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Thick as Thieves [17 Oct 2003|03:35pm] My hands are numb from the cold. The leaves in the forest around my house have grown in shades of muted orange and gold. I walked with my head down - thinking. Of late, my mind has been on my actions, thoughts. I have dissected myself and picked and prodded and I fear I've met the last of myself. And I'm not happy with the result. 1 granted| reprieve♣

say what? [14 Aug 2003|02:41pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | Disciple- Wait ] The hours passed a little less lethargically this week. I've spent the sunlight with friends I hadn't seen in what felt like ages. At the moment though, I'm just about to go out to the mall with Sayan. I'll edit in all that I've done later. reprieve♣

Everything's coming up Milhouse... [07 Aug 2003|04:41pm] [ mood | blank ] Tuesday was lousy. I had a doctor's appointment: a checkup. It was, to say the least, uncomfortable. My mother had convinced me that Dr.Gray was a kind, caring woman---she would put me "at ease". What a load of crap. The woman was as sterile as the floor and walls of her office. Pictures of diseased organs and crying infants were everywhere. I was itching to be rid of the place, the moment I entered. And as I thought the appointment had finally come to a close - she handed me a slip of paper. I was to go downstairs to have blood taken. I hadn't done that before- so I was pretty much scared shitless. I hate needles. But of course, I took the elevator to the lab area with my mom at hand. The woman who took the blood, was likely a trainee. Because the idiot, couldn't seem to find a proper vein I was pierced four times in total, one vein collapsing along the way of this pleasant* little learning experience. She finally was able to draw some blood from the back of my hand. I left the place with four bandaids, a cotton swab and a large chocolate chip cookie. Not to mention an odd, "I've been violated feeling." Any days between then and today, have been spent on my ass or with Mary. *= indicate sarcasm reprieve♣

fresh scent [27 Jul 2003|12:02pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Three Days Grace ] My dad painted the kitchen yesterday, with an oil paint. The whole house was filled with the smell. So I was pretty much out of there all day. At the mall, shopping for shoes at a cheap little place called Ali Baba's. Cramped isles, bad service...we left with a pair of runners. Mary decided since we couldn't eat in our kitchen, to invite us over to a home-cooked dinner....Sloppy Joes. It actually wasn't that bad. My dad brought shrimp and rice as backup. Chen stopped by with some bubble tease later. I swallowed a Tapioca ball whole. That was exciting. Monday- Sayan's birthday is today. I don't want to forget to call her. reprieve♣

Bad Immitation [26 Jul 2003|04:16pm] [ mood | moody ] [ music | Deftones ] I'm a hot and cold person...does that make sense? ... Let's see, I vary between emotional extremes. When I lapse into the familiar 'blah/depressed' state, it's strong and consuming. I think as a child I was at least able to fake myself when I was upset, fake the humor, the smile on my face. It was my job- I had to be the center of attention. The funnygirl, all the time. And now, sure people still find me funny or whatever. But it doesn't come as easily anymore - depending on my mood. Sometimes I feel comfortable with myself and the people, and it's so easy. But other times I become... a bad immitation of myself. And I hate it. Fuck it. reprieve♣

[26 Jul 2003|01:35pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Pearl Jam- Black ] Currently spending another inane day at home. It's gotten to the point where I've started thinking on the idea of a job. Just something to wile away the hours. The extra cash would do some good, I think. Mary wants to take cooking classes on thursdays, free of charge. I think I might actually go with her. The alternative being more bland minutes such as this. reprieve♣

suffocate [25 Jul 2003|10:02am] [ mood | determined ] [ music | Cut You In ] Had the strangest dream last night. I remember bits and pieces...someone was choking me. I was having trouble breathing, I don't know if it was just in the dream or in reality. I couldn't really sleep after that. Well, I've decided to shed that odd mood I've been in. In a couple of minutes I'm going to shower, treadmill and then call Mary. See what she's doing today. I'm not just going to sit at home all day doing jack shit. reprieve♣

[24 Jul 2003|05:50pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Bush- Swallow ] Feeling kind of down at the moment...lately really. Maybe it's a side effect of my period or something. Or the fact that I haven't really talked much to anyone. Like I'm outside myself. reprieve♣

[24 Jul 2003|10:48am] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | The White Stripes ] Yeah...Sayan's birthday is coming up. We haven't done much together this summer...I don't know if we've done anything at all. Mostly, because she's had summer school. And because of the ongoing game of 'phone-tag' we've been playing. I call her and someone's on the phone or she's out, and vice versa. I'm going to make it a point to call her today. I feel really guilty about not doing it sooner. I'd hate to lose touch--I've known her since birth. O, and Nelia was supposed to call me on tuesday- since she's leaving for the cottage on thursday(today). But she didn't, and I don't know if she already left. Ah crap. I really should get in the habit of calling people. reprieve♣

headstrong [22 Jul 2003|11:42am] [ mood | clean ] [ music | Headstrong ] Aaahhh.....Just took a shower. Feels nice. I'm supposed to do something with monnie today, probably drop by emily's house. See how she is. Listening to headstrong by trapt at the moment. Lyrics: Circling, circling, circling your head Contemplating everything you ever said Now see the truth I got a doubt A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out See you later I see your fantasy You want to make a reality paved in gold See inside, inside of our heads yeah Well that's all over I see your motives inside Decisions to hide Fuck off I'll take you on Headstrong to take on anyone I know that you are wrong Headstrong we're headstrong Back off I'll take you on Headstrong to take on anyone I know that you are wrong And this is not where you belong I can't give everything away I won't give everything away Conclusions manifest Your first impressions got to be your very best I see you're full of shit and that's alright That's how you play I guess to get through every night Now that's over I see your fantasy You want to make it a reality paved in gold See inside, inside of our heads yeah Well that's all over I see your motives inside Decisions to hide Fuck off I'll take you on Headstrong to take on anyone I know that you are wrong Headstrong we're headstrong Back off I'll take you on Headstrong to take on anyone I know that you are wrong And this is not where you belong Where you belong I can't give everything away This is not where you belong I won't give everything away I know, I know all about I know, I know all about I know, I know all about I know, I know all about your movitives inside And your decisions to hide Fuck off I'll take you on Headstrong to take on anyone I know that you are wrong Headstrong we're headstrong Back off I'll take you on Headstrong to take on anyone I know that you are wrong And this is not where you belong Where you belong I can't give everything away This is not where you belong I won't give everything away This is not where you belong reprieve♣

As I am bored... [21 Jul 2003|10:57am] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Stabbing Westward- I Remember ] As I am bored waiting for Mary to show: Yes or No Music Survey --Yes or No-- 1. Nirvana- yes 2. Sublime- no 3. Depeche Mode- no 4. Linkin Park- sometimes (so sue me) 5. No Doubt- no 6. Rage Against the Machine- no 7. U2- no 8. Green Day- no 9. Beastie Boys- no 10. Red Hot Chili Peppers- sometimes 11. Blink-182- no 12. System of a Down- yes 13. The Smashing Pumpkins- no 14. Korn- yes 15. Bob Marley- no 16. Metallica- no 17. The Offspring- no 18. The Cure- no 19. Incubus- yes 20. Stone Temple Pilots- no 21. Pearl Jam- yes 22. Tool- no 23. Radiohead- yes 24. 311- no 25. Nine Inch Nails- no 26. Weezer- no 27. Social Distortion- uh...no 28. The Smiths/Morrissey- no 29. Jane's Addiction- no 30. Oingo Boingo- wha--? 31. Alice In Chains- yes 32. Limp Bizkit- sometimes 33. The Clash- no 34. Dave Matthews Band- no 35. Creed- aah! no! 36. The Ramones- no 37. Staind- yes 38. R.E.M.- no 39. Bush- no 40. Bad Religion- no 41. Foo Fighters- no 42. New Order- no 43. Soundgarden- on occasion 44. Garbage- no 45. Pennywise- no 46. Violent Femmes- no 47. Rob Zombie/White Zombie- no 48. David Bowie- no 49. Godsmack- on occasion 50. Duran Duran- no 51. P.O.D.- yes 52. Coldplay- yes 53. Beck- no 54. Eminem- no 55. Deftones- yes 56. Cypress Hill- no 57. Oasis- no 58. Jimmy Eat World- no 59. Tori Amos-no 60. Moby- no 61. The Pixies- no 62. Blondie- no 63. Live- no 64. Hole- no 65. Rancid- no 66. Fatboy Slim- no 67. Siouxsie and the Banshees- no 68. Marilyn Manson- no 69. Save Ferris- no 70. The Sex Pistols- no 71. Disturbed- yes 72. Billy Idol- no 73. The Strokes- no 74. The Police- no 75. Primus- no 76. The Go-Go's- no 77. Everclear- no 78. Bjork- no 79. Dramarama- no 80. Prodigy- no 81. The Cult- no 82. Cake- no 83. MxPx- no 84. Third Eye Blind- no 85. Sum 41- no 86. Travis- no 87. Papa Roach- yes, some songs. 88. Devo- no 89. A Perfect Circle- no 90. New Found Glory- no 91. The Cranberries- no 92. Lit- no 93. The B-52's- no 94. Puddle of Mudd- some 95. Blur- no 96. Unwritten Law- no 97. Pet Shop Boys- no 98. Hoobastank- no 99. X- no 100. Lenny Kravitz- no 101. Adema- yes 102. Echo & the Bunnymen- no 103. Kid Rock- no 104. INXS- no 105. Everlast/House of Pain- no 106. Faith No More- no 107. Ozzy Osbourne- no That was interesting...cough. reprieve♣

[21 Jul 2003|10:33am] [ mood | good ] [ music | Nirvana- Come as you are ] Woke up early as per usual. Not much to say...Mary called about 15 minutes ago. I'm supposed to be helping to lift boxes. I predict that upon arriving, I'll end up lazing around watching movies on the satellite as she sleeps on the couch. Oh, before I forget. I saw the Matrix: Reloaded with Rush yesterday...lots of movies this month. It was great though, can't wait for the third. That is all. reprieve♣

Poor baby [20 Jul 2003|10:17am] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Joydrop- Beautiful ] I woke up at 7:30 today. Needless to say, I was and am still dead tired. I've been thinking about Rush lately. Her leaving. Day to day, every conversation, every laugh...soon just memories. A little melodramatic I'm sure but it's what comes to mind whenever we sit and just watch t.v or talk or whatever. I won't be able to do that anymore, you know? Just sitting with her and not thinking about it. Simple, careless moments. And I keep having to stop myself from being selfish and needy. Even now I can't help but feel in the mindset of a child...needing her security blanket. * reprieve♣

of the moment [19 Jul 2003|04:02pm] [ mood | moody ] [ music | Cut you in ] Jerry Cantrell- Cut You In I like to sit Do nothing at home I disappear, turn off the phone I lose myself Hide from the sun I make a trip, when I'm out of fun I cut you in, come on let's go for a fall I cut you in, and you ain't leavin' at all I cut you in, don't let it go to your head I cut you in, part - time friend I call you up Whenever I'm stoned We chew the skin, choke on the bones You wonder when I'll go away If I could deal with it, I would have stayed I cut you in, come on let's go for a fall I cut you in, and you ain't leavin' at all I cut you in, don't let it go to your head I cut you in, part - time friend I like to sit Do nothing at home I disappear, turn off the phone I lose myself Hide from the sun I make a trip, when I'm out of fun I cut you in, come on let's go for a fall I cut you in, and you ain't leavin' at all I cut you in, don't let it go to your head I cut you in, part - time friend I cut you in I cut you in I cut you in, don't let it go to your head I cut you in, part - time friend * The previous couple of days have tested the precarious balance between my parents and I. what a sentence. The Facts: I didn't call home. I went to Nelia's at 2:15pm. From which we went to her boyfriend's house. I didn't call home. Went grocery shopping with his mom. (the lady is kind of ... fake to me. i don't think she likes me very much. but who gives a fuck.) Came back to his house. I didn't call home. Swam in his pool....well nelia did. 9:00pm, my sister comes knocking at Justin's door. 9:13: I participate in a full on yelling contest--me taking the brunt of the blows obviously. 9:30: My parents have decided I can't talk to nelia for a couple days (to which I wanted to roll my eyes, but of course I didn't) All because: i didn't call home. stupid i know Rush talked to them later. Mom is now talking to me. My dad is suspicious every time I go out now>>he gives me his patented 'what are you doing?' look, often. The next day, was one in preparation for Rush's wedding. She found a hall and a dress in a single day. Things seem to be going smoothly. At the moment though, I'm tired and a bitter taste is in my mouth. I suppose I'm finished writing... reprieve♣

it's been awhile [15 Jul 2003|08:48pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Radiohead- There There ] So, I haven't updated in a couple of days. Thought I'd pen a little something down. It has been good lately, nothing really notable to mention. I've been feeling well, my sleeping patterns have finally started to regulate (thank god!). Hopefully that Mcdonald's I ate last week has begun to deteriorate, as I felt it days later. I hate eating there..the guilt lasts forever. My weight's kind of an ongoing issue...just because it's summer and I'm one to gain/lose pretty quickly--I've been using the treadmill, once sometimes twice a day...just to keep healthy/fit. I'm not doing it to please the masses- ready for the cliche of the day? -I'm doing it for myself because that's all that matters. It was damn hot today! But not the blinding rays of yesterday. No, the humid, sticky, look's like it's going to rain weather... I was over at nelia's today, just doing what we usually do, talking, watching t.v, reading a few mags (that one was her idea) I normally don't delve in to that mindless garbage but... I read em' and I admit, it was actually...tolerable. yeah. bored, sweaty, tired...leaving. reprieve♣

...about nothing [12 Jul 2003|05:43pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | Nirvana- Lithium ] Last night, I saw the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen with my sister Rush. Twas really good but it bordered on not having a plot at all. Sometimes it felt as though it were a non-stop fight scene. Yeah...now she wants to see Pirates of the Caribbean. Today I had a dentist appointment. My teeth are still ringing from the picks that they use. I made forced conversation with the woman doing the cleaning...blah. I hate the dentist...especially since it was a year since I set foot in the office last. I saw this girl (Mel) that I knew from elementary school, she was working at subway. It was weird having her make our sandwiches... that is all. reprieve♣

[11 Jul 2003|11:04am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Evanescence ] Last night I got home at around 1am and rolled out of bed about 15 minutes ago. Actually I'm really happy about that because I never wake up at 11 - ah refreshing. The day in shortened form: - looked at cribs for my sister's baby - went to Mcdonald's for lunch (remind me never to do that again, eating there makes me feel guilty) - went to the dentist for my mom's appointment. my dad's work is nearby the office, so i visisted him with my sister. - drove to mary's house - waited until 6:30, on the road again we got milk, gas and air for the tires. - we were late for our eyebrow appointment - mary drove me home - at 10pm we went to my brother-in-law's house where we helped his sister package a bubble tease product: - where her mom continued to ask me if I wanted something until i cracked and said i did. two sips of coke before i placed the drink on the counter--where it was slowly forgotten as my hands and arms ached with strain/exhaustion - at home, in bed at 1am Today we're probably going to go back to my brother-in-law's as the amount of product needed was 800. Mary and I only helped make 360, there were 3/7 flavors to go after we left. Going to go take a shower now...my hair smells. reprieve♣

New Background [09 Jul 2003|12:39pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | Korn ] Credit: http://fayevalentine.net/wallpaper/ reprieve♣

Early Awake [09 Jul 2003|09:48am] [ mood | good ] [ music | LP- Crawling ] Tired. I keep waking up early now for some bizarre reason. It's annoying, like I'm back at school or something. Yesterday was good, I saw The Italian Job with a couple of old friends. They liked the movie more than I did, because I found it way too predictable. The commercials practically gave away the whole damn plot. oh well, it was fun, even when we started walking around the mall, stopping at all these ultra-fashionable stores. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I am not a shopper. My friends find it funny, so characteristic of me. It's just who I am. Though I want clothes, I don't like the act of browsing. I prefer the buying portion. Today I'm going to monnie's house with a couple other people. We're walking there so it's likely to take a while. It's so warm outside, I love it when it's like this. One of those days where you just sit back and soak in the sun. reprieve♣

Swing [08 Jul 2003|09:44am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Adema- Giving In ] I woke up in a good mood today. I'm still tired though, the sun was shining right in to my face. reprieve♣

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