Sing Without A Reason's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Sing Without A Reason

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randoms [16 Mar 2009|05:58pm]
"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life." - Starbucks Cup
"That what we have, we prize not to the worth
Whiles we enjoy it, but, being lacked and lost,
then we find
The virtue that possession would not show us
Whiles it was ours." -Much Ado About Nothing
sing me anything

you can start love with good intention. Then you'll look up and its gone. [07 Mar 2009|06:35pm]
maybe i should have tried to fix things instead of running away
sing me anything

dissident [27 Feb 2009|03:07pm]
what happened to us?
i want to ask.
its not appropriate.
i know you wonder.

i need my life back.
i need to know what that means.

i need to go to bed.
sing me anything

attempting optimism [16 Feb 2009|04:29pm]
I'm paranoid about the world and about people. I look for the worst and expect it. I almost always think about people's ulterior motives. Try to find what they will benefit from. I didn't use to be like this. i wish i wasn't. i guess realization is the first step? i dont know if i have enough faith for that though. i know i can't live in the "what ifs" but really, what if it happens again? how do i balance protecting myself and attempting optimism?
Personality flaws are okay as long as they can be handled. It's okay for them to be a reason for discontent. There is a balance between liking someone enough to handle them and letting them define your relationship. Flaws can be destructive
sing me anything

[29 Jan 2009|05:37pm]
For over a year I've lost a little bit of myself in the situations that have surrounded me. Now, I'm trying to get it back or learn from what I've lost. I'm getting there. I really am.
sing me anything

solitude [27 Jan 2008|10:43pm]
[ mood | mad ]
[ music | none other than adam duritz ]

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality."

"I don't want to be in the middle." what kind of answer is that? by telling me you don't want to be in the middle, is all enough of an answer for me. you pretty much just told me that you're not going to be there to help me get through this. i'm not asking you to choose sides. i'm not asking you to go out of your way to fuck someone over. I'M NOT trying to fuck someone over. which is why i went to you and asked you for help.

Bad vibes already, and i think thats my answer.

fucking fuck

sing me anything

[11 Apr 2007|10:52pm]
don't judge me on my grade point average.
sing me anything

change [10 Apr 2007|01:08am]
[ mood | pensive ]
[ music | just a playlist ]

To a friend:
Hey I was just thinking about change and things. Everyone enters different chapters of their lives. Sometimes they occur at the same time as their friends, sometimes they don’t. You’re entering a new chapter and that means you change. Maybe for the better. Maybe for the worse, but you don't know which one until you can look back and really decide for yourself. No one can decide that for you, and even when you can decide it’s already in the past! Everything’s already been said and done. It can't be changed, so all that matters anyways is what you make of your past. Change is the process of life, changes in your body, changes in your location, changes in your philosophy and mentality. If it didn't happen our parents would think like teenagers, and our teenagers would act like 5 year olds. People always say they'll never be like this and they’ll never do that, but when they step through the changes in life they (and the people closest to them) find themselves doing things that they wouldn’t do in the previous chapter. Stepping through these chapters is hard for friends that are across distances because they’re not stepping together.

So what if you’re boyfriend has “changed” you. That’s just a chapter in life, and you’ve just hit that chapter earlier then them. Maybe there is truth in their words. Maybe you’ve given up some of your past passions, after all they are you’re “best friends”. But when it comes down to it, you decide if you’re ready and willing and okay with the changes going on. So what if you’re ready earlier than them; they’ll catch up. So what if you’re okay with those changes. Genuine friends won’t judge or criticize or reprimand you because of that. They’ll stick by your side because that’s respect and that’s what friends do. I can’t count the times my friends have done something against my advice, but they make their own decisions and no matter the outcome I won’t throw it in their faces. They learned on their own, and that’s something to be respected because that takes courage and strong will.


sing me anything

home. [06 Jul 2006|01:21am]
[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | rascal flatts- when the sand runs out ]

home is not not something i want to run from. home is not a place that should hurt my heart.
the house my parents live in is one of my homes at the moment and it is probably most significant. significant because there are alot of memories that have constructed me.

I sat in basement last night after the girls left. Just sitting. I didn't realize how much has happened in my basement with groups of friends or just a couple or just me and one person, like the time Mairin drank an entire box of wine from my parents fridge then threw it up, and that same night Maria drank a screwdriver for the first time... even though to this day I'm convinced it was gross. Then there was that Valentine's Day weekend my parents were out of town and that huge snow storm came in... and all the trouble Lauren and Shannon and I brewed up in it... taking my Mom's truck out... how idiotic, but how much fun. And those seek@bllt bags we had. Those were made in none other than my basement. Oh the infamous seek@bllt. Haha, teenage girls are so cruel. And the superbowl party that was supposed to be in the basement but ended up upstairs because my parents kicked us out. The same superbowl party with the penis carrot and the shredding of Shannon's granny panties. All the numerous movies I watched in the basement with Jayson, and all the numerous times I fell alseep in his arms. And there was the time Danfi and James and Mikey came over after school... what a disaster. Haha, and I can picture Camille standing on the arm of the loveseat checking her phone for messages because thats the only way she got service down there...

Just because those memories aren't me anymore doesn't mean that I want to forget them. They made my good times, bad times, and all of the times in between. My previous entry is about how it hurts to be here because I'm not who I used to be. Yes, I'm not the same Erin Ashley Over-Reactor Grace Swynenberg that I used to be, but I'm not going to let that hold me down. I think alot of the reason I haven't been home alot this summer was because I hated to be here. I was running away so I wouldn't have to face it. But I'm here now, and I've realized that I love everything about this house. The ghosts of yesterdays memories don't haunt me anymore. They make me smile, and they make me thankful for all the friends that I have and have had.. The lessons I've learned are priceless. This house is priceless. I love it.

I have many homes. The Bonta house. Amy & Scott's house. My Grandparent's house. Camille's house. Aunt Laura & Uncle Ward's house. They're all my homes because thats where my love, my passion, and my life is. Hell I could be staying in a hotel with Amy Eric Mom Dad Scott and Faith and that would be home enough for me... Just because they're there. Home is where the heart is; where my heart is.

1 | sing me anything

home? [11 May 2006|05:14pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | talking to sam ]

This Room.

This room is tired.
The vibrant purple and teal rectangles are only a deception to hide all the secrets that it's walls hold.
It is ready for a fresh coat of paint and a new owner.

This room is sad.
It longs for action, love, and attention.
It's four walls are plastered with photographs, trinkets, and certificates of past achievements, events, and memories.

Day in and day out the sun comes in and the memories dance around together.
Night in and night out the memories sleep in their lonliness and sink deeper and deeper into the past.
They wait for the day that their owner will return so they can remind her of times that are no longer hers.

This room is cold.
Where is it's owner and why is she letting go?
It silently screams:
"Don't leave me. Grow with me.
All these things made you.
Don't forget me.
Don't get caught up and lose these things.
THey aren't here to make you sad.
They're here to show you how far you've come.
They won't forget you.
Don't leave them."

This room is bitter.
It tears at it's owners heart.
The walls close in and suffocate.
She is a stranger to this place.
She looks the same but sounds & acts different.

She is saddened.
This room is not hers anymore.

sing me anything

[01 Apr 2006|03:04am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | ben harper- not fire, not ice ]

i belong to no one but myself
i belong to the sun. the sky. the endless horizons.

i've been holding out like this for so long,
and i want to let it go
its the feeling
maybe i need to let the feeling go
and go for the guys i can get....
but i don't want to settle for less
but they aren't less.
some of these guys are awesome.
but are they the right ones for me?
isn't that what the feeling is though...

thats what i thought at least
maybe its time to change my perspective.
i'm tired of being lonely
but i don't want to settle.
with just anyone.
i want it to be right.
i want him to be right

i want the feeling.
should i let that go?

sing me anything

just meandering [01 Apr 2006|02:39am]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | counting crows ]

what is home?
i don't know that word anymore.
i'm a soul.
a lost soul
wondering around looking for a place and a reason.
can you give me a reason?
a passion?
a love?
life doesn't cut it sometimes.

full of spirit but empty inside
what do you do with just a shell?
someone please let me know
because i just don't.

i miss the people who mean the most to me. i miss. lauren. brittany. camille.
i miss laughing to the outright fullest.
i miss driving around to ungodly hours trying to figure out what to do,
just to come home with broken hopes and an empty tank of gas.
haha oh even the thought makes me laugh.

i never have times liek that anymore
theres always something going on.
as welcoming as it sounds, its so different.
why am i sitting around writing about it?

sing me anything

why does it always have to be so hard [03 Dec 2005|02:57pm]
[ mood | missing ]
[ music | I'm Already There- Diamond Rio ]

For 18 years I have been a military brat. I guess you could say, I'm used to it by now. The truth is, I'm not. It seems like everytime my dad or brother are on deployment the situation is different, slightly skewed. My dads gone, only for a month this time, and thank God for that, but everything is different now. I'm terribly worried about my Mom. When we were little at least she had that. We're not so little anymore, not so little at all. Theres no one there for her right now. What would happen if something happened to her? Who would be there? I'm not two flights of stairs away anymore, and Amy is 2 hours away. I know shes so lonely, and I want to be there for her so bad, but I can't and it kills me. I know its not my fault, but holding her in my heart just isn't cutting it. A month might not seem like a long time, but God it feels like forever. He won't be here for Christmas. Even Eric will be here! I guess you win one, you lose one. It's not fair. I now know, I take for granted going Christmas shopping for my Mom with my Dad. I always thought it would be easier for him to give me money so I could just go. Like most guys, hes a horrible person to shop with haha. I'm gonna miss it this year though. Alot. and I don't know... just, why does this always have to be so hard...

sing me anything

things from myspace that didn't need to be there any longer. [21 Nov 2005|09:04pm]
Tuesday, July 26, 2005

wham... and everything hits you all at once.
Current mood: ready.

tonight was my last night at Giorgio's.

nothing in the last 2 months has hit me harder... not even graduation. how is it that something i only spent a year and a half doing could affect me more than something i spent 4 years doing? if i could answer that i would. it kills me that i never got to work a last shift with lauren, anna, and hazel.

I'm going to miss it so much.

7:05 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Saturday, March 19, 2005

If i haven't told you lately, I love you.

I've been thinking alot today... not so much of a good thing but oh well. I like this area alot. It's better than the places I've lived in before. Even still, I need a break really bad. Just to get a way, clear my head, so I can come back and finish the end of the year with a bang... YES YES! thats what i need ;)

Yesterday I went into work and two of the girls i work with were pretty upset. A couple of weeks ago, as you may have seen in the paper or I told you, two of their friends sustained substantial burn damages from a bag of fireworks that went off in the car while they were driving. Of the two kids, the boy had 2nd and 3rd degree burns to 40 percent of his body, and had major damage to his respirtory system. He was kept in the hospital and was recovering well, when he suddenly died in his sleep friday morning. Click here for more information on his death I didn't know either of the kids involved in the accident, but it really made me think about what i would do if i lost any of you to a careless act of "fun". No one expects things to go wrong, but they do. I'm so glad and so lucky that all of the outrageous acts that i have experienced with you all have not ended in tragedy. Think twice before you do something, and please please please be safe about it. I love you all dearly, and i can't afford, you can't afford to lose your life... nothing, nothing is worth that.

I would ask you all to take a few seconds or a minute to say a prayer for Taylor, his family, and his friends.

9:47 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Sunday, March 06, 2005

i wish you were here.
Current mood: melancholy

yadda yadda… that’s how life seems to be right now.
I’ve been hearing a lot about mike leaving for boot camp lately. I mean and with good reason, he did leave. Its just been making me think. I get so busy and wrapped up in myself that I sometimes forget who’s around me, and even more who isn’t around me. I guess its easier, in a sense, to put Eric aside sometimes… not him but the thoughts that wow he really isn’t around. I think about him nearly everyday and now more than ever it was his birthday Friday or Saturday… I’m not really sure which, I always get confused to begin with and he called on our Friday night, but it was his Saturday morning… we said happy birthday so I wasn’t sure if it was a happy late birthday or a happy birthday… I don’t know hahaha, what a good sister I am… But anyways, that’s besides the point. He never got my first letter. That made me upset. I mean I know he can’t help it, and I think its just because they’re patrolling a special command area, so they aren’t allowed to have mail or package drops, phone calls, and they were just recently allowed email privileges. They stopped at a remote island for a break. From what he said, it sounds beautiful. I hope the damn idiot gets a camera to take pictures. I love him to death, but really, he just is so dumb sometimes I swear. Last year I dealt with him not being home for Christmas, hard as it was, so this year wasn’t so bad, hard still but not as much. Then he came home mid January. This year he's not home until mid-Aprilish… we aren’t really supposed to know so it’s a guesstimate… When they’re back in Connecticut, they have 2 weeks lock down, then 2 weeks off, then they go back out for a month. Those are just normal procedures. If you do the math mid-April plus 4 weeks brings you to mid-May, and a month out brings you to mid-June… past June 10th. Mom and Dad told me today at breakfast, I didn’t react much, mostly because it didn’t really process. I've had nearly 15 Christmases with him, I can deal without one. I've had nearly 15 birthdays with him, I can deal without one. I've been to two graduations. One for Amy, one for Eric, and now to think I won’t have that privilege given back to me… I don’t know if I can deal with that very well, if at all. It’s not fair. That’s all I can really think to say. I won’t be able to change it, I know. I can cry all I want. I can be mad and angry, and hate the Navy, but it won’t change it, I know. Even though I know all that you would think that’d I could get over it easier, but somehow I don’t think this is going to be easy. In fact, this will be harder then Christmas, and ten times harder then birthdays. As happy as I’ll be on the 10th, I know I’ll shed a tears that day too. Tears different then everyone else’s… I miss him so much.

Currently listening:
Morning View
By Incubus
Release date: By 23 October, 2001

10:19 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Edit - Remove

Saturday, February 19, 2005

a voice through the dischord

what would you do when your whole world turned upside down, spun around, and stopped. leaving you dizy and empty. not knowing what to do or where to start. all the things you knew to be true just werent anymore. all your reasons, for everything, theyre all gone and all so very wrong. and just when you think you've put all your mistakes past you, no, now they are right in front of you. staring you in the eyes, saying what the fuck were you really thinking. questioning your every move. leaving you to re-evaluate the past months and figure out what you really did wrong. telling you oh ya and it really was wrong. what would you do because i don't even know where to begin.

11:26 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Sunday, February 13, 2005

i thought i knew..
Current mood: alert

confusion comes from conflicts between the heart and the mind. one says one thing but the other says something else. and contrary to others' beliefs i think most of the time people listen to their heart... especially when it comes to love for other people because your heart is still with that person. Despite the decision, the outcome, the aftermath, there will come a point when your mind prevails. when it happens, thats when you'll know. like an epifany. it will all be so clear. you might find what you did was the wrong path, but you'll let it go or maybe even fix it if possible. i found that point today. and its not so much a good feeling, but in a way a sort of relief. i know what i have to do now and itll be easier done. this is from my mind.

the defining moment.
february 13th, 2005.

its how it will be.
how it is now.
if not farther.
so i see it now.
the defining moment.
its all that i can see.

keep away from you.
thats how you want it now.
so thats how it will be.
if not farther now.
so i see.
its only how you'll let it be.
the defining moment.
and thats all that i need.

hellos are gone.
goodbyes worn out.
sorrys overplayed.
its how it will be.
no crys of mistake.
none left of regret.
cant take back damage done.
thats how it is.

your shoulder has definition.
i see it now.
more clearly now.
your room never was cold.
but if it is now...
well check your shoulders.
thats all you need.

its how it will be.
how it is now.
if not farther.
so i see it now.
the defining moment.
and thats all i need.

no hostility.
hatred of any sort.
just parting of ways.
no one at fault.
bound to happen,
how it is now.
a simple so long.
ill see you around.

just remember
the future is unstable,
don't ponder it so much.
and the past is weakness.
don't forget it completly.
don't hold it too close.
handle it gently for, it can destroy.

but don't forget, no don't forget.
now is all that matters.
just roll with the punches.
don't let them knock you down.

time eases all things
remember that too
keep your head up in the mean time.
surrounded by friends.
just know you're loved
and always will be

a stepping stone in life.
thats how it will be.
how you want it now.
so i see.
its only how you'll let it be.
how you'll let it be

love always,

Currently listening:
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
By The Smashing Pumpkins
Release date: By 24 October, 1995
sing me anything

9-26-05 and the week that followed [01 Oct 2005|07:59pm]
we never thought it would happen. no, never to us. but it did and we didn't know what to do... and we still don't. its unbelievable, unexpected, just unreal. this week has been so hard. it was so hard being away from woodbridge and everyone. the people i needed most weren't here (blacksburg) they were there. they were where i needed to be. hearing about it kills me inside. i feel guilty not being there for everyone, the boys especially. i know they know that i just couldn't come home, but thats not good enough for me. and i think this is something that will always kill me. a life unlived, a life claimed, a life that didn't deserve to be taken. hicham Toloune September 26, 2005.

I've been thinking about alot of other things lately too...
with Hicham & Bryan's accident, and my grandpa's bypass surgery death has been a big thing on my mind. I'm beginning to realize that i don't appreciate the people i love the most and i need to start doing that more often... i need to be more humble and selfless. i need to put other people in front of myself first...
sing me anything

there is so much on my mind [25 Jul 2005|05:00pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Death Cab for Cutie ]

today was long, but lately it seems like everyday is that way. in fact this whole week has been really long and slow. after being gone for a week i ran errands all day monday just to leave for tech on monday night. orientation tuesday sucked. i felt like i was at camp and it was not what i had expected. i was in a grumpy mood. a girl's best friend came to visit me that day. not to mention it was tremendously unexpected, so, ya, that explains that. wednesday on the other hand was much better. i have my classes all scheduled. i'll have to make some adjustments when my ib scores are submitted, but other than that i'm pretty content with them.

i came home wednesday night on a high because i got my laptop and im pretty bloody excited about it, but i was quickly brought down by waking up early on thursday in order to make it on time to court, which was the biggest crock of bull shit i have ever experienced in my life. whatever though. its over and done and theres nothing i can do about it now. i do however have to serve 8 hours of community service. at an old folks home. in woodbridge. ya... great. and my thursday was lost just like that by court. and having to go to work for a whoping hour and a half.

i got my menengitis shot today. so far it doesn't hurt at all. we'll see. i also: went to fair oaks mall for m.a.c. make-up, got faith's babyshower present (or part of it), got my tires rotated and balanced, my car aligned, and my oil changed. oh and i scheduled to have my wisdom teeth out today too. next thrusday the 21st at 830am. it doesn't conflict with the road trip i want to take so thats good. that was what i was mainly worried about. i have to go to work today. in fact i should be leaving about now, but i'm not even ready so it can wait. i wasn't supposed to work today. in fact i had kelley cover my shift so i wouldn't have to but cam is sick as hell so i'm going in for her. i don't really care about giorgio's anymore. dont get me wrong i love the restaurant and i love the family and my co-workers its just the new girls frustrate me (except for camille shes the only good new one) and im leaving soon so i don't see the point anymore. i don't know...

I get so antsy being at home. I don't know whats going on, but I can't handle it.

The thing is, I know better than to act this way, to have this attitude toward the situation, to be thinking the silly things I have been thinking. I think its just the circumstances at hand that are doing it to me. I don't want to overly try for a failure. The main thing that runs through my head when I want to call him is: "if he wanted to call me, he would. He would make time for me if he wanted." Now, I know he is shy. I know that, and in knowing that I would take the step and I would call him. But there is a little barrier thats holding up a big stop sign. Its called distance. Its called 12 hours away, and in less than a month its called 3 time zones away. Lets face it, long distance relationships are a bitch. I have not experienced it first hand, but I mean, really, its obvious. Then again there is the side of me that says anything can work if you make it work, and I want it to. I like him so much. He gives me butterflies. He makes me happy. He is always on my mind. I am afraid that I am not on his, and thats why I don't want to try. I don't know how far he is willing to take this or if he wants to at all. I don't want to be the silly one that says let's go for this and him be the sensible one that says let's not. I think he's afraid, like me, to get in too deep just to find out that distance isn't an obstacle that we can't overcome... A smart Erin would stop here and leave it be, but since when have i been a smart Erin?

sing me anything

a long weekend... too long. [09 Apr 2005|11:43pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Kelly Clarkson- I hate myself for losing you ]

I thought florida would be the end all be all of the confusion in me. I thought i would get back and be all new, all refreshed, totally on track erin. Well damn, was i wrong or what? Not only did florida suck as a refresher but I got back on a wrong note (twelve hours in an airport doesn't do much for you). Don't get me wrong, Florida was beautiful, but it was my final realization about mine & lynzi's friendship. I guess it wasn't so much shocking and hurting as it was annoying. I was silly to think things would be different, silly. On top of that, I thought I might be able to come to terms with Jayson while i was down there. To be honest, I didn't come to terms with jackshit. If there was one person i thought about while I was down there, it was Jayson. I think I am now though. The prom incident hit me hard. I try not to think about how it affects me in order to be happy for him, and I am happy for him. I really am. It's just bittersweet, I guess. I know I'll be fine though. Time eases all things, right? Right, and it has loosened up quite a bit. I really hate that I have so much to look forward to lately, but I don't feel happy or excited about any of it. I feel like something is tying me down and smothering me. Amys pregnant. Eric's coming home. I got accepted to Tech. Dad stopped working nights. Warm weather is finally coming around. It's great. It's all great, but I can't explain why I had a breakdown on the phone with Amy the other night. Never in my life have I had a conversation like that with Amy. I respect her more now than ever before. She has gone through more than I ever knew. I also found somethings out in that conversation. I don't know what to do with them. I really don't know if I should even bother opening them up in my mind because I don't think I really have processed anything she told me. I guess, for right now, I'll just say im disgusted. I don't know what else to call it. When I was little I thought my family was invincible. I thought we were like a big gang, always having fun, always getting along, no problems you know. Then I started to get older and I realized well damn my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins aren't that great. I started to see that they are all just people too, and they make mistakes just like everyone else. Eventually, I came to terms with that, and the older I get the more I realize. And even though that happened with my extended family nothing changed... until now. I don't know what to do. They're my family I love them more than anyone else in the world. I've lived with them for so long I know their personality flaws, but I never thought it would be carried that far. I'm in such a state of shock. I really don't know what to do. I guess there is nothing I can do. Right now, I'm so far behind in school, I don't have time to think about it. I'm tired of this, I know that much. I just want things to be okay for me for once. I want to be able to enjoy everything, I guess right now isn't my time... I just don't know.

sing me anything

you're in every other thought [24 Feb 2005|10:04pm]
[ mood | bittersweet ]
[ music | suds in the bucket - sara evans ]

I guess you could say, I've succeeded at losing not one, but two fabulous guys. Neither perfect, and both sometimes frustrating, but neither ever did anything wrong. I guess you could say, these past two months I’ve made some of the worst decisions. Decisions made of lust, selfishness, hurt, resent, confusion. Do me and everything else will fall into place is what they told me. And that’s damn good advice, damn good, but when it comes down to it, how am I supposed to do me when I don't even know what me is, if I’ve lost that. And boy did I as I'm seeing now. The past two months I've been very much out of character. When I look back on it all I can think is "What the hell were you thinking dragging Stuart into it like this, or leaving Jayson like that. You dumb girl what were you thinking?" Very plainly, I wasn't thinking. Going out with Stuart was a mistake. Don't get me wrong, he's awesome, all someone could ask for. I think he has taught me more about myself then damn near anyone (with the exception of my parents). But really, what was I thinking saying yes to him, how much more selfish can you get then that? I'm a complete idiot. It's not fair to half-way like someone when they all-the-way like you, and I should've recognized that. “if you can be with him then u obviously have to be over me” little did I know, and that’s why I’m not with him now. I ignored all signs of logic and rational thinking. And really, what the hell was I thinking giving up jayson? Who in their right mind? I guess you could say, I don't handle confusion well. I trust my instincts a bit too much. Its good to do that and all, but there’s a point where instincts and the heart and mind need to work hand and hand to really make decisions that can be trusted. I can't say I don't regret any of this because I do. But I do know, I can't change anything, merely learn from it and that sucks. I know I can't let myself have either of them. I've caused enough destruction as it is. I don't need to go burn my bridges any further, or drag it out any longer then it needs to be. I've come to realize they both are better than that, and they might not see it now, but I know deep in my heart they can both find better than me. Someone who can satisfy them more, who will make their smiles bigger, their heart grow a little more, and will be just as head-over-heels about them as they are about her. She'll give him her all and nothing less, nothing less. That’ll be just enough to be more than I was because that’s more than I gave. It’s so hard to stay away when you know everything is your fault. I want to fix it. I want to turn back time. I want to be able to tell myself we can make it through this, its just a bump in the road, no big deal. I want that, more than anything do I wish I had that strength then. At the same time I know the way to fix it is to stay away. Let it be, when they’re on with their lives again, I’ll be happy. I’m starting to see he’s getting into the swing of things again, and that makes me smile, soo much. I don’t think he has any idea. It’s bittersweet it really is, letting go is. Maybe sometime in the future. We’ll meet again as friends with no left over connection. It’s too early now, so we’ll see. As for me and right now, I’ll try my best to put it behind me, and try to create an all new me. A little less angry, a little less sensitive. A little less pensive, and a lot less resentful. A lot more happy, and a couple parts of laughter. A pinch of memories, and two more pinches of love. After Spring Break I know I’ll be on my way. It’ll give me just enough time to find me again, be back at happy again. After this is set semi-straight, I’ll be able to fix other aspects of my life.
Time is a sweet sweet thing. It eases all things, so be good to it. Don't rush it. Things will come soon enough, just wait and cherish now, thats all you can do.

sing me anything

whatever may come... you are my only one [30 Dec 2004|02:45pm]
Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up
And I give up
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up
I feel like giving up
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one
sing me anything

for karin's sake :) [19 Oct 2004|01:14pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | suds in the bucket by julie andrews? ]

i don't really come here much. i don't think i need to. the only things i really feel the need to get out are annoying to everyone else.

i guess school really sucks. homecoming set me back alot. i think its a large part of why i hated homecoming so much because it was a big dissappointment. not just the dance but the whole week. its really sad how little school spirit there is. i couldve not participated and done my work and been okay except i wouldve felt really guilty.

here i go anyways because i can't help it:
jayson and i have been going out a month now. its nice. i really like him alot. i know that sounds childish but i do :) we goof off like little kids he makes me feel like im in the third grade when you used to have really big crushes and didnt know what to do... except im in 12th grade now and i know what to do so its nice. i pout and he deals with it, he argues and i argue back... he swears hes right and i swear against it...

i have my ups and downs with my feeling for him. sometimes theyre low sometimes theyre high... but they never ever completley go away. im still learning how to do this relationship deal... ive never really felt this way about anyone before.
im planning on being with him for a while... which is dangerous but i think its safe to do at the same time... i cant really see any reason as to why or what could happen between us... but theres always that chance so im trying to be careful... but he makes it so hard :) hes contagious... i swear hes contagious... ill go over to his house in the afternoon only planning on being there for a half hour or so and i end up leaving at 430 or 5... he makes me so happy.

and now im ending this so i can go call him and wake him up :)

sing me anything

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