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Thursday, March 17th, 2005
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1:08a
50 Things About Me
1. Three of my four best friends live in my house.
2. The fourth is my girlfriend.
3. I skipped a grade early on in elementary school.
4. I used to have dreams of being the first female President of the United States.
5. I wrote a story about Barney the Purple Dinosaur as Santa Claus when I was seven. I wanted to sell it and make a living from copies of the story.
6. I also had a plan to live as a homeless person in an abandoned factory.
7. I still think about being homeless.
8. I had crushes on two of my cousins while I was growing up, one of which my mother tells me was mutual.
9. There is not a person I can think of to whom I am not sexually attracted.
10. I am going to marry a woman.
11. I often cry during sex.
12. I resent my father more than I let on.
13. I had a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE crush on the nation's top mathlete when I was 13 years old. He was a friend of mine. I obsessively collected anything he would touch. We walked home from school together sometimes. I made up a bogus e-mail account to talk to him about how I felt without telling him anything for real.
14. A couple of years later, I saw him in a situation with several other people who knew him as well as I did and were theoretically as much his friend, but he sat next to me and talked to me and didn't take his eyes off me. It only took 30 seconds before I was head over heels again.
15. My ex-step-father once asked me to suck his toes.
16. When I think it's perfect, my poetry manuscript will be published. There's no question in my mind.
17. I think Kristin is The One.
18. I woke up at five o'clock in the morning to watch music videos on VH1 for a year.
19. Once when I was learning how to masturbate, I peed on myself. I'd been putting pressure on my bladder, trying to make myself wetter.
20. I love the taste of communion bread.
21. Sometimes I pretend I'm the author of my favorite books.
22. The kissing scenes in But I'm A Cheerleader were the first time I'd really seen two cute, normal girls being intimate. I watched the movie 11 times the first weekend.
23. I really don't think I'm smart. I think I'm average and I'm perplexed when other people don't understand intellectual concepts as easily as I do.
24. I love it when I'm right.
25. I also love romance novels. Especially corny lesbian ones.
26. I've never met anyone who didn't like me.
27. A woman once recognized me after not seeing me for eleven years, when I was fourteen. She knew me by name.
28. I'm left-handed. I think I would be profoundly different were I right-handed.
29. Seven out of ten girls I've done anything with hadn't done anything with another girl beforehand.
30. I've never broken a bone.
31. I want black and white tattoos all across my back.
32. My life's philosophies can all be found in poetry and song lyrics.
33. I don't regret anything.
34. I am a tease. I don't mean to be, I'm completely sincere in the moment.
35. I've been trying to get someone to sing me Sandalwood since my first relationship.
36. I once made out with a first grader.
37. I wanted to have sex with him, too.
38. I got grounded for telling my cousin's friend he looked like a bird when I was eight.
39. I wasn't baptised until I was five years old. My ex-step-father is also my godfather. I've got shit luck.
40. The first time my current step-father took my family out for pizza, I told him straight-faced that my mother had buckets of homemade porn tapes sitting in her closet starring her and her best friend, among other things. I think he thought I may have been telling the truth.
41. I asked my best friend if we could have a threesome with my other best friend when we were all 10. It was my birthday. She said no.
42. The other best friend would have said yes.
43. I used to make my friends moon the neighbors before they could join my clubs. I was always president.
44. I went to France for a week with a group and I was the only one for whom the French shopkeepers didn't automatically switch to English.
45. I can orgasm from having my palms touched. It's been proven.
46. The average age difference between me and my partners is 3.4 years.
47. I'm an exhibitionist, an incessant flirt, and a complete ham - but I have weird anxiety issues that sometimes keep me away from people.
48. I have a mean streak that I tend to keep closeted.
49. Speaking of closets, I've been out since I was seven for some, thirteen for most.
50. My mom used to make fun of my toes because they're a little bit crooked.
current mood: calm
current music: 16 Days -- Whiskeytown (2 comments |comment on this)
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2:05p
I have a doctor's appointment at 4:30 this afternoon. Color me scared shitless.
I don't want to take any more drugs. I told my mom the first time around that I didn't want anything and I got pressured into taking Lexapro, which other than a few nasty side effects has done nothing for me. My mom has been repeatedly asking me to take sleeping pills recently. So far I've refused.
My body and mind are fucked up enough right now. I don't want extraneous chemicals fucking with me any more. I want to feel better. I want to be better. A quick fix at the expense of delving deeper into the issues is not best for me. And I fucking want what's best, thank you.
I'm riled enough right now that if I were to go immediately into the doctor's office, I'd have enough will power to put my foot down. But the appointment isn't for another three hours.
My grandma called this afternoon. She and my mom are going out to lunch tomorrow to talk about my problems. I don't know if it's intentional, but every word out of my mom's mouth regarding my current situation confirms every self-hating, self-doubting thought I've been having.
(By the way, after my entry on how it bothers me that she reads my journal? My mom sobbed. She said that I take everything out of context and that I make her sound like a monster.)
I don't want to do this anymore. Somebody left a comment on my Blurty that read, You are willing to please yourself at the cost of your relationships with your family and friends. At this current rate of self destruction what do you see for your future? Yeah, thanks, whoever you are. As if I don't already feel like a complete and utter failure.
current mood: shitty
current music: In State -- Kathleen Edwards (52 comments |comment on this)
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7:02p
My girlfriend is, like, a goddess or something. She kicks some serious ass.
I have no idea who the first anonymous is, but the second is Kristin.
Here...
(1 comment |comment on this)
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8:45p
My mom: What? It's the Lifetime Movie Network and we don't get it? Son of a BITCH!
current mood: permanently amused
current music: Wish I May -- Ani Difranco (comment on this)
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11:58p
Yes, I am the coolest person on Earth.
This afternoon, I looked my mom in the eye and I said, Do you promise not to pressure me into any medication? She hesitated. I won't go to my appointment if you don't promise.She promised.
The doctor backed me up that sleeping pills aren't right for my situation. I don't sleep well at night, but sleeping pills aren't the answer. Hell if I know what is, though. He also told my mom to get me into talk therapy immediately. I was surprised at how urgent he sounded.
He wrote me a prescription for Paxil and gave me some samples. I've agreed to consider taking it. Although I'm not fond of psychiatric drugs, especially after watching my mom get yanked around on them, I'm not so stubborn that I won't consider something that might help me. I just want it on my terms.
Kristin is utterly delightful. My mom, too.
My mom is consistently happy with her. Tonight, Kristin used the word 'fuckstick' toward my anonymous person and told them that my mom was going to 'flip a bitch' on them. My mom laughed louder and longer than I've heard her laugh in a long time.
Kristin loves my mom's cooking. After the first meal she had here, she said she walked around on IU's campus, craving my mom's food. Last weekend, my mom announced in the middle of the big family dinner that she'd made the mashed potatoes especially for Kristin. She's quite disappointed that we won't be having dinner with her and John tomorrow night, because as she put it - she loves cooking for my girlfriend.
Their relationship makes me squeefully happy. My mom's constantly telling her friends and other family members how much she "really adores" Kristin. It's cute.
Kristin's been amazing lately, too. I know I haven't been easy to deal with but she's there for me every night, whatever I need. Every day, too. The second she thinks I'm upset, she's offering me a phone call, ready to do anything I ask. She's coming out to dinner with me tomorrow night with my friends and I know she's anxious and that she doesn't like groups of people, but she's willing to be there for me. It means so much to me and I don't know how I can make all of this up to her- but neither of us are going anywhere, so I'll have my chance.
Speaking of, REAL-LIFE FRIENDS? I've got a request about dinner tomorrow night. It's going to sound weird. Can everybody not hug Kristin? She's not used to a lot of physical contact and it kind of weirds her out.
I'm really, really looking forward to seeing my friends tomorrow. I'm also scared like whoa, but hey, my girlfriend will be there. Nothing's too scary with her around.
I totally wasn't going to make this a Kristin-centric post, but. I'm on a run and she really made me happy today. I keep thinking about the last time she touched me. It was Monday morning, twenty minutes before I was supposed to leave for home. She looked at me with this look in her eyes. Thoughtful, adoring. She said, Can you call your mom for an extension? I'm getting... cravings. Then she touched me and while she did, she didn't take her eyes away from my face. She watched my eyes, my trembling mouth. Didn't look away.
I don't really understand how she makes me feel the way she does. People don't make me feel safe, not consistently, not all of the time. Books do that. Music does this. This journal does that. But so does Kristin and it knocks the wind out of me. I tell her all of these things that ought to make me feel vulnerable, but they don't. I just feel loved, and loving.
I've picked up her vocabulary. My entire family has started picking it up. She's taken some of my facial expressions, the sounds that I make in place of actual words. She's grown to be as affectionate with me as I am with her and I think that's a first. I'm not sure I've ever felt like the affection was matched before.
Sometimes I look at her and I can't breathe. When we were in Missouri, she leaned over on the bed for something. I was at the head of the bed and she was near the foot. She was wearing jeans and a black t-shirt. Her hair was loose. She leaned from all fours and turned to look at me. I think I gasped. The way her hair was piled on her shoulder in these loose curls, the angle her hips were at, the way her arms bent.
Eee. I'm so excited. Tomorrow's going to be a good day. I have to be up early so that I can clean and get ready and stuff. Then I have to go to school to drop off checks for AP tests. I'm going to try to stop in on my French class. Then I'm coming back home. Kristin will be here sometime in the early afternoon. We have to go get her stuff from her old car. Then it's back to my house and then back out for dinner. Then! It's snuggle time. Because we need some of that.
current mood: quiet
current music: Wake Up -- Alanis Morissette (3 comments |comment on this)
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