|
|
Thursday, March 24th, 2005
|
2:24a
I was told once that I am obsessively careful and deliberate about what sort of verbal and non-verbal signals I send to people. It's true that I am. At the same time, I expect that other people are as careful. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I expect people to communicate in ways that minimize confusion. If you want something, you show it.
So. I send my signals and I watch for the signals which are sent by other people. I watch very carefully for those signals. I actually enjoy myself while I do this. It's like being a detective, or a dancer. I'm following the feet on the floor. That's all.
Unraveling the code of the signals isn't hard. I notice deviations from typical behavior, which words are used during which moods, patterns in tone and punctuation, body language. I listen very closely to what is said and not said.
The clues add up quickly.
My friend called me empathetic, but that's not it. I pay attention. Now here's where the crazy part comes in. I've got the total, the sum of all the clues. I have a good idea of what's going on, but I'm not so cocky as to believe that my method is fool-proof. Sometimes the clues are red herrings, and well, sometimes I just don't know what's going on.
So I ask the person to whom I am paying attention. The question is generally, Are you okay? or some variation thereof. I could usually ask a more specific question, but I don't want to zero in right away. I feel like that's a violation of their mind, of their privacy. I can pay attention if I want - but I don't want to misuse what I learn.
I say, Are you okay? and the answer is always, almost always that they are fine.
I want desperately to believe them. I don't want to know more than they want me to know. I don't want to know anything before they want to tell me. If they lie, I want it to be that I am wrong and that they are really just fine. It tears my mind in half. Knowing I'm probably not wrong but convincing myself that I am. I develop severe headaches, stomachaches, sore throats and bloody lips.
My brain tells me that I know the truth, but my heart tells me the truth is in their words. I hate that torn apart feeling. I hate the way it takes hours for it to go away. I hate the way it takes hours and a good cry for it to go away sometimes. I briefly hate whoever it is for making me feel this way. I less briefly hate myself for not being able to shake off the feeling that something is wrong.
Why can't I ignore the clues? Why can't I stop following the feet on the floor? I know the dance already.
It goes like this.
current mood: down
current music: Wake Up -- Arcade Fire (comment on this)
|
2:52a
On a happier note, I had the best meal I've ever had with my father tonight. I'm sheer giddy thinking about it even now, hours later.
I talked to him.
I told him that I'm scheduled to go back to school April 4th and he asked me why I stopped going in the first place. Did anything specific happen? he said.
It was a build-up of things, I replied. It started first semester. My mom kept trying to kill herself and it shook me so up that I'd miss 3-5 days of school every time. I got behind on my work. I wasn't involved in as many activities. My grades sunk. Then I told him about January, about missing two weeks and just not being able to return.
He really listened, too. He replies jokingly, but he means what he says. What did I tell you? he asked. Your mom can't hog all the depression. You shouldn't let what happens with anyone else affect you so much.
I talked to him about my friends. I told him some of them are experimenting with drugs and drinking. I mentioned his drugs and drinking without flinching. I don't think I've ever done that when I wasn't lashing out at him. I asked, If you went back, would you still start?
And he told me no. He made a confession. I wish I'd had a college education first.
Then, even more impressively, I overcame my nervousness and asked him for the money I've been needing to ask him about for the last two months. And he gave me half of it on the spot! He'd have given me the rest, too - but it'd have left him with about ten dollars.
We talked about Kristin a little. My dad and I don't talk about my girlfriends. He calls them my friends. Actually, unless I'm remembering incorrectly, he's never met anyone I've dated more than once, if he did meet them. Except for Kristin.
He gave me a big hug when dinner was over, too. We are generally non-affectionate with each other. It feels nice when he tells me he loves me.
current mood: pleased
current music: Sweet Music -- Kylie Minogue (comment on this)
|
3:10a
Dammit.
( Little Bit Of You ) was never going to be my theme song.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: Little Bit Of You -- Laura Cantrell (comment on this)
|
1:26p
It hurts, you know. To have been reliable and steady for seventeen years and then to not be - to finally have that one straw break your back, even if it's only for a little while. Maybe especially because it's only been a little while and people still lost faith in me.
And those who didn't lose faith still had doubts. It hurts a hell of a lot. I don't know how I would have felt if I'd been an outside party to my head in the past two months, so I can't and won't blame anybody. I won't be angry. I won't feel betrayed.
It just hurts.
Now that I'm getting stronger and accomplishing more things, it hurts to see people returning to my camp. To hear support and pride from people who didn't show that all along. Because that tells me something, that I'm only worth what I can do. That history doesn't mean much. That patience doesn't always exist, that faith wavers.
I know what I'm capable of, and no, I don't want to hear it that you knew it all along. I think I'm the only one who really knew all along.
current mood: resolved
current music: Churches Off the Interstate -- Laura Cantrell (comment on this)
|
8:30p
Ahahaha.
Indiana is giving me $30,000.
current mood: proud
current music: neighborhood #3 (power out) -- Arcade Fire (1 comment |comment on this)
|
9:29p
Seriously, people.
Why is there not more Resident Evil fic?
*writes herself some Lisa/Alice*
Also - this song? It's from the end credits of Darkness Falls and I stumbled across the mp3 completely by accident a few weeks ago. Hot damn.
current mood: productive
current music: Gunboat -- Vixtrola (comment on this)
|
|
|
|