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Monday, March 7th, 2005
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1:50p
I've been reading myself to sleep again. Jeanette Winterson, Emma Donoghue, Sarah Waters. I'd read C.S. Lewis if I hadn't loaned out my copy of Till We Have Faces. I miss that book.
My nightmares have grown vague. I remember faces and names, rolling anxiety, rampant self-hatred. I don't remember details. I remember knowing I had been wrong. I remember how much it hurt.
current mood: lonely
current music: Marrow -- Ani DiFranco (10 comments |comment on this)
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10:44p
I love my mother. So much. I don't usually say nice things about her, but. I love her. She throws herself into things eagerly. She's addicted to Law and Order. She goes along with all my jokes and even thinks they're funny sometimes.
Tonight, I told her I was worried about my relationship with Kristin- she said, Everything will be all right. I think you two really love each other. And I really adore her, so.
My mom adores my girlfriend. Hee. I mentioned inviting Kristin for Easter, and my mom said, If we were having Easter, I'd have her in a heartbeat.
Things aren't so well with my sister, though. Last night she yelled at me. I walked out of the room and upstairs without saying anything. She was still yelling. I climbed into my closet and sat in there, curled up with my knees against my chest - but I could still hear her. The walls don't keep anything out. I could hear every word she said, yelling for another ten minutes.
Today I picked her up from school. She shut off my radio and leaned on my shoulder, telling me how sick she felt. I stroked her hair and tried to make her feel better. After we got home, I went up to my room and fantasized about hurting myself. Ali called me downstairs a few minutes later to help her with her homework. She told me the nickname I've always had for her is retarded and that she'd like to be called Puppy instead. Then she ordered me to sit with her while she read an assignment. I got up after a few minutes.
I've been really emotional lately.
When I masturbate, I push something inside of myself- it doesn't really matter what, so long as I can feel it. I come quickly. Leaving whatever inside, I roll onto my side and sob. With every wrack of my body, whatever shifts and I can feel it. The next sob is half-moan and I'm not sure if I'm depressed or turned on.
I need something to be good right now.
current mood: clueless
current music: I Wanna Stay -- Gemma Hayes (comment on this)
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11:21p
There aren't words for wanting her.
The way she looks at me, the way she hates when I cry, the way she plays with my hair, the way she lets me lay in her lap, the way she reads to me and lets me read to her, the way she lets me adore her, the way shows me her favorite things, the way she asks about pronunciation, the way she charms my family, the way she puts her arms around me, the way she holds my hand, the way she makes fun of me, the way she makes wishes when I say to.
It's just everything. I want it all. There's nothing better. Nothing better, nothing more right.
current mood: geeky
current music: In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction -- Idlewild (4 comments |comment on this)
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