall yea he didn't show up til 5:30 hehe but its ok and we stayed there til 8 went home had girls night went to nicoles and aarons saw the kitten major and watched the mothmans prophcies (sp??) and girl interupted and then i passed out towards the end...which was 7 am woke up at 2:30 just in time to go to work and i had to be there at 3....went to eatnpark afterward hung out with jesse paul and some chick....went home got online talked to katie, baker, and david passed out went to work got of work went to eatnpark after judys and judy came with us and katies sister tasha and ryan were there and so was paul, jesse, justin and some josh guy and yea its now 3 in the morning it took me forever to write this jesse is just i dunno different from anyone else i've ever met and hes so special.......katie if im leaving anything out tell me and i'll add it later peace love ya girl 2003-08-06 4:57 a.m. jesse?? danger?? well let me say this...im very worried about jesse...very very worried...i think i saw a track mark but i don't know if it could be old or new or what and it worries me because i don't want anything bad to happen to him... and katies going through a rough time and so is abbie and melissa and i kind of am but not as bad they are all having trouble with there men and well i don't have a man but thats where the trouble is coming from and if i find out that jesse didn't really quite i will shit my pants i don't know what i'd do i care about him so much and i don't want him to ruin his life with drugs and he jokes about things like that like what he uses to tie off his vains and shit and i just don't if hes being serious or what and it just really scares me so if you happen to know anything about this please let me know and i don't wanna hear any bullshit about how bad it is for you because duh i know this this is why i don't know anything about herion because i won't go near the stuff...penis and his girl are back together stupid fuckin shit...i don't know i just don't know hes been calling me all the time and everything and partying with me and hes been really sweet and shit and chillin with me and then bammm he has a girlfriend again and ofcourse its meghan the girl of his dreams i guess and im not even sure why yea shes a sweet girl and i love her and all but still.....penis......and then lets see who else am i having problems with kyle won't even talk to me because"im retarded" because i went partying this weekend well big fucking deal u know he is so stuck on himself sometimes hes all im not giving you advice anymore and i just wanted to be like when did you ever every time i came to you for advice you never listened the only time you care is when we are talking about you...YOU HAVE BAD TASTE IN WOMEN BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY SUPERFICAL simple as that....don't ask anymore your soooo worried about lookin good in front of your friends so your not a loser or whatever and looks mean the world to you its so sickening....katie is having trouble in paradise i guess matt broke up with her for no reason we have no clue if anything shes been the best girlfriend in the entire world and i would know because she is mine hehe...but matt should be treating her like the queen she is not a piece of shit she'll never be...so you know what yea thats right...matt and abbie are having major problems and its so weird because i don't know shit seems to go down when im around according to matt...we went to eatnpark tonight tasha and ryan were there and so were jesse justin paul john and leighanne it was fun but dave the manager or whatever he is picked me up and carried me out of there and locked me out how rude...i guess now that i think about it i am a natural flirt because i guess i was kind of flirting with justin and i just now realized it sitting here looking back on the situation...well its 5:11 i should go to bed now i'll write more tomorrow prolly.... love you all except a few u know who u are....night 2003-08-07 1:56 a.m. jesse? weird? i really like jesse i really do...but i don't understand ever since i've came home from maine hes been acting so odd...i don't know did i do something? is it even because of me? or has he just been acting like that?? i don't know he keeps calling himself a pompus dick but i don't think so..he told me last night that he had fun at the mall with me and that when im around he always has fun but i don't think he would lie to me about that i don't think he would lie to me at all but who knows maybe he would i dont' really know the guy that well i mean i know him but not inside and out but i would love to change that i know if he gave me a chance i would treat him soo good and i could be good for him and he would totally be good for me he could teach me so many things but thats ok because hes my friend and being my friend is good enough to me...i love having him in my life... Katie is great im so glad i have her in my life shes my best friend shes my sister she helps me no matter what and she has a good head on her shoulders shes wonderful where would i be without you?!?!?! i love you so much if you ever need me just tell me and i'll be there i swear and if matt is still being a dork then he doesn't deserve you...u are a fucking queen and thats all there is to it Melissa is my bestfriend as well i love you we've had many ups and downs ok maybe a couple but i love you u are truely great and you deserved to be treated like gold...michael is the greatest little shit i've ever met ur so lucky to have the greatest little boy in the world when i have time i have to tell you guys all about the party (Comment on this)
12:23 am	all my old entries from diaryland 2071-07-10 5:32 a.m. quizzes Well for starters my name is Lindsey I'm an 18 year old girl that is so confused in her boring little life. Its so sad that im going to take some quizzes very fucked. what fucked version of hello kittie are you? brought to you by Quizilla I am 50% Goth Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself. Take the Goth Test at fuali.com You're a perky goth! You have a more positive outlook on life, and are not afraid to use ::gasp:: colors. Yay! Are you a goth? brought to you by Quizilla Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You? How dumb are you? What Pattern Are You? Take the Affliction Test Today! Find Your Warped Personality this quiz was made by mysti Which Evil Criminal are You? Which "Natural Wonder" are you? I will be stung by a swarm of killer bees How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test Which tarot card are you?I am 68% Raver I may not be freaky like those Candy Kids, but I do know how to party. I am well connected in the scene, but may be getting a little tired of it. Take the Raver Test at fuali.com 2003-07-0 12:48 a.m. good vs. evil danny well let me get started by saying that i am not a slut...and next thing is to all of u that hate danny im sorrie but i don't i know him for who he is or maybe i think i do because thats just really who i want him to be well whatever it is....i know him and i know he would never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally...he doesn't have it in him...at least i dont think....god this is so confusing...everyones telling me all these different things about how hes just using me and he doesn't care about me and all this other shit but when i talk to him i just don't get that vibe from him because i believe everything he says maybe im just nieve or however u fucking spell it i dont know its just i know that the truth hurts but all my life i've always believe its best to think with your heart instead of your head and well my heart and my brain are telling me 2 different things...my brain is telling me that maybe i should just listen to everyone else that hes "evil" or whatever it is that they say but my heart tells me that hes still the same danny that i met in 9th grade that same cute sweet innocent kid that i grew to love and that for some reason i would let myself believe that he could somehow change esp. overnight or ever since the fucking 2 fast 2 furious movie came out i mean seriously thats when jr. stepped into the picture and as soon as jr. stepped into the picture all hell broke loose. He changed he was no longer the sweet innocent guy that i loved he was this mean kid with a really bad attitude about things...yet i still love him and care for him because its an unconditional love no matter what he will hold the same place in my heart...same with bitner...i still love him as much as ever and thinking of that i saw him today...when i was on my way to work from bakers house...it was interesting but i dont' think he saw me ofcourse he wouldnt because im acutally flipping him off....wow it feels so much better to clear some of my mind from this shit...talk to yall lataz peace 2003-07-01 11:46 a.m. adam and mike well my family just left to go back to dallas texas...you know ever since i can remember me and my cousin adam who is only 6 months older than me have been close...and last time he came to visit i don't know why but i just couldn't stand him and i didn't even think about missing him this time and bout maybe spending more time with him and shit but now that hes been here for a week and i've had the time to chill with him we were as close as ever it was like we were never apart just like it was every other time and i miss him like crazy...the only reason why we usta be close is because they usta live here and then they moved to fort worth and then he moved to dallas which in reality is like a part of it i dunno he tried to explain it however this is the first time in history that me and my favorite aunt in the whole world didn't even talk really or go out or do anything...she was upset because she didn't get to spend much time with adam and well we were joined at the hip or whatever and well thats how its always been though. Hes going to the army soon and then hes going to come back he truely is one of the coolest people i've ever met but of course he would be since hes related to me haha well...in other news my brother is a nut he is way over protective of me...like its insane...before hes never gave a damn about me but he did i dunno how to explain....when i was born it was exactly a week after his 8th birthday so he was upset that we had to share birthday parties....he was the first grandchild and i was the second so he went 8 years of being the only child and only grandchild and then i had to go and screw everything up for him and to everyone around him but me and my mom he hated me i ruined his life blah blah blah but secretly he loved me and was always protecting me and keeping me away from all the "bad things" if his friends said something bad about me when i was little he would beat them up because well mike hes violent...but at the same time he would beat me up in front of his friends...he was just the strangest and hardest thing to understand while growing up i mean he has a.d.d. really badly, he also has bipolar disorder but now that hes older (hes 26) and we are pretty much on the same wavelength not sure how but yeah we are...he watches over me and has to check out all the guys i date and he has to approve of them and yea hes just weird well the wife (his wife) and yea im going to go talk and chill for a bit i'll write back later 2003-07-01 12:11 p.m. quizzes again Feng Shui Quiz: Invite Harmony into Your Home You scored 50% Stagnant Ch'i Whether you believe it or not, by simply blocking the path to your front door, you could be blocking the flow of good fortune into your life! Perhaps you don't really take into consideration the decor or arrangement of your home. You may want to contact a Feng Shui expert for a professional consultation or check out a book on the principles of Feng Shui from the library. If you're too busy, stressed-out or feel that redecorating through Feng Shui would put too much of a strain on your pocket book, know that taking just a few simple steps toward harmonizing your surroundings could make all the difference to your luck -- and your mood! Read our quick tips below for ways to get started! You scored 30% Partially-blocked Ch'i You scored 20% Positive Ch'i Your Dream Wedding Quiz -- What's Your Bridal Style? You scored 61.5% Fun-loving Fire In your mind, your wedding day is the one time that you can be truly self-indulgent without feeling guilty -- after all, the whole day is really about you! As someone who most likely has some Fire Signs in her chart (Aries, Leo and Sagittarius), you crave attention and excitement, so it's perfectly natural that you fantasize about the "oohs" and "ahhs" that your guests will utter as you glide down the aisle, looking the most gorgeous and happy that you've ever looked. However, you are just as focused on making sure that everyone has a great time, as well. Your generous nature inspires you to go the extra mile for your guests, whether it's making sure there's a vegan meal for your cousin or bringing some small trinkets to amuse and relax the nervous flower girl. So wear that revealing gown and make a long-winded toast to your groom -- the spotlight is all yours, and you've earned it! You scored 15.4% Warm-hearted Water You scored 15.4% Elegant Earth You scored 7.7% Refreshing Air Let the Stars Reveal Your Mr. Right You scored 70% Air In romance, you're drawn to the qualities of an Air Sign. You're turned on by a man's intellect and sense of humor more than his net worth or fine physique. You desire a mate who will match you wit for wit and keep you up all night talking. Air Signs prefer to keep things light and even, so if you want love that's playful, you might be most turned on by a Gemini, a Libra or an Aquarius mate. Read more about these Sun Signs to discover more about their motivations and desires. You scored 20% Water You scored 10% Fire You scored 0% Earth and i got a 115 on my iq quiz and they said that was average 2003-07-02 12:26 a.m. Vent well i just got back from work ...i got home and my fucking retarded mom was flipping out everything i say to her some how links back to dan and i don't get it???? i say car she thinks to go see dan i say eat n park she thinks shes secretly going to see dan i say mall she thinks oh dans there its like no matter what i do everything relates back to dan and its not right...MY LIFE DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND DAN!!! damnit dan (thats right its all ur fault hehe) it just feels like no one wants me to be happy...my own mother is making me miserable...y doesn't she just want to see me happy...don't i deserve some happiness? no i guess not, that would be asking to much. I want to move out asap but the problem is i can't live by myself...i wouldn't last i would be way to lonely and scared for my own good...another problem is...i wouldn't want to live with another girl unless it were katie but thats not going to happen so i refuse to live with a girl i mean refuse...girls are so bitchie and catty (jon i know what it means yippie!!) and like to stab each other in the back hell no i think not so yea there that... I'm supposed to be getting a car soon but that'll never happen at the rate my moms at...geez.....AHHH i just wanna fucking scream and cry and i dunno but i know if i start i'll never stop so i must put on my i'm happy face and pretend like everything in the world is going right for me because damn it would be a sin if i didn't do that. My fucking family has been talking about me behind my back yea i love them to pieces but don't talk shit behind my back that makes u just as bad as the reason why ur talking about me behind my back maybe even worse say it to my fucking face please! sorrie guys just venting and it acutally is making me feel better haha yea i know i ramble and don't make sense but u know what i don't fucking care! i like not making sense it keeps people confused and well i guess thats fun so the plans for tomorrow are as followed: carni till around 9:30 eatnpuke till around 12:30 sound fun?? fuckin right it does u know y because i love eatnpark...i love sitting there for 5 hours doing nothing but drinking my coffee and coke and talking to jesse (hes so cute!) and paul and justin...they are a bunch of fun people who can make me feel happy :o) well im going to take some nyquil now and go to bed night night 2003-07-03 2:44 a.m. sad vent well let me just say that my family is fucking crazy...treating me like a 5 year old little girl that doesn't know a damn thing about anything. I NEED TO FUCKING MOVE OUT! i need a new job, a car, and well i don't know. I just don't know anything really i have no fucking clue about anything. i just wish i did because then my life would be a whole lot easier! If i knew what i wanted out of life, all i really ever wanted to be was a mother...nothing else really and well can't do that duh so now i havta figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life and let me tell u this is way to much pressure for me i just wanna have fun, just chill, be a bum, nope nope can't do that, hmmm....i don't know..acutally when i was younger i wanted to be a primatologist just like jane goodall *(sp?)* that would be fucking awesome but i couldn't do that because well i just couldn't...oh wellz such as life. Lately i've been feeling unwanted, lonely, just a lot of different shittie emotions and it just fucking sucks ass, thats probably because i skipped my meds for 3 days and just started taking them again...but who knows i just don't feel like im good enough for anyone i know thats not true but thats just how i feel and it fucking sucks ahhhhhhhhhhh im sorrie guys i just need to ramble and as soon as i get this shit off my chest even if im not really telling anyone and i just type it ..i feel so much better and i can go on with my life 2003-07-03 3:01 a.m. yet again more quizzes avoidant Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Lactating Barbie? What the fuck is wrong with you? Snap out of it and kill the kid while you still can! If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by Quizilla You are Love. You love life, you love all those around you and the world that you live in. You are happiest when you are doing something for someone else or for the common good of mankind. What Emotion Are You? brought to you by Quizilla you're a bro! How can I label you? brought to you by Quizilla You wouldnt kill even if the circumstances were live or die something to represent your kind How would you kill someone brought to you by Quizilla You are Bob Marley! Who are you? brought to you by Quizilla You do that fanart stuff! Don't deny it! You are a particularly foul breed. Why Will You Go To Hell? brought to you by Quizilla You come from Heaven. You're the purest of pure, a saint. You're probably an angel sent directly from Heaven. Where Did Your Soul Originate? brought to you by Quizilla you are the "you suck, and that's sad" happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit brutal. which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla Hey Princess! Get off your cell phone and listen up! There is more to life than the mall, boys, and your hair. You are the typical look- obsessed, popular "cool" girl. What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you? brought to you by Quizilla Green Eyes What Color Eyes Should You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Shy Flirt What Kind of FLIRT are you? brought to you by Quizilla YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!! what's YOUR deepest secret? brought to you by Quizilla 2003-07-06 1:19am drugs are bad well i dont know anything anymore i don't know shit...i know that this creepy guy at eat-n-puke is always staring at me and its so scary...hes like 50 something...its creepy i feel all out of sorts today i fucking spit in hand for no reason felt something crawl across my face that wasn't there and then i was staring at katies street slowing down and trying to turn into nothing i'm so sick of work i have to work a 6 day stretch is hell today was my day off but i had to go in for judy which isn't a problem and now i have next saturday off but shit oh yea and i melted my pants...yea i burnt my leg and melted my pants and didn't realize it for 10 mins what the fuck..ok yea so i have off on wed. 2....i miss dan..i know i know i shouldn't hes "not my friend" and maybe im stupid but i dunno i know in my heart that hes not a bad guy yea he makes some stupid fuckin choices but i know in my heart he doesn't mean it i just know and i prefer to think with my heart instead of my brain can't you tell...i just miss the kid i haven't talked to him since thursday but i haven't seen him since well....let me think bout that for a moment...june 23....it took me 5 mins to come up with that by the way hehe... I really miss my bingerman....we were soooo fucking close so fucking close...and now we hardly talk and we do its hey whats up and thats it....i love him so much and always will...i hope that someday we can be as close as we once were fucking drugs I HATE YOU! 2003-07-14 3:00 am well its been awhile since i've had my last bitch so lets get crackin haha Tonight we *(katie and I)* went to eat-n-park to meet paul jesse and justin of course and mike was there and he was being such a dick to me i mean royal dick and then as im leaving hes like im sorrie blah blah blah i was only kidding i was trying to make you laugh and i dunno it just made me mad and jesse well i dunno the more we hang out with him the more i like him yet i don't its really weird and hard to explain this being alone thing sucks everytime i like say something to someone about how it sucks they're all like well how hard could it be to find a boyfriend....well im not just looking for a boyfriend i want to be with someone who likes me as much as i like him or visa versa...i've dated guys that i didn't like because they liked me and kept asking me out so i said yes and it was just a horrible thing and i've dated guys who didn't like me as much as i liked them and it just doesn't work out i don't wanna be in a relationship just to say im in one or just to be in one i want to be with someone who likes me for me the real me and i know that could be a lot to handle believe me i hear it from a lot of people but i can't help it its just the way i am and im not about to change for anyone but me because thats just what i believe in im just a stupid girl bitching because there is nothing better to do really but u know justins kinda cute in a hairy way hehe he is very cute what am i talking about and now hes opening up yay! its so much fun! Blah blah blah i don't have much else to say really but work sucks but my life is great seriously i believe i am living a great life but i just need to bitch and this is the perfect way to bitch so yippie 2003-07-15 11:24 p.m. eatnpark rules!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!!!!!!! no matter what dan does to me or how he ends up making me feel even if he "doesn't mean to" well i have a way to make myself feel better EAT-N-PARK!!!!! yay! first let me tell you that we *(katie and i)* were going to pick up paul from work and we even went but both of us were scared to go in because we didn't see him in there and it took us like 10 mins to walk in and then like another 5 just to ask for him and ofcourse i had katie do that because i felt stupid so i had to walk in first haha i felt like a total reject! but as it turns out he had gotten off work early and he was already at eatnpuke....then we got there told him about our adventure hehe and he thought it was nice and blah blah blah and he started talking about his hero i forget his name and like 45 mins later jesse justin and coleman came and nobody like sat beside me and jesse always just sits down beside me and i was like ok my ass isn't that big i swear someone else and sit here with us *(of course katie and i sit beside each other)* so justin was walking over to sit beside me but jesse sat down first and we all talked for a while and while justin was in the bathroom paul brought up how i was the vip of the hot chicks and i was like uh yea not quite and then jesse was like uh yea and he said some big word that means yes that i didn't know and then his friend coleman said samething...i thought it was sweet...and what else happened um justin coleman and paul went to wally world and while jesse was in the bathroom for like 20 mins takin a shit hehe hes so cute! and then he came back and it was just three of us and that was one of the best parts....then we played poker for cigs and well lets just say me and katie make the best fucking team when we think we have shit cards yea it ends up we have a straight yippie and we won a pack of cigs pretty much and then i when we were done i had so many of jesses cigs that i was like uh do u want them back and everyone flipped out and i was like what the hell i can offer them back if i want to and NNNNNNNNOOOOOoo thats against the "guys code" well excuse me paul...haha and lets see what else ....i've learned that the poker face is very scary...esp. on jesse and paul...what else...OUR CARDS WERE ELVIS CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KICK ASS SHIT!!!!!!!! what else what else....so i dunno people started getting tired and when we thought we were going to go we didn't we all went out to the lobby area and i gave justin a hug and he taught me how to give a "real" hug haha and i started pinching his ass because he was so funny when i did it hehe and then i gave coleman and paul a hug and then katie a hug she picked me up and it was soooooo fun and pauls in the background saying don't you sometimes wish you were katie and i was just thinkin ooohhh myyy yea because shes hot! but haha thats besides the point and jesse was shitting yet again and he was in there for quite sometime so katies like do you mind if we go in there and see what hes doing and i started playing with the urnals (sp?????) yea they're fun to play with! automatic we don't even have automatic anything in our bathroom and then justin was gonna pee in the urnial beside mine and paul walked over and was like your not going to pee and he started playing with it and poor justin didn't get to [ee for awhile so then paul and coleman were talking about how katie picked me up so she did it again and slammed me against the wall twice and they kept commenting on my facial expressions but hello my tailbone was being smashed into a fucking hand dryer thing ofcourse i was going to be making faces because it fucking hurt and then i lost my libret ball and i couldn't find it and then we went outside and we were going just to get my pants and for jesse to tell us his address and we got to see his dominos thinger majiger and then yea when i gave jesse a hug outside then he picked me up to it was all so strange and paul in the background was saying don't you sometimes wish you were jesse and jesse kissed my finger because i hurt it awwh but i asked him to hehe but i didn't think he would because my hand was in his shoe trying to fix this thing that was fucked up and well yea i dunno it was odd but he kissed it then saying it tasted bad not my hand just his shoe i was like oookkaayy and i dunno katie let me know if im missing anything because its all so much fun to remember i don't wanna forget...oh and i picked jesse up and justin and then i gave jesse a ride on my shoulders and i swear hes like a foot taller than me so that was hard jesse is just so cute *(hes hot as hell acutally)* and hes so sweet funny and just i dunno....a great person AND SO IS JUSTIN HE IS NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON!!! so :P coleman so we were at eatnpark from 11 to 4 another fun 5 hours at eatnpark and that was my fun and exciting night can't wait til friday ;o) 2003-07-17 2:52 a.m. happy I'm so happy! there is just something about jesse that is so unbelievably different from any other guy i've ever met in the whole entire world...i know i think that bout every guy i meet pretty much but this time i know its true...he told me he was gonna get me flowers on friday :o) whether he does or doesn't its still sweet and he even wrote it on his hand and he called me "the hot chick" and everytime i say something he listens with total undivided attention and hes gonna let me and katie dress him up which is going to be total fun...he told me hes a horrible person however and that when we are going to be there for a couple hours hes going to explain to me how hes a horrible person and he needs to be shot but i don't believe it not for a second...i might not know him very well but what i do know of him i like a lot and there is no way he could be horrible!!!! hes been nothing but nice to me and my girlfriend and thats all that matters...i have a good feeling about this one..and everytime i have a good feeling something bad happens uh oh well see I'm so happy for katie, with all the love she has from matt and for matt, i just hope one day i could be as happy as she is and have all the love that she has that would be great! Friday is going to be so great hanging out with jesse paul justin maybe mike? that boy mike hes something else hes always making fun of me but u know what hes acutally starting to grow on me...and well paul is starting to really drive me crazy i mean i love the guy don't get me wrong but im starting to be so unattracted to him its not even funny like tonight at eat-n-park i sat beside him and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever! he like started rubbing my back and ewww i just couldn't handle it and the fact that i was sitting on the other side of the table for the first time in my life and i couldn't stand that either so i had to move and poor katie i love that girl she switched me spots shes so sweet i love her soooooo much she deserves the best and damnit MATT YOU BETTER BE THE BEST OR ELSE hehe....so yea friday night my parents are going out of town and we're going to be hanging out with the boys :o) im so excited i even bought a brand new shirt for the occassion :o) oh katie bear my katie bear i love thee thanks for being there for me 2003-07-22 2:23 a.m. drunk Well i decided that i really like jesse and i hope he feels the same about me but i dunno....sometimes....i just don't know....soemtimes he asks as thought he could like me and then other times he acts as though he can't stand me....i know i don't have a very good selfesteem but can you blame me? really? because walk a day in my life and then you'll understand not saying that you don't have a shittie life with bad things and all that and im not saying my life is shittie...i have a great life with great friends and a life...great place to hang out but i don't know im just not happy the depression is comeing back hardcore...i just want some stability ...i just cant handle people walking in and out of my life people have been doing that a lot to me lately like bitner did, abbie did pretty much, dan, fuckin nicole, almost the most importatnt people in my life and they just walked away like it was nothing and i can't handle that people are important to me my friends are my family and when they leave me its so hard because they go and get new and "better" friends or its because of the boyfriend/girlfriend or cousin of yours....which ever and i just need my family to stay together because they are the ones that keep me sane that ones who make me the person that i am today and when people choose drugs over me it kind of hurts a lot....but i never got to write about the night we went to pauls house and got drunk...well my parents went out of town friday night and we made plans a week before to meet paul jesse and justin at eatnpark well then 2 nights before danielle wanted to come with us shes a waitress at eatnpark... and so then the next night we went and we decided that we were going to go drinking and that we would meet there at 11:30 because i had to work till 11...so then we get there and we had to give paul a ride to his house for him to change and spray himself with something that stinks....then we went back and we decided that we were going to drink at pauls house...so jesse and paul went to go get the drinks because well im only 18 and katies 17 jesses 19 and so is justin.....danielle is 20 and paul is 23... so while they were getting drinks justin katie danielle and i went for a smoke run to wallyworld and justin was telling me bout how he feels like paul doesn't like him and i was like yea well paul freaks me out and we were talking about how paul just freaks me out and everything and then we got the smokes and left and then they pulled in right as we got there we i pretty much made justin come with us because well paul freaks me out....and we got there and he had all kinds of shit and we were sitting around drinking...and then we went outside to play cards and well....at some point i was laying across justins lap and jesse took my picture and let me tell you the look i made looks so fucking evil its insane but anyways...we went outside and played bullshit while listening to tom waits and i've never played before and let me tell you it was fun the most drinks i've had to take was 9...and um...lets see i won :o) i was out of cards first and paul was so smashed and so annoying it was driving me crazy...he also asked danielle out haha poor girl....and then danielle told me she wanted jesse and well that didn't really fly with me but what could i say and anyways hes not my man so i can't say anything i can't be like back off bitch hes mine because well yea it doesn't work that way but believe me i wanted to and how she kept comin on to him errrrrrrr but yea...so anyways.....i sat with justin on this little chair it was funny and i almost passed out on him which would have been funny and oh yea i fell on katie because she fell backwards and then i fell on her and it was just funny...then paul got the idea to break into the pool and so we went and broke into the pool and of course there i was in a silk shirt with no back besides the connecting shit and im wearing no bra a polyvinol skirt and see through skibbies which are lace by the way...yea so i wore danielles bra which was wayyyyy to big for me and my skibs and we went swimming....and then i got the bright idea to take my bra off hahaha and i was riding around on justins back or in jesses arms getting dunked and then i had to pee so then i had to climb the fence again thank god for jesse or else i might still be in that pool right now....and then we got back in and im telling you i tried so hard to dunk jesse and the only time i did he got me at the same time i got him it was a mess....then we left got out and i was frizzen so jesse gave me his shirt :o) which smelled good to me it smelled like sweat however because the boy doesn't shower often but thats ok because it just is....katie doesn't either ;o) i love you girl!!! and then we went to pauls house and he was flipping out because he had to sit with me katie and justin in the back seat....and jesus but then me and katie drove ourselves to eatnpark and we were there for like an hour and we left it was 6:04 i ran a red light haha and it was so fucking foggy then we got home and went to bed around 3:30 jesse called and said that he had just got off work and then we told him that we would meet him at 5 at the mall yea he didn't show up til 5:30 hehe but its ok and we stayed there til 8 went home had girls night went to nicoles and aarons saw the kitten major and watched the mothmans prophcies (sp??) and girl interupted and then i passed out towards the end...which was 7 am woke up at 2:30 just in time to go to work and i had to be there at 3....went to eatnpark afterward hung out with jesse paul and some chick....went home got online talked to katie, baker, and david passed out went to work got of work went to eatnpark after judys and judy came with us and katies sister tasha and ryan were there and so was paul, jesse, justin and some josh guy and yea its now 3 in the morning it took me forever to write this jesse is just i dunno different from anyone else i've ever met and hes so special.......katie if im leaving anything out tell me and i'll add it later peace love ya girl 2003-08-06 4:57 a.m. jesse?? danger?? well let me say this...im very worried about jesse...very very worried...i think i saw a track mark but i don't know if it could be old or new or what and it worries me because i don't want anything bad to happen to him... and katies going through a rough time and so is abbie and melissa and i kind of am but not as bad they are all having trouble with there men and well i don't have a man but thats where the trouble is coming from and if i find out that jesse didn't really quite i will shit my pants i don't know what i'd do i care about him so much and i don't want him to ruin his life with drugs and he jokes about things like that like what he uses to tie off his vains and shit and i just don't if hes being serious or what and it just really scares me so if you happen to know anything about this please let me know and i don't wanna hear any bullshit about how bad it is for you because duh i know this this is why i don't know anything about herion because i won't go near the stuff...penis and his girl are back together stupid fuckin shit...i don't know i just don't know hes been calling me all the time and everything and partying with me and hes been really sweet and shit and chillin with me and then bammm he has a girlfriend again and ofcourse its meghan the girl of his dreams i guess and im not even sure why yea shes a sweet girl and i love her and all but still.....penis......and then lets see who else am i having problems with kyle won't even talk to me because"im retarded" because i went partying this weekend well big fucking deal u know he is so stuck on himself sometimes hes all im not giving you advice anymore and i just wanted to be like when did you ever every time i came to you for advice you never listened the only time you care is when we are talking about you...YOU HAVE BAD TASTE IN WOMEN BECAUSE YOU ARE VERY SUPERFICAL simple as that....don't ask anymore your soooo worried about lookin good in front of your friends so your not a loser or whatever and looks mean the world to you its so sickening....katie is having trouble in paradise i guess matt broke up with her for no reason we have no clue if anything shes been the best girlfriend in the entire world and i would know because she is mine hehe...but matt should be treating her like the queen she is not a piece of shit she'll never be...so you know what yea thats right...matt and abbie are having major problems and its so weird because i don't know shit seems to go down when im around according to matt...we went to eatnpark tonight tasha and ryan were there and so were jesse justin paul john and leighanne it was fun but dave the manager or whatever he is picked me up and carried me out of there and locked me out how rude...i guess now that i think about it i am a natural flirt because i guess i was kind of flirting with justin and i just now realized it sitting here looking back on the situation...well its 5:11 i should go to bed now i'll write more tomorrow prolly.... love you all except a few u know who u are....night 2003-08-07 1:56 a.m. jesse? weird? i really like jesse i really do...but i don't understand ever since i've came home from maine hes been acting so odd...i don't know did i do something? is it even because of me? or has he just been acting like that?? i don't know he keeps calling himself a pompus dick but i don't think so..he told me last night that he had fun at the mall with me and that when im around he always has fun but i don't think he would lie to me about that i don't think he would lie to me at all but who knows maybe he would i dont' really know the guy that well i mean i know him but not inside and out but i would love to change that i know if he gave me a chance i would treat him soo good and i could be good for him and he would totally be good for me he could teach me so many things but thats ok because hes my friend and being my friend is good enough to me...i love having him in my life... Katie is great im so glad i have her in my life shes my best friend shes my sister she helps me no matter what and she has a good head on her shoulders shes wonderful where would i be without you?!?!?! i love you so much if you ever need me just tell me and i'll be there i swear and if matt is still being a dork then he doesn't deserve you...u are a fucking queen and thats all there is to it Melissa is my bestfriend as well i love you we've had many ups and downs ok maybe a couple but i love you u are truely great and you deserved to be treated like gold...michael is the greatest little shit i've ever met ur so lucky to have the greatest little boy in the world when i have time i have to tell you guys all about the party (Comment on this)