Amanda's Blurty
 
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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in Amanda's Blurty:

    Saturday, November 4th, 2006
    8:42 pm
    late night fist fights, half-pipes, & dirt bikes
    Last night, I was hit by a drunk driver on the way home.
    I was at a dead stop, and he blew through a red light, swerved into my lane, and hit me head-on.

    I'm fine. My back is just really messed up and I hit my head on the window.

    Other than that, I just need some music, please?
    Something calm, collected, and perhaps about taking life for granted?
    Something about a guardian angel (besides RJA).

    It would mean a lot to me.

    At least the guy is in prison.
    Friday, June 30th, 2006
    10:04 pm
    I couldn't BEAR to hurt you.
    But it's all so different now.
    The things that I was sure of,
    They have filled me up with doubt.





    Mydoggiedied]:
    8:10 pm
    He's not going to fucking call.
    I could sit by this phone all night.
    But he still won't fucking call.
    5:04 pm
    df
    4:38 pm
    What songs do you put on a CD for a boy you're in love with that likes rap, ska, and rock? I have to leave him in a few days and I want to give him something to remember me by. Please & Thank you. [:
    Friday, March 24th, 2006
    6:47 pm
    THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME
    That I've fallen apart in front of an audience.

    Now that's entertainment,
    To watch me fall apart at the keens,
    And grovel like a slave who,
    Is begging for a little sympathy,
    And you dance around on my broken dreams,
    Celebrated when I made mistakes.
    This song was written about how much I hate you.


    I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. This must be love.
    Thursday, March 16th, 2006
    10:05 pm
    i'm an idiot.
    i was ready to go to bed, so i took a sudafed.
    and then i drank it down with a quick energy shot without thinking.
    and now i'm eating my dinner
    its 10:00 and i probably wont be sleeping tonight.

    sup stupidity?
    Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
    7:17 pm
    sup. i got this glock-k-k
    and i'm ready to use it on a mother fucka
    GET THE HEATER, BRESS
    turn on that music.
    we gotta ride to that shit.

    LOLZ @ random ghetto intros to rap songs.
    Friday, January 6th, 2006
    10:10 pm
    Eminem?
    &&When I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn.
    Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice.
    Just know that I'm looking down on you, smiling.
    && I didn't feel a thing, so baby...
    Don't feel no pain. Just smile back.

    crazy. who knew an eminem song would remind me of my best friend that died in a plane crash about 5 months ago.
    10:10 pm
    Eminem?
    &&When I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn.
    Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice.
    Just know that I'm looking down on you, smiling.
    && I didn't feel a thing, so baby...
    Don't feel no pain. Just smile back.

    crazy. who knew an eminem song would remind me of my best friend that died in a plane crash about 5 months ago.
    10:10 pm
    Eminem?
    &&When I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn.
    Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice.
    Just know that I'm looking down on you, smiling.
    && I didn't feel a thing, so baby...
    Don't feel no pain. Just smile back.

    crazy. who knew an eminem song would remind me of my best friend that died in a plane crash about 5 months ago.
    Saturday, November 26th, 2005
    10:26 pm
    Pack your things. We can leave today.
    I am ready.. to run away with you.
    Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
    7:33 pm
    I remember the day that I sold my smile
    to that nice couple who lost their first son
    Saturday, November 19th, 2005
    8:37 am
    Driving Musica
    Alright, I'm making a CD to drive to since mainstream doesn't play any good music anymore. It's all way too hardcore for the fun drives to the beach and stuff. Soo .. help me out? So far I've got:

    Gorillaz Feel Good Inc.
    The Future Freaks Me Out Motion City Soundtrack
    Weezer     Beverly Hills
    We're All On Drugs Weezer
    Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
    6:42 pm
    My Best Friend Is A Slut.
    By now, you should know
    everything you say
    can and WILL be used against you some day
    I got the microphone, so don't go too far
    Cause I'm gonna tell the whole world
    how you really are
    I don't even care how you're gonna feel.

    yeahhhhh.
    6:40 pm
    Boys, Boys, Boys
    I decided to date my ex boyfriend again. Big Mistake.
    So, he told the entire school we were dating
    & then dumped me at the end of the day.
    But, I have to give him some credit.
    If he wanted it to hurt, it does.
    Because every single fucking time someone comes up to me and says
    "Aw, you and Cody are dating again?"
    I feel like killing them and then myself.
    It sucks.
    I'll get over it, I guess.

    Stick around.
    I'm not the kind of girl you wanna leave.
    You'll see


    Yes, I still like Ashlee Simpson. Idfc what anyone says.
    Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
    2:48 pm
    My "Novella"

    We all get picked on some time in our lives, some more than others. There’s the ugly girl, the annoying girl, the fat kid, the poor kid. It seems like growing up in today’s society means that if you have money or looks you can poke fun at those who don’t. Peer pressure makes it worse. You could be the nicest person in the world and when you’re around that certain group of people, they make it so you don’t even know yourself. The worst thing is, we don’t even realize we’re doing it and that we could be changing people’s lives.. and not for the better.

    Vacation Bible School. I was one of the councilors for our little group, Leo’s Lions. It was an all girl group so I could sense some serious drama coming our way. By the end of the first day, they had settled down into their little groups and it was no mystery who was friends and who weren’t. There was only one little girl left out of the groups. Mary Catherine. She was a lot more overweight than the others. She was the “fat kid” mentioned above. They all poked fun at her, but the worst torment came from the councilors, shamefully one of them being myself. We made fun of her like there was no tomorrow. Some of us even did it to her face. We would make her cry and then make her happy, and then go right back to crying again. I don’t know why we did it. Perhaps it was because it just made us happy to see another girl in pain and it helped us get rid of our anger and stress by taking it out on her. The strange thing? She never stopped liking us. She’d talk to us like we were her best friends and she’d almost ignore the fact that we were teasing her. She talked to me the most, and I was her worst tormenter. I almost felt bad that I was doing it, but I didn’t like her. She was annoying and she made me laugh when she was mad or upset. So, we sat down one day and she pushed her little prayer card towards me. “Can you read this while I say it? I want to see if I’ve memorized it.” Reluctantly I took it and looked at it. The Our Father stared at me in the face. The only thing I remember thinking was How on earth can she just not know the Our Father? I’ve known it since I was a baby. But, her little trembling mouth formed the words and her voice stumbled a bit as she read it. My eyes closed as she said it, remembering all those times we’d poked fun at her.



    Our Father Who Art In Heaven
    Hallowed Be Thy Name

    “Mary Catherine, go sit down for the rest of snack. You aren’t allowed to talk to anyone else. Don’t even look at anyone else.” I said.
    “And stop crying. You’re going into 4th grade. stop being such a baby.” Lindsay added. Mary Catherine slowly made her way over to the bench where she started crying, her head in her hands, refusing to look up.
    “Hilary.. go tell her she can get up.” I whispered to a different councilor who wasn’t in charge of our group. Hilary went over to Mary Catherine, telling her that she was free to leave the little spot we had put her in. Mary smiled, got up, and started walking towards the court.
    “WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?!” I practically screamed at her. “GO SIT DOWN. NO ONE TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD GET UP.”
    She looked at me with eyes covered in tears and stuttered, “B-b-b-but Hilary t-t-told me I c-c-could.”
    “Hilary’s not in charge of you. Just go sit down before I call your mom.” I smirked as she went to sit down again, sobs almost taking over her body. Once she was out of earshot, we all started laughing. We had a right to.. she was such a baby, right?

    Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
    On earth as it is in heaven.

    “You’ve got something brown on your pants.” Lindsay said.
    “WHERE?!” Mary ran into the bathroom and planted herself in front of the mirror, looking desperately for the stain. She found it and ran again to the sink to put some water on a paper towel. The mark still wouldn’t come out. “Oh.. must have been a cookie I sat on or something.”
    “Actually, I think you pooped your pants.” Lindsay remarked.
    “No.”
    “Aw.. let’s just get out of here MC Poopy Pants.” I said. Tears started forming in the back of her eyes as she left the bathroom, walking down the hallway, her palm covering the stain on her butt, as tears welled up in her eyes.

    Give us this day our daily bread,
    And forgive us our trespasses.

    Mary Catherine stood under the gym, bouncing her big red ball. I knew how she would react if some one took it away from her, so I just had to do it. Mason, one of the many problem children in our groups was going to be the one who did it. I tapped him on the shoulder and made him go over and take the big red ball. She screamed and started chasing him around the gym. By now, she had run to the councilors, crying telling us she wanted her ball back. We just tried not to laugh. She started crying harder and Chris ran away from the councilors, returning with a whole box of cookies. He gave them to her and her face changed from one of complete depression to the biggest smile in the world, one that could warm the coldest person’s heart. Not mine. Not the other councilors. For, we had Mason run to her, take them, and then eat them in front of her. It gave us something to laugh at and made us feel better. Right.

    As we forgive those
    Who trespass against us.

    “Mary, close your legs, we’re at Bible School, not Nebraska Avenue.”
    “Mary.. would you stop that?”
    “Stop being such a baby Mary Catherine.”
    “MC Poopy Pants!”
    “Look at her. She’s so ugly and so fat. Glad I wasn’t like her when I was little.”
    “Is she trying to make the song sexy? Cause that’s something she’ll never be.”
    All the things I had ever said about this sweet little girl swirled through my head and almost made me dizzy.

    And lead us not into temptation
    But deliver us from every evil.


    She finished, jumping up and yelling a thanks before running to her mother and giving her a big hug, chattering away about what kind of day she had. I sat there, almost in tears. It seemed like this girl just couldn’t be crushed. Her spirit was so strong that she could be made fun of every second and still be bouncing around at the end of the day. I was once told that God gave only the strong such disabilities. He gave me one. I was told that if it wasn’t for what happened to me, I wouldn’t be such a great person. I don’t deserve to be teased because I’m a little different, so why should she? Why should she have to fall victim to other’s stress and anger? She shouldn’t, and neither should any other kid who’s a little different from anyone else. If she hadn’t of asked me to listen to her say the Our Father, I think I would still be the same, but I’m not. I don’t think it was her doing that made her want to memorize that prayer for me. I think that maybe someone above is watching out for us, and he needed to give me a reality check. I thank him for that.

    Thursday, November 18th, 2004
    10:11 pm

    i took one last look at myself in the mirror by the front door. i was so happy that i was actually looking nice for school for once. today, i just wanted people to notice me. i just wanted to feel special. my hair was neatly "scrunched" (it did it naturally unless i blow-dryed it then it was straight -- but i would always add a touch of hairspray so the scrunch would last), i had a blue shirt with a lacy cami underneath, with my ripped jeans and a star belt. my make-up was done rather well. i actually looked amazingly pretty. i walked out the door with a smile on my face and climbed into the car...
    i got lots of nice looks and people noticed me. and for today i felt pretty. all my troubles seemed to float away, when that hott guy that sits next to me in health started flirting. maybe i should do this every day.
    in the hallway right before eighth period i ran into a fellow amanda. we had gone to school for 9 years before highschool so we knew eachother pretty well, but she was just...sluttier and i-dont-care-er than me. her algebra book fell to the floor and i quickly bent down to pick it up.
    "why do you look so sad?" she asked. i didnt answer. i couldnt believe she had noticed that i was sad? i was actually in a pretty good mood. she continued, "because you've got absolutely no reason to be sad."
    "what do you mean?" i finally answered
    "only the fact that you're like perfect. all the guys want to know you, and the ones that do dont appreciate what they have. and its just not fair that you lead the perfect preppy, look at me life while the rest of us get to have problems."
    problems? what are her problems? that some ugly guy doesnt like her like she wants him to? i think i have more problems than if people like me or not. perfect lifestyle? getting used and treated like dirt is the perfect lifestyle? what world does she live in? obviously not mine.

    -*-

    i was standing near justin for two full minutes before he noticed that i was standing there. he turned and picked me up with a huge hug and twirled me around. "HEY BEAUTIFUL!" was the greeting i got. "hey justin" was the one i returned.
    "lets go be friends" i gave him a blank look. "...with benefits" he included.
    ah, that cleared things up. i got in the truck, he started her up and we headed off into the sunset...
    Thursday, November 11th, 2004
    4:46 pm
    and i let you get the best of me, 'cause there's nothing i do better
    The boat rocked gently. I sat beside Bryce and Collen, all in our bikinis laying out while "the boys" fished. The quiet finally got the better of me and I sat up to see what was going on. Everyone was looking at Ryan as he attempted to tie one of the knots that he always bragged about. Lately, he had been bragging about a lot of things. He bragged about his hunting skills, all the country cds he had, how many fish he could catch, how much of a redneck he was...just so he could fit in with one particular group. He failed to tie the knot and frustrated, threw everything down. He looked over at me and i shrugged. If it werent for my sunglasses, he would have seen the glare i was giving him. I was beginning to hate him. I didnt understand why he would change himself to be a part of a group that liked people for who they were. Sure, they all had things in common but the great part of the group was that they were all different. There were redneck wanna-bes, rednecks, preps, and some emo kids such as myself and Colleen, and Casey. Well, Casey fit in with everyone. He was just Casey.
    I sunk back down and let the rays warm my body. It was my first couple months in highschool and I was already beginning to despise it. Everyone needed to start drama to live. It was insane. Nobody could live their lives...they gotta go out and make everything a big fucking soap opera so they can sit back with a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the mayhem they created.
    I felt sleepy and closed my eyes, letting the gentle sway of the boat rock me to sleep...
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