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Mandy's Journal

23rd April, 2004. 9:41 pm. I Fuck Things Up Everytime

Well...today I pissed Chelsey off again. I said that I didn't want JC to go see The Punisher with us because I don't like him and Brandon Mesarosh said I was jealous. What the hell is there to be jealous of anyways? NOTHING. So she's gonna call me in the morning and I'm gonna tell her how I feel and just let it all out. Then I'm gonna go tan and go to work and work HARD to clear my mind. Then she said that me and Brian were "kinda" cute together. What the fuck does that mean?! We're either cute together or not. Speaking of Brian...we talked ALOT today...making progress...yes!!!! I'm so happy! I'm talking to more people and my attitude has changed towards some and I'm talking to them now. It's weird. It's like when I was with Chelsey my opinion of them stayed the same even if I knew them and knew they weren't like that. It's weird. We'll just to see how everything goes. I got my lobes pierced again!! WOOP! I have my ears pierced a total of 10 times now...it is so awesome. My mom was with me...and she got kinda grossed out lol. Oh well..

Current mood: determined.
Current music: AC/DC.

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20th April, 2004. 8:20 pm. Soothing...but only for a moment

Tonight me and Chelsey drove around town aimlessly for at least 3 hours. First off, I completely got ripped off at the place I tan at. I went in at 4:30 because that is when I was told my appointment was. Walk in and I told the lady I had a 4:30 appointment and she was like "No...your appointment was at 4...and I marked you down as a no show." Well I stormed out and I'm still pissed off. They need to get their shit straightened out pretty damn quick. It was like it used to be tonight. Chelsey only mentioned JC's name...once or twice throughout the whole thing. It was great!! It was like the old times. I was so happy and so free...which was the first time in so long. Today me and Cassie were talking about how I had changed...but I'm not really sure on how I have. Yeah...I've been having more depressing thoughts. I think I have changed my personality a little bit. I've started thinking for myself even more than I used too. But tomorrow it will probably be back to the way it was. I didn't really get to talk to Brian today. We were in geometry and Troy was around so I couldn't really say anything. Then Jaron and Caleb were talking about how today is Hitlers birthday and the anniversary of the Columbine shooting...crazy but interesting. Jaron said that him and his girlfriend Katrina were gonna go to Hardees and buy four sandwiches because the total was $4.20. Crazy lol. Gotta love him though. I keep feeling more and more alone. I don't know why. I just sit at home sometimes and think about what I could be doing, who I could be with, what it would be like if I had a special someone. I still don't have a special someone...and there are a few people out there that I think thinks that I'm no longer a virgin. Okay...let me set some things straight. When I went to see Branden, yes, we both laid in a bed, in the dark, but did nothing. If we had done something I would fess up. But we didn't. Why can't anyone believe me? OH! It's all because there was a bed involved. Right? Thought so. Geez. Now I'm kinda glad nothing happened in that bed...

Current mood: cheerful.
Current music: Finch.

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19th April, 2004. 7:09 pm. Change of Attitude?

Well today wasn't too bad...I talked to Brian a little bit and Chelsey talked to me for a little bit. Even though it was only for 3rd period and 4th period. Like usual. Plus it was the first time I had talked to her since the end of 4th period on Friday. Tonight I just drove around by myself...instead of asking Chelsey to go with me. I just needed some time to be by myself so I could clear my head. It worked for awhile. I even stopped and talked to Cassie and JW for awhile. Right now I'm talking to Christina on Truechat. And she just happened to bring up that Branden hates Sara (the girl he went out with when we were sorta seeing each other) now. She also has Sara's and Kirsten's phone numbers. Kirsten is the girl who liked Anthony I think. But I told Christina I could care less about the damn phone numbers. I don't really care for Branden or Sara or anything anymore. I just don't care...and I don't think it's supposed to be that way. Is it? I'm tanning and I lay longer and I get burnt. Sunburns usually hurt...but these don't hurt me. They're soothing. I just need something to take my mind off other stuff that is hurting me on the inside.

Current mood: depressed.
Current music: Fuel.

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18th April, 2004. 6:27 pm. Mixed Feelings and High Hopes

Why do I have to tear myself up this way?! WHY?! I always end up down like this. I can't take it. Why me?! I can't seem to figure that out. First it's with Branden...I will admit I fell for him way too fast...he was good looking, we acted alike but he took things way too fast for me. I like doing things slowly. That's just the way I am. I haven't heard anything from him in awhile and I kind of miss not being able to talk to him. It just tears me all to pieces. I really liked him. I knew I shouldn't have been wearing my heart on my sleeve like I was. Nobody knows I feel like this...I don't want anyone to know I feel like this. They'll just find some way to throw it back into my face. It always works that way. Then it's on to Chelsey. If she does not pull her head out of JC's ass here pretty quickly I'm either gonna shove my foot up her ass or end our friendship. I cannot take it any longer. Friendship means communication...we've never had a problem with that. Until she gets a boyfriend. Then she goes stupid. And I mean stupid. Plans her whole life around him and completely ignores her friends. She couldn't even remember stuff I had told her the day before because JC said somethin to her when I was tryin to talk to her. Damn him. I fuckin hate him. I invited her to go with us to Tennessee since our last trip and she wanted to go and was all excited about it. Up until recently...when JC came into the picture. So I basically cut her ass from the list and Lana is goin with me. The last time she acted like this I cut her ass from the list and took Ashley to the movies with me instead of her and she sorta came around. I'm not gonna sit around and wait for her to make up her mind. I have stuff to do and I can find someone to do it with. If not, I'll do it by myself. Then there's my feelings for Brian. I really like him. I've liked him since we were 6. We even went our for awhile and we were inseparable. Now I'm really starting to develop feelings for him. Friday we worked on our homework together and he was asking me questions about my family and we talked about various things. And we were sitting pretty close. Usually I would feel a little weird sitting by someone I have feelings for but I was totally comfortable with him. And I like that feeling...I just don't know if he likes it also. I wish I knew a way of finding out. I'm way too nervous to just go up to him and ask what he thinks about me. I want to let things go slowly this time. I don't want to be rushed into things and I don't want him to feel like he's being rushed. I've already been rushed into things I wasn't ready for. I was ready for them but not that soon. I was talking to my mom about Branden and about how I was getting more feelings for Brian and she told me to drop Branden's ass and if Brian asked me out to go for it because he was better than Branden. I agree he is. I know Brian ALOT better than I know Branden. Branden lives too far away for me...I've never really felt comfortable with the long distance relationship thing. Plus he's 21...he's not gonna want to sit around and just wait for me. I know he's not. I know how he is. He will want to go out with his friends and have a good time. And I respect that. But I can't help feeling a little bit jealous. Christina told me that he got laid 3 times by this chick who done pot. I could have done without the details...especially with her knowing that I still have some feelings for him. But she always finds a way to add that kind of stuff in. Don't get me wrong, I love Christina to death but just sometimes...it just seems to end up hurting me. But I don't like letting people know what hurts me and what doesn't. They seem to think I have no feelings. But what they don't know is that my feelings are being crushed and I'm resorting to a way of hurting myself...cutting.

Current mood: lonely.
Current music: Fuel.

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13th April, 2004. 8:18 pm. Well...

Well the other day I was sitting in biology once again and Jaron came through and was singing a song to me...but I didn't know who they were. I asked him who they were and he said The Doors. I sat there and listened to him and he started to walk to his seat and he turned around, looked at me, and started singin to me again lol. You gotta love him. Chelsey...I just wanna smack her so bad. She acts like a moron when she gets a boyfriend. None of her friends (us) might as well even talk to her when she's with him. She doesn't listen to us. I'm surprised she even acknowledges us. If this is the way she's always gonna be ....it's not gonna fly. She's supposed to tell me tomorrow whether or not she can go to Tennessee with me or not...if she doesn't I'm asking Ashley because I'm tired of waiting on her all the time. I always have to ask her to do stuff. I hate having to do it all the time. Just once I would like for her to ask me first...UGH

Current mood: annoyed.
Current music: Lost Prophets.

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7th April, 2004. 8:10 pm. Me-n-Jaron

Today was a great day! Today I was sitting in my seat in biology and everyday Jaron comes by and grabs me or something. Well today he was coming through and he practically laid on top of me, put his leg over my chair, had his arm around me, and I had my arms around him. I was laughing hysterically and he was talking to me. Mrs. Andry almost got onto us lol. Before he went to his seat he was like "Your hair looks cool down..." and then sat down. When I went to get a worksheet, he grabbed me and pulled me over to where he was sitting and was like "Would you give me a hug?" and I was like "Yeah...". Well he had his back to me and was like "Hug me...". So I leaned over, put my arms around his neck, put my face really close to his and hugged him! Now my hoodie smells like him and he smells really good!! He turned around and looked at me and was like "Thank you...". So I went and done my work and was gonna turn it in and he asked me if I would help him. So I sat beside him and was helping him. He asked me if I thought less of him if he was doing drugs and of course I told him no. So I ended up playing with his hair and he just sorta kept looking at me. Then after I got done helping him he looked at me all serious and was like "I love you..." and I said "I love you too Jaron." lol. We have been friends forever. I consider him to be one of my best best best guy friends. I love his style and his sense of humor. He's just an awesome guy. I couldn't live without him.

Current mood: loved.
Current music: Trapt.

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26th March, 2004. 6:36 pm. So..

Anyways...I've had all Spring Break and this is the only time I have really written in this thing. Amazing. But I'm still single which sucks. Even though I did see Daniel out at walmart today while we were getting some things. But I don't think he recognized me since I have red highlights and I got my hair cut so short. Me and Chels pretty much just cruised all Spring Break. I can't wait till this summer. After having this week off and the weather being nice and being able to cruise with the windows down...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh the fun we will have!! I hope she knows that JC isn't hitching a ride with me everytime we go somewhere. I hate that boy. I haven't talked to Branden since the last time...and his birthday is coming up (30th) and I don't want him to call me and be like "Hey what are you doing" thinking I'm gonna give him a lil some somethin like his last girlfriend did because that ain't happenin. But I miss not being able to see Christina and Anthony. Yes, I do miss not being able to see Branden also lol. DUH! It's weird to be working and them not coming over to the store and see me.

Current mood: peaceful.
Current music: Good Charlotte.

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21st March, 2004. 10:56 pm. UGH

Today at work I wanted to kill Amanda so bad. I could just imagine hurting her...it would feel so right. She kept running off to the back with Chris because he needed help. Big WHOOP! That boy should be able to do his own god damn job. But NOOOOOOOOOO! She has to be back there helping him...she's not helping him. She just stands there watching him do his work. Okay...and then she said that she was the one who was actually working. Right...when I'm doing office she stands there by her register and looks through the window to the office and doesn't do shit. When I'm out there and she's doing office I'm usually checking people out or I'm getting carts off the lot. Not just standing there. Yes, I will admit that I do stand there sometimes because I don't have something to do. Just cause I do it one time it's all my fault. And then Chris...he just had to keep going on about how I needed to start being nicer to her and start treating her with some respect. I'm not treating someone with respect that doesn't even deserve respect let alone live. She should just die. I wouldn't even care. I would dance on her grave! From the time I got there (12) to the time I left (7), I was pretty much up front checking out. I don't mind checking out but occasionally I need to move around and stretch my body. Since I have a crack in my spine it tends to hurt if I'm bent over for a long period of time. And Billy keeps coming over when she works. WHY?! Doesn't that fag have a life? He has his head shoved so far up Amandas ass it's not even funny! Can't he see that what a stupid bitch she is? They're perfect for each other. I just wish that I didn't even have to associate with either of them. But I have too...I have to have a job so I'm able to drive.
My car is fucked up. I hate it. I hate it sooooooooooooooo much. My dad said that he was gonna start looking for another vehicle for me because he wasn't gonna put another penny in it. And I don't blame him. I have paid for more shit for my car than I ever have. It just doesn't wanna stop leaking oil. Nothing seems to be going right.
I haven't talked to Branden for 2 weeks now. I'm seriously thinking about just going on and not letting that put me down. I might as well right? Who knows when I will see him again?

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18th March, 2004. 7:29 pm. Long day

Today was an interesting day. Found out that Chuck and Chris were there...and I didn't really believe it until I seen them myself. Then at lunch we were all just sitting there and JC (Chelsey's boyfriend) kept sayin "I'm thirsty....I'm thirsty" and he kept sayin that for awhile. Well finally Chelsey started to give him money and I looked at him and said "Don't you ever pay for anything yourself?" and he said "No..." and I was like "Yeah..well that's pretty pathetic." and he just sorta looked at me and didn't say anything but in a few minutes he said he wasn't thirsty anymore. He ended up walking away but he came back. Then him and Chels walked off. So she was mad at me...but I guess she got over it. She might as well. I just had to say that because he is always having her buy stuff instead of him. You might call me old fashioned but I'm used to the guy paying for alot of stuff. Yes I do pay my share...but geez. So now JC knows how I feel about him...and he might as well get used to it. I just had to let Chels along with everyone else know how I felt. Tomorrow night I'm gonna go to Chels' house and she's gonna highlight my hair red and I'm gonna tip the ends and put a few highlights of blue in her hair. So it's gonna be interesting. After tomorrow it's SPRING BREAK!!! Finally!! But I'll prolly have to work a few days but I guess I can live with that.

Current mood: bitchy.
Current music: Smile Empty Soul.

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15th March, 2004. 8:33 pm. So much stuff goin on

Well tonight I got alot of my hair cut off...yes I know I'm brave. But it makes me look alot better and I think I'm even good looking with this haircut. So this friday Chels is gonna put some bright red highlights in it and I'm gonna tip her hair in blue. Since Chris is moving to Mitchell and I don't know when I'll be able to see Branden again...I might as well try to get Josh now. I really really like Branden and I would love it if something could happen between us. But it's the whole long distance thing. I don't know how long I could go with that. Plus he's still friends with his ex sara...why would he want to be friends with her? No, I have never met the girl. But from what I have heard, she is one psycho bitch. She got in his Jeep and broke all of his sunglasses and one pair was Anthonys...why would anyone want to do that? Perhaps she is mad that he came down to see me? But then again...I feel retarded because he stopped seeing me to go out with her because she was closer and they had been friends for a long time...and then what did I do? I went and seen him again...I shouldn't have done that...now I really really really like him. He is the first guy that I have really gotten physical with. And no, I didn't sleep with him. All the while that is running in the back of my head. Maybe that's all he wants me for...but he's not getting it from me. Everytime I actually think about the whole situation...I think about how Chels said I should kick him to the curb, how Pam and my mom said the same thing...and then I think about how much I like him. Why does this have to happen to me?! I'm the one who is supposed to be able to tell everyone what to do...instead I'm the one who needs the advice! It feels so weird...maybe with this new look, and how I feel about myself...maybe I'll catch Josh's attention...I can only hope.

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