Stephanie's Blurty
 
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Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in Stephanie's Blurty:

    Sunday, June 15th, 2003
    12:10 am
    Okay. . . it's been a long time. I just need to write this all down before I LOSE MY MIND!! Okay, I love Zach. Zach is awesome. He makes me laugh and he's goofy and just wonderful. But, he's 17 years old. I'm going to be 20. It's not fair. He's just fun to be with. He can be serious at times too. that's always a plus. I wish I could find a good guy. Then there's Jeremy that's wonderful, but he insists that we be friends, which is cool and stuff. . . but I really would like to know him better. He has so many problems and I wish he'd open up to me. I want to help. But, I can't help unless he wants me to. Maybe I'll just be a nun. Maybe I should just relax. Maybe I should just let it all go. I don't know. I give up. I'm going to bed.

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: None
    Saturday, April 12th, 2003
    10:14 pm
    What a few weeks. . . lets just say that it's been rough. I was a depressed mess the past two weeks. I feel better now. I also had my most embarressing moment this past Wednesday. It's been tough, but I'm okay. Mom said that she was worried about me going into a depression. I don't think that's the problem. I think I was just moody. It's been rough. Clarissa is a far away friend now and she doesn't even know it. I took down all our friendship pictures a few nights ago. It was very sad. I'm okay now, though. Now Mom and Dad and Justin are up in my picture frames. It's cool. I have to run now, though. I have to go pick Jamie up from work. . .

    Current Mood: hot
    Current Music: Remember the Titans Soundtrack
    Monday, March 31st, 2003
    11:00 pm
    What a bad day. . . well, not really. It was rough though. It was confusing and now I'm mad and frustrated and anxious and man. . . it's rough. Clarissa isn't who I thought she was. She's been LIEING to me. How long you ask? Since I met her. That is a bunch of crap. It's not fair. I thought she was different. She's my best friend- no, ex-best friend. I wouldn't ever lie to a friend. . . well, except when I get them a present and they try to guess what it is and they figure it out and then I say it's not. . . but that's TOTALLY different. I was SO torn in two places, being in the middle of Justin and Clarissa. I mean, I never really chose sides. I just listened. Man, it's not fair though. Maybe I AM "to nice." Whatever "to nice" is. . . I don't know. I'm always stepped all over. I mean, I've moved 14 times in my life. I thought I had found a good trustworthy friend. Someone I could trust with my secrets and stuff. Nevermind that. That's thrown out the window. She's the one that is spreading that Justin and I are together and having sex. You would think a best friend would know that I'm a virgin and will stay that way until I get married. I think I'm going to end here. I just can't deal with this right now.

    Current Mood: crushed
    Current Music: Chicago (The Soundtrack)
    Thursday, March 27th, 2003
    11:10 am
    It's been awhile since I wrote. Nothing has been going on, to tell the truth. I've just been going to school and stuff. School's kinda stupid at the moment. I mean, don't get me wrong, I really love school and I love staying busy, but I think I'm just burnt out. I don't want to get up in the morning. I'm not depressed or anything, but I mean it's hard to get up. Maybe I should go to bed earlier. I don't know. Baby-sitting and stuff is going good right now. I'm a little worried about this war. Justin has a chance of being sent over and I really don't want to loose him. He's one of my closest friends. I don't want to loose another friend. It was hard when he was gone all summer and all last semester at boot camp and stuff. I was one of the only ones that wrote him while he was there. Isn't that sad? His own girl-friend (Clarissa) only wrote him once. That kind of upsets me. I mean, my own best friend has no heart!! But, what can I do about it? I tried to talk to her- but NO. . . she never listens to me even though I usually am right. Oh well. I'm going to see Dean tonight. He forgot to call me on Tuesday night, but I can't really do anything about it. Oh well. Well, gotta run!

    Current Mood: relaxed
    Current Music: TV - - - War News
    Monday, March 24th, 2003
    10:48 pm
    Today was rough. I don't know. I felt kind of depressed all day. I had to get up early for a chiropracter's appointment at 8. I then proceeded to work out for 45 minutes. I walked a mile and then I rode a bike for two miles. It was nice to work out this morning. I came back to my room and changed and washed up and stuff. I ended up taking a nap for twenty minutes!! I never do that!! What is the problem with me? I don't understand what it is. . . well, anyways. I went to class and stuff and it was boring, as usual. I went to the bank and did errands and stuff. At dinner, I ate with Jamie and Eli. All Jamie is doing is complaining and whinning about her pain. I mean, I understand. She had her wisdom teeth out on Friday. I don't blame her for whinning. I just think that that pushed me to far. I was already depressed in the first place. So, I left dinner before them and I taught a flute lesson and then I met my mom at home, but she was leaving for a Bible Study. So, I decided to go with her. It was so wonderful. I love Katie Gordy. She's the best counselor ever. Mom and I went out to eat and then I came back here and took a shower. Now, I'm here, writing this. I don't even know who reads this. I just figure that this is much easier then actually writing in my journal. It takes to long I guess.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: Carmina Burnana BY: Orff
    Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
    3:21 pm
    Yeah. . . today has been most. . . uh. . . gross. I guess that's what you'd call it. I ended up sleeping over Dean's house last night since we watched a movie until two o'clock or so. I slept in till 11:00. It was a nice sleep. I just woke up in pain. My back is killing me. That chiropracter is suppose to help STOP the pain. . . oh well. Anyways. . . after I got dressed I ended up helping my mom clean Mrs. Jane's house. You see, my brother, Michael, was suppose to be feeding the cat and dog over there since Mrs. Jane and family are out of town. Well, of course, the dog kept coming in with wet, muddy paws and the cat threw up all over the place. I mean it was EVERYWHERE. Well, having the brother I have, he asked my mom and I to help him clean it up and being the good people we are we said okay. Well, Michael ended up having to go to a drill competition and left my mom and I to clean by ourselves. I ended up having to clean the carpet where the cat threw up and stuff. It was SO disgusting. My mom scrubbed the floor on her hands and knees. It was gross. That's all I can say. I'm never going to have a cat or a dog. To many messes. . . I have a fish and the fish doesn't give me any trouble at all. Oh well. Today I am not going to worry about anything. I've decided to give Clarissa a birthday present, but not in person. I'll leave it on her front porch or I'll bring it over to the school to have it delivered to her classroom or something. I'm also baby-sitting tonight from 4-8. Don't I sound like I'm enthused? oh well.

    Current Mood: disgusted
    Current Music: A Walk to Remember Soundtrack
    Friday, March 21st, 2003
    7:42 pm
    Here I am. . .
    So here I am, baby-sitting. I started baby-sitting at 6:30 and both of the kids have to be in bed by 7:30. So, now I'm going to sit here, bored. I just thought that maybe I'd try to write this out. Why do I think so much? I do it so much that I don't even function as well as I should. You know what I mean? I mean, who else would worry about people if they didn't call when they got home? I know I'm scared of death and all, but I'm the only one that I can think of that worries about it. I know life should revolve around living and so forth, but why can't I? Yes, five of my friends have died in four years, but I'm still alive. I'm happy, believe me. But the "what ifs" are driving me crazy. Is this a compulsive thought? Am I obsessive compulsive? I wouldn't think so since live my life quite normally. . . as normal as a goofy person can anyways. Oh well.
    The funniest thing. . . I'm listening to Tony on the baby monitor. He's one years old or so and he's talking. He keeps saying "Ginger? Ginger?" Which is funny since Ginger is the family dog. I love these kids. I feel lik I'm part of there family. The Lemcke family: Lauren (13 years old, 7th grade, tends to do her own thing), Mikey (11 years old, 6th grade, autistic), Alex (7 years old, 1st grade, very outgoing), and Tony (1 years old, hilarious). I talk about this family a lot in my normal journal, so I probubly will talk about them on here a lot too.

    Current Mood: good
    Current Music: A Baby Monitor
    3:35 pm
    Today was. . . or is going okay. Spring Break sucks. I hate it. I have been bored ALL week. Today I woke up at 10:30 or so and went over Dean's house to help him pack some stuff to send out since he sold some stuff on eBAY. It was rather boring. . . until I turned on the TV! Bad move on my part. The war bothers me greatly. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not against the war. I trust my government. They know a whole lot more then I do. I watched in astonisment at the attack today. I'm so confused about that. Oh well, that's kind of normal. On top of all that, I still have to practice my flute before Spring Break is over. I wish I had gotten to go somewhere else, but unfortunitly I didn't get to. Tonight I'm working at the Lemcke's. . . as usual. I only have to baby-sit Mikey and Tony, which is going to be tough. I have to be there at 6:30. I just hope that Mikey doesn't bite me again on the stomach. Can you believe that he bit me on the stomach and drew blood!! I have these bite marks and a huge bruise on my stomach. Well, I couldn't help it. He was mad and I don't blame him. He's autistic and he doesn't quite understand the word "no." I'm sure everything will be okay. On top of all of this, I've been living in my dorm room ALONE. Jamie went home for the week. I've been so bored. I did go to some war movie last night with Randy. Very interesting, let me tell you. That guy from Gladiator was in it. It was an okay movie. I don't know. I got bored at one point. Well, I think that's all right now.

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: My Fair Lady Soundtrack
    3:25 pm
    Today was. . . or is going okay. Spring Break sucks. I hate it. I have been bored ALL week. Today I woke up at 10:30 or so and went over Dean's house to help him pack some stuff to send out since he sold some stuff on eBAY. It was rather boring. . . until I turned on the TV! Bad move on my part. The war bothers me greatly. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not against the war. I trust my government. They know a whole lot more then I do. I watched in astonisment at the attack today. I'm so confused about that. Oh well, that's kind of normal. On top of all that, I still have to practice my flute before Spring Break is over. I wish I had gotten to go somewhere else, but unfortunitly I didn't get to. Tonight I'm working at the Lemcke's. . . as usual. I only have to baby-sit Mikey and Tony, which is going to be tough. I have to be there at 6:30. I just hope that Mikey doesn't bite me again on the stomach. Can you believe that he bit me on the stomach and drew blood!! I have these bite marks and a huge bruise on my stomach. Well, I couldn't help it. He was mad and I don't blame him. He's autistic and he doesn't quite understand the word "no." I'm sure everything will be okay. On top of all of this, I've been living in my dorm room ALONE.

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: My Fair Lady Soundtrack
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