|
|
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
|
12:49a
Interview questions from Megan.
1. You've just been told you're going to die exactly one week from now. What do you do?
First, I throw a party. I love having parties. I usually have one a year, around the time of my birthday. My friends show up and we joke and gossip for hours. I get to a chance to be very dramatic and very funny. The second the party ended, I would drive to my girlfriend.
Whatever she happened to be doing at the moment upon which I arrive - I'd push her into the bed and throw my arms around her shoulders. Bury my nose against the crook of her neck and stay there, just like that for a day or two. We'd go out to lunch eventually, to Panera - where I would have an iced chai and cream of chicken soup. I would ask her to read to me.
While she read, I would write letters to my family. I wouldn't want to see them, as horrible as that sounds - because if I'm dying, I don't want to chance being annoyed or disappointed with anyone. I just want them to know how much I love them. I want their last memory, anything of me to be one in which I'm happy with them.
I would write a thousand journal entries. Is that pathetic? That's pathetic. I would want to document every feeling, every emotion. What does it feel like to know you're dying? I would kiss Kristin over and over again.
I'd take long, hot baths every night at midnight. Then I'd climb into bed and sleep - and sleep well, each of the seven nights. Sleep happily. Knowing it was good, so good while it lasted.
2. If you lived in any past age, when and where would it be?
I suppose I'd live in America in the early twentieth century. I've never had any real cravings for the past - I enjoy my liberties too much. I like being able to keep my hair short, to be honest about my sexuality, to have a real education.
3. Name something that's currently very important to you.
What sort of something? An issue? Hmmph. I won't say my family or my girlfriend - I talk about them often enough. Those are the first answers that come to my mind.
Honesty matters to me, especially right now. I don't want to lie to anyone and I don't want them to lie to me. I want impressions that people hold not to be mistaken, I want them to see clearly. I don't care what we're talking about - I just want it to be a real conversation, without hidden agendas or anything beneath the table. Set it all out. Let's hear what you really have to say.
4. Name something you'd secretly like to do, but never actually would.
Two things.
First, I have always wanted to run away. Once, I was going around the block on my bicycle. My littler sister was behind me on hers. My ex-stepfather was with her because she was younger. I got back to the house first. I hid behind the garage. I don't know why. I remember turning the third corner on the block, thinking, If I get home quickly enough, I can...
They called my name for fifteen minutes. Then my stepfather got his car keys and buckled my sister into her protective chair in the backseat. I didn't want to cause them any problems, I didn't want them to worry. I just wanted to leave, to disappear. So I came out from behind the garage and announced myself. I was grounded for the rest of the evening.
The second thing - being more active about genderfucking. I wouldn't mind packing sometime, or dressing in mens' clothing. If I had fewer curves to my body, I probably would. I think some of my bodily movements are very, very feminine - my hips sway a bit, not entirely unintentionally. But some of my other movements are more confident and cocky. They wouldn't be inappropriate on a man. Oh that would be fun.
5. Why is your LJ username what it is?
I asked a friend to describe me once. She called me a feverish blue moon. I think there was something about 'with a peppermint twist,' but I don't surely know. The feverish is because of my passion, the way I care about things. I'm not sure from where she got the blue moon part - she quoted the song at me. Blue moon, you saw me standing alone.
current mood: okay
current music: Whatall is Nice -- Ani DiFranco (comment on this)
|
1:34a
Missing her like mad.
She called me this afternoon for two hours. She called again tonight and read to me. A Neil Gaiman story, three of her poems, a short story of hers, and then a work-in-progress. I could listen for days on end. Her pace has slowed - she used to rush her words when she read to me, but now she speaks more slowly. It's beautiful.
I wish I could describe her voice. It filters me like an x-ray. When she talks, I separate like salt. The parts of me trickle like sand. Here is what she makes in me, here is what loves her. There are no secret entities. I couldn't hide from that voice if I wanted to. It sees inside of me, all the little parts that need a flashlight.
She is lightness. The beam of light that echoes at the bottom of the ocean. The tiny, vibrating waves that ripple inside of me.
Pure delight.
current mood: content
current music: Femme a l'Eau de Vie -- Autour de Lucie (comment on this)
|
2:24a
I love -
the supernova of yellow-blue inside her eyes, how she talks to my cats, the way she mocks me, the way she repeats what I say, her smile when she's giddy, her smile in the morning, her smile in the evening, the effort she puts into what she says, the way not a word is misplaced when she writes, when she lets me brush her hair, that she loves my hair, how she calls my eyes pupil-less, the way she hates mascara, her self-consciousness, the way she relaxes with me, when I make her laugh, the way her hands glide over my skin, the way her fingers find my stretch marks, the way she is happy when she finds my stretch marks, that she cries in front of me, that she eventually tells me what's wrong, that she occasionally gets jealous of other people in my life, that she wants 'a long time', the movement of her hips when she walks, her breasts all of the time, when she reads to me, the way we hold hands even in bed, naked cuddling, non-naked cuddling, spending time with her in the car, climbing into bed with her, being trusted, that I know her moods, her Digi!love, sharing a fandom, thinking together about the future, the way we talk for hours, the way she sometimes rambles, her concern for her grades, her research skills, her family, being her kitty, that I'm the only one who can see so much of her, the heat of her mouth when we kiss, the way she keeps her eyes open just so I will moan, the way she runs her hands over my back, her ticklish spot, Reticulum, the way she looks out for me, the way she looks at me, the way her scent is always the same, her exhale-laugh, the strength of her bladder, the way she doesn't say what she needs, the way she lets me scold her for not saying what she needs, her favorite songs, her nervousness, her generosity, the way she danced with my sister, the way she loves my mom's cooking, that she has affectionate moods, that she finds my pulse, that she throws her leg over mine when she doesn't want me to get out of bed, her support of my chai addiction, her special word for my exes, her perfectionism, her obsessiveness, her secret sides, her silliness.
current music: Slumberdoll -- The Autumns (1 comment |comment on this)
|
5:05p
How could I have forgotten how much I adore Willow and Tara together?
I've been watching Tabula Rasa and Entropy and Hell's Bells and fuck, really, how could I have forgotten how much I love them together? I'm craving fic like crazy now. Does anyone remember off-hand a W/T story that involved Willow casting a spell that inadvertently sired Tara? Willow then tried to hide Tara from her friends, while trying at the same time to see if they could still have a relationship.
I don't remember what it's called. Damn.
Also, I've got plot bunnies for Anya/Tara, Willow/Tara, Xander/Anya, Anya/Giles. Along with the stupid bunny that won't leave me alone for Tara/Veruca. Also, I really want to read Tara/Oz, but I don't know why.
On a related note, I've never watched Angel, but I'm thinking that I need to get the DVDs one of these days. All the fanfiction is making me curious. Can someone who knows both BtVS and AtS give me an idea of how they compare? I feel rather silly.
current mood: curious (4 comments |comment on this)
|
9:46p
Questions from Sandra.
1. Describe what you imagine the inside of your first apartment/house will look like.
I want a lot of white or slightly off-white walls. Pictures of my friends and family on the walls. A comfortable, comfortable couch. Something puffy into which you just sink. Not a lot of clutter. I'm messy enough on my own. There will be books everywhere. A lot of glasses to be washed. I want any woodwork to be dark, dark. Lots of open windows and light.
2. What are you afraid of?
Spiders = whoa. I can't stand them. If I see one, I feel them crawling all over my legs for hours.
Metaphorically, I'm terrified of not being good enough in relationships. I'm afraid I'll be so focused on doing everything right that I'm completely miss the signs that I'm doing wrong. I'm terrified of hurting people because of oblivion. I think that I pay enough attention and that I keep my eyes open far enough, but I just don't know. I'm afraid I'll turn out to be a Willow.
3. You are a person with many aspirations but what is the one thing you would like to say you did in your lifetime?
I don't care what gets in the way. I WILL have a book of poetry published before I die. How else am I supposed to earn my cult following?
4. What makes you get out of bed in the morning (or afternoon)?
Sometimes, my sister. When she likes me. Books get me out of bed. The sun gets me out of bed. The smell of grass turning green. The thought that I might have an e-mail from my girlfriend.
5. What was the last thing you thought about before you went to sleep last night?
It was either, Hey body? Fuck you- and stop itching. KTHXBYE, or a thought about Kristin. Probably a thought about Kristin. I've been thinking about her even more than usual the past two days. We've spent a lot of face-to-face time together lately. I'm going to see her again next week- and I'm definitely not complaining, but I miss her already. I like the way that I relax with her. The way that I don't think I need to be afraid or to worry. That's a very comforting feeling.
(comment on this)
|
10:25p
I think I'm going insane.
current mood: confused (comment on this)
|
|
|
|