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Liz's Journal

15th June, 2004. 11:31 pm. is there a lifeboat out there big enough for this one?

another great person/friend i care deeply about has managed to be lost once again... according to them -completely my fault-once again my lack of respect or something... really what i dont know! Just some how everything seems to be blamed on me. Me and michele well it's not really michele and liz anymore. It's a sad thought but after 16 years .... we've grown weak.

it all started when i started hanging out with whit, casey, steph, kim, nikki, libbie... then my birthday came along... and i ended up staying out with them. i know that is where i went wrong... but at the same time i dont regret that night because it was one of the best ive had... besides that fact. then just because i wasnt home at every call and beckoning of michele's i suddenly in her eyes seemed that i felt i was to good for her or whatever that crap was. We went to Coasta Rica and things seemed to be cooled over.. or maybe that was just a mask we both put on just to get through the vacation with out killing each other. Who knows! all i know is that she did make me feel like shit quit the bit a couple of times on that trip. And the night i got stuck being the dd when we went into town.... yeah that was one night she sure did make me feel like shit... but hey she was drunk i let it go- i just learned that i d ont really want to be around michele when she is drunk because all she seems to do is pull shitty stuff out to say in front of my face about me... know even if i was the drunkest person i wont hurt someone emotionally... yeah i have been physically abusive once or twice but that has bbeen eleminated... well back to how hell broke loose. so we come back from the trip... and im guessing things have cooled over. all is well ... nope not one bit. things just seem to mask themselves. Either im s o use to the other girls or either michele is a cting different or maybe me who knows... but when ever i hang out with her she just doesnt seem so excitin as we use to be. Me and michele's relationship didnt revolve around partyin and gettin guys and doing drugs or drinkin... that was just something i didnt like or want to do with michele because we could actually find something else more excitin and better to do w tih our time.

the only explination i have come up with is michele feels that im not spending a s much time as i use to wtih her so she has to find some kind of party or something for me to go to inorder to us to hang out. but no thats not it at all... i dont know what there is l eft for me to do with michele... like last year was the year i stopped going to the beach wtih her... i started only wanting to surf and she wasnt all gung ho about t hat so i would just go w tih the boys or alone.

AND HERE IS MY BIG PROBLEM WITH THIS WHOLE SITUATION: well last summer michele had dissapeared off to manteo to be with her dAVE... yeah i felt left out.. she would only hang out with me sometimes... and when w e would hang out all she would talk about is him ... this dave.. that dave.. oh sorry i am talkin about dave ... but yeah dave.....blah dave blah blah... and i would put up with it cause i was happy to see her with dave... but yeah it made it a losy summer for me.. so i set out starting 10th grade to find new friends... not to put michele in the past or what not but just to have more of a variety of friends to hang out with out of school than jsut michele... a nd that i did... i meet maggie to start off with.. then john and me became even closer and started going out... i meet joey... i meet whit and then all the other girls... but then michele ended things with dave... w ell more like they feel apart.. she was torn apart and things just didnt go to well...

And how it fell apart completely I feel bad about but I think personally we just ugh I dontk now I don?t think though this is all my fault

Michele invited me to go to a party on the crossing quicksilver boat tonight. And I said sure? I made sure I would be able to by s taying in last night.. A nd then I also didn?t do anything today with anyone so I would be ready to go chill with michele? so I called her up this morning anad found her to be at work.. So I w ent and visited her and made plans to go to the beach afterwards? I was to be at her house no later than 3:30 cause she was getting off work a t 3 and we would head out to the beach? well I went over there at 3:20 and no show so I wait a couple of mminutes and head to d vo and there she is ? forgot but is like oh yeah oops? I didn?t care cause I knew it happen to the best of us? so we finally make it out ot the beach at 4:30 and by the time I go home I find out alice is no longer going, this whole ordeal is in manteo and what I h ad offered to drive was to pine island cause that is where I thought she said to go to? but no im s upose to drive to pirates cove and BACK TO DUCK!! Shit no?. yeah I don?t mind d rivin after n ine but not that FAR with drunk MICHELE in my c ar shit no? and with no certain time we willl be home awwurgh just so many loose ends I don?t like dealing with and with my mom on my back it didn?t help. So I told michele we had to actually make plans we couldn?t just go off aand do something. Then later that night around 9:10 she calls up saying that she was just gonna leave her house and t hat her mom was out at the time and she didn?t know when she would be back in or what but that she was jettin out and that I should come with her. Ok so think?. She was gonna come get me from m y house.. What was I s upose to tellmy mom who was drivin? who knows and my mom would tell on michele of course so that wouldn?t work? and w e didn?t have a aplace to stay but to sleep in t he car? uhmmm im not really down for that at th e moment? so I was just trying to work something out but all I got was yelling back at me.. So I finally said that I wasn?t gonna go and just to go ahead with Justin a guy from work who could only take one person but yeah it would work? so I hung up all frustrated and then the phone rings again

She calls to tell me how much I am being so mean to her and treating her like shit? I don?t remember much exactly she said but one part where she is like you do go out with all your other friends and lie about it? well this is where she is wrong? we make plans and execute them before 9 at night when we can a ctually g et away with them? and no I don?t get caught nore does anyone else get caught for that fact? a nd michele was going to get caught and it would only add up to tons of explaining on my behalf?. Aww way to much I don?t want to deal with ever. So it blew up and then it just ended and she hung up ?

Anad that was it folks that is how this friendship hasn?t survived? how it is waitin for a lifesaver to come along but doesn?t see one that can hold her anywhere across the horizon.

I?ve been happy for the past couple of years ? but lately ive been the happiest ? I feel so much m ore out going and everything? and it revolves me not being a round michele as much? a nd she just cant take it cause im not just sittin around my house all by my self anymore just waitin for her to call and for us to hang o ut? know im the one doing stuff? so is she.. But its just all clashing? and seriously I don?t think she even has faith in it so I don?t know why she even cares so much. Ugh! Michele I just want to be your friend but hey come on give me a break ? I have other friends know to ..so do y ou.. You have workand friendss.. I have that to