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[06 Aug 2006|08:59pm] |
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[17 Jun 2004|03:25pm] |
Excuse my rampage last entry. Although I'm not sorry about it. It's how I feel. I'm not depressed about anything, I'm just utterly angry. I'm sick of being here... in small town Iowa. I'm sick of my parents... not caring what I do with my life. Even though they should. I've always maintained the perfect daughter status for them and I'm not reaping any of the benefits. I've never drank.. still to this day. Never tried drugs or smoking. I'm still a "virgin plus" as I like to call it. I got good grades all through school and into college. I never ask for money unless I absolutely need it. I've kept a job for two summers now. I'm always home when they ask me to be. But it never fits into their lives. I'm living the American Dream life and they're living the Divorce Court/ COPS/ People who go on Dr. Phil life! I'm tired of feeling like I don't even belong in my own family. It hurts and forces me to ask God a lot of questions which I really hate to do.
I know there's someone out there who feels the same way I do right now. I wish she wasn't 10 hours away so we could sit and comfort each other. It's all a part of this cruel life we've been given. No one said it was going to be easy, but no one said it was going to be this harsh either.
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[10 Jun 2004|06:43pm] |
I miss Alicia. I know she's hurting because of the whole NAte thing but I really think she's going to be better off. I hated seeing her so miserable with him. IT's so not worth it, no matter how much you love someone. I pray that her movie ending really does happen... I know she'll be ok but I wish I could be there with her. I wish I could be with her all the time. I left a part of me there that I can't get back here and I hate it. I hate it so much. I love you Alicia .... and Brian. You two made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life. Distance sucks like none other.
So today, I almost hit a car on the way back from my eye doctor's appointment. Couldn't see anything coming so I went for it and almost hit this young girl.. stupid thing flipped me off!! Things like that make me embarrassed to be human.
I'm reading the book "Boundaries in Dating". It's awesome... highly recommended by me. It shows you how you should go about dating and have a lasting relationsihp. I know that might sound corny to some people but I think it's all true and very good to keep in mind. I dont' believe in divorce and in all honesty I'm sick of the whole dating thing. I want to meet the right one and be done dating.. done forever. I long to meet that guy that is going to love me completely for who I am and look beyond my flaws because I've learned to.
After going to Indiana I don't care about anything. I dont' care that I'm 30 pounds overweight, that I can't play a sport if my life depended on it, that I'm scared to fail. I finally love who I am and just don't care anymore!! THAT is what I left in Indiana and I need it back. I want it back so badly but I don't know how to get it here.
I just want everything to work out.. for me and all my friends. I want Alicia to get what she wants in love. Brant I wish I the same thing. He's hurting so much over Kerry and I'm scared. I'm scared he's going to do something that he's either going to really regret later or that could potentially hurt him. I love Alicia and Brant so much. They are the two people in this world that love ME. They've never asked me to change who I am or gotten angry at me for being myself.... UGH! Why can't everyone be like that!!!
Pissed at the world.. that's what I am!
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| Here I am at Ali's |
[04 Jun 2004|04:52pm] |
So I made it to Alicia's yesterday :) It as a long ride but definitely worth it!! I really like it here... even though it's very different from where I'm from. I guess it just makes me see how much I'm missing out on life and how much I wish I had and everything, but it's good. I'm so happy I get to spend these days with Alicia. She's even more awesome in person then she is on MSN... a little annoying about the journal ;) but still awesome. I love her even more now then I did before.
Lets see... what else is new in my life? Ah yes... Logan told me how he really feels about me the other day. He told me he likes me as more than a friend and thinks that when we meet in person he's feelings will only grow. I'm really happy about it and scared at the same time. I don't know. I really like him too but I know that when we meet in person that things are going to be different and probably not in a good way. I guess I'll just have to wait and see when we meet as to what happens. I think about him a lot though and I really really really do like him, but ya know, one of us might not feel the same way when we meet in person. I'm just as guilty of that happening as he is. AHHH why do boys have to be so difficult?? I'm ready to just fall in love and be done with the whole dating thing. It's too much work. God please let something work out soon!
And.... yeah that's it for now. I'll post more later because SOMEONE will force me to!!!!
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| so many things |
[30 May 2004|09:59pm] |
Wow I haven't written in here FOREVER...I guess I've been too busy running around like a chicken with her head cut off or something or otherwise just had nothing that seemed of importance.
Ok there are some things important....
First off I GET TO SEE MY ALICIA!!! You have NO idea how excited I am. I get to see her for 5 days!!! YES 5 DAYS!!!! I'm leaving next THursday and will be gone until the following Tuesday. I am excited beyond imagination. We're going to have the best time even if we don't really do anything. It will be great to get beyond MSN and really get to do things with her. I love my AliAli :) She's even going on a college visit with me... if I ever get the freaking thing scheduled!!
Ah yes college.. I'm applying to Hope in Holland, Michigan and Trinity in Palos Heights, IL. We'll see what happens I guess. I'm just not looking forward to going back to Northwestern at all. I don't want another unhappy year because I was miserable and I think next year might be even worse. Of course I'd miss it and the people but ya know.... gotta do what's right for me.
Not much else is going on I guess.... love sucks. I think a few people would agree with me right now which is why I am seriously ok with being single. COMPLETELY ok with it for the first time ever. So I will be single forever I think heheh well until I'm 30 at least..... that's when Brant and I will get married haha.
So that's my news for now.... maybe I'll have more to talk about tomorrow....anywho. I'm out!
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| I just want to leave Iowa and start over |
[24 May 2004|09:44pm] |
In the past few days I've had this overwhelming urge to just get out of here. I don't know what it is... probably Rod's death. Just realizing how precious my life is and I feel like I'm just wasting away staying here. I'm not happy here... at home, at Northwestern. So why am I staying??
This sudden urge to pick up and leave has come after I realized that I have NO friends at college... ok besides Amanda. She seems to be the only one who truly cares about how I'm doing. Lynae, Melissa... everyone for that matter came back here missing their group of 20 friends who would do anything for them. Nope not so much here. I thought I had friends, but since I've left college, I've seen the light. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to go back to college next year being alone all the time. And I can't lean on Amanda all the time. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to me.
I've really been thinking of transferring... I just don't know where to and I probably wouldnt' be able to do it until 2nd semester which totally sucks but ya know. I could go where one of my friends is going... again leaning on someone though... again completely unfair. SO BLAH. I'm really attracted to Hope college in Michigan... but the cost is not looking good. But the college looks beautiful, it's 9 hours from home which is so appealing, I have someone who will take me up there to visit this summer, it's just like Northwestern but bigger. Oh how I wish I could figure things out!!!!
And I have to say I miss my Ali :( I've barely talked to her in the past two weeks and it sucks!!!!!!!!!!! That's probably why I'm all depressed. I have no one to talk to and make faces at :( Saddness lies deep within me.
Ok.. enough babbling for now.
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| The biggest hurdle... I made it |
[22 May 2004|02:08pm] |
Today I went to the funeral. I could tell you every detail of every minute because it is something I will remember for the rest of my life. For that hour, any hatred, any pent up anger, any resentment towards anyone vanished and for that time, we were one person, one community mourning, suffering, and remembering. There were so many people. . . of course teachers and students who wanted to have a chance to say goodbye. I held back my tears as long as I could, but it wasn't easy. I never really got to see Lisa... probably better that way. I wouldn't have known how to react or how to speak to her anyway.
My tears were being held back until the sermon. The pastor spoke of how Rod's family wanted everyone to get the message to remember that your parents love you. Even if they forget to say it, they truly love you. THAT struck me SO hard. She spoke of how Rod felt so much pain, that he couldn't have been in his right mind, and he made a split second decision in which he felt he couldn't go on anymore. Her message went farther, but she wanted to get across that Rod's life was not wasted. If his decision and death can save someone else from making the same choice, then Rod's life was not a waste. That he's an angel now watching down on us and keeping us from doing the same thing.
Then Rod's best friend came up and read a poem he had written. Of course when it started I had tears in my eyes, but there was a point in the poem where I completely lost it. His best friend said something to the effect of the bullet that Rod shot bounced off Rod and went straight into his best friends heart. At that moment, the entire crowd just lost it. His friend finished the poem... saying how he doesn't know how he'll go on and how Rod will be missed more than anyone else. Needless to say, it was beyond a doubt the saddest thing I had ever EVER heard in my entire life.
They then went on to play the song "I Can Only Imagine". That song makes me cry anyway, but in this situation, tears poured out of my eyes. I will never be able to play that song again without bursting into tears.
The service finished off by the family's next door neighbor talking.. He told stories about Rod's childhood that made us laugh... but then the laughter stopped. Because the man went on and spoke about how God was there. This is the part that will stay with me the most. He said.. God was there when Rod went to jail the night before... and God wept. God was with Rod the next morning when Rod told his mom everything would be ok now. . . and God wept. God was holding Rod when he lay down in that ditch and pulled the trigger... and God wept. God wept exactly how we are weeping now because a life was taken, a life was finished far too soon. God was there and God wept and now Rod is with God and they are both weeping for us and the suffering we are now going through. I have never heard anything more powerful in my entire life. Except his last line.... "Don't remember Rod for what he did on Wednesday morning... remember Rod for the joy he brought to your lives and for the smiles the placed upon your faces."
So the pain is still there... maybe more than it was before the funeral. But in the midst of it all.. God is there.
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| Work was hard |
[20 May 2004|02:10pm] |
As expected... work was really hard today. Walking in and not seeing his graduation stuff up anymore was when I knew it was real. And then Amy came in... she had been to see his sister and she couldn't even tell us what Lisa was going through because words can not express. Amy was bawling and with good reason. Needless to say, it was a rough day to take in... but at the same time, the world continued and things had to keep going. But I thought about it all day.
Thank you to all my friends for supporting me but I don't want to cry to you about it because the pain I feel is not even .000000001% of the pain his family and friends are going through right now. It would be completely selfish of me to ask you guys to sit down and talk with me and feel sorry for me. I do want to talk about it but that's it... talk about it. I don't want the hugs and stuff because in a week, I'll be ok, but his family and friends will never forget.... ever. They will feel the same about of pain as they do today in 20...30...50 years. So thank you to everyone for caring about me... I'll be fine. The tears come and go but only because I keep thinking about how I remember him last year and just running through my head what his sister must have experienced.
Work was hard... but graduation is going to be harder. PLEASE pray for the Rice family and all of their friends. Prayers aren't even close to enough but I know that God can heal them.. with time.
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| Oh my God |
[20 May 2004|04:55am] |
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At 5 o'clock last night, my grandma called me telling me news I was not expecting. She told me that someone that I knew pretty well killed himself yesterday morning. The news hit me really hard. I'm still in tears about it and I don't think I'll ever be the same after this experience. He was in the grade below me so he was friends with a lot of my good friends. I'm not sure how I'm going to talk to them. It's going to be a really really really rough week and weekend. He and my friends are supposed to graduate this weekend which makes things even worse.
This morning already, my mom told me the story of how he did it. His sister watched the whole thing. His sister was in my class and I can not imagine how she is taking this. Just thinking about her watching it makes me cry a lot. God! I really can not believe this happened. I think everyone is in shock. He is not the kid you would think would do something like this at all.
I don't feel like saying much else right now. I have to get to work... he worked where I work too which means this is going to be a very very hard day at work.
Will post more later.
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| My life in a nutshell |
[16 May 2004|10:03pm] |
So I haven't been updating much on here lately.. not because I don't have anything to talk about. I guess.... well I'm not sure why I don't, but alas, here I am. What's been going on in my life? Plenty!
I started work yesterday morning. It's exactly how it was last year, which in a sense is good. I didn't have to learn anything new, but it could definitely be a long summer if something interesting doesn't get goin at the Old Folks Home :) I'm exhausted. Getting up at 4:30 completely sucks, but being done at 1:30 is really nice so it balances itself.
Tonight, I gave my speech about my Chicago trip at church. It went great! I don't know what came over me, but I honesty think I did a really great job. Maybe I'm pumping some confidence into this lifeless life of mine :)... okay oximoron I know. Anywho.. It went well and I'm very proud of myself for doing it without getting all nervous and Kari-like. Yaya me. I rock hardcore! Tonight after the speech I also did another hardcore thing for me. I went over to a girls' house.. a girl I thought always hated me. I'm not sure if she really wanted me there, but in the end it turned out great. I think we can at least be civil with each other now, so I'm excited. It'll definitely make my summer better because all my friends are friends with hers. YAYA me for being nice to people who aren't always nice to me haha.
Lovelife... or shall I say friendship life - Logan's really great. I know I say this about every guy I like yada yada, but seriously he is. He told me he was praying for me and him and that God do with us what He feels is right for us. Ok... never heard that before. Especially from a guy!! A guy who will wait? what? huh? Yes there are men like that out there. Maybe I'll end up with one of them ;) I'm not jumping to anything though...I've done that far too many times. Logan's a friend, a friend I'd like to get to know more about most definitely.
I'm starting to miss people from college, but I don't think any of them miss me. No one talks to me. I mean I could talk to them, but seriously, why should I have to make the effort all the time?? I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore and I'm sticking to my guns. Needless to say, people from NWC.. if you wanna talk to me, you know where to find me. I'll try to talk to you, but don't expect too much!!
I have something else I need to vent about... but I think it can wait ... maybe even later tonight. For now, life is going good. I'm finding a piece of myself I didn't even know existed... I still have somethings to work on of course but every little piece matters.
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| What is this guy smoking? |
[13 May 2004|03:38pm] |
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Ok ... so I had to add some humor to this entry. But seriously... what is wrong with him? Him referring to Logan Davis. YEah so none of you have heard of him.. minus Ali. He's 18... almost 19, from Nebraska, going to Univeristy of Nebraska majoring in theatre and drama, plans to be a teacher, and is obsessed with me. Last night, he said, and I quote "You could have one arm and buckteeth lol...nothing is going to change this butterfly feeling in my stomach" ... so not completely romantic.. but butterfly feeling. FROM ME!? It's crazy. I can't say I'm not enjoying it. He's an amazing guy.. strong Christian morals, ambitious, sweeter than candy (cheesy yes), but he truly is a great guy.
So the problem? I haven't really met him... I mean not enough to consider it a meeting. All of our conversing has been through yahoo messenger. Which is good in a way, but horrible in another. This is a total "Travis" situation again and I dont' want to go through that again. AT ALL. And even if Logan is sincere and we meet and the butterflies are still there, I'm not sure I want to date. I'm so scared of rejection and hurt... I mean look at everyone else. Their loves have turned their worlds upside down in a not good way. I don't want that!! I want to fall in love and know that it's going to be forever. So what do I do!? I wish I knew! I emailled him today and told him how I feel... and I want to know what he wants from this and such. Because I refuse to go down that merry path of pain and hatred. Hopefully things work out!!!
Otherwise.. I start work Saturday, nervous and happy all wrapped into one. I miss Jodi... I wish I didn't but I do. So I think I'm gonna write her tonight since phone calls are kind of hard. And yeah.... oh yeah!!!! Grades are in. I pulled off 3 A's 3 A - ' s and a B+.... God has surely poured His blessings on me b/c I was scared to death at midterm and didn't think I could do it. My GPA is 3.84, barely went down at all which rocks my world.
Happiness alllll around :)
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| So I'm home |
[09 May 2004|10:42pm] |
I thought things would be better once I got home. People might see how much they're gonna miss me and things would be great. But I'm sorely mistaken. Yesterday was my birthday... yaya for birthdays. But I was sad that no one from college called or even said anything online to me. I feel like I left with no friends. I'm really sad right now about that which is probably why I'm typing in here. I tend to do that when I hit an ultimate low. I'm there... tonight. And let's recap why...
Tuesday... Amanda leaves without saying goodbye (haven't talked to her since).. Lisa tells me she doesn't want to talk to me all summer and yeah that I basically deserved what was coming at me.
Wednesday. . . yep felt out of place again because yep no one really wanted me around
Thursday ... said goodbye to everyone which sucked but no so much actually
Saturday... my bday... the only people i heard from were people NOT from Northwestern. My heart hurts.
But I'm going to make things better.. I"m going to try. I'm done making everyone else happy. YES I MAKE MISTAKES I;M HUMAN! Forgive me!! Please forgive me. God's forgiven me, why can't everyone else!?
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| I'm done!!!! |
[06 May 2004|09:55am] |
That's right!! I'm done.. with finals... with my freshman year of college!!! I'm so excited... in every way. I mean yes I'm going to miss my friends here terribly!! Don't get me wrong... sure there aren't many of them, but I will miss them. There's always MSN and the phone so I won't panic too much. But I just have this huge feelings of relief. That is.. until I get my grades. A - in Concepts is up.... so an A - is great still but yeah must have bombed the final test b/c I got 100% on everything else basically. That's what you get for not studying.
Oh and I must complain about something... Amanda!! You didn't even come say goodbye to me!! I miss you already :(
And Alicia..... I miss you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. Hopefully tonight we can catch up. Thank you for the email you sweetheart :) We have so much to catch up one from these past two weeks!!!!
Ok... bye for now.
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| Oh the stress |
[02 May 2004|10:06pm] |
In 4 days... less than actually... I will be done with my freshman year of college. Scary, exciting and extremely depressing at the same time. I leave here with more regret than I've ever felt in my entire and more fear than I know what to do with. I regret the friends I didn't make, the friends I let go, the "should-have-done-its" and the "wish-I-hadn'ts". I regret not changing who I was and going to back to the Kari I never wanted to be again. My fears outweigh those regrets though. I don't want next year to be like this one. I have no idea what I'm doing with my summer which scares me... money, friends, time away from my family. I hate not knowing what the future holds.
Yet through it all.. God is faithful. He provides and I worry for no reason. If I were God I would be terribly disapointed in me for the way I've been treating Him these past months. I've put myself above Him everyday and forget about him in both my struggles and my joys. I feel unworthy of the love that comes from above, fully knowing that I've done nothing to deserve it and yet God loves me. God loves me! I can't say that about many other people.... God loves me :)
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| I can't help but feel... no one wants me here. |
[23 Apr 2004|10:41pm] |
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Wing mates took off for Walmart... who do they invite... Jodi. No Kari, just Jodi. I started crying again. I guess that's typical for me. I'm trying sooooooooooooo hard and I'm hitting a cement wall with no helmet on. I've been staying away from MSN, I'm been going out and doing things. In the end, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I do. I will forever be an outcast here. And it hurts... it hurts so badly. I try not to care, but I do. I care SO much. I feel like Amanda is the only one who truly wants to be around me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love Amanda to DEATH and I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't here.. I'd be EXTREMELY EXTREMELY lonely, but I can't only have one friend.
What am I doing wrong!?!? Seriously... I just don't get it. I don't get it at all. I wish God would just take away my pain. I don't care how he does it, I just want it taken away. Summer won't heal the wounds either. All summer, I'll be fearing next year... fearing it's going to be the exact same. Lynae backed out on me completely for the summer. Now that she has Ryan, she sure as heck doesn't need me. Lost my best friend AGAIN... surprising.. not so much.
GAH, If I didn't have Jesus, I would have no best friends. I've decided best friends, aside of Jesus, don't exist. There is no such thing, because in the end, they all leave you.
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| ok I caved |
[22 Apr 2004|08:20pm] |
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So I discovered I need to write in here and just let people read it to just get some stuff off my chest because I'm obviously not handling it well myself.
Today was just another one of those bad days. I really have been trying not to get upset and over-react about things because I thought that's what I did.... but I found out today that no, I'm not just over reacting. First of all Lisa gets all snotty with me.. .AGAIN! And she may be joking but it hurts. For some reason, the past few weeks she's been too good for me or something and it just eats at me. I'm trying so hard not to let it get to me, but today it did. It's like she doesn't care what she does or says to me anymore and that's really frustrating.
And then Meagan, our RA, comes into our room and only asks Jodi if she wanted to go to dinner with her tonight. That really hurt. Why wouldn't she ask us both?? And then she comes in here and only talks to Jodi. That hurts alot too. Maybe I have been quiet around her, but she makes me feel like I can't talk to her for some reason.
And then we go out for pizza with the wing and I just clam up because I feel like no one on my wing really cares whether I'm there or not. I don't know.... THAT still might be me overreacting but a part of me feels like they just didn't get to know me enough and now we're leaving in two weeks and none of them will miss because none of them got to know me enough. Yes that could be my fault.. it probably is. WHY AM I LIKE THIS!? I hate it!!!!!!!!! I need to fix this and now.. I'm trying so hard but it obviously isn't enough.
And to a very special friend... you know who you are, I know you're struggling right now... believe me I know how you feel. Please try to look on the bright side. I love you so much and you are truly an amazing person. Don't give up on your dreams because you are the type of person who can have everything she wants if she just puts the effort into it. I love you Shaniqua Rillimillervanwinkelsma!
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| Last public entry |
[16 Apr 2004|01:20pm] |
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Some thigns have been called to my attention and from now on my blurty journal is going to be private, a place for me to simply get my feelings out. Maybe, in the future, it will be public again, but for now it's probably best if it's not. I'm sorry to who ever this may affect or bother.
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| Why is forgiveness so hard? |
[16 Apr 2004|07:46am] |
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Last night I felt anger. Anger like I have never felt before and being a girl I did the girly thing and sat and cried all night. So much that my eyes still hurt this morning. The one person who is supposed to be my closest friend dumped me again so she could go off and impress other people. I simply asked her spend 30 minutes with... that's it 30 minutes! Her response "I just have so much to do I really can't." Now you do understand what that means don't you? Her response should have been "Kari I don't want to spend that time with you." Because not an hour later, 3 girls from our wing ask that same girl to go to Walmart with them which would take 2 hours at the least and she jumps on that opportunity. I was SO angry. This scenario is all too familiar lately. THIS is why I end up in my room alone all the time. When I have nothing to do, no one wants to do anything with me. When I have something to, "oh lets plan something to do then". I'm so tired of it. My day was going so good yesterday and then bam... no more. I couldn't sleep at all because of it and because of the rudeness of my wing mates, so I wrote Jodi a note about b/c I knew she wouldn't listen to me. I told her how much it hurt and asked her what it was I did that made me so boring or that made me not fun to be around anymore or something.
Then I talk to Lynae about it because she's come to me about this stuff before, but when it's me the tables turn. I'm anti-social and I'm stupid for wanting good grades. Maybe I am, maybe I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve friends. Who knows? I made a choice, I suffer the consequences. I guess that's how it's going to be from here on out. All I know is I have nothing to do this weekend and if I don't find anything to do with people I'm going to be completely devastated because I am trying. I am trying SO hard.
Anyways to her apology . . . So first of all, she types me messages on MSN. . . that didn't win points with me. And then halfway through her apology she says something else totally random. . . again, not happy. Her apology sucked and really didn't make me feel better at all. I know I need to forgive her and Jesus forgives us, but this time it's really hard. Every time I forgive, I just get hurt again. This Christianity thing is harder than I expected. Praying last night hasn't given me the answers I need yet, so maybe I'll just keep my cool for today.
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| Things are looking up |
[14 Apr 2004|11:04pm] |
God answers prayers... why do I give up on Him all the time? I'm so stupid. So yeah anyway things are looking up... for now. I got my Bib Studies test back 93.4%.. awesome for that class and then got my Gen Psych test back 89% which is the best I've done in that class and I thought I bombed both tests. So my GPA won't be as bad as I was expecting this semester!! YAYA!
And then my roomie, Jodi, and I found out that we can move into Fern next year which is only the most awesome dormitory on campus. I'm sooo excited. And my friend Hannah is living right down the hall so yeah I'm so pumped. Our room is going to be the coolest next year!! Our RA is this girl named Katy who is only the sweetest, funniest person I've met. Next year is looking to be an awesome year.
I know.. crazy that I'm finally talking about happy things, but it's great that all of this happened. I needed that boost. I've been really down lately.
The other night, my dad's girlfriend talked to me for an hour about how lonely my dad is and how much he misses me. I felt horrible and started bawling because I know he is and I wish I could change that and yeah I was just miserable. And I'm not looking forward to my birthday this year. I know it's wierd, but for me that will be the defining moment for me and my friends...which ones remember my birthday and actually make an effort to do something or say happy birthday to me. That's wrong... I know, but it's important to me. That day only comes once a year. So yeah... I don't know. It could be good and it could be bad. We'll see!
Anyway.... off to do nothing haha.
Peace
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| I only have God |
[10 Apr 2004|10:16pm] |
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So tonight, my dad said that him and his girlfriend were going to celebrate Easter with me. Said they'd call me on their way back from Missouri to let me know when they'd get here. I waited... and waited.. I went to his house, but no call and they never showed up. I thought, oh they're just running late, they'll call later. But they never did... and they're home. It's crazy, but I went and looked. Why didn't he call me!? It's my own father! The one person I thought still loved me. He went and celebrated with HER family but not me. WHY? Her family is his family now. He doesn't need me. Why would he? I'm not around anyways. I don't come to visit him. I don't call him. Of course he wouldn't call me. And to top it all, he's having surgery in two weeks and he hasn't even told me. I saw it on his calendar. Is he going to tell me? Why am I so stupid? Why did I let my own father slip away like that!? I have no one left... no one. I've never hurt so much in my entire life. God help me!!
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