Randy, Miranda, Bullfrog Unknown's journal

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Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
10:03 am - Iam Boring
Well nothings really new iam just bored sitting at school....break time! i totally kick math's ass! but other than that nothing is all that new.... but iam now once again hardcore obsessed with snake river conspiracy. I was going through all my old CD's and shit like that the other night just ot see what i had and i found the snaker river conspiracy disc which kicks some major ass and makes me wonder why it was banished to the CD rack in the first place.

Do you not see how sad iam people....IAM TALKING ABOUT MY CD'S i have no life anymore...back in the day i used to do shit but now all i do is work school and home nothing else all that interesting...iam go to joels thats the only place i go to on a regular basis and all we do is smoke cigarettes and watch TV. but i don't have TV so i can see why that amazes me so much in the first place. But my life is oficially lacking and it all happened so gradually that i didn't even notice......I HAVE BECOME SUBURBAN!! but i guess it could be worse i could be dead or in jail or rehab. so i don't know why ima complaining.. Iam really bored well i think iam gonna fly.

Love Peace and Chicken Grease

current music: Got to Give it Up- Marvin Gaye

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Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
10:00 am
Well....everything is fucked.....WE ARE ON THE UPSWING!!.....major drama now and iam just bathing in the glory of it all. I never get involved yet iam somehow in the background of the situation... iam to conniving to get caught minipulating people....well minipulate is a harsh word i think i will use toy instead.. Iam toying with people. Yet the stakes are real. Events are unfolding as i prophecied and now it is getting really fun. My horns are sticking out. And the clock has started. Let the Countdown Begin.......

current mood: rejuvenated
current music: Comfort Eagle - Cake

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Monday, January 16th, 2006
12:31 pm - Michelles a Whore
Ok...Well i went to the bar on Saturday with people that i haven't seen since high school which was a real trip to say the least. I nearly got in a fight with carmen becuase i felt the need to call his girlfriend a whore and that she should take care of her kids and she is dirty and all of that kind of shit which was great i actually tried to provoke him to hit me and his bitch ass girlfriend didn't even have the balls to look me in the face....and everyone though i was being a toatal bitch but if she spent more time with her five year old hid that rarley get to eat becuase she never feeds him the i would have maybe some repect for her but she has no respect for herself so why should i give her any.. parents that spend more time trying to get laid and shitfaced insead of worrying about thier children piss me off. Maybe becuase i used to be one of those kids. And if i see that mother fucking bitch again and she tries to run her mouth i will shut her the fuck up so fast it will make her head spin...i really wish carmen would have picked a fight with me it would have given me some satisfaction to kick that motherfuckers ass..that kid needs a wicked attitude adjustment and iam just the one to give it to him....

current mood: chipper
current music: Fire-Joe Budden

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Thursday, December 22nd, 2005
9:40 am - thang

current mood: amused
current music: Complicated - Breach of Trust

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Friday, December 9th, 2005
11:47 am
so new and crazy events are now unfolding athey are driging me becuase iam not shure what is going on anymore and christmas is comping upon us pretty soon and i have done jack shit ofr that seasonal holiday and i don't think that there is a whole lot that iam willing to dso for this joyful holiday becasue it is just sucking the balls for me right now andi am snot shure what i want to do for this holiday because my mom has gone totally skitzo and there is basicvally no one else to hang out with becuase everyoine has gone crazy and i just don't know it iam will to take on that great resopnsibility because iam a totoal chicken shit as everyone knows

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Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
12:20 pm - Shit Getting Crazy
Iam not a fulltime motherfucking student!! Booyah Bitches I totally rock the casbah!! I get paid to go to school how many of you can say the same!!!!

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Friday, November 25th, 2005
12:55 pm
Well i got funded and i start on Monday which is kick ass but iam so not looking forward to it at all....

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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
7:10 pm - The end of the World
So i have been at my mom's place for nearly a week due to my near breakdown...but its all good i still feel like a fucking basketcase but thats life...my ma's getting real down about this whole christmas thing because itsthe first one with out gramma. But Iam here but its basically like the blind leading the blind because we are so emontionally fucked up about the whole situation. And my dad was never there for Christmas so its not like that is a big thing for me but i still get fucking depressed about how now he will never ever be there because he is dead.

Everyone looks at me like Iam fucking wierd for being so blunt and callous about talking about him But iam still pretty fucking pissed off. He was never there and he never made any attept to be there. And he left me in the clutches in my used-to-be Psychotic Mother. And if everyone knew the whole story maybe they would be so quick to judge me on the way i talk about him...but fuck everyone else. Its not like it was their father so why thefuck should they have a problem with it.

current mood: blank
current music: Lemon-Katy Rose

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Monday, November 21st, 2005
12:16 pm - Chicken Without Head
I don't know what iam doing anymore, Iam not sure if I am coming or going I want to go and drink my face off but i know that will do me no good. I just have no idea how to handle this at all.I feel like iam running but not moving and i just don't know how to handle that . I just want things to be the way that they were before all this bullshit. But they will never be the same..I just keep going over all the awful things i have thought and said but never ment and there is no way that i can take those back.

I wished my Dad had died so many times but i never really wanted it to happen I was just angry that he was never here. And now he will never ever be here again there is no chance of it ever again. And i don't know how i can grieve so hard over someone that i hardly knew, I just think its the whole idea that that is the final curtian that there will never be any encore its just so definate. i mean before there was always a little bit of hope that we could reconcile but now there is no chance of that ever happening and now for all the milestones in my life like my wedding or the birth of my first child he will never be there for those things and i think that hurts me more than anything. its just so final and past the point of no return.

My grandmother was the person I was closest to in my life. she was my heart and soul . and now that she is gone i just don't know what to do. she was my strength and my joy. And now it feels like i have no sun in my life and everything is just black. I miss her more than anyone. I was closer to her than my mother and my friends. She never regectedme for any reason not like everyone else and now that she is gone i feel so dead inside. i just want her back but i know that i will never get her back. its way to soon for the end. I never apperciated the times with her and now iam paying the price.

Iam just not sure how to deal with all this loss it seems like everywhere i look there is death and Iam not sure how much more of this i can take. Everyone has thier breaking point. and i feel so stupid for feeling like my world is ending where there are people in this like with bigger tragedy's that have lost thier whole families andiam just crying over my gramdmother and my father. but i can't help the way that i feel. I just don't know what iam doing sometimes the pain is just overwheling and then other times iam just numb. I don't know how much longer i can do this.everything i see reminds me of them. iam just not sure how to deal iam starting to scare myself.

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11:37 am - Pain
I miss them so much i don't know how to make it end. It hurts to the point it cripples me but it never seems to heal. I hurt want things to be the way that they were...It still may have been fucked up but at least i still had them here and not thatthey are dead there is no chance of ever reconciling....i will never have alll the people i love at the most important parts of my life...I miss them so much...i don't know how much longer i can do this.... i just never seems to get better....for all the times i told them i hated them and wished they had died i never really ment it now i wish i never had said that......and i wish i had spent more time with them but i didn';t be cause i wasn't thinking long term and now i realize how selfish i was and how i should have appreciated the little moments with them instead of wishing i was out with my friends...i have so many regrest things i wish i would have done or said and now that they are gone there is nothing i can do or say because it is just to late....and i think iam having a hard time accepting that. I don't know how iam going to live with myself i doesn't seem like it is getting better at all... i try and telll myself that iam going to be fine but i know that it is just a lie and that i will never be the same....i should have treasured the moment without taking them for granted but i didn't....i just don't know what iam going to do....and iam staying strong for my mom but iam not shure how long that will last becase iam having a hard time keeping it together and i just want to scream until i have no breath and curse God for takingt hem away from me...i just didn't have enough time...or i did have enough time and i just wasted it, Iam not sure which one probobly both. i just want to run away from all of this but i know that it will follow me where everi go.Everything is just do fucked up.It hurts so bad it's suffocating me and pressing all the air out of me .. it feels like a pile of bricks on my chest. I just don't know what to do I don't know how to make it stop.

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2:04 am - Life Sucks
well here is the update my dad and my grandmother are dead.. and my aunt and 2 of my cousins are now dying. I don't think this going to bethe best year of my life or anything shit just feels really fucked up andthere doesn't seem to be anyway to control any of it...Iam getting very frustrated by all the uncontrolable situations in my life. Butthere is nothing that i can do about any of it. The end of my world keeps sinking inc loser and closer to the point of total annihilation. But this to shall pass...

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Thursday, August 4th, 2005
11:57 am - Shit
Hey i have no idea what the fuck is going on with my life and shit it just seems to be getting more and more complicated every damn fucking day which is confusing the shit right out of me and iam not shure what to do about all this shit and just to put the cherry on the fuckng cake my ex is moving to calgary with us but i think something unfortunate might happen to him so that he can't go which would be kick ass and shit but other than that i have no fucking idea as to how to approacjh this cuz by the time that we move we shure as fuck won't have enough money to save to get shit settled down there so i have no fucking clue as to to how to approach this and i know that i keep repeating myself anf my grammar is shit but its my fucking journal so get the fuck outta here and shit so you know how crap is.And if ya don't fuck you up yiour stupid ass

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Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
5:49 pm - Wierdness
So i think that i just might move to calagary for the hell of it. but iam not quite shure how to go about this. the friend that wants me to move in with her is llike a clean freek and iam far from that so either one of us will kill the other and since i think she can whip my ass if she feels like it i think that i will be the one taking the long dirt nap which iam not all that intresrted in right now. and i think that she is trying th hook me up with one of her friends but i think that would wierd me out a lil bit cuz i swore to myself that i would not date another indian for the rest of my life.I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT ABOUT INDIANS SEEING AS IAM ONE AND ALL THAT SHIT I THINK I JUST NEED TO GET MY CRAP NORMALIZED A BIT.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
12:28 am - Chickidee
Its my butcher block birthday......what is a butcherblock birthday you may ask... well iam not goign to tell you but all you need to know is it is MY butcherblock birthday

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Monday, April 19th, 2004
10:13 pm - Insane shit flinging
So iam sitting here andiam thinking about alot of stuff and how the shit seems to be hitting the fan in every direction which sucks alot and it seems that i always get dragged into the middle of it all and that sucks harcore for me and i don't like it at all because i had nothing to do with any of it and i think iam gonna go and ponder sum more

current music: die on a rope- the distillers

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Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
I think i had a pretty good day today it started out pretty crappy becuse everyone was in a really bad mood in the moring but then by the afternoon everyone was pretty good apperantly ima a pro at doign the robot. ITS MAD CRAZY but besides that i made a total ass out of myself but the fact is i have no shame so that works out pretty good for me because i can make a total ass out of my self and everyone thinks oh that just her doign her thing so that is pretty good nothing really eventful happened to me inthe past month evcept i went and got ahmmered and all hell broke loose but what do you expect when you drink. i have a song goign through my head and i like the song but seeing as it has been in my head all day it is gett pretty annoying. i think iam gonna go now but i don't know if i want to go but hey that is ok i think iam goign to go get some kool aid becasue i like kool aid

current mood: energetic
current music: patience- guns and roses

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Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
12:54 am - stuff
Iam roight bored it is like 1 in the morning and there is nothing to do.....my eyelids feel really heavy and my arms feel heavy too.... i think i want kool-aid

current mood: tired

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Saturday, March 27th, 2004
2:44 pm - FOOLISH
The simple fact is that the cure rocks i lovwe thier music and i don't know where this sudden obession for the cure came from i just heard that one song and now iam hooked or should i say re-hooked. my life is pretty damn shitty but i just think that iam spoilt and don't apperciate what i got because iam constantly greedy... well that is just my perspective.my stomach is really hurting my i seeem to have some damn cramps it royally sucks last night i went out and got hardcore smashed there goes my year of soberity. Iam still pretty pissed off at my self for making such a foolish decision. but you can't change the past and i will just have to accept what i have done. and i think i can do that.but i think i really need a smoke and i want my mother to hurry the hell up with my smokes oh well ill be back

current mood: pissed off
current music: yellow brick alleyway

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Thursday, March 11th, 2004
8:11 pm - Stressed
i feel stressed iam failing all my classes and i don't know what to do about it i feeel incredibly stressed i have to do a shitload of work and i can't do it all becfuase its so damn much... but i can prolly do some of it during march break.....but its march break*tear* blah

current mood: stressed

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Monday, March 1st, 2004
9:30 am - YEAH BABY

I did it in 5 seconds.
I deserved an A++!!
Take the How Dexterous Are You? Quiz!!


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