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Friday, April 8th, 2005
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10:36p
Ugh. Feeling claustrophobic and I can't even talk about it.
I love that my mom and I are close, but sometimes I start feeling a need for personal space. I can't explain it.
This week, I've felt suffocated. It's like I have nothing safe, nothing I can count on to be private. She has a journal now. Most of her entries mention me. Sometimes she leaves comments on my entries. She read some of Kristin's fic and some of mine. She sent Kristin a just because e-mail the other day. At night, sometimes, in the middle of the night, she opens my bedroom door, to check on me. This morning she came into the bathroom while I was getting ready for school. She wanted to ask if I was mad at her. If I don't let her kiss my cheek or hug me when she wants, she pouts. If I do it more than once, she starts asking what's wrong.
It's too much.
I'm so frustrated I broke down into tears tonight. I wasn't laughing at my mom and Ali, so they thought they'd dump some flour in my hair. When I was done washing the flour out, I came back downstairs to see Ali had closed all of my windows on the computer and taken it over. Including the long entry I'd been working on for two hours about how frustrated I already was.
I went upstairs and folded myself into the armchair in my closet.
I can't let this get to me. Can't let this get to me. Can't let it get to me.
[ETA: I just posted this in part of a comment to Kali's latest entry -
She won't leave me alone at all. She doesn't care when I ask her not to touch me. I hate it so much. My neck is sensitive, it doesn't know when it's family or a lover kissing it - it just recognizes the feel of lips. I told her and she said, I gave birth to you - meaning it doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter. My body isn't even safe. I don't even have control of that.
I want to say, I am not your property. I have to follow your rules, but I am NOT your property. Let me have my fucking self. Let me have me.]
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: Wake Up Exhausted -- Tegan and Sara (comment on this)
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