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Friday, March 4th, 2005
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3:13a
Oh, I cried so hard tonight.
It wasn't because of the wake. The wake was relatively simple. You go and you don't know what to say, but you stay and you sit. There was a picture of Kathy's mom next to the casket, from when she was in better health. She had something of a smile on her face and she looked just like Kathy. Kathy, meanwhile, looked like a stone. There are refreshments downstairs, she repeated. It might have been her mantra.
David was pretty shaken up. He brushed his hand against my knee at the end of the eulogy. He and I went to Arby's after we left. I was hungry and I didn't think he wanted to go home right away.
Almost as soon as I got home, Stacy called me. She called on a Wednesday a few weeks ago while I was out with my dad. Ali told me about the call and reminded me repeatedly. But I didn't call Stacy back because I expect long conversations with her and I don't want long telephone conversations right now. Anyway. She called tonight.
For ease of explanation, I told her that Ali hadn't told me about the call. I know that I just should have told the truth, but I didn't want to explain what's been going on. Especially not after the wake.
Stacy, at beginning of conversation: Did Ali tell you I called a
couple of weeks ago?
Me: No
Stacy: Oh. She was supposed to. She said she was IMing with you right then.
Me: ...she didn't tell me.
Later, Ali: STACY! STACY! I WANT TO TALK TO STACY!
Me: >_< *hands over phone*
Ali: I'm so glad Sammi finally called you back! I told her OVER AND
OVER AND OVER AGAIN. She's been busy though. I'm glad she did call
you.
Stacy, faintly: She didn't call me.
Ali: ....Oh.
Me: *runs*
Then, after Ali got off the phone with Stacy, she and John got into a fight. I hate the way they treat each other. Ali is especially mean to John. But I don't like the way he talks to her, either.
It ended up with my mom yelling, Ali crying, and John comforting Ali. I guess the comforting makes me feel better. Not really, though.
The wake caught up to me about that time. So many of my friends were there. It was the first time I'd seen them in a month and it was easy. They hugged me. They said it was good to see me. They asked, sounding concerned and aware, about how I'm doing. It was easy.
And I couldn't help thinking, What's wrong with you? I mean. What is my problem? These are the same people from school. It was so easy. Why can't I do that every day? What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel so stupid, so fucking stupid.
And my body is fucking useless. I have a sprained arm, dizziness of varying severity, nausea, aching knees and a constant headache. Fucking useless. My supposed best friend thinks I'm being lazy, my family doesn't believe me, and one by one, they're all losing faith in me.
I cried on the phone with Kristin. I was crying about that, but I was also crying because she's easily bothered. Because she's easily bothered and she often refuses to tell me if I've upset her. It's frustrating. I guess I have to keep being patient. Most people are waiting for someone who will listen, but I'm waiting for her to talk. Irony.
Ali's here for the night. She had a band concert. When I got home from the wake, she was laying on the couch. She rolled away from me. I walked over to her and kissed her cheek. She pouted. Are you mad at me? I asked.
I made a mistake, she said, meaning in the concert. I didn't have my self-confidence, she said, meaning I wasn't there. I told her I was sorry.
She's sleeping on the floor now. She woke up for a minute and asked why I was still awake. Then she asked me to wrap her blankets more closely around her. I did. I laid on the floor next to her. I missed you, buggy, I told her.
She said, I'm going back to my dad's tomorrow. I'll be back on Sunday. I said I know and that I'd just wanted to tell her how I'd missed her. Then I started to cry. She leaned into me. Why are you crying? she asked. I only cried harder. Are you sure you don't know why you're crying? she asked. Because people usually don't cry like that for no reason.
I giggled at that. She frowned with her eyes closed. People have been making fun of me all night, she said.
I wasn't making fun of you, I told her. You're usually more immature than that and I was impressed.
She kept her eyes closed the entire time. But at the end, she smiled. I kissed her forehead and got up.
current mood: unhappy
current music: When You're Gone -- The Cranberries (comment on this)
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4:29p
I love -
wearing tights, PJ Harvey's "Good Fortune", the poetry of Anne Carson, when my girlfriend reads to me, making up with my sister, staying naked right after a bath, randomly wearing scarves, grooming the cat, Piper's stories, surprising Kristin, reading my favorite books in the middle of the night, being ticklish, giggling for no reason, nights when I don't dream, letting my nails grow, when Kristin makes eye contact with me, being moody, launching myself into hugs, developing LJ friendships, endearing awkwardness, having a song for every occasion.
I've been spending a lot of my free time reading lately and I'm noticing a lot of books missing that I did have once upon a time. Books such as Sabriel by Garth Nix, The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman, and Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters. I've loaned all three out. Some of them have been gone for years. Rwar.
current mood: wanting
current music: You Said Something -- PJ Harvey (comment on this)
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4:59p
I love-
delineated make-out sessions, "I can't believe life's so complex / When I just wanna sit here and watch you undress."
current mood: needing
current music: This Is Love -- PJ Harvey (comment on this)
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5:58p
So.
( I realize I'm not smiling, but... )
current mood: HOT, says the girlfriend
current music: This Is Love -- PJ Harvey (14 comments |comment on this)
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