today seems brighter.   
11:41am 26/11/2003
 
mood: perky
music: FATA
ok well so far today has been good. i don't have to work, i slept in, and i'm hanging out with Lee<3 tonight. how awesome am i? no need to answer because we all know the answer. my awesomeness cannot even be measured.

but anyway i have no idea what to get people for x-mas. i mean i have an idea and it's awesome but still.

i've decided that everyone who means a lot to me will get a homemade present. oh it comes from the heart, it'll be great.

ok i'm off to be super cool.
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
fuck everything. i'm fucking tired of you.   
11:43pm 25/11/2003
 
mood: irate
music: fuck music, that asshole listens to music
ok you know what. fuck you. "you" know who you are. you are the shittiest excuse for a person i have ever met. one day you say i'm your best friend then the next you fucking tell me that you don't ever want to talk to me again. so you know what i'm making the decision for you. don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't think of me, don't dream of me, forget that i even exist. i will do the same for you. if you see me on the street look the other way and continue walking. if you see me bleeding on the sidewalk turn the fuck around and walk the other way. i would rather bleed to death then accept your help. i don't know why you think you can treat people like this. you're not that special. i don't understand you. you think you can talk shit about me and i won't find out. keep your mouth shut or i'll shut it for you. and if you think that this is just an idol threat then talk shit.

so here's a big FUCK YOU! and i hope you have a horrible life.

*you will be getting this in an email as well, but i posted this just in case you didn't read your mail*
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
not much better.   
12:23pm 25/11/2003
 
mood: blank
music: Converge!
well so far today hasn't been all that bad. i went out to breakfast at like 4 o'clock this morning with Corey, Lee, Jacob and Scott. that was interesting to say the least. you've got to love waffle house at 4 in the morning. it was quite scary actually. i wasn't hungry at all so i didn't eat. but they all decided to clean out the place. not that any of them can really eat all that much there considering they're all either vegetarian or vegan. so they ate a lot of toast. yeah how lame is that.

but today i'm supposed to go shopping with Joy and Rachel. hmmm. should be fun. i actually have money. wow, didn't think i'd ever be able to say that. but yes, it's true.

then tonight i'm supposed to hang out with Zane, but i don't know if i will. he kind of pissed me off last night. he said some rather mean things. he said he was just kidding but the tone in his voice was sooo serious.

blah i just want to move away from everyone and everything. i'm so tired of all the bullshit drama and stupid people talking about the same old stupid stuff. i thought the drama was supposed to end after high school. it only intensified in the life of me. not cool at all.

but alas i shall stay here and be miserable.
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
if today gets any better i'll be rolling in glass by midnight.   
11:00pm 24/11/2003
 
mood: complacent
music: The Neverending Story
ok so today i was awaken by a 9:30AM phone call. this is what was said.
Brooke's mom: Amanda?
me: uh yeah?
Brooke's mom: *crying hysterically* Brooke....*more crying*
me: what's wrong?
Brooke's dad: *slight sniffling* Brooke was in a car accident this morning.
me: is she ok?
Brooke's dad: no, she's...she's...passed away.
me: oh my god.
Brooke's dad: we just thought that you may want to know. Brooke considered you to be a very close friend.
me: *thinking to myself: damn i haven't talked to her in like 2 years* well if there's anything i can do just let me know.
Brooke's dad: we appreciate that very much. but we have to go. we love you.
me: i love you too and i'm very sorry.
the end.

needless to say that is never a good way to start a day. wow, did you see that? that totally rhymed! i called in sick to work today. blah.

for some reason i was unbelievably popular today. but around 11:30ish i got a call from and unknown number. i almost didn't answer, but then i did. and it was James. who at that time i liked and he supposedly liked me. so then we proceeded to have a conversation. and somewhere within this conversation we made plans to hang out tonight. which in my head i was screaming with excitement. i had been waiting for him to ask me to hang out with him for oh i don't know how long and it finally happened. i was overjoyed. so then the conversation ended. i had things to do.

ok so i do the things i had to do. and i come home about an hour before our scheduled hang out time, which was supposed to be around 8:30ish, so i'm driving over to his house and as i'm pulling into his appartment complex i see him leaving his appartment complex in this nasty whore's car named Jenn. i was crushed. he just looked at me and then looked away. i felt like a complete idiot. like i was the most hated person on earth. i hate that feeling. i didn't think i could feel that way. for a person of such high self-esteem as myself this was a very difficult thing. so i turned my car around and headed to a real friends house. i hung out for a while but after about an hour i decided that i would just come home and watch The Neverending Story. that movie is better then a therapist. so that will be the last time that i ever talk to James. i'm soo glad i found out what he's really like before i got involved with him.
(would you look at that. as i was writing this James called and tried to apologize for what had happened. i quickly and promptly hung up on his sorry ass)

so now i'm sitting here watching The Neverending Story, again, thinking about why i waste my time with guys that i know are just assholes and aren't worth my precious time.

i met somebody on myspace that is the guy version of myself. which is kind of scary. we think alike and we almost have the same hair. except mine is better. he is beautiful just like me only i'm starting to think that he is more beautiful on the inside than i am. which i wish i could be just as beautiful on the inside as i am on the outside. the only problem is that he lives in Florida. not horribly far away but still a good distance. this kid is great. i don't know what it is about him. like i probably sound crazy but after the first few times i talked to him i felt like i had a connection with him. and then he called me a couple of days ago and we talked for like 3 hours or something crazy like that. he has a really cute voice. wow, i sound like an obcessed 14 year old girl. crazy. but anyway, if i ever meet this kid i will make him marry me. that is all there is to it. <3

ok enough with the obcessive stuff, i couldn't be lucky enough to have a guy like Luke. i only get assholes.

hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. i have tomorrow off of work. how awesome am i? you have no idea.
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
ohhh yeah.   
08:48pm 23/11/2003
 
mood: sad
music: Eighteen Visions
+ I am not: happy.
+ I hurt: in my head.
+ I love: driving really fast and making fun of people.
+ I hate: everyone. yes even you.
+ I fear: cockroaches and scary gas station people.
+ I hope: that I find somebody that makes me happy.
+ I crave: true love.
+ I regret: nothing.
+ I cry: when I’m frusterated.
+ I care: about the people I’m close to.
+ I always: hold back.
+ I long: for winter to start.
+ I feel alone: a lot.
+ I listen: when I want to.
+ I hide: my true feelings.
+ I drive: ok most of the time.
+ I sing: in the shower and in the car.
+ I dance: when I’m happy
+ I write: in my journal. But not as much as I used to.
+ I breathe: and hope to not stop anytime soon.
+ I play: head games with myself.
+ I miss: the old me.
+ I search: things/people that make me happy.
+ I learn: something new everyday.
+ I feel: like I have forgotten who I am.
+ I know: I’m still the hottest girl in the world. ever.
+ I say: a lot of things that will never make sense.
+ I succeed: when I try.
+ I fail: at nothing.
+ I dream: about the most mundane things.
+ I wonder: why I dont go out more often anymore.
+ I want: to meet someone who kisses for a reason.
+ I worry: about my future.
+ I wish: I were in college.
+ I have: everything I need.
+ I fight: when I have to.
+ I wait: for just the right opportunity.
+ I need: more sleep then I get.
+ I am: awesome.
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
alright.   
12:47pm 23/11/2003
 
mood: happy
music: Cursive
setting: my room watching Suicide Kings
characters: me and Corey
lines:
me: "do you hate me?"
Corey: "no"
me: "ok, prove it"
Corey: *kisses me*

so that is what took place in my room last night. nothing more then the kiss though. i'm not that big of a whore. but it was nice. but with that kiss i realized something. i don't like him as much as i thought i did. it's weird how that can happen sometimes. and i'm rather disappointed in myself. there i am with a very very scorching hot boy kissing me and i feel nothing. there is definitely something wrong with me. a month ago if he had kissed me i probably would have peed my pants.

but anyway the DG show last night went rather well. they played better then they have in a long time. and EACK did good as well. Each Passing Moment and Enable Kain didn't show up. i was a little upset about that. the place they played at was right next door to a strip club. so we all went over there before the show. i realized that i hate strip clubs with a passion. it was just plain nasty. all the girls smelled really bad and not one of them was hot.

i have today off. thank god, i'm exhausted, but i have an emense amount of cleaning to do. i've been neglecting that. and it's just nasty. it will be ok though.

this week is thanksgiving. and for me that doesn't mean much.

the day after thanksgiving i'm going to some house party for Matt from Sadie Mae's birthday.should be fun, EACK is playing and i'm friends with them so i'll know people. yay!

deep thought of the day:
you lose; i win!
you're ugly; i'm pretty!
you suck; i RULE!
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
me.   
05:52pm 21/11/2003
  i am...
happy.
confused.
frustrated.
annoying.
stupid at times.
clever at times.
smart.
boring.
cute.
vengeful.
a good listener.
good friend.
agnostic.
silly.
argumentative.
crazy.
moody.
expressive.
out-going.
nerdy.
geeky.
straight edge.
vegan.
emotional.
passionate.
logical.
practical.
optimistic.
pessimistic.
spiteful.
aggressive.
determined.
sexy.
amusing.
resentful.
lazy.
daring.
adventurous.
mischievous.
trustworthy.
loyal.
friendly.
mean.
girly.
flirty.
lame.
pierced.
tattooed.
loved.
hated.
dying.
morbid.
awesome.
weird.
lovable.
confident.
tough.
envied.
sarcastic.
witty.
regretful.
pretty.
apathetic.
bitchy.
cynical.
skeptical.
depressed.
ditzy.
dorky.
lonely.
angry.
worried.
wishful.
searching.
indescribable.
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
update...dang.   
05:23pm 21/11/2003
 
mood: optimistic
music: FATA
so yes. nothing too exciting is going on.

wow, i hate having nothing at all to say about my life. although with past situations i should be overjoyed at the fact of having nothing to write about. for the first time in about 6 months or so there is no drama. nothing. but for some reason i'm not happy. i just can't seem to make myself happy and all the things that used to make me happy just seem stupid.

i need to go to like Tibet or Nepal or somewhere and "find myself." it's like i've lost sense of who i am. i don't know why, well actually i do, and regret is how i spell his name. but anyways, today i thought a lot about what i want from my life and the person i want to be. and i realized that the person i want to be is right under the surface but i can't seem to bring it out. i can feel it inside of me but it's like i'm afraid to be "me." i don't know why. 2 years ago people loved me i was considered "awesome." but now i hear that these same people that called me awesome are now calling me a bitch and talking about how i was once awesome. and that is just horrible. i've been demoted from awesome to bitch. that is a far fall.

but anyway, as i've been sitting here writting this i've realized something else. these people that call me such names don't matter. and i need to stop dwelling on the past and move on with my life and realize that there are people that enjoy being my friend and that i am awesome.

i'm turning over a new leaf in my life, so to speak. i'm going to just carry on and not worry about all the petty bullshit and just live my life for me. i sound really selfish but i don't really care, i've brought a lot of unwanted drama upon myself by trying to help people and i'm through. if somebody wants my help then they can present their problem to me and at that time i will decided if it demands my attention.
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
   
05:18pm 20/11/2003
 
mood: extremely boredddd.
music: Avenged Sevenfold
I AM: very bored.
I WANT: to be happy.
I HAVE: nothing to do this weekend.
I WISH: I had never met him.
I HATE: a few people.
I FEAR: scary gas station people and cockroaches.
I HEAR: my dog barking.
I SEARCH: for what makes me happy.
I WONDER: if I will ever find what makes me happy.
I REGRET: nothing.
I LOVE: my friends.
I ACHE: in my head.
I ALWAYS: seem to wait for things that I know will never happen.
I AM NOT: always mean to everyone.
I DANCE: to ska.
I SING: in the shower and in the car.
I CRY: once in a while for stupid reasons.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: annoying.
I WRITE: not frequently enough in my journal.
I WIN: always.
I LOSE: never.
I CONFUSE: everyone.
I NEED: to find people who will hang out with me everytime im bored.
I SHOULD: be moving on.

YES or NO:

x. YOU KEEP A DIARY: online journal.
x. YOU LIKE TO COOK: spaghetti.
x. YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: sure.
x. YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: yes.

THE WEIRDEST PERSON YOU KNOW: Zane.
THE LOUDEST PERSON YOU KNOW: me.
THE SEXIEST PERSON YOU KNOW: I don’t think I know sexy people.
THE CUTEST PERSON YOU KNOW: everyone who is not ugly as shit.
CLOSEST FRIEND: Joy.
THE LAST IMAGE/THOUGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH: uh huh.
INSIDE JOKE: lame.


DO YOU...?

HAVE A CRUSH: yes. im hopelessly tragically deeply madly in love.
WANT TO GET MARRIED: perhaps.
GET MOTION SICKNESS: no.
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: no.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: no.
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: not when I’m driving.
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: black.
EYE COLOR: blue/green.
BIRTHPLACE: Atlanta, GA.

FAVORITES:
NUMBER: 14.
COLOR: silver, pink, black.
DAY: Friday.
MONTH: october.
SONG(S): I’ll stop the world.
SEASON: fall.
DRINK: apple juice.

PREFERENCES:
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: make out.
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: neither.
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: none.
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: neither.


IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? No.
HELPED SOMEONE? Maybe.
BOUGHT SOMETHING? Yes.
GOTTEN SICK? Yes.
GONE TO THE MOVIES? Unfortunately not.
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? Yes.
SAID 'i love you'?: no.
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: no.
TALKED TO AN EX?: yes unfortuantely.
MISSED AN EX? : no.
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: no never.
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: maybe.
MISSED SOMEONE? Yes.
HUGGED SOMEONE? It wasn’t really a hug.
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? no.
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? no.

Would you ever:
1. Eat a bug?: no.
2. Bungee jump?: no.
4. Kill someone? god yes.
5. Kiss someone of the same sex? No.
6. Have sex with someone of the same sex?: no.
7. Parachute from a plane? no.
8. Walk on hot coals? yes because they're actually not hot coals, they are rocks that absorb the heat so the tops are nice and cool. DUH.
9. Go out with someone for their looks? sure.
11. Be a vegetarian? How about vegan?
12. Wear plaid with stripes? sure.
13. IM a stranger?: sure.
14. Sing Karaoke? i have.
15. Get drunk off your ass? No.
16. Shoplift? Is stealing sugar caddies considered shoplifting?
17. Run a red light? No.
18. Star in a porn video? no.
19. Dye your hair blue? i have already.
20. Be on Survivor? no i like being clean too much.
21. Wear makeup in public?: i do it all the time.
22. Not wear makeup in public? probably not.
23. Cheat on a test? Yes.
24. Make someone cry? Not if I can help it.
25. Date someone more than 10 years older than you? ew. im like, 9.
26. Stay up all night? Sure.

that was lame.
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
   
05:11pm 19/11/2003
 
mood: bored
music: 18 Visions
[layerone]
name: Amanda .
birth date: 1.14.84.
birthplace: Atlanta, GA.
current location: Dallas, NC.
eye color: blue or green, they change.
hair color: black.
height: 5’6”.
righty or lefty: righty.
zodiac sign: capricorn.

[layertwo]
your heritage: irish and scottish.
shoes worn today: maryjanes.
your weakness: guys.
your fears: cockroaches and nasty gas station guys.
your perfect pizza: no cheese.
goal you'd like to achieve: to be happy again.

[layerthree]
your most overused phrase on aim: “true.”
your first thought after waking up: “do I really want to wake up?”
your best physical feature: eyes.
your bedtime: usually between 12:30 and 2:30.

[layerfour]
pepsi or coke: Sprite.
mcdonald's or burger king: neither.
single or group dates: single... not that i even remeber what that is.
adidas or nike: Converse.
lipton ice tea or nestea: no tea, thanks.
chocolate or vanilla: neither.
cappuccino or coffee: neither.

[layerfive]
smoke: no.
cuss: fuck.
sing: in the shower and in the car.
take a shower everyday: sometimes twice.
have a crush: i did, realized it wasn't ever going to happen, so now i don't, at least for now, but what's the point anyway.
do you think you've been in love: yes.
want to go to college: yes.
like high school: no.
want to get married: perhaps.
believe in yourself: absolutely.
get motion sickness: no.
think you're attractive: of course.
think you're a health freak: not at all.
get along with your parents: no is an understatement.
like thunderstorms: sure, unless i have somewhere to go.
play an instrument: doesn’t that take talent?

[layersix] in the past month have you-
drank alcohol: no.
smoked: no.
done a drug: no.
had sex: no.
made out: yes.
gone on a date: yes.
gone to the mall: yes.
eaten an entire box of oreo's: stupid, stupid question... no.
eat sushi: no.
been on stage: no.
gone skating: no.
made homemade cookies: no.
gone skinny dipping: no.
dyed your hair: yes.
stolen anything: no.


[layerseven]
age you hope to be married: whenever it happens.
# and name of children: blah.
describe your dream wedding: getting married to a person that I love and truly loves me.
how do you want to die: tragically and on national television with everyone i have ever known watching.
where do you want to go to college: UNCC.
what do you want to be when you grow up: happy.
what country would you most like to visit: Ireland or Italy.

[layereight] in the opposite/or same sex-
best eye color: doesn't matter.
best hair color: doesn't really matter, but i have a thing for guys with black hair.
short or long hair: inbetween.
height: taller.
best articles of clothing: tight shirts.

[layernine]
# of drugs taken illegally: I have no idea.
# of people i could trust my life: i used to have a few people in here, but aside from myself... like, maybe one.
# of cds that i own: around 100.
# of piercings: 11 at the moment.
# of tattoos: there's a few i'd rather forget.
# of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: once or twice in elementry school.
# of scars on my body: a few, nothing too big though.
# of things in my past that i regret: the funny thing about regret is... things i regret that i have done... 3 or 4. things i regret that i haven't done/followed through with... 1.
 
     

(pour your heart out)

 
to him   
05:08pm 16/11/2003
 
mood: angry
music: who needs music when you've got drama.
One day you'll come to me and ask me what's more important: You or my life. I'll say my life and you'll walk away never knowing that you're my life.


I hate you so much. So why can't I stop loving you? I think of you and imagine you in the same pain you put me through every day. But in the end of my fantasy, it's always me who's comforting you.


I want you to hurt, i want you to cry. So why do I want to heal your heart and dry your tears?


I live for the day that you'll talk to me without animosity again. But the thought of your voice is like walking on pins and needles. I never want to talk to you again. I wouldn't care if you fell off the face of the earth. Or would I follow you right off?


Your existance is a constant paradox to me. I love you and i hate you at the same time.


I rarely think of you anymore. I can go days without you grazing my thoughts. But when you do...you consume me. My body beats to the thought of you. My toes tingle with the rememberance of your feet intertwined in mine. My fingers ache with the memories of your lips on them. My eyes fill with tears that I swore would never come again. I catch myself reaching out to run my fingers through your hair. My forehead warms with recollections of yours leaning against mine. But mostly...my lips long for the feeling of yours pressed against them. And the whole time, my heart is bleeding at the knowledge that I will go on without ever feeling them again.
 
     

(pour your heart out)