Kari's Blurty -- Entries

Kari's Blurty Entries

Kari

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I didn't ask. . . [09 Apr 2004|08:16pm]

I didn't ask . . .
to be born into a lower middle-class family
to be extremely shy
to be overweight
for my parents to fight for 6 years, leaving me to cry alone
for my parents to finally decide they can't do it anymore, my mom to move out, and for a devastating divorce
to live with my mom, I would have much rather been with my dad
for my dad to find another "love of his life" who has a loving family to which he now calls his own
for a brother who cares souly about himself.. sometimes not even that
that my brother get divorced
for my nieces to have a new family
for my grandpa to die
for no one to care that I was hurting
for a best friend who cares about me on every day that DOESNT end with "y"
for two guys to walk into my life and then walk all over me
to hurt
to cry nearly everyday
to hate myself
I didn't ask for any of these thing, but this is what God has given me. I know there's a reason. . . I've realized that now. What could that reason be though!? Why do I hurt and why do I blame God for it? He gave me these things because He knows I can handle them. I just haven't figured out how to yet. All I know is where I want my life to go, but I can't just wake up one morning and leave these things behind. They will forever be with me. Now it's just turning my life around... turning it into what I want.
What I want. . .
a best friend who I can call up when the tears start to roll, who knows me inside out, who won't leave me when someone "better" comes into their life
love... in any form. I know I say from a guy. . . but that's because I feel that is the only way I'm going to get the love I want and deserve, but it's so not true.
to do better than my family... to have a life where I don't have to worry about money, divorce, all the problems
a family
to not be afraid of who I am
friends
a day without tears
confidence

One day . . . but for now I hurt, I cry, and I wonder . . . maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be better and eventually I'll understand why God did the things He did and then maybe then I will be rewarded.

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Broken World - Across the Sky [08 Apr 2004|02:58pm]

Promises shattered
Answers don't come
Friends say goodbye
Plans come undone
Dreams get crushed
Lies get told
Words can turn cruel
Hearts can grow cold

In a broken world where we cry to feel
Some hope that helps these hearts to heal
You're my strength, You're my refuge
In a broken world, Jesus I'm holding to You

You make sense of the madness
And You make darkness flee
You bring such a calm
To the chaos in me
Show me life
Tell me truth
Day after day I keep running to You

Long ago, we fell so far
Yet You came to where we are

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Where can you go when you can't go home? [08 Apr 2004|10:45am]

[ mood | depressed ]

[ music | Across the Sky - Broken World ]

That is the question that is filling my mind today. I've been sitting here for an hour just bawling. I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I am SO tired. Tired of feeling like I'm doing everything wrong, every decision I make is the wrong one, completely unloved. Now is one of those times when I just want a friend to sit and hold me while I cry. I'm soooo lonely. I have no one. My own parents aren't even here for me. Who do you turn to when the people who gave you life aren't there for you?

What brought on my depression this time... my mom of course. She calls me up and tells me that my nieces can't come on Friday now because my jerkface brother has to work. WHO CARES!? He couldn't care less about those girls. When he's here.. he's not REALLY here. So they'll come next weekend. And I'm a bitch because I told my mom I wouldn't come home next weekend. She doesn't understand I have a LIFE... not much of one, but I do. I can't come home whenever she wants me to. That is NOT how I work. I am home this weekend, NOT next weekend. Why the hell do I have to work my schedule around everyone elses? I'm tired of being a bitch to my mom... who knew I was even trying!?!?

Lynae says she's my best friend.. but where is she? She hasn't talked to me in 5 days. On MSN, she always goes to Busy when I come online. What kind of best friend is that!? Until something traumatic happens in her life, I'm dirt. She has her Dordt friends... she doesn't need me. SHE DOESNT NEED ME. I'm no one's best friend. I'm tired of not being needed... and me needing everyone.

The girls at college have given up on me. Jodi's amazing to them because she doesn't do work and stays up all night to get the work done that she does do just so she can look cool to them. I'm sorry, I don't work like that. I made a choice to keep my grades up and so the girls gave up on me. And I hurt...because no one wants to do anything with me anymore. They come to my room to ask Jodi to do things with them but I"m never included in that. So I sit in my room and watch movies by myself. I'm tired to watching movies by myself.

Nathan is driving me insane. What the hell did I ever see in him!? SEriously! I am not 5!! Do not talk to me like I'm in preschool. I am a woman! A very broken woman, but a woman none the less. I'm more mature than you will EVER be. Stop talking to me. I don't need you agreeing wtih everything I say. I need a friend to tell me how it is. You and I will never be again. Get used to it. I'm tired of you treating me like I'm 5!!

I can't keep doing this! I'm so tired of being alone. . . the only friend I have being MSN. I want to be happy. I want my tears to turn to smiles. I'm not perfect.. I never will be and I never said I was. I can't make you all happy... it's not physically possible. I'm so done! SOMEONE CARE ABOUT ME! SOMEONE ASK ME HOW I AM FOR ONCE!!! SOMEONE GIVE *ME* A HUG! SOMEONE BE THERE FOR ME!!! SOMEONE INVITE ME TO DO SOMETHING!!

I'm tired ... of being the bad guy, of not being included when everyone else is, of feeling ugly, of feeling unloved, of not having a mom, of my brother being the angel when he's done nothing but crapped on this family, of having to change my plans to facilitate everyone else, of having no way out, of being alone, of never having anyone to hug... anyone to cry to... anyone to talk to. I'm SO tired!

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4 hours and counting [06 Apr 2004|01:13pm]

YAYA. Easter break starts for me in exactly 4 hours! It's insane, but I'm actually eXcItEd to go home. What's with that?? I usually hate going home. I think it' sjust because things have been so crazy here. I don't have much to miss so it doesn't hurt to leave. Remembering back to our first semester break, when I almost cried to leave because I was going to miss people so much and now I can turn away without even thinking twice. Things have changed so much in the past 5 months. I loved being here and now it's as if I don't even go here anymore. I feel as though I'm already in summer. I'm scared to think what summer will do to me, but excited at the same time. I hope summer is good for me. How can't it be!? I just want to spend the summer learning to love myself. Whatever it takes to do that, I'm going to do it and succeed, come back next year, and show people who I truly am and just shine. Ohhh to dream. All I know is I'm not going to miss college much... at least the first month or so. Then, maybe as Iget thigns figured out, all will become better. I hope at least. I don't want another year like this where things started out amazing and faded so quickly. It's like a picture slowly fading.. it was so bright at once but now all the images are blurred. That's how I feel about my life here at college. AT first it was so clear that this is where I belonged.. I had friends how cherished me and who loved me and now those friends are gone and I'm stuck wondering if maybe.. just maybe God has other plans for me. hmmmm. Random thoughts for the day.

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Life goes on [05 Apr 2004|04:02pm]

I'm sick. It sucks, but of course life still goes on. I still have to go to class. I still have to be everyone's counselor blah blah. My friends are just getting so frustrating. Why!? I'm not Wonder Woman and at the same time I HATE being crapped on. Seriously. I didn't ask for this. I have been nothing but nice SINCERELY nice to everyone and I don't get it in return. I'm so confused as to who my true friends are. EVeryday it just gets worse and worse. Friends who read this... don't take me for granted. I might not be here some day when you need me if you keep treating me like crap. I don't like being your every-other-day friend and I refuse to be stepped on just because you think you've found someone better. I'm human. I can only take so much!

And so the day goes on... Easter break 25 hours away WOOHOO.

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... and the lonliness deepens [03 Apr 2004|09:07pm]

LEt me start off by saying Alicia and Brant I love you both beyond words. I am ECSTATIC that you both have found the love of you lives. Please understand that I LOVE hearing your stories about Nate and Kerry and I love that you trust me enough and love me enough to tell me the things you do. This entry is just me feeling sorry for myself. I promise it is not against you! I love you both!

But anyway... the lonliness I feel lately is cutting me like a knife. It eats at me all day as I watch the happy couples and hear everyone's happy stories. And at night I get the lonliest because I don't have anyone to hug goodnight or who probably even cares about what I'm doing at that moment or what I'm thinking about. I KNOW it's going to happen for me someday and it will be wonderful, but this waiting period is seriously killing me. No guys look at twice, even once for that matter. I feel like the ugliest, most unattractive person in the entire world all the time. I feel like I have to dress differently or cut my hair differently and maybe then.. just maybe, someone will start to get interest in me. I know that's horrible and I refuse to change who I am, but it's getting to the point where I just can't take it anymore.

Alicia, Brant, and Lynae have all found the love of their lives. EVERYDAY I hear these amazing stories and they just tear at my heart because here I am, frumpy me, still waiting. I don't have anyone to hug, I don't have anyone who says they love me, I don't have someone to confide everything in in that way. It makes me feel horrible. I just want to crawl into bed and cry it away. Alicia and Brant always tell me how amazing I am. And I believe them, but at the same time their words only go so deep. They don't reach that core that only a love could reach. And neither one of them are here. They're not here to give me hugs on nights like these when I just want to sit and bawl with someone. They're not here to talk to when something horrible happened or when something amazing happened. If I didn't have MSN, I wouldn't have a life!

I know God has His timing all planned. I should just trust and not worry about it, but I do. I dont want to feel like this forever. And I don't want to keep hearing my friends say it's going to happen for you.. I know it will. Do they truly mean it!? I'm beginning to wonder if they're words are just getting routine and that deep in their hearts they don't feel it. I just want someone who I can treat like a prince and who will treat me like his princess. I know I'm only 18 (almost 19), but a huge part of me is saying that it's going to be along time before it happens. And I know I had 2 boyfriends this year, but looking back they were AWFUL. I could have never married them EVER! They were nothing like what I want. Maybe I'm just seeking too much. Maybe I"m just an awful person who is asking too much of everyone.

I don't know. . .
All I know is I don't want another lonely night like tonight.

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Just for my Alicia [01 Apr 2004|09:38pm]

Alicia... what can I say about her except she is awesome. Except when you gets in her controlling mood as she is in tonight HAHAH. Just kidding Alicia I LOVE YOU sooooo much!! You are awesome. Alicia is the best. SEriously, I've found a TRUE, my first TRUE friend in this world and I never want to lose that. I'm so excited to meet her in person!!! SO :P Alicia.. you're the best and most awesome person I know!!

Beyond that. . . my life is boring. So ends my entry.

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RAHHHHHHHHH [01 Apr 2004|10:32am]

Seriously!!! My 'friend' Jill is going to drive me freaking insane! I"m sorry but I need to vent. I'm so utterly disgusted with her right now. She thinks the entire world revolves around her and it pisses me off like none other. I have never felt so much anger towards one person. Everything has to be done on her time... b/c you know, no one else has a life WHATEVER! If you do something she wouldn't do then you're a bad person who's going to hell... b/c she's perfect! AGAIN WHATEVER!! She's pissed at me for quitting band and makes it obvious that she looks down on me. If I'm so awful then DON'T TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah I just want to scream. I have never met anyone more hypocritical, more self-centered, more spoiled than her in my entire life!!
5 more weeks and I may never have to speak to her again.... that would be great b/c I can NOT handle her anymore. Ya know something... I may have a social life... SUE ME! but I'm still getting a higher GPA than her! EAT THAT ONE! And yeah my friends are weird... maybe I didn't meet them in person the first time... SO WHAT!? I LOVE those friends DEARLY. Theya re better to me then she ever has been. Jill! I"m sick of you treating me like I'm the dirt of the earth. GET A LIFE!!!

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Different [29 Mar 2004|09:37am]

[ mood | crappy ]

So I just got back from band tour right? It sucked. Just like I knew it would. I'm completely against big group trips and at the same time I just want to go on a vacation. I don't want to travel and have all these responsibilities. THAT is why I am looking so forward to summer. I an just go places and relax and not have the 100000 responsibilities that all of these other trips have laid upon me. Anywho.. yes band tour sucked. Long story, would rather just forget about it!

This weekend, I really started feeling bad about myself though so I made a list of all of the things I hate about myself. The list got rather long I'm afraid. It's just strange to me that almost all of what I listed were outside appearance things. I despise how I look most of the time. There are very few times in my life when I feel truly beautiful. Most of the time I feel fat and ugly... which some might agree I am. I don't have the power to change everything about how I look, but I do have some control over it. It's time I change that I think. With a little effort, I could be the next Barbie. Ok never, but you know. I'm just sick and tired of feeling like the ugly duckling.. that's all.

And speaking of looks, I really feel like that's what's keeping me from finding Mr. Right. Guys aren't attracted to me, or Ijust don't let guys see my inner beauty so they stay away. I'm thinking the first part of that is more right than the second. I'm not thin, I don't have tan skin, my hair never looks perfect, I don't dress stylish. Guys don't go for girls like that... at least not automatically. I hate that guys have to get to know me for years before they ever get interested.I just hate being me sometimes. I know that sounds horrible and that I am perfect in God's eyes, but there are times when I'm just like "ugh!! why can't I be one of those girls!?"

And then speaking of "one of those girls" why is it that these gorgeous girls get all the guys, treat them like crap, and then break their hearts. If I had any guy, I would treat him like a Prince as long as he treated me likehis Princess. I'm getting tired of being around the girls who can't just get one guy... they get 12. And 10 of the guys are jerks and 2 are the sweetest things on earth. They choose the jerks over the sweet guys. But those sweet guys won't go for girls like me... so I'm screwed either way.

Needless to say, I'm sick of being me. I'm sick of not finding love while everyone else is and I'm just sick of everything in general. I want school to be over. I don't want to be here anymore. The stress is getting to be way too much. Like tonight, there's this huge party thingy at my dorm and I'm not going. I know that everyone is probably mad at me or doesn't understand why, butI just don't want to go. I want to go home and watch tv for a while. I want to just BE for awhile. I haven't just BEEN for like 4 weeks it seems like. I've been going and going and going and now its crash time. I haven't spent any time with God besides my prayers at meals and at night. My relationship with Him is hurting and I think that's why I feel so horrible about myself anymore.

Am I really that horrible of a person!? Because I feel like it... really bad right now. My friends treat me like crap alot of the time, guys don't like me, new people don't want to take the time to get to know me... what's wrong witth me!? I know God knows what He's doing with me... but I'm broken and need to be put back together again.

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Oh the stress [22 Mar 2004|07:41pm]

[ mood | cranky ]

Things were going SO good... and then today it all hit me like a giant rock. I have SO much to do and it's all because of stupid BAND. I HATE it! Seriously! I'm about ready to tell them to shove it and walk out. In the next 2 - 3 days.. I have absolutely NO free time.. NONE... sleeping could even be an issue. And I'm supposed to go to the Avalon concert on Wednesday night and I don't even know if I'll be able to do that. I might just have to pay for my ticket and tell Lynae I can't go which breaks my heart but UGH!!!!!
I'm really trying not to stress out and pray about everything and just let what happens happen but that's not working so well for me right now. I just want to crawl into my bed and cry. I can not get bad grades on these upcoming tests. If I do, I'll never get my grades back up.
Sigh . . . Easter break 11 days and counting... something to look forward to! Summer . . . 28 days. Something even more exciting to look forward to!

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Ahhh..... love is in the air. [21 Mar 2004|11:35pm]

[ mood | blank ]

Yes love. It seems to be everywhere.... again just not around me. Alicia and Brant have found the loves of their lives and they're so happy!! And I'm so happy for them!! It makes me all giddy and happy inside! =) They both deserve it... seriously. I can't think of two people who deserve love and that kind of feeling more than those too. Lynae thinks she's found love too. Now I'm not saying Lynae isn't deserving of it, but she questions it and forces Cody to prove his love all the time. I feel like she's making mistakes and not just letting God have control... which is completely wrong.

BUT of course there's that side of me that is sad. Not because of them, but because I haven't found that yet. I don't even LIKE anyone right now. Love seems so far off in the distance. And I know I shouldn't complain... I've had two boyfriends.. well ok one basically while in college, yet I feel this empty space. Everyday I just long more and more for that someone who I can hug and hold hands with and just feel so.... right. Someone who will understand everything I'm saying and loves me. I know I keep saying that but it's so true. I'm just scared it won't happen. I know I have to give it up to God because He has a plan for me and He'll send the right man to me when it's time... I'll get my reward... someday.

As for now I fill the void with lovely friends.... or shall I say lovely frienD.

I've also been thinking about other crazy things lately... again about Alicia and Brant. They are just such beautiful... truly beautiful people. I so badly want to be like that. I can't explain it. They just have way of being totally amazing to me and I want to fit into that. They're both so passionate about everything they do and are so poetic. That's the kind of person I want to be. It may be unattainable but it can be a goal.. maybe. I just want to have that inner beauty that shines for everyone to see. I just have these weird, random thoughts that those two people are who I want to be as insane as that may sound. I'm getting happier with myself.. but there's always room for improvement.

Ah, what do I know?
Kari

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Ho hum di dum [20 Mar 2004|07:27pm]

[ mood | bouncy ]

[ music | None - - Silence ]

So tonight I went to the One Act Plays as their called... I needed a break from studies!! ANYWAY! I saw "the guy" there again. "The guy" is this guy on campus who, I can't explain why, but I am completely attracted to. Like every time I see him I just get this butterfly feeling and it's so weird. He is just so gorgeous to me. I've never talked to him, I don't even know his name. And like he's not even that drop-dead gorgeous, but there's something about him that catches my eye all the time. I didn't even noticed him until this semester so I wonder if he's a transfer student or something. Ah it's just crazy. No one's ever had that effect on me!

So yes, got much work done... still got much to do. Oh well. I do how I do. I worry too much and care too much about everything. I'm leaving this stuff up to God. He knows what he's doing and he's proven that to me time and time again these past few days. It's time for me to stop worrying and let God take control. That is my plan of action for the rest of this year... for the rest of my life!!

Tonight, at the one acts, when I was basically watching "the guy" I just sat there and thought about how badly I want that feeling with someone. You know, the feeling of they knock you off your feet every time you're with them. And after hearing my friends talk about how they feel with their boyfriends and such.. yeah I get a bit jealous. I want to look at someone and know that they care for me and love me despite my flaws and that I'm the only woman they want ever. I know it's going to happen for me.. I'm just so ready and impatient. I have so much love to offer someone. Sigh... someday! my prince will come :)

Tomorrow's Sunday.. you know what that means =)

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INSANE [19 Mar 2004|10:46pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

[ music | Here without you - 3 doors down ]

Yeah so I'm not freaking out anymore.... but seriously you all would be too. 2 MASSIVE I mean MASSIVE study guides to do for Biblical studies and General Psychology. 5 pages worth of notes for my college writing research paper. Read 100 pages for Concepts (and yes you really have to read it!), a simulation for Psych + 3 essay questions. Besides practicing my flute in preparation of my solo performance in a little over a month. And with band tour next weekend!! AHHHH!!!! Yes I think I am justified in freaking out.
I'm taking my 10 minute break right now to let you all know that I am alive and well :) I got SO much done. Coming home to do my work was a great idea because I can not concentrate at college at all. I'm still sad that I don't get to socialize very much anymore but if I do good on these two tests, I can slack a little from now on. These two tests are the deciding factor =S So I hope they go good!!!! Fingers crossed. Pray for me Tuesday and WEdnesday :)
Oh yes... yesterday Chris came online. I think one of you might remember him... my English friend?? Well yeah he's a jerk and I'm completely deleting him from all my messengers and not emailling him ever again. Seriously! You wouldn't believe the conversation we had. I don't even want to go into detail.. lets just say it was horrible!
On a positive boy note =) CUTE CUTE CUTE Concepts boy keeps talking to me. He's gorgeous!! Too bad he's taken. He's so nice though and his girlfriend is a witch. Why do guys go for girls like that when there's girls like me?? heheh I'm modest.. I really am ;) But I just don't get how an amazing guy like that has such a crappy girlfriend. I'd treat him like a prince if he was mine. ... oh to dream!!!
I can't wait until Sunday when Alicia gets back. Crazy but I miss talking her!!! She seems to be the only one who understands me... seriously! I was reading her journal again today and I was just like "holy cow! I think that ALLL the time or I act like that ALLL the time!" I don't have that with anyone else... everyone else just says "get over it". Yeah well...sometimes you can't!!
Ok back to studies!! Lata!
Kari

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I just wanna cry! [17 Mar 2004|08:16pm]

[ mood | crappy ]

Oh my gosh I have so much to do and I'm SO tired and just wanna fall into my bed!!! I seriously just felt like crying all day. THere is no way I'm going to get all this stuff done!! I know you're saying "so why are you online?!" I NEED A BREAK!!!! Don't you ever just need 10 minutes to do something besides stare at a book or music!? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so there.
So if you don't hear from me for awhile I either studied myself to death or I'm still studying. =( I'll be back to vent more later!

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Feeling out of place [16 Mar 2004|08:15pm]

[ mood | restless ]

Moments of clarity come at the strangest times! For me, watching American Idol brought about thoughts that clarified some things. I really don't feel like I belong here. I can't pinpoint exactly why that is but I think there's alot of reasons for it. I'm just not like everyone else here and thus don't fit in with any group. Everyone else has established these amazing relationships with people. Me, I don't think I'll really miss anyone when I go away for the summer. I hate that feeling. I mean, I could have an amazing group of friends if I wanted to, but that would force me to give up the grades and everything else that I've worked so hard for. The people who have great relationships here are getting horrible grades. I'm a firm believer that you can have great friends and not have to give up classes and your grades to do such. If they're really your friends, they'll love you even if you do work hard and have to make some sacrifices. People here just don't realize that!! So I obviously don't have any amazing friends here.

Also, I dont' know what it is, I just feel like God is calling to somewhere else or to something else. Alot of prayers and talking to the people who truly love me is definitely going to need to be done!! College info should be rolling into tomorrow ROCK ON!!!

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Gift from God? [16 Mar 2004|04:02pm]

[ mood | bouncy ]

[ music | Longing Heart - Jeremy Camp ]

Yesterday sucked. I was feeling completely down and then I go to counselling again and I just felt worse. Note to self: Stopping counselling. When your counselor tells you you're basically wasting her time... time to not go anymore! That actually angers me so much. She's supposed to be there to help me. The reason I don't open up to her is b/c I don't know how to open up to people.. duh! Problem! HELP!
Anyway... so I'm feeling crappy... pretty much in tears all day. Then I open my email and there's an email from Alicia. I had been reading her journal for awhile and thought she's awesome and wanted her to know that so I had emailled her, not expecting a reply. But of course she did reply and that in itself made me feel better.. not sure why. One of those wierd things I guess. Then I'm like I should just add her to MSN and if she wants to talk to me she can.. if not then that's fine too.
Well she did talk to me. We talked for like 2 hours! She's as awesome to talk to as her journal makes her seem... even more so! This probably sounds crazy but it was like an answered prayer to me. Her and I really understand what each of us is going through. I hope we continue to talk. I think there might be a great friendship that could form from this. AFter talking to her, I felt so much better. It's as if I had talked to my long lost best friend or something!! I know that sounds completely insane. IT's just something I can't describe. I've been struggling so much lately with not having close friends and just longing for a connection with someone. Maybe Alicia's the answer to that prayer??

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Disappointed [11 Mar 2004|11:31pm]

[ mood | disappointed ]

[ music | Sunday Morning - Maroon 5 ]

I have a problem. I'm disappointed. Not in myself and not in the things of this world but in other people. After hours and hours of analyzing and listening to my friends just talk about their lives and observing their actions throughout the day, I end up disappointed. Each one of my friends, especially those I am particularly fond of, have so much potential, they are just amazing people, yet they just let their lives go or they worry about stupid things and go about life in the wrong way. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I don't know have all the answers, but I hate seeing so many awesome people struggle so much when the solution to their problem is on the tip of my tongue. I've learned to bite that tongue though in fear of hurting them or even myself.
This disappointment has spread to my own life. I have so much potential. I know where my life can go. I know what I should be doing but I'm not doing it. I'm being held back by something. I just haven't figured out what that something is and it's taking all the energy I have to rack my brain to try and figure out what is keeping me from being everything I want and need to be.
I have so much I want to do.. be a teacher, be a counselor, possibly get my masters degree, get married, have children, keep playing the flute, give lessons, become closer with my family, travel, make a difference in the world. What's keeping me from this??? Myself! That's the only answer I've come to. I spend so much time making sure everyone else is ok with my decisions that I never listen to myself. It's so stupid and it's so hypocritical of me. How can I tell my friends to not listen to others and pursue their dreams if I can't do it myself. That's what I am. A hypocrite. I give advice and give advice but don't take any of it myself. THAT has got to stop.
I'm realizing I'm an amazing person. Yes I have flaws, everyone does. But God still loves me and He's using me for something. I do have a purpose on this earth even though I haven't found it yet. I just feel like I have all these dreams and don't have the means to get anywhere. And when I get close to something, I push it away or I miss it and am totally blind to the opportunity.
Take my love life.... I had an amazing guy. I still do. Someone who worships the ground I walk upon. An amazing Christian guy who treats me like an angel. But I don't feel the same way about him. This is what I've wanted and now that I have it.. I don't want it anymore. Is that how my whole life is going to be?? Longing for something, getting it and then pushing it away and starting from square one again!?
I have fears. Fears that I'm going to end up 40, single, living with cats, being the guidance counselor every elementary teacher fears, and above all alone.
I just need to find myself!!

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I HATE it here [27 Jul 2003|12:11pm]

As my subject says I hate it here. I can not live in this town any longer. Even in 27 days.. which is how much time I have left :)... I think I'm going to go insane! First of all.. the adults in this town. GOSSIP! GOSSIP! GOSSIP! I'm sorry but if the situation has nothing to do with you, STAY OUT OF IT! And if you don't know if it's true, don't pass it around! All I know is if I ever heard someone talk about me behind my back the way I've been hearing people talk lately I would lose it! And I hate to say it, but my grandma is the QUEEN of Gossip. She has no life of her own so she finds entertainment in putting others down and talking about other people when the truth is she really has no idea what is going on and doesn't know the whole situation. I start to cry when I think of my own family doing this to other people. I am not blameles.. I know this. But I know where to draw the line. I never repeat a story unless I heard it from the person themself or from a close friend of theirs and even then I don't repeat the story unless it would affect the person I'm telling. So yeah.. I don't get it! and I really hate that portion of my life.

Then the kids in my OLD school. There is more to life than being popular. I have no idea how I ever survived 13 years with ANY of these people. Sitting back now it just eats at me to see these people and how they live they're lives. IT's not who you are, it's what you wear, how much money you have, and who you're friends with. Well ya wanna know something? I wear clothes from sales racks and Wal-mart, I don't have any money, and I only have about 5 close friends. I've never drank, never smoked, and I'm still a virgin and you know I'm probably happier than those kids ever have been or ever will be. Why? Because I can look at myself in the mirror every morning with satisfaction knowing that I have stood by what I believe in for 18 years. I have nothing to regret at all. Needless to say.. Goodbye to everyone from high school, I honestly hope that I rarely see you guys around.

And then my 'friends'. I'm so angry and frustrated. I don't even want to talk about it all, but honestly how did I ever put up with these people for as long as I did. Am I just that more mature than them or are they really just insane!? There is more to life than boys! And if you have something bad to say about me.. come out and say it to my face. Don't talk about me behind my back. I can't stand that!

Thank God for all of the new friends in my life. You all are so awesome and I feel so blessed to have you guys in my life now. And as far as friends I had in high school I hope Jill and Brant keep in touch. Anyone else I honestly could care less. I'm sick of the hypocrites, the lies, and the immaturity that seems to have invaded their lives.

Even after all of this life is good. I have a God who loves me, two new BEST friends, and I'm leaving for college in 27 days.

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Jesus knew what it was like to be popular, and also to be hated by everyone [25 Jul 2003|07:46pm]

Those words in my subject are the powerful words spoken by my friend Lisa tonight and they will forever be in my heart. In 20 minutes, she left me with more to think about then any bible study, cathecism class or school class for that matter has ever made me think before. Especially those words. Jesus knew what it was like to have everyone loving Him and worshipping Him and then a friend betrayed him and everyone followed. Isn't that how life is? No matter how much we feel alone everyone! even Jesus went through it. Because of those words, I will never be the same. Needless to say Lisa did an awesome job. I feel absolutely blessed that she is a part of my life and thinking about her friendship and knowing that I had such an impact on her life. I have never been more proud of someone in my entire life. And I know that if she didn't touch one of those candidates hearts WHICH I KNOW SHE DID! she surely left a mark on my heart that will always be there.

There is something about TEC that just .. oh it's indescribable. Going into that church tonight felt so good. Seeing all those familiar faces smiling was awesome. I didn't want to leave. But I get to go back tomorrow and spread more of God's love at the Agape supper. And thank God Lynae is going with me. I feel her and I are becoming closer as we become closer to God and I'm so happy she'll be there to share this experience with me.

Right now I just feel all tingly and I want to tell all of my friends that I truly love each and everyone of you so much. I take you for granted sometimes and feel alone, but now I know that I'm not. The list of friends I have now is so long that I can't even list them all. And each one gives me something new... a new piece of my heart is spoken for by each one of them. And while I'll miss them when I go to college, I know when I get back that they'll all still be there. And if they're not, that God is watching over them for me and will bring me back to them if something ever happens to anyone of them.

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